RKMBs Forums .::Important::. RDCW Tuesday Night Havoc 03/08/05

Tag Match (non title) single choice

Sammitch/PenWing (76%, 13 Votes)

Spamm/Savitz (24%, 4 Votes)

Total Votes: 17 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 7:05 PM

Singles Match single choice

Johnny Evil (56%, 10 Votes)

Bibbo (44%, 8 Votes)

Total Votes: 18 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 7:05 PM

Hotties Tag Match (non title) single choice

Stareena/Butterrican (56%, 10 Votes)

Cowgirl Jack/Bianca (44%, 8 Votes)

Total Votes: 18 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 7:05 PM

Singles Match single choice

Shinobi Spade (69%, 11 Votes)

Howler (31%, 5 Votes)

Total Votes: 16 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 7:05 PM

Six Man Tag single choice

Chris Oakley/Los Monstrous Azules (17%, 3 Votes)

Joe Mama/Legbreakererses (83%, 15 Votes)

Total Votes: 18 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 7:05 PM

Fifteen Minute Challenge single choice

James Fantastic (28%, 5 Votes)

King Snarf (72%, 13 Votes)

Total Votes: 18 Voting on this poll ends: 2024-06-02 7:05 PM

*Havoc opens with the Family gathered in the ring. They are dressed in a very "business casual" attire. King Snarf brandishes the World Heavyweight Cheese Title. Joe Mama pats the IC title over his shoulder. "Sabotage" is playing over the loudspeakers as the Legbreakererses (no longer 4 Hire, but now on permanent retainer) climb into the ring and take their place at Joe Mama's side. The Family is soon joined in the ring by El Superbeasto, then Johnny Evil, along with his girlfriend, Ariel. Grace hands Louie the microphone.

"To all those of you who doubted me, who thought that the Family was finished, that two wrestlers, a manager, and a secretary couldn't hold things together, couldn't dominate and thrive, to all those of you out there who thought the Family was on it's last legs, I say to all of you, right now, if you want to make it out with your careers and integrity intact. . .bow down and KISS MY FEET!!!!"

*Crowd booes heavily as the Family members laugh and congratulate each other.

"All you johnny come latelies out there like "Mr. Ian St. John Bond" and that trust fund baby billionare "Slick Willie" Williams, who think you can just walk in here and leech off of my success and try to run me into the ground, need to remember something! No one gets over on the Family, because Louie Bastardo always has an angle! When Ian Bond was out playing detective, I was fighting and scratching and yes, thinking my way to success. When Bill Williams was out losing his family's hard earned money on booze and prostitutes, I was making myself and my clients rich!"

"You see, what you saw last week at No Way Out of the Closet, was the culmination of months of planning and hard work. Johnny Evil!" *Louie points at Johnny, who smiles crazily and waves before falling forward, leaning on the ring ropes. "I bet you people forgot Johnny Evil was a teammate of the Family at Conniver Series! He was all set to bring the Donkey Lovin Titles to the Family! But his partner was too soft! So he had to be made an example of!"

*Crowd booes the former Notwedge. Some throw drinks at him. He laughs and tries to knock them back into the crowd.

"The Legbreakererses! These boys have for months been making life hell for Captain Sammitch and PenWing! And soon they'll rip those Donkey Lovin Tag Titles from around your waists!" *Legbreakererses motion around their waists and high five each other. "Now they're full members of the Family!"

"El Superbeasto!. . .Chris, I do have to thank you for this one." Louie laughs. "If you hadn't brought those two tortillas into the Family, I never would've come across this true, giant monster!" *El Superbeasto motions for a chokeslam as the crowd continues attempting to jeer the Family right out of the building.

"But wait. . .Grace, it seems there's another member of our Family that we haven't discussed yet."

"That's right, Louie." Grace leans into the mic to speak. "But instead of telling them, why don't we show them?"

"Excellent idea, I knew there was a reason I hired you. Chris, do you remember this?"

The Cheese-o-tron comes to life with a black and white video. While the picture quality isn't 100% perfect, we can very clearly make out the RDCW World Champion standing beside his stretch limo talking on his cell phone. He's grinning like the cat that swallowed the proverbial canary.

Monroe: That's the tape Chris showed us before the Rumble!

King Snarf: Yeah, JD, everything's working out perfectly. The Bastardo Family is starting to come apart like wet paper. I guarantee that by the time the RDCW Rumble rolls around, they'll be at each other's throats, and that fat idiot Louie Bastardo will be a complete mental case--as if he wasn't one already. (gives evil laugh)

LB: "Keep watching."

King Snarf puts his phone away and looks towards the camera.

KS: How was that?

Woman's Voice: Perfect!

Monroe: Wait. I know that voice!

KS: Now, you mind telling me why I was pretending to talk to this JD person?

Woman's Voice: Actually, you sort of messed up the name. That's not a "D" on the card.

KS: It's not?

King Snarf pulls out his cue card and takes another look at it.

KS: Oh crap! I was supposed to say JB! I get the "B", but why the "J"?

Woman's Voice: You'll know that at the Rumble.

KS: You really are a sneaky bastard, aren't you, honey?

Woman's Voice: I ain't no honey. When we finish pulling this off, they'll be calling me the Bastardo Bunny.

King Snarf and the woman laugh as the video fades from the screen.

LB: I think we all get the "J", Chris. (Louie looks over at a grinning Joe Mama) But the "B", the "B" is another story.

Monroe: Well, we all know who the "B" is! It's-

LB: "I'd like to introduce everyone to the Bastardo Family's future Women's Boobie Belt Champion...Sneaky the Bastardo Bunny!"

"Scar Tissue" plays as Sneaky makes her way to ringside to join the Family.

