RKMBs Forums .::Important::. RDCW Tuesday Night Havoc 2/22/05

Lightweight #1 Contenders Match single choice

Charlie (41%, 7 Votes)

James Fantastic (59%, 10 Votes)

Total Votes: 17 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 9:54 PM

Tag Division Match single choice

Legbreakererses 4 Hire (89%, 16 Votes)

Team GOP (11%, 2 Votes)

Total Votes: 18 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 9:54 PM

Tag Team Mini Rumble for #1 Contender single choice

Princes of the Universe (11%, 2 Votes)

Dark Lords (21%, 4 Votes)

RDJL (5%, 1 Votes)

Howlerama (0%, 0 Votes)

Los Monstrous Azules (5%, 1 Votes)

Captain Sammitch/PenWing (11%, 2 Votes)

Chris Oakley/James Fantastic (16%, 3 Votes)

King Snarf/Joe Mama (32%, 6 Votes)

Total Votes: 19 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 9:54 PM

Hotties Match single choice

Nuriko (65%, 11 Votes)

Rosalita, the Human Lovebomb (35%, 6 Votes)

Total Votes: 17 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 9:54 PM

EuroTrash #1 Contender Elimination Match single choice

Rex (11%, 2 Votes)

Nowhereman (68%, 13 Votes)

backwards7 (16%, 3 Votes)

Chewy Walrus (5%, 1 Votes)

Total Votes: 19 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 9:54 PM

Hotties Match single choice

Sneaky Bunny (79%, 15 Votes)

Butterrican (21%, 4 Votes)

Total Votes: 19 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 9:54 PM

Cage Match single choice

Chris Oakley (both hands behind his back) (56%, 10 Votes)

Louie Bastardo (44%, 8 Votes)

Total Votes: 18 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 9:54 PM

Joe Mama is shown sitting on one of the beanbags at the RHCP set, twiddling his thumbs. Son of Mxy is nowhere to be seen. Joe looks like he's about to stand up and leave when the Cheese-O-Tron starts to show a live feed of Son Of Mxy "at the hospital".



SoM: Hello, Ol' Buddy Ol' Chum, how's it going?

JM: I'm fine, thank you. How about you? Aren't you supposed to be here in person, to interview and perhaps congratulate me on my excellent career choice. *grins*

SoM: Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm not there because I'm CURRENTLY AT THE HOSPITAL RECOVERING FROM THE INJURIES I SUFFERED AT THE HANDS OF GRIMM.

JM: What the hell are you talking about?

JM: ...Grimm just threw you over the top rope. I don't think you'll suffer anything but a broken ego from that.

JM: Second, you're not at the hospital. I know that place. That's the karaoke bar right beside the cheesedome.

SoM: Yeah, well fuck you, This is my hospital. Music heals my wounded soul.

JM: Whatever you say, buddy.

SoM: Actually, this brings me to the crux of this interview with myself.

JM: I thought I'm supposed to be the interviewee?

SoM: No. You're Joe Mama and I'm Mxy!

JM: LAWL!

SoM: Okay, I don't want to waste anymore time since there's a Chikako Shiratori song waiting for me and I'm in the mood to bust out some j-pop rhymes...so I'll go straight to my point - The rules say that in order to be eliminated from the rumble, BOTH feet should touch the ground.

JM: Yes, everybody knows that.

SoM: Yet I body surfed through the crowd. My lean, sexy, asian body was carried by the fans all over the cheesedome, my feet never touching anything but air, until I was taken out of the arena and dumped head-first into an open dumpster, with my feet still in the air.

SoM: I never got out of the dumpster until the next morning.

SoM: Case in point, my feet only acquainted themselves with the cement at least a few hours after Penwis' have touched the ground. I SHOULD be the number one contender.

SoM: But since I'm a nice guy, I'm willing to share so I propose that we just make it a triple threat match against that guy with a name that sounds like the male genitalia. Penwicker.

JM: Penwing.

SoM: Yes. Pendick. Of course, neither of us can make matches so I can't just jump into the void and shout "Let there be light!"

JM: That much is true.

SoM: Got any ideas?

JM: How about you gatecrash the contract signing, hit Penboner with the Subject-Verb Agreement and then sign your name on his contract?

SoM: That sounds insane. Will it work?

JM: I'm not sure, but last month I gatecrashed the Mantrade hall while the contract signing for the Pizza Hut-Shakey's merger is going on, powerbombed everybody through the table and signed my name on the contracts. Now I own both companies.

SoM: very awesome.

SoM: I don't know, maybe I'll just go straight to the management and plead my case.

JM: Try to sing them into submission.

SoM: Yeah, I doubt that they'll be able to refuse after I sing them a song about growing up as an orphan in the mean streets of Nagoya.

JM: Good luck then, and I'll be seeing you at our title match.

JM: Good luck to you too on your wonderful career as a pizza mogul.

Wolfgang's "No Falter" blares through the speakers before going to a commercial.

Backstage, Tommy and Spandex are getting ready for the tag team rumble. Tommy is psyching himself up, whilst Spamm is eating a bunch of bananas, skins and all. Tommy favours him with a long look

SMM: It's the whole monkey thing, remember? After all, the name's Spandex Monkey Man, y'know.

Tommy: Monkeys take the skins off to eat them

Without even batting an eyelid Spandex Monkey Man spits out the skins and continues eating the banana. Tommy rolls his eyes and starts practicing his holds on a flexible dummy

SMM: I never get why you do that. Usually when I'm in the ring I just fling myself at the enemy and don't really care about personal safety and the like.

Tommy gives him another look, and Spandex shrugs and removes his mask. Underneath it is another mask. Tommy raises an eyebrow

SMM: Hey, if I ever took off my mask properly I wouldn't have a secret identity, would I?

Tommy: I just thought you were eccentric like that.

SMM: Well, I am, but at least there's a good reason behind it this time.

