RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

"Something's happening. I'm not the Jedi I should be. I want more. But I know I shouldn't."
―Anakin to Padm

"What have I done?"
―Anakin after Palpatine kills Mace Windu
"From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!"
"Well then you are lost!"
―Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi towards the end of their duel on the planet of Mustafar

"I HATE YOU!!!"
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan Kenobi
"Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side, as you do."
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan Kenobi

"I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire!"
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan on Mustafar

"Don't make me kill you!"
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan on Mustafar


"If you're not with me, then you're my enemy!"
―Darth Vader to his former master on Mustafar before their lightsaber duel[src]
"You will try!"
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan on Mustafar

"This is the end for you, my master."
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan

"Lord Vader. Can you hear me?"
"Yes, master."

―Darth Sidious and Darth Vader, when his transformation was completed.[src]
"Where is Padmé? Is she safe? Is she all right?"
―Darth Vader

I? I couldn't have! She was alive! I felt it!"
―Darth Vader

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"
―Darth Vader

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Two guys were playing golf when one sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabbed an 8-iron and went down the embankment, and after searching a while found something shiny. As he got closer, he realized the shiny object was an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. The golfer called to his friend, “Hey, come here, I got big trouble down here.” The friend came running and yelled, “What’s the matter?” The golfer in the ravine shouted back, “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

A golfer’s ball landed on the green about two feet from the hole when a huge, mushroom-shaped cloud appeared in the background. “Go ahead and putt,” said the other. “It’ll be a few minutes before the shock wave reaches us.”


A little boy had been pawing over a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?” The boy shook his head and answered, “Got any like a blank report card?”

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.” She did so, and after several minutes heard the watchman clomp down the stairs, saw him unlock one gate and then another, shut down the alarm system, and make his way through the revolving door. “Well, what do you want?” he asked. The blonde answered, “I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself.”
when the lady poked her head out he said, “Now may I speak to St. George?”

An amateur golfer was always cheating, never playing a straight game, until finally the pro walked up to him and said, “We’re going to play a round and I’m going to show you how to play this game. There will be absolutely no cheating.” The man looked disappointed but agreed. On the first tee, the pro decided to let the man go first so that he could keep an eye on him. The amateur sliced the ball, sending it through a couple of trees and bouncing it several times, when it finally came to a stop on the cart path. He reached down to move it off the path. The pro saw this and said, “Hey, wait a minute. You’ve got to play that ball where it stopped. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘play it where it lays’?” “But I can’t hit the ball on the cart path.” “Well, you have to,” said the pro, “it’s in the rule book.” The amateur thought for a minute, grabbed a club, and started his back swing. He scraped the club head across the pavement, sent sparks everywhere, and hit a beautiful shot that landed on the green two feet from the hole. The pro said, “Wow! That was a beautiful shot. What did you use?” The amateur replied, “Your four iron.”

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented by both of you with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, Attorney Smith, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Jones, gave me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Smith. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”

A Microsoft engineer quit and joined the Marines. At the rifle range he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target, but missed it completely each time. The engineer looked at his rifle, and then at the target, put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine: the trouble must be at your end!”

Two men went hunting and met a bear. One immediately stripped off his hunting boots and began to put on a pair of running shoes, whereupon the other laughed and said, “Ha, you think you can outrun that bear?” “I don’t need to,” responded the first one. “I just need to outrun you.”

A dog went into a pub and asked for a beer. The bartender said, “We don’t serve dogs in here,” and refused to give the beast a beer. The dog insisted, at which point the bartender took out a pistol and shot the dog in the foot. A week later, the dog returned, dressed in a cowboy hat, chaps, and other Western gear. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the guy who shot my paw.”