Sneaky Bunny enters the ring as the entire Family applauds her. She reaches the center of the ring and bows to the booing fans and to the Family. Louie hands her the mic.

SB: Surprise! Thank you for your concern. I feel much better - bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!

The Family laughs and claps. Sneaky Bunny walks over to Joe Mama, who looks to be the happiest person in the ring. She hands him the mic and the pair high-five each other. Then they turn to the camera, Joe Mama drapes an arm across Sneaky Bunny's shoulders, and lifts the mic to speak.

JM: It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? Here everyone was, doubting the Family and yapping about how Sneaky Bunny would NEVER accept an invitation to join the Family, even if one of her best friends and biggest supporters was the one doing the offering! I'll bet there's a lot of people in the stands and in the back feeling MIGHTY silly right now!

You see, when I finally got to talk to Sneaky Bunny face-to-face, I didn't try to appeal to her as a friend. I didn't babble any garbage about friendship and loyalty like PenWing did! I didn't make veiled threats about what would happen if Sneaky Bunny refused my offer like PenWing did! I kept it strictly about business: where she stood versus where she could stand. I was blunt about what I thought of her as a wrestler and a competitor. And then I gave her a fact that surprised her when she heard it:

You see, according to those in the RDCW's executive committee, by virtue of her win-loss record, Sneaky Bunny is the #1 Contender for the Women's Boobie Belt, and has been for a few months now! Imagine her surprise when she heard that! And imagine my surprise when I found out that she's mentioned wanting a title shot and was told by...certain people "all in due time, just be patient". You see, PenWing wasn't being completely honest when he told everyone his side of things.

So, let's make this official...Sneaky?

Sneaky Bunny smiles at Joe Mama and takes the mic from his hands. She pauses, ruffles Joe Mama's hair a bit, then turns to the camera.

SB: Meeko! I want my title shot at Robblemania!!!

Monroe: I can't believe it! After everything that's happened, not only has Sneaky Bunny turned on her friends, but now she wants to be rewarded for it!

Madman: It's not about friends! It's about the business of titles, and Meeko has been dodging her "friend" for too long!

Sneaky Bunny gives the mic back to Joe Mama.

JM: And now that we've made our intentions clear about that, let's give you a vision of things to come!

Joe Mama takes his Inter-Cunt-Inental Title off his shoulder and wraps it around Sneaky Bunny's waist, snapping it in place. Then he lifts her onto his shoulder as the rest of the Bastardo Family applauds her.

JM: You're all looking at the next Women's Boobie Belt Champion! See you at RobbleMania!

The crowd continues to boo as the Bastardo Family applauds each other and Sneaky Bunny in particular. Joe Mama turns to Johnny Evil and tosses him the mic, then motions for him to "take the stage". He steps back with Sneaky Bunny still on his shoulder and makes room for Johnny Evil...

JE: First of all, I'd like to thank Chris Oakley for his invitiation to join the Bastardo family. As you can see, I've decided to take it. I just wanted to wait for them to remove a little dead weight.

*The Bastaerdos laugh as the crowd boos.*

Now, I know this is a celebration, but I'd like to take a few moments to remember a fallen man who was beloved by many. *The Bastardos bow their heads as The lights dim, on the screen an image like an old home movie is shown with scenes from Notwedge's career. The song "Shine Your Light" plays.*

The cry of the city like a siren's song
Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long
Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky
Must be someone's soul passing by

*Nw is shown announcing he is the fourth member of the Triple Set.*

These are the streets
Where we used to run where your Papa's from
These are the days
Where you become what you become
These are the streets
Where the story's told
The truth unfolds
Darkness settles in

*Doc Mid Nite is shown walking into Nw's locker room. Nw turns around, wearing his mask for the first time.*

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so I can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on

*Nw is shown smashing Joe Mama's CD and then fighting him in the Best Buy Gift Card on a pole match.*

Don't wanna be a hero
Just an everyday man
Trying to do the job the very best he can
But now it's like living on borrowed time
Out on the rim, over the line
Always tempting fate like a game of chance
Never wanna stick around to the very last dance
Sometimes I stumble and take a hard fall
Lose hold your grip off the wall

*Nw is shown on a motorcycle hanging from a wire while all kinds of crazy stuff goes on during the entrance he made after kidnapping the crew's pets.*

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so I can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
Carry on

*Nw is shown in front of a map, pointing out the fact that Southern Ireland isn't shown on it.*

I thought I saw him walking by the side of the road
Maybe trying to find his way home

*Nw is shown beating 13 people in one night for a shot at number 1 contender for the Eurotrash title.*

He's here but not here
He's gone but not gone
Just hope he knows if I get lost

*Nw is shown making an entrance in the vaguely UFO-like golf cart with the Captain of Outer Space.*

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so I can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
Carry on

*Nw is shown winning the Tag team titles with CoOS, the image of him holding up his belt freezes as the music ends, at the bottom of the screen it says "Notwedge 2004-2005".

*The Bastardos are all laughing at the video and some even applaud Johnny Evil as he starts to address the crowd.*

JE: Some of you are probably expecting an explanation. You want this to make sense. You think that there must be some rational reason for everything I did last night. The fact of the matter is, hell, I just felt like it. I decided I wanted to mess with you idiots. I was sick and tired of coming out here night after night risking and busting my ass so all of you could laugh at me. I never wanted to be Notwedge. That was never the real me. OK, I really am a bit off. I admit that. But I am not the kind of person who should be entertaining children with goofy antics. That was just a way to get my foot in the door here at RDCW. It went on far too long and now it's over. I can finally be the real me. No more holing back. No more masks. No more carrying that dead-weight partner. No more pretending I care about you idiots. I'm finally back on the road to success I detoured from so long ago, thanks to my new family. You probably think I'm heartless now, but that's not true. My priorities are just different, but I still care. In fact, I want to tell you about someone I care about very much...

