RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

Fun Things to do on an airplane:


Offer name tags to everyone getting on the plane. Wear yours upside-down.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

Challenge the person next to you with a “Thumb War.”

Fun Things to do on an airplane:

Ring the stewardess button frequently and always ask this question:
“Are we there yet?”

Try not to think about penguins. It’s very hard.

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."



9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"


18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."



20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Yogi Berra said:

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Yogi Berra said:

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

Yogi Berra said:

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.

How can you think and hit at the same time?

Yogi Berra said:


I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

Yogi Berra said:


I never said most of the things I said.

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.

I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.

Yogi Berra said:


I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

Yogi Berra said:


If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra said:


If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

In baseball, you don't know nothing.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

Yogi Berra said:


It ain't over till it's over.

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

It gets late early out there.

Yogi Berra said:


It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.

Yogi Berra said:


Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting.

Yogi Berra said:

So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.

The future ain't what it used to be.

The only color I don't have is navy brown.

Yogi Berra said:


The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

Yogi Berra said:

We have deep depth.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra said:

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

Yogi Berra said:


You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Scotsman At A Baseball Game


A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

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The most recent FBI Hate Crimes report reveals that in 2009, there were 3,816 victims of racially motivated hate crimes. Of that, 71.4% were African Americans.
In 2009, there were 1,050 victims of hate crimes motivated by ethnicity/national origin. Of those, the large majority (692) were against Hispanics.

In a decision favored by the Bush administration, in June of 2007, the Supreme Court forbade most existing voluntary desegregation efforts with a majority of the Justices holding that individual students may not be assigned or denied a school assignment on the basis of race even if the intent is to achieve integrated schools — and despite the fact that the locally designed plans actually fostered integration. Academics warned that the move would worsen educational inequality.

A report issued by the Civil Rights Project at Harvard University found that nationwide nearly 70% of African American students and 75% of Latino students attend predominantly minority schools. More than 1/3 of the students in each group are in schools where 90% or more of their classmates are minorities. Meanwhile, the average white student is enrolled in a school where more than eight in 10 of his or her classmates also are white.

Studies of discrimination in housing markets reveal that African American or Latino/a testers experience some form of differential treatment roughly half of the time. Even the most conservative measures reveal that at least 25% of the time there will be discrimination in many important types of behavior by rental or real estate agents.

The Human Rights Watch discovered that across 34 states studied, most drug offenders are white, yet a black man is 11.8 times more likely than a white man to be sent to prison on drug charges, and a black woman is 4.8 times more likely than a white woman.

The increase in the annual number of black arrests was greater than in the annual number of white arrests: black drug arrests were 4.8 times greater in 2007 than in 1980.

The U.S. “war on drugs” disproportionately targets urban minority neighborhoods. Two national reports released in early 2008 found that although whites commit more drug offenses, African Americans are arrested and imprisoned on drug charges at much higher rates.