The famous movie director Cecil B. DeMille was directing one of his “cast-of-thousands” extravaganzas, and the time came to shoot the big action scene. He set up three camera stations, just to make sure that the effort went on film. Finally, at seven a.m. on the big day, he yelled, “Roll ‘em!,” and the action began. For ten hours, chariots raced, horses ran, soldiers fought, swords clashed, and thousands of extras did their thing. Finally, exhausted, he went to the first camera station to find the cameraman pounding his fists on the ground. “I can’t understand it,” he cried. “The lens cap got left on the whole time and we got nothing.” A little shaken, C.B. went to the second camera station to find the cameraman pounding his fists on the ground. “I can’t understand it,” he cried. “There was no film in the camera the whole time and we got nothing.” Upset now, C.B. thought at least he had the third man for backup, and went to his position. The cameraman greeted him jovially and called out, “Anytime you’re ready, C.B.!”

A teenager got a job in a supermarket, and one day a man came in and wanted to buy half a grapefruit. “I don’t think we can sell half a grapefruit,” said the kid, “but I’ll ask my boss.” He walked over to the boss and said, “Some idiot wants to buy half a grapefruit,” then noticed that the man had followed him over and heard the comment. “And this fine gentleman,“ he added, “would like to buy the other half.”

A woman was washing outside windows on the third floor of her apartment and lost her grip, falling into a garbage can below. Two recent immigrants walked by later, and one said to the other, “Americans are very wasteful. That woman is good for many years yet.”

An airplane flying over the Atlantic lost one of its four engines, and the pilot came on to reassure the passengers. “Nothing to fear,” he said, “we’ll just be half an hour late arriving in New York.” A while later, another engine was lost. “Nothing to fear,” said the pilot again, “we’ll be an hour late now but we’re still safe.” Later, a third engine went out, and the pilot informed the passengers that arrival time would now be two hours late. One of the passengers turned to his seatmate and said, “If that last engine goes, we’ll be up here forever!”

During the second world war, a man left a defense plant every night with a wheelbarrow full of sand. The security guard went through the sand each time, looking for contraband, but found nothing. Then, many years after the war was over, the guard and the worker happened to meet in a bar, and, after a few drinks, the guard asked, “What were you stealing, anyway?” “Wheelbarrows!”

A man went into a pub and saw a dog sitting at a table playing poker with three men. “Can that dog really read cards?” he asked one of the men. “Yes, but he’s not much of a player,“ was the reply. “Whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

A man went to visit his son in college, but got held up in traffic and didn’t reach the campus until two o’clock in the morning. He located the son’s fraternity house, which was all dark, and knocked on the door. “Who’s there?” asked a voice from inside. “Does Joe Jones live here?” asked the man. “Yeah,” came the voice, “just bring him in!”

An old man went to a funeral at a funeral parlor and after the service, lingered behind and fell into conversation with the undertaker. After a bit, the undertaker asked how old he was. “Ninety-seven,” was the reply. “Hardly worth it for you to go home, is it?” asked the undertaker.

Two golfers were on the links, and one of them kept missing the ball, slicing, hooking, doing something wrong every time. The other yelled at him to “Keep your head down, keep your head down.” Each time the first golfer lost a stroke the other would say, “Keep your head down.” Finally the man got so disgusted that he announced he would jump into the water hazard and drown. “You’ll never drown,” said the other. “You can’t keep your head down!”

A man telephoned a friend and reached the friend’s six-year-old daughter. “Is your daddy home?” he asked. “Yes,” the little girl said, in a whisper. “Can I talk to him?” “No.” “Can I talk to your mommy?” “No.” “Why not?” “They’re busy.” “How about your two older brothers?” “They’re busy.” “You mean to tell me that four people besides you are in the house and they’re all busy? What are they doing?” “Looking for me!”

A teenage boy had a speech impediment and couldn’t pronounce the letter R, so his mother took him to a speech therapist. The therapist gave him a sentence to practice on, “Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.” A week later the kid went back and the therapist asked him to repeat the sentence, to which the boy replied, “Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because he didn’t cook the bunny enough.”