Tommy sighs, and heads out of the locker room

SMM: Hey, where are you going? The match isn't until after the tag match!

Tommy: The in-ring, remember?

SMM: Knew I'd forgotten something.

Tommy sighs, and the pair head out to the ring

As the crowd cheers, Spandex's entrance theme kicks in and he and Tommy make their way to the ring. Visible high up in the cheesedome is a huge sign bearing the moniker 'SPANDEX MONKEY MAN!!'. Spandex is gleefully dancing along to his entrance music, whilst Tommy merely strides along and maintains a slightly amused expression at his tap partner's behaviour. As the pair step into the ring, the cheering then peaks then slackens off. Tommy grabs a mic and speaks

TS: The RDCW has never seen darker days...

SMM: What about the RwO?

TS: Alright, alright, maybe the RDCW HAS seen a darker day...

SMM: Or when the Liver and Kidneys captured the tag title in '92?

TS: Yes, yes, that too...

SMM: And there was that time back in the 80s when Big Fat Mama became the Big Cheese champ and attempted to get it on with Handsome Hal Blaine.

TS: ALRIGHT! The RDCW has seen much darker days. Do you mind? I'm trying to do a promo here.

SMM: Just trying to be helpful. Carry on, don't mind me.

TS: That's better. *Ahem* The RDCW has actually seen much darker days than this, but that doesn't mean that these are not troubled times. The Bastardo Family continue in their reign of terror, and Joe Mama has betrayed all he stood for by joining their ranks.

SMM: Actually, him and Snarf pretty much ARE their ranks.

TS: I know that, you imbecile! Will you let me finish?

SMM: Yes, yes. Don't worry, my fault entirely.

TS: As well as the threat of The Bastardo's, The Company have emerged, determined to attack all around them.

SMM: And nobody know WHAT the hell's going on with Nowhereman.

TS: Do they ever? Lastly, evil has come to the RDCW in the form of Johnny Evil. And it's time...for justice.

SMM: Ooh, that was good. I especially like pause.

TS: Thanks, I thought it worked. To the crowd Myself and Spandex Monkey Man have assembled some of the RDCW's finest, well sort of, to form the Rob's Damn Justice League!

SMM: Evil-doers beware!

TS: Our first member is big, loud, and he's got a big club! Put your hands together for Captain Caveman, URG!

As the theme to the old 'Captain Caveman' show plays, URG comes stomping down to the ring, accompanied by three buxom young ladies in skimpy angel costumes

TS: I'm guessing the girls were your idea?

SMM: They're the teen angels! I saw the cartoon!

TS: *sigh* Our next member is a positive Titan of Terror. He's the big, green, mean machine! Ladies and Gentlemen, the Hulk!

Hulk comes roaring down to the ring, hollering HULK SMASH PUNY EVIL-DOERS!

TS: Man, that is scary!

SMM: I know. cool ain't it?

TS: Finally, we have the second most heroic tag team in the RDCW! One's indestructible, and you wouldn't want to see his brother in a hardcore match!

SMM: Ladies and Gentlemean, Punch and Counterpunch!

Bibbo and I-Man come down the ramp, and the crowd cheers as the RDJL are assmbled in the ring, striking triumphant and heroic poses. SMM then takes the mic and speaks

SMM: There will also be a new member, but he will be a little while in coming!

TS: What? You never told me about this new guy.

SMM: Really? could've sworn I did.

A camera goes to the parking lot & we see a black 1970s bullnose Pontiac Firebird. The windows are blacked out

Monroe:"Who's that? I cant say I have ever seen that car before!"

Marcum:"How should I know?"

The passenger door opens & out steps Nowhereman. He holds the door & starts speaking to the driver but he blocks the camera from seeing into the car

NM:"Look,I appreciate the ride in seeing as my bike is in the garage for repairs,but I still aint interested in forming a tag team!"

Voice:"Look,it makes sense,its only natural we work together!"

NM:"Why is it? Just because we have had a history of sorts,does not mean I wanna return to the tag division!"

Voice:"Thats what I dont understand,you keep saying you aint interested in the tag championship or any other for that matter,but once again you are in a contenders match for a belt!"

NM:"That aint my idea,I think thedoctor is doing it on purpose cause he knows it'll interfere with my current agenda!"

Voice:"He has no idea what your agenda is,but he knows it aint gonna be good for him!"

NM:"Heh,I like to keep him guessing!"

Voice:"So,c'mon man,you gotta think about my offer!"

Monroe:"Who the hell is that? I dont recognise the voice!"

Marcum:"Neither do I,so theres no way I owe him any money,which is always good!"

NM:"I aint gonna say it again Cap,the answer is no!"

He slams the door shut & walks away

Marcum:"Did you hear that? He said Cap!"

Monroe:"Well that narrows things down a bit,but the only Caps I can think of are Sammich & Captain Of Outer Space!"

Marcum:"Who says its short for Captain? Maybe its short for Caprice!"

Monroe:"Did that sound like the voice of someone called Caprice?"

Marcum:"Well I've known a few girls with deep voices.........I must admit the Adams apples worry me though!"

Pinball Wizard plays once again, and Spamm and Tommy walk down the ramp. At one point Spandex appears to fly part of the way, but a kirby wire keeping him suspended from the ceiling can be spotted. Tommy rolls his eyes, and the pair climb into the ring

TS: Are you quite finished?

SMM: Oh absolutely. SPANDEX MONKEY MAN!!!

Tommy gives him a look

SMM: What?

TS: Oh never mind. Ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight you saw the formation of RDJL, and the revelation that Spandex Monkey Man had also signed another new member...

SMM: Look, I'm sure I'm told you about it...

TS: You didn't, but we'll let that slide for now. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce...Shinobi Spade!

*The camera shows a beautiful, scantily clad red haired woman.*

Ariel: Hello, I'm Ariel and I have the pleasure of interviewing my favorite wrestler in all of RDCW, and his tag team partner the Captain of Outer Space.

