Douse them in cold water.

I did that and now they're cold... too cold.

Pour petrol over them and light a match.

I can't find a match, and I'm not sure what petrol is -- gasoline?

Yes, yes it is.

Well, my ears seem to be fine.

Now can you help me solve my acne problem?

Well, I thought it was funny...

YOU HAD ME AT HELLO
In Jacksonville, Fla., car thief Lonnie Eugene Stout, 19, was caught when he left his cell phone in one of his victim's cars, then called the phone later to try to locate it. When a sheriff's deputy investigating the theft answered and offered to meet Stout to return the phone, the thief agreed. He was arrested when he showed up.

That lousy cop!

It's not fair!

So is this whats going to happen from on now? Everything be one big joke? It going to be impossible to do anything serious here from on?

Parts of Michigan and Wisconsin experienced their first freeze of the autumn. Snow and sleet were reported in the Sheffield and Sutton areas of northeastern Vermont at midday.

Dominick the Donkey
Lou Monte


Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It's Dominick the donkey.
Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
(la la la-la la-la la la la la)
(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)

Santa's got a little friend,
his name is Dominick.
The cutest little donkey,
you never see him kick.
When Santa visits his paisans,
with Dominick he'll be.
Because the reindeer cannot
climb the hills of Italy.

Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It's Dominick the donkey.
Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
(la la la-la la-la la la la la)
(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)

Jingle bells around his feet,
and presents on the sled.
Hey! Look at the mayor's derby,
on top of Dominick's head.
A pair of shoes for Louie,
snd a dress for Josephine.
The labels on the inside says,
they're made in Bruccalin'. (Brooklyn)

Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It's Dominick the donkey.
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
(la la la-la la-la la la la la)
(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)

Children sing, and clap their hands,
And Dominick starts to dance.
They talk Italian to him,
And he even understands.
Cummare's and cumpare's
Do the dance 'a tarantell',
When Santa Nicola comes to town,
And brings 'o ciucciarell.'

Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It's Dominick the donkey.
Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
(la la la-la la-la la la la la)
(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)
Hey! Dominick! Buonn Natale!

(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)

O Holy Night - South Park
Eric Cartman


Mr. Garrison: Eric Cartman can't seem to remember the words to O Holy Night.
We're gonna use a little shock therapy.
I'm gonna give one of you children this cattle prod and if Eric forgets any words, just shock him a little. Okay?

Mr. Garrison: Here you go Kyle why don't you take it

(music starts)
Kyle: SWEET!

Mr. Garrison: Okay Eric whenever you're ready

Cartman: And, Oh holy ni- (Shock) Ow!
Hey what was that for, I didn't Screw up!

Kyle: Ha Ha

Mr Garrison: No Kyle you can't shock him unless he forgets the words.

Kyle: Sorry Mr. Garrison

Cartman: And, O holy night the stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear saviour's birth.
O holy night....(mumbles) (Shock)

Children: HAHAHA

Cartman: It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie (Shock)

Mr. Garrison: THOSE AREN'T THE WORDS ERIC

Cartman: Cause Jesus was born and--so we give him presents (Shock) OW
Uum (Shock)(OW) decorations.. (Shock) OK on the tree
Fall on your knees and hear the angels .... voices (Shock) OW!
O night divine

Mr. Garrison: Very nice Eric.

Cartman: O night, o night divine ----
There see I remembered that whole chorus didn't even have to...

Mr. Garrison: MISSED IT!

Cartman: Oh night (Shock) DEEEVIIINE

Kyle: Dang Cartman

Mr. Garrison: WOW.....

Cartman: O night, O night...divine
(Shock) (Shock)

Children: Ha, Ha (Shock) (Shock)

Mr. Garrison: Ok Eric, now we're gonna do the French words

Cartman: WHAT?!

Jacob Marley: Look to see me no more. But look here, that you may remember for your own sake what has passed between us!

Ebenezer: Why do they lament?

Jacob Marley: They seek to interfere for good in human matters, and have lost their power forever.


A trucker driving along on the freeway notices a road sign in the distance that reads Low Bridge Ahead.

Sure enough, the trucker gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police officer arrives at the scene. The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks around to the truck driver. He puts his hands on his hips and remarks, "Looks like you got stuck, huh?"

The trucker replies sarcastically, No, officer, actually I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of fuel!

RESOLUTION #9:

2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

UNCLE KRACKER
I Wish I Had A Dollar


[Chorus]

I wish I had a dollar for all the times somebody told me
Everything's gonna be alright
I wish I had a dollar for all the times somebody told me
Everything's gonna be alright

I've been lost in Boston, Austin Texas is always sweet
I stumbled around that Texas town but I never left Sixth Street
You know it's always hard to keep my feet from tryin' to run away
And it seems I spent a lifetime tryin' to make everything ok

I wanna go down to see her
She's my little queen
I wanna go down to tell her
She means the world to me
I wish I was down to watch her
Play that tambourine
She always brought a smile to me
I'd do anything

I wish I had a dollar for all the times somebody told me
Everything's gonna be alright

I wish sometimes that I could say she never told me so
And I'd walk a million miles on down the same old broken road
Now you can always reap just what you sew I know that's true
And I pray some day that I wake and my poor feet won't fit these shoes

I wanna go down to see her
She's my little queen
I wanna go down to tell her
She means the world to me
I wish I was down to watch her
Play that tambourine
She always brought a smile to me
I'd do anything

I wish I had a dollar for all the times somebody told me
Everything's gonna be alright

If I listened closely I can hear it oh so clear
Like a south bound train like fallin' rain like a whisper in my ear
Everything I'd like to hear you know I don't hear much no more
But I know someday that you'll come my way and you'll walk right thru that door

I wanna go down to see her
She's my little queen
I wanna go down to tell her
She means the world to me
I wish I was down to watch her
Play that tambourine
She always brought a smile to me
I'd do anything

I wish I had a dollar for all the times somebody told me
Everything's gonna be alright

[REPEAT]

Johnny: I wish I had a Laughing Place.

Ginny: Me, too.

Uncle Remus: What makes you think you ain't? Course you got a Laughing Place.

Johnny: Really, Uncle Remus?

Ginny: Really?

Uncle Remus: Everybody's got one. The trouble is, most folks won't take time to go look for it.

Johnny, Ginny: Where's mine?

Uncle Remus: Well, now, that I can't exactly say. 'Cause where 'tis for one mightn't be where 'tis for another.

Johnny: Come on, Ginny. Let's start looking.

Do you collect anything?

Last play you saw?

5. Purity:
The concept of purity is important in Islam. There are a variety of ways in which purity is to be maintained. One is through the avoidance of using drugs and alcohol or engaging in gambling. Another is through not eating certain foods, like pork. And finally, there is the matter of maintaining a measure of ritual cleanliness. Although the concept of purity may sound relatively innocuous, it is in fact the foundation of many harmful, discriminatory, and even violent behaviors. An insistence on purity has often been the reasoning behind excluding women from certain areas of life, for example, especially after pregnancy or menstruation. A desire for ritual purity can encourage the belief that "impure" beliefs of others must be suppressed, the "impure" people must be discriminated against, and that "impure" behaviors must be legally banned.

Q. What's the difference between an American BBQ and an Islamic BBQ?
A. In America, Humans roast animals over a fire. In Islam, it's the other way around.

Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?
A. "Having car trouble?"

Q. What's the difference between Cindy Sheehan and a terrorist enemy?
A. I don't know either.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a one ton CARE package?
A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village.

burns