The Revenge of Frank Burns.

One thread for all Frank's work.

Who has time to manually spam web sites? That can't be very cost effective.
Eric Cheng

Every single day, the flood of pornographic and sleazy spam grows.
Ron Wyden

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Johnny Carson

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.
Bill Gates

No one bill will cure the problem of spam. It will take a combined effort of legislation, litigation, enforcement, customer education, and technology solutions.
David Baker

Processed pig is white trash meat. Some people call it Spam.
Scott Weiland

This is like the telephone problem - no one wants to have the first one. But we are seeing a lot of people who want some sort of technology to solve the spam problem.
Eric Allman

Anybody who thinks that getting a communication from a voter in your district is spam - that guy is pork. Roast pork unless he changes his point of view.
-Dick Morris

Venus is often called Earth’s twin because it is the closet planet in size to Earth. Scientists estimate the diameter of Venus at about 7,520 miles, making it approximately 400 miles smaller in diameter than Earth.a

Although it is called Earth’s twin, the surface conditions of Venus are very different from those on Earth. Scientists believe the planet’s surface is very hot and dry and contains no liquid water, due to extremely high surface temperatures.

Ancient astronomers called Venus both Phosphorous and Hesperus, mistakenly believing that the object visible in the morning and evening were two separate celestial bodies. The planet was later named Venus after the Roman goddess of beauty and love.f

Venus travels around the sun in a nearly circular orbit, with its average distance from the sun varying only slightly throughout the orbit. It takes the planet approximately 225 Earth days to travel completely around the sun, compared to Earth's 365 days.

With its faster orbit around the sun, Venus overtakes Earth every 584 Earth days, changing from an evening star (visible after sunset) to a morning star (visible before sunrise), and then vice versa.

Venus is one of only two planets that rotates on its axis clockwise from east to west. The only other planet to do so is Uranus.

Because Venus rotates very slowly on its axis (taking 243 days to make a complete rotation), a day on Venus is longer than its year.

When seen from Earth, Venus is brighter than any other planet or any star in the sky. At certain times of the year, it is the first planet or star visible in the western sky at night—and at other times, it is the last planet or star visible in the morning.

Venus is constantly covered by thick clouds of sulfuric acid, through which no visible light can penetrate. For this reason, astronomers have been unable to view the planet’s features through optical telescopes. Most of the knowledge about Venus’ surface has been gained through radar images acquired from U.S. and Soviet space probes.

Approximately 65% of Venus’ surface is covered in flat, smooth plains, and the remaining 35% is made up of six mountainous regions. The mountain range Maxwell, which is about seven miles high and 540 miles long, is the highest feature on the planet.

Venus has far fewer impact craters (created when a planet and an asteroid collide) on its surface than Mercury, Mars, and Earth's moon, leading geologists to believe that the current surface of the planet is less than one billion years old.

The atmosphere of Venus is heavier than the atmosphere of any other planet. It is made up primarily of carbon dioxide and exerts an estimated 1,323 pounds per square inch (psi) of pressure on the planet, roughly 90 times more pressure than Earth’s atmosphere.

Venus’ high surface temperature is a result of the greenhouse effect. Because of the large clouds of sulfuric acid surrounding the planet and its thick atmosphere of carbon dioxide, nearly all of the radiant energy from the sun that enters the atmosphere is trapped and held at the planet’s surface.f

The force of gravity on Venus is slightly less than gravity on Earth. A person weighing 100 pounds on Earth would weigh approximately 88 pounds on Venus.

Due to its slightly smaller size and its lower density, Venus' mass is about 80% that of Earth.

Venus was first observed from space on December 14, 1962, when an unmanned U.S. spacecraft called Mariner 2 passed within 21,600 miles of the planet after traveling through space for 3½ months. It was the first of all the planets (with the exception of Earth) to be seen from space.

The first spacecraft to successfully land on Venus was the Soviet spaceship Venera 7, which reached the planet’s surface on December 15, 1970. Several spacecraft had gone near the surface prior to this date, and the Soviet Venera 3 had crashed into the planet in 1966.

Until quite recently, Venus had been visited by more space probes than any other planet (Mars has now been visited more), with 18 Soviet and six American spacecraft making the trip

Venus is currently being explored by the Venus Express spacecraft launched by the European Space Agency in November of 2005. The mission has been extended several times and is planned to remain on Venus until December of 2012.

The average temperature on Venus’ surface is about 870° Fahrenheit, making it the hottest planet in the solar system and hotter than most ovens.

While astronomers are unsure whether any form of life exists on Venus, it is highly doubted. Due to the incredibly hot temperatures on the planet’s surface, none of the plants or animals that live on Earth could survive on Venus.

Venus is the second planet from the sun and the closest planet to Earth. The distance between Venus and Earth varies from 23.7 million miles when the planets are closest together to 162 million miles when they are farthest apart.

Geologists believe that Venus once had large bodies of water on its surface, similar to those on Earth, which dried up approximately 300 million years ago as the sun began emitting greater amounts of solar energy.

Because Venus is only slightly tilted on its axis, it has no real seasonal variation in temperature as does Earth—it is simply baking all the time.e
Scientists believe Venus was formed largely by volcanic processes, due to the large amount of volcanoes, lava flows, craters, and ridges which make up the planet’s surface.

In 2007, images and data from the Venus Express spacecraft were able to confirm that lightning occurs on Venus and that the phenomenon is more common there than on Earth.

