RKMBs Forums .::Important::. RDCW RDCW Rehash 04/24/05

'You Really Got Me' plays, and Fantastic makes his way down to the ring, accompanied by Tommy and Meeko. He gets into the ring and holds the ropes open for Meeko, whilst Tommy climsb in over the top rope

JF: Hello, and welcome to Rehash! Tonight, you will see a Bastardo slapping that is long overdue! WHOO!

Huge Pops from the crowd, several of whom echo Fantastic's trademark cry

JF: Now, As a little entertainment prior to our victory, I'd thought I'd dish out a few choice words to a certain scum bag!

Suddenly, Tommy leaves the ring and grabs Marcum, bundling him into the ring. Marcum cowers as Fantastic grins

JF: This...man, if you want to strecth the phrase, spends most of his time drooling over young women! And when he's not doing that, he's cheering on every hack and bastard in the RDCW!

There is a dangerous pause, as Marcum cowers like a big girl

JF: Know what, Marcum? You're an asshole.

Fantastic laughs at Marcum and leaves as his music kicks in. Tommy and Meeko folow him, but Tommy looks more than a little put out by Fantastic's stunt

As a visibly frightened Marcum staggers back to the broadcast table,the camera fades to the Bond Brigade locker room,where Ian Bond and Los Monstruos Azules are helping Chris Oakley gear up for his Triple Threat Eurotrash Title match against Nowhereman and El Superbeasto. Ian has an admiring grin on his face as Chris goes through his workout paces.

IAN:Well,old sport,I must confess that your little gambit appears to be paying off.
CHRIS:Sit tight,Ian--the real payoff's going to come later tonight when I beat Nowhereman and El Superbeasto to win the Eurotrash title. And from there,the sky's the limit.
SENOR PERDICION:Just promise me one thing,Senor Oakley:when the match is over,let me help you take off El Superbeasto's mask so we can show his true cowardly face to the whole world.
EL DAGA:That hijo de puta is overdue for his comeuppance!
CHRIS:Speaking of comeuppances,I can't wait to see the look on Joke Mama's face when I walk up to him and show him my newly-won Eurotrash belt...it'll drive him up the wall. Not to mention how much it'll piss off the rest of the Bastardos. Which reminds me....I have a little message I want to deliver to JM before his title match.

Chris takes a cardboard sign with something written on it in black magic marker;he holds it up and the camera zooms in. As the shot focuses in tightly on the sign,we see the short and blunt inscription:JOE MAMA IS A TRANSVESTITE.

*Back at ringside, and the ring appears to have been converted into a Lounge type area. Louie Bastardo and the Legbreakererses are sitting at a mini-bar having drinks. Ariel appears to be working behind the bar. Louie pics up the mic and begins to speak.

"Welcome to the first ever Louie's Lounge segment!"

*Crowd booes heavily, almost overpowering Louie's voice.

"Why Louie's Lounge? Because I decided that the RDCW was getting a little boring, and needed something to spice it up a bit."

*Louie smirks as the crowd booes again.

"Now my first guests here at this special Rehash edition of Louie's Lounge, are none other than the Family's opponents tonight and the scumbags who kidnapped me two weeks ago, not to mention a couple of them just assaulting my good friend Madman Marcum,. . ."

Marcum: "It was assault! I'm calling my lawyer on Jimmy Faboo! I'm an announcer, not a wrestler!"

". . .S. . .D . . .6!"

*SD6's music begins to play and the crowd cheers heavily at first, until they realize it is NOT SD6 making their way to ringside, but the remaining members of the Family, dressed as SD6.

King Snarf is PinkyWing, Joe Mama is Captain Sammsabitch, Grace is Shreiko, Sneaky Bunny is Yuraho, Johnny Evil is Jimmy Faboo, and Superbeasto is One-Nut Tommy.

Monroe: "That's not SD6! What is the Family up to now?"

"Shreiko" has a mic and with a noticeably exaggerated limp, walks up to Louie and speaks: "Please, Mr. Bastardo, I know I'm not much of a wrestler," *Crowd booes heavily as Grace looks out at them and smirks"And even less of a manager," *Crowd continues booing heavily. "but if you could just understand our jealously and frustration at not being able to beat the Family in the ring. Please don't sue us, Mr. Bastardo."

Louie: "Well, honey, I'm not sorry, but my lawyers are already sending indictments towards each and every one of you. And I'm pretty sure that little Jimmy Faboo will have extra trouble for his actions already here tonight."

"Shreiko": "Well, if my testimony won't convince you, maybe I can convince you in the back later tonight. But first, here's a guy who wouldn't even have a career if I hadn't conned him into letting me own him like a slave, PinkyWing!"

*PinkyWing takes the mic, almost ripping it away from Shreiko and points to his hockey jersey. "PinkyWing": "You know, there's only one thing I like more than wrestling! And that's hockey! In fact, I like hockey so much, that I tried to get the Doctor to alter the rules of RDCW to incorporate a more hockey like atmosphere! Then he kicked me out of the CheeseDome again!" *The crowd is really on Snarf now, for his PenWing impersonation. "Now I don't know how I survived against Snarf at RobbleMania, or even what a jobber like myself was doing in the main event, but somehow I have gotten a rematch with him tonight in a Hell in a Cell match!" *Crowd cheers for the match as Snarf begins to laugh. Joe Mama urges him on. "Well, I'm sorry, but you're not going to see that match tonight, because to show my solidarity with my NHL brethren, I too am going on strike!" *Crowd is yelling at Snarf now, and an old woman in the front row throws her soda at him. He ducks out of the way. "Yes, I am going on strike. It certainly has nothing to do with the fact that otherwise, King Snarf would certainly end my career with the headlock! I'm just supporting my NHL brothers. I'm not afraid of Snarf! Really! He. . .He isn't here, is he?" *"PinkyWing worriedly looks around the ring a bit before speaking again. "And now, I'd like to hand the mic to a guy who certainly, if he wasn't here, I would still be a Hardcore Porn champion today, if not for his grandstanding and self centered efforts, Captain Sammsabitch!"

*Joe Mama as "Captain Sammsabitch" greedily takes the mic."It's about time we got to me! I'm the star here! I'm the leader of SD6! PinkyWing is my girlfriend, uh, I mean Shreiko! Shreiko is my girlfriend!" *Crowd rips into Joe Mama while the rest of the Family laughs at his antics. He speaks again.
"Joe Mama, can you see me? (holds up hands) Do you see these finely manicured hands? My newly-frosted hairstyle? Lemme tell you, I got a pedicure, too! Because tonight I'm gonna kick your butt and I wanna look good doing it! Because there's nothing more I like than a good manicure and pedicure! Except a good frosting. And selling out my ethics and morals to these fans by compromising everything I believe in and committing a felony! When you face me tonight, it won't just be me you'll be wrestling! You'll be up against me, Meeko, the rest of SD-6, and everyone else I could beg to help me! Because I want your title and, if I can't do it by myself, I'll get as many people as I can to help me!!! It's all about ME!"

*At that moment, Johnny Evil as "Jimmy Faboo" grabs the mic from "Sammsabitch" and speaks: "I used to be a Bastardo, but my big mouth got me fired! WHOOO!!! So I joined up with Ian Bond, but I couldn't win a match with him! WHOO!!! So I quit and joined SD-6 because they're not about titles, they're about friendship and loyalty. WHOO!!! And I'm a true-blue loyal friend! WHOO!!! Just ask King Snarf...uh, no...Chris Oak...uh...just ask anyone I hang out with now! WHOOO!!! I'm a loyal buddy ol' pal ol' chum...trust me!!! WHOO!!! Hey, I wonder if Nowhereman needs a lackey! WHOOO!!! I'm a glorified ring rat! WHOOO!!! In fact, here's my latest friend of the moment, One-Nut Tommy! WHOO!!"

