RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

http://www.historyorb.com/events/date/1914/march

20th - 1st international figure-skating tournament held in US, New Haven

21st - US Ladies Figure Skating championship won by Theresa Weld

21st - US Mens Figure Skating championship won by Norman M Scott

22nd - World's 1st airline, St Petersburg Tampa Airboat Line, begins

27th - 1st successful blood transfusion (in Brussels)

A handsome Saudi was sitting in a restaurant at the corner seat.
He asked a waiter to take the most expensive bottle of Wine to a very attractive woman sitting alone at a table in the other corner.
Waiter brought in the elitist wine bottle & took the bottle to the woman and said, "Excuse me mam, this precious bottle is from that gentleman who is seated over there."and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the bottle coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note. The waiter, who was staying nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a house in Spain, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the Saudi decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear or rather what you want them to be.
I have a Ferrari Enzo, a Range Rover, a Mercedes SLS and a Porsche Panamera in my several garages;
I have beautiful houses in Saudi, Hawaii, Dubai and Morocco and a 10,000 acre estate in England.
There is over 30 million dollars my bank account and portfolio.
But even for a woman as beautiful as you are, I am not going to cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back please."

http://www.cdc.gov/norovirus/downloads/keyfacts.pdf

norovirus

Norovirus is a highly contagious virus. Norovirus infection causes gastroenteritis (inflammation of the stomach and intestines). This leads to diarrhea, vomiting, and stomach pain.

Norovirus is the most common cause of acute gastroenteritis in the United States. • Each year, norovirus causes about 21 million cases of acute gastroenteritis in this
country.

t only takes a very small amount of norovirus particles (fewer than 100) to make you sick.• Norovirus can stay on objects and surfaces and still infect people after days or weeks. • Norovirus can survive some disinfectants, making it hard to get rid of.

Norovirus can spread to others by— • eating food or drinking liquids that are contaminated with norovirus, • touching surfaces or objects that have norovirus on them then putting your fingers in your mouth, and • having close personal contact with an infected person, for example, caring for orsharing food, drinks, or eating utensils with an infected person.

A woman walks into a dentist's office. She promptly sits down on the seat, pulls off her pants, and spreads her legs. The dentist says 'Ma'am, you must be mistaken somehow!' and she responds, 'No, you put these dentures in my husband, and now you're gonna get them out!'



Two guys are walking down a dark alley. when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

http://www.cdc.gov/norovirus/downloads/keyfacts.pdf


There’s no vaccine to prevent norovirus infection and no drug to treat it

Antibiotics will not help with norovirus illness because antibiotics do not work on viruses.

When you have norovirus illness, drink plenty of liquids to replace fluid loss and prevent dehydration.

If you or someone you are caring for is dehydrated, call a doctor.

I'll have you know, I've been sober for just over 100 days. (self.Jokes)
Not like, in a row or anything...just in general.


It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
Because they always take things literally.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/28/world/europe/ukraine-fast-facts/

About Ukraine:

Area: 603,550 sq km (slightly smaller than Texas)

Population: 44,573,205 (July 2013 est.)

Median age: 40.3 years

Capital: Kiev (Kyiv)

Ethnic Groups: Ukrainian 77.8%, Russian 17.3%, Belarusian 0.6%, Moldovan

0.5%,Crimean Tatar 0.5%, Bulgarian 0.4%, Hungarian 0.3%, Romanian 0.3%, Polish 0.3%, Jewish 0.2%, and other 1.8% (2001 census)

Religion: Ukrainian Orthodox - Kyiv Patriarchate 50.4%, Ukrainian Orthodox

Moscow Patriarchate 26.1%, Ukrainian Greek Catholic 8%, Ukrainian

Autocephalous Orthodox 7.2%, Roman Catholic 2.2%, Protestant 2.2%, Jewish 0.6%, and other 3.2% (2006 est.)

GDP: $331.6 billion (2012 est.)

GDP per capita: $7,300 (2012 est.)

Unemployment: 7.5% (2012 est.)

Prior to the 20th century, Ukrainian territories were controlled at different times by Russia, Poland, Lithuania, Mongols, Cossacks and others.

From the 18th to 20th centuries, Russia and the Soviet Union carried out a program of Russification to discourage Ukrainian national identity.

