*EXPLOSION*

LOS ANGELES—In the largest deal ever made to shit out a movie, Warner Bros. and director Michael Bay announced a landmark $50 million agreement this week to monumentally fuck up ThunderCats.

"I couldn't be more excited to completely fuck this up," said Bay, who plans to begin production on destroying the live-action adaptation next month. "ThunderCats has a great story, endearing characters, action, adventure, space-travel, and fantasy. It will be an honor to run it into the ground."

"I'll use every directorial tool I have to suck the very life and charm out of this beloved cartoon," added Bay, claiming that the film could turn out to be the most colossal piece of shit he's ever worked on. "I won't rest until I get every last scene exactly wrong."

According to executives, Warner Bros. settled on Bay after a 12-month search of Hollywood's most reviled directors, including Joel Schumacher, Roland Emmerich, and Brett Ratner. In the end, the studio decided only Bay could be relied upon to deliver a 220-minute cinematic clusterfuck with enough tedious performances, overblown cinematography, and CGI explosions to make even the most casual fan want to scratch their eyes out.

"No filmmaker working today has Bay's ability to somehow direct his actors to be both emotionless and melodramatic at once," Warner Bros. CEO Barry Meyer said. "And I personally can't wait to see how he needlessly overcomplicates the plot."

Bay reportedly only agreed to fuck up ThunderCats after several specific conditions were written into his contract. According to the terms of the deal, Bay must be allowed to eliminate the character Panthro entirely to focus on the asinine relationship between Snarf and Snarfer, and include nearly 22 minutes of frenetic, impossible-to-follow action sequences that he hopes will annoy the living Christ out of audiences.

"We're just getting started on the storyboards, but I've already got a lot of really contrived ideas about zooming in way too close and shooting everything at nauseating angles," said Bay, who claimed viewers won't be able to tell if the climactic final battle is between two blurry elbows or a half dozen leopard-print pillows. "I promise you'll walk out of the theater feeling like you just flushed $12 down the toilet."

"You will all fucking hate me," he continued.

Hollywood insiders agreed that Bay—who has reportedly been closely involved in each of the 45 progressively worse rewrites of the script—was a natural choice to take a steaming dump on the popular ThunderCats property.

"Michael Bay has this innate sense of how to ruin a great story," Variety reporter Todd Brick said. "His ability to create astonishing plot holes, pepper dialogue with groan-inducing clichés, and abandon storylines halfway through is unparalleled. He was born to destroy this movie."

Though he admitted there was still "a lot of fucking up to do" before the script attains his trademark shit-slicked sheen, Bay has recruited hack writers Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci to punch-up the screenplay with hollow characters and by-the-numbers jokes about kitty litter boxes and hair balls.

But all the time and effort, Bay claimed, is worth it to ensure that he fucks ThunderCats up as badly as he knows he can.

"Ever since I failed to ruin Scarlett Johansson's career with The Island, I've been looking for a challenge like this," Bay said. "Who knows? With Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and ThunderCats coming out in the same year, I may finally reach my goal of making all of America hate cinema forever."

... isn't making them aliens kind of contrary to the title of the series?

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe one day these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie,”

they are going to be tough, edgy, funny

and completely loveable

It looks like NT are back to being TMNT.

Producer Michael Bay caused quite the fan uproar last year when he revealed that his plans for the revamped "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" involved one rather extreme revisionist element: the "Mutant" part was going to be dropped in favor of giving the wisecracking, pizza-loving martial artists an extraterrestrial origin.

"These turtles are from an alien race," said Bay at the Nickelodeon Upfront conference in March 2012. "And they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable."

That second part is fine -- those adjectives have always applied to Raphael, Leonardo, Michelangelo and Donatello, even during their darkest adventures. But now they're aliens? Even if you're not a TMNT fan, you know such meddling in a beloved mythology makes for the kind of blasphemy that's punishable by death -- or at least a lot of angry comments in online forums.

Luckily, a little over a year later, Bay has realized that if it ain't broke, don't make it aliens.

"There was that quote saying that we're making [the Ninja Turtles as] aliens. We're not," said Bay in a recent interview with Moviefone. "It's the ooze! It's from the original source material. These are from the original writers, and I never went out to correct myself in the press. I do listen to the fans and I do want this to be authentic."

Anyone else out there highly amused by that fact that Michael Bay exclaimed "It's the ooze!," no matter the context?

The "Pain & Gain" director seems to be playing the game of "I take it back" a lot these days, as he recently claimed his much-publicized recent "apology" for his third feature film, "Armageddon," was misinterpreted and that he's actually very proud of his Bruce Willis vs. Giant Asteroid movie. Kowabunga, dude!

"Ninja Turtles," which may now be retitled "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" (or at least "Mutant Ninja Turtles," as there's been no talk of whether the "Teenage" part still applies to this bold new vision), will use advanced performance capture technology along with the Ooze to bring the Turtles to life. The film is set to hit theaters on June 6, 2014.