*The shot widens, showing Nw and Cap in their locker room.*

Cap: I can't believe you hired your girlfriend to interview us.

Nw: Shut up, Cap.

Ariel: So, tonight is the big Tag Team Mini Rumble. How do you feel going into this?

Cap: Well, the lottery match didn't go quite as well as...

*Nw bursts out laughing.*

Nw: You lost to Spandex Monkey Man! I can't believe it!

Cap: It isn't funny. He's one of the best up and coming wrestlers in RDCW.

Nw: You lost to a guy who dresses like a monkey!

*Nw can't stop laughing.*

Nw: It's not even a good monkey suit! I'm sorry. I'll stop now. I think we'll do well tonight. And really, this is just the prelude to the match at No Way Out of the Closet.

Ariel: Can you let us know anything about it?

Nw: I don't want to spill the just yet, but it's gonna be big. Bigger than a battle! Bigger than a war! It's going to be some sort of...Battlewar!

Ariel: Well, you heard it here first, No Way Out of the Closet will be the location of a Battlewar. Whatever the hell that means. Back to you.

*The announcers are shown at their table.*

Monroe: Well, whatever this Battlewar Notwedge is promising turns out to be, it sounds like it will be big.

Marcum: Why would a woman like that date Notwedge?

Monroe: Uhm, we'll be right back.

*The Doctor is pouring himself a cup of coffee when Louie Bastardo appears.*

Louie: I want to congradulate you on making the fine executive decisions you have concerning Chris Oakely. Not only does he have to prove himself in the Bastardo Elimination Chamber, but he gets his match with me tonight... with both hands cuffed behind his back.

The Doctor: You like that, huh?

*Louie nods with a smile on his face.*

Even if it means getting Chris even more pissed at you before the your match at NWOOTC?

*Louie stops smiling.*

Louie: What do you mean my match? I'm not a wrestler. I don't belong in the ring.

The Doctor: Well, I did say the Bastardo Family. You, being the leader, are a member. With you coming to me last week and asking for the handcuff stipulation in your match tonight, I only thought it fair to include you in another match since you obviously don't mind getting in the ring.

Louie: Yeah, well, I ain't got nuthin' to be afraid of. Joe and Snarf are going to tear that loser Chris limb from limb before he can get to me.

The Doctor: If you're lucky enough for them to go first. Remember that the chambers will be opened randomly. Have a good match.

*The Doctor walks off as Louie waits for some brilliant plan to come to him.*

*Louie reaches into his pocket for a moment and pulls out his cellphone. He dials a number. The phone rings. He looks around the backstage area, slightly nervously.

"Hello? Yes, it's me. Have you considered my offer? You have. . .what did you decide on?"

*Camera fades out as Louie starts walking down the hallway.

"Turning Japanese" plays and Nuriko, dressed in a kamikaze pilot's outfit, steps into the ring.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, I have decided to stop playing nice. I am out to destroy Rosalita tonight!

Mixed cheers and boos. Someone holds up a "ROSALITA IS HOTT!" sign.

And once she's out of my way, Grace is next, and it won't be pretty! Grace, you will know the meaning of the word pain when I'm through with you!

Since I've left the Bastardo Family, I've been in negociations with another manager. I can't tell you who it is right now, but soon the RDCW will tremble at our might!

Two-ton Tommy steps into the ring and takes her jacket.

I wish to take the Women's title, but first comes revenge! Grace, I would watch your back if I were you! If you're not too busy servicing your boss, that is!

As the crowd reacts, "Turning Japanese" plays again and Nuriko and Tommy exit.

"Headstrong" by Trapt suddenly blasts out of the loudspeakers

Shinobi Spade silently walks into the arena, seemingly oblivious to the cheers and booing from the crowd. He just stands there sneering confidently. He then adopts a fighting stance, and says just two words with an icy metallic voice.

"I'm ready."

The lights dim, the arena monitor lights up. Wednesday, dressed in an impeccably assembled purple tux, is being interviewed by the ever-boobacious Chesty Lerou...

Chesty Lerou: I'm standing backstage with former Hardcore Porn Champion, Wednesday. Wednesday, last week you earned a rematch with PenWing, and a chance to win back the Hardcore Porn Title. Can you tell us what this means to you?

Wednesday: What does it mean? It means another chance to give another Seven-Day ass whippin', is what it means. Thanks for the stupid question.

Aren't you single?

Chesty Lerou: Yes, but in the match last week, you went up against some the RDCW's finest wrestlers. To win your title shot, you had to defeat Nowhereman. What was it like taking on a wrestler of his caliber?

Wednesday: A little boring, actually. Usually, I wouldn't lower myself to give a wrestler of Noone'swoman caliber the time of day, but a man's gotta do...

And speakin' of what a man's gotta do, that shirt button looks like it's about to come loose. Here...

*SPRING!!!*

Chesty Lerou: Mr. Wednesday!

Wednesday: I'm just helping you out, Ms. Big'ns. I am a true gentleman, after all.

Chesty Lerou: If you say so. Were you at all worried when PenWing destroyed the final table?

Wednesday: Did I look worried? I'm Wednesday, woman. Seven days!

Another silly question, Ms. Big'ns. That's another button for you.

Chesty Lerou: I think I better wrap this up. As the winner of the Table Royal, you get to name the type of match you will face PenWing next week at No Way Out of the Closet. Have you made your decision?

Wednesday: Oh! Another button!

Chesty Lerou: Well, I think we're done with the interview, Wednesday. It sounds like we're going to see a very exciting match.

Wednesday: A match? Is that what you call it? Oh wait, you mean the wrestling.

Fade to black. The crowd cheers...of course.

*Johnny Evil makes his entrance to the boos of the crowd.*

Before I get to my main subject, I want to do something that may seem a little out of character. You see, someone here in RDCW has done me a great service, and I'd like to thank him. Spandex Monkey Man...

