RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes — naturally, no one wants to live any other way. – Judith Martin

Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience… and pimples. – J.M. Barrie



He wanted to care, and he could not care. For he had gone away and he could never go back anymore. The gates were closed, the sun was down, and there was no beauty left but the gray beauty of steel that withstands all time. Even the grief he could have borne was left behind in the country of youth, of illusion, of the richness of life, where his winter dreams had flourished. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

If your pregnant wife storms out of the kitchen in her new shoes to chew you out while you are watching the Super Bowl with your buddies, what have you done wrong?

A: You've made her chain too long.



What will your friends likely comment on?

A: You let her wear shoes?

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.

He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."

"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."

"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

Finally, the cabbie says, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

"My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me."

"Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic."

The cab driver says, "Yes, I am single, and I'm Catholic, too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess -- I'm married and I'm Jewish."

"That's OK," says the nun. "My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful nun and sits next to her. He turns too the nun and says, ''Will you have sex with me?'' Surprised by the question, the Noun answers,''No!'' and gets off at the next stop.
After she gets off the bus the bus driver turns to the Hippie and says,''I over heard your conversation, and I think I know how you can get the Nun to have sex with you.'' The Hippie asks how'. The bus driver tells him that every night at around 12 o'clock the nun goes to the cemetary and prays. If you go there and dress up as God you can demand her to have sex with you. The Hippie, happy about his new knowledge decides to dress up as God the next night and go there. When he goes there he sees the nun praying. He goes up to her and says, ''I am God, I order you to have sex with me.'' The nun answers, ''Sure, but can it be anal because I don't want to loose my virginity.'' They agree and have thier way. After it is all done the Hippie rips off his mask and says, '' HAHA I'm the Hippie.'' Then the Noun rips off her mask and says, ''HAHA, I'm the bus driver!"

http://holidayinsights.com/history/history02.htm

February in history

Rock singers Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper died in a plane crash. (1959)

The board game Monopoly first went on sale.(1935)

Astronaut Alan Shepard hits three golf balls on the moon. (1971)

The Beatles come to the U.S. for the fist time. (1964)

The Boy Scouts were founded. (1910)

The Beatles appear on the Ed Sullivan show. (1964)

An act of Congress is passed authorizing the US Weather Bureau

Glenn Miller receives the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of a song. And the song....."The Chattanooga Choo Choo"

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

http://holidayinsights.com/history/history02.htm

An act of Congress is passed authorizing the US Weather Bureau

Glenn Miller receives the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of a song. And the song....."The Chattanooga Choo Choo"

France cedes Canada to England, ending the French and Indian War. (1763)

Robert Fulton patents the steamboat. (1809)

The Yalta agreement is signed by Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin. (1945)

Women in the Utah Territory win the right to vote. (1870)

The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre occurred. Mobsters, dressed as policemen, gunned down seven members of a rival gang. (1929)

The Post Office uses adhesive postage stamps for the first time. (1842)

Nylon is patented. But it won't become popular for a few more decades. (1937)

NBC TV begins it's first nightly newscast. (1948)

Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published.(1885)

A beautiful woman goes to see her doctor
After describing her symptoms, the doctor diagnoses her and recommends a suppository to treat her illness. The woman is uneasy about this and doctor offers to help her with it.
The next day the woman asks her husband for help with her suppository. She bends over, he places one hand on her shoulder and inserts the suppository into her.
"SHIT!" the woman screams.
"I'm so sorry, honey. Did I hurt you?" the husband is frantic with worry.
"No." the woman replies. "I just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders"

http://holidayinsights.com/history/history02.htm

18 A ninth planet is discovered in the solar system and is named Pluto. The discover is Clyde Tombaugh. (1930)

19 A prize is inserted into a Crackerjacks box for the first time (1913)

20 John Glenn become the first U.S. astronaut to orbit the earth.(1962)

21 Richard Nixon becomes the first U.S. President to visit China. (1972)

22 Frank Woolworth opens the first "Five Cent Store in Utica, N.Y. (1879)

23 Walter Wingfield of Pimlico, England, patented the game of lawn tennis. (1874)

23 The Tootsie Roll rolls into stores in America. (1896)

23 U.S. marines raise the America flag in Iwo Jima (1945)

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/basics101/tp/urbanlegends.htm

Myths About Ancient History


Thumbs Up! - End of a Fight Between Gladiators

It is believed that when the person in charge of a gladiatorial event wanted one of the gladiators to be finished off, he turned his thumb down and that when he wanted the gladiator to live, he pointed his thumb up. The editor's gesture signifying that a gladiator should be killed is not exactly thumbs down, but thumbs turned. This motion is thought to represent the movement of a sword.

