RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

After sex, I like my women like I like my mailbox. Outside of my house!

"I like my women the way I like my eggs, unfertilized."

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."

http://www.paulkavanagh.com/en/Catholic-Jokes.html

Catholic Jokes

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.

A catholic priest and a rabbi find them sitting next to each other on a long journey, and so after some hesitation start to talk to each other. After discussing the weather and the cricket, the priest turns to the rabbi and says that he thought it was rather strange that he was not allowed to eat pork, and asked him whether he ever had.

The rabbi replied, "Well, when I was a small boy, I did in fact taste a small piece of bacon."

"What was it like?" asked the priest.

The rabbi replied: "Not nearly as good as sex."

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him 50p. The boy looks at the coin and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin".

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. Next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad a pound coin. Once again the lad looks at the coin and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"

"Yes" says the brat, "a tight c*nt."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.

He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."

The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"

"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."

The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."

The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately, I can't say Mass for the poor creature..."

Muldoon said, "I understand, Father, I do. I guess I'll go to this new denomination down the road; no tellin' what they believe... Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!"

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.

They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOU'RE ARSE!"

...The teacher fainted!

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/20-facts-know-pope-francis-161007286--abc-news-topstories.html

Pope Francis facts

1. He's from Buenos Aires, making him the first pope from Latin America.

2. That also makes him the first pope born outside of Europe in more than 1,000 years.

3. He's the first Jesuit pope.

4. He is 76.

5. He chose the name Francis in honor of St. Francis of Assisi, a 13th-century monk known for his charity and kindness to animals.

6. Before his election, he was the archbishop of Buenos Aires.

7. He is known for leading a simple life, eschewing a mansion to live in a Spartan apartment.

8. He rode mass transit in Argentina, and chose to take a minivan with the other cardinals after he was elected pope rather than ride in a special sedan.

9. He cooks his own meals.

10. In his youth, he enjoyed dancing the tango with a girlfriend before discovering a "religious vocation."

11. He trained as a chemist.

12. He is one of five children and his parents were from Italy.

13. He has been criticized for not speaking out against Argentina's military dictatorship in the 1970s and 1980s.

14. He slammed other Latin American priests who objected to the baptizing of children born out of wedlock.

15. He was critical of Argentina's decision to legalize same-sex marriage, calling it "a destructive attack on God's plan." He also opposes gay people's adopting children.

16. In 2001, he washed the feet of 12 patients with AIDS at an Argentine hospice.

17. He speaks three languages: Spanish, Italian and German.

18. He had a lung removed as a teenager, after an infection.

19. He is rumored to have been the runner-up in 2005, losing that papal election to Benedict XVI.

20. After being elected pope, he remained standing on the same level as the cardinal-electors rather than sitting in a throne.

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_james_bond_films

James Bond is a fictional character created by novelist Ian Fleming in 1953. Bond is a British secret agent working for MI6 who also answers by his codename, 007. He has been portrayed on film by actors Sean Connery, David Niven, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig, in twenty-five productions. Only two films were not made by company Eon Productions. Eon now currently holds the full adaptation rights to all of Fleming's Bond novels.

James Bond films

Dr. No
John Strangways, the British Intelligence (SIS) Station Chief in Jamaica, is killed. In response, British agent James Bond—also known as 007—is sent to Jamaica to investigate the circumstances. During his investigation Bond meets Quarrel, a Cayman fisherman, who had been working with Strangways around the nearby islands to collect mineral samples. One of the islands was Crab Key, home to the reclusive Dr. No.

Bond visits the island, where he meets a local shell diver, Honey Ryder. The three are attacked by No's men, who kill Quarrel using a flame-throwing armoured tractor; Bond and Honey are taken prisoner. Dr. No informs them he is a member of SPECTRE, the SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion, and he plans to disrupt the Project Mercury space launch from Cape Canaveral with his atomic-powered radio beam. Bond and Honey escape from the island, killing No and blowing up his lair in the process.

From Russia with Love
SPECTRE's expert planner Kronsteen devises a plot to steal a Lektor cryptographic device from the Soviets and sell it back to them while exacting revenge on Bond for killing their agent Dr. No; ex-SMERSH operative Rosa Klebb is in charge of the mission. She recruits Donald "Red" Grant as an assassin and Tatiana Romanova, a cipher clerk at the Soviet consulate in Istanbul, as the unwitting bait.
Bond travels to Turkey and meets with Ali Kerim Bey, the MI6 officer in Turkey. Between them, they obtain the Lektor, and the three escape with the device on the Orient Express. However, they are followed by Grant, who kills Kerim Bey and a Soviet security officer. Grant pretends to be another British agent and meets Bond. Over dinner Grant drugs Romanova, then overcomes Bond. Bond tricks Grant into opening Bond's attaché case in the manner that detonates its tear gas booby trap, allowing Bond to attack and kill him. Bond and Romanova escape with the Lektor to Venice. Rosa Klebb, disguised as a hotel maid, attempts to steal the Lektor and kill Bond, but ends up being shot by Romanova.