Prior to the 1970s, there was vast speculation among astronomers about the nature of Venus’ surface. Many scientists believed the planet would be quite tropical, and the first Soviet spacecraft sent to the planet was loaded with equipment to confirm the presence of water

Unlike other planets, Venus has no craters on its surface smaller than 1.25 miles across. Because the atmosphere is so dense, smaller asteroids are crushed to powder before they reach the surface of the planet, leaving no smaller craters.

Because Venus is so much brighter in the sky than anything except the sun and Earth's moon, it drew notice from many ancient civilizations. The Chinese called it Tai-pe or “the beautiful white one,” the Egyptians called it Bonou for “bird,” and the Chaldeans named it the “bright torch of heaven.”

While the equatorial diameter of Earth is 27 miles greater than its diameter measured from pole to pole, the two diameters for Venus are virtually the same, making the planet an almost perfect sphere.

There is no detectable magnetic field on Venus (like that found on Earth), leading scientists to believe that the liquid core of the planet is likely much smaller than Earth’s.

The English word “Friday” is derived from the Anglo-Saxon Frigedaeg, meaning “Venus day” (Friga = Venus + dae = day), and many other languages also trace their names for Friday from root words meaning “Venus day.

Several ancient civilizations practiced Venus worship in some form or another, and surprisingly veneration of the planet has persisted until modern times. It has been suggested that human sacrifices were offered to the planet as late as the nineteenth century by Polynesian cultures and the Skidi Pawnee Indians in North America.

Because the large masses of clouds never clear from Venus’ skies, neither Earth nor the sun is ever visible from the planet’s surface.

Venus experiences a constant, high-speed wind that carries its clouds on a complete trip around the planet every four Earth days.

Venus and Mercury are the only two planets in the solar system that do not have any moons orbiting around them.

Venus, the brightest of all the planets, can be so bright that on a moonless night, the planet can actually cast shadows on Earth

Due to its proximity to the sun, Venus, like Earth, has a limited timespan. As the sun swells to become a red giant star in a few thousand million years, its luminosity will increase to such a point as to surely destroy the inner planets (Mercury, Venus, and Earth).

It's amazing that there's an entire board of these losers with no lives. I guess if you have no friends in real life, and no girl would ever want you, spamming message boards might be the only thing left.

Call it an hunch.

Are birth control pills deductible?
~Only if they don’t work.

What is a chastity belt?
~A labor-saving device.

Should I have a baby after 35?
~No, 35 children are enough.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
~Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
~Your therapist.

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
~Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
~If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
~Yes, your bladder.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
~Childbirth.

The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
~‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
~Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
~Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
~Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
~Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
~Right after you find out your pregnant.

Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
~When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
~Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

How long is the average woman in labor?
~Whatever she says, divided by two.

What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
~It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
~Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

What are forceps?
~Giant baby tweezers.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
~It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
~When you see teeth marks.

What are the terrible twos?
~Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.

What causes baby blues?
~Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

What are night terrors?
~Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
~When the kids are in college.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
~Yes, pregnancy.

What is the grasp reflex?
~The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother’s breasts.

Do I have to have a baby shower?
~Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
~Depends on what you’re doing with them.

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
~Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

When choosing a name for your baby, go to the back door and shout it out a few times.

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
~In your breasts.

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
~For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
~Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

What is rabies?
Rabies is an illness that affects the central nervous system. It is transmitted to people from infected mammals. Rabies can be prevented by avoiding exposure to infected animals. Rabies is preventable through a series of vaccinations after exposure, but it is fatal once symptoms appear.

What is the infectious agent that causes rabies?
Rabies is caused by the rabies virus.

Where is rabies found?
Rabies is found in all U.S. states except Hawaii. It is also found in Canada, Mexico, and many other countries around the world. The rabies virus is passed in the saliva of infected mammals.

How do people get rabies?
People get rabies from infected mammals. Rabies is transmitted most often through animal bites, although other contact with the saliva or brain tissue of an infected animal can cause the disease. Evidence suggests that rabies can also be spread by a seemingly insignificant bite from a bat with rabies, even without an obvious wound.

What are the signs and symptoms of rabies?
The rabies virus travels through the nervous system, eventually inflaming the brain. Early symptoms include irritability, headache, fever, and sometimes itching or pain at the site of the bite. The disease eventually progresses to paralysis, spasms of the throat muscles, convulsions, and delirium. Without preventive treatment, it is fatal.

How soon after exposure do symptoms appear?
The time between exposure and symptoms is usually 2 to 12 weeks, but it can be much less or much longer.

Who is at risk for rabies?
All mammals, including humans, can get rabies.

What is the treatment for rabies?
A series of vaccinations after exposure can prevent the disease. Once symptoms appear, there is no treatment.

How common is rabies?
In the United States, rabies in humans is rare because most pets are vaccinated against the disease. Only 36 cases have been reported since 1980, 21 of them linked to bats. Each year, about 40,000 people receive treatment for bites from potentially infected animals to prevent rabies.

Is rabies an emerging infectious disease?
Yes. Largely eliminated from dogs by vaccination programs, the virus has re-emerged as a widespread problem among wild mammals, particularly raccoons, skunks, foxes, coyotes, and bats. There has also been a slight but significant rise in the annual number of cases in humans. From 1981 to 1993, the number of rabies cases ranged from 0 to 3. There were 6 cases in 1994 and 4 each in 1995, 1996, and 1997. Despite an outbreak of rabies in raccoons on the East Coast, there have been no reports of humans becoming infected by raccoons. Most of the new cases in humans involve bats.

How can rabies be prevented?