*The crowd cheers and Johnny Evil pulls out his remote control.*

I have a John Tesh CD and i'm not afraid to use it.

*The crowd is silenced.*

That's better. As I was saying, I'd like to thank Spandex Money Man for sticking his damn nose where is doesn't belong. You should have just stood back and let me attack the Captain of Outer Space, but no. You had to play the hero. But really, you did me a favor. You see, I've been having a hard time deciding who will be my first target after I've destroyed Notwedge. Thank you for making that decision easier. Now, onto Notwedge...

*The crowd cheers again.*

You know what, Tesh music just doesn't seem evil enough right now. This situation seems to call for...mimes.

*The crowd shrieks in terror as mimes fill the arena.*

You asked for it. You see, I'm done playing around. No more messages, no more drawing out the suffering, no more circling my prey. I promise you will see the end of the Princes of the Universe and of Notwedge at No Way Out of the Closet. When the dust clears after the BattleWar, I will stand triumphant and Notwedge will be nothing but a memory.

*Johnny Evil makes his way out.*

Monroe: Johnny Evil isn't going to be in the BattleWar. How can he win it?

Marcum: He isn't talking about winning want it. He just wants to take Notwedge out! And speaking of taking notwedge out, how did Notwedge get a girlfriend who looks like that? Really. I want to know.

Monroe: What I want to know is how we're going to get rid of all these mimes.

*Bad Company blares over the speakers as Balls Nasty steps down the ramp. He grabs a mime on his way to the ring.*

Little Grimm, I can't help but notice that you've suddenly become a Tag Team belt contender since I've appeared here in the Cheesedome. What is it you're running from? Is it your past? Or is it your future?

* The mime is struggling to get away, but Nasty has him by the throat. The mime tries signalling to his friends to help him. They are more than hesitant.*

You can't hide from me forever. You can keep putting other wrestlers between us to hide behind. One day, Little Grimm, you're going to have to face me like a man. One on one.

*Nasty applies a sleeper hold on the mime.*

And on that day, you and all your fans are going to watch as your carreer just wastes away. Slowly fading away from sight and memory.

*He releases the unconcious mime. The clown crumples to the mat.*

The monster of the RDCW will be slain; and I, the noble warrior, will claim my rightful honor. So bring it, Grimmonowski. A life in obscurity awaits you.

"Faded" blasts over the speakers as Joe Mama walks down the ramp, ignoring the mimes as he goes. Madman Marcum tosses a mic to him and he enters the ring.

JM: I'm not here to discuss the former Bastardo members. I've said all that needs to be said about that collection of zeroes. I've got some business to take care of. And, as for the mimes, I can ignore them. Toughen up and do the same.

There are some people who continue to run their mouths about the Bastardo Family in general, and myself in particular. Maybe they didn't see my match against Senor Please-stop-hurting-me. Maybe they don't think I'll handle them in the same way. So consider this your official "heads-up"...

Spandex Monkey Man, I don't know who you THINK you are. And I don't know who you THINK I am. So let me introduce myself to you. I am the man who destroyed the RwO. I have held the Tag Team titles, the Eurotrash title, and am in the middle of my SECOND reign as Inter-Cunt-Inental Champion. I have beaten Heavyweight Champions, competed admirably in several hardcore-style matches, and am responsible for creating an RDCW that you can compete in! I am the reason that wrestlers like you, Tommy Savitz, and the rest can get out of their piddlin' regional promotions and wrestle with the big boys! I just assume have you say "Thank you, Champ" and be on your merry little way. The fact that you have the nerve to say ANYTHING about me or the Family offends me. So I suggest you tuck your little cape between your legs and move along. Watch your mouth, or you will need to watch your back!

And now, onto PenWing. Man, I don't understand you. If I wanted some inaccurate knee-jerk psychology, I'd call Dr. Phil. No, wait...you tag with him! My question for you is this: Why you hatin'? Did I do something to you? Have I spoken ill of you? Have I cost you, or Sammitch, or Meeko, or Sneaky Bunny a match? What's your problem with me?

Lemme guess: you don't like that everything I've said to Sneaky Bunny is dead-on accurate. It drives you nuts that I'm exposing you and your team as a bunch of hypocrites! It terrifies you that someone could see the potential for greatness that Sneaky Bunny has so you run around, yapping about "jealousy" and how close you all are and how you'd "never turn your back on your friends". But, if you're so supportive, why has Sneaky Bunny always fought her solo matches without any of you in her corner, while Meeko gets at least one of the boys watching her back? Why, if Meeko's so generous, does Sneaky Bunny have to ask for a title shot instead of being OFFERED one? Why is it only now - now that I'm openly trying to recruit her - that she even appears alongside one of you? And, if you're all so loyal to your friends and would NEVER turn your back on them, are you bad-mouthing me, especially when my comments about you and Sammitch have been mild - if at all - and revolve strictly around the BUSINESS of titles?

The fact is, PenWing, that YOU are the one who is jealous! You see a great offer come down to your "friend", Sneaky Bunny, and you can't handle it! You take personally what is strictly business. And you're so locked into what's best for Meeko that you ignore what may be best for Sneaky Bunny! Maybe, if your contract wasn't owned by Meeko because of a match you lost, you'd get an offer to join the Family. But you're Meeko's property. Sneaky Bunny isn't. If she wants to take me up on my offer, let her. Let business be business and stop with the personal attacks. Because it's pathetic, PenWing. And it's beneath you. And, if you don't stop mouthing off, you may find that some of us can do worse to you than Twit-Ton Tommy did.

"Faded" plays again as Joe Mama leaves the ring, tossing the mic back to Marcum. As he walks up the ramp, a mime "trapped in a box" gets in his way. Joe Mama punches the mime in the side of the head, lifts him up, and tosses him into the crowd. Then he heads up the ramp and into the back.