A man in his mid-fifties went walking along a road and heard a small voice call out, “Can you help me?” It turned out to be a talking frog, who explained, “I’ve been put under a spell but am really a beautiful woman. If you kiss me, I’ll return to my real self and will please you in every way.” The man picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and continued walking. “Hey,” said the frog, “aren’t you going to kiss me?” “At my age,” said the man, “a talking frog is more interesting.”

Hollywood kid to classmate: “My father can beat up your father.” Classmate: “Are you kidding? My father is your father.”



A kindergarten teacher asked a pupil to draw a picture of a horse and cart, after which the kid handed in a drawing of a horse. “What about the cart?” asked the teacher. “Oh,” answered the child, “the horse will draw the cart.”

Four college students weren’t prepared for an exam, and decided to skip it and ask for a make-up exam, explaining to the professor that their car had a flat tire on the way to class that day. The professor agreed to a make-up, at which time he seated the four students in separate corners of the room and wrote one exam question on the chalkboard. The question was, “Which tire?”

A divorced woman with a ten-year-old son married a man who didn’t seem to like children too much. She had to be away for a week on a business trip, which meant that the boy would be alone with the man, and she was worried about a conflict. On her return, she asked the boy, “How did you get along with your new step-father?” “Great!” said the kid. “It was wonderful! Every day he took me swimming, out to the middle of the lake and I swam back.” “Isn’t that a long way to swim for a boy your age?” “Oh no,” said the boy. “The only hard part was getting out of the bag!”

A businessman who passed a mental hospital on his way to work used to stop every once in a while to watch one of the inmates going through the motions of winding up and pitching an imaginary ball. A friend asked the businessman what he found so interesting about the man’s performance. “Well,” came the answer, “if things keep going the way they are, I’ll be there some day catching for that guy, and I want to get on to his curves.”

Did you hear about the knight whose horse, the last one in the kingdom, lay down and died of exhaustion so he couldn’t get an important message to the king? The only thing the serfs could offer him was an old swayback dog, to which the knight responded, “I wouldn’t put a knight out on a dog like this!”



Quote from Abe Lincoln: “[Being president] is about as easy as shoveling fleas.”

A man finished a meal in a restaurant and said to the waiter, “I want to compliment you on your clean kitchen,” to which the waiter responded, “But you never saw the kitchen; how do you know it’s clean?” “It has to be,” replied the man, “everything tastes like soap.”



A horse went into a bar and the bartender asked, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

Two men were talking about the stock market and one said, “My grandfather was wiped out in the 1929 crash. Lost everything.” “Really?” said the other one. “Yep,” replied the first, “some guy jumped out of a building and landed on his pushcart.”



A man planning to marry for the second time confessed to his new fiancée that he was a golfaholic, thought about nothing but golf, lived golf constantly. The woman, also in a repentative mood, confessed that she used to be a hooker but had stopped doing it. “Well,” said the man, “that just proves that anyone can learn to become a better golfer!”Two men were talking about the stock market and one said, “My grandfather was wiped out in the 1929 crash. Lost everything.” “Really?” said the other one. “Yep,” replied the first, “some guy jumped out of a building and landed on his pushcart.”

A man planning to marry for the second time confessed to his new fiancée that he was a golfaholic, thought about nothing but golf, lived golf constantly. The woman, also in a repentative mood, confessed that she used to be a hooker but had stopped doing it. “Well,” said the man, “that just proves that anyone can learn to become a better golfer!”

A man came home to find his wife with bags packed and on her way to the airport, saying she was going to Las Vegas. “I just found out I can earn four hundred dollars a time for what I give you free,” she said. “Wait, I’m coming with you,“ said the man. “I want to see how you can live on eight hundred dollars a year!”

“Why did you marry your husband?” asked the neighborhood gossip. “You don’t seem to have too much in common.” “It was the old story of opposites attracting each other,” the woman explained. “I was pregnant and he wasn’t.”



Graffiti seen outside a magic shop: “All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

A man’s greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife “Mother of Six,” despite her continual objections. One night at a cocktail party, the man decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His irritated wife hollered back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”