Make sure dogs, cats, and ferrets are vaccinated against rabies. Keep the vaccinations up to date.
Obey leash laws, and keep your pets supervised on your property to reduce the chance of exposure to rabies.
When traveling or visiting wilderness areas, avoid any direct contact with wild animals, especially bats, skunks, raccoons, and foxes. Enjoy wild animals from a distance, even if they seem friendly. If you see an animal acting strangely, notify local health or animal control authorities. Do not try to catch the animal yourself.
Stay away from wildlife. If any contact occurs or is suspected, get medical advice as soon as possible. Some animal bites are small, and people can be bitten without realizing it (such as when they are asleep).
If your pet is attacked or bitten by another animal, report the attack to local health or animal control authorities. Be sure your vaccinated pet gets a booster vaccination.
If a person gets bitten, don't panic. Wash the wound thoroughly with soap and lots of water. Get medical help immediately. The person might need preventive treatment. Rabies rarely occurs in humans if preventive treatment is started immediately. Alert animal control authorities so they can try to capture the animal.
Certain high-risk persons can be vaccinated against rabies. People who should consider being vaccinated include: veterinarians, persons who work with wildlife, laboratory staff who work with the rabies virus, and long-term travelers to areas where rabies is common.
 

Early Signs of Cat Illness  There are many different types of diseases you cat can suffer from, but there are some general indications that your might not be feeling well. We will describe these telltale signs for you in this section. Changes in your cat's behavior, though hard to detect, can be a sign of a serious problem. Changes in appetite or elimination are also a strong sing that your cat is coming down with something. Finally, changes in your cat's appearance are also a sign to look for.

How to Treat Cats With Asthma

  A cat can be predisposed to asthma in the same way that humans are -- from allergies. And just like people with asthma, cats can also suffer asthma attacks. During an attack you cat will have trouble breathing and will be clearly struggling to catch her breath. If an attack is serious enough, it could be fatal for your cat. In this section, we will show you the steps you can take to ease your cat's asthma. Much like a human with asthma, you might have to asthma-proof your home for your cat.

How to Treat Cats With Cystitis

  If your cat has frequent urinary or bladder problems, they might develop a highly problematic disease named cystitis. Symptoms of this condition include blood in the urine, frequent urination, or difficulty urinating. Your cat can even form something similar to kidney stones, which can be very painful. In this section, we will show how you can reduce your cat's risk for cystitis. First of all, what you feed your cat can have an enormous affect on whether or not your cat contracts cystitis. Also, stress can play a role in affecting your cat's health.  

How to Treat Cats With Diabetes

  Much like in humans, an overweight cat has a significantly higher risk of contracting diabetes. Diabetes in cats works in the exact same way that it does in people -- the body's ability to produce insulin and process sugar is hampered. Diabetes is rare among cats, especially younger cats. However, a cat with diabetes can have very dire complications. In this section, we will show you how to diagnose cat diabetes and how to reduce your cat's chances of contracting the disease. We will also alert you to the signs that your cat could be falling into hypoglycemia

How to Treat Cats With Feline Immunodeficiency Virus  

Feline Immunodeficiency Virus is sometimes referred to as feline AIDS, however, this is not entirely correct. There are some strong similarities between the two diseases, but the important distinction to make is that humans cannot, under any circumstances, catch the AIDS virus from a cat. This was a common misconception among pet owners that has lead to a lot of anxiety in the past. We will tell you how to get your cat tested for this virus and what to do if your cat has a positive reading. We will also show you how to treat your cat symptoms and how to work with your veterinarian.  

How to Treat Cats With Kidney Disease  

Kidney disease can be a silent killer of cats. The major problem is that a cat with kidney disease will probably not show any outward signs of illness until the disease has progressed to a dangerous point. Kidney disease can eventually result in kidney failure, which is often fatal for cats. We will tell you what the signs of kidney disease are and how to spot them.  

How to Treat Cats With Liver Disease

  Unlike kidney disease, liver disease will have outward symptoms that you will notice. The only problem is, the signs of liver disease are easily mistaken for other common illnesses. We will describe the warning signs of liver disease and show you how to tell them apart from other disorders. We will also show you how to work with your vet to treat your cat.  

How to Treat Cats With Tooth and Gum Disease  

If plaque builds up on cat's teeth, your cat can develop gum disease. If left untreated, your cat's gum disease could result in pain and the loss of appetite. In this section, we will show you how to administer proper dental care to your cat. We will show you the proper ways to brush your cat's teeth and what foods with produce healthy teeth for your cat.  

How to Treat Cats With Upper Respiratory Disease  

If you come down with a cold, you can probably assume that you have been exposed to a germ or virus. If your cat catches a cold, there are a small number of feline viruses that you can attribute the illness to. There are vaccines for theses viruses, but they do not guarantee that your cat will never catch a cold again. In this section, we will show how to prevent upper respiratory diseases and how to stop your cat from spreading them around the neighborhood.

Ulysses S. Grant

(born Hiram Ulysses Grant; April 27, 1822 – July 23, 1885) was the 18th President of the United States (1869–1877) as well as military commander during the Civil War and post-war Reconstruction periods. Under Grant's command, the Union Army defeated the Confederate military and ended the Confederate States of America. Grant began his lifelong career as a soldier after graduating from the United States Military Academy at West Point in 1843. Fighting in the Mexican American War, he was a close observer of the techniques of Generals Zachary Taylor and Winfield Scott. He resigned from the Army in 1854, then struggled to make a living in St. Louis and Galena, Illinois.

