RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

"Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not
like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and
she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno


"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences.
That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States,
she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" -Jimmy Kimmel



"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia." --David Letterman



"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman

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“I stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem.”
― Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber

“I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to
mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as
Opal.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox

“I can not travel into my past,
without consent of the future me.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

“The first thing we should do in order to grasp the realm of time travel is by redefining
general perception and common concepts regarding time within our daily language structure.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

“Nothing could go wrong because nothing had...I meant "nothing would." No -
Then I quit trying to phrase it, realizing that if time travel ever became
widespread, English grammar was going to have to add a whole new set of tenses
to describe reflexive situations - conjugations that would make the French
literary tenses and the Latin historical tenses look simple.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, The Door into Summer

“A mathematician makes plans to travel backwards in time through a wormhole to
a parallel universe when he can't even make it to Mars with the fastest rocket
on hand today.”
― Bill Gaede

“Ach, wie ich sie umfing, wie ich in ihre Arme stürzte, mit welch verzweiflungsvoller Inbrunst ich in ihrem Fleisch wühlte, als könnte ich in ihrem Leibe das Geheimnis ihrer Seele schlürfen.”
― Oswald Levett,

“War between free-will and predestination
makes the idea of time travel is still too difficult to
digest.” ― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient
Astronaut

“When the time travel is eventually doable technologically,
yesterday was dead a man who is going to be born tomorrow.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

“I tell you all the time, you will never be able to replace me with a brass and
steam contraption.” - Charlotte - As Timeless As Stone”
― Maeve Alpin, As Timeless As Stone



“Gentle he would be, denied he would not.”
― Diana Gabaldon, Outlander


“That's just how time travel looks like to the untrained eye. The reason why
there aren't more travelers is that your average physicist refuses to be eaten by
a giraffe in the name of science.”
― Bradley Sands, It Came from Below the Belt

The universe just doesn't put up with that. We aren't important enough. No one
is. Even in our own lives. We're not strong enough, willful enough, skilled
enough in chronodiegetic manipulation to be able to just accidentally change
the entire course of anything, even ourselves.”
― Charles Yu, How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe

“This is what I say: I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is, you don't have to worry, you can't change the past.

The bad news is, you don't have to worry, no matter how hard you try, you can't change the past.

“If I could somehow know the future,
then now should not be like this time.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut
t

“He holds her with the strength of a million-man army, but with all the
tenderness of her heart lying naked in the palms of his hands.”
― Laura Kreitzer, Phantom Universe
t

“Without unscrambled eggs, there was no time travel, no more depredation of
the Now, and we could look to a brighter future of long-term thought--and
more reading.”
― Jasper Fforde, First Among Sequels

“If you see an antimatter version of yourself running towards you, think twice before embracing.”
― J. Richard Gott III, Time Travel in Einstein's Universe: The Physical Possibilities

“Time travel..will never be impossible forever.”
― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident

“Ich wollte meine Augen öffnen, um Gideon ein letztes Mal anzusehen, aber
ich schaffte es nicht. "Ich liebe dich, Gwenny, bitte verlass mich nicht",
sagte Gideon, und das war das letzte, was ich hörte, bevor ich von einem
großen Nichts verschluckt wurde.”
― Kerstin Gier, Smaragdgrün

“I'll just tell you what I remember because memory is as close as I've gotten
to building my own time machine.”
― Samantha Hunt, The Invention of Everything Else

“I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I
see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically
modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and for a liquor-addled moment
I think Holy shit, I've gone all the way back to the Stone Age until I realize that
EXIT signs tend to congregate in the twentieth century.”
― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife




“When I am out there, in time, I am inverted, changed into a desperate version
of myself. I become a thief, a vagrant, an animal who runs and hides. I startle
old women and amaze children. I am a trick, an illusion of the highest order,
so incredible that I am actually true." ~Henry DeTamble, a character,
p.3” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

“His older self had taught his younger self a language which the older self
knew because the younger self, after being taught, grew up to be the older self
and was, therefore, capable of teaching.”
― Robert A. Heinlein