*The arena lights dim as the opening strains of Ghoultown's Return of the Living Dead cue up. Then red lights flare up throughout the CheeseDome as the Imperial March begins. Slowly, the Dark Lords rise up from the floor. Pulling back his hood, Grimm raises a mic.

"I'm not running from anything, Balls. In fact, I've been waiting for you to show up tonight. I've been waiting to get you all to myself. . ." Grimm punches a mime off of the rampway while Darth Sabreslams another.

"Don't be fooled by Darth's appearance here. You see, the Dark Lords are not just another tag team. This alliance serves a higher purpose, one that a lowlife piece of shit like yourself could never hope to understand." *Grimm kicks another mime in the gut and delivers a powerbomb to him.

"Darth's not here to help me. . .he's here to keep me from killing you too quickly. . .the pain I deliver unto you will be your release. . .death by Grimm. . .I am the way to oblivion. . .Abandon all hope. . ." *Grimm tosses the mic at Nasty and spears him as the two go down fighting, while Darth finishes off the last of the mimes at ringside.

*Coming back from commercial, we see Balls Nasty and Grimm still fighting in the back hallway.*

Monroe: Oh my God! These men are animals!

*Darth is holding off anyone trying to interfere. Grimm slams Nasty’s head into the wall and delivers a punch to the face. Nasty staggers but gains his senses enough to kick his boot into Grimm’s mid-section as the monster charges. Nasty grabs a broom from the corner and breaks it over Grimm’s back.*

Marcum: That’s what I’d call a clean sweep.

Monroe: Please.

Marcum: Like you could come up with any better.

*Nasty kicks Grimm to the ground and tries to push a vending machine over. Grimm rolls out of the way and sweeps Nasty’s legs. The Dark Lord ties up Nasty into a Full Nelson. Both men struggle to their feet and thrash around the hall, knocking over tables. Nasty kicks off a wall that sends both men out of a set of doors and into the Cheesedome parking lot.*

Marcum: This is great! They’re going to kill each other! Man, am I glad I got TiVo.

Monroe: We’ll have more on this if we can find a camera crew willing to stay close to it.

*Joe Mama is walking back to the Bastardo Family locker room. He's got a cocky grin on his face as he watches people try not to make eye-contact with him. As he turns a corner, he comes face-to-face with PenWing, who is walking the other way. The two don't collide, but they stop a couple feet from each other. Each man has his title belt over his shoulder.**

JM: Well, well. Speak of the Devil, and the Devil appears. How's it goin', "old pal"? I hope my comments didn't fall on deaf ears.

PW: Your comments only insult Sneaky Bunny and everything she has accomplished since she teamed with Meeko.

JM: Right...the key phrase being "since she teamed with Meeko", isn't it? It kills you that people see her as more than Meeko's partner, doesn't it? I'd expect a little more from you, PenWing.

PW: A little more from me? Joe, you shouldn't expect anything from me that you don't already see. I wear my true face out in the open. You, on the other hand...you're something else entirely. You say you were working with Louie Bastardo all along, yet you openly challenged his charter family member. You made everyone, including me, think that you were against the Bastardo Family, when in fact, you were for it. Or, were you? See, Joe, I have all figured out now. Ever since you were thrown out of the rWo, you have been afraid of losing, of failing. So what do you do? You play both sides. When side A looks like it's going to fall apart, as our coalition did when I got hurt, you jump to side B, the Bastardo Family. But, Joe, what happens when side B starts to break up? Do you join the Company? How about the RDJL? Or, maybe, you link up with the Bond Brigade? In the end, I don't care what you do. The only thing I care about is that you don't drag Sneaky down with you.

JM: Y'know, when your career is over, you should NOT think about going into psychiatry. You don't know the first thing about me, how I think, or what I'm about. You, on the other hand, are an open book: you're a hypocrite. Where were you when I was atoning for the mistakes I made while I was with the RwO? Where were you when battle lines were drawn against them? You spent so much time not standing for anything that you don't have the right to criticize me about the decisions I've made! The only reason you decided to go after the Bastardos in the first place is because you thought you had your little "coalition" to hold your hand - a coalition that died, not because you left, but because your partner didn't want to follow that plans of someone not named "Captain Sammitch"! Now your feelings are hurt because of my alliance with Louie? Toughen up, PenWing! You'll learn, just like I did, that sometimes your worst enemies are the people you call "friend". That's why I do "business" with the Family. We have clear goals and we don't let things like our "feelings" get in the way. And, as for Sneaky Bunny, I think we'll let her make her own decision. If she refuses my offer, I won't think any less of her. I just hope you'll be a better "friend" to her than you have been to me WHEN she accepts it!

PW: The only thing you've said that makes any sense is that this decision is one Sneaky will have to make on her own. I just hope she doesn't make the wrong choice. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a match to prepare for.

*PenWing leaves Joe Mama standing in the hallway as he continues on his way to his locker room. Joe gives a glance in his direction, shrugs his shoulders, and continues on his way as well.*

*An RDCW cameraman pushes open one of the doors leading to the parking lot outside the Cheesedome, where Grimm and Balls Nasty continue their fight.

Nasty irish whips Grimm into the side of a car. Grimm impacts into the vehicle as alarms go off. Nasty charges in but Grimm backdrops him onto the hood of the vehicle, which dents inward under the man's weight. Grimm climbs up onto the roof of the car and goes for an elbow drop but Nasty rolls off. Grimm's elbow slams into the hood and he rolls off, holding his arm.

Marcum: "Ahahahahahah, this is great! I'd hate to be the sucker who has to pay for that!"

Monroe: "Hey. . .isn't that your rental?"

Marcum: "WHAATTT??!!!"

Several wrestlers attempt to get at the two brawlers but Darth continues to hold them at bay with chokeslams, powerbombs, and menacing looks.

Nasty pulls a toolbox out of the back of a rusted white pickup truck and slams it over Grimm's head. Grimm falls to the ground, holding his head, now bleeding (twice in two weeks. . .)the toolbox pops open, spilling it's contents out onto the parking lot.