*It seems like he's about to indicate Ariel.*

Spandex Monkey Man.

*JE, Ariel and their assembled allies seem pleased with the deception.*

I see you, and I see someone making the same mistakes I did. Following that same path that I took. I just can't stand by and let that happen. You have to see what that will lead to. And, well, there's a little something called Robblemania coming up. I've checked with Grace and Mr. Bastardo and it seems my schedule is clear for that evening. Is that right?

*Grace checks her computer.*

Grace: That's right, Johnny.

JE: So, Spamm, you want to be RDCW's biggest joke? You want to be the new Notwedge? Fine. Then face me in the biggest, most gimmicky match in the history of wrestling. A Chicago Style match. You see, I've had the privilege of living in Chicago, the greatest city on Earth. A much better place than the town we're in tonight. And I have frequently enjoyed Chicago Style hot dogs. Now. a Chicago Style hot dog is topped with many things, mustard, tomatoes, relish, a pickle. The list of toppings is long, but does not include ketchup. So, I'm proposing a match that can be ended in many ways, none of which are a pinfall or disqualification. You won't get the list of stipulations until after you accept. Now, I'll wait for your response, but I know what it will be. You are the hero after all.

*The Bastardos laugh while the crowd boos.*

Monroe: Just when it looked like the Bastardoes were on their way out, they've come back stronger than ever!

We’re back from commercial.

Monroe: This has been an amazing night, Marcum! The Bastardos seem to be secure in their “dominance”…

Madman: Why shouldn’t they be? In 24 hours, they’ve solidified their power base, expanded membership, and have shown the unified front that the old members didn’t have!

Monroe is about to answer, but the lights suddenly dim. The Cheese-O-Tron comes alive with the image of a familiar-looking man sitting at a mahogany desk. Behind him is a familiar-looking logo crossed out with crayon. The “new” logo is written next to it in red crayon. The nameplate on the desk reads “Billionaire Vince”.

BV: Are we on yet? I wanna get this over with. My wife is in Norwalk and Bitch Status is in my limo. I’ve got a date with a great BJ and I…

Off-Camera Voice: You’re on, Sir.

BV: Shit, really? (adjusts himself) Hello, RDCW fans! I’m sure you know me. I’m the Owner, President, CEO, and Genetic Jackhammer of your major competitor. I run a national wrestling promotion and I’m sure you all watch my shows regularly. After all, we’re on four nights a week! You can’t miss us!

The crowd collectively moans. Chants of “RDCW!” are starting up.

BV: The reason I’m here, on your so-called “main show” is because I wanted to let you in on some very exciting news! You see, I noticed you a few months ago. I think it was your “Arma-Gadda-Da-Vidda” pay-per-view. Your promotion has been in my backyard for over a year and I never even knew! So I’ve been watching you closely. My first thought was “OH! So THAT’S where a good chunk of my promotion’s audience went!” Then, after a few of your “Havoc”s, I thought, “Wow…those guys are really talented! I haven’t seen moves like those since I banned excitement from our house shows and pay-per-views!” By the time your “RDCW Rumble” came along, I was telling people “Not only does their wrestling blow ours away, but the storylines are superior in every way! And their Big Men can wrestle, too! When was the last time you saw one of our Big Men actually wrestle, much less lift a leg to perform a basic Leg Drop, without needing to see a surgeon the next morning?”

Well, none of my toadies…I mean, “Yes Men”…I mean “Writer and Bookers” could answer me. And this last pay-per-view, “No Way Out Of The Closet”, made my mind up for me. This promotion is taking away too many of MY fans! You’re eating away at MY buy-rates. And, frankly, everything about your promotion is making me look like a laughingstock! So I decided to do the only thing I could do in my position…No, I didn’t hire better writers. No, I didn’t book better talent or fire our deadweight (MY catch-phrase was copyrighted by the bad comb over-having billionaire)! I made your Owner and CEO, Mr. Kramphoo…Kamphorse…”ROB(!!!)” an offer to buy out your promotion! And do you know what he said to me?

Some of the crowd is booing, but there’s a hush to hear exactly what Rob Kamphausen said.

BV: He told me to FUCK OFF!!!

The crowd cheers!

BV: Then he suggested that I perform oral and sexual treats on May NotYoung and deliver her hand-baby!!!

The crowd cheers!!!

BV: Don’t you cheer for him! I’m a Billionaire, dammit! I’m a morally corrupt, creatively bankrupt, washed-up Billionaire!

More cheers!!!

BV: So let me tell you where I’m at with this! I drove a much better, more extreme, promotion under and I bought out my closest competitor when it was worse than my promotion! I’m not about to ignore the RDCW! I want to own it and, by God, I’m gonna own it! So consider this my “Hostile Takeover” Announcement!

The crowd boos him.

BV: Admit it! You’d love to see your Heavyweight Champion, King Snarf, wrestle and job out to my son-in-law, Crippled H! (boos) You’re dying for Joe Mama to face off against The Shmuck and his People’s Eyebrow! (boos) What fan wouldn’t want to see PenWing and Captain Sammitch battle my tag team Champion, Rob Gawd Damn/Gay Mystery-boy. Nowhereman versus UndiesTaker is an instant classic! And rumor says that Chris Oakley has been dying to fight Kurt Angle – well, I can make it happen! Charlie…James Fantastic…NotWedge, uh, Johnny Evil…Wednesday…Spandex Monkey Man…with these guys on my roster, I could fire half my own roster and use the money to see a movie. Alone.

