RKMBs Forums .::Important::. RDCW Tuesday Night Havoc: 2/8/2005

Intercuntinetal Divison Match single choice

Backwards7 (28%, 9 Votes)

Charlie (72%, 23 Votes)

Total Votes: 32 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-13 9:14 AM

Heavyweight Cheese Division Match single choice

PJP (58%, 19 Votes)

Balls Nasty (42%, 14 Votes)

Total Votes: 33 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-13 9:14 AM

Intergender Mystery Stipulation Tag Match single choice

The Crotch/King Snarf Rules (41%, 13 Votes)

Meeko/PenWing (59%, 19 Votes)

Total Votes: 32 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-13 9:14 AM

Triple Threat Hardcore Hell In A Cell Match single choice

The Hulk (3%, 1 Votes)

Two-Ton Tommy (3%, 1 Votes)

Darth (19%, 6 Votes)

Spandex Monkey Man (75%, 24 Votes)

Total Votes: 32 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-13 9:14 AM

Tag Match single choice

Legbreakers 4 Hire (22%, 7 Votes)

Joe Mama/King Snarf (78%, 25 Votes)

Total Votes: 32 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-13 9:14 AM

Welcome to the post Rumble Havoc. I tell you, it's been one helluva weekend here in the Cheesedome.

Tonight, The Crotch and the #1 fan of the reigning champ, King Snarf Rules, go against Meeko and Penwing in an Intergender Tag match.

Marcum: I hear Penwing's picked out the perfect dress for it, too.

The mystery stipulation has just been announced. This is now a hair vs. hair match. The losing team will have their heads shaved completely bald in the very center of the ring.

Then, four men will enter the Hell in the Cell for a Hardcore bonanza. Weapons will be suspended from the cage for the participants to use.

Marcum: You're forgetting my favorite part. Since Spandex Monkey Man declared it a Triple Threat match with four men, the Doctor has ruled that in order to win, one of the men must pin SPAMM for the three count, OR SPAMM must pin either the Hulk, Two-Ton Tommy, or Darth to come out of this a winner. I love it!

Following that, Legbreakers 4 Hire will go against King Snarf and the newest memeber of the Bastardo Family, Joe Mama.

Marcum: I knew he'd wise up one day.

But first, it's Backwards7 faceing Charlie and PJP going against the ghost from Grimm's past, Balls Nasty.

As the crowd waits for Charlie and backwards7 to make their way to the ring,we see KSR standing in one corner with mic in hand.

KSR:Before we ring the bell for our opening match,I have a special guest I want to bring out here right now...he's got a few words for Louie Bastardo and the rest of the Bastardo Family,as well as all the other RDCW superstars and the fans.He is,of course,none other than former RDCW I.C. champion and onetime charter Bastardo Family member Chris Oakley.

Huge pops from the crowd as Chris strides down the rampway wearing a Patriots cap and a "Louie Bastardo Sucks" T-shirt.He climbs in the ring and briefly pauses to acknowledge the crowd before taking KSR's first question.

KSR:Chris,your championship reign and association with the Bastardo Family both came to a dramatic end at the RDCW Rumble...your thoughts?
Chris:From the second I first hired Louie as my manager,I always held the Family's best interests at heart...yeah,I admit I might have been a little too quick to point fingers when the signs started cropping up that there was a traitor in the ranks,but I never even considered acting with anything less than 100% loyalty to the Family.And how does Louie reward my faithfulness?(brief pause)BY SELLING ME OUT TO THAT BACKSTABBING SON OF A BITCH JOE MAMA!!!

More huge pops.Chris has a look of almost psychotic fury on his face as he recalls how Louie turned on him at the Rumble.

KSR:Louie says he treated you like a son--
Chris:Yeah,well,that fat piece of shit's about to learn that when a father betrays a son,sooner or later the son makes him pay for it....in blood!!!(Crowd is now practically cheering at the top of their lungs)I've hired a new manager,one I know I can trust to watch my back--I won't tell you who they are yet,but I will say that they're just as pissed off as I am about what Louie's done to me!
KSR:You sound really angry...
Chris:"Angry" doesn't begin to cover it.I'm not going to rest until I've destroyed Louie,Joe Mama,and the rest of the Bastardo scumbags!(Looks around the stands)I'm going to pledge to everybody here in the Cheesedome tonight that from now on,I'll make it my personal mission to wipe the Bastardo Family out once and for all...and if any of the other RDCW superstars want to join me,I'll be happy to have them on board.

More pops.Chris takes off his cap and wipes the sweat off his forehead before KSR's next question.

KSR:Does this mean you're issuing a challenge to the Bastardo Family?
Chris(giving a wicked Mick Foley-esque grin):Damn right it does,KSR,and not just any challenge either--I'm demanding that Louie Bastardo face me on next week's Havoc in....

Dramatic pause

Chris:...a steel cage match.

Standing ovation erupts;crowd starts chanting "CKO!CKO!"

Chris:And that's not all...I want a stipulation included that if I win the cage match,I get an automatic title shot against Joe Mama at No Way Out Of The Closet!

KSR starts to ask another question,but Chris motions both him and the fans for silence.

Chris:PenWing,I'm still a little annoyed at you for eliminating me from the Rumble match,but you and I can settle our problems another day;right now it's more important to rid RDCW of the cancer that is the Bastardo Family.And to Nuriko and Los Monstros Azules,all I can say is:I hope you guys find the courage to break free of that turncoat Louie Bastardo soon.James Fantastic,since you were kicked out of the Family too,you know what I'm going through right now,so I'm counting on you to step up and help me avenge the wrong Louie did to both of us.And Snarf...God help you if get in my way,because once I get finished kicking Louie's and Joe's asses,yours is next,bitch!
KSR:And so begins the next chapter of Chris Oakley's career in RDCW!

Chris high-fives a group of fans wearing PenWing and Meeko T-shirts as he leaves the ring area and heads back to the locker room;camera then fades to Nuriko's dressing room,where she's putting the finishing touches on her makeup before heading out to do her own in-ring promo.

