You can't ride a horse when two plus two is five.

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen

Every dog gets his Rolls Royce, but only on every 6 th Sunday of every other month.

If anyone deserved that okra, it was the Archbishop. After all, at any given time, he could have consigned that budgie to the pits of Hell.

The Persied meteor shower dropped a lot of Wonka chocolate bars onto the Earth....

I've had a great time. This, however, was not it...

The 'quake was a 9.5 on the Richter scale and was thoroughly enjoyed by all.

rob is straight

Looking up, I saw the floor meet the ceiling.

The synthetic man cried tears of blood as he watched the miracle of the setting sun.

The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby's head,

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall

The four Velociraptors sat around the table playing poker.

He wanted to hold her forever, knowing eventually he'd have to take a whizz

The mice ran up the clock, and then proceeded to get drunk on Teqiulla.

She grew on him like a colony of E. coli on room-temperature British beef

uschi is a woman!

No way,dude!

The flowers all went on strike and refused to bloom.

happy tastes like sad!

George Bush became a highly successful stand up comedian after his presidency was over.

The man gained superpowers after exposure to radiation.

1,000,000 grandmothers worked for ten years on a quilt that completely covered the Earth and kept everyone warm during winter.

"What if....c-a-t really spelled dog...?"

snodgrass.

chimneys with vorpal axes!

The quadratic formula is not someone you want to mess with.

The movie was an immediate success but only to all the dead people.

The zombies were alive with the sound of music.

Hello, I'm Wedge.

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

slowly plunging!

The newborn baby cried, then asked for a steak dinner.

Microsoft works.

smoke, alcohol and broken dreams.

A list of inexplicable posts.

and only 2% don't mention jeff.

Once the seamstress sat back and admired her work, she couldn't help but wonder how long the hamsters would be able to live now.

A stitch in nine saves the whales from mild humiliation.

He felt a sense of tension, as if sitting beneath a shelf full of urine-filled water balloons, while a passing train rattled the walls.

He eats the stew of frustration that results from being tarred as "completely un-Hasselhoff".

Son, you'd better be wearing a suit made of oyster shells, if you plan on crossing Gene Shalit.

No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't bring himself to pick up that napkin. ...Not again.

Betty's life wasn't all honey and cockfights.

Wing-tips are the kicks of choice for men who are expertly acquainted with all things tapir.

Wanda could have slapped him four more times, too, but, damn it all, she had to pee.

These five fingers represent the levels of hunger that you're going to ascend as you watch me eat this poppadom.

She had to be informed, in politest manner possible, that she might be better suited to seek supplemental retirement income as a Wal-Mart greeter than by offering herself as the "two-dollar special" on the same corner where LeRoy's girls worked.

Time flies when you're verbally abusing another man's ostrich.

When I drop the sippy cup, unleash Hell.

CrawfordCrow celebrated his birthday by consuming all of Mount Everest. When asked how it tasted, he said " It was like a huge ice cream cake! Yum!!!"

Once Ethel saw the trick behind it, she lost all fascination with neurosurgery.

I tried at great length to explain that it wasn't really possible for rhubarb to be smug. ...But, you know him... always spoiling for a fight.

Don't you hate it when the cow trips over the aspirin and knocks all he groceries over?

Geez Timmy, did someone take a whiz all over your cornflakes or what? Is it PMS? You certainly seem a bit... Uhmm. antagonistic. Honestly, you can't get all "oooh sarcasm" on Jason, when you started with the 825 members comment. Unless of course there really are 825 members, and you would like to name them.

The turtle waited in the dark with ninja-like readiness.

George Bush told the truth, then transformed into a rocket and flew away into the night sky.

Nothing clears a room faster than a merchant banker with a fascination for rolled oats.

The bacon reverted back into a pig, then sang "Enter Sandman" by Metallica.

The ice exploded from the volcano, freezing everything in it's path.

Supporting... cast... taking... over... story... Trying... to... get... story... back... on... track... Please... bear... with... me.......