Nasty screams in happiness and starts to play air guitar. This is what he's lived for, the moment he's dreamed about for over ten years.

Grimm reaches around with a hand and picks up a pipewrench and smacks Nasty in the back of the head with it.

Monroe: "Fans, I apologize for this unsanctioned brutality you're seeing. Can't someone separate these two?"

Marcum: (sobbing) "My rental. . .why does this always happen to me?"

Grimm's face is a bloody mess as he notices the camera and hits a crucifix pose. He drags Nasty up onto the hood of the rusted pickup and ddt's him onto it.

Fat Retard: "POWERBOMB!!"

Grimm picks Nasty up and starts to walk to the back of the Cheesedome, towards the trash dumpsters. . .The camera man follows, as does Darth, still holding off officials and wrestlers.

I sucked Grimm's cock in a parking lot once!

Dude!

Lightweight Faggot #1 Contenders Match: Charlie vs. James Fantastic


James Fantastic rode to victory in this match, as he totally dominated Charlie to score a rematch against the man who humiliated him at the Rumble, Son of Mxy.

The pair initially seemed mismatched, as Charlie's unashamedly vicious mentality enabled him to dish a beating out to Fantastic. However, after the ref warned him over the use of closed fists, Charlie flattened the ref and continued his beating of Fantastic. At ringside, Bill Williams encouraged his protégée with applause and the occasional foreign object being thrown at fantastic.

Monroe: This is disgusting behavior! Big Business is breaking every rule in the book!

Marcum: Charlie's just being clever! He's fighting Fantastic on his own terms!

Charlie eventually dragged Fantastic to his feet and attempted to administer a Kapitalizm. However Fantastic elbowed him in the head before climbing the turnbuckle and administering the Fabacanrana. He then started to his usual pattern, knocking Charlie flat with his high-flying aerial maneuvers and in ring skill, eventually nailing a fantastic Super-Cool. However, Bill Williams entered the ring with a baseball bat, and Howlerama came down from backstage to gang up on The One and Only, and the match turned into a four-on-one handicap match as The Company pounded James Fantastic.

However, Fantastic was able to keep his resolve, eventually countering a Full Moon with a dropkick, and knocking Bill Williams out with his own baseball bat. Highwayman attempted to hit a Hi-Jack, but Fantastic dodged this and Highwayman crashed into the mat and quit the ring. This left Fantastic one-on-one with Charlie, and he instantly asserted his dominance with The Grip. Charlie refused to tap out and grabbed a rope to break the hold, but the initiative had passed to Fantastic, and he speared Charlie to the mat before climbing the turnbuckle and nailing a One-and-Only to score a pin and win the match.


Legbreakers For Hire vs Team G.O.P.

Team GOP never really stood a chance as they were attacked from behind before the bell rang. Stupid Dogg and Winged Creature were able to keep Dave The Wonder Boy out of the ring and focus their attention on the G-Man for almost the entire match, brutalizing him with a series of double-teams. Finally, the Legbreakers finished the match by Taking Out The Trash, featuring G-Man as “the trash”. Not content with the victory, Stupid Dogg and Winged Creature dragged Dave into the ring and gave him the same treatment that G-Man received.


Tag Team Mini-Rumble

Monroe: It's time for the Tag Team Mini Rumble! They'll be coming in an order determined by a drawing made earlier. The winners of last week's lottery matches have a better shot at the later slots.

Marcum: OK, enough explaining. Let's get to the severe beatings!

*Princes of the Universe plays as the Captain of Outer Space makes his entrance.*

Marcum: Ha! It looks like the champs didn't get any special treatment as far as the drawing is concerned!

Monroe: You have to remember, the Captain of Outer Space lost his lottery match to Spandex Monkey Man.

*The second to enter is Howler, but as he steps onto the ramp, he's clobbered on the back of the head. The camera pulls back to show the chair is being held by Johnny Evil!*

JE: No one's going to stop THIS message from getting through.

* Johnny Evil runs to the ring, but Cap is ready for him as he dodges two quick swings. Then, JE throws the chair toward Cap, and follows it up with a spinning hook kick, slamming the chair into Cap's face. It's unclear if Cap is conscious as Johnny Evil picks his up and hits him with Cradle To Grave and then leaves to the boos of the crowd. Howler is struggling up from the ground as Johnny Evil steps out. Just then, the timer reaches zero and the first thing through is a huge, blue boot that kicks Howler in the head, sending him sprawling once more. The owner of the boot is El Daga and he wastes no time getting to the ring and lifting up the limp form of the Captain of Outer Space over his head and then sending him crashing to the arena floor below.*

Marcum: One of the champs is the first to go!

*Howler is once again trying to get to his feet when the timer reaches zero. Things go better for him this time as the next man in is Howler's partner, Highwayman.*

Monroe: It looks like Howler is gonna get some payback with a little help from his partner!

*Howlerama puts on a coordinated attack on the bigger man, but he's too big for even the both of them to lift over the rope, then James Fantastic enters and Howlerama turns away from the beaten big man who's laying on the mat and go after the "easier" target of James Fantastic, but he proves to be more than they expected as he fights both of them off until the counter reaches zero once more and Tommy Savitz comes in.*

Marcum: It looks like someone was a little unlucky in their drawing!

Monroe: That's right, Savitz's partner, Spandex Monkey Man won his lottery match last week, but he's still among the early entrants.

*Savitz helps Fantastic fight off Howlerama and then they eliminate them at almost exactly the same time by dropkicking them over the top rope. El Daga rises slowly and ominously to his feet behind them. The timer reaches zero once more and Notwedge enters.*

Marcum: I sure don't envy NotWedge! His partner was the first to go out. He's on his own and you just know everyone in there is going to be after the champ!

