RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

ACCOUNTANT NOOMBA KA-RUNCH: Listen guys, I know we're all against this commercialism-imperialism thing, but the numbers don't lie.

Our financial sheet is looking bleak ever since the Americans froze our international assets. Would it kill anybody to put a Product Placement in the next Terror Threat Video Tape?

Osama, maybe while you are broadcasting from your cave, you can be holding a can of Pepsi? Or wearing an Exxon-Mobil cap?

*** AT THE AL-QAEDA HOLIDAY PARTY...

CAFETERIA WORKER AKBAR AL-SNACKBAR: Hey Boss! Great party! Wooooo! Down with the infidels! Wooo-hooo!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Have you been drinking? You know this is against our Islamic religious beliefs.

AKBAR AL-SNACKBAR: Drinking? No! Just enjoying the fruit of the land that Allah has provided us in Afghanistan -- poppy seeds – refined into pure heroin.

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE STEVE “FAST CARS” JOHNSON-MUHAMMED: Bin Laden, baby! Great fiesta, man. Way to rally the troops to a productive New Year! Hey buddy, I was thinking… if you really want to raise morale around here, you might consider raising the commission we get on our black market weapons sales. I mean, I got a family to feed. And I’m saving up for Little Stevie, Jr.’s college fund.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: I told you, we need to re-invest all our assets into the organization.

STEVE JOHNSON-MUHAMMED: I thought people were your greatest asset.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Only when they are exploding.

MOHAMMED MUHAMED MOHAMAD: Time to play "Beat the Pinata!"

JU-HHAYTA: What a great idea to make a pinata that looks like Santa Claus!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Beat his candy ass!

ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Oh shut, up.

ISHOT DA-SHAREEF: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: No! It's Santa Claus! The real Santa Claus!

ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Oh shut, up!!!

SANTA CLAUS: So Osama, we meet again.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Hello.

SANTA CLAUS: Hello.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: How's Mrs. Claus?

SANTA CLAUS: Fine, thanks.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That's enough with the pleasantries! We're here to end this skit!

SANTA CLAUS: That's right, Osama! HogWild is really going no where with this!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That's enough with breaking the 4th wall! We're here to end our centuries-old feud!

SANTA CLAUS: Shall we flash back to the beginning of our rivalry?

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Flashback!!!!

*** YEAR 1082, IN THE GERMANY/AUSTRIA/TURKEY AREA ***

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN: Boys! Stop fighting! I love you both!

8 YEAR OLD SANTA: No! You love Osammy more!

8 YEAR OLD OSAMA BIN LADEN: No! You love Santa more!

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN WHO WE NOW KNOW IS THEIR MOTHER: I love both of my prematurely bearded boys with funny hats the same.

NARRATOR: But the children kept fighting. So much so that their mother had no choice but to banish them from the house and send them far, far away.

She sent Santa to the coldest place on Earth... The North Pole. And Osama to the hottest place on Earth... the Playboy Mansion. But she realized this was inappropriate and sent him to Saudi Arabia instead.

Both boys felt tremendous shame. Santa decided to work off his guilty feelings by making and delivering presents to good behaving children all over the world. Except for the Muslim part of the world, because that's where his brother Osama lived...

Meanwhile Osama held onto the dark anger. He dedicated his life to destroying happy materialistic-loving people everywhere.

It was Destiny that one day the two estranged brothers would meet again for a final dramatic showdown...

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Now we settle our feud like 2 grown adults!

SANTA CLAUS: Yes! Beard Tugging!

Santa Claus grabs the bottom of Osama's beard and gives it a hard tug.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ow!!!

Osama grabs the bottom of Santa's beard and gives it a hard tug.

SANTA CLAUS: Owwwww!

Santa Claus grabs the bottom of Osama's beard and gives it a hard tug.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Owwww-eeeeee!

Osama grabs the bottom of Santa's beard and gives it a hard tug.

SANTA CLAUS: Yowwww!