Madge fought off the lampreys, but it was too late... the atmosphere of her tea party was hopelessly tainted, now.

Superman went on strike , demanding equal rights for all comic book characters.

I am Barrister Samson.S.Keneth an Attorney at law, andthe Personal lawyer to Engineer W.A.Dressner,a foreigncitizen who used to work as research and productiontechnology in Shell oil company of Togo,Hereinaftershall be referred to as my client.

On the 21st of April,2002,my client,his wife and theirtwo children were involved in a car accident alongKarra-Sokode expressway while arriving from a Holidayto Lome.All occupants of the vehicle unfortunatelylost their lives. Since then,I have made severalinquiries to your Embassy to locate any of my client’sextended relatives and this has also provedunsuccessful.I am contacting you to assist in claimingthe sum of US$7.5 million in cash, which the deceaseddeposited with a Security Company in HOLLAND forsafekeeping.

The Security Company in HOLLAND has issued me a noticeto provide the next of kin of my late client or havethe deposit with them declared an "bandonedProperty"through the laid down legal procedures withinone Month.Since I have been unsuccessful in locatingthe relatives for over one year now,I therefore,seekyour consent to present you asthe next of kin of thedeceased since you have the same last name so that theproceed of this deposit valued at US$7.5 million canbe released to you, and I and you can share the moneyat an agreed proportion.

You will be required to open a non-residence Bankaccount in HOLLAND where you will pay in the moneywhen it is released to you by the Security Company.Upon your acceptance to this proposal,the informationof the Security Company will be furnished to you sothat you establish a contact with them and inform themof your readiness to come and claim the deposit withthem.

Every information relating to the deposit will begiven to you which you shall use to identify yourselfas the next of kin of my late client.Please contact meeither through my emailfor more details.

Yours,Sincerely
Barrister.

The Rosetta Stone was discovered to have a string on the back of it that, when pulled, said "Get me a soda, Bitch!" in 42 different languages.

This whole mess could have been easily avoided, if only Roland hadn't sucker-punched the mayor's wife, instead of giving his Arbor Day speech.

The 4 year old Doctor sighed; he had several more patients to see before nap time.

Stamps were now free, but envelopes could only be obtained with 1,000 box tops from Fruity Pebbles cereal.

Some people live life to its fullest; others draw smiley faces-with-tongues at the end of notes.

Pig iron sober.

Anything worthwhile in life can be stuffed in a small paper bag and burned, if the authorities arrive.

The spider smoked a cigar after it got it's third home run of the game.

And that President was called "Hoover". ...Because he was so very good at fellatio.

Emily played, and sang " Wish You Were Here" while Arnold Layne flew to the Dark Side Of The Moon in his 1967 Impala super sport, which was capable of Insterstellar Overdrive.

"Make you naked like me. Kiss your pussy," Batgirl mumbled in response as she kneeled before Catwoman to remove her bra and panties. Turning her around, Batgirl placed two warm kisses on Catwoman's well formed buttocks. Then, with only an instant hesitation, Batgirl swiveled her new charge around and placed a warm, loving, wet kiss on her full, pouting pussy lips. Catwoman groaned now in wild abandon as she drew the younger woman upwards to her. Pulling her tight, at woman embraced Batgirl and removed her own mask and then Batgirl's. Looking longingly into her eyes, Catwoman opened her mouth and enveloped the younger girl's mouth into her own.

The Beatles couldn't get a hit record, so they disbanded and all became encyclopedia salesmen.

Pseudomonas chlororaphis is a bacteria used as a soil innoculant in agriculture and horticulture.

Typical of their regional differences, she called them johnnycakes, while he called them trespassers. Either way, they ended up eating them with butter and honey.

"It was definitely a mob hit." said the match stick to the LL Bean winter catalogue.

Carol's imaginary friend killed her, and then drove off in Carol's Porsche Boxter.

blart fertgus hxeerd farde!

Cobras shed their skin, like sunburnt Norwegians.

The Pilgrims did not land on Plymouth Rock, opting instead to stop at McDonald's first.

