RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...


- Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.

- When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...

- When getting dressed is not part of your day.

- Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

- When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...


- When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

- When your ceiling mirrors fog.

- When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

An old man made it shakily through the door to Billy Bob's Cowgirl
Ranch, outside of Reno, Nevada.
The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place,"
she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"
"Ain't this the famous Mustang? Ain't this where you allus got
forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"Ninety-two," he replied.
"Ninety-two? Gramps, you've had it!"
"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling
fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"



A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut,
it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might
be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "haemophilia is a genetic disorder
and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman
to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have
your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about
seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

A bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.
He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the
evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight,
but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As
he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that,
flaccid, he's only two inches long.
But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises to
a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five
hours the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable
evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the
girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something
special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not
to praise him."

One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy
answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house."
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little
boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays
and Fridays during the rush."
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around
knocking on doors telling folks."

The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for
$20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out."
The boy quickly agreed. The couple went into the woods, and the
young thang slipped off her panties and laid back. The boy slipped
in his erection and handed her a $10 bill. And then, when he was
finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him.
The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed. This time,
he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there.
After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it out now."
He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any
more money."



Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar.
The first one says my pussy is so big, I can screw three
guys at the same time.
The second prostitute says, MY pussy is so big, I can
screw a guy's leg up to the knee.
The third one just slides down the stool...

A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office (Foot specialist),
mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then
told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally,
the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his
penis through the screen.
The nurse walked over, shrieked and dropped her tray of instruments.
"That's not a foot!" she screamed.
The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum."



Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the
night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat
and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.
"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell
because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase.
He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all
the time."
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet,
then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a
prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed.
He crawls on top of her.
"Okay, stick it in honey...all the way in...now pull it out...
now put it back in...now pull it out..."
"For goodness sake," says the boy, "will you make up your
fucking mind?".



The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she came back
down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear
the details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much". "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but
he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much
do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job"
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said " he
pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above
the first and then the first hand above the second hand....."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! " then what
did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.

A man walks into this whore house to get a woman but doesn't know
what he wants. The woman at the counter tells the man to go outside
to where this fence is and in this fence are some holes. She instructs
him to stick his dick into each of the holes and then to make a choice.
He sticks his dick into the first hole and he gets his dick sucked.
He sticks his dick into the second hole and he gets jerked off.
He sticks his dick into the third hole and he feels it slip into some
chicks pussy. After he finishes he walks back inside to the woman at
the counter.
She asks him what woman he wants.
The man says, "Forget the women. I want 30 yards of that fence."



Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologised for his bad language.
"That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Little Johnny is bored one Saturday, so he says to his dad,
"Dad, I'm bored. What is there to do?"
His dad decides to have a little fun with Johnny, so he gives
him four quarters, and says, "why don't you go to the drug store
and get me some what's what?"
Baffled but excited, Johnny scampers down the street to the
drug store. He asks the druggist for some "what's what," and at
first the druggist is confused, until he guesses that this kid
has been sent out on a wild goose chase.
He replies, "we don't have any, but that building over there
might," while at the same time he points towards a whorehouse.
Johnny, again excited, runs over to the whorehouse. He knocks
on the door, and a naked women answers. He says, "I need some...
hey, what's that?", motioning to her crotch?
"What's what?" she replies.
Satisfied, Johnny says, "I'll take a dollar's worth!"



Little Johnnie was in his math class one day when the teacher
singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to
Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy?" Johnnie replied with a question in his voice.

A man is walking down the street and is really horny. He goes to the
first brothel he sees but only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The man goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars,
he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one
and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need
a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The madam there says, "For five dollars, all we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."
So, the madam takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.
He unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the man a blow job. Just
as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.
The horny man waddles after her, with his pants at his ankles, shouting,
"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"



A research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the
husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the
answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example,
under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three times a week'
and your wife 'Three times a night'."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only
until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."

Cell Phone Timeline

1843 Micheal Faraday a talented chemist begins researching the possibility that space can conduct electricity. His research starts the wheels turning for many other 19th century scientists. At the time, many of them were referred to as “crackpots”.

Cell Phone Timeline


1865 A Virginia Dentist/Scientist, Dr. Mahlon Loomis, develops a method of communicating through the earth’s atmosphere by using an electrical conductor. He does this by flying two kites, that are rigged with copper screens and wires, which are connected to the ground on two separate mountains about 18 miles apart. He later received a grant from the U.S. Congress for $50,000. (A fairly large chunk of change for 1865)

Cell Phone Timeline


1866 The first trans-Atlantic telegraph is built (not much to do with cell phones, but a major advancement in communication nonetheless)

Cell Phone Timeline


1921 The Police Department in Detroit, Mich. begins installing mobile radios, operating around 2 MHz, in their squad cars. They encounter many problems such as overcrowding on the channels and terrible interference.

Cell Phone Timeline


1934 The U.S. Congress creates the Federal Communications Commission. They decide who gets to use certain radio frequencies. Most channels are reserved for emergency use and for the government. Radio is still a baby.

Cell Phone Timeline


1940’s By now, the mobile radios are able to operate at 30 to 40 MHz and become much more common between police departments, and the wealthy. Several private companies and organizations begin using these same radios for personal gain.

Cell Phone Timeline


1945 The first mobile-radio-telephone service is established in St. Louis, Miss. The system is comprised of six channels that add up to 150 MHz. The project is approved by the FCC, but due to massive interference, the equipment barely works.