*In another part of the locker room area, Johnny Evil walks up to King Snarf.*

KS: I'm probably the only person in this building who's glad to see you're here.

JE: I'm not really here to make friends. Just to do business.

KS: Yes, speaking of which, I believe you promised 10,000 dollars to the man who eliminated Notwedge.

JE: Indeed I did. And, evil as I am, I always keep my promises.

*JE hands KS the briefcase and starts to walk away, then he stops and looks over his shoulder.*

JE: Of course, I never promised 10,000 AMERICAN dollars. Try not to spend it all in one place, eh?

*JE starts to walk away again, turning a corner as KS opens the brief case. He looks quite angry as he looks at the contents.*

KS: Of all the...stupid...worthless...CANADIAN MONEY!

*He slams the case closed and storms off.*

It's a strangely familiar sight, as Notwedge walks down to the ring with no entrance music. What IS strange, is how serious he looks. He's wearing a leather jacket and he has on sunglasses instead of his usual cheap dollar store mask. He climbs into the ring with a microphone already in his hand.*

Nw: There are probably some of you who think I should be proud of myself. There I was, with some of the best the RDCW had to offer. I had a price on my head, people gunning for me from all sides and I was still one of the last four people left. In spite of all that Johnny Evil tried to I held my own against the best of the best. So yeah, there are probably some of you who think I should be proud. Well, I have something to say to the people who think that...

*Nw bows his head down and starts to unzip his jacket.*

...YOU'RE ABSO-FREAKIN'-LUTELY RIGHT!

*NW takes off the jacket, revealing he's wearing an open Hawaiian shirt and a T-Shirt that says "I'M #4" on it. The crowd goes crazy as the song "Hot Hot Hot" plays over the speakers and scantily clad women run down to the ring area with air cannons which they use to shoot "I'M #4" t-shirts into the crowd. Conga lines made up entirely of monkeys move through the crowd as baloons and confetti fall from the rafters.*

NW: I am feeling so damn good right now, I'd like to extend a special invitation to all the tag teams out there, there's going to be a special Tag Team Mini Rumble next week. I don't care if you're a long time team, a recent team. Hell, you could be any two people who happen to be hearing this together. Just say you want to be in it and, boom, you're in it. I want everyone to have the same chance at the Tag Team titles that I had at the world title. only, without the evil guy putting a price on your head. Oh, and by "the same" I mean me and Cap are going to be in it too, and if one of us wins, we choose our opponents for No Way Out of the Closet. Next week, all the entrants will have special "lottery" matches. The winners will have a better chance at one of the later spots in the Mini Rumble. So, just let it be known that you want in, and you'll get hooked up with a match next week. Until then, PARTY ON DUDES!

*The party keeps going as the show goes to commercial.*

"Turning Japanese" comes over the PA speakers as Nuriko, in a black kimono, steps into the ring. She's holding something behind her back, but we can't see what it is. Holding it with one hand, she picks up the mike with the other.

NURIKO: Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid that I must tell you something very painful tonight--I have decided that I can no longer remain part of the Bastardo Family, and the fault lies mainly with one woman in particular: Grace.

Camera zooms in on Nuriko's face; beneath her elegant traditional Japanese makeup, her face is crimson with fury.

NURIKO: After falsely accusing me of spreading lies about her behind her back, she then poisoned Bastardo-san's mind against certain members of the Family. We who were a proud clan are now scattered to the four winds.
As for you, Grace . . .

Nuriko reaches for the item she's been holding behind her back; it's a huge samurai sword. She holds it in front of her, slashing with it as she utters her next lines.

NURIKO: I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR LYING, BACKSTABBING, ASS, YOU BITCH! I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD!!

With that, Nuriko throws down the mike and takes off toward the locker room area. Before she can get far, however, arena security blocks her way. Two of them hold her back while a third takes the sword from her. Then they escort her, still screaming insults in Japanese, to her own locker room. Camera fades out.

*King Snarf enters the Bastardo locker room, where Louie and Joe Mama are discussing strategy for the upcoming tag match*

Louie: Champ! How are you?
King Snarf: Louie, we got to talk.
Louie: Sure!
KS: How could you not tell me you firing Chris and everybody? Shouldn't I have been consulted?
Louie: Well...
KS: Besides? Firing? I would've given them a stern lecture. That'd learn 'em!
Louie: Stern..?
KS: Never underestimate the power of a stern finger-wagging. And another thing, what's HE doing here? *King Snarf shoots a glance at Joe*
Louie: What about him?
KS: He's up to no good! Might I remind you he hit me with a car?
Louie: Well, one could argue otherwise. After all, after he hit both you and TK-069, you both became Big Cheese Champs!
KS: Well, why don't we have him hit YOU with a car? Then you can be Champ.
Louie: *Louie ponders this for a second* Noo! I'm an idea man!
KS: And it's not just the car. He's very rude and short-tempered, he's always hitting people with various blunt instruments, and HE HIT ME WITH A FRIGGIN CAR!! Oh, by the way Joe, this is for you. *Hands Joe a piece of paper*
Joe: What's this?
KS: A bill. Hospital stays, psychiatric visits to get over my fear of El Caminos; I expect to be fully reimbursed now that we're both Bastardos. I certainly don't want to involve lawyers in this...
Louie: Champ! Be reasonable. You can't expect Joe to pay you-
KS: As my manager, you get 25% of whatever I get from Joe.
Louie: ... Joe, he's got a point. You did hit him with a car....
KS: And another thing, he doesn't exactly play well with others. He was kicked out of the RwO, he turned on PenWing and Sammitch... How do we know he won't turn on us?
Louie: I'll tell you how. I gave him a "Welcome to the Bastardo Family" gift basket from hickory farms! You remember the one I gave you right?
KS: Yeah! That was great! With the beef stick and the little strawberry candies?
Louie: That's right! Oakley didn't get a gift basket, Fantastic didn't get a gift basket!
KS: That WAS a nice basket...
Louie: Look, champ, I'm not asking you to like Joe, I'm just asking you to get along.
KS: Alright, Louie. For you, and for Hickory Farms. *To Joe* Alright, but I've got my eye on you! And if you think I'm giving you a Valentine's Day cookie bouquet like I am Louie and Grace, then you've got another thing coming! I'll see you in the ring! *With that, King Snarf makes a dramatic exit!*

Ben Harper's "Faded" blasts over the speakers. As the crowd boos and howls in anger, the NEW Bastardo Family makes their way down the ramp. Louie Bastardo is at the head of the line, followed by King Snarf, Grace, and (after a few moments) Joe Mama. Louie grabs a mic from the announce table, shaking hands with Madman Marcum, while the other three enter the ring. Joe Mama is standing just in front of King Snarf and Grace. Louie joins his family and hands Joe Mama the mic, telling him "Go ahead, Champ..."