La Rana es hombre para los Estados Unidos.

Shiela learned the hard way that "I watch the rivers run red with the blood of the non-believers" was not the best response to "Occupation" on her loan paperwork.

El gato dice " Donde esta el cuarto de bano?"

Dude, I am 47 years old and have had psoriasis since I was in 8th grade.

He was determined to capture her heart with the hynoptic, erotic power of tap.

Do you know that she actually had herself committed to an insane asylum as a patient in order to get an undercover story on the conditions within? She was stuck in there for months.

She spent days in that field with the horseshoe magnet, and didn't find one metal bean.

Thomas doubted the good faith language in the contract when he noticed the lawyer laughing maniacally and strapping on a dildo.

Having said her prayers and tidied her belongings, she bravely stepped into the car that would take her to the Rob Schneider movie.

What has a gravy ladle got to do with sex? Ask your mother.

That cow has saved more marraiges than an unexpected baby.

i ate the shat then flushed rob.

Mark my words, that penguin is a remorseless sexual predator and, unless we do something now, it will strike again.

You've got 0 messages .... Click here to view them.

In the shout box, no one can hear you scream.

The ego sat and thought: no pocket protectors would die that night.

In screams, no one can hear your space

If you expect me to apologize for that souffle, you've got a hairy fistful of comeuppance skipping your way, sunshine.

October is a good month to harvest ripe souls. They sour after November 1, though...

The Dean of fright howled in the night - his rage was due to be multiplied by two when by the moons and stars, he was indeed betrayed...and the deafening silence was all that was left of him, though all traces of him were gone..

Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost, "Who put these bodies between us?"

Surely, the zombies of truth walk the endless night in search of the perfect banana split.

Then he told me the robes would fly open and the gray squirrel of justice would swoop forth. That's when I knew that he wasn't really "Burger King material".

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl.

Jack had had enough of the planet Earth and thusly transformed into a being of pure energy and flew off into space at 3 times the speed of light..... in search of adventure and the prospect of love.

It was on that cold summer's day, on the banks of the Seine, where I discovered just how erotic gargling could be.

The parakeets parallel parked in December did Johnny alight.

A good, strong, designing, despicable villain, or even villainess, a fair start, a stout fight, an artistic overthrow, and triumphant Virtue smiling modestly beneath her orange blossoms -- shall we ever be too old and world-worn to love these old and world-worn things?

Spatula of dreams, field of cold hard death..calgon took it all away.

Clearly, the lapel unraveled itself to Ravel's Bolero.

The abominal snowman had to be operated on for pain in his abdomen.

Heaven is inside your navel.

Geuss you had a chill, because the time that was left, you had to fill with ice.

I placed my hands on her sides, feeling her warmth through the loose cotton, and gazed deep into her questioning eyes with a remorse that told her I knew exactly who cut my hair and why.

Crime doesn't pay, but - at least in this town, he discovered - it does validate parking.

Thank you so much for watching, and I hope to see you tomorrow night.

and the test pattern came up on the RKMBs until the next morning when, once again, it would be Howdy Doody time.

Well, even if she wasn't his cousin, he'd still be jail for littering.

Peradventure what he has asked is contained in the book, but it is obscure.

He lit his fingers across the soft petals and let the scent draw him back to the day when he realized that his love for midget porn was like a fat tree full of apricots against a pregnant lady's back.

The 1,000 foot tall Poodle ate New York.

In the gentle tumble of laughter from that doe-eyed child, he drew the inspiration to pick yet another set of numbers for the weekly Lottery.

You circulate freely Surrender completely

In a green thought, in a green shade.

I tried to interview MYSELF today, but I was unavailable for any comments.

Gentlemen, lance your ladies' boils before they grow too large and cumbersome (unless you prefer them that way).

The old man became middle aged, then a teenager, and soon de - evolved back into a zygote.

Little known fact: Norman Rockwell was trained in Baghdad by Abu Nidal, the notorious Palestinian terrorist.