*Marcum seems wrong at first, as El Daga goes after Savitz. Savitz seems completely overmatched as the huge man lifts him off the ground, but he manages to use his weight against him as Daga goes for the elimination and both men go tumbling out. Since they really don't have anything else to do, Notwedge and James Fantastic start fighting each other.*

Monroe: I expect this level of technical skill from James Fantastic, but somehow Notwedge is keeping up with him!

*The Timer reaches zero.*

Marcum: Not for much longer! Look who's here!

*James Fantastic's ally in the Bond Brigade, Senor Perdicion, is the next in. Notwedge quickly goes after Fantastic, trying to take him out of the fight before Perdicion finishes making his slow way to the ring. Notwedge Irish whips Fantastic toward Perdicion as he starts climbing in and they're both momentarily stunned. The timer reaches zero once more and...*

SPANDEX MONKEY MAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

*Spamm runs down to the ring as Notwedge fights the two Bond Brigade members. Fantastic turns around right into a Spandex Superkick that sends him to the mat, at the same time, Notwedge kicks Perdicion in the gut and, in an impressive feat of strength (for him), he hits him with the Reverse Monkey Death Drop.

Spamm: SPANDEX MONKEY MAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

*That cry directs the crowd's attention to the top rope just before Spamm takes off for the Might of the Monkey. It hits solidly, but James fantastic has recovered and he takes advantage of Spamm's weakened condition to eliminate him.

PenWing enters next and goes after the weakened Perdicion while Notwedge and Fantastic go at it once more. Perdicion fights his way back to his feet at the timer again finishes counting down and the Imperial March plays. Perdicion pushes PenWing away and Darth shoves Fantastic half way across the ting as he comes after him, then he grabs Perdicion and power bombs him.*

Fat Retard: SLOBBERKNOCKER!

*Then he power bombs Notwedge.*

Fat Retard: SLOBBERKNOCKER!

*and he power bombs PenWing.*

Fat Retard: SLOBBERKNOCKER!

*Fantastic too...*

Fat Retard: SLOBBERKNOCKER!

*Then Darth picks up Perdicion and eliminates him.*

Fat Retard: SLOBBERKNOCK...er...Drop toe hold?

*Chris Oakley is the next to come in. He is understandably reluctant to get into the ring after that display as Darth stands at the ropes and taunts him. He doesn't notice that Notwedge and PenWing are back on their feet and they attack Darth from behind. They manage to grab a hold of him as Fantastic gets back up and Oakley climbs in. The four of them go after Darth, finally starting to wear him down then Sammitch is the next in and he joins in as well. Then the last guy they want to come in starts down the ramp.*

Monroe: With Grimm's arrival, the Dark Lords are at full strength!

Marcum and we know who the last two in will be! The team of King Snarf and Joe Mama!

*They all turn against Grimm but he rips into them, slamming them to the mat one after another. PenWing is the last to come after him and Grimm catches his attempted kick and then he picks PenWing up and tosses him out of the ring, then he turns to the fallen bodies, he picks up Oakley as Joe Mama becomes the second to last person to enter. He motions to Grimm that he'd like a shot at Oakley just as Darth gets up and grabs Joe from behind. Grimm casually tosses Oakley away and starts in on Joe Mama.*

Marcum: You don't want to tell the Dark Lords what to do!

*Darth gets Joe in position for a pile-driver and Grimm jumps off the second rope to spike it.*

Monroe: Bugawd! The Dark Lords just sent Joe Mama straight to hell!

*The Dark Lords go in search of more victims. Grim picks up Notwedge and Darth picks up Captain Sammitch and toss them at the ropes. They end up on the apron next to each other. Darth charges after them as Grimm picks up Joe Mama and eliminates him. He doesn't see Notwedge and Sammitch duck down, grabbing the top rope. Darth flies over them and out of the ring. Notwedge and Sammitch start to fight each other on the apron. The final countdown finishes and King Snarf steps onto the ramp. Then Johnny Evil's music comes on. Notwedge looks around to see where he's coming from, but it ends up not really mattering as Sammitch pushes him off the apron. Notwedge manages to grab onto Sammitch as he falls and they both land on the floor, with Notwedge hitting the ground just before Sammitch does. King Snarf steps into the ring.*

Monroe: We're down to the last three men!

*All three men start fighting each other with no two ganging up on the other. King Snarf is knocked to the side as Grimm gets the upper hand and tosses Oakley over the top rope. King Snarf Dropkicks Grimm from behind while he's off balance and eliminates him.*

The winners of the Tag Team Mini Rumble are King Snarf and Joe Mama

This Joe Mama is a tough fellow, but methinks he is yellow.

Rosalita, the Human Lovebomb vs. Nuriko

The first of tonight's hotties saw the more experienced Nuriko ride to victory against the more inexperienced Rosalita.

Nuriko came down to the ring accompanied by her bodyguard Tommy, but Rosalita was also accompanied by her boss's tag partner Tommy Savitz. Both men started outside the ring, though, as the hotties got down to some serious chick-fighting

Marcum: Pinch me! I'm in heaven!

Rosalita initially went ahead by scoring a Mystic east, but Nuriko wriggled her way out of the following pin and karate chopped The Human Lovebomb to the mat. Meanwhile, outside the ring the two Tommy and Savitz had got to brawling after Savitz stopped Tommy from breaking the pin. Two-Ton Tommy initially managed to nail a low blow to go ahead, but soon found himself on the end of a Release German Suplex, which knocked him out cold.

In the ring, Nuriko slammed Rosalita into a turnbuckle, but Rosalita slapped her in the face before Nuriko could hit an attempted superplex. Rosalita then grabbed Nuriko's kimono, but Nuriko ditched it and grabbed a handful of the Human Lovebomb's hair, causing Rosalita to cry in pain.

Savitz stuck to the rules and stayed out of the ring, but he did reach under the bottom rope and trip Nuriko up, enabling Rosalita to nail The Love Bomb. Unfortunately, the execution of the move caused a 'Wardrobe Malfunction'.