The entire crowd is chanting “RDCW! RDCW!!!”

BV: And the women! Why, with the ladies on your roster, I could get rid of the trannies I’ve been parading around for the last five years! Don Marty could go back to her Bronx street corner! Crusty HemmeRoid could get those hair plugs she needs! But I’d keep Bitch. Gotta have Bitch…ohhhhhhhh….uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Off-Camera Voice: Boss!

BV: Huh? Whuzzat? OH! Anyways…fans of the RDCW, I will own your promotion! If it takes a week, a month, or a year, I’ll hold your promotion in the palm of my hands!

He cups his hands together. From off-camera, a large man with bleach-blond hair and a bad handlebar moustache that barely hides his huge nose walks on-screen. The crowd starts chanting “You Suck!”

Crippled H: Did you call me, Dad? I mean, “Vince”…

BV: No…what would I need with you?

CH: Well, my balls were tingling. And I see your hands are cupped. Do you want me to drop my pan…

BV: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!

CH: Eep! (runs off)

BV: Just remember, RDCW fans! I’m a billionaire! I want your wrestling promotion, and I’ll have it! You’ll be a part of my sports entertainment scam yet! Now turn off this camera or YOU’RE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED!!!

The camera cuts out.

Madman: What the Hell was that?

Monroe: I don’t know, Marcum. But I think we’re about to be invaded.

Madman: Not by…?

Monroe: Yes. By the Worst Wrestling Ever!

*Backstage, Captain Sammitch is watching footage of his match against Nowhereman at No Way Out of the Closet when PenWing enters the locker room.*

PW: Hey, partner, I've got some good news. Meeko is going to be released tomorrow.

CS: That's good. But what are we going to do about the mess we're in? Our coalition has done nothing but disintegrate since the Rumble, while the Bastardo Family has gotten stronger. Sneaky Bunny was just the latest to turn on us. And you know she's gunning for Meeko. Plus, the Legbreakererses have been targeting you nonstop since Stupid Dogg lost the Table Royal. And to top it off, we both lost our titles.

PW: I know things look bad, but while we lost our individual titles, look what we gained. (PenWing holds out his Tag Team Donkey Lovin title belt, and points to Sammitch's belt lying next to him.) What we pulled off at No Way Out of the Closet, not only defeating the now defunct Princes of the Universe, but also the combined forces of King Snarf and Joe Mama, that may have been our greatest achievement in the RDCW.

CS: You know something? You're right. There were three Bastardo Family members in that match, and even though one of them was supposed to lose, the other two really wanted these belts. We totally kicked their asses.

PW: Yes we did. And we're not finished yet. Tonight, I am going to sign the contract to face King Snarf for the Heavyweight Cheese Title at Robblemania. And at Robblemania, well, you know what Meeko has been working on...

CS: (smiling) That I do. And you know what, there's something I can do for us tonight too. Something big.

PW: Do tell.

CS: No. I think I'll let my actions let speak for me. Keep your eyes peeled, champ. Let's kick some asses.

Backstage, Tommy is preparing for his tag match against Sammitch and Penwing. Rosalita appears, looking uncomfortable and really comfortable at the same time

R: Do you think he knows?

Tommy remains his usual inperturbable self, barely even looking at Rosalita

TS: Spamm might be a great wrestler, but his interpersonal skills are...wellm you know what his interpersonal skills are like. He won't notice until we tell him, and even then he won't care.

R: How do you know that?

Tommy looks at her and raises a quizzical eyebrow

TS: He's Spandex Monkey Man. All he ever seems to care about is wrestling anf justice. This little romance of ours is not either of those things.

Rosalita pauses, and then the pair engage clinch, in one of those hugely overblown romance movie style kisses. In the arena people are cheering and retching alternately

ppeppoeoepoetpketkeperpkegkp p iiopesoosjpfpjkofpdspjiskdln gnnslflkgs fagafahafajagqhqhqgqhwagayayr .....dlkieieikekeekkeekekkekekekekekekekekekkeekkekekekekekeekkekekekekekekekekekek JJJJJOOOOOOEEEEEEEE MMMMMMAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAA

*PJP escaped from his cage and is now lurking around backstage*

*In The Company locker room, Slick Willie prepares to make an announcement:*

Slick Willie: Men, Ah know that lately we have been a bit down on our luck. Ah have looked into ways to turn things around, and Ah have come to some very disappointing conclusions. Fer one, ya can't buy the refs in this league.

Howler: Man, that sucks. Buying refs off always worked back in the IEW, right, Charlie?

Highwayman: Anything else we can do, Boss?

Slick Willie: Well, ya also can't buy the GM, so that's out, too.

Charlie: I could just, y'know, re-negotiate with him

Highwayman: You mean you'd brake both his legs?

Charlie: That's my job!

Howler: Shut up both of you! Well, boss, what else have you managed to do?

Slick Willie: What Ah did manage to do, as a manager, is get our man Charlie a shot at the Eurotrash Title at Robblemania!

Howler: Nice work, sir. Charlie, ya feeling up to it?

Charlie: Ya kidding me, right? Nowhereman's the Eurotrash champ, and I've been itching to get back at him since the street fight at Rumble!

Highwayman: You want em at ringside, in case anything goes wrong?

Charlie: I'll manage, thanks. Boss, you're the greatest!

Slick Willie: Shucks. Ah'm just doin mah job. Now let's get out there and show these poor folks how Big Business works!

Pinball Wizard plays, and Spandex makes his way to the ring. Rosalita is not with him, but he doesn't notice as the crowds cheer and join in his cry of SPANDEX MONKEY MAN!! After the yell, he makes his way to the ring, mic in hand, and speaks

SMM: Two words to Johnny Evil: Bring It On, Loser!