JM: You people ask me "Why?", and I respond "Why not?" You ask me "When?", and I tell you "Longer than you think". You ask "How could this happen?" and I ask you "How did you NOT know?" I mean, the hints were there if you wanted to see them. Didn't you ever wonder about the timing of Louie's arrival - just after the fall of the RwO? Didn't you find it strange that I did nothing to stop the Bastardo Family, even though I was the architect of the RwO's demise? It didn't strike any of you as odd that, given the chance to decide both the IC and Hardcore titles, I gave them to one hated foe over another instead of just dropping them in the ring and letting Oakley and Sammitch crawl to the belts? And, speaking of titles, why didn't I make any kind of move to get a Heavyweight Title shot? You people just never got it...I've been working behind the scenes on Louie's behalf for quite some time!

The crowd is booing heartily. Joe Mama nods, an arrogant look on his face. Behind him, King Snarf is making faces and moving his lips in time with Joe's speech, mocking him like a schoolboy behind a teacher. Louie, a bemused grin on his face, nudges King Snarf as if to say "knock it off". King Snarf doesn't.

JM: Let me make my position clear. I AM the Bastardo Enforcer! You want a crack at one of the Family? You best be prepared to go through all of us! Unlike the previous Family members, this Family protects their own. We may fight. We may not be best buddies, going out for beers after our matches or giving each other cookie bouquets. But we know that we can count on each other to watch each others' backs. As far as I'm concerned, King Snarf is Family. His interests are MY interests. And, if you thought I was extreme in protecting my interests before, just watch in the coming days...weeks...months!

Y'see, Chris Oakley (and the rest of you ex-Family members), you could've had this kind of support and protection. King Snarf watching your back. The mind and money of Louie Bastardo. My support behind the scenes. And the shark-like business acumen of Grace. But you let petty jealousy, shallow goals, and in-fighting ruin what could have been tickets to greatness for all of you. Chris...d'you want to know who the Bastardo Family traitor was? It was YOU!!! You destroyed your Family, Chris, with your selfishness, self-centeredness, and basic stupidity! You let a rookie like Jimmy Faboo get in your head and poison you! And what do you have to show for it now, Chris? Besides a nasty concussion and hazy memories of greatness that you destroyed for yourself? You have NOTHING! You ARE NOTHING! Live with it!!!

Oh, and by the way, Chris: cute shirt. Did you have it silk-screened at the mall all by yourself? Was your Be-Dazzler broken?

The Bastardo Family laughs at the comments, except for Grace, who is beautifully stoic.

JM: Now you've made all sorts of challenges, Chris, and I'm hard-pressed not to just laugh at you. Are you forgetting the stipulations of the Fenway Park Street Fight? The loser - you - doesn't get a sniff of the Heavyweight and Inter-cunt-Inental Titles for one year! Which means that you don't get a re-match! So what do you do? You challenge Louie Bastardo - a non-wrestler - to a match? Wow, Chris, you are one tough guy! What's next, fighting pre-schoolers for their cots at naptime? Get it through your mind: you are finished. Do everyone a favor and sink into obscurity!

And, since we're on the topic of ex-members, let's answer Nuriko. Another tough customer who threatens non-wrestlers. Nuriko, maybe it's because English ain't your first language (Hell, it's probably not your second or third, either!), but you don't get to resign from the Family. Your loser ass was fired along with your useless bodyguard, joke of a boyfriend, and Jimbo Fagtastic! And, as for a match with Grace, well, you're lucky she doesn't sue you for attempted assault with a deadly weapon. Grace is not a wrestler, she is the finest business mind going! And the Bastardo Family is not putting her in danger just to satisfy your decimated ego and honor. Think seppuku, Nuriko.

But there is one other person I want to address for a different reason. A few weeks ago, I was out of action with a Grade Three Concussion. While I was at home, healing and getting ready for my return to action, a certain someone sent me a "care package". This person sent me a card with some very...nice...thoughts, some candy, a copy of that week's Havoc on tape, and another tape of a more...personal...nature. Imagine my surprise when I saw this same person use one of my own finishers as a tribute to me. Well, in response, let me say this:

Sneaky Bunny, I get your message. And I feel the same way.

Right now, Sneaky Bunny is co-holder of the Lipstick Lesbian Tag Titles. Obviously she's a Champion-caliber wrestler in her own right. But she has no shot at the Women's Boobie Belt as long as her partner and "friend" holds it. Someone as beautiful, gifted, and talented as Sneaky Bunny deserves her shot at greatness. And the Bastardo Family wants to help her achieve just that. So, Sneaky Honey, let me make it official: we want you to join the Family. You don't have to answer now. Think about it. Think about our offer and what it means for you. Let us know when you're ready. Because, make no mistake about it, the Bastardo family takes care of their own. And we want you, Sneaky Bunny, to be one of us!

"Faded" starts up again. The Bastardo Family starts filing out of the ring and making their way to the back amid the boos of the fans. King Snarf is walking behind Joe Mama and Grace, mocking Joe Mama the whole way up. They exit the ring area, leaving everyone to wonder what Joe Mama's commenst mean for Chris Oakley, the ex-Family members, PenWing's faction, and Sneaky Bunny...

