RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

I’m dealing with some issues you don’t know about right now. No, I don’t want to talk about them, I just need a little time to work sh*t out. (Dating new person within 48 hours.)


It wasn’t cheating because we’d had a fight that night, and I figured we were broken up until I got your text the next morning.


Whoa, you’re crazy!

You’re freaking me out right now, you’re acting psycho.


It’s no big deal, you’re just making drama for no reason.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/09/08...g-and-cheating/


I was blackout, I swear. I’d never do anything like that sober.

I don’t know why he/she said that, there’s nothing going on.

Whoever told you that is crazy or jealous, don’t listen to them.

I thought I wanted to be in a relationship with you, but after we hooked up I realized I didn’t.

I don’t consider making out cheating.

We’re just friends. Don’t you ever hang out with friends alone?

Do I ask you about every single person I see you out with?

She sat on my lap, what was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to be a jerk.

He/she kissed me. I didn’t want to make a scene so I just went along for a little bit.

I said I’d go to his weekend formal because he really, really needs a date.

Don’t worry, I told him we won’t need privacy in the room.

With graduation coming up, I freaked out about what it would mean to stay together. I needed to see if I really want to commit to you. Um, I guess I decided we should break up. (Dating new person within 48 hours.)

I admit I handled it badly, but I don’t see what was so wrong.

You know you would have cheated eventually, you’re just mad that I did it first.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80502688/


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started..

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 190 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80502688/

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80502688/

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_plants_by_common_name

Plants

Aconitum also known as "the queen of poisons", aconite, monkshood, wolf's bane, leopard's bane, women's bane, devil's helmet or blue rocket, is a genus of over 250 species of flowering plants belonging to the family Ranunculaceae. These herbaceous perennial plants are chiefly native to the mountainous parts of the northern hemisphere, growing in the moisture-retentive but well-draining soils of mountain meadows. Most species are extremely poisonous and must be dealt with carefully.

Alnus glutinosa (English: black alder, European alder or common alder) is a species of alder in the family Betulaceae, native to most of Europe, including all of the British Isles and Fennoscandia and locally in southwest Asia

lex verticillata, the American Winterberry, is a species of holly native to eastern North America in the United States and southeast Canada, from Newfoundland west to Ontario and Minnesota, and south to Alabama.


Alnus incana (Grey Alder or Speckled Alder) is a species of alder with a wide range across the cooler parts of the Northern Hemisphere.

The almond (Prunus amygdalus, syn. Prunus dulcis, Amygdalus communis, Amygdalus dulcis) is a species of tree native to the Middle East and South Asia. "Almond" is also the name of the edible and widely cultivated seed of this tree. Within the genus Prunus, it is classified with the peach in the subgenus Amygdalus, distinguished from the other subgenera by the corrugated shell (endocarp) surrounding the seed.

Ambrosia trifida is an annual plant in the aster family, native throughout much of North America. Its flowers are green and are pollinated by wind rather than by insects, and the pollen is one of the main causes of late summer hay fever. Flowers are borne from midsummer through early fall. The plant is erect, growing to over 6 meters, though 2– 3 meters is more typical.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and The dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.

'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note Of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to crap all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_plants_by_common_name

Bamboo i/bæmˈbuː/ (Bambuseae) is a tribe of flowering perennial evergreen plants in the grass family Poaceae, subfamily Bambusoideae, tribe Bambuseae. Giant bamboos are the largest members of the grass family. In bamboos, the internodal regions of the stem are hollow and the vascular bundles in the cross section are scattered throughout the stem instead of in a cylindrical arrangement. The dicotyledonous woody xylem is also absent. The absence of secondary growth wood causes the stems of monocots, even of palms and large bamboos, to be columnar rather than tapering

Ilex decidua (Meadow Holly, also called "possumhaw", "deciduous holly" or "swamp holly") is a species of holly native to the United States.
Distinguishing features of this species are crenate leaf margins and fruiting pedicels that are 2–8 mm long. Its "distinctive leaf shape... is less variable than other species of holly". Leaves are obovate, simple, alternating, deciduous, and grow to 2.5-7.5 cm long.

Betula lenta (Sweet Birch, also known as Black Birch, Cherry Birch, Mahogany Birch, or Spice Birch) is a species of birch native to eastern North America, from southern Maine west to southernmost Ontario, and south in the Appalachian Mountains to northern Georgia.

Blueberries are perennial flowering plants with indigo-colored berries in the section Cyanococcus within the genus Vaccinium (a genus that also includes cranberries and bilberries). Species in the section Cyanococcus are the most common[1] fruits sold as "blueberries" and are native to North America (commercially cultivated highbush blueberries were not introduced into Europe until the 1930s).

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

http://www.azlyrics.com/a/alanparsonsproject.html

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
"The Cask Of Amontillado"

BY the last breath of the four winds that blow
I'll have revenge upon Fortunato
Smile in his face I'll say "come let us go
I've a cask of Amontillado"

Sheltered inside from the cold of the snow
Follow me now to the vault down below
Drinking the wine as we laugh at the time
Which is passing incredibly slow

(What are these chains that are binding my arm?)
Part of you dies each passing day
(Say it's a game and I'll come to no harm)
You'll feel your life slipping away

You who are rich and whose troubles are few
May come around to see my point of view
What price the Crown of a King on his throne
When you're chained in the dark all alone

(Spare me my life only name your reward)
Part of you dies each brick I lay
(Bring back some light in the name of the Lord)
You'll feel your mind slipping away

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
"Pyromania"

There are pyramids in my head!
There's one underneath my bed!
And my lady's getting cranky.
Every possible location
Has a simple explanation
And it isn't hanky-panky.

I have read, somewhere in a book,
They improve all your food and your wine.
It's said that everything you grow in your garden will pretty fine,
Instead, all I ever get is a pain in the neck and a
Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap!

I've consulted all the sages,
I could find in the yellow pages,
But there aren't many of them...
And the mayan panoramas
On my pyramid pajamas
Haven't helped my little problem.

I've been told someone in the know
Can be sure that his luck is as good as gold,
Money in the bank and you don't even pay for it if you fold
A dollar in the shape of the pyramid that's printed on the back.

It's no lie.
You can keep the edge of a razor as sharp as an eagle's eye.
You can grow a hedge that is vertically straight, over ten feet high.
All you really need is a pyramid and just a little luck.

I have read, somewhere in a book,
They improve all your food and wine
And I've been told,
Someone in the know
Can be sure of his good luck and it's no lie.
All you really need is a little bit of pyramidic
Help!

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
"May Be A Price To Pay"

Something's wrong in this House today
While the Master was riding the Servants decided to play
Something's wrong in this House today
Something's been going on there may be a price to pay.

There's evil brewing, getting out of control
And I'm helpless I can't put it right
Something unrighteous is possessing my soul
And it's cold in the heat of the night

Something's wrong in this House today
While the Sorcerer slept the Apprentice decided to play

While the Master was hiding the Servants decided to play
Might be too much Sun or too much of something in the Air
Whatever's happening nobody else is aware

There's evil brewing, getting out of control
And I'm helpless I can't put it right
Something unrighteous is possessing my soul
And it's cold in the heat of the night

Something's wrong in this House today
Something's been going on there may be a price to pay.

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
"Time"

Time, flowing like a river
Time, beckoning me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river
To the sea

Goodbye my love, Maybe for forever
Goodbye my love, The tide waits for me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea, to the sea

Till it's gone forever
Gone forever
Gone forevermore

Goodbye my friends, Maybe forever
Goodbye my friends, The stars wait for me
Who knows where we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea, to the sea

Till it's gone forever
Gone forever
Gone forevermore

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit, so she called a repairman. He couldn't give an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, all the time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Sick him, Spike!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There_once_was_a_man_from_Nantucket

"There once was a man from Nantucket" is the opening line for many limericks. The popularity of this literary trope can be attributed to the way the name of the island of Nantucket lends itself easily to humorous rhymes and puns, particularly ribald ones. In the many vulgar versions, which were not published until many years after they were well known, the protagonist is typically portrayed as a well-endowed, hypersexualized persona.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.