Can I run my hands through your car wash hair?

when men marry cows.

Thinking outside the box for a second - you could bring a change of t-shirt?

The dead came back to life but soon discovered that Fruity Pebbles tasted much better than human brains.

The umpire was in reality a vampire who sang blues songs around a campfire.

The asteroid obliterated the Earth but no one there noticed.

The ship entered warp speed but the turtle crawled slowly and was able to beat the ship to the finish line.

Rob is not gay.

He flaunted his duvet cover like a man driving his prize pig around in a convertible.

The politician swore he would never lie.

Reeling from the anise and drunk on K-Y, the ferret slipped back into the mailbox to begin anew.

The penguin withdrew all his savings from his account and moved to Tahiti.

Despite the tastiness of the pudding, he still could not reach the pinata.

The tree picked some of it's own apples and baked an apple pie

The apple pie grew up to become a famous senator.

The man, unsure whether it was the syphillis or the sensation of being shot out of the cannon, suddenly remembered the Alamo and cried for Argentina.

Utzi, the 5,000 year old iceman found a few years ago in the Swiss Alps regenerated, came back to life, and asked to be taken to McDonald's as he was hungry after not having eaten for 5,000 years.

The Baron ate all his land to ensure that no poachers would trespass on it.

Doug promised his fiancee the moon, so he lassoed it and presented it to her in a plexiglass case.

The television grew weary of kids' shows and monster truck rally shows, and only played science and history channels from that point on.

The Wonder Twins saved the day.

Jesus returned, riding a Harley Fatboy, and wearing sunglasses and a black leather jacket.

They began deconstructiing the city, and replacing all the buildings with 100 foot tall ice cream cones.

Giant ants ate the ice cream cones, though.

The stork was weary of bringing so many babies into the world, so it quit. A new stork had to be specially trained to replace him.

Godzilla and The Easter bunny argued over whether or not the tooth Fairy ought to give children two quarters instead of just one, to adjust for inflation.

Gravity stopped working for no reason, and everything and everyone just floated away into space.

Young stockbrokers suckle at the teet of Moloch, drawing nourishment like a baby bird from a regurgitated worm.

Naked came the robot to the Technology Expo.

Elisa is a Bitch.

The 3 little pigs killed the wolf and had a lovely feast.

Our sun is actually powered by 1,000,000 hamsters.

The department store manniquins came to life and killed all the humans.

Dracula was a hemophiliac.

The mother of Frankenstien is Gertrude Stien.

Count Chocula ate himself because he loved chocolate so much.

They killed the 100 foot long giant preying mantis with a ginormous can of Raid.

Tom Cruise stopped being an asshole.

The Mummy took up piano lessons and became a concert pianist for the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

The man cut his own head off with a chainsaw, and then picked up his head so he could chase his wife around the house with it.

The Titanic ate the iceberg.

Bill Gates revealed that aliens taught him everything he knew about computers.

The creature from the black lagoon couldn't swim.

beardguy barely lasted a day without spamming with garbage like he always does.

And elisa is a bitch.

Sneaky hits a home run with every post she makes.

Rob is not gay.

Jeremy doesn't deserve to have an elephant take a dump on him.

Does the elephant have enough prep time?

What is the length of time of an elephant's digestion cycle?

What do you mean? African or Indian?

I don't know that. AAAAAAAAAA!

(Ariel says you get a cookie for giving the Intended Response)

one must know these things when one is captain...right sammitch?

i gotta role with knutreturns on this one...

we seem to have derailed this thread by saying explicable things.

Green dogs bark in spanish.

Sadly, it wasn't the first time he'd been piled on by a pack of enraged senior citizens, feeling their fists rain on him like dead birds wrapped in cold, limp french fries.

Pork is wasted on the young, like diapers on a statue.

Leaving nothing to chance, Benny swaddled his tank full of sea monkeys in camouflage netting and dimmed the lights.

If he had a nickel for every coked-up church organist that puked on his cassock, he could afford to get it dry cleaned.