Marcum: That's the way women's wrestling should be fought!

Fat Retard: SLOBBERKNOCKERS!

Llawler: What's the big deal? It's only a *girl*

Rosalita immediately attempted to cover herself up, but the break allowed Nuriko to get to her feet and nail her with a Martial Arts kick. Nuriko then climbed a turnbuckle and scored a spectacular Hirshima Mama to register a victory.


Eurotrash #1 Contender’s Match

Nowhereman dominated a match that lasted less time than anyone expected. Once everyone was in the ring, the bell sounded and the match began with Backwards7 going after Rex as his tag team partner, Chewy Walrus, squared off against Nowhereman. But this strategy would work against them, as Nowhereman quickly dominated Chewy Walrus with a Fucking Cuntline and a Fuck Off Slam to get the pin and a quick elimination. Backwards7 had barely finished eliminating Rex with a Doldrum and a Hackney Chin Grip when Nowhereman leveled him with a Cunt-Fu Kick and a Flip-Off. With a Poof Smasher for good measure, Nowhereman locked up his title shot against Captain Sammitch.


Sneaky Bunny vs ButterRican

This match was a preview of the Women’s Boobie Belt Title Match at NWOOTC. ButterRican tried to end the match early with her Latina Fury, but Sneaky Bunny seemed to have the Diva perfectly scouted. Though she worked from the defensive for the early goings, it wasn’t long before Sneaky Bunny was able to turn the tables on her opponent using much of the technical wrestling that Meeko employs. Sneaky Bunny was able to hit ButterRican with a Bunny Hop, which allowed her to drag ButterRican to the ring corner for a perfectly executed Bunny Flop. Finally, Sneaky Bunny hit the Diva with a Taxidermy to lock up the win.


Cage Match: Chris Oakley vs Louie Bastardo

With no music or fanfare, Grace led Louie Bastardo to the ring. Louie had a tense look on his face as he walked down the ramp to the cage. Before entering, Louie and Grace both inspected the cage closely for any gaps or weak points. Satisfied, Louie enters the cage. Almost immediately, "Rooster" starts up and Oakley makes his way to ringside, with Ian Bond in tow, to the applause of the fans.

Monroe: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to inform you that all other members of the Bastardo Family and Bond’s Brigade have been banned from The Cheese Dome!

Madman: That’s not fair! Louie is alone with Chris AND Ian Bond??? What if Ian decides to interfere?

Oakley starts to climb into the cage, but Louie calls for the referee to handcuff him. Reluctantly, Chris backs down but requires Bond to be the one to put the cuffs on him. Bond takes the cuffs from the referee and places them around Oakley's wrists. The ref then tests the cuffs to make sure that they’re on tight enough and will not break. Once the ref motions that Chris is secure in the handcuffs, Oakley climbs into the cage, the bell sounds, and the match begins.

Though without the use of his hands, Chris advances on his former manager like a man on a mission. Louie is trying to keep away from Chris but is quickly cornered. Louie steps forward, trying to “negotiate” with Oakley, but suddenly drops to his knees and hits Chris with a low blow. As Chris falls, Louie rolls out of the way to avoid him. Louie stands, adopts a boxing stance, and starts to hit Chris with a series of rights and lefts to the head. But they obviously have little affect on him as he stands to face Louie.

Monroe: Nice, try, Louie. Looks like you’ve only made him mad!

Madman: Well, what do you expect?!? Louie’s a mind-man, not a fighter!!!

Monroe: Then he should’ve run out of the cage when he had his chance!

Chris is shouting at Louie, who is – once again – trying to stay away from Chris. Louie tries to run to the cage door, but Chris heads him off. Louie tries to run to a cage wall and start climbing, but his weight and lack of athletic ability make it slow going. Chris takes advantage of the situation with a standing drop kick that causes Louie to lose his balance and fall to the mat. Chris starts kicking at Louie as he tries again to crawl to the cage door. Chris, once again, blocks Louie’s progress with one savage kick after another. Louie stumbles back to the center of the ring where Chris is able to lock in a small package using only his legs.

Monroe: A little Greco-Roman style mat wrestling by Chris Oakley!

Madman: What’s the point of that? To win a Cage Match, you have to get out of the cage! Chris is just being sadistic!

Monroe: It’s no less than Louie Bastardo deserves! But…what’s happening under the ring apron?

From beneath the ring – within the cage – crawls Joe Mama. His hands are taped up and he is carrying…

Madman: It’s Loosie! Joe Mama is going to save his manager and send Chris Oakley a clear message for No Way Out Of The Closet!!!

Monroe: This is disgusting! The Bastardo Family is intentionally throwing this match to get Chris Oakley alone and destroy him!

Madman: That’s a great strategy! Louie’s a genius!!!

Joe Mama slides into the ring and delivers a full swing to Chris’ back that breaks the hold and sends Chris falling to the mat. The ref calls for the bell as Joe Mama yells something to Louie about “chains” and “the door”. Louie hops to the floor and pulls out a length of chain and a lock, then moves towards the cage door.

Ian Bond enters the cage and runs at Louie, but the Bastardo Patriarch drops to the mat and Ian is hit with Joe Mama’s barbed wire-wrapped bat. Louie loops the chain around the cage and locks it, preventing anyone else from entering. Then he crawls under the ring again and pulls out a 2X4. The Bastardos go to work on Ian Bond and Chris Oakley with their weapons of choice. Eventually, the pair swaps off and Joe goes to work on Ian as Louie batters Chris. Finally, Joe moves Louie aside, drapes Ian across Oakley, climbs the ropes, and hits the Brigadiers with a Flying Teabag Slam.

Monroe: This is disgusting! Someone has to do something!!!

Madman: Something has been done! Chris Oakley and Ian Bond just learned that you never cross the Bastardo Family!!!

“Faded” starts playing as Joe Mama and Louie Bastardo celebrate in the ring and Havoc fades out.