Marcum:That's four words, Dumbass!

The crowd cheers, and chants of SPANDEX! are taken up

SMM: Robblemania is the greatest event in the wrestling calendar, and on that hallowed night the Bastardo Family will receive their first taste...of justice.

But you're not the only, or even the most important, thing on my mind. We all saw what Vince had to say! He thinks he can just come in here with his collection of jobbers and trannies and take over! Not on my watch.

Monroe:Spandex Monkey Man doesn't seem too keen on the Worst Wrestling Ever!

Marcum:Why should he? Everyone hates them!

SMM: I used to know some of the men who worked for the promotions you destroyed. Taking down Woefully Crap Wrestling, with it's hackneyed storylines and wrestlers that make your boys look talented, was an acceptable move, but you crosse a line when you took Extremely Cool Wrestling. If you come her I will PERSONALLY kick your ass all the way to hell and back!

Pinball Wizard plays, and Spandex poses for the crowd as they cheer and chant RDJL!

We come back from a commercial to see Fantastic standing in the ring. He looks uncharacteristically serious.

JF: At No Way Out of The Closet, I lost in my second title bout to Son of Mxy. Fair enough, he was the better man. But that match set me to thinking. Snce I arrived here, I've had decidedly little luck in the ring. True, I've faced up against some of the biggest names in the biz. But evcery single time, I've lost.

It's this that's led me to make the decision I'm here to announce. As of tonight, I am leaving the Bond Brigade.

Gasps are heard around the cheesedome

Marcum: Haha! He's realised that he can't beat the Bastardos! Maybe now he'll go crawling back to Louie!

Monroe: I gotta admit, I'm dissapointed! I'd have thought that Fantastic would've had more nerve.

Marcum: He's realised that he can't beat the Bastardo's!

JF: Don't get me wrong, I'd rather die than go back to the Bastard Family. But, well, every wrestler needs experience, and Ian Bond and Chris seem determined to take on The Bastardo's, and right now I'm feeling a little outgunned.

Marcum:He'll always be outgunned! The Bastardo's are invincible! INVINCIBLE!!

JF: I've been in a stable ever since I came here. It's about damn time I stopped using a safety net.

Captain Sammitch/PenWing vs. Spandex Monkey Man/Tommy Savitz

"Let's Get It Started" plays over the speakers as the Tag Team Donkey Lovin’ Champions make their way to the ring. As they raise their titles to the crowd, a cry of 'SPANDEX MONKEY MAN!!!' followed by an instrumental version of "Pinball Wizard" is heard, and Spamm, Tommy Savitz and Rosalita the Human Lovebomb walk down the ramp. Spamm seems oblivious to the glances shared between Savitz and Rosalita. Once they’re in the ring, Rosalita suggests that Savitz start the match, and Sammitch stays in the ring to face off against him. The bell rings, and the two immediately become entangled in a series of holds and roll ups, with neither wrestler getting more than a one count. Finally, Savitz is able to hand out an Anaesthetic to Sammitch, but Sammitch is able to break the hold on impact, and roll to his corner to tag in PenWing.

Monroe: That's some veteran savvy right there by Sammitch!

Marcum: It looked more like sushi to me.

Savitz quickly goes to his own corner to tag in Spamm, who quickly climbs the ropes and catches PenWing with a Flying Banana Chop. Not done, Spamm goes for a Monkey Drop, but PenWing roles out of the way. Back on his feet, PenWing waits for Spamm to get up, and then nails him with a Spin-o-rama. He quickly goes for the cover, but Rosalita distracts the ref.

Monroe: That's not right! I thought these guys were about justice!

Marcum: It would be unjust to ignore a woman of Rosalita's stature!

Tired of waiting, PenWing helps Spamm back to his feet, and tags in Sammitch. Sammitch takes Spamm and begins executing a series of Sammitch Suplexes while the crowd counts.

Crowd: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six!

Marcum: Has the ref lost his hearing! There's a match going on!

Monroe: He's righteously paying attention to a woman of great stature!

Marcum: He can't do that right now! He's supposed to watching the match! Where's the justice?!?

Still flirting, the ref doesn't notice Savitz enter the ring, grab Sammitch after the final suplex, and begin administering a series of Anaesthetics of his own. The crowd counts.

Crowd: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six!

Monroe: I can't believe the ref is still flirting with Rosalita!

Marcum: It's his duty as an official of this company to pay attention to all aspects of the match, inside and out of the ring!

PenWing then enters the ring and grabs Savitz's arm, whipping him into the ropes and finishing off a Drag 'n Whip. Spamm finally gets back to his feet, grabs PenWing, whips him into the ropes, and clotheslines him out of the ring. As PenWing gets back to his feet, Spamm leaps of the top rope with another Flying Banana Chop.

Spamm then climbs the corner turnbuckle and cries out: SPANDEX MONKEY MAN!

He then demonstrates The Might of the Monkey on PenWing outside the ring. The ref finally turns away from Rosalita to see Sammitch get back to his feet and execute one final Sammitch Suplex for the pin. Spamm gets back in the ring too late to break it, and starts jumping up and down in anger. Rosalita runs to Savitz and helps him to his feet. The champs celebrate on the ramp.

Marcum: They were robbed! Sammitch wasn't the legal man! Why wasn't the ref paying attention?!?

Monroe: Of course the ref was paying attention, that's why the match finally ended!