Most folks would be horrified at the thought of relieving themselves on a wheelchair-bound stranger, but silver mountain gorillas rarely make such distinctions.

You can tear a muscle, but you can't Tara Lipinski.

It's a far greater thing that I do now, than what I did on your sister's duvet cover.

Being helpless to watch the embers of their love dim into flaking ashes, Rodney finally dug deep and found the resolve to install that bidet.

Sitting on the edge of the glassy pond, among the preening swans, she couldn't help but feel just a little bit like a Slim Jim in a pencil sharpener.

Rex was an "oh shit".































































































As in "oh shit it survived."

Joe Mama drove past the McDonalds.

In the end, what destroyed their relationship wasn't her rampant racism, but his penchant for autoerotic defenestration.

rex got a job.

Inexplicable, not impossible.

i cry myself to sleep each night wishing he'd just find a job. Any job.

You can take some small comfort in the fact that he receives blowjobs from his socks, every day.

I do, it really is the only thing he has. If he didn't "love" his socks so much he'd be annoying the hell out of his father and I like he did as a child.

Rob aint gay.

I'd love to water your rhinoceros, my dear, but I must prepare my quantimums for my gastronomic segway for chapmium delivancy.

Cheese and fuckin' rice!

Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do

"One more peep out of that cockatoo", Jimmy thought as his fingernails dug into the armrests, "and I'll make sure that cozy smile on your mother's face will be sunning sock puppets in Hell."

One man's Trojan Horse is one out of every ten men's stripper cake on wheels.

This part of the city was grimier than the pockmarks of the entire oboe section and their prom dates' put together.

"I eat granite mountains and shit porcelain statues!" Irving bellowed with a ferocious rumble that resonated in his bones and drained the blood from his face. ...Even still, the flamingos seemed utterly unconcerned.

Frankly, his throat was getting sore and he had simply been worn down from yelling at that old lady. Maybe, he internally conceded, children's pillories really never would come back in vogue.

I know who crawfordcrow is and care what he has to say.

crawfordcrow is, like, possibly, maybe one of the best writers--if not the best writer (or at least in the upper 50%)--on this board, perhaps.

Seriously.

Go suck his cock already!

Inexplicable, you say? Alright...

Notwedge does not look like an intermediate model sheet for Jabba the Hut.

He also does not smell like Nick Nolte and Rosanne Barr passed out in a dumpster, mid-coitus, during a record summer heat.

Dude, don't be gay.

Crawfordcrow is writing porn for Rex.

But, you have heard of me.

True. But, only because Joe Mama's grandma likes watching the Star Wars DVD special features during intercourse.

PJP. Sigh... The man is here just in case you ever wondered what it would be like if someone found Joey Porsche's bloated corpse in the East River, and it could still talk.

This is not a Greek family reunion! You can't talk that way here!

MisterJLA talkative Moderator Final Justice!
15000+ posts 38 seconds ago Checking who's online

I appreciate that, Jason. Thanks.








Hate hate hate!

I would have went with "a capuchin monkey with Down Syndrome," but that's why I never win at the Playa Hata's Ball, I reckon.

Fine, the shrimp net as a honeymoon gift was moderately funny; I'll give you that. But, by the fifth time you mentioned it was from a ship called the "USS Your Wife Is A Whore", I think you'd earned that beatdown, Jim.

I've got to hand it to you, I've never heard anyone use the phrase "weaponized urine stench" while delivering their grandmother's eulogy.

That's not just tasty, that's "Jesus tasty".

Sweet dreams, and may fragile crack babies with rainbow wigs carry you to your sleep.

So I just had to tell him that the reason his mommy died in that car accident was because of his failure to recognize anchovies as "the bacon of the sea".

If I've learned one thing out of all of this, it's that they don't call it scotch bonnet because you're meant to slip it over the head of your penis.

If you imagine crawford's avatar saying that stuff out loud while staring at you like that, you can give yourself a brain paralysis from the fear.

Like Fight Club. Pariah might orgasm.