CAFETERIA WORKER AKBAR AL-SNACKBAR: Hey Boss! Great party! Wooooo! Down with the infidels! Wooo-hooo!
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Have you been drinking? You know this is against our Islamic religious beliefs.
AKBAR AL-SNACKBAR: Drinking? No! Just enjoying the fruit of the land that Allah has provided us in Afghanistan -- poppy seeds – refined into pure heroin.
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE STEVE “FAST CARS” JOHNSON-MUHAMMED: Bin Laden, baby! Great fiesta, man. Way to rally the troops to a productive New Year! Hey buddy, I was thinking… if you really want to raise morale around here, you might consider raising the commission we get on our black market weapons sales. I mean, I got a family to feed. And I’m saving up for Little Stevie, Jr.’s college fund.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: I told you, we need to re-invest all our assets into the organization.
STEVE JOHNSON-MUHAMMED: I thought people were your greatest asset.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Only when they are exploding.
MOHAMMED MUHAMED MOHAMAD: Time to play "Beat the Pinata!"
JU-HHAYTA: What a great idea to make a pinata that looks like Santa Claus!
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Beat his candy ass!
ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Oh shut, up.
ISHOT DA-SHAREEF: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!
OSAMA BIN LADEN: No! It's Santa Claus! The real Santa Claus!
ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Oh shut, up!!!
SANTA CLAUS: So Osama, we meet again.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Hello.
SANTA CLAUS: Hello.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: How's Mrs. Claus?
SANTA CLAUS: Fine, thanks.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: That's enough with the pleasantries! We're here to end this skit!
SANTA CLAUS: That's right, Osama! HogWild is really going no where with this!
OSAMA BIN LADEN: That's enough with breaking the 4th wall! We're here to end our centuries-old feud!
SANTA CLAUS: Shall we flash back to the beginning of our rivalry?
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Flashback!!!!
*** YEAR 1082, IN THE GERMANY/AUSTRIA/TURKEY AREA ***
UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN: Boys! Stop fighting! I love you both!
8 YEAR OLD SANTA: No! You love Osammy more!
8 YEAR OLD OSAMA BIN LADEN: No! You love Santa more!
UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN WHO WE NOW KNOW IS THEIR MOTHER: I love both of my prematurely bearded boys with funny hats the same.
NARRATOR: But the children kept fighting. So much so that their mother had no choice but to banish them from the house and send them far, far away.
She sent Santa to the coldest place on Earth... The North Pole. And Osama to the hottest place on Earth... the Playboy Mansion. But she realized this was inappropriate and sent him to Saudi Arabia instead.
Both boys felt tremendous shame. Santa decided to work off his guilty feelings by making and delivering presents to good behaving children all over the world. Except for the Muslim part of the world, because that's where his brother Osama lived...
Meanwhile Osama held onto the dark anger. He dedicated his life to destroying happy materialistic-loving people everywhere.
It was Destiny that one day the two estranged brothers would meet again for a final dramatic showdown...
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Now we settle our feud like 2 grown adults!
SANTA CLAUS: Yes! Beard Tugging!
Santa Claus grabs the bottom of Osama's beard and gives it a hard tug.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ow!!!
Osama grabs the bottom of Santa's beard and gives it a hard tug.
SANTA CLAUS: Owwwww!
Santa Claus grabs the bottom of Osama's beard and gives it a hard tug.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Owwww-eeeeee!
Osama grabs the bottom of Santa's beard and gives it a hard tug.
SANTA CLAUS: Yowwww!
NARRATOR: This Beard Tugging continues to this day. Sometimes... if you are very quiet... you can still hear the anguished screams of Santa and Osama as they battle for dominance... or is it really for their mother's affection? I don't really know. I'm a narrator, not a psychologist.
This is the part where we fade to black as you can still hear their beard-tugging screams as we move farther and farther away. I will represent is like this...