Johnny Evil vs Bibbo

Bibbo is already in the ring waiting when the lights go out and "Lying From You" by Linkin Park starts up. The words EVIL IS COMING appear on the screen. The crowd knows who's about to come out so they're already booing. As the song reaches the line, "lying my way from you". The lights snap back on and pyro shoots off in sequence up the edges of the ramp. The words on the screen switch to EVIL IS HERE and Johnny Evil is standing on the stage with Ariel. He seems to enjoy the boos as he walks down to the ring. Along the way, he sees a kid in an "I'm #4" t-shirt who's holding up a sign that says, "Say it ain't so, Notwedge!" Johnny Evil takes great pleasure in grabbing the sign and tearing it up as Ariel laughs. Johnny Evil climbs into the ring as Ariel heads over to the announce table.

Monroe: It looks like we're being joined for our commentary for this match.

Ariel: Hello. How are you doing?

Marcum: much better now that I'm sitting next to you instead of him. I just loved the way you and Johnny Evil shocked the world.

Ariel: It took a lot of planning, but I'm glad he finally gets to be the real him here in RDCW. I'm here right now to help everyone adjust to the "new" him.

The match starts out with some fairly typical wrestling, JE breaks away and snaps off a quick roundhouse kick and launches into a sequence of Tae Kwon Do moves.

Monroe: I must admit, that's an impressive display of martial arts ability by Johnny Evil.

Ariel: He's studied Tae Kwon Do since the fifth grade; he's been a black belt for over a decade.

JE climbs to the top rope and chops Bibbo on the top of the head.

Marcum: Ha! He got him with Death Chop 2000!

Ariel: Actually that move is now named Surprise In The Sky. Johnny loves Disney World and has named all of his moves after former ride names.

Monroe: Disney? That doesn't seem so evil...

Ariel: You forget that Disney is run by Michael Eisner, one of the world's most evil men!

Marcum: Of course! It all makes sense!

Johnny Evil attacks Bibbo with an Asai moonsault.

Ariel: He calls that one Mission To Mars.

JE picks up Bibbo and...

Monroe: I don't suppose that move is still the Reverse Monkey Death Drop.

Ariel: No, it's the WEDway Peoplemover.

JE climbs to the top rope and delivers a half twisting moonsault legdrop.

Marcum: And the Cobra Roll is now...

Ariel: The Skyway To Tomorrowland

Monroe: You two are just chatting away while Johnny Evil is torturing Bibbo!

Ariel: He's just providing a demonstration, and sending a message to Spandex Monkey Man. I think Captain EO will help him do that...

JE performs the move formerly known as the Deadly Knee Drop...of Death!

Monroe: Only the most twisted, evil of men would name a move after a 3-D movie starring Michael Jackson! The kind of man who would eat a kitten!

Ariel: He actually didn't. That kitten was in on the whole deception.

Monroe: In on it?!?

Ariel: Yeah, it was an evil kitten.

Monroe: An evil kitten...what next?

Cradle to Grave is next...

Ariel: Cradle to Grave is now called Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Marcum: God, it bugged me when they closed that one.

Monroe: This is one of the few times I'll agree with you.

Finally, JE makes Bibbo submit with a bridging Indian Death Lock/Facelock combination.

Ariel: He calls that one Countdown To Extinction. It's now named after the worst CG movie of all time, Dinosaur. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to make some Flubber.

Monroe: Make some...

Marcum: I know what's next!

In the ring, Johnny is coming after the fallen Bibbo with a chair; the ref tries to warn him off. Johnny drops the chair behind himself and acts like he's turning to leave. He suddenly lashes out with a spinning hook kick, the ref dodges to the side and JE's foot strikes the chair Ariel is now holding up, smashing it into Bibbo's face.

Marcum: Johnny Evil's most feared move! The Making Of Flubber!

JE and Ariel celebrate in the ring.

Monroe: I'm afraid no one can stop the Bastardos! Not with a man that unpredictably evil on their side!

Non-Title Match: The Divas vs The AniBabes

Although the AniBabes impressed the crowd with their teamwork and meshing of both mat wrestling, high-impact moves, and brawling, the Divas managed to pull out the win when Stareena was able to execute a Sunset Flip on Bianca near the ropes and cinch the pin with help from a handful of tights.


Contract Signing For Robblemania XXI’s Main Event

Mike "The Mouth" Monroe is standing in the red-carpeted ring with a mic in hand, along with senior official Lothar.

Monroe: Ladies and Gentlemen, it's now time for the Robblemania contract signing!

(Pops from the crowd)

Monroe: First, I'd like to ask our general manager, The Doctor, to come out to the ring.

"War Pigs blasts over the speakers as The Doctor makes his way to the ring with the contract. Monroe hands him the mic.

Doc: I have in my hands the contract for the main event at Robblemania! Lothar, would you please examine it.

The Doctor hands the contract to Lothar, and gives the mic back to Monroe:

Monroe: Lothar, is the contract ready to be signed?

Lothar: It is.

Monroe: Then let's have the challenger, the winner of the RDCW Rumble and one half of the Tag Team Donkey Lovin’ Champions, PenWing, come out to the ring!

"Rock and Roll Part 2" blasts over the speakers and the crowd roars as PenWing makes his way to the ring, the tag title around his waist, and his trusty Sherwood in his hand.

Monroe: PenWing, congratulations on winning the Rumble. You now have a chance at Robblemania to become the Heavyweight Cheese champion! How do you feel right now?

PenWing: I gotta admit, I feel pretty good. I just wish Meeko could be standing here next to me right now.

Monroe: Speaking of Meeko, I understand that the contract has been faxed to her, and she has approved it.

PenWing: That's why I'm standing here right now, Monroe. So, as Sammitch likes to say, lets get it started.

Monroe: All right then. Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your Heavyweight Cheese Champion, King Snarf!

The crowd boos as "When It All Goes Wrong Again" starts playing and King Snarf makes his way to the ring accompanied by Louie Bastardo.