Goldfinger
Bond is ordered to observe bullion dealer Auric Goldfinger: he sees Goldfinger cheating at cards and stops him by distracting his employee, who is subsequently killed by Goldfinger's Korean manservant Oddjob. Bond is then instructed to investigate Goldfinger's gold smuggling and he follows the dealer to Switzerland. Bond is captured when he reconnoitres Goldfinger's plant and is drugged; he is taken to Goldfinger's Kentucky stud farm and is imprisoned. He escapes briefly to witness Goldfinger's meeting with U.S. mafiosi, who have brought the materials he needs for an operation to rob Fort Knox.
Bond is recaptured after hearing the details of the operation, but he subsequently seduces Pussy Galore, Goldfinger's private pilot and convinces her to inform the American authorities. Goldfinger's private army break into Fort Knox and access the vault, where Bond fights and kills Oddjob, while US troops battle with Goldfinger's army outside. Bond's plane is hijacked by Goldfinger, but Bond struggles with him, and shoots out a window, creating an explosive decompression, killing Goldfinger.

Thunderball
Bond investigates the hijacking of an Avro Vulcan loaded with two atomic bombs, which had been taken by SPECTRE. The organisation demands a ransom for the return of the plane and bombs. Bond follows a lead to the Bahamas, where he meets up with his CIA counterpart and friend Felix Leiter. The pair suspect a rich playboy, Emilio Largo, and search the area around his boat and then the area where they think his boat may have travelled. After finding the plane—but without the nuclear devices on board—the two agents arrange for it to be tracked and ambushed once the bombs are being moved by Largo.

You Only Live Twice
007 is sent to Japan to investigate the hijacking of an American spacecraft by an unidentified spacecraft. Upon his arrival, Bond is contacted by Aki, assistant to the Japanese secret service leader Tiger Tanaka. Bond established that the mastermind behind the hijacking is Ernst Stavro Blofeld and SPECTRE and follows the trail to Blofeld's island headquarters.

Tanaka's ninja troops attack the island, while Bond manages to distract Blofeld and create a diversion which allows him to open the hatch, letting in the ninjas. During the battle, Osato is killed by Blofeld, who activates the base's self-destruct system and escapes. Bond, Kissy, Tanaka, and the surviving ninjas escape through the cave tunnel before it explodes, and are rescued by submarine.
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On Her Majesty's Secret Service (
While searching for Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the head of SPECTRE, Bond saves Tracy di Vicenzo on the beach from committing suicide by drowning, and later meets her again in a casino. Bond then receives information from Marc-Ange Draco, the head of the European crime syndicate Unione Corse and Tracy's father, about Blofeld's Swiss solicitor. Bond breaks into the solicitors office and establishes Blofeld is corresponding with the London College of Arms. Posing as an emissary of the college, Bond meets Blofeld, who has established a clinical allergy-research institute atop Piz Gloria in the Swiss Alps. Bond soon establishes that Blofeld is brainwashing his patients to distribute bacteriological warfare agents throughout various parts of the world.

Bond escapes from the clinic after Blofeld identifies him as the British agent. Bond arranges a raid on the clinic using men from Draco's organisation. The raid is a success, although Blofeld escapes. Bond marries Tracy, but she is murdered shortly afterwards by Irma Bunt, Blofeld's partner.

Diamonds Are Forever
Bond is tasked with investigating a major diamond smuggling ring which begins in Africa and runs through Holland and the UK to the USA. Disguised as professional smuggler and murderer Peter Franks, Bond travels to Amsterdam to meet contact Tiffany Case: he is given the diamonds and travels on to the US, where he is met by Felix Leiter. Bond moves through the chain, which leads to the Whyte House, a casino-hotel owned by the reclusive billionaire Willard Whyte.
Bond's follows the diamonds to a pick-up by Bert Saxby, Whyte's head of security, and then onto a research laboratory owned by Whyte, where he finds that a satellite is being built by a laser refraction specialist, Professor Dr. Metz. Suspecting Whyte, Bond tries to confront him, but instead meets Blofeld, who captures the agent and explains to him that the satellite can blow up nuclear missiles. Blofeld admits that he intends to auction it to the highest bidder. Bond escapes and frees the captive Whyte and they establish that Blofeld is using an offshore oil rig as his base. Bond attacks the rig, stopping Blofeld's operation and dispersing his organisation.

