RKMBs Forums .::Important::. Writer's Block Love (A solo story)

Nightfall.

When night falls, La Perdita changes. The metas come out and play. As the tourists hit the streets, the meta community hits the number one hotspot for their kind, Jake’s Place.

Tonight is Saturday night and one “man” has a mission. To explore the bar and find the one woman he can call his own. The doors of Jake’s bar open wide and the once LORD OF THE FLIES steps in. He brushes the fake hair on his head and fixes his leisure suit.

Tonight, BHAGHHH-RUPTH will find a mate.

Our intrepid hero strolls up to the bar. He's greeted by our intrepid bartender... Damn! Bartenders can never be dealt with as primary characters! Wait a minute...

Never mind. "Evenin'," the metahuman woman says cheerfully. "You're new here, aren't you?" She pauses. "What's your name?"

"BHAGHHH-RUPTH."

"Bless you!"

"No, that's my..."

He is interrupted by a pair of gorgeous, catlike metawimmens in spandex. "Evenin', cutie," the one on the left purrs. "What do you call yourself?"

"BHAGHHH-RUPTH."

Both kitties step back several feet. "Gesundheit!" someone calls from across the bar.

BHAGHHH-RUPTH [pardon me] hangs his head. "This is not going well."

"Hey, Bhaghhh!" came the voice of the off-duty walrus-tusked doorman, who guarded the entrance to Jake's. "Y'aren't singin' tonight, are you?"

"Nope..." the Lord of the Flies answered, shaking his head. "I'm trying to find my soulmate... again."

"Again?" Chewy asked, putting a heavy, blubbery hand on the turtle-man's shoulder. "What happened, man?"

"Well, Chewy..." he sighed, raising his finger as Jake slid a beer down the bar toward him, "I guess I just don't understand the ladies!"

"Weren't you dating someone not too long ago?" Chewy asked, sipping his Boilermaker.

"Yeah..." Baghhh-rupth said, looking around. "But she was slightly radioactive and eventually reached her half-life before things were able to get too serious."

"Cryin' shame, man," Chewy said, shaking his head in sympathy.

"What am I gonna do, man?" Bhaghhh asked sadly.

"Whatever it is you do best, man..." Chewy offered. "You still sing, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, I think Jake would be more'n happy to warm up the old karaoke machine for ya... isn't that right, Jake?"

"Sure thing!" the bartender smiled, throwing a wink over at Bhaghhh-rupth. "Just gotta make sure that Otto doesn't get up there again. I swear, if I never hear I've Got Friends in Low Places again, it'll be too soon!"

Chewy chuckled a bit as Bhaghhh looked around nervously. Then, the turtle-man-creature-thing threw back the rest of his beer and stood up, banging his hands on the bartop.

"I'LL DO IT!" he roared.

The entire bar grew silent as crickets chirped.

"Oops..."

"I," BHAGHHH-RUPTH's voice started,
"Don't have
Plans and schemes
And I,
Don't have
Hopes and dreams

IIIIIII
Don't have
Any-thing
Since
I don't
Have yooooou

And I
Don't have
Born desires
And I
Don't have
Happy hours

IIIIIIIII
Don't have
Any-thing
Since
I don't
Have yoooooou..."

BHAGHHH-RUPTH closed his eyes and started remembering his first love, Carla, a metahuman he met in his youth.

"I don't have happiness and
I guess I never will again!
When you walked out on me
In walked old misery,
And he's been he--"

Suddenly, BHAGHHH-RUPTH's voice was interrupted by a loud sound.

"BHAGHHH-RUPTH!"

BHAGHHH-RUPTH opened his eyes and looked around the bar.

"CARLA?!"

"No," Blackwulf answered, sitting in a table near the stage, "It was me, comrade. I am being very sorry, it's just that I am being eating baked beans before coming here..."

“Oh,” BHAGHHH-RUPTH lowered his head, “with that deep raspy voice, I thought you were someone else…”

“No comrade. You am done your singing?”

“Yeah, it just don’t feel right.”

“I being here, you need to talk?”

“It was 120 years ago, when I met her. I hadn’t become the Lord of the Flies yet, but the swamp hell I lived in blossomed and smelt much better when she entered my life. Don’t get me wrong, the swamp smelt very nice before hand, but she brought in such an eroma. She was a year older and was able to teach BHAGHHH-RUPTH a few things…”

“That be too much info comrade. Why she no here?”