*El Superbeasto as "One-Nut Tommy" takes the mic and begins to speak. It is blatantly obvious that he attempting to do a Chicago accent and failing. He is also reading tiny cue cards from his hand. The Family, and despite their hatred the crowd too, is laughing out loud. "I like PinkyWing. . .looks at cue card"I like hockey and Eskimo kisses. . .with PinkyWing. . . I don't wanna be bad guy. . .I don't wanna win titles. . .I just want friends. . .I win title for friends and not challenge them. . .Ever. I am One-Nut Tommy, The Friendly Goon. . .friendliest goon you ever know. . .Let's be pals..."

*Sneaky Bunny as Yuraho then grabs the mic from "Tommy." She is wearing an old worn out bathrobe and looks like the chick from the "China Girl" video."I am Yuraho. I am most honored that fellow SD6 members allow me to challenge for Women's Booby title. Especially after they not give Sneaky Bunny same privilege." *Crowd is booing heavily again, as Bunny laughs at them and momentarily breaks character as if she's going to flash them. She doesn't. "Honorable Shreiko, Sammsabitch, and PinkyWing were kind enough to befriend Yuraho and Tommy, after we were fired by Bastardo-San for not getting job done. Also were kind enough to let us live in dog house behind their home with Jimmy Faboo. Such good friends they are to us."

*JE as "Jimmy Faboo" leans over and speaks into the mic. "I'm not paper trained! WHOO!!!" *He runs around the ring a bit and plays air guitar before Winged Creature playfully hits him, and JE falls to the ground as if he's just been hit with a steel chair.

*The Family members completely lose it and burst out laughing amongst themselves. Louie speaks again. "SD6, and anyone else who wants to go after the Family, realize what you're dealing with, a combination of brains, brawn, and yes even beauty, that just can't be matched. We are the cream of the crop. And tonight, you're gonna be wiped out. Because as Charles Manson and Archie Bunker used to say. . .It's all in the Family!" *The Family congratulate themselves again as Ennio Morricone's "Ecstasy of Gold" begins to play. . .

Chesty Larou is backstage with Slick Willie Williams.

Chesty: Mr. Williams, last week on Havoc you sent the Company out to attack the Dark Lords during the TLC match. Why didn't you also take the opportunity to avenge SD-6 for implicating you in the Louie Bastardo kidnapping?

Slick: Mah pappy always used tah say that ya can't drill for oil on someone else's property. Vengeance on SD-6 belongs tah Louie Bastardo. Should Louie require mah Company's services, well, Ah am a businessman. Mah pappy also used tah say that ya gotta finish what ya start. Tonight, we will finish what we started with the Dark Lords, one way or the othah.

Chesty: And then?

Slick: And then we take those golden belts away from SD-6, bah any means necessary. What they did to Louie Bastardo was brilliant. Ah have tah admit that. And they got us pretty good. But they made another enemy, and this one is all about gettin' down to business. Speakin' of which, how would you like to make a few extra bucks, darlin'?

Chesty: Mr. Williams, I'm not that kind of girl!

Slick: Darlin', Ah would never insult your honah like that. What Ah meant to say is, could you please delivah this envelope to Louie Bastardo? Ah would do it mahself but Ah have other things to attend to at this time.

Chesty: Oh! I would be happy to, Mr. Williams.

Slick: Good. Please, stop by the Company office later so Ah can write you up a check. Oh, and darlin', call me Slick.

Chesty: All right, Slick.

Chesty takes the envelope and walks off. Slick watches her walk down the hall, admiring her form.

Back in the ring, the crowd are treated to a blast of indeterminate (and extremely crappy) music, and a man comes out in a suit that looks like an extremely cheap imitation of Bill Williams' wardrobe

Marcum: Hey, I know this guy! He's BFL from the Worst Wrestling Ever! He's an asshole!

BFL: Hello, lowly worms of the RDCW! I am BFL, and I AM A WRESTLING GOD! That's right, a god! Even though I lost my one and only championship to John Spinner, a failed rapper!

Boos, and cries of 'you're a Fuckin' Loser!

BFL: Yeah, yeah. Dumb Bums! I came out here tonight to challenge any of your boys to a match, just to prove that I'm better than Cripple H!

Cries of He sucks too!

BFL: Any of your boys, or even better girls, can come out right now and challenge me! Come on, ya dumb bums! Feel the power of my bitch-slap from Wall Street!

La Grange plays, and Howler and The Highwayman make their way down to the ring

Howler: You know what, boy? You just got yourself a deal!

BFL tries to speak, but Howler cuts him off

Howler: Shut the hell up! This ain't just ANY match we're challenging you too.

BFL: But I'M challenging...

Howler: Didn't I just say to shut up? As I was saying, we're challenging you to an Asylum Rules Tornado Tag Match! That's right, The Inmates are running the asylum!

The crowd cheers, and BFL looks really nervous

BFL: Ermmm...MUMMY! No, that's not right. How about MERCY!

The crowd laughs at BFL, and Highwayman and Howler grin evilly

BFL: Now I've got it! BOYS, COME ON DOWN!

A trio of 'wrestlers' come running down to the ring. Two are bald and overweight, and the third is black and weedy. They get into the ring, after much effort, and face off with Howlerama

Highwayman: Is this it? I could take all three of you lot on as a light warm-up!

BFL: Hey, this is my cabinet! The mightiest bunch of wrestlers in The Worst Wrestling Ever!

Highwayman: And that's not saying much either!

'Start Me Up' Plays, and Charlie comes running down as The Company beat down the Cabinet. Highwayman hits a Corporate Sponsor on the Black Guy whilst Howler and Charlie pound the fat blokes. Eventually The Company grab all threee blokes and hit Triple Big Businesses, and BFL wets himself

Highwayman: Well, that was a refreshing work-out! Time to take out the big guy! Or should I say, Big Fucking Loser!

|BFL wets himself again, and The Company share a disgusted look before going for him. BFL goes to slap Howler, but the big man grabs him and hoists him across his shoulders, where he hits The Chief, leaving him stunned on the mat La Grange hits the sound system, and The Company leave the arena, leaving the soundly beaten cabinet lying in the ring

*But as the Company head backstage, they are ambushed by the Dark Lords, brandishing large motorcycle chains! Grimm and Darth attack the Company men with the chains, wrapping them around the necks of Charlie, Howler, and Highwayman! Leaning into the Company's faces, Grimm speaks in a low voice: "You boys need to learn to finish the fight in front of you before starting another one. I told Slick Willie there would be no mercy. Now it's time for you to learn what Asylum Rules is all about!"

*With that, the Dark Lords begin dragging their foes into the recesses of the CheeseDome!

Backstage, we see James Fantastic walking down the corridor, alone. Suddenly, Spandex Monkey Man drops down in front of him

JF: Whoa, there, buddy! Scared me for a second there.

SMM: Really? Must remember that one! Dropping off ceiling is scary!

Fantastic rolls his eyes

JF: Right, yeah. Hey, did you see that stunt I pulled earlier on Marcum? Man, that ruled!

SMM: Yeah, quite. That's what I wanted to speak to you about...

Spamm suddenly hits Fantastic with a Spandex Monkey Slam. Two Ton Tommy appears, dashing down the corridor to help his tag team partner, but Spamm hits him with a Spandex Superkick

SMM: Now, I'm about Justice. And, well, would you classify bullying an announcer as just? SPANDEX MONKEY MAN!!!!

After a quick promo for the next RDCW pay-per-view,we see King Snarf Rules pestering Chris Oakley backstage as he puts on his gear for the triple threat Eurotrash title match against El Superbeasto and Nowhereman.