As the crowd thinks upon Joe's statement, Action blasts out over the speakers. Smoke Bombs are set off along the ramp, and Fantastic enters, clad in a new outfit and carrying a natty electric guitar, which he plays along to his entrance music. He sets the guitar down against a turnbuckle, vaults into the ring and picks up a microphone

JF: It would be safe to say that Rumble was not the best event of my life. I was defeated by Son Of Mxy, and dunked in a bath full of cum, which among other things ruined my outfit.

there is some laughter at this remark

JF: I was also fired from the Bastardo family after Louie betrayed Chris Oakley, a good friend of mine. If I'd known Louie was gonna do that, Chris, I'd have been down there kicking the bejeebers out of the fat git.

Scattered cheers are heard among the crowds

JF: I hope you're listening, Louie and your little cronies Joe Mama and Snarf, cos I've got something to say. Like Chris, I've got me a new manager, one that's gonna help me in my new objective: To get the Intercuntinental championship the hell away from the Bastardo family!

There are more Cheers from the crowd, which Fantastic acknowledges modestly.

JF: Right now, however, there are other matters to be dealt with. I'd like to announce that myself anf Chris will be enterign Notwedge's tag team mini-rumble. Such an innovative match deserves real class, and I'm hoping me and Chris can add some to the proceedings

There is some applause and cheering from the crowd

JF: Also, I'd like to challenge Penwing to a match for his hardcore title. Make no mistake, Penwing, I respect you as a wrestler and a good man, but hey, when you beat the snot out of Snarf at Robblemania you'll only be able to wear one belt!

There is laughter from the crowd. Fantastic bows modestly, and waits for Penwing's response...

*Rock And Roll Part 2 blasts over the speakers as PenWing walks onto the stage, Sherwood in his left hand, a mic in his right, and the Hardcore Porn belt around his waist. He's wearing a black Cam Neely Boston Bruins jersey, black pants with a thick gold ring around his knees, and his gray "Nike" skate-like boots.*

*The crowd is singing with the song.*

*PenWing raises his Sherwood high, and the crowd roars. The music stops.*

PW: James, I'll admit this: You've got balls.

(Laughter from the crowd)

PW: But James, what makes you think you deserve a title shot over the former Hardcore Champion, and the man I pinned to get my title back, Wednesday?

(The crowd cheers)

PW: In fact, what makes you think I should give you a title shot over another newcomer to the RDCW, Charlie? And then there are all of the other veterans in the back, too many to list, who would love a shot at this belt.

PW: So I've come up with a solution. After talking with The Doctor, there will be a number one contenders match next week for the Hardcore Porn division. Five wrestlers will be invited to compete in this match. The Doctor will be naming two of the participants. The other three will be Wednesday, Charlie, and yes, you, James Fantastic.

*Fantastic Smiles*

PW: I wouldn't smile too quickly, James. I haven't told you what kind of match this will be.

*Fantastic mouths that it doesn't matter, he'll win anyway.*

PW: We're going to have a Table Royal. Five will wrestlers enter the ring, and four tables will be set up outside of the ring. The only way to eliminate a competitor will be to send him through a table from inside the ring. No additional tables will be set up, and each table will have to broken with a different body.

*Fantastic is no longer smiling.*

PW: What did you expect James? This is what hardcore is all about! But, to be fair, I'll give you a reason to smile. The winner of the Table Royal will get to name the type of match we will have at No Way Out of the Closet.

*Fantastic is smiling again.*

PW: Oh, and one more thing. After speaking with Captain Sammitch, we have decided that we will also be entering the Tag Team Mini Rumble. And James, we'll be gunning for you.

*Rock And Roll Part 2 starts up again as PenWing drops the mic unhooks his title belt and holds it up along with his Sherwood. The crowd roars.*

Monroe: Next week's Havoc will be amazing! A Table Royal to decide the number one contender in the Hardcore Porn Division!

Marcum: Yes, but I wonder who the other two competitors will be! You know The Doctor has something up his sleave here!

Monroe: Does it really matter? I'm starting to believe that this young man, James Fantastic, just might win it.

Marcum: He'll probably have to survive a tag match first.

Monroe: You're doubting Fantastic?

Marcum: Louie wouldn't have fired him if he wouldn't have doubted his abilities!

Monroe: Well, I, for one, doubt Louie's abilities. We'll be right back, folks!

After a commercial break, we come back to see Charlie standing in the ring. Instead of his usual attire, he wears smart clothing and a tie. He raises a microphone to his lips, and speaks

Charlie: So, the Hardcore title is up for grabs? Well, lucky me then!

Several of the crowd take up a chant of FANTASTIC!

Charlie: Yeah, yeah. You can forget about that bum, with his fancy new outfit and his new manager. I got me one of those too!

the crowd fall silent, surprised at this news

Charlie: After my defeat at Rumble, I was approached by a man looking to set himself up with men to take out Mr. Bastard and all his little cronies!

more silence. The crowd aren't sure if this is a good or bad thing

Charlie: This man is ten times the man that Louie Bastardo could ever hope to be! And I'm not the only man to realise this. May I introduce my fellow team-mates and wiseguys, Howlerama!

Howlerama come down the ramp to Howler's entrance music, pausing only for Highwayman to openly sneer at the crowd and for Howler to headbutt a fan wearing one of Notwedge's 'I'm Number 4!' t-shirts. The pair make their way to the ring, and Howler takes Charlie's microphone to him

Howler: Since we arrived in RDCW, we have lost every match we competed in. Naurally, we got pissed off about this. Losing to two-bit jobbers like the Legbreakerers and those fags Jackson and Klinton should not happen to men of our stature!

The crowd boos at Howler's arrogance, but He ignores them whilst Highwayman gets out of the ring and threatens a pair of fans brandishing a large 'Sammitch Slam!' banner

Howler: So, we signed on with a new manager, a man of genuine wit and taste. And we're not sorry to say that not only will Fantastic be losing his chance at the Hardcore porn title, we'll be beating the crap out of him and Chris Oafley in the tag team mini-rumble! Yeah, that's right, you losers, we'll be taking that title off Notwedge and Captain of Outer Space!