“We grew apart when I became the Lord of the Flies. I placed my work in front of her and she got fed up. She didn’t understand me. The struggle to become who I had become. My role!”

“None be worth that. Have a drink, I’ll explain to you the being that am the women.”

"The womens, comrade," Blackwulf said, as Bhaghhh-rupth took another swig of ale, "are being like delicate flower. If too many times you are being ignored of them, they are being withered, no?"

"Huh?" Bhaghhh-rupth asked, shaking his head slightly.

"It is being like cabaret," Wulf continued, "only they are not being dancing and instead are being breaking your heart into the millions of teh pieces!"

"Huh?" Bhaghhh-rupth asked again, not sure if it was Blackwulf that he couldn't understand, or if it was the beer talking.

"I am being coming clean!" Wulf broke down, sobbing openly. "I am being having dumped by the woman too!"

"Carla?" Bahghhh-rupth asked.

"No!" Wulf said, the tears flowing down his purple fur like barrel-riders down Niagra Falls. "Sheila! She am being the greatest girl in the world for me and I am being tossing her aside like the leftover cabbage slaw!"

"Cole slaw?" Bhaghhh-rupth asked, tilting his head to the side. "Look, man... I dunno if it's the beer doing the listening... but I can't understand a damn word you're saying..."

"Oh, I've got friends in low places..." came the few opening stanzas of the Garth Brooks classic as a drunken Uncle Otto stumbled up onto the stage, karaoke mic in one hand, a pitcher of lager in the other.

"Oh, that's it!" came the angry voice of Jake from the bar. Pulling out a shotgun, Jake fired a round off into the karaoke machine, causing sparks to fly everywhere. Otto passed out from too much drunken excitement.

"NO MORE KARAOKE! EVER!" Jake's pronouncement echoed over the bar as many metahumans sighed in sorrow.

"Oh, no!" the Lord of the Flies sighed. "How am I gonna pick up women now?"

"What am that being the matter?" Blackwulf sobbed beside him. "How am I ever going to be finding somebody to love?!"

Bhaghhh-rupth merely sat there in confused surprise as the mammoth purple dog-man sobbed wildly on his shoulder...

"Screw women!" Uncle Otto said, sitting in the table with BHAGHHH-RUPTH and Blackwulf, uninvited and not giving a damn about it. "I got dumped by Mrs. Otto yeeeears ago and I haven't had a lasting relationship since then..."

"What am being the problem with Mrs. Otto?" Blackwulf asked.

"Ummm guys," BHAGHHH-RUPTH said, "it's getting kinda late and I..."

"She didn't like me turning into a bear back in '96," Otto interrupted. "She said she didn't want to get arrested for being with me..."

"Ah, the MCCA?" Blackwulf asked.

"No, the animal's rights association..." Otto answered, taking a sip from his pitcher, "I said 'Baby, if lovin' you was a crime, then...'"

"Guys, I should really go, I..." BHAGHHH-RUPTH said.

"SHADDAP! '...then I would be guilty!' And she said, 'but it's the other way around, so BYE!' And POOF she was gone like THAT!"

"That am sucks, comrade..." Blackwulf said, patting Otto in the back. "Am telling you what, since women am treating us three badly we am should give up women!"

"Yeah!" Otto said. "But not in an homosexual way, right?"

"Noooooo..." Blackwulf replied, "Not that there am being anything wrong with that..."

"Then YEAH!"

"Guys I should really go..." BHAGHHH-RUPTH said.

"SHADDAP!" the two drunken furry metahumans responded at once.

"I just called some guys," Jake told his assistant managers. "They'll be along to provide some music in a minute."

Elsewhere in the bar, our hero had slipped away from the very inebriated Otto and Wulf and was perusing the crowd, searching for any prospects.

"But seriously," a nasal, whiny voice came from his right, "who reads G'nort, anyway? Nobody. Obscure waste of paper."

"Not quite the 'obscure waste of paper' Vext is, but that is a tough act to follow," another voice chimed in from his left. BHAGHHH-RUPTH turned to see two acne-plagued, twentysomething guys, one short and rotund, one tall and wiry. The tall one continued. "Obscure comics aren't that bad. Look where Sandman started!"

"I don't care," the first one said. "Gaiman is God. G'nort, on the other hand, is crap."

"Shut up, Ferris," the thin fanboy said.

"After you, J-Man," the heavier one replied.

BHAGHHH-RUPTH was in hell. Scratch that - hell had nicer upholstery, and the fanboys were locked away in rooms and forced to watch Action Comics #1 repeatedly burned before their very eyes. He had to get out of here.