KSR:C'mon,Chris,just two minutes...
CHRIS(scowling):Get lost,you little toad.I have a title to win and a Bastardo family member to destroy.
KSR(chortling):You really think you can beat the mightly gladiator the world knows as El Superbeasto?Not to mention the reigning Eurotrash champion Nowhereman?
CHRIS:You mean NoBRAINman,don't you?Now I'm telling you one more time,go away or you'll be the first victim of my newest signature move.
KSR:And that would be....?

Meaningful pause

CHRIS:Snuff the Rooster.

Without warning,Chris clamps KSR in a sleeper hold tighter than Callista Flockhart's belt loops.In a matter of seconds,the RDCW interviewer is out cold.Chris pins a note to his back reading "YOU'RE NEXT,SUPERBEASTO" and carries KSR off towards the Bastardo Family dressing room.

*Back at ringside, Madman Marcum is talking on his cellphone.

Mike Monroe: "What are you doing? We're in the middle of a pay per view!"

Marcum: "Quiet! I'm in an important conference call with Louie Bastardo and "Slick" Bill Williams! Jimmy Faboo, I hope you've got a good lawyer! You're gonna need one!"

Backstage Fat Retard is interviewing Nowhereman!

FR:"Buhgawd Nowhereman,you have a title defense tonight in a three way match with Chris Oakley & El Superbeasto. When you accepted Oakleys challenge,buhgawd,did you realise that your title would be on the line,and does it bother you?"

NM:"Firstly FR,you know that I really dont give two shits about title belts right now,so quite frankly I couldnt give a toss that my belt is on the line. Secondly,the simple fact is neither El Stupidbreasto or Chris Jokely has what it takes to beat me one on one,and this is the only way either of them would have a chance of beating me!"

FR:"So do you expect them to gang up on you?"

NM:"No,not really,but I would expect you to see then try to pin each other rather than trying to pin me,as lets face it,they'd both have more chance of an easy win that way!"

FR:"Oakley is no longer in the Bastardo family,yet you still seem to harbor some animosity towards him bugawd!"

NM:"I wouldnt call it animosity exactly. I might call it pity. I might call it disgust. I might even call it a disliking,but I wouldnt say it was animosity!"

FR:"So do you have any last words for your opponents.....DROP TOE HOLD?"

NM:"For El Stupidbreasto,theres no point as I am not even sure he understands the English language,and for Jokely,I got two words for ya........GOT MILK?"

Nowhereman slams his mic into Fat Retards chest,and walks off!

<The lights dim and the beat of "We Will Rock You" blasts over the speakers. The words "Sudden Death starts now!" appear on the Cheese-o-tron and reshape into "SD-6" as the crowd cheers and begins clapping to the beat. The screen then shows the words "Last Week" and a video starts.>

The Tag Team Donkey Lovin' belts were raised to the rafters, and the bell sounded.

Buddy you're a boy make a big noise
Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day

The Legbreakererses immediately took out the trash on Sammitch, and Joe Mama gave PenWing the Eastcoast Hammer.

You got mud on yo' face
You big disgrace

Joe and Snarf then turned to Captain Sammitch, who nailed both of them with a chair.

Kickin' your can all over the place

The Dark Lords lifted up the Legbreakers and chokeslammed them through the tables outside the ring.

Singin'
'We will we will rock you

PenWing surprised Grimm with a low blow kick to the groin as he walked over him, and Sammitch hit him with the chair.

We will we will rock you'

Darth began to swing PenWing out for the Darkside Slam, but PenWing grabbed Darth's head, using Darth's own strength to deliver a momentous Sudden Death.

Buddy you're a young man hard man
Shoutin' in the street gonna take on the world some day

PenWing speared Doog with the ladder, drawing blood. Winged Creature came up behind PenWing and hit him with a chair.

You got blood on yo' face
You big disgrace

Joe clotheslined Sammitch out of the ring. He then whipped Sammitch into the ring steps, cutting him open on the ring post.

Wavin' your banner all over the place

Grimm grabbed Snarf, delivering a Kobe Special off the ladder and through the table.

'We will we will rock you'

Winged Creature ran at Darth, leaping into the air for a cross body, but Darth was ready to catch him. Grimm suddenly returned to his feet.

Singin'
'We will we will rock you'

Standing on top of the Spanish announce table, Darth locked his hold on Creature and Grimm leapt off the corner turnbuckle, connecting on the spike piledriver.

Buddy you're an old man poor man
Pleadin' with your eyes gonna make you some peace some day

Howlerama repeatedly hit the Dark Lords with steel chairs.

You got mud on your face
You big disgrace

Howlerama handed over the Big Bucks to the Dark Lords, right through the tables.

Somebody better put you back into your place

Sammitch summoned all of his strength and knocked the ladder over, sending Joe flying to the ground outside the ring.

'We will we will rock you'

Sammitch climbed the corner ropes and jumped off, delivering a 360 splash with the chair to Joe Mama.

Singin'
'We will we will rock you'

As PenWing began to stand up, Snarf tried to kick him. PenWing ducked, and Snarf almost lost his balance, but quickly recovered.

Everybody
'We will we will rock you'

Snarf then turned back to PenWing, who connected a Spin-o-rama to Snarf's face, sending him flying off the ladder

'We will we will rock you'

PenWing grabbed the belts to retain the Donkey Lovin' tag team championship and the rest of SD-6 came out to the ring to celebrate with the tag champs.

Alright

<The lights come back on and Captain Sammitch, PenWing, and Meeko are standing in the ring. The Donkey Lovin' Champs are wearing their belts and PenWing is holding his Sherwood high above them. PenWing is back to the red and white Gordie Howe ring gear, and he has a mic.>

PenWing: So, I'm a jobber? Tell me something, Champ. Are you sure you want to admit that the only person between you and the Donkey Lovin' belts was a jobber? That's right, Champ. It was this jobber who kicked your ass back down to earth last Tuesday night. You were inches from victory, Champ. All you had to do was reach up and take possession of the Donkey Lovin' belts. But you lost focus. You looked over, and you saw me, standing right there, right next to you. And instead of winning the game, you chose to drop the gloves. I talk about Sudden Death rules. You broke them. You had the winning shot, and you didn't take it. You couldn't take it. You had to take one more shot at me. You had to choke. That's right, Champ, you choked. You've become complacent. You hide behind mommy and daddy, and hope that you don't have to actually do anything, because when it's all on the line, you know you don't have what it takes to get the job done. You can't finish what you started. So I will.

<Huge pops from the crowd. PenWing hands the mic to Meeko.>

Meeko: I understand Louie Bastardo has been frantically working with his lawyers to file the paperwork necessary to take us to court.

<Booes are heard from the crowd.>

Meeko: Louie, really, do you think we're that stupid? Do you think we would pull a stunt like this if we knew we would have to pay outside the ring? Save yourself some time and money, because you can't take us to court. What you forget, Louie, is that first and foremost, I am a manager. As a manager, I have to know a lot about contracts and, how shall I put this...green cards. As a manager, I also have to be aware of my clients' after-hours activities. And Louie, to say those activities are questionable...is an understatement.

<Cheers from the crowd.>

Meeko: To put it bluntly, Louie, you've got your lawyers and I've got mine. If you really want to duke it out in court, we can play that way. But we'd much rather duke it out right here, in this ring!

<The crowd roars as Meeko passes the mic to Captian Sammitch.>

Sammitch: You know, I'm getting kinda tired of this. How many times do we have to beat you before you'll listen up? I'm a bit concerned here - for your physical and emotional well-beings. PenWing and I took pretty much everything you had to throw at us, and we still came back and defeated you!