The crowd chants NOTWEDGE! and FANTASTIC! and the trio in the ring look annoyed. However, Highwayman raises the microphone to his lips, still sneering

Highwayman: Maybe if you chant loud enough you'll wake Notwedge up from his afternoon nap!

Howler and Charlie laugh at Highwayman's remark, and Highwayman returns the mic to Howler

Howler: Time to quiet down, scuzballs! I'd like to take the chance to introduce our manager, and the classiest man in the RDCW, Mr. Bill 'Slick Willie' Williams!

*La Grange plays over the speakers as Slick Willie walks to the stage. He is wearing a white suit, with a black, collarless button shirt, white cowboy boots, and a white cowboy hat. He is being escorted by two of the lovliest women to ever grace the ramp of the Cheesedome, one in each arm. Both are dressed in revealing evening gowns. He takes his time strolling to the ring, where he helps the ladies up the steps. Howler and Highwayman hold teh ropes open for the ladies, and everyone makes their way into the ring. Howler hands Slick Willie the mic.*

Slick Willie: It is a pleasure to be standin in the ring tonight. What we have here, is the future of the RDCW.

(The crowd boos)

Slick Willie: Well now, Ah think all of you are just jealous that you don't have these fine women standing next to you. No, when you go home tonight, you'll be sittin in front of your TVs watching soft porn on Skinemax. When Ah go home tonight, Ah'll be gettin laid.

(More boos)

Slick Willie: And whah? Because you don't have enough money get you what you need. You never siezed the opportunities that were available to you. These fine young men here, they saw an opportunity, and they took it. That's what mah company is all about. That's whah Ah am here tonight, to sieze an opportunity.

(The crowd boos some more)

Slick Willie: Next week on Havoc, Charlie will be entering a Table Royal. Ah can tell you this, Charlie will sieze an opportunity to make his mark. And Howlerama, the tag teams in the back have gotten off lucky. That all changes next week, when Howlerama shows everyone what The Company is all about.

(More Boos)

Slick Willie: Boys, I think it's time to go out and celebrate. Ladies, come on out here.

*Three more beautiful young women in evening gowns walk out to the ring.*

Slick Willie: This is how Ah treat mah company men. Big Business is taking over the RDCW, and we are gonna bring home some gold!

*"La Grange" plays over the speakers as The Company men leave the ring and head out of the Cheesedome.*

Monroe: This man makes me sick.

Marcum: I don't know, Monroe, I kinda like him. Do you think he can get me one of those girls?

Monroe: He probably had to pay for those girls. Who knows where they've been.

Marcum: Who cares!? Look at them! This guy has style!

Monroe: But no class. We'll be right back.

KSR: I'm standing back stage with the Dark Lord, Darth. Darth, tonight you find yourself in a Tripple Threat Hell in a Cell match against The Hulk, Two-Ton Tommy, and Spandex Monkey Man, who not only eliminated you in the Battle Royal before the Rumble, but also may have caused your elimination from the Rumble itself. How will you be approaching this match tonight.

(Camera pans up to Darth's hooded face)

Darth: Toniiiiiiighttttt, the little monkey man will feel the true power of the dark siiiiiiiiiiide.

(Darth backs up into the shadows and disappears, leaving King Snarf Rules looking very uneasy.)

The lights in the CheesDome go down, as the Cheese-O-Tron flickers to life. A video begins to play as a deep, gravelly voiceover is heard. . .

There comes a time in everyone’s life when there’s no more room to run. . .

*Shot of Chris Oakley in the ring with a microphone. “There is a traitor in the Bastardo Family! And that traitor is. . .King Snarf!”

A time when lines are drawn. . .
*Shot of Louie Bastardo in the ring, ranting. “Are you the Bastardo Family? Or are you a bunch of jobbers?”

A time when decisions are made. . .
*Shot of Oakley crawling towards the ropes during the Fenway Park match. Scene cuts into slow motion as Louie Bastardo slowly brings the giant trophy down on Oakley’s
head. “What has Louie Bastardo done to his wrestler???”

and a time when alliances are shattered.
*Shot of Joe Mama and Louie in the ring, Louie speaking. “Chris, James, and anyone who wants to side with them in all of this. . .YOU’RE FIRED!!!”

For warriors such as this. . .
*Shot of PenWing holding the Crotch up against the wall, as Meeko looks on. “You sick bastard! What do you think you’re doing?!”

in times like these. . .
*Shot of Grace standing over Nuriko, screaming into a microphone. “Did you think you could get away with trashing me, bitch??!”

There is a time to stand up. . .
*Shot of Grimm confronting Balls Nasty on the rampway. “You’re living in the past! You’re living in 1992!”

and a time to fight.
*Shot of the last ten men brawling in the Rumble. “It’s chaos! It’s a car wreck with human bodies!”

When your back is against the wall. . .
*Shot of Howler from earlier in the night: “Losing to two-bit jobbers should not happen to men of our stature!”

When ghosts from the past return to haunt us. . .
*Shot of Balls Nasty, walking back up the ramp after eliminating himself from the Rumble.
“I told you, Grimmonowski, it’s gonna be on my terms!”

When evil hounds our every move. . .
*Scene of Johnny Evil on the Cheese-O-Tron screaming. “$10,000 to the man who eliminates Notwedge from the Rumble!”

When there is nowhere left to run. . .
*Shot of Nuriko earlier in the night, slashing her samurai sword and screaming: “I’M GOING TO KILL YOUR LYING, BACKSTABBING ASS, YOU BITCH!!!”

When there is no way to escape. . .
*Shot of King Snarf in the locker room yelling: “HE HIT ME WITH A FRIGGIN’CAR!!!”

When there is. . .

NO WAY OUT OF THE CLOSET!!!!


RDCW presents No Way Out of the Closet Feb. 2005 on pay per view!