Just then, the doors opened, and Grimm the Avatar of Death pushed a piano into the room. He was followed by Priest, who was carrying an upright bass, and Michael Ringo, who was wheeling in a disassembled drum set.

BHAGHHH-RUPTH shook his head. "I never did finish State of Mind..."

But then, BHAGHHH-RUPTH lowered his brow, remembering the time that Grimm almost took off his smaller compact yet round head with that glowing blue axe. But that was all in the past and they were, well buddies now. They had reached that point through song. Bands get the girls!

“Mr. Grimm!” Bhaghhh-Rupth howled, “Need a lead singer?”

“Um, sorry B, but we’re set. Ringo’s voice is like fire.”

The Vanguards had a lot of downtime between adventures and turned towards making some extra cash and filling their artistic needs. It was also a good way to bond. Grimm slid the piano, slipping and accidentally bumping into Priest who nearly dropped his bass. Priest turned and got into the avatar of death’s skull face.

“WATCH IT!”

BHAGHHH-RUPTH moved on, across the bar and dropped himself onto a table. There was already a beer there. Looking into it he saw the butts of a few cigs. Slamming the beer down he smiled as he crunched the what he liked to call them “tobacco candy wraps” and followed with another similar beer filled cig drink.

He whipped his eyes that were filled with sadness. When would he find his soul mate.

“When will I find my soul mate” a raspy voice rang through his ears.

Turning, the Lord of the Flies eye’s connected with those of a 7-foot, four-armed, bald, androgyne, with smooth, pale skin, one Ms. Octavia.

She was sad just like him. A lonely sadness.

BHAGHHH-RUPTH smelled Octavia. Octavia smelled BHAGHHH-RUPTH. It was love at first smell.

They slowly approached each other, BHAGHHH-RUPTH looking up directly at Octavia's eyes, and then they...

...fell to the ground after a loud explosion shook the bar. Every look turned towards the door, or to be more precise, the place where the door used to be. A man was standing there: red suit, red bullet-shaped helmet, smoking cannons instead of arms.

"I am LORD BLAST!" he shouted, "and you will give all your money or I'll BLAST this joint to HELL!"

Otto and Blackwulf looked at each other.

"This am being our *hic* chance to prove to the ladies that we am being real *hic* men!!!"

"I thought we gave up women?!"

"Who am taking track of what we am saying? Let's go!"

The two wild metahumans jumped towards Lord Blast. Blackwulf tripped on a chair and Otto tripped on Blackwulf. As soon as they hit the floor, they fell asleep.

BHAGHHH-RUPTH looked around the bar. No other meta there besides him seemed powerful enough to stand up to the villain. Finally he had found what he was looking for (the 7-foot, four-armed, bald, androgyne, with smooth, pale skin he always dreamed of), but he was being forced by fate to put his life in danger. What would he do, what would he do? Oh, I wouldn't like to be the writer to come up with an answer for this dillema.
So I won't be.

"Hmmmmm," BHAGHHH-RUPTH thought aloud, "right about now, Phil Smith's character Phil Smith would have this big long dramatic monologue about the risks associated with trying to balance romantic interests and the demands imposed by the responsibility of people in heroic positions."

"Yeah," Jake replied, "but nobody reads what that whiny motherfucker says anyway. So get up there and kick this guy's ass, okay?"

BHAGHHH-RUPTH shrugged. Nothing to lose, really. Now for a clever way to dispatch this goon...

"Excuse me," he called, "your suit looks uncomfortable."

The intruder shrugged. "Mail order. Bastards must use metric measurements or something."

"No," BHAGHHH-RUPTH replied, "those cannons."

The villain held up one of the guns. "Oh, these."

"They're cool," BHAGHHH-RUPTH said.

"Thanks," LORD BLAST beamed.

"But what if you have an itch?"

"An... itch?" The red-clad ruffian paused. "Never thought of that."

"Can you scratch your nose with those?" BHAGHHH-RUPTH asked, indicating LORD BLAST's twin cannon.

The intruder thought a moment. He slowly raised one cannon to rub his nose. "Well," he replied, "it's not too effective just rubbing it like this. Maybe if I pull the trig..."

LORD BLAST's first and last magic trick ended with his head magically disappearing from his shoulders. The rest of him slowly toppled to the ground as the rest of the people in the bar slowly stood to their feet.