Monroe: King Snarf, your thoughts on what could prove to be a monumental match?

Snarf: Monumental? Pffft! Hardly! And by the way, Louie wrote up some additional documents I need PenWing to sign...

Monroe: What kind of documents?

Bastardo: Why, they're waivers removing any liability from the Champ should PenWing sustain any injuries that would force him to retire!

Monroe: Oh, for the love of... I will now hand to mic over to The Doctor for the contract signing.

Doc: Thank you, Monroe. Gentlemen, this contract has been approved by both of your managers, senior official Lothar, and earlier today, but Gob himself. King Snarf, as the champion, you sing first.

Doc hands Snarf signs the contract, which he sings and hands back.

Doc: PenWing, your signature makes the match official.

Doc hands the contract over to PenWing, who signs it and hands it back. Both The Doctor and Lothar look it over one more time.

Doc: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that at the main event at Robblemania, King Snarf will defend the Heavyweight Cheese Championship against Pen-

Son of Mxy's music starts up. As the fans cheer and those in the ring turn to look up the ramp for the Second Generation Superstar to arrive, Son of Mxy leapfrogs over the announcer's table sides into the ring, swipes the contract from the Doctor's hand, and signs it himself. Then he hands the contract back to The Doctor, delivers Subject-Verb Agreements to both PenWing and King Snarf, and slides out of the ring. He walks up the ramp and into the back as the crowd cheers and chants his name.

Marcum: The was the weirdest, most amazing thing I've ever seen! It looks like the title will be defended in a triple-threat match after all!

Shinobi Spade vs Howler

The match started with Bill Williams at ringside for Howler, and Spandex Monkey Man accompanying Shinobi Spade to ensure that there would be no cheating by the company. Unfortunately, this didn't quite work, as Howler produced a length of steel chain from his suit and proceeded to whip Spade with it.

Marcum: Ha ha! Take that, you hokey loser!

Monroe: You're sick, Marcum! Spade could get seriously injured!

Fortunately the ref was able to force Howler to stop his brutal assault, and confiscated his weapon. This enabled Spade to take the match to Howler, hitting him with a series of karate chops and judo holds. However, Bill Williams distracted the ref, and Charlie came charging down to the ring to break the hold. Grabbing Spade, he nailed him with a Big Business before scoring a Zeitgeist. Howler then went for a Wolfman Slam, and pin, but Spade kicked out on two.

Meanwhile, Spandex wrenched Bill Williams off the ring apron in order to restore some order to proceedings. He hit Bill with a Spandex Superkick, before entering the ring to take on Charlie. When the ref attempted to restore some order to proceedings by ordering Charlie and Spamm out of the ring, Charlie nailed him with a Tower of London. The Company and the RDJL proceeded to engage in a brutal brawl, which ended when Shinobi Spade hit Howler with a Full House and Spandex hit Charlie with a Flying Banana Chop and Monkey Drop. Spade then went for a pin, but with the ref still out there was no count. Charlie then hoisted himself to his feet and attack Spandex from behind, hitting him with a double axe handle before spinning him round and hitting him with a Big Business. Spade then hit him with a Deuces Wild, knocking Charlie face first into the mat.

Howler had got to his feet behind Spade, and went for another Wolfman Slam, but Spade reversed that into an Irish whip and Martial Arts Kick before hitting Howler with a Royal Flush. A now revived ref performed a three count to give Spade his first victory, and the jubilant wrestler celebrated in the ring with a still slightly out of it Spandex, as the crowd cheered.


Chris Oakley/Los Monstros Azules vs Joe Mama/Legbreakers

“Rooster” started as both Chris Oakley and Los Monstros Azules made their way to ringside. As they entered the ring, they acknowledged the cheers from the crowd. Those cheers turned to boos as “Sabotage” kicked in and the Legbreakers (no longer for hire) walked down the ramp, stopping at its base. Then “Faded” blasted over the speakers and, as Joe Mama joined his allies, the crowd became hostile. The big Luchadores held the ropes open for their foes as Chris Oakley dared them to enter the ring, but Joe Mama put a hand on each Legbreaker’s shoulder and held them back. Then he pointed to the ref and demanded that he move the Brigadiers back while they entered the ring. With Ian Bond’s men in a neutral corner, the Bastardo Family representatives entered the ring.

Chris Oakley was set to start versus the Bastardo Family but, upon seeing that Winged Creature was starting the match for his team, demanded that Joe Mama be tagged in.

Madman: What does it matter who starts? Let’s get this bloodbath going!

Monroe: Chris Oakley has a score to settle with Joe Mama. Why isn’t he starting the match?

Madman: It’s obviously a plan set up by Louie and Grace to psyche out their opponents. And it’s obviously working – look at Chris! He can barely contain himself!

The bell rang and Winged Creature and Chris Oakley locked up. Chris got the quick advantage with a front face-lock that he used to get behind his opponent and execute a German Suplex. But Wings was able to use the momentum to roll to his feet, duck Chris Oakley’s clothesline, and use Oakley’s momentum off the ropes to execute a Drop Toe Hold that allowed him to stand up and walk across Chris Oakley’s back. Winged Creature then tagged in Stupid Doog.

Madman: More psychological warfare by the Bastardo family!

Monroe: Why tag in Stupid Doog? Why not bring in the Inter-Cunt-Inental Champion? It’s obvious he wants a crack at Chris?

Madman: Joe Mama’s giving his new teammates a chance to get some work in! He wants to help them get rid of the ring rust that’d been plaguing them. Joe Mama is a great ring General!

Monroe: Whatever you say…

Stupid Doog wasted no time, Irish-whipping Chris into a neutral corner and punching him repeatedly.

Madman: Chris Oakley is getting Rabies!

