RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!

7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!

8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!

9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!

10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection! 11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.

No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what was the matter.

As I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”

He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.

“You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen
Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”
But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:
"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"

http://www.jokebuddha.com/Thankful

Thanksgiving


During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Thankful#ixzz2lWZ97Via

Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech

Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.


Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions more...

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."





Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.

"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.

"That's cool!" Bruno said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.” They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail….. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned… how was it for you?”

The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

The first man asked, “How’s that?” “Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast…..she farted and flew out the window!”

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

http://greatist.com/health/30-sugar-substitutes-any-and-every-possible-situation

sugar substitutes


Agave Nectar History lesson time: The Aztecs used agave thousands of years ago and praised this syrup as a gift from gods. A derivative of the same plant as tequila (cheers!), this golden sweetener tastes similar to honey and is perfect in hot or iced tea. But be sure to use in moderation — agave's high fructose content can sometimes cross it in to the dangerfood zone!

Maple Syrup The benefits of maple syrup are aplenty: It comes directly from a plant’s sap and contains over 50 antioxidants. Make sure to grab the real stuff (sorry, Aunt Jemima) and spread it over waffles or use it in homemade granola.


Honey Thanks to bees, this scrumptious stuff packs an antioxidant punch. Enjoy some in hot tea to help soothe a scratchy throat, or get creative and add a spoonful to homemade salad dressing.

Applesauce Instead of a half-cup white sugar in a batch of oatmeal cookies, swap in an equal amount of applesauce! The natural sweetness from a Golden Delicious or Fuji apple is perfect in an after-dinner treat. Purchase the no sugar-added kind, or make some at home.


Lemon Fans of gin can skip the extra sugar in a Tom Collins and add an extra lemon squeeze— we promise no one will notice.

Cinnamon Spice up a morning cup of coffee with cinnamon. This super spice adds subtle sweetness while boosting immunity, no calories included.

Grapefruit For a daily dose of vitamin C, opt for grapefruit juice in a cocktail over soda or tonic water. It’ll add a sweet and sour kick to any beverage

A woman was waiting at the checkout at a busy supermarket, Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, Well, Ill be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!�

Don't worry,replied the checkout person. With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time.

http://greatist.com/health/30-sugar-substitutes-any-and-every-possible-situation

Grapefruit For a daily dose of vitamin C, opt for grapefruit juice in a cocktail over soda or tonic water. It’ll add a sweet and sour kick to any beverage.


Erythritol This sugar alcohol is practically a guilt-free sweet solution. (And the FDA says it’s safe!) At 0.2 calories per gram, the white powder from a plant occurs naturally in many fruits. Plus, it doesn’t lead to tooth decay and other not-so-sweet effects of sugar consumption. It’s not quite as sweet as natural sugar, so try it in chocolate baked goods like brownies.

Raisins For a creative spin on things, blend a cup of raisins in a food processer. With antioxidants and fiber, these little dried grapes add a kick to any baked good.



Unsweetened Cocoa Powder For a warm winter treat, mix some unsweetened cocoa powder in a glass of hot water or skim milk. It’ll satisfy that sweet tooth without all the extra sugar the sweetened version includes. Add a splash of vanilla extract for extra flavor!

Reb A Hailing from South America, this natural extract comes from the stevia plant and is recognized by the FDA as safe. Just a drop or two is all it takes to sweeten a bowl of oatmea


Cranberries Skip the cup of sugar and add cranberries to a batch of muffins or scones. These little tart treats add a dose of antioxidants refined sugar can’t offer.

Processed Dates Grab a bunch of dates for an extra boost of antioxidants in the next baking experiment [2]. With a low glycemic index and some subtle sweetness, it may be perfect for brownie batter or the base of homemade granola bars [3]. Substitute two-thirds cup for one cup of regular sugar.



Coconut Sugar Get a little tropical and use coconut sugar in a fruit smoothie. Made from the sap of coconut flowers, this natural sugar comes in block, paste, or granulated form. Plus, it’s loaded with potassium, which helps keep our bones strong.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, Where is Jesus today?

Steven raised his hand and said, Hes in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, Hes in my heart.

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, Wellevery morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells Jesus Christ, are you still in there?

http://www.rockwisdom.com/mainpage.htm

song quotes



All lies and jest, still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. - Simon and Garfunkel, The Boxer

All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars. - Rush, The Pass

An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind. - John Cougar Mellencamp, Minutes To Memories


And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. - The Beatles, The End

Before you accuse me take a look at yourself. - Bo Diddley; Creedance Clearwater Revival; Eric Clapton, Before You Accuse Me


Bent out of shape from society's pliers, cares not to come up any higher, but rather get you down in the hole that he's in. - Bob Dylan, It's Alright, Ma

Different strokes for different folks, and so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby. - Sly and the Family Stone, Everyday People


Don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. - Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well

signs Santa Hates Your Kid

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

http://www.amusingplanet.com/2013/07/7-highest-cities-in-world.html


Highest cities in the world.La Rinconada in Peru is an old gold-mining camp in the remote Peruvian Andes, that has grown to ‘major city’ status. Over 50,000 people live in this mountainous city at an altitude of 16,732 feet (5,100 m). It lays claim to the title of “highest city in the world.”

The city of El Alto is one of Bolivia's largest and fastest-growing urban centers. With a population of over 1.1 million at an altitude of 13,615 feet (4150 meters), it is also one of the highest major cities in the world. At one time, El Alto was merely a suburb of the adjacent La Paz (see pictures of this incredible mountain city) on the Altiplano highlands, but due to the migration from Bolivia's rural areas to the La Paz region during the 1950s, the region grew and in less than 40 years laid claim to “city status” of its own.