After the American Civil War began in April 1861, he joined the Union war effort, taking charge of training new regiments and then engaging the Confederacy near Cairo, Illinois. In 1862, he fought a series of major battles and captured a Confederate army, earning a reputation as an aggressive general who seized control of most of Kentucky and Tennessee at the Battle of Shiloh. In July 1863, after a long, complex campaign, he defeated five Confederate armies (capturing one of them) and seized Vicksburg. This famous victory gave the Union control of the Mississippi River, split the Confederacy, and opened the way for more Union victories and conquests. After another victory at the Battle of Chattanooga in late 1863, President Abraham Lincoln promoted him to the rank of lieutenant general and gave him charge of all of the Union Armies. As Commanding General of the United States Army from 1864 to 1865, Grant confronted Robert E. Lee in a series of very high casualty battles known as the Overland Campaign that ended in a stalemate siege at Petersburg. During the siege, Grant coordinated a series of devastating campaigns launched by William Tecumseh Sherman, Philip Sheridan, and George Thomas. Finally breaking through Lee's trenches at Petersburg, the Union Army captured Richmond, the Confederate capital, in April 1865. Lee surrendered to Grant at Appomattox. Soon after, the Confederacy collapsed and the Civil War ended.

During Reconstruction, Grant remained in command of the Army and implemented the Congressional plans to reoccupy the South and hold new elections in 1867 with black voters. This gave Republicans control of the Southern states. Enormously popular in the North after the Union's victory, he was elected to the presidency in 1868. Reelected in 1872, he became the first president to serve two full terms since Andrew Jackson did so forty years earlier. As president, he led Reconstruction by signing and enforcing civil rights laws and fighting Ku Klux Klan violence. He helped rebuild the Republican Party in the South, an effort that resulted in the election of African Americans to Congress and state governments for the first time. Despite these civil rights accomplishments, Grant's presidency was marred by economic turmoil and multiple scandals. His response to the Panic of 1873 and the severe depression that followed was heavily criticized. His low standards in Cabinet and federal appointments and lack of accountability generated corruption and bribery in seven government departments. In 1876, his reputation was severely damaged by the graft trials of the Whiskey Ring. In addition, his image as a war hero was tarnished by corruption scandals during his presidency. He left office at the low point of his popularity.

After leaving office, Grant embarked on a two-year world tour that was received favorably with many royal receptions. In 1880, he made an unsuccessful bid for a third presidential term. In 1884, broke and dying of cancer, he wrote his memoirs. Historians have ranked his Administration poorly due to tolerance of corruption. His presidential reputation has improved among scholars who are impressed by the Administration's support for civil rights for freed slaves.

Although a soldier by profession, I have never felt any sort of fondness for war, and I have never advocated it, except as a means of peace.
Ulysses S. Grant

Everyone has his superstitions. One of mine has always been when I started to go anywhere, accomplished.
Ulysses S. Grant

Hold fast to the Bible. To the influence of this Book we are indebted for all the progress made in true civilization and to this we must look as our guide in the future.
Ulysses S. Grant

I appreciate the fact, and am proud of it, that the attentions I am receiving are intended more for our country than for me personally.
Ulysses S. Grant

I have made it a rule of my life to trust a man long after other people gave him up, but I don't see how I can ever trust any human being again.
Ulysses S. Grant

I have never advocated war except as a means of peace.
Ulysses S. Grant

I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution.
Ulysses S. Grant

I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle," and the other isn't.
Ulysses S. Grant

I propose to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer.
Ulysses S. Grant

If men make war in slavish obedience to rules, they will fail.
Ulysses S. Grant

If you see the President, tell him from me that whatever happens there will be no turning back.
Ulysses S. Grant

In every battle there comes a time when both sides consider themselves beaten, then he who continues the attack wins.
Ulysses S. Grant

It was my fortune, or misfortune, to be called to the office of Chief Executive without any previous political training.
Ulysses S. Grant

Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately, you occasionally find men who disgrace labor.
Ulysses S. Grant

Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the church, and the private school, supported entirely by private contributions. Keep the church and state forever separate.
Ulysses S. Grant

My failures have been errors in judgment, not of intent.
Ulysses S. Grant

Nations, like individuals, are punished for their transgressions.
Ulysses S. Grant

No other terms than unconditional and immediate surrender. I propose to move immediately upon your works.
Ulysses S. Grant

The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.
Ulysses S. Grant

soccer

1. The Field of Play - The field of play is the surface on which the game of soccer is played on. This law regulates everything regarding line markings, soccer pitch dimensions and how to use them properly. For example, a soccer pitch must be between 90 and 120 meters long and 45 to 90 meters wide. However, it must also have a rectangular shape, so you can't have a square field with a length and width of 90 at the same time.

Other basic rules of soccer and field measurements are specified in this law, such as the dimensions of each goal (7.32 meters long and 2.44 meters high), the diameter of the centre circle (18.30 meters) or the distance between the penalty spot and the goal (11 meters, perpendicularly on the goal)

soccer

2. The Ball - Throughout the time, the rules for soccer regarding the football remained the same, but the way in which they were applied was on a constant change. The rules state that the soccer bull must have a circumference between 68 and 70 centimeters and a weight between 410 and 450 grams but they also state that the ball can be made out of "leather or any similar material".