Cell Phone Timeline

1947 AT&T comes out with the first radio-car-phones that can be used only on the highway between New York and Boston; they are known as push-to-talk phones. The system operates at frequencies of about 35 to 44 MHz, but once again there is a massive amount of interference in the system. AT&T declares the project a failure.

Cell Phone Timeline

1949 The FCC authorizes the widespread use of many separate radio channels to other carriers. They are know as Radio Common Carriers (RCC) and are the first link between mobile phones and the telephone, rather than just radio to radio. The RCC's are the first step toward the cellular phone industry, which is were designed more for profit than for the general public.

Cell Phone Timeline

1956 The first real car phones, not car radios, come into play accross the United States. Although, the system is still using push-to-talk phones, it is an improved version that acctually works. However, the units are big and bulky, and require a personal radio operator to switch the calls. A simular system appeared in Sweden a few years earlier.

Cell Phone Timeline

1964 A new operating system is developed that operates on a single channel at 150 MHz. In essence, this removes the need for push-to-talk operators. Now customers can dial phone numbers directly from their cars. RCC's are finally taken seriously by the FCC as ligitimate competitors to the land-line phone companies.

1969 The self-dialing capability is now upgraded to 450 MHz and becomes standard in the United States. This new service is known as (IMTS) Improved mobile telephone service.

1970 Cell phone lobbyists finally win with the FCC and get a window of 75 MHz in the 800 MHz region, which allocated specifically for cell phones. The FCC realizes the potential of the industry and can’t ignore it any longer.

1971 AT&T is the first company to propose a modern-day mobile-phone system to the FCC. It involves dividing cities into “cells”. It is the first company to do so.

1973 Dr. Martin Cooper invents the first personal handset while working for Motorola. He takes his new invention, the Motorola Dyna-Tac., to New York City and shows it to the public. His is credited with being the first person to make a call on a portable mobile-phone.

1974 The FCC actually starts to encourage cell phone companies to push forward the “cellular idea”. But unfortunately a law suit arises with Western Electric, who is the closest company to succeeding at the time, and it rules that they are not allowed to manufacture terminal and network phone systems under the same roof. This is an effort to prevent a monopoly. But it also prevents progress.

1975 AT&T adapts its own cellular plan for the city of Chicago, but the FCC is still uneasy about putting the plan into action. They have concerns about its success.

1977 Finally cell phone testing is permitted by the FCC in Chicago. The Bell Telephone Company gets the license; they are in a partnership with AT&T which is a gerneral effort to battle the stubborn FCC.

1981 The FCC makes firm rules about the growing cell phone industry in dealing with manufactures. It finally rules that Western Electric can manufacture products for both cellular and terminal use. (Basically they admit that they put the phone companies about 7 years behind)

1988 One of the most important years in cell phone evolution. The Cellular Technology Industry Association is created and helps to make the industry into an empire. One of its biggest contributions is when it helped create TDMA phone technology, the most evolved cell phone yet. It becomes available to the public in 1991

2001 BellSouth announces that it is leaving the pay phone business because there is too much competition from cell phones.

Charles, in jail, got a call from some friend, who was complaining about low network. This friend of Charles was fed up with low quality voice and finally asked him, "How many bars are there in your cell."

Lincoln, a young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Lucy something nice for their fifth wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the features on the phone.
The next day, Lucy goes shopping. Her phone rings and its Lincoln: "Hi honey", he says "how do you like your new phone?"
And she replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?" asked Lucy.

Andrew was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. He looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. He decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Andrew, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cell phone?"

Customer Care Executives (CCE) get all sorts of calls, some with genuine problems and some with no problem at all. There was this caller called David, who was paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She never leaves any number, so I can't call her back," David said.
After sometime the CCE asked how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply from David.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the CCE asked "How does she spell her name?"
"L-O-W C-E-L-L" was the reply from David.

Jackson was moving towards California. On his way to the city, he stopped at a local market and went to the washroom. The first stall was taken, so he went in the second stall.
Soon, he heard a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?"
That was okay, but Jackson was not a person to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road.
He did not know what to say, but he awkwardly said, "Not bad..."
Then the voice said: "So, what are you doing?"
Jackson thought that a bit weird, but said, "Well, I'm going back to California..."
Then, he heard the person say: "Look I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall answers me."

Arabian Ostrich
Arabian ostrich, also known as the Middle Eastern ostrich, is a subspecies of ostrich native to the Arabian Peninsula. Arabian ostrich extinction was triggered by the widespread introduction of firearms, which made hunting a relatively easy task. By the beginning of 20th century, Arabian ostrich had become relatively rare, and by mid 20th century the bird had virtually vanished. The last sighting of this subspecies had been recorded in 1966, wherein a dying individual was found near Petra, Jordan.

Atitlan Grebe
The Atitlan Grebe, also known as the Giant Grebe or the Poc, was a water bird endemic to the Lago de Atitlán in Guatemala. A full-grown bird reached to the length of about 46-50 cm and resembled the Pied-billed Grebe to a great extent. Introduction of the Smallmouth bass and Largemouth bass species of fish in Lake Atitlan in 1950s and 1960s, reduced the number of crabs and fish in the lake, thus depleting the source of food for the Atitlan Grebe. The population of these water birds decreased to 200 in 1960, and further to less than 80 by 1965. Though there was a slight recovery in 1970s, an earthquake, that hit Guatemala in 1976, fractured the lake bed and drained the water. This loss of habitat severely affected the Atitlan Grebe population and the bird was last seen in 1989.