The fans in the CheeseDome erupt as the trailer ends and the lights come back on. . .

Back in the locker room area,we see Los Monstros Azules in street clothes except for their trademark masks.El Daga holds in his hand what looks like a contract(though from our vantage point we can't tell what kind);Senor Perdicion is talking on a cell phone to an unknown individual.

SP:Si,Senor,we have read the contract.No,there are no problems...we will have it signed and returned to you by tomorrow.(hangs up)
ED:Who was that?
SP:Our manager.Our plans are now complete,and all that is left is to let the world know what Los Monstros have in store for the rest of RDCW.
ED(nods approvingly):We will show everyone that we're the greatest tag team in the world!
SP:Si,amigo...Viva Los Azules!

Daga and Perdicion raise their fists in salute to each other and walk off-camera.

Pinball Wizard comes blasting out of the speakers, and Spandex Monkey Man, accompanied by a slightly teary Rosalita. The crowd cheers him on, and he stops along the way to sign autographs. He steps into the ring, holds the ropes open for Roaslita to get in, and speaks

SMM: This week has seen the rise of further evil in the RDCW. Big Business have arrived, and Joe Mama has betrayed the forces of good to join the Bastardo Family. Added to this, Johnny Evil is continuing his campaign against Nowtedge. Well...looks like I'll be here a while!

there is laughter and cheers from the crowd

SMM: Now, doubtless there are some of you who will say that tonight I am doomed when I step into the cell with Hulk, Darth and Two-Ton Tommy later tonight. Certainly, Rosalita has been in a state of considerable distress over this turn of events

We see Rosalita say something to Spandex Monkey Man. We can't hear, but it's plain from her expression that she's pleading with him to not go into the cell. Spandex is understanding, but ignores her

SMM: No, Rosalita, I must do this! It's my duty, and besides, it's only three men!

More cheers, though Rosalita is plainly not calmed by these words

SMM: And, to prove that I'll be here next week, I'm entering the Tag Team rumble next week!

Marcum: How is he supposed to do that! Spandex Monkey Man doesn't have a tag partner!

Monroe: I really hate to agree with you, Marcum, but you're right. Maybe he's gonna tag with Rosalita?

SMM: Now, I'd like to introduce you to my partner! He's a new wrestler in these parts, so be sure to treat him with respect!

Spandex lower the mic, and waits

Boris The Spider plays, and Tommy Savitz comes down the ramp. The crowd are shocked that this very serious looking person could be tagging with Spandex. As he gets into the ring, Tommy suddenly grabs Spandex and Irish Whips him into the ropes. Spandex merely leaps up onto them and backflips onto Tommy's shoulders. Tommy hoists Spandex alofts, and the crowd cheer, realising what's going on

SMM: Yep, this is him!

Spandex hands the mic to Tommy, and flips himself back down to the mat

Tommy: I am very pleased to be in the RDCW, and very pleased to be tagging with this man!

the pair stand in the ring, acknowledging the crowd's cheers. Then, as Pinball Wizard plays, They and Rosalita make ther way backstage, pausign to shake hands and sign autographs.

*In the backstage area, King Snarf Rules is interviewing the NEW Bastardo Family.

KSR: "Louie, what are you doing to get these men ready for their match against the Legbreakererses?"

"Well, you see, I don't have to do much to get these men ready. Look at them! You have King Snarf, the greatest RDCW World Champ ever!"

*Snarf stoically raises his head up, while presenting the belt.

"And then you have Joe Mama, the two-time IC Champ!"

*JM pats the belt on his shoulder while holding up two fingers.

"So to answer your question, I don't have to do much to get these men ready. My role in this instance is to facilitate communication between them during their match, so they can concentrate on annihilating their opponets. Grace here. . ."

*Grace walks up and opens up her laptop computer.

"Has compiled a list of information on every competitor in the RDCW. Strengths, weaknesses, history. All of it! All at our fingertips."

KSR: "What about what we just saw from Los Monstrous Azules and their possible new manager?"

"Let me tell you something about Los Blue Man Group. I brought them into the Family on the recommendation of a certain former member who assured me they would be able to get the job done. Well, they not only didn't get the job done, they failed miserably! So Los Blue Men, I want you to know, I've been looking into your past. . .and I've come up with a little. . .or should I say a BIG surprise for you two morons."

KSR: "Wow! What about the challenge from Chris Oakley earlier tonight for you to face him one on one in a steel cage match?"

*Laughs. "He wants to face me in a steel cage??? Sure. . .I'll face him in the cage. . .but only with the stipulation that Chris Oakley must have both hands tied behind his back!!!"

KSR: "One last thing, what about "Slick" Bill Williams and his promise to run the Bastardo Family out of business?"

"The only thing "Slick Willie" knows how to run out of business is a Texas oil company! He likes to present himself as a self made man, but the truth is he's a trust fund baby with no practical real world experience. Willie, you want to pit your boys against the Bastardos, you're gonna put them into a world of hurt. Let's go, boys, we've got a match."

KSR: "There you heard it, straight from Louie himself! Back to you Mouth!"

PJP is now 2-0 since returning

Good,how bout writing an actual promo then!

Charlie vs Backwards7

The match started badly for Charlie, as Backwards7 immediately hit him with a punishing series of punches and chops before locking him in a Hackney Chin Grip, with his manager Brian Owlmouth looking on from outside the ring. However Charlie proved that his already notorious toughness had not derserted him as he refused to tap out, despite being dragged around the ring and eventually being slammed into the turnbuckle. However Charlie was able to regather his focus and came back roaring, hitting the london brawler with a Zeitgeist before attempting a pin. Unsuprisingly, Backwards7 kicked out on 1.

The match continued in this vein, with Charlie taking heavy punishment but failing to really respond in kind. Eventually he hit a neat Kapitalizm and attempted to go for a pin, but Owlmouth entered the ring and distracted the ref long enough for Backwards7 to kick out. This so enraged Charlie that he chased Brian out of the ring, following him to ringside and hitting the manager with a Kapitalizm and Big Business before re-entering the ring, where he locked Backwards7 in a Standing Crossface. However, Bakcwards7 broke the hold with a Hastings Slip, sending Charlie tumbling to the mat in obvious pain. Backwards7 then went for a pin, and it looked like victory might be his.