Well that "any similar material" bit constantly improved over time and nowadays soccer balls reached near-perfection. Almost each World Cup brought a new type of soccer ball, with improved characteristics, although all of them stayed inside the official soccer rules stated in the Laws.

soccer

4. The Player's Equipment - Just like with the soccer ball, soccer equipment maintained most of the original rules in the Laws of the Game, but the way people interpret them today is quite different from how they did back in 1863. Basically the rules of soccer say that a player must wear a shirt or jersey, footwear, shin pads, shorts and socks and the two teams must have different equipment so that they can be differentiated on the pitch.

Back then however, a soccer jersey was a largely uncomfortable one and it was very simple, without too many details strapped on it. Today's jerseys are very light and comfortable and on many occasions they have the club's sponsors imprinted on them, they have the number of the player (and the name in some cases) on the back and the club's badge on the chest. These are not enforced by the soccer rules, but they have become common standards in today's game.

soccer

5. The Referee - Well the man in black (or more recently phosphorus green) is probably the biggest "invention" that came with the initial soccer rules constitution and his role is to enforce these official rules of soccer "in connection to the match he has been appointed to".

The center referee is accompanied and helped by two assistant referees (one on each side of the pitch) and a fourth one that handles small issues like showing injury time duration, checking a substitute player's equipment and replacing one of the three main referees if they can't continue the game.

soccer

6. The Assistant Referees - As I explained above, the assistant referees are placed on the sides of the pitch (one each) and their main role is to help the main referee with some decisions. Actually, the assistant referee has no decision power, he can only signal a game issue (an offside, a foul, handball and so forth) but it's up to the central ref if he's or she is going to take up the assistant's advice.

soccer

7. The Duration of the Match - Standard adult games are limited by the official soccer rules to two halves of 45 minutes each, separated by a 15 minutes break. This is not the actual time of play, since this 90 minute clock ticks even when the ball is out of play, during substitutions and so forth. In order to try to balance this timing a bit, the end of each half also brings a few minutes of "injury time" on the table.

In some cases, when the match must have a winner (a knockout match for example), two extra mini-periods of 15 minutes each, with no break between them are added. If the match is tied at the end of extra time as well, the players go on for a penalty-shootout that will eventually decide the winner.

soccer

8. The Start and Restart of Play - There are 8 reasons for which the game can be stopped and similarly, 8 ways to restart it. Each period of time starts with a kick-off (1) and the game is also restarted with a kick-off if a team scores a goal. If the ball goes out on the side lines, the player who last touched the ball conceded a throw-in (2). The game is restarted with the other team throwing the ball back into play.

The goal kick (3) is awarded to the defending team, if the attacking team took the ball out of play on the defending team's goal line. The game is restarted with the goalkeeper kicking it from within the safety box. If the defending team touches the ball last and it goes over their own goal line, outside of the goal itself, then the opposing team earns a corner kick (4) and they will be required to restart the game from the corner nearest to where the ball went out.

An indirect free kick (5) is awarded when a team produces a non-penal foul (dangerous play or offside for example) and the game is restarted with a ground kick that cannot be taken towards goal (if a player scores directly from an indirect free kick, without another player touching the ball, the goal won't stand). A direct free kick (6) is caused by a foul or handball and unlike the indirect free kick it can be struck directly towards the goal.

A penalty kick (7) is similar to a direct free kick in that it is caused by a foul or handball, but the offence occurs inside the defending team's penalty area. The game is restarted with one of the attacking team's players shooting for goal from the penalty spot (11 meters, perpendicularly on goal), with nothing but a goalkeeper to beat.

The last of these eight soccer rules is rarer and it's called the dropped ball (8). The dropped ball occurs when the referee stops the game for a special reason (an injured player, ball becoming defective or the interference of an external factor) and the game is restarted with him dropping the ball from shoulder height in front of two players who will battle for possession (sort of how basketball matches decide initial possession).

soccer

9. Ball In and Out of Play - According to the official soccer rules, the ball is in play all throughout the match duration, except when it passes a bounding line (goal lines and touch lines), when an offence occurs or when play is stopped by the referee. In these particular cases, the ball is out of play and the soccer players cannot score goals or interact with the ball. In addition, substitutions can only occur when the ball is out of play according to the rules for the game of soccer.

soccer

10. The Methods of Scoring - As long as the ball is in play and no infringements of any soccer rules are being made, the players can score goals. A goal is considered when the ball crosses one of the goal areas with its entire circumference. Goals can be scored from action, from penalty spots and direct free kicks

soccer

12. Fouls and Misconduct - There's a difference between fouls and misconduct that many people fail to understand. A foul can occur when a player tries to get the ball from his opponent and kicks him or pushes him away accidentally, whereas misconduct means that a player willfully targets his opponent and punches, kicks or pushes him away.

Fouls can only occur when the ball is in play, but misconduct can occur when it's out of play as well. Depending on the seriousness of the foul or misconduct, the referee can penalize it with a yellow or red card in addition to a free kick or penalty kick.

soccer

13. Free Kicks - I've explained most of the soccer rules regarding free kicks in "Soccer Rule Number 8 – The Start and Restart of Play". One additional soccer rule worth mentioning is that players from the opposing team must be at least 9.15 meters away from the position where the free kick will be struck. Also, the player that kicks the ball initially on a free kick cannot touch it again until a teammate or opposing player touches it.

soccer

14. Penalty Kicks - Penalty kicks are conceded when a defended player fouls or commits handball inside the 18 yard box (commonly known as the penalty box). It's important to know that not all offences inside the penalty box are punished with a penalty kick. For example, if a player commits dangerous play inside his own penalty box, the referee will award an indirect free kick from the place that the offence occurred.