Amazons Cut Off a Breast

The Amazons were probably not the one-breasted man-haters we think of when we hear the word. They are more likely to have been fully-breasted Scythian horse-riding warriors, judging from artwork, although Strabo does write that their right breasts were seared off in infancy.

Atlantis Was a Real Continent

Atlantis was used as a parable by Plato and possibly mentioned by Solon of Athens. Whether there might possibly have been a real lost continent of Atlantis or not remains open to debate, mostly among non-academics.

The U.S. Government Is the Direct Heir of Ancient Greek Democracy

Aside from the question of whether the U.S. is designed to be a democracy instead of a republic, there are countless differences between what we call democracy and what the Greeks did; furthermore, it is totally unfair to say "all Greeks voted" or to claim that those Greeks who didn't vote were branded "idiots".

One day a 55 year old woman decides to get plastic surgery. Everything goes great and she looks amazing. So one day she goes to the bank and asks the teller "How old do you think I am?" The bank teller says " I don't know, about 32?" The woman laughs and say "Nope I'm 55" Feeling really good about herself she asks an old man on the bus "How old do you think I am" The old man says "Well young lady I can tell the age of any woman if she gives me a blowjob" The woman thinks for a while and agrees just to prove the old man wrong. After she finishes the old man looks at her dead in the face and says "Ma'am I believe you are 55" "How can you do that?" asks the Woman Then the old man says "I was behind you in line at the bank"

http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/basics101/tp/urbanlegends.htm


Cleopatra's Needle

The pair of obelisks called Cleopatra's Needles, located on the Embankment in London and near the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City, were created for Pharaoh Thutmosis III, not the famous Cleopatra (Cleopatra VII) or any other. However, these ancient monuments may have been called Cleopatra's Needles from the time of Augustus, Cleopatra's nemesis.

300 Spartans Defended Greece From Persia at Thermopylae

At the Battle of Thermopylae there were 300 Spartans who lay down their lives to give the rest of the Greeks a chance, but there were a total of about 4000 fighting under Leonidas, including willing Thesbians and unwilling Theban allies. Read more about the Battle of Thermopylae.

Jesus Christ was Born on December 25

We don't even know for sure what year Jesus was born, but references in the Gospels suggest Jesus was born in the spring. Franz Cumont and Theodor Mommsen are partly responsible for popular beliefs that the god Mithras or Sol [perhaps Sol Invictus Mithras] was born on the winter solstice, said to be the rationale behind the date of Christmas. David Ulansey, Absolute Astronomy, and others say it was Sol Invictus, not Mithras, or at least not the Iranian Mithras. An ancient Armenian story of Mithras' virgin birth did not gain currency, but is interesting in comparison with Jesus.

8. Caesar Was Born by Caesarean Section

The idea that Julius Caesar was born by Caesarean Section is old, but since Caesar's mother, Aurelia, was involved in his upbringing, and the surgical techniques of the 1st (or 2nd) century B.C. should have left her dead, it is unlikely that the story about Caesar's birth by C-section is true.

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

I didn't know Leonidas had a lot of lesbians fighting for him. Willing ones, at that.

http://www.historyorb.com/events/date/1914/march

March 1914

1st - Dutch Minister of war H Colijn named director of British Petroleum

1st - The Republic of China joins the Universal Postal Union.

7th - Prince Wilhelm von Wied becomes King of Albania

9th - Henry Colijn appointed as director of Bataafsche Petroleum Co

9th - US Sen Albert Fall (Teapot Dome) demands "Cubanisation of Mexico"

10th - Suffragettes in London damages painter Rokeby's Venus of Velasquez

18th - White Wolf gang beats government army in Jingdezhen China

19th - Stanley Cup: Tor Blueshirts (NHA) sweep Vict Capitals (PCHA) in 3 game

Two guys chatting in a bar.
They talk about their families, work, sports, and then they get onto the topic of hobbies.
The first guy says, "For a hobby I study spiders. I love spiders, I read about them, collect them, breed them"
"Well I'm not so sure that's a great hobby" says the second.
"You'd be surprised, they are fascinating, You can even train them"
"No way! You cannot train a spider" says the second....
"You can, watch this" says the first, as he reaches into his pocket.
He pulls out a match box, opens it and places a spider on the bar. "Watch this", turning to the spider he commands "Spider walk" and the spider starts to walk down the bar.
"Spider Stop" and the spider stops.
"Spider return" and the spider returns.
"Well that's amazing" says the second guy
"You have not seen the best bit yet" says the first, and picking up the spider he pulls all it's legs off and then places it back on the bar.
"Spider Walk" says the guy, but the spider stays still
"Spider Walk" the guy shouts, yet the spider still doesn't move
"SPIDER WALK" he screams, but the spider remains motionless
He turns to he companion and says, "For 25 years I have been studying spiders, and I am convinced when you pull their legs off they go deaf!"

Fuck off, Gerald.