However, Howler came charging down from backstage, entering the ring and distracting the referee just as he hit 2. Howler hit the ref with a Big Business, knocking him out, before breaking up the pin. He then hit Backwards7 with The Rage, setting him up for The Full Moon. An exhausted Charlie then staggered to his feet and attempted a pin, but the ref was still out and couldn't count the pin.

Highwayman followed his tag partner down to the ring, climbing into the ring and motioning for Charlie to stop the pin. He and Howler then hit Backwards7 with a Hostile Takeover, clearly knocking Backwards7 out like a light. Charlie then locked another pin, whilst Highwayman beat the ref's hand on the mat three times for the pin, and victory.

PJP vs Balls Nasty

PJP was already in the ring when "Bad Company" started to play. Balls Nasty marched to the ring with a horrible grin on his face. The bell had barely sounded when Balls Nasty forced a collar-and-elbow tie-up with his opponent. That was the extent of the technical wrestling in this match. Balls Nasty turned the lock-up into a headlock and a blatant choke hold. The ref started to count, but Balls Nasty broke the hold at four, then Irish whipped PJP into the rope. As PJP ricocheted, Ball Nasty slammed PJP to the ground with an obviously illegal clothesline, adding extra force as the srm slammed into PJP's neck. Balls Nasty continued doing damage to his opponent's throat by using the bottom rope to choke out PJP. The ref warned Balls Nasty that he was in danger of being disqualified, by was shoved aside by the wrestler, who used his Tavernsmasher to set up for the Kentucky Falls across PJP's throat again. The ref disqualified Balls Nasty, awarding the match to PJP.

But Balls Nasty wasn't done. Screaming, "I want Grimmonowski!", Balls Nasty continued the assault on the obviosly injured PJP. Three Camera Cuts and a solid minute of being choked out only worsened PJP's condition. EMTs and Security rushed to the ring. Security finally pulled Balls Nasty off PJP and the EMTs were able to administer some first-aid but, bu that time, PJP was coughing up blood and had to be rushed to the hospital. As Security dragged Balls Nasty away from the ring (and, eventually, out of the arena), he kept calling out, "That was for YOU, Larry! I want you to remember who's coming for you, Larry!!!" Finally, order was restored to the Cheese-Dome.

PenWing/Meeko vs. The Crotch/King Snarf Rules - Hair vs. Hair Intergender Tag Match

The Crotch and King Snarf Rules are already in the ring when "Strike It Up" plays over the loudspeakers. Meeko, holding the Women's Boobie Belt, and PenWing, holding a Sherwood and the Hardcore Porn Belt, make there way to the ring. PenWing holds the ropes for Meeko, but as soon as she gets in, The Crotch runs up to her, grabbing her arm and Irish Whipping her into the corner. At the same time, KSR runs into PenWing, knocking him off the ring apron and onto the floor. Snarf quickly goes to his corner, and the ref singals for the bell.

The Crotch delivers some chops to Meeko, yelling at her that she's had this coming for some time. He then climbs up to diliver some punches to her head. PenWing tries to enter the ring, distracting the ref while Meeko delivers a low blow to The Crotch and pushes him to the mat.

Marcum: She can't do that!

Monroe: She can, and she did!

Meeko takes a moment to recover, as The Crotch slowly gets back to his feet. Meeko slaps The Crotch across the face. The Crotch says something to her. Meeko wraps her arms around him and delivers a belly-to-belly Meeko-Plex. She then switches positions, and delivers a series of belly-to-back Meeko-Plexes. As she goes for the cover, KSR jumps into the ring. Before he can get to Meeko, PenWing climbs the ropes in the corner and leaps across the ring to deliver a flying spear. Realizing that she can't get the pin, Meeko grabs The Crotch's legs for a Meeko-Lock, as PenWing puts KSR into the Sharpshooter. The Crotch and KSR simultaniously tap out, and the ref calls the match.

Monroe: It's over! The Crotch and KSR will have their heads shaved!

Marcum: That's fucked up! That ain't right!

Monroe: If The Doctor says it's right, then it's right!

As "Strike It Up" starts up again, two barber's chairs are brought out into the ring area. King Snarf Rules and The Crotch go pale in horror when they remember what's in store for them and actually try to escape, only to be grabbed by PenWing, Meeko, and members of Security. They are physically dragged to the chairs, forced to sit, and then are strapped in. King Snarf Rules is visibly pissed off, but is also the calmer of the two - he allows himself to be shaved by one of the barbers while The Crotch contines to struggle and scream at his barber, his opponents, and the crowd. Finally, both interviewers are shaved bald. Talcum powder is applied and the pair are set free. King Snarf Rules tries to maintain his dignity, choosing to ignore the taunts of the crowd. The Crotch, on the other hand, is trying to cover his head as he bolts up the ramp amis the laughter of the crowd.

"Triple Threat Hardcore Hell-In-A-Cell" Match

The match was indisputably one of the most exciting the RDCW had ever seen, with all four wrestlers handing in thrilling performances that did them proud.

Tommy was the first to come down into the ring, followed by Darth. Spandex Monkey Man followed them down unaccompanied. Then Hulk arrived, starting the match before the cell was even lowered as he grabbed Tommy and flung him over the top rope. As the cell came down, Hulk then turned on Darth and hit him with a thunderous spinebuster. Spandex climbed the ropes and attempted a Flying Banana Chop, but Hulk reversed this into a Fall Away Slam.

Outside the ring but inside the cage, Tommy pulled Darth out of the ring and attempted to hit him with a Diving Powerbomb, but Darth reversed this into a shoulder back toss before climbing back into the ring to go after Spandex Monkey Man, who was attempting to bring down Hulk. Darth grabbed Hulk, but all he got for his pains was rammed into the turnbuckle, whilst Hulk continued to focus on the RDCW superhero.