Another candidate from Bolivia, Potosi, is located at an elevation of 13,420 ft (4,090 m). Founded in 1545 as a mining town, it soon produced fabulous wealth, becoming one of the largest cities in the Americas and the world, with a population exceeding 240,000 people. Potosi lies at the foot of the Cerro de Potosí - a mountain popularly conceived of as being made of silver ore, whose peak at 4,824 meters has always dominated the city. The Cerro Rico is the reason for Potosí's historical importance, since it was the major supply of silver for Spain during the period of the New World Spanish Empire. It is from Potosí, that most of the silver shipped through the Spanish Main came. During 1556 to 1783, 45,000 short tons of pure silver were mined from Cerro Rico of which 9,000 short tons went to the Spanish monarchy. Due to such extensive mining, the mountain itself has diminished in height by a few hundred meters.

Shigatse is the second largest city in the Tibet Autonomous Region (TAR) of the People's Republic of China. With a population of 100,000, it is one of the larger cities of Tibet. The city is located at an altitude of 12,600 ft (3,840 metres) at the confluence of the Yarlung Tsangpo (aka Brahmaputra) river and the Nyang River (Nyang Chu or Nyanchue) in west Tibet. Shigatse lies on flat terrain surrounded by high mountains, and the urban area is located just south of the Yarlung Zangbo River, located in the south-central Tibet Autonomous Region.

http://www.squiglysplayhouse.com/JokesAndRiddles/christmas.html

Q. What's white and goes up?
A. A confused snowflake!

Q. How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A. Just long enough to reach the ground!

Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum, you cant beat it!

Q. What says, "Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't?"
A. A snowman on a cross walk!

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker!

http://www.amusingplanet.com/2013/07/7-highest-cities-in-world.html

Juliaca is San Roman's capital city in the Puno Region, of southeastern Peru. It is the region's largest city with a population of 225,146 inhabitants (as of 2007) and located at 12,549 ft (3,825 metres) above sea level, on the Collao Plateau. It is the largest trade center in the Puno region. It is also a major transit point in the region and has strong ties with Peru's southern cities, including Arequipa, Puno, Tacna, Cuzco, Ilo, and with the Bolivian Republic.

Oruro

Founded on November 1, 1606 as a silver mining center in the Urus region, Oruro is now a major city in Bolivia with a population of 235,393 (2010 census), located at 12,159 ft (3,706 m) above sea level. After the silver mines exhausted, Oruro was reestablished in the late nineteenth century as a tin mining center. For a time, Oruro’s La Salvadora tin mine was the most important source of tin in the world. Gradually, this resource became less plentiful, and Oruro again went into a decline, although its primary employer is still the mining industry.

Lhasa

Located at the bottom of a small basin surrounded by the Himalaya Mountains, Lhasa has an elevation of about 11,800 ft (3,600 m) and lies in the center of the Tibetan Plateau with the surrounding mountains rising to 5,500 m (18,000 ft). The Kyi River (or Kyi Chu), a tributary of the Yarlung Zangbo River, runs through the southern part of the city. This river, known to local Tibetans as the "merry blue waves", flows through the snow-covered peaks and gullies of the Nyainqêntanglha mountains, extending 315 km (196 mi), and emptying into the Yarlung Zangbo River at Qüxü, forms an area of great scenic beauty.

Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
A: Icebergers !

Q: What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
A: Snow and Tell.

Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.

Q: If you live in an igloo made of snow, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

http://mixthatdrink.com/the-12-cocktails-of-christmas/

Christmas drinks

EGGNOG
This makes a little over two quarts.

6 eggs
1 cup of sugar
3/4 cup brandy
1/3 cup dark rum(or bourbon)
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon of ground nutmeg
2 cups of whipping cream
2 cups milk
Refrigerate all the liquids and get them very cold before you make the drink. Beat the eggs at medium speed until they’re very frothy. Gradually add the sugar, vanilla and nutmeg as you continue beating. Now turn the mixer off and stir in the whipping cream, milk, brandy and rum. Chill it until you’re ready to serve. It’s best to keep it chilled at all times. Garnish each individual serving with the nutmeg sprinkled on top and a cinnamon stick.

The non-alcoholic version is exactly the same, except you leave out the alcohols. You can add rum flavoring if you want that taste.

Hot buttered rum

2 ounces of dark rum
cinnamon stick
1 pat butter
1 slice lemon peel
Boiled water

Put the cinnamon stick, lemon peel and rum in a mug. Fill it with boiling water (leave a spoon in the mug so the glass won’t break from the heat). Float the butter on top, then stir it in. Or serve it with the butter floating and let your guests stir it in with their cinnamon sticks.

Mulled Wine

Recipe
1 bottle red wine
1 cup cognac
3/4 cup sugar
2 cinnamon sticks
3 whole cloves
1 tsp grated nutmeg
1 vanilla bean
1 star anise
1 sliced orange
1 sliced lemon

Combine the ingredients in a sauce pan and simmer for 25 minutes. Let it sit overnight if possible (in the refrigerator is fine). Strain out the fruits and other non-drinkable ingredients and serve it warm in glass mugs.

Chocolate Peppermint Stick

Recipe
1 1/2 ounce white creme de cacao
1 ounce cream
1 ounce peppermint schnapps
Skake well with ice. Strain ingredients into chilled martini glasses. Garnish with a small peppermint candy cane (or, optionally, crush the candy cane and sprinkle it on top) and serve.