“If the Universe came to an end every time there was some uncertainty about
what had happened in it, it would never have got beyond the first picosecond.
And many of course don't. It's like a human body, you see. A few cuts and
bruises here and there don't hurt it. Not even major surgery if it's done
properly. Paradoxes are just the scar tissue. Time and space heal themselves
up around them and people simply remember a version of events which makes
as much sense as they require it to make.”
― Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but
actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball
of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.”
― Steven Moffat

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What is al-Qaeda?
Al-Qaeda is an international terrorist network led by Osama bin Laden. It seeks
to rid Muslim countries of what it sees as the profane influence of the West
and replace their governments with fundamentalist Islamic regimes. After al-Qaeda’s September 11, 2001, attacks on America, the United States launched a
war in Afghanistan to destroy al-Qaeda’s bases there and overthrow the
Taliban, the country’s Muslim fundamentalist rulers who harbored bin Laden
and his followers. “Al-Qaeda” is Arabic for “the base.”

What are al-Qaeda’s origins?
Al-Qaeda grew out of the Services Office, a clearinghouse for the
international Muslim brigade opposed to the 1979 Soviet invasion of
Afghanistan. In the 1980s, the Services Office—run by bin Laden and the
Palestinian religious scholar Abdullah Azzam—recruited, trained, and
financed thousands of foreign mujahedeen, or holy warriors, from more than
50 countries. Bin Laden wanted these fighters to continue the “holy war”
beyond Afghanistan. He formed al-Qaeda around 1988.

Who are al-Qaeda’s leaders?
According to a 1998 federal indictment, al-Qaeda is administered by a
council that “discussed and approved major undertakings, including
terrorist operations.” At the top is bin Laden. Ayman al-Zawahiri, the head
of Egyptian Islamic Jihad, is thought to be bin Laden’s top lieutenant and
al-Qaeda’s ideological adviser. At least one senior al-Qaeda
commander, Muhammad Atef, died in the U.S. air strikes in Afghanistan,
and another top lieutenant, Abu Zubaydah, was captured in Pakistan in
March 2002. In March 2003, the alleged mastermind of the September
11 attacks, Khalid Shaikh Muhammad, and al-Qaeda’s treasurer, Mustafa
Ahmed al-Hawsawi, were also captured in
Pakistan.

Where does al-Qaeda operate?
We don’t know if it has a headquarters anymore. From 1991 to 1996,
al-Qaeda worked out of Sudan. From 1996 until the collapse of the Taliban in
2001, al-Qaeda operated out of Afghanistan and maintained its training
camps there. U.S. intelligence officials now think al-Qaeda’s senior leadership
is trying to regroup in lawless tribal regions just inside Pakistan, near the
Afghan border, or inside Pakistani cities. Al-Qaeda has autonomous
underground cells in some 100 countries, including the United States, officials
say. Law enforcement has broken up al-Qaeda cells in the United Kingdom,
the United States, Italy, France, Spain, Germany, Albania, Uganda, and
elsewhere.

How big is al-Qaeda?
It’s impossible to say precisely, because al-Qaeda is decentralized. Estimates
range from several hundred to several thousand members.

Is al-Qaeda connected to other terrorist organizations?
Yes. Among them:

Egyptian Islamic Jihad
Jamaat Islamiyya (Egypt)
The Libyan Islamic Fighting Group
Islamic Army of Aden (Yemen)
Lashkar-e-Taiba and Jaish-e-Muhammad (Kashmir)
Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan
Salafist Group for Call and Combat and the Armed Islamic Group (Algeria)
Abu Sayyaf Group (Malaysia, Philippines)
These groups share al-Qaeda’s Sunni Muslim fundamentalist views. Some
terror experts theorize that Al-Qaeda, after the loss of it Afghanistan base,
may be increasingly reliant on sympathetic affiliates to carry out it agenda. Intelligence officials and terrorism experts also say that al-Qaeda has stepped
up its cooperation on logistics and training with Hezbollah, a radical,
Iran-backed Lebanese militia drawn from the minority Shiite strain of
Islam.