When the penalty kick is taken, the only two players in the 18 yard box are the penalty taker and the defending team's goalkeeper. Everyone else must sit outside the box and can only move towards the ball once it is kicked. So if the penalty is saved by the goalkeeper or strikes the bar, a player could run from the edge of the box and gain possession.

soccer

15. The Throw In - When the ball goes out of play on the side lines, the opponent of the player who last touched the ball will take a throw in. The throwing method has to follow some rather strict rules; otherwise the referee might dictate a throw in for the other team. The player taking the throw must keep his feet outside the side line, with the sole on the ground and the actual throw must be executed with the ball over the thrower's head.

soccer

16. The Goal Kick - The goal kick is a means of restarting play after the attacking team took the ball over the defending team's byline. The goal kick acts as a direct free kick, so if a player would kick the ball so hard that it would reach the opposing team's goal and score, the goal would count.

One extra soccer rule regarding the goal kick states that the kick must be powerful enough to pass the penalty area. So in case the goalkeeper executes the goal kick and passes the ball to a teammate in his own penalty box, the goal kick is re-taken.

soccer

17. The Corner Kick - The last of the 17 rules of soccer refers to the corner kick, which occurs when the ball passes over the defending player's goal line, with a defender having touched the ball last. The corner kick acts as a direct free kick taken from the corner of the pitch (if the ball passes the line on the left of the goal, the corner is taken from the left corner and if it passes on the right, the corner is taken from the right corner).

The same rules as for a direct free kick apply, in that opposing players must be at least 9.15 meters away from the corner, the corner taker may score directly from the corner kick and the kicker can't play the ball a second time until it's touched by another player. The only additional rule is that the ball be placed in the corner arc.

Well that's pretty much all you need to know about soccer and soccer rules. Most of these rules seem harder than they actually are on paper and if you watch a couple of matches you'll soon get the hang of them naturally. The only one that requires some special attention is the offside soccer rule, which indeed can be harder to understand without the proper explanation, so check out the offside article on the site for a more detailed clarification on that.

The soccer ball

1. As legend has it, soccer started in a rather grim setting during the middle ages. In Europe and more specifically, in England, the first forms of "mob soccer" were played after public executions, when the head of the poor victim was thrown in the crowd and the mob started kicking it aggressively. With lot's of executions being performed during that period in England, it's easy to understand why the Brits took this sport as their own. Still, leaving legend aside, let's pass on to the fact-based history of soccer balls.

Since the history of the soccer game can be traced back to ancient times, it's quite clear that the soccer balls used back then were improvisations made out of daily used materials. The Aztecs used small, bouncy rubber balls in their basketball-soccer game of hoop kicking, whereas Chinese warriors would often enjoy a game of no-rules soccer using sewn up leather balls stuffed with light materials.

The soccer ball

2. However, leather soccer balls were a luxury those days (who would spare a fine piece of leather for some silly game, when it could have been used for clothing, making bags out of or using it in armors?).

The most common type of soccer ball in ancient times, at least in Europe and Asia, was made out of animal bladder. Since pigs were the most common source of food for winter sustenance, their bladders were often extracted, cleaned, inflated and kicked around.

The soccer ball

3.Although pig-bladder soccer balls were quite resistant, they were extremely light and could not have been used for more than a simple game of "hold the ball in the air", so calling them "soccer balls" is an overstatement at best.

Good thing THAT particular sport didn't evolve or we would still be playing soccer with balloons. When someone, somewhere had the idea to use stuffed leather in order to create a kicking object, we could very well state that it meant the start of a new era in the history of soccer balls and the soccer game.

Leather balls were harder, more controllable and more durable, although not as elastic as the rubber balls used in the Americas. However one of the biggest problems of that period's soccer balls, be they made of leather, rubber or bladder, was that they were highly irregular in shape and size, which made them less controllable.

The soccer ball

4. In 1836, Charles Goodyear did us all a favor and patented vulcanized rubber and although his invention was to be used in more important areas at that time, it also helped taking the history of soccer balls one step forward, with the introduction of the first vulcanized rubber soccer balls (which were also designed by Goodyear, reportedly a fan of the game) in 1855.

From 1855 until today, the history of the soccer game evolved tremendously and so did its "work object", which evolved more in a century than it did in the entire history of soccer balls prior to this period.

Modern technology and the exponentially rising popularity and financial strength of soccer all worked together in bringing state-of-the-art super soccer balls and taking the history of soccer balls one step further.

The soccer ball

5. We could say that the trend was always renewed each 4 years, with the introduction of a new World Cup soccer ball. It has been almost a tradition to have a new and improved soccer ball at each World Cup, each with its own characteristics.

For example, the World Cup soccer balls used in 2002 in Korea and Japan were lighter than those used as standard before and made out of a material that would be more controllable, favoring technically skilled players and thus, rising the entertainment value.

In 2006 at the Germany World Cup, a new soccer ball was introduced, which sparked the anger of many goalkeepers, including veteran Oliver Kahn.

The soccer ball

6. The soccer ball, as Kahn and many other goalies would notice, is "built in favor of the striker" meaning that it has several characteristics that make shots stay on the ground and thus, having more chances to hit the goal.

On the other side of the barricade, many strikers stated that the 2006 World Cup soccer ball was extremely comfortable to shoot and that it didn't have the usual unintentional mid-air swerve that most other balls had.