NARRATOR: This Beard Tugging continues to this day. Sometimes... if you are very quiet... you can still hear the anguished screams of Santa and Osama as they battle for dominance... or is it really for their mother's affection? I don't really know. I'm a narrator, not a psychologist.

This is the part where we fade to black as you can still hear their beard-tugging screams as we move farther and farther away. I will represent is like this...

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ooooooh!

SANTA CLAUS: Aaaaaaaaaah!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ooooooh!

SANTA CLAUS: Aaaaaaaaaah!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ooooooh!

SANTA CLAUS: Aaaaaaaaaah!

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." —Conan O'Brien

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." —David Letterman

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" —Conan O'Brien

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." —Craig Ferguson

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." —David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" —Craig Ferguson

2011 - Riots in Bharatpur, Rajasthan, India, at least 9 killed, over a dozen injured.

2011 - Riots in Nablus, West Bank, 1 killed.
2011 - Riots in Katunitsa, Bulgaria, 2 dead, at least 6 injured in ethnic clashes.

2011 - Riots in Dakhla, Western Sahara, Morroco, 7

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, 3 killed and more than 1000 injured in anti-Israel protests.

2011 - Riots in Ambon, Indonesia, 5 dead and 80 injured in clashes between Christians and Muslims.

2011 - Riots in Paramakudi, Tamil Nadu, India, 7 killed.

2011 - Riots in Ujjain, India, 2 killed and 16 injured in a religious riot.

2011 - Riots in Mogadishu, Somalia, at least 10 killed.

2011 - Riots in Chile, scores of demonstrators and police injured, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Hakkari province, Turkey, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Jos, Nigeria, at least 22 killed.

2011 - Riots in Sbeitla, Tunisia, 4 injured, 1 teenage girl killed.[

2011 - Riots in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, 17 people killed in a prison riot.

2011 - Riots in Papua, Indonesia, 18 killed in rioting between rival clans.

2011 - Riots in Qalad District, Zabul province, Afghanistan, at least 4 killed.

2011 - Riots in Pimpri-Chinchwad, India, 3 killed.

2011 - Riots in London which spread to other cities in England, over a hundred injured and 5 killed.

2011 - Riot in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, 7 killed in a prison riot.

2011 - Riot in Hotan, China, 4 killed.

2011 - Riots in Homs, Syria, at least 30 killed in sectarian violence.

2011 - Riots in Sidi Bouzid, Tunisia, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Malawi, at least 18 killed.

2011 - Riots in Dadaab, Kenya, 2 killed and 13 injured.

2011 - Riots in Karachi, Pakistan, at least 114 killed, including violence a week prior.

2011 - Riots in Ganjam, Orissa, India, at least 2 killed.

2011 - Riot in Karaganda, Kazakhstan, at least 7 killed in a prison riot.

2011 - Riots in Belfast, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom, 2 injured.
2011 - Riots in Huancavelica, Peru, 3 killed and more than 30 injured.
2011 - Riots in Guwahati, Assam, India, 2 killed and at least 30 injured.[207
2011 - Riots in Juliaca, Puno Region, Peru, at least 5 killed and 30 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Mogadishu, Somalia, 2 killed.

2011 - Riots in El Rodeo I prison, Caracas, Venezuela, 19 killed.

2011 - Riots in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada after the Vancouver Canucks lost to the Boston Bruins in the Stanley Cup.

2011 - Riots in Tripoli, Lebanon, at least 4 killed and at least 48 people wounded.[

2011 - Riots in Choucha refugee camp, Tunisia, at least 2 killed.
2011 - Riots in Sri Lanka, 1 killed, at least 200 wounded.
2011 - Riots in Greater Noida, Uttar Pradesh, India, 4 killed.
2011 - Riots in Metlaoui, Tunisia, 3 dead and 90 wounded.

2011 - Riots on Israel's borders, at least 12 killed and dozens injured.

2011 - Riots in West Bengal, India, at least 8 people killed in post-election violence.