What major attacks has al-Qaeda been responsible for?
The group has targeted American and other Western interests as well as Jewish targets and Muslim governments it saw as corrupt or impious — above all, the Saudi monarchy. Al-Qaeda linked attacks include:

The May 2003 car bomb attacks on three residential compounds in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
The November 2002 car bomb attack and a failed attempt to shoot down an Israeli jetliner with shoulder-fired missiles, both in Mombasa, Kenya
The October 2002 attack on a French tanker off the coast of Yemen Several spring 2002 bombings in Pakistan
The April 2002 explosion of a fuel tanker outside a synagogue in Tunisia
The September 11, 2001, hijacking attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon
The October 2000 U.S.S. Cole bombing
The August 1998 bombings of the U.S. embassies in Nairobi, Kenya, and Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Al-Qaeda is suspected of carrying out or directing sympathetic groups to carry out the May 2003 suicide attacks on Western interests in Casablanca, Morocco; the October 2002 nightclub bombing in Bali, Indonesia; and the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.

Plots linked to al-Qaeda that were disrupted or prevented include: a 2001
attempt by Richard Reid to explode a shoe bomb on a transatlantic flight; a
1999 plot to set off a bomb at Los Angeles International Airport; a 1995 plan
to blow up 12 transpacific flights of U.S. commercial airliners; a 1995 plan to
kill President Bill Clinton on a visit to the Philippines; and a 1994 plot to kill
Pope John Paul II during a visit to Manila.

How is al-Qaeda connected to the 1993 World Trade Center bombing?
There are strong links. Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman, the militant cleric convicted
in the 1993 plot, once led an Egyptian group now affiliated with al-Qaeda; two
of his sons are senior al-Qaeda officials. And Ramzi Ahmed Yousef, who
was convicted of masterminding the 1993 attack, planned al-Qaeda’s foiled
attack on American airliners over the Pacific Ocean. He is also the nephew of
the former senior al-Qaeda terrorist Khalid Shaikh Muhammad, who is now in U
.S. custody.

At the Al-Qaeda offices...

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Okay people, it's been a while since we've had a major terrorist action. As you can see on this Excel graph, Al-Qaeda Extremist Activity is down 13% from last quarter and 47% from last year.

Our stock is tumbling! Other Terrorist Organizations see this as an opportunity. Hamas, Inc. is plotting a Hostile Takeover of Al-Qaeda Hostilities. We're supposed to be the #1 supplier of global threats!

Do we really want to go back to a time of peace and prosperity?

That's what I thought.

Now I'll turn the meeting over to Senior Marketing Director, Khalid Muhammed Ali Abdul-Jabaar.

ABDUL-JABAAR: Let's bring it back to basics. We all remember the 4 P's of Marketing:

Product.

Price.

Place.

Pipe-Bombs.

While the Bush Administration has done a fantastic job of creating hatred for Americans across the globe, we cannot rely on his hand outs. We must do more ourselves.

We must be sure to increase despair and hopelessness in our target demographic: young, horny men.

Then with intense religious pressure forbidding them from sex, we will turn their sexual energy into pure anger and violence and direct it at America.

So we need to be sure that every young man in the world watches nothing but the American television programs "Yes, Dear" and "My Wife and Kids." Then we will have lines 10 miles long of people volunteering to be suicide bombers!

And onto more immediate news... this year's annual office holiday party will be in the Grand Hall of the Beirut Holiday Inn! We will celebrate the anti-Christmas!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: It's not just about anti-Christmas. We're down with the Jewish customs. Look, just today I was making plans to celebrate Ha-Nuke-Ah! Get it? Ha-NUKE-Ah! HA HA HA HA!

ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Oh shut, up.

*** AT THE AL-QAEDA HIRING OFFICE...

EXPENDABLE HUMAN RESOURCES: It was a pleasure meeting you for the position of suicide bomber, Mr. Khalid Ka-Boom. We like you so much, in addition to the normal salary of 72 virgins in Heaven, we are offering you a signing bonus of 5 extra-virgin virgins in Heaven!

MR. KHALID KA-BOOM: Oh thank you! Just one question, what is the health benefits package like?

EXPENDABLE HUMAN RESOURCES: Full coverage! You casket will be fully covered and closed. And your Dental Plan will ensure that all of your teeth are recovered from the explosion.

Your first assignment is to read this copy of "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Suicide-Bombers." But I'll give you the notes:

1) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

2) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

3) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

4) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

5) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

6) Proactively solve problems by leveraging synergistic relationships with a core competency focus to create a win-win.

7) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!