International Soccer - Argentina
Argentina has been a constant presence on the World soccer scene and they were always considered a strong soccer country. Argentina managed to reach the World Cup final on its first tournament in 1930, losing in front of Uruguay, who organized the event on that occasion.

But Argentina's best period was between 1978 and 1990, when they managed to win the World Cup twice, in 1978 and 1986, reaching another final in 1990, but losing it in favor of Western Germany.

Players like Maradona, Burruchaga or Valdano are still considered national heroes for their performances during that period of time and Maradona is considered the best footballer in the World, next to Pele of Brazil.

International Soccer - Brazil
Throughout history, Brazil had the best performances in World Cup tournaments, winning the big prize on 5 occasions, in 1958, 1962, 1970, 1994 and 2002 and participating in two more finals in 1950 and 1998. Players such as Zico, Garrincha, Pele, Rivelino sparked the huge passion for soccer in Brazil by winning the first three World Cups and today, names like Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Romario or Dunga are modern heroes that every Brazilian kid has as a role model.

International Soccer - England
Although soccer wasn't invented in England, since documents of early versions of the game were found all across the World, it's the English that modernized soccer and started the international phenomenon that it's become today. They were the first nation to have professional soccer clubs and it's the English that created the Laws of the Game as early as 1863, the "constitution" that is still the book of soccer rules nowadays (obviously, some of the laws were modified to adapt to modern times). You would think the English, being the modern "re-inventors" of soccer, would be the dominant nation in soccer history, but in truth they only managed to win one World Cup in 1966, on home ground. They're still regarded as a force amongst soccer nations though and players such as David Beckham, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney are international stars.

International Soccer - France
Although France was one of the first countries to adopt professional soccer, their early performances were nothing compared to the ones obtained in the past three decades. The string of successes at national team level was sparked by Michel Platini and his 1984 France squad, which won the European Championship hosted on home grounds. Their best years however were at the end of the millennium, when they managed to win the World Cup in 1998 for the first time (again, on home ground), achieve the second European Championship win in the 2000 tournament hosted by the Netherlands and Belgium and recently managed to reach the 2006 World Cup final, a final that they lost after a hard struggle against Italy. Players like Zinedine Zidane, Patrick Vieira, Thierry Henry or Fabien Barthez are stand poles of these recent performances.

International Soccer - Germany
It's amazing how a country which was heavily involved in both World Wars and had to go through major economic, politic and social struggles managed to be so successful as a soccer country. Germany beat all odds, winning the World Cup on three occasions, in 1954, 1974 and 1990, reaching another 4 finals in 1966, 1982, 1986 and 2002 and obtaining 3 bronze medals in 1934, 1970 and 2006.
German soccer clubs are also extremely powerful in European competitions and the German Bundesliga is considered one of the top championships in the World, next to the Italian, Spanish and English.

International Soccer - Italy
If England invented modern soccer, it's Italy that brought in the concepts of tactics and defensive play. Basically, Italian players were always renowned for their tactical and defensive prowess and the Italian Serie A is considered one of the toughest championships from this point of view. The Italy national squad managed to take advantage of these new soccer concepts and won the World Cup on 4 occasions, in 1934, 1938, 1982 and in 2006. Although Italian soccer was always accused of being too score-driven and lacking beauty, it's certainly the most efficient out there.

International Soccer - Spain
Spanish soccer doesn't have outstanding performances on national team level, since they only managed to win one title, the European Championship in 1964. However, their national La Liga is regarded by many as the most important club championship in the World. Some of the best players in the World have gone through (or are still playing in) La Liga and clubs such as Real Madrid or FC Barcelona are constant contenders to the most valuable European competition, the UEFA Champions League.

International Soccer - Mexico
Mexico slowly built a name in international soccer and despite the fact that they didn't manage to win any important trophy (nor even come close), the Mexican national side is undoubtedly one of the strongest in the Americas. It's hard to compete with Argentina and Brazil for dominance on the continent, but Mexico could definitely step up for the challenge in the upcoming years, with players such as Rafael Marquez or Giovanni Dos Santos rising on the scene of top flight soccer.

International Soccer - United States
The United States were generally regarded as a country where soccer was scarcely popular, with basketball, baseball and American football coming on top of the people's favorite team sports.

However, the past two decades sparked a major interest in soccer in the U.S., with the outstanding performances of the Women's National team (World Cup winners on two occasions), the organization of the 1994 World Cup and the birth of the Major League Soccer (MLS) in 1997.

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Mumford & Sons are an English folk rock band. The band consists of Marcus Mumford (vocals, guitar, drums, mandolin), Ben Lovett (vocals, keyboards, accordion, drums), "Country" Winston Marshall (vocals, banjo, dobro), and Ted Dwane (vocals, string bass, drums, guitar). The band formed in October 2007, rising out of what some in the media labelled the "West London folk scene" with other artists such as Laura Marling, Johnny Flynn and Noah and the Whale.

Mumford & Sons recorded an EP, Love Your Ground, and toured extensively in the UK to expose audiences to their music and build support for an eventual album. Their debut album, Sigh No More, was released in the United Kingdom in October 2009, and February 2010 in the United States. The album peaked at number two on the UK Album Chart and the Billboard 200 in the US.

The band gained popularity throughout 2010, performing for larger audiences and making their first network television appearances in the U.S. On 1 December 2010, the band received two Grammy Award nominations, one for Best New Artist and the other for Best Rock Song ("Little Lion Man"). They won the ARIA Music Award for Most Popular International Artist in 2010, and the Brit Award in 2011 for Best British Album.