One day a 55 year old woman decides to get plastic surgery. Everything goes great and she looks amazing. So one day she goes to the bank and asks the teller "How old do you think I am?" The bank teller says " I don't know, about 32?" The woman laughs and say "Nope I'm 55" Feeling really good about herself she asks an old man on the bus "How old do you think I am" The old man says "Well young lady I can tell the age of any woman if she gives me a blowjob" The woman thinks for a while and agrees just to prove the old man wrong. After she finishes the old man looks at her dead in the face and says "Ma'am I believe you are 55" "How can you do that?" asks the Woman Then the old man says "I was behind you in line at the bank"

https://groups.google.com/forum/#!msg/thejokester/NTCoEMddy4E/d6yhq7ohV3wJ


A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on.

The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention so, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "penis"...

His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***

A young couple took their five-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father.

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.

After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"


His father replies "That's his trunk son."

"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back."

"Oh, that's his tail" replies his father.

"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."

The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."

The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing."

"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... a r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

https://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-landslides


landslides

Mudslides, mudflows, lahars, and debris avalanches are common types of fast-moving landslides, also known as debris flows.


These debris flows generally occur during periods of intense rainfall or rapid snowmelt.

On steep hillsides, debris flows begin as shallow landslides that liquefy and accelerate.

A typical landslide travels at 10 miler per hour, but can exceed 35 miles per hour.

The consistency of debris flows range from thin or thick mud to rocky mud that can forcefully carry larger items of destruction such as boulders, trees, and cars.

When flows reach flatter ground, the debris spreads over a broad area, and can accumulate in thick deposits that wreak havoc in developed areas.


Every year, landslides in the U.S. cause roughly $3.5 billion in damage and kill between 25 and 50 people.

Casualties in the U.S. are primarily caused by rock falls, rock slides, and quick-moving debris.


Landslides often accompany earthquakes, floods, storm surges, hurricanes, wildfires, or volcanic activity. They are usually more damaging and deadly than the triggering event.

The May 1980 eruption of Mount St. Helens caused the largest landslide in history.

A rockslide debris avalanche large enough to fill 250 million dump trucks to the brim traveled about 14 miles, destroying nine highway bridges, numerous private and public buildings, and many miles of highways, roads, and railroads. The debris avalanche also formed several new lakes by damming the North Fork Toutle River and its tributaries.

In July 1994, a severe wildfire swept Storm King Mountain, Colorado, denuding the slopes of vegetation.


Heavy rains on the Storm King Mtn. in September of ‘94 resulted in numerous debris flows, one of which blocked Interstate 70 and threatened to dam the Colorado River.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

http://www.yellowstoneholiday.com/yellow...nal-park-facts/

Yellowstone National Park

Yellowstone National Park (Arapaho: Henihco'oo or Héetíhco'oo) is a national park located primarily in the U.S. state of Wyoming, although it also extends into Montana and Idaho. It was established by the U.S. Congress and signed into law by President Ulysses S. Grant on March 1, 1872. Yellowstone, widely held to be the first national park in the world, is known for its wildlife and its many geothermal features, especially Old Faithful Geyser, one of the most popular features in the park. It has many types of ecosystems, but the subalpine forest is most abundant. It is part of the South Central Rockies forests ecoregion.


Waterfalls – Yellowstone has more than 350 waterfalls, with the tallest reaching an astounding 1,200 feet. Waterfalls are heavily concentrated in the southwest and northeast regions of the park; however, more than 80-percent of the park’s waterfalls are not visible from trails or roads.

Super Volcano – Yellowstone sits atop a massive underground volcano that features an ever-present heat source. In fact, this area has experienced three cataclysmic explosions over the past 2.1 million years, ultimately resulting in calderas now found in western Wyoming and eastern Idaho.

Yellowstone Lake – Compromising a total of 286 square miles, this lake is the largest high-altitude body of water in all of North America. The depth of the lake averages 138 feet, with some areas measuring 430 feet. Straddling the edge of the Yellowstone Caldera, a 640,000-year-old geologic feature, scientists agree this is one of the most dynamic places on the planet.

Headwaters – The wonders of Yellowstone never cease. In fact, at Three Waters Mountain, snow hugs the continental divide, determining if the warm summer weather deposits waters in the Pacific Ocean, Gulf of California or the Gulf of Mexico.

Geysers – The park features more than 500 distinguished geysers, including those located in the Lower, Midway and Upper Geyser basin areas.
Bison Preserve – Yellowstone National Park featured the very first bison preserve, helping to bring this mammal back from the brink of extinction.

Jurassic Bones – Fossils in this area date to the mid- to late-Jurassic period, some 160 to 145.5 million years ago. In fact, some of the dinosaurs’ massive footprints are forever preserved in sandstone layers, as this area was once a sandy shoreline.

Two wives go out for a girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties!" The other husband said, "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the Fire Station.... We'll never forget you'!"