<Cheers from the crowd...>

Sammitch: Now Joe, I know what you say you're gonna do to me tonight. Let's be honest. I've taken pretty much everything you've dished out so far. And you've taken everything I've chosen to dish out so far. With all due respect to your abilities, I doubt you have what it takes to destroy me. So why don't you quit wasting your time talking smack and settle for 'may the best man win'? Because that's all this is about. I don't hate you. I don't hate anyone - all I want to do here is support SD-6, play my part in whatever we have to do, and give the fans a great show. If this is about more than that to you, you're barking up the wrong tree. Bring your A-game tonight, because I'm bringing mine. I'm tired of both of us destroying ourselves over this ridiculous feud. Let's settle this thing and get on with our lives!

<"Gonna Fly Now" plays over the speakers as the trio exit the ring.>

*Backstage, the Crotch is with El Superbeasto, Louie Bastardo, and Grace.

Crotch: "We've heard from Chris Oakley, we've from the EuroTrash Champion Nowhereman, and now here's what the third participant in tonight's open challenge match has to say!"

El Superbeasto (grabbing the mic and engulfing Crotch's hand with it): "Chris Oakley. Senor Bastardo has directed me to finish you off tonight. Your friends, those two putas Los Azules still have not returned to the ring since I destroyed them at RobbleMania. They are finished. You are finished. You disrespected lucha libra and luchadores with your actions on Havoc. Now, I will disrespect you."

Crotch: "What about Nowhereman?"

El Superbeasto: "Nowhereman is what his name says. He is nowhere. He is nothing. I will walk through him and bring the EuroTrash title where it belongs. . .to Senor Bastardo and the Family!"

Back in the Bond Brigade dressing room,Chris scowls in contempt at El Superbeasto's picture on the monitor in the corner beside his locker.

Dream on,chump.

DCMB Title: Champion MisterJLA vs URG

Madman Marcum is seen ready to approach JLA. Marcum is covering his johnson, as he is obviously afraid of saying the wrong thing, and getting hit with the Final Justice

MM: Uh...JLA, tonight you are facing URG, for the DCMB Title. What are your thoughts?

JLA: Funny you should ask. For the second time, I'm facing someone who struggles with the process of thinking. For my first title defense here, I fought the moronic Hulk. Now URG.

URG, I hope you am listening, because am tonight I am going to am kick your am ass am. Cretin.

MM: Do you think URG isn't smart enough to wrestle you?

JLA: Exactly. I'm the thinking man's champion. When the Hulk had me on the ropes, I outsmarted him to defend my title. Pig Iron gave me a good fight too, but my brilliance was the deciding factor. URG may be a tough caveman, but in a battle of wits with me, he's overmatched. Not to take anything away from me, but he'd be overmatched in a battle of wits with a can opener.

It takes more than caveman strength to be a champion...a real champion like myself. For close to five years, I was undefeated at the DCMB. I unified several championships to create the title you see today. A Cro-Magnon like URG could have never had the foresight to accomplish what I did, so he naturally can't take away my title.

MM: So you're predicting a win?

JLA: Of course. My opponent may land a few shots, but all I need is to land one: one Final Justice and I'm walking away with my belt, just as I always do.

I have to get going. My legions and legions of fans are waiting for me, and for some reason, I'm scheduled to take the ring first tonight. Where I come from, the champ is always introduced last, but in this Mickey Mouse league, URG has top billing over me. Do you know why that is?

MM: <Trying to hide a smirk> No, champ. I have no idea.

JLA: I guess that figures.

MisterJLA's music hits, which is really Rob's theme music, which is really a rip-off of Killer Instinct's theme music. JLA walks down to the ring, and using his great reflexes, ducks numerous thrown soda cups and other debris.

He hears something behind him, whirls around, and gets clocked in the head with a caveman club! It's URG, and he has bloodied the champ with a vicious shot to the skull with an overhead swing of his club!

Guest referee PJP separates the two, but the damage has been done! JLA is sprawled out in front of the ring, with blood flowing from his head!

PJP orders URG back to his dressing room. He then makes a special announcement: In light of the circumstances, the match will now be a no-DQ event! The title is still up for grabs, and the match must now start, according to RDCW rules!

URG storms the ring, with his club in hand! As JLA struggles to his feet, he gets hit in the stomach with the weapon! JLA is now doubled over, and URG drives the club into his back, sending JLA to the mat!

JLA grabs a hold of the ropes, and uses all of his strength to pull himself up. URG knows this is the moment that will decide the match. He backs up, and runs full speed at JLA. He raises the club over his head, and brings it down...

But JLA has caught it!



As URG tries desperately to regain control of the club, JLA lands the Final Justice!



URG crumples to the mat, and JLA falls to the side of the challenger, his right arm landing on top URG.

1...2...3

PJP raises JLA's arm, and JLA has survived another close match.

Post Match

MisterJLA wraps the DCMB Title around his waist, grabs a microphone, and hold three fingers in the air.

“3-0! 3-0! I’m undefeated in the RDCW!”

“I’ve learned a valuable lesson, too. I learned that it pays to have allies. Today I got jumped because no one is watching out for me.”

“Also, since I’m dominating the singles division, I’ve just decided it’s time to move on to another challenge.”

“I want to be a Tag Team Champion. I will still defend my DCMB Title, but only once a month. My new focus is tag team wrestling.”

“And for my partner, I chose the contemptible Captain Howdy!”


PJP vs Balls Nasty

Monroe: PJP dominated the match early as his thirst for revenge fueled his attack on Balls Nasty. With Rex cheering him on, PJP looked unstoppable. But, as he was ready to set up the PJPDriver, Bill Williams led the Company down the ramp. Outnumbered, Rex stood no chance against Howlerama outside of the ring, and they laid him out with a Hostile Takeover. Meanwhile, Charlie slid into the ring and hit PJP with the Tower of London. The ref called the match, but that didn't stop Balls Nasty from getting back to his feet and punishing PJP the Kentucky Falls. Balls and Charlie then stared at each other for a moment before Charlie exited the ring and the Company headed back up the ramp.


Hardcore Porn Title: Wednesday vs Captain Howdy

Madman: Wednesday is killed by a giant wasp but manages to win because of a technicality that says no matter how the match ends, only a person named after a day of the week can win today!

Narrator: Actually…

Monroe: Captain Howdy wasted no time bringing the fight to Wednesday. With no ring rust, it looked like Captain Howdy would win the Hardcore Porn Title from the Champion. But Wednesday was able to weather the worst of his opponent’s attacks and use a reversed Irish whip to execute a See You Next Tuesday. Wednesday wasted no time in using Seven days to pick up the win and retain his title. However, the bell had barely rung when MisterJLA blindsided Wednesday and hit him with Final Justice. TK-069 ran out to help his teammate, but MisterJLA and Captain Howdy had escaped…

Lightweight Faggot Title: Johnny Evil vs Spandex Monkey Man

Johnny Evil made his way down to the ring first, accompanied by Ariel. SPAMM then hit the ring, driving down in his Monkeymobile before parking it ringside. He then rolled into the ring, but Johnny started attacking him before the bell had even rung, pummeling him with a steel chair before hauling him upright and setting him up for the Making of Flubber.

Marcum: This match is over before it's even begun!

However Spandex Monkey Man reversed this move, grabbing the chair and spinning round before slamming it over Johnny's head. As Johnny went down the bell rang, and the match officially began!

SPAMM initially ignored Evil, instead grabbing Ariel and performing a Super-Slam on her. He then hoisted her onto the turnbuckle and hit a Spandex Monkey Slam off the turnbuckle to the arena floor, with a cry of 'THAT'LL keep you from interfering!'