After The Storm
Mumford & Sons

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Awake My Soul
Mumford & Sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

Dust Bowl Dance
Mumford & Sons

The young man stands on the edge of his porch
The days were short and the father was gone
There was no one in the town and no one in the field
This dusty barren land had given all it could yield

I've been kicked off my land at the age of sixteen
And I have no idea where else my heart could have been
I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill
And now I am sure my heart can never be still
So collect your courage and collect your horse
And pray you never feel this same kind of remorse

Seal my heart and brake my pride
I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide
Align my heart, my body, my mind
To face what I've done and do my time

Well you are my accuser, now look in my face
Your opression reeks of your greed and disgrace
So one man has and another has not
How can you love what it is you have got
When you took it all from the weak hands of the poor?
Liars and thieves you know not what is in store

There will come a time I will look in your eye
You will pray to the God that you always denied
The I'll go out back and I'll get my gun
I'll say, "You haven't met me, I am the only son"

Seal my heart and brake my pride
I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide
Align my heart, my body, my mind
To face what I've done and do my time

Well yes sir, yes sir, yes it was me
I know what I've done, cause I know what I've seen
I went out back and I got my gun
I said, "You haven't met me, I am the only son"

feel the tide turning
Mumford & Sons

She sits him down in a stiff chair
Rubs his back and strokes his hair
Telling him it's okay to cry
But he just sits and stares
The merciless moon outside
Has nothing now he's come to realise
Only the desolation he feels
The cold distance inside

But you and I now
We can be alright
Just hold on to what we know is true
You and I now
Though it's cold inside
Feel the tide turning

While the priest just sits and weeps
Lamenting the fact that he can see
Darkness and light in so much detail
He has given himself over
Refusing what he knows to be real
He turns away from every meal
Starving himself of goodness
He doesn't think he can heal

But you and I now
We can be alright
Just hold on to what we know is true
You and I now
Though it's cold inside
Feel the tide turning

"What if I lost all I had?"
Said the stranger to his dad
And the witness was confused
He can't tell what is bad
Instead he runs up to the nearest girl
And he comments on her glorious curls
Says, "Darling come with me
I'll show you a whole new world"

But you and I now
We can be alright
Just hold on to what we know is true
You and I now
Though it's cold inside
Feel the tide turning

Liar Lyrics
Mumford & Sons

I know that things are broken
And though there's too many words left unsaid
You say you have spoken
Like the coward I am I hang my head

You lie careless your head on my chest
And don't even look at me looking my best
And all these things I can't describe
You would rather I didn't try

But please don't cry, you liar
Oh please don't cry, you liar
Oh please don't cry, you liar

Oh please don't cry, you liar
Oh please don't cry, you liar
Oh please don't cry, you liar

And you lean in for your last kiss
Who in this world could ask me to resist
Your hands cold as they find my neck
Oh this love that I've found, I detest

Nile – Kagera
(4,258) miles in length

Amazon river 6,400 km in length

Yangtze
6,300 km in length

Mississippi river 6,275 km in length

Yenisei river
5,539 km in length

Yellow River
5,464 km in length

Ob – Irtysh 5,410 km in length

Paraná - Río de la Plata
4,880 km in length

Congo river 4,700 km in length

Amur river 4,444 km in length

today in history

William Shakespeare born, 1564

AMERICAN REVOLUTION
John Paul Jones burns Whitehaven, England,
1778

today in history

AUTOMOTIVE
Chrysler buys luxury automaker Lamborghini, 1987

CIVIL WAR
"Panic has seized the country," writes Davis, 1865

COLD WAR
Truman confronts Molotov, 1945

CRIME
Sirhan Sirhan receives death penalty, 1969

today in history

HOLLYWOOD
Otto Preminger dies, 1986

LITERARY
Birth and death of William Shakespeare celebrated, 1564

today in history

MUSIC
Judy Garland plays Carnegie Hall, 1961

OLD WEST
Byers publishes first Denver newspaper, 1859

today in history

PRESIDENTIAL
James Buchanan is born, 1791

SPORTS
Hank Aaron hits first home run of his MLB career, 1954

today in history

VIETNAM WAR
Ford says that war is finished for America, 1975

WORLD WAR I
Poet-soldier Rupert Brooke dies in Greece, 1915

WORLD WAR II
Germans begin "Baedeker Raids" on England, 1942

Hi, Nice to meet you.

$\:\)$

Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He's in the Middle East, and he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch.

But there was one little episode while Barack Obama was overseas. He was in Jerusalem, and he was heckled. And he's not used to being heckled, because everybody likes the guy wherever he goes so nobody heckles him. And this woman was just furious and nasty and heckling him, and finally he said, "All right, Hillary, knock it off!"

While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no, John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox.

You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.

"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu." –Jimmy Fallon  

"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden." –David Letterman

"I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has written two books, her daughter Bristol has a book coming out – and now Levi Johnston is writing one too. Who would’ve ever guessed that America’s greatest literary dynasty would come out of an igloo?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a beautifully, lovely spring day. It was so nice down in Washington that President Obama was out on the White House lawn making a kite out of his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama finally showed his birth certificate and it turns out he was born in Hawaii, of all places." –Jimmy Kimmel

  “These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno

 "Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, 'I'm very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish.' So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap." –Jay Leno

 "It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it." –Jay Leno

"The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless." –Jay Leno

"After releasing the birth certificate today, he said 'There's work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don't have time for this silliness.' Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah." