RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset,
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
And he said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
he said with crass
as he lubed up his ass
I found a place to tuck it.

Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, he drove up and said, 'Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died. 'Chuck replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government.

http://zombie-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=346

1. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat their fingers separately!

2. Why did the zombie go to the hospital?
He wanted to learn a few sick jokes!

3. Why did the zombie lose the lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!

4. The baby zombie asks her mother “Mommy, do I have daddy’s eyes?” The mother says “Yes you do honey! Now eat them before they get cold!”

5. What’s a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head and shoulders!

6. What do you do if there’s a zombie coming towards you?
Hope it’s halloween!

7. What did one zombie say to the other zombie when they were eating a comedien?
This tastes funny!

8. What streets do zombies like best?
Dead Ends!

9. What did the vegeterian say when turned into a zombie?
Graaiiiinnnnss!! GRAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNS!!!

10. What did the zombie eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790724/quotes

Jack Reacher (2012)
Quotes


Jack Reacher: You think I'm a hero? I am not a hero. And if you're smart, that scares you. Because I have nothing to lose.


Jack Reacher: I mean to beat you to death, and drink your blood from a boot.

Jack Reacher: Look out the window. Tell me what you see. You see the same things that you see everyday. Well, imagine you've never seen it. Imagine you spent your whole life in other parts of the world, being told everyday that you're defending freedom. Then you finally decide you've had enough. Time to see what you've given up your whole life for, everything. Get some of that "freedom" for yourself. Look at the people. You tell me which ones are free. Free from debt. Anxiety. Stress. Fear. Failure. Indignity. Betrayal. How many wish that they were born knowing what they know now? Ask yourself how many would do things the same way over again, and how many would live their lives like me.

Sandy: [sits down at Reacher's table] Mind if I share your table?
Jack Reacher: [gives a nod]
Sandy: I'm Sandy.
Jack Reacher: So was I, last week. On a beach in Florida.
Sandy: [grabs Reacher's beer] What's your name?
Jack Reacher: Jimmie Reese.
Sandy: You don't look like a Jimmie.
Jack Reacher: What do I look like?
Sandy: I don't know, but not a Jimmie. So you're new in town?
Jack Reacher: Usually.
Sandy: It's kind of loud in here. Do you wanna, maybe, go someplace quieter? I have a car.
Jack Reacher: Are you old enough to drive?
Sandy: I'm old enough to do a lot of things.
Jack Reacher: I'm on a budget, Sandy.
Sandy: [perplexed] What?
Jack Reacher: I can't afford you.
Sandy: I'm not a hooker.
Jack Reacher: Oh, then I *really* can't afford you.

Jack Reacher: What I mean is the cheapest woman tends to be the one you pay for.
Sandy: [stands up, angrily] I am *not* a hooker!
Jack Reacher: Well, a hooker would get the joke.
Jeb: [enters with his four buddies] What's this?
Sandy: He called me a whore.
Jeb: Is that true?
Jack Reacher: Nobody said "whore". She inferred "hooker", but I meant "slut".
Punk: Hey! That's our sister.
Jack Reacher: She a good kisser?
Jeb: Hey! Outside!
Jack Reacher: Pay your check first.
Jeb: I'll pay later.
Jack Reacher: You won't be able to.
Jeb: You think?
Jack Reacher: All the time. You should try it.
Jeb: That's a great joke, but I'm gonna beat your ass. Do you want to do that here or outside?
Jack Reacher: [sighs] Outside.
[gets up]
Jeb: Stay here, Sandy.
Sandy: I don't mind the sight of blood.
Jack Reacher: [walks by Sandy] When it means you're not pregnant, anyway

Sandy: [Sandy, Jeb and four other guys all surround Reacher outside a bar]
[to Reacher]
Sandy: You still think you're funny now, creep?
Jeb: Shut your mouth, Sandy! No one is talking to you!
Jack Reacher: It's your last chance to walk away.
Jeb: [chuckles] Are you kidding? It's five against one.
Jack Reacher: [shakes his head] It's *three* against one.
Jeb: [perplexed] *How* do you figure?
Jack Reacher: Well, once I take out the leader, which is you, I'll have to contend with one or two enthusiastic wingmen. The last two guys, they always run.
Jeb: Oh, you, uh, you've done this before?
Jack Reacher: [reluctantly nods] It's getting late.
[Jeb moves in]
Jack Reacher: Remember, you wanted this.
[Jeb smiles and swings at Reacher, who ducks and elbows Jeb in the forehead, who falls to the ground]
Jack Reacher: It's okay.
[helps Jeb up]
Jack Reacher: Get up.
[kicks Jeb in the groin from behind, Jeb groans and Reacher pushes him aside with his foot. The other four move in closer]
Jack Reacher: Okay, let me know who's who. Let's get this done.
[Reacher easily takes down the other four, with him holding the last guy's foot under his arm. Two of the guys get up and both stare at Reacher with fear]
Jack Reacher: Really?
[kicks the last guy in the chest, who screams as he falls to the ground. The two guys run away as the cops come. Sandy runs away as well]
Cop: [points his gun at Reacher] On the ground.
Jack Reacher: That's a pretty impressive response time, fellas.
Cop: Do it!
[Reacher reluctantly gets down on the ground, next to a groaning Jeb]
Cop: Hands behind your back.
Jack Reacher: [to Jeb] Who hired you?

This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck game warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave, when the game warden says,

"Not so fast, boy. I need to inspect the deer."

The game warden reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger. The game warden gets angry and says,

"Wait a minute boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer. This here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you boy?"

Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet and pulls out a Virginia Hunting License. The game warden looks at the valid license and says disappointedly,

"Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here."

The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same game warden who says,

"Just a minute boy. I need to inspect the deer." He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says,

"Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?"

The hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the game warden, who again has to let him go.

So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one each from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the game warden stops to do the finger test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license.

Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious.

"Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the South! Where the Hell you from anyway?"

The hunter drops his pants, bends over, and says, "You tell me!"

http://www.dailyfinance.com/photos/25-unusual-ways-to-make-quick-money/#!slide=980291

ways to make money




You can legally trade plasma for cash in the U.S., the fluid in which your blood corpuscles and other tiny bits circulate through your blood system. In most larger cities, there are clinics that will pay you up to $35 or so for some of your plasma, which you can donate twice a week. The process, which involves taking blood, draining off the plasma and returning the remains to your system, takes around half an hour to an hour. To donate, you'll need to be relatively healthy and drug free.

The hirsute can also make some quick cash by selling off their hair. Hair must be at least ten inches long, and uncolored. Well tended (not over-shampooed or sun damaged) hair is worth more. Web sites such as The Hair Trader serve as a market for those looking to sell or buy hair. Sales announced on the site range from several hundred to over a thousand dollars for a generous length of tresses.

Some mothers who find themselves with an overabundance of breast milk have taken to offering the extra for sale on the Internet. However, the trade, of questionable legality and fraught with health issues, remains rather clandestine and we can't recommend it, even in a pinch.

There are a lot of part-time jobs you can get in order to turn a quick buck, but exercising the babysitting option is one of the most immediately lucrative. Reliable babysitters are in high demand. You can almost name your price. Babysitters earn upwards of $15 an hour these days. Offer to sit for friends' kids Friday or Saturday night. The parents will be only too happy to hand you cash when they return.

Other quick cash options? House-sit for friends of friends (friends by definition, will expect you to feed their cat and take in their mail for free. People you only know by association won't).

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

http://aliciadaniel.com/?p=473


Homeland Security


It was created in 2002 as part of the Patriot Act, in direct response to the September 11, 2001 terror attacks on the United States.

The creation of the department represents the most significant reorganization of the government since 1947, when the National Security Act was passed. This act was in response to the Cold War and created the CIA, among other things.
Though the agency is charged with prot

Though the agency is charged with protecting the “homeland” and is therefore distinct from the military, which protects abroad, the Department of Homeland Security later absorbed the US Coast Guard, which previously fell under the Department of Defense, along with the other branches of the military.

In 2003, the Department of Homeland Security absorbed the Immigration and Naturalization Service. The INS was then divided into two agencies: Immigration and Customs Enforcement and Citizenship and Immigration Services.

A chicken farmer walked up to the ticket window at the theater and the ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. the old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell, at our age, we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too,' said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn."

http://aliciadaniel.com/?p=473

Once the Department of Homeland Security was complete, it represented the most diverse merger of federal functions, incorporating 22 agencies under one organization.

Former Pennsylvanian governor Tom Ridge was the first Secretary of Homeland Security. He had been appointed by President George W. Bush as the Assistant to the President for Homeland Security in October of 2001, before the Department of Homeland Security was created.

The Department of Homeland Security has been located at its “temporary headquarters” on Nebraska Avenue, across from American University in Washington DC, since its inception. Permanent office space has been secured for the department at the St. Elizabeth’s Hospital Complex. However, the soonest personnel could begin moving into this complex is 2012, a full ten years after the creation of the department.

The seal of the department carries several important symbols. The shield in the center is divided into three sections, for land, sea and air. The air has 22 stars in the night sky, representing the 22 agencies that came together to form the department. The 13 arrows in the eagle’s left claw and the 13 olive branches in his right claw represent the 13 original colonies.

The development of the Department of Homeland Security created new jobs and job titles within the government, including the creation of federal air marshals, who ride on commercial airline flights to protect passengers and crew.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house be cause she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

http://aliciadaniel.com/?p=473

The Department of Homeland Security developed the “terror threat” advisory system scale that we use today. It reports the current threat level of terrorism on a scale from “low” to “severe”.

The seal of the department carries several important symbols. The shield in the center is divided into three sections, for land, sea and air.

The air has 22 stars in the night sky, representing the 22 agencies that came together to form the department. The 13 arrows in the eagle’s left claw and the 13 olive branches in his right claw represent the 13 original colonies.

The development of the Department of Homeland Security created new jobs and job titles within the government, including the creation of federal air marshals, who ride on commercial airline flights to protect passengers and crew.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!

http://www.londonpass.com/things-to-do-in-london/top-10-things-to-do-in-london.html#.UkeZYiijIqY

things to see in london


1. Tower of London remains one of the most popular tourist attractions in London. Complete with tales of historical drama, infamous Beefeaters, the Crown Jewels and the Royal Armouries, a visit to the Tower is a must for all visitors to London.

Tower Bridge Exhibition. Built in 1894, this is one of the best known and most iconic bridges in London. Visit the Tower Bridge Exhibition and you'll not only learn about the history of the Bridge but you'll also enjoy breathtaking views of London from the high-level walkways - a perfect photo opportunity

St Paul's Cathedral is another popular tourist attraction in London and it’s one of the most beautiful too. The Cathedral is home to the tombs of great historical figures such Lord Nelson and the Duke of Wellington