However, Johnny had managed to get back to his feet, and as SPAMM turned back to his foe Johnny hit him with a vicious series of martial arts moves before whipping him into the ropes and hitting him with a back elbow smash. Johnny then climbed the turnbuckle and hit The Skyway to Tomorrowland, but his subsequent pin only achieved a count of 1 before SPAMM kicked out. SPAMM then climbed the turnbuckle himself and hit a Missile Dropkick, knocking Johnny to the mat. SPAMM then hit a Super-Splash before locking in a Monkey Wrench, but Johnny crawled to the ropes and secured a rope break.

Johnny's superior height and strength then came to the fore, as he proceeded to dominate the match, slamming SPAMM around before setting him up for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. However SPAMM wriggled free and hit a Spandex Monkey Slam. The superhero then went to perform a Supersault, but Johnny rolled out of the way and SPAMM crashed to the mat.

Johnny lifted him up and set him up for The Making of Flubber, but once again Spandex Monkey Man reversed this into a chair shot to Johnny Evil. However The Legbreakers ran down to distract the ref, enraging SPAMM, who left the ring to deal with the pair. This proved to be a mistake, however, as he found himself on the receiving end of a brutal beat down before he was rolled back into the ring, where the Bastardo's executed the same triple team that put him out of action when the RDJL faced off against The Bastardos. It seemed that the match was all over, but somehow Spandex kicked out of the pin on two!

Marcum: WHAT! How on earth did he do that?!?

SPAMM crawled to the ropes and hauled himself up whilst The Bastardos looked on aghast. The Legbreakers recovered their wits and went for SPAMM, but the superhero hit Stupid Doog with a Spandex Superkick before grabbing Winged Creature and hitting him with The Spandex Monkey Slam. As Johnny Evil looked on Spandex then drew himself up to his full height and let out a cry of SPANDEX MONKEY MAN!!!

Monroe: You all know what's coming next folks!

SPAMM then performed The Might of The Monkey, knocking Johnny to the mat with a mighty thud. SPAMM then locked him in a pin, and the ref counted to the three as SPAMM secured the victory over his long-time nemesis and claimed the Lightweight belt. 'Batman' then kicked in and SPAMM hoisted the belt aloft to the cheers of the crowd.


Triple Threat Eurotrash Title Match: Nowhereman vs Chris Oakley vs El Superbeasto

Del Castillo's "Back From the Grave" cues up as Louie Bastardo leads the Giant Luchador down to ringside for the triple threat/EuroTrash title match. As the Giant and Louie prepare in ring, the music switches to Alice in Chains' "Rooster" as Chris Oakley and Ian Bond make their way to the ring. Smoldering, Oakley glares at his enormous foe, as Ian Bond attempts to regain his charge's attention.

Oakley pushes him aside and pounces on the giant, peppering with lefts and rights. Bond and Bastardo slide out to the ring floor as the match begins early. El Superbeasto shrugs off Oakley's blows and hits him with a Giant Headbutt, knocking him backwards onto the mat.

Metallica's "Creeping Death" begins to play as Nowhereman rides into the CheeseDome arena on his chopper, EuroTrash title draped over the front of the bike. Driving all the way down to ringside, Nowhereman sends both managers scurrying for safety as he nearly runs them over.

Nowhereman slides into the ring under the bottom rope and gets in both challengers faces: "Cunts!" Oakley and El Superbeasto kick him in the midsection,

Fat Retard: "STERNUM! THE STERNUM!"

And Oakley goes for a Lock N Load, but El Superbeasto grabs him by the throat. The Giant Luchador grabs Nowhereman with the other hand, and chokeslams both men at the same time!"

Monroe: "Oh my Gob!"

El Superbeasto taunts his foes while Louie yells for him to "Go for the pin! Go for the pin!" El Superbeasto attempts to pin Nowhereman, who kicks out at two. Picking the EuroTrash Champion up, El Superbeasto goes for a double-underhook suplex, but is halted by Oakley who hits a missile dropkick from the top rope!

Fat Retard: "POWERBOMB!"

Monroe & Marcum:

As Oakley mocks the Luchador (now on the mat), Nowhereman nails him from behind with an inverted DDT! Nowhereman picks Oakley up and whips him into the ropes and nails a Fucking Cuntline. Oakley hits the mat as El Superbeasto drops a Giant Elbow on the Bond Brigadier.

Nowhereman kicks the giant in the face and attempts to lock in the Crippler Cuntface on the giant beast. El Superbeasto fights his way out of it, and grabs Nowhereman, swinging him around and delivering multiple Giant Headbutts! Dazed, Nowhereman falls back into the corner as Oakley pounces on the giant Luchador, attempting to lock in a sleeper hold.

El Superbeasto flips him off onto the mat in the center of the ring and begins preparing for a GiantSault!

Monroe: "If he hits this. . ."

Marcum: "It's over! El Superbeasto's about to bring the EuroTrash title home to the Family!"

El Superbeasto bounces off the ropes, but is halted by Nowhereman who locks in a…

Fat Retard: "DROP TOEHOLD!"

Tripping up the giant and sending him crashing down to the mat on top of Oakley! Nowhereman leaps onto the pile of bodies, and Oakley's shoulders are counted down by the referee. "Creeping Death" cues up again as Nowhereman snatches the belt from the ref and starts up his bike again, riding out of the arena while Louie Bastardo and Ian Bond attempt to collect their charges.


Dark Lords vs The Company

Asylum Rules Matches are always extreme, and this one was no exception, as The Company took on The Dark Lords in a brawl that ranged all over the Cheese-Dome.

The match started deep in the bowels of the Cheese-Dome, as The Dark Lords had ambushed The Company earlier in the night and dragged them there. However The Company came roaring back, as Howlerama downed Darth with a Hostile Takeover whilst Charlie and Grimm battled it out. Charlie's famous toughness was much in evidence as Grimm cut him open with a 138 before smashing his nose in with a Crapping Wizard and still could not slow down the Company Pitbull. Eventually Howler came to his aid, hitting Grimm with a Big Business before Darth grabbed them both and hit them with a double Sabre-Slam.

The action then split. Howler, Charlie and Grimm remained where they were, whilst Highwayman and Darth took their brawl to the car park. There, Darth used his superior size and strength to dominate, slamming Highwayman around before picking him up and Sabre-Slamming him onto the Bastardo Limousine.

Marcum: That's outrageous! Darth just vandalized the Bastardo's car!

Highwayman's recent back injuries were aggravated by Darth's attack, and it looked for a while as if medical help would be required, but Highwayman was able to shake off the pain and hit a Corporate Sponsor on Darth before lifting him up and hitting a Big Business on Darth, slamming him into the concrete floor. A white limousine then drove up, and Bill Williams joined the fray wielding a baseball bat.

Meanwhile, the other three participants in the match had made it out onto the street. Howler chained Grimm to a length of park railing, allowing The Company men to dish out some damage, but Grimm wrenched himself free and dealt out a double Flatliner. He then grabbed a nearby trashcan and split Howler open with it, whilst Charlie was already wearing a crimson mask. However, El Superbeasto appeared and hit Grimm with a Chokeslam to Oblivion, allowing The Company to gather their strength and hit Grimm with a double DDT.

Back in the car park Darth was definitely up against it, as Bill Williams and Highwayman worked him over with a variety of weapons. In an attempt to regain his strength Darth headed for the ring, but Bill and The Highwayman gave chase in their limousine. Arriving in the ring just before Darth, Highwayman attacked him with a steel chair before locking in a Five-Leaf Clover. Darth was able to grab a rope to break the hold, but Highwayman simply pulled him to his feet and set him up for a Stand and Deliver. However, at that moment Grimm arrived in the ring, with Howler and Charlie hot on his heels.

As the Company worked over the Dark Lords in the ring, Ennio Morricone's "Ecstasy of Gold" began to play and the Bastardo Family headed down to ringside and join the Company in beating down the Dark Lords!

They chained up Grimm and Darth and started working them over. Howlerama wrapped a chain around Darth's neck and hanged him over the ropes!

Darth's body was tossed over the ring ropes, as Highwayman hung him with the motorcycle chain, still wrapped around the Dark Lord's neck! Darth struggled to escape as Howler, Charlie, and the Legbreakers pounded on him outside the ring.

Balls Nasty then made his way down the ramp, as back in the ring, the Family and Company members turned their attention towards Grimm. Ariel tossed Johnny Evil a chair and he hit the Making of Flubber on Grimm! Then Superbeasto picked him up and delivered the Chokeslam to Oblivion! Balls Nasty picked him up and delivered a Camero Cut! Charlie hit him with a Tower of London! Stupid Doog and Winged Creature nailed him with Taking Out the Trash! Joe Mama picked him up and planted him with an East Coast Hammer! Following right up, Snarf landed on Grimm with a Wildsault!

Monroe: "My Gob! This is uncalled for! This isn't a match, it's an assault!"

Marcum: "They asked for it by constantly interfering in other people's business!"

Monroe: "How did they ask for this? No one asks for a beating like this!"

It looked like the end for the Dark Lords when Captain Sammitch and PenWing came barreling down the ramp with kendo sticks and Sherwoods at the ready. The rest of SD-6 followed them, and the group immediately made its presence felt, as pieces of wood began flying everywhere. Nowhereman and Captain Howdy joined in the fray as well, before RDCW officials and security guards separated the participants.

General Manager the Doctor conferred with Senior Official Lothar before deciding that the match would be ruled a draw as it became too out of control to continue

Interlude

Monroe: Well, folks, so far it’s been one HELL of a night!

Madman: You said it, Monroe! The Family/Company alliance! Balls Nasty joining the Company! Spandex Monkey Man’s improbably upset over the great Johnny Evil…

Monroe: I don’t think “improbable” is really the word, Marcum…

Madman: Well, call it what you want, Monroe, but I think…

The announcers are interrupted as the Cheese-O-Tron comes to life. The fans see the image of the same familiar-looking office as from a month or so ago. Sitting behind the desk is a familiar-looking man. Behind him is an image of the “RDCW” logo, crossed out. There’s a nameplate that says “RDCW Owner & CEO” on it.

Off-Camera Voice: Okay…you’re on sir!

Billionaire Vince: Ladies and Gentlemen…fans of the RDCW…and I use those titles as mutually exclusive…let me re-introduce myself. I am the richest man in Sports Entertainment. I am the man who owns the biggest “wrasslin’” promotion in the world. And, within one moth’s time, I will be Owner and CEO of the RDCW!!!

The fans are booing.

BV: You see, a few months ago, I came to your owner, Rob Kamphoos…Kamfoh…Kampy…dammit(!!!), I went to ROB(!!!)…and offered him a sizeable amount for this promotion that is infringing on my fans and making me and mine look pretty damn foolish! He refused – rather rudely – and told me that the RDCW wasn’t for sale!!!

The fans are cheering and chanting “BOBO!!!”

BV: But I’m not a man who takes no for an answer. Not from my competitors. Not from my family. And certainly not from that 15-year-old Thai boy with the pretty mouth and nice, tight…

OC: SIR!!!

BV: (regains focus) Uh, sorry. My point is this: Your owner and his wrestlers made me look like a damn idiot a while ago! You made my son-in-law look stupider than he already does! And, at Havoc, one of your jobbers (the fans chant “CHARLIE!!!) made one of my big studs…oh, he’s so big…so, uh…ahem!!!…made one of my Champions look damned stupid! And I won’t have it!!! I’m a Billionaire, dammit!!! A big, gay, genetic jackhammer of a Billionaire!!! And what I want, I get!!! (Looks off-camera) Get me John Semen and Bitch Status…NOW!!! Daddy wants some love!!!

OC: Yes sir…

As the crowd boos, Billionaire Vince regains his composure.

BV: So consider this the official “hostile takeover” announcement. By the end of May, the RDCW WILL be part of my company! And I will do everything in my power to squash all these wrestlers you love so much in favor of my vision of “Sports Entertainment”! And I’ll hold you ALL in my little hands!!!

He holds up a pair of Barbie doll hands. His eyes gleam as he stares down at them.

BV: All mine…you’ll all be mine…Enjoy the month, you idiots because, by the end of May, you all be INVADED(!!!)…by the Worst…Wrasslin’…EVER!!!

The picture cuts out

Monroe: People, we’re sorry about that. Don’t believe everything you hear.

Madman: I’m sure our boss, the Phenomenal Rob Kamphausen, has something planned to combat this potential attack!

Monroe: I’m sure our roster will have something to say about it…

Madman: Uh, Mike? Are we screwed?

Monroe: No…not yet. But Bret and Matt were…

Women’s Boobie Belt Title Match: Sneaky Bunny vs Nuriko

Madman: These two titans of tittie-title tusslin’ gave the moro…fans a match worth watching. The battle went back and forth throughout, and Nuriko actually executed a perfect Hiroshima Mama from the top of a ladder on the Women’s Champion at the halfway point. But Nuriko was slow to get up, allowing Sneaky Bunny to recover and, when Nuriko was halfway up the ladder, Sneaky Bunny hit it with a Bunny Hop, causing Nuriko to get tied up in the ropes. The Bastardo Bunny bludgeoned the SD-6 representative, and then freed her, pulled her to the mat, and executed an East Coast Hammer, softening Nuriko up for Sneaky Bunny’s Taxidermy from the top of another ladder. From there, it was only a matter of climbing the ladder until Sneaky Bunny retained her title. And I loved every damn minute of it!!!


Inter-Cunt-Inental Title Match: Joe Mama vs Captain Sammitch

“Lets Get It Started” played as Captain Sammitch walked out to the cheers and chants of the fans. Bo staff in hand, he walked to the ring where he gave the fans a quick martial arts expo and acknowledged their affection. Just then, “Faded” started up and Joe Mama walked out to the ramp, baseball bat in hand, the crowd jeering. He barely made it halfway down the ramp when the two combatants locked eyes and Joe Mama grimaced, dragging his thumb across his throat. This was enough for Captain Sammitch who ran out of the ring and attacked Joe Mama. Joe dropped his bat and title belt and the two started throwing punches at each other, ignoring any semblance of technical fighting or martial arts.

Monroe: It looks like they’re picking up where they left off! There’s nothing settled between these competitors!

Madman: I think we’re about to see the most brutal match of the night. These two hate each other more than PenWing and King Snarf! More than SPAMM and Johnny Evil!! More than Fat Retard and bathing!!!

Joe Mama Irish whipped Captain Sammitch into the gated barrier between them and the fans, and then followed it up with clothesline, making sure to keep the challenger away from the fans’ side. Captain Sammitch slumped to the base of the gate but, when the Champion tried to drive a boot into his face, had the presence of mind to roll out of the way. Joe Mama’s foot pushed through the grates, trapping his leg. Captain Sammitch took this opening to grab his Bo staff and smack it over Joe Mama’s trapped thigh over and over, causing him to scream in pain and anger.

Monroe: Great move by Sammitch! Capitalize on the Champion’s mistake, and take out the leg! A man who can’t stand can’t win this match!!!

Madman: Joe Mama’s made of stronger stuff than that, Monroe! This match is far from over!!!

Captain Sammitch, on his final staff-shot got too close to his opponent, allowing Joe Mama to grab him by the hair and pull him close. Three head butts to Sammitch’s temple later, the Challenger was stunned, giving the Champion just enough time to free himself. Then the pair continued to trade blows outside the ring. Joe Mama got the upper hand and pushed captain Sammitch into the ring, and then climbed in himself. Once inside, Joe Mama focused on the back of Captain Sammitch’s head and neck, obviously softening him up for an East Coast Hammer or Brain Buster. At one point, Joe Mama actually pulled his opponent up to his feet just so he could grab his face and hair and drive the back of Sammitch’s head to the mat.

Madman: This is the beginning of the end, Monroe!

Monroe: I won’t believe it until I see it!!!

Joe Mama rolled out of the ring to pick up his bat and the Bo staff. Then he walked back into the ring. He looked at each weapon before deciding on the bat and tossing the staff aside. But he’d wasted too much time and Captain Sammitch swept his legs out from under him. Captain Sammitch grabbed his staff and performed a Staff Meeting on Joe Mama, focusing on his ribs and back – a beating so severe that the Champion actually coughed up some blood when the Challenger was finished. Captain Sammitch locked his arms around Joe’s torso, tightening his grip on the ribcage, and executed five German Sammitch Suplexes. After the final one, Captain Sammitch stepped back and let the ref get the count in.

Monroe: We may be seeing the end of Joe Mama’s title reign!

Madman: Get up Champ!!! GET UP!!!

As the ref counted, Joe Mama pulled himself to the ropes and, at the eight-count, pulled himself to his feet. Captain Sammitch moved in to press the advantage, but Joe Mama gave him a boot to the stomach, which stunned him for a moment. Captain Sammitch tried to move in again, but he caught another boot in the gut. He moved in one more time, covering his stomach, but Joe Mama dropped to his knee and hit Captain Sammitch with a low blow to the groin. The crowd collectively groaned as Captain Sammitch dropped to his knees, only to be met by the Champion’s knee to his face, busting Sanmmitch’s nose. Joe Mama stood over the injured and now bleeding Captain Sammitch, holding his ribs but smiling, and took a moment to spit (blood and saliva) on his chest. The ref moved in to get the count, but Joe Mama pushed him away, choosing to pick up his opponent, fling him into the ropes, and hit him with the Enforcer, knocking the wind out of him. Then he chose to pull Captain Sammitch up and use an East Coast Hammer to finish him off. With the finisher executed, Joe Mama demanded that the ref count Sammitch out. But the Challenger was not so easily beaten, and was up on his feet at the ref’s nine-count. Joe Mama rushed in to regain his advantage, hitting Captain Sammitch with a flurry of blows. But Sammitch stayed low, choosing to focus on Joe Mama’s injured ribs, and eventually gained control of the match. After punishing the Champ’s ribs some more, Sammitch pulled Joe Mama up to the top rope and hit a perfect Sammitch Slam, driving Joe Mama into the center of the ring. But the impact also rattled Captain Sammitch, so the ref started to count them BOTH out!!!

Madman: C’mon, Champ! Get up!!! Just get to your feet and the match is yours!!!

Monroe: Both wrestlers are hurting, Marcum! This may be the end!

The ref was at six when both wrestlers finally stirred. “Seven” saw them use the ropes to get up. At “eight”, both men were on their feet, nursing their injuries. But at “nine”, they rushed at each other, focusing on each other’s injuries – Sammitch on Joe Mama’s ribs again, and Joe Mama on Sammitch’s head and neck. The pair lost their footing and fell out of the ring, momentarily stunning them (for about a five count). They switched off driving each other into the ring steps and posts until both were a bloody, gory mess. Bo staff met chair shot. Irish whips into the barrier were reversed. Both men were struggling to breathe, much less stand, when Captain Sammitch tried to use his Sammitch Spin to knock Joe Mama out. But the Champion ducked the foot, drove a boot into the challenger’s gut, and hit a quick Brain Buster to the arena floor. Then he dragged the unconscious Captain Sammitch over to Marcum and Monroe’s announce table and spread him across it.

Monroe: What the Hell does the Champion think he’s doing? What the HELL are you doing?!?

Madman: Oh no…he’s gonna finish this match…he’s gonna end this thing one way or another…

As the announcers moved away from their broadcast position, Joe Mama stumbled back to the ring and stopped the ref’s count. Then he climbed to the top corner, holding his ribs the entire time, and hit Captain Sammitch with a Flying Tea Bag Slam that drove them both through the shattered table. The fans went wild, chanting both names and applauding, as the ref counted.

Monroe: Marcum, I think they’re both knocked out…I don’t think they’re breathing!!!

Madman: This match has gone too far! We need the EMTs!!! We’ve got two men down!!! Someone get help!!!

The ref counted to ten, and then motioned for the bell as emergency staff rushed out to work on both men. The match was called a draw due to double knockout. Oxygen masks were placed over both Joe Mama and Captain Sammitch. Both men were carefully placed on stretchers, and brought to the ambulance that was waiting at the head of the ramp. Fans could hear the EMTs talking about “Grade-Two Concussions at the very least” and “broken, maybe shattered ribs”. Finally the wrestlers were loaded into the ambulance and it drove out of the arena.

Legbreakers vs SD-6 (James Fantastic and Two-Ton Tommy)

The match started with Winged Creature and Two-Ton Tommy in the ring, and the Bastardo took charge with a series of punishing suplexes and holds before tagging in Stupid Doog. The pair locked in a Legbreakerer Super Lock (double ankle lock), but Tommy grabbed a rope to break the hold. This did him little good, though, as Doog also dominated proceedings, using his superior experience to frequently catch Tommy off guard, eventually flooring him with a DDT before climbing the turnbuckle to hit a Big Bark. However, Tommy rolled out of the way and tagged in Fantastic, who hit Doog with a Classy Kick before setting him up for the SD Rocker. However Winged Creature entered the ring and distracted the ref long enough for Doog to reverse the attack and hit James with Rabies.

Monroe: Another match, another cheat! Do the Bastardos ever fight fair?

Marcum: I don't know what you're talking about, Mouth! Winged Creature's just attempting to help his tag partner!

Tommy entered the ring as well, and hit Winged Creature with a Two-Ton Powerslam before dragging him out of the ring. Back in the ring, Fantastic managed to shake off the effects of Doog's attack long enough to hit a Supercool, but as he went for the pin Charlie ran down the ramp with a baseball bat and tried to attack Fantastic with it. The ref attempted to bring some order to the match, but Charlie kept pushing to get into the ring, distracting the ref long enough for Doog to hit the Big Bark. He then tried to get the pin, but Fantastic somehow managed to kick out just before the ref counted three.

Marcum: How on earth did Fantastic manage to kick out after Stupid Doog’s finisher?

Monroe: That's what true stars do, Marcum! Not that you'd know!

After getting a quick advantage over Doog, and hitting him with a surprise DDT, Fantastic then went to the top rope and hit a Supercool, but the Legbreaker broke the pin up on “two”. The match then spiraled out of control as both Winged Creature and Two-Ton Tommy entered the ring, turning the match into a pure-six brawl. Charlie managed to sneak into the ring while the ref was distracted and hit a Tower of London on Fantastic whilst The Legbreakerses double-teamed Tommy before rolling him out of the ring. As Charlie snuck back out of the ring, the Legbreakers Took Out The Trash, allowing them to get the pin and win the match.


Heavyweight Cheese Title Match: King Snarf vs Captain Sammitch

Monroe: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are only moments away from the final match of the night. Our Main Event - King Snarf will defend the Heavyweight Cheese Title against PenWing!