Grimm strolled out of the restroom nonchalantly. "Damn," he said to himself. "Guy can't take a piss anymore without some explosion going off." He turned to Jake. "Sorry, man, I kinda hosed down the far wall in there."

"I gotta clean that up first," Jake replied, indicating the remains of LORD BLAST.

Grimm shook his head. "Mail order again?"

Jake nodded, annoyed. "That's the third time this month."

"Kids these days," Grimm lamented.

Things began to settle down in Jake's Metabar. Jake and Chewy pulled out a couple of brooms and began sweeping the remnants of Lord Blast out the hole for the door... after going through his pockets and trying to get as much money from him as they could to pay for the damage done to the door.

Grimm, Ringo, and Priest all took their places back on the stage and began to softly play a nice jazz rendidtion of the Cheers theme.

"Sometimes you wanna go..." Ringo sang, tapping out a tune on his bongos.

"Wow..." Octavia said, looking up at Bhaghhh-rupth with its soft-doe eyes. "...that was incredible..."

"Thanks," Bhaghhh said, scratching his head sheepishly. "Say... Octavia... would you... uh...?"

"Care to dance?" came the voice of a scrawny little eel-like meta, as he held out his hand for Octavia.

Bhaghhh-rupth's eyes narrowed as he pulled his head into his massive shell and leapt into the air.

"BOMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!" he yelled, crushing the small eel beneath his enormous girth. White eel guts squirted out from all sides as Bhaghhh got up from his position on the floor.

Octavia giggled as the turtle-man-creature-thing wiped off the front of his leisure suit and took off his fake wig.

"Say, Octavia... wanna dance?" he asked, extending his hand.

Octavia giggled as she slid one of her hands into his, while using another to lightly carress it. "Sure," she said, smiling broadly.

As Bhaghhh-rupth led Octavia out onto the dance floor, he slipped a piece of paper to Grimm, who had just finished the final bars of the Cheers theme. Grimm, passed the slip around to the other members of the band, who all smiled and nodded, as they looked down at a winking Bhaghhh-rupth.

Ringo tapped a couple drumsticks together to mark the beat.

"Bah bah bah bah bahbah bah bah bah
Bah bah bah bah bahbah bah bah baaaaaahh...

I was sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream
Like all at once I wake up from something that keeps knocking at my brain
Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head
And spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread
I think I love you

This morning I woke up with this feeling
I didn't know how to deal with and so I just decided to myself
I'd hide it to myself and never talk about it
And did not go and shout it when you walked into the room
I think I love you

I think I love you so what am I so afraid of
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for
I think I love you isn't that what life is made of
Though it worries me to say that I never felt this way!"

Octavia sighed happily and lay her head against Bhaghhh's chest, two arms wrapped around his neck and two around his waist. The turtle shot a look over to Blackwulf and Otto, who both were moved to tears at how well their friend had done.

"It is being so beautiful!" Wulf sobbed, hugging Otto as he took a swig of beer. "I am being loving happy endings!"

"Happy endings, nothin'!" Otto bellowed, smashing his beer stein on the table. "That scrawny little eel-guy was my ride home!"

And as the Vanguardian Jazz Trio seranaded them, Octavia and Bhaghhh-rupth slow danced the night away 'til the sun came up the next morning.

All was right with the world...

THE END

Epilogue

The next day, Jake’s Bar did indeed get a new karaoke machine and badly sung music returned to the meta community.

END.

2nd Epilogue:

"Man, what the heck were those guys smoking?" the Canadian said in a far corner table. "I need to get me some of that!"

"Eh eh eh eh," the Italian laughed, taking another sip of wine. "It was funny, but I don't understand all of the joke, English not being my first language after all."

"Hey, don't give me that -- Mxy's first language isn't English, either, after all."

"This is true. Ehy, pardon me, TTT, but why are we in this story?"

"Oh... uh... well... y'see, Euro, there's this old thing about writers who write themselves into a collaborative story. Once they've made themselves part of a fictional universe, they're up for grabs just like any other background character or guest star. I did it back in that TOMB story, Journeys of the Heart, and I've never quite made it back. And you one-upped that with your Soul Search story."

"I understand that, TTT. But why are we here on La Perdita having drinks at Jake's? Don't you live in Vancouver, BC, Canada, just as I live in Albareto, Parma, Italy? Our fictional counterpart are the same, yes?"

"..."

"?"

"...uhhhh... Continuity has the hiccups...?"

"Eh eh eh. Where are those retcon penguins when you need them?"