Spandex dodged Hulk and hit Darth with a Spandex Superkick before going for the pin. However Tommy re-entered the ring and broke the pin up. Unfortunately Hulk grabbed him and administered a release German Suplex before locking Spandex in the Hulk Grip (Bear Hug). Spandex writhed in pain, but Tommy and Darth, working together, hit Hulk with a double low blow. However, Darth then turned on Tommy and nailed with a Sabre Slam before turning back to Hulk, only to be on the end of a Hulk Smash (Lou Thesz Press). Hulk then picked the Sith Lord up and threw him out of the ring.

However, Spandex Monkey Man had used this opportunity to grab a hockey stick that was suspended over the ring, and hit Hulk over the back of the head with it. Tommy had also grabbed a pair of brass knuckles, and the pair briefly worked together on taking out Hulk, eventually hitting him with a double spear to take him down. Darth then returned to the ring armed with a kendo stick, which he broke across Tommy's back, stunning Nurkio's bodyguard and setting him up for a Sith Spawn. Darth then turned to Spandex, only to find himself on the wrong end of a Flying Banana Chop. Spandex then used this to set up a pin, and despite Darth's furious struggle Spandex managed to keep him on the ground for the three count to win the match.

Legbreakers 4 Hire vs Joe Mama & King Snarf

The RDCW's mercenaries were already in the ring when "Faded" blasted over the speakers. As the crowd booed, King Snarf and Joe Mama made their way to the ring with Louie Bastardo and Grace between them. The Bastardo Family entered the ring and paused to give the Legbreakers a mocking glare before moving to their corner. Louie shouted instructions to the former enemies, then left the ring to stand with Grace, a concerned look pasted on his face. The two champions continued their discussion, then King Snarf stepped out of the ring and Joe Mama started the match against Stupid Dogg.

Monroe: It looks like there's some tension in the Bastardo Family, Marcum!

Madman: No way, Monroe! Louie was just going over strategy with this new tag team! They're on the same page...

Monroe: Judging by the look on Louie Bastardo's face, that may not be the case!

Joe Mama took the early advantage, throwing several closed fists at Stupid Dogg's head. The ref immediately got involved, warning Joe Mama that his actions would cost him the match for his team. Joe patted the ref on the shoulder and then, seeing Stupid Dogg trying to get to his corner, chop blocked the back of his opponent's knees. Joe dragged the fallen Legbreaker to his corner and tagged King Snarf in.

King Snarf continued the punishment, using boots to the gut and chops to press the advantage. He executed a Bastard Bomb for a pin, but Winged Creature was able to break it up. As the ref moved the Legbreaker back to his corner, Joe Mama entered the ring and the pair started to bludgeon Stupid Dogg. The ref turned in time to see the double-team and yelled to Joe Mama to get out of the bring. But, before the ref could force him back to his corner, Joe Mama rolled out of the ring.

Madman: See, Monroe? Good double-team, and Joe Mama had the sens eto get out of the ring before the ref could be distracted further. Winged Creature has no chance to get involved!

Monroe: A good strategy, I'll admit. But who gets the glory associated with the pin?

As King Snarf continued to beat on Stupid Dogg, Joe Mama ran around the ring, conferred quickly with Louie, and ran to the Legbreakers' corner. Louie jumped to the ring apron to distract the ref as Joe Mama pulled Winged Creature off the ring apron and onto the floor. As Joe Mama and Winged Creature traded blows, Louie went back to the floor and King Snarf continued to press the advantage. A low blow set Winged Creature up for an East Coast Hammer on the ramp. King Snarf executed a Wildsault. Joe Mama locked Winged Creature in a Torture Rack and carried him to ringside as King Snarf locked in his devastating headlock. From the outside, Joe screamed to his partner, "Pick up his head! Let him see his partner" King Snarf adjusted the headlock as both Legbreajers tapped out.

"When It All Goes Wrong Again" started up as Joe Mama re-entered the ring. King Snarf threw Stupid Dogg out of the ring as Louie ran into the ring, mic in hand. The two champions stood facing each other as the ref raised their hands in victory. Then Joe Mama stuck his right hand out to be shaken. King Snarf paused to consider it, then took the hand, saying something as he did so. Then, as the pair spoke to Grace, Louie addressed the crowd.

Louie: You see what happens when two great wrestlers put aside their differences and work towards a common goal? You see how dominant two great wrestlers can be when they set aside their egos and listen to their manager? Were you paying attention, James? Are you taking notes, Chris? This could have been you! You could be sharing in the celebration! But you didn't want to listen and now you, and your loser friends, are left behind! Run to that Trust Fund Baby, "Shit Willie", or accept life as a jobber! Leave the titles to true excellence!

King Snarf and Joe Mama turn, talking to each other and nodding. Joe Mama takes the mic.

JM: There are a few people out there who have chosen to shoot their mouths off about the Bastardo Family! It seems that Jim-Bob Flame-boy thinks he's bigger than the Bastardos! And Spandex Monkey Man decided to throw my name out there, hoping to cash in on my name to further his own career! You guys run your mouths and think that there'll be no consequences! And we know that someone had to hire the Legbreakers to try to take us out - they're not smart enough to act on their own! So it seems like we've gotta go and teach you nobodies that you don't step to the Bastardo Family!

He hands the mic to King Snarf...

King Snarf: We figure, since the current champs want to give away the belts and so many of you want to get schooled so bad, we'll make everyone happy! Next week, my partner and I will be entering the Tag Team Tournament! Get ready, chumps, 'cause we're looking to hurt a LOT of people!!!

King Snarf slams the mic onto the mat and the Bastardo Family leaves the ring, laughing to each other the whole way.

Monroe: Big words from the Bastardos! But can they execute their plan and win the Tag Titles?

Madman: They don't care about the belts! They just want to slap around everyone who said something about them! I wouldn't want to be Spandex Monkey Man or a former Bastardo right about now!

Camera fades as the Bastardo Family leaves the ring area...