Madman: All I know are these three things: 1) The Inter-Cunt-Inental Match was the most devastating thing we've ever seen! 2) This match should be no different - these two share a hatred as deep as Joe Mama and Captain Sammitch! And 3) King Snarf WILL walk away with his title! He's the greatest Heavyweight Champion EVER!!!

Monroe: We'll see, Marcum...

When It All Goes Wrong Again" plays as King Snarf walks down to the ramp. His arms are heavily bandaged.

Monroe: What is King Snarf trying to pull here?

Marcum: Can't you see the Champ is hurting from last Tuesday's TLC match? PenWing is lucky the Champ is out here at all!

Monroe: He didn't look so hurt earlier tonight! I just know he's got something up his sleeve!

"Get Ready 4 This" blasts and the crowd roars as PenWing - Donkey Lovin' belt around his waist and arm raising a Sherwood - makes his way to the ring. While the two wrestlers have words, the cage lowers around them. Lothar raises the Heavyweight Cheese belt, and the signals for the bell. Snarf and PenWing lock up, with Snarf getting a quick roll up on PenWing for a one-count. Snarf tries to get the Headlock early, but PenWing escpapes his hold and turns it into a quick pin for a one-count of his own.

Monroe: This is an amazing display of athleticism by both wrestlers!

Marcum: Snarf is just taking his time!

PenWing gets a roll up, but Snarf kicks out. PenWing tries to lock in the Sharpshooter, but Snarf kicks him into the ropes. Snarf then gets to his feet and clotheslines PenWing over the ropes and out of the ring, falling to the ground beside him. The two get back to their feet, and PenWing grabs Snarf's arm, but it's Snarf who whips PenWing into the corner post. PenWing falls backwards, and reaches under the ring. As Snarf approaches, PenWing rolls away from the ring and quickly gets back to his feet. He's holding a Sherwood. Snarf backs away, and PenWing charges him. PenWing swings, but Snarf ducks, and the stick shatters on the ring post. Snarf then grabs PenWing and throws him into the cage. Before PenWing falls, Snarf grabs his head for a neck breaker.

Marcum: This is going to be a short match!

Monroe: Don't count PenWing out just yet!

Snarf tries to slam PenWing's head onto the rings steps, but PenWing counters with an elbow. He then slams Snarf's head onto the rings steps. PenWing slams Snarf's had onto the steps for a second time, and then rolls him into the ring. PenWing climbs the corner ropes and tries to connect the High Holy Howe, but Snarf rolls out of the way. Snarf gets to his feet and whips PenWing into the corner ropes. He runs for a splash but PenWing gets his boot up in Snarf's face. PenWing goes for the pin but Snarf gets his boot on the ropes. PenWing then rolls out of the ring. He reaches under and pulls out another Sherwood. PenWing doesn't realize that Snarf has gotten back to his feet, and as he stands up, Snarf connects with a baseball slide beneath the ropes, sending PenWing into the cage. Snarf springboards off the ropes and takes PenWing down with a crossbody. Grabbing PenWing's Sherwood, Snarf waits, allowing PenWing to climb back to his feet. He then nails him with the stick, right over his head. PenWing drops. Snarf picks him up and rolls him back into the ring. Instead of going for the pin, Snarf walks around to the other side of the ring.

Monroe: What is Snarf doing? He could have the pin right now!

Snarf pulls out some mettle wire and starts wrapping it around his forearms.

Marcum: Is that? It is! Snarf is wrapping barbed wire around his arms!

Monroe: I knew he had something up his sleeve! Or rather, around it!

Snarf rolls into the ring just as PenWing gets back to his feet. He waits for PenWing to turn around, and then runs at him for a clothesline. Snarf waits for PenWing to get back up again, and repeats the move.

Monroe: Snarf is torturing his opponent!

Marcum: The Champ is finally going to retire the knucklehead once and for all!

PenWing goes down again. His jersey is shredded and bloody, and there are puddles of blood all over the matt. This time, PenWing starts to roll, and falls out of the ring and onto the ground. Snarf slowly follows him out of the ring. As PenWing gets back to his feet, Snarf makes another run at him, but this time PenWing falls and executes a drop toe hold, sending Snarf into the steal cage. PenWing then pulls out another Sherwood, and smashes it on Snarf.

Monroe: PenWing finally connected!

Marcum: Too little, too late!

PenWing grabs Snarf's head and smashes it into the steal cage. He then pulls Snarf to his feet and whips him into the corner post. Both wrestlers are bleeding. PenWing grabs Snarf's hand again, but this time Snarf gives him a forearm, and PenWing drops to his knees. Snarf then kicks him in the head, and PenWing falls on his back. Snarf lifts PenWing and rolls him back into the ring. PenWing tries to get back to his feet, but Snarf comes up behind him and locks in a barbed wire headlock. PenWing tries to reach for the ropes, but Snarf pulls him into the center of the ring.

Marcum: This is it! PenWing will either tap or pass out to the pain of the barbed wire Headlock!

PenWing stops struggling and appears to go limp. Lothar raises his arm, and it falls. Lothar raises his arm a second time, and it falls. Lothar raises his arm a third time, and it starts to fall, but it stops half way, and PenWing begins to show signs of life. The crowd starts chanting his name.

Monroe: PenWing still has something left! He's fighting the Headlock!

PenWing fights to get back to his feet, but he can't break the hold. He starts to get weak in the knees again.

Marcum: PenWing is about to run out of gas!

Just as it looks like PenWing's knees are about to buckle, they extend in a jump. As PenWing's feet leave the matt, he swings his body away from Snarf, and wraps his arms around Snarf's head behind him. The two fall forward and hit the mat.

Monroe: Buhgawd! PenWing broke the Headlock with Sudden Death! Both men are down!

Lothar begins counting. Snarf starts to stir first, with PenWing starting to get to his feet right behind him. PenWing then hits Snarf with a Spin-o-Rama, and locks him in the Sharpshooter. Snarf tries to fight it, but PenWing pulls him to the center of the ring. Snarf takes a swipe at PenWing's leg with his forearm, and PenWing breaks the hold, falling to the matt.

Marcum: PenWing forgot about the barbed wire! That's gonna cost him!

Snarf gets back to his feet, but he shows the effects of the Sharpshooter on his legs, and PenWing is able to get out of the way of another clothesline.

Monroe: Snarf is still feeling that Sharpshooter!

PenWing comes up behind Snarf and wraps his arms around him, lifting him up for a German Meeko-plex. PenWing then set up another Meeko-plex. He followed it with a third Meeko-plex.

Monroe: I can't believe it! Even with the barbed wire scraping against him, PenWing is still able to hold onto to Snarf!

PenWing tries to execute a fourth Meeko-plex, but Snarf stabs him with the barbed wire on his forearms, and PenWing releases his hold. Snarf then spins around and tries to set up the BastardBomb, but PenWing turns gets a hold of Snarf's arm and turns it into a Drag 'n Whip. PenWing then climbs the corner ropes and this time he does hit the High Holy Howe for the pin.

Monroe: King Snarf has been defeated! PenWing is the new Heavyweight Cheese Champion!

"Gonna Fly Now" blasts over the speakers as Lothar hands PenWing the Heavyweight Cheese belt and raises his arm in victory. The cage is raised, and SD-6, minus Captain Sammitch, race down the ramp to celebrate with the new champ. Two-Ton Tommy and James Fantastic lift PenWing up on their shoulders, and Meeko and Nuriko raise the roof as the fans cheer. Then TK's music hits and he walks down to ringside. Tommy and Fantastic lower PenWing down, and help him stay on his feet. After a moment of seeming indecision, TK finally reaches out his hand and congratulates PenWing on his victory, and raises his hand. The crowd erupts and Rehash comes to a close.