Monroe: Come on, ref! Get them out of the corner!

The ref finally pulled Stupid Doog out of the corner, which gave Chris some breathing time. He tried to crawl to his corner to tag either of the fresh Luchadores, but Stupid Doog grabbed his ankle and dragged him back to the center of the ring. Then he walked to Chris’ corner and spat that both Monstros. As the ref rushed over to keep them out of the ring, Winged Creature helped Stupid Doog double-team Chris Oakley, culminating in the Legbreakers Taking Out The Trash.

Monroe: This is disgusting! The ref obviously can’t keep control! There’s no need for a double-team at this point in the match!

Madman: Why not? Los Monstros would do the same thing if given the chance! I think this is a great way for the Legbreakers to gain some of the Bastardo confidence! They’re working better and more efficiently than they have in weeks!

The ref finally got the Luchadores back in their ring corner and turned to get Winged Creature back in his corner when, suddenly, El Superbeasto ran down the ramp and attacked Senor Perdicion, chopping his knee out from under him and causing him to drop to the floor. The ref turned to yell at the Bastardo’s own Luchador, so Winged Creature ran across the ring to hit the distracted El Daga with an elbow, sending him to the ring floor as well. Stupid Doog tagged in Joe Mama and, as the Legbreakers grabbed Chris Oakleys arms and legs…

Monroe: They’re trying to draw and quarter Chris Oakley!!!

…Joe Mama hit Chris with a Flying Tea Bag Slam. Winged Creature and Stupid Doog turn the ref around to count the pin and the Legbreakers left the ring to assist El Superbeasto with dragging Los Monstros Azules out to the back and continuing the beatings. Meanwhile, as “Faded” played, Joe Mama grabbed a mic and addressed Chris Oakley and the crowd.

JM: Are you satisfied, Chris? Has it finally been driven into your head that you will NEVER defeat the Bastardo Family? Is this what it took, Chris? Did you need to be utterly annihilated while Los Monstros Negros Y Azules could only watch? And your good buddy and protégé, James Fantastic, has finally gotten the hint and left you to face your downfall alone! What a good friend he is! You must be proud!

Joe Mama spits on Chris Oakley.

JM: Understand right now, Chris: we’re done. I’ve beaten you for the Inter-Cunt-Inental Title. I’ve humiliated you in front of these fans. And I’ve stolen away every ounce of pride you’ve ever had. You’re a beaten, broken man and the best thing you can do is retire. But, since you’re so stubborn, let me drive the point home one last time.

Joe Mama lifts Chris’ legs and locks in the Joe Mama-Lock. As the crowd boos, Joe Mama basks in their hatred. He’s so busy gloating at the fans that he doesn’t notice that they’ve started cheering. Captain Sammitch runs down the ramp, slides into the ring and swings his Bo staff, baseball bat-style, at the back of Joe Mama’s head. Joe Mama’s eyes roll back into his head and he slumps to the mat unconscious, breaking the hold on Chris Oakley. Then Captain Sammitch rolls Chris out of the ring and grabs the mic off the mat.

CS: Joe, Joe, Joe. We needed your help all those times, and you turned your back on us. I gave you plenty of chances to make up for stabbing me in the back, and you jumped ship on us for a conniving cheater and his wannabe lackey. Well, Joe, even my patience has limits.

I know you think you're the real deal, and that I'm just a hopeless little wannabe who hides behind my manager and our allies. Well, here's your chance to prove it. I dare you to defend your Inter-Cunt-Inental Title belt against me at Robblemania XXI. Turn me down if you want, but either way, you and I and all the fans will know what you're really made of.

Sammitch landed a parting shot across the back of Joe Mama's head, dropped the mic, and slid out of the ring. 'Let's Get It Started 'blaredthrough the speakers as Sammitch exited to the cheers of the crowd.

Fifteen Minute Challenge: James Fantastic vs King Snarf

"When It All Goes Wrong Again" blasts over the speakers as King Snarf makes his way to the ring. He steps inside and raises the Heavyweight Cheese belt to the booing fans. "Paper Plane" starts playing and the crowd cheers as the "One and Only" James Fantastic runs down the ramp. He quickly climbs the ropes and nails Snarf with a Super-Cool. He then goes back to the ropes and executes The One and Only.

Marcum: What's Jimmy Flipflop doing? He has to last 15 minutes to get a title shot! It's only been two!

Fantastic slides out of the ring and runs up the ramp. Lothar starts counting.

Marcum: Has the ex-Brigadier lost his mind!? He's going to get counted out!

Fantastic disappears as the ref gets halfway through the count, and then bolts back down the ramp with his guitar and a mic. He slides back under the ropes to break the count, and then slides back out, grabs a chair, and renters the ring. Lothar has some words with him, but doesn't interfere with Fantastic since he's not attacking Snarf, still lying in the center of the ring.

Monroe: Buhgawd! I think he's going to sing for us!

Marcum: Oh no. King Snarf! Wake up!

Fantastic finishes setting up the mic and chair, and takes a seat with his guitar in hand.

Fantastic: Ladies and Gentlemen, with King Snarf laid out in the center of the ring, and only being five minutes into the match, I'd like to take some time and sing you some of my favorite songs while we wait for the fifteen-minute clock to wind down.

Marcum: For the love of Gob, someone please stop this!

Fantastic starts to sing “Suspicious Minds” for the cheering fans. Completely engrossed in his performance, he doesn't notice King Snarf start to stir. Suddenly, Snarf tips up to his feet and pulls the chair out from under Fantastic. He then knees him in the face and sets him up for a Bastard-Bomb. Snarf follows it up with a headlock, and Fantastic taps with seven minutes to go on the clock.