Live and Let Die
James Bond is sent to investigate the murder of three British MI6 agents, all of whom have been killed within 24 hours. He discovers the victims were all separately investigating the operations of Dr. Kananga, the dictator of a small Caribbean island, San Monique. He also establishes that Kananga also acts as Mr. Big, a ruthless and cunning gangster.

Upon visiting San Monique, Bond determines the Kananga is producing two tons of heroin and is protecting the poppy fields by exploiting locals' fear of voodoo and the occult. Through his alter ego, Mr. Big, Kananga plans to distribute the heroin free of charge at his Fillet of Soul restaurants, which will increase the number of addicts. Bond is captured by Kananga, but he escapes, killing Kananga and destroying the poppy crop.

The Spy Who Loved Me
Bond is tasked with investigating the disappearance of British and Soviet ballistic missile submarines and the subsequent offer to sell a submarine tracking system. Bond works alongside Major Anya Amasova of the KGB. The pair track the plans across Egypt and identify the person responsible for the thefts as shipping tycoon, scientist and anarchist Karl Stromberg.

Bond and Amasova follow a suspicious tanker owned by Stromberg and establish it is responsible for the missing submarines; the submarine in which they are travelling is also captured by Stromberg. Stromberg plans to destroy Moscow and New York, triggering nuclear war: he planned to then establish a new civilisation. Bond escapes, freeing the submariners captured from the other submarines and follows Stromberg to his headquarters, which he destroys, killing the tycoon in the process.

Moonraker
A Drax Industries Moonraker space shuttle on loan is hijacked and Bond is ordered to investigate. Bond meets the owner of the company, Hugo Drax and one of Drax's scientists, Dr. Holly Goodhead. Bond follows the trail to Venice, where he establishes that Drax is manufacturing a nerve gas deadly to humans, but harmless to animals. Bond again meets Goodhead and determines that she is a CIA agent.

Bond travels to the Amazon looking for Drax's research facility, where he is captured. He and Goodhead pose as pilots on one of six space shuttles being sent by Drax to a hidden space station. There Bond finds out that Drax plans to destroy all human life by launching fifty globes containing the toxin into the Earth's atmosphere. Bond and Goodhead disable the radar jammer hiding the station from Earth and the US sends a platoon of Marines in a military shuttle. During the battle, Bond kills Drax and his station is destroyed.

For Your Eyes Only (
After a British spy boat sinks, a marine archaeologist, Sir Timothy Havelock, is tasked to retrieve its Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator (ATAC) communication system before the Russians do. After Havelock is murdered by Gonzales, a Cuban hit-man, Bond is ordered to find out who hired Gonzales. While investigating, Bond is captured, but Gonzales is subsequently killed by Havelock's daughter and she and Bond escape. Bond identifies one of those present with Gonzales as Emile Leopold Locque and so follows a lead to Italy and meets his contact, Luigi Ferrara, and a well-connected Greek businessman and intelligence informant, Aris Kristatos. Kristatos tells Bond that Locque is employed by Milos Columbo, Kristatos' former organised crime partner.
After Ferrara is murdered—and the evidence points to Columbo—Bond is captured by men working for Columbo. Columbo then explains that Locque was actually hired by Kristatos, who is working for the KGB to retrieve the ATAC. Bond and Melina recover the ATAC but are captured by Kristatos. They escape and follow Kristatos to Greece, where he is killed and the ATAC is destroyed by Bond.

Octopussy
Bond investigates the murder of 009, killed in East Berlin while dressed as a circus clown and carrying a fake Fabergé egg. An identical egg appears at auction and Bond establishes the buyer, exiled Afghan prince, Kamal Khan is working with Orlov, a renegade Soviet general, who is seeking to expand Soviet borders into Europe. Bond meets Octopussy, a wealthy woman who leads the Octopus cult. Bond finds out that Orlov has been supplying Khan with priceless Soviet treasures, replacing them with replicas, while Khan has been smuggling the real versions into the West, via Octopussy's circus troupe.

Bond infiltrates the circus, and finds that Orlov replaced the Soviet treasures with a nuclear warhead, primed to explode at a US Air Force base in West Germany. The explosion would trigger Europe into seeking disarmament, in the belief that the bomb was a US one that detonated by accident, leaving its borders open to Soviet invasion. Bond deactivates the warhead and then returns to India, leading an assault on Khan's palace.