2011 - Riots in Taloqan, Takhar province, Afghanistan, at least 12 killed and 80 injured.

2011 - Riots in Tbilisi, Georgia, 2 killed, 20 injured.[

2011 - Riots in Nigeria, at least 500 killed in post-election rioting.

2011 - Riots in Kampala, Uganda, at least 5 dead and 100 injured.

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, between Muslims and Christians, 12 dead.

2011 - Riots in Hesarak District, Nangarhar province, Afghanistan, 1 killed, 3 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Jaitapur, Maharashtra, India, 1 killed, more than 50 injured.

2011 - Riots in Diyarbakir, Turkey, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Dakar, Senegal.

2011 - Riots in Tyre, Lebanon, 2 killed.

2011 - Riots in Mansa, Luapula Province, Zambia, 3 people were burned to death.

2011 - Prison riot in Rumieh prison, Lebanon, 2 dead.

2011 - Riot in Parwan province, Afghanistan, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Uganda, at least 3 killed.

2011 - Riots in Yemen, more than 100 people have died in two months of protests.

2011 - Riots in Nigeria, at least 70 people have been killed.

2011 - Riots in Mazar-e Sharif and Kandahar, Afghanistan, at least 13 people have been killed.

2011 - Riots in Jessore, Bangladesh, 1 dead and at least 30 others injured.

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, 2 killed and at least 15 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Syria, at least 60 killed.

2011 - Riots in Sanaa, Yemen, 42 people had died and at least 300 were injured according to doctors.

2011 - Prison Riot in Hyderabad, Pakistan, 7 dead.

2011 - Riot in London, around 250 thousand people, initially a small protest.

2011 - Miners riot in Peru, at least 2 killed.

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, between Muslims and Christians, at least 13 people died and 140 were injured.

2011 - Riot in Kissidougou, Guinea, at least 3 dead.

2011 - Prison riot in Tikrit, Iraq, 2 dead, 14 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Libya, at least 24 people killed.

2011 - Riots in Iraq, at least 13 killed.

2011 - Riots in Yemen, 24 killed.

2011 - Riots in Tunis, Tunisia, 3 killed.

2011 - Religious riot in Banten, Indonesia, at least 6 killed.

2011 - Riots in Manama, Bahrain, at least 10 killed, 92 civilians, 50 security forces injured.

2011 - Riots in Sulaimaniya, Iraqi Kurdistan, two killed.

2011 - Riots in Al Hoceima, Morroco, 5 killed.

2011 - Riots in Lebanon, following the fall of Saad Hariri's government.

2011 - Riots in Egypt, at least 846 killed.

2011 - Riots in Tafawa Balewa, Nigeria, 4 killed.

2011 - Prison riot in Sao Luis, Brazil, 6 dead.[

2011 - Riots in Algeria, 2 dead and four hundred people injured in riots linked to food price increases and unemployment.

2011 - Riots in Tunisia, at least 219 killed.

2011 - Riots in Jos, Nigeria, more than 30 people dead.

2011 - Riots in Tirana, Albania, 3 killed, 17 policemen and soldiers were injured, including three seriously, along with 22 civilians.

2011 - Riots in Assam, Meghalaya, Northeast India, 4 dead.

2011 - Riots in Arusha, Tanzania, 2 dead and nine people injured.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown


She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow


It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown


She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West


If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown


You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. ~Conan O'Brien, 2003


A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault, http://www.robertbrault.com

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more? ~Chris Rock


Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked


Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny


All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault, http://www.robertbrault.com


I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling. ~Robert Brault, http://www.robertbrault.com


Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home


Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine


Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig


A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill


Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown


Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ~Jack Handey

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I was a really simple, easy, good girl back then. I had good grades and a boyfriend. I never fought with girls in high school, and rumors weren't spread. There are plastic surgery rumors now, like how I have a fake butt, boobs, and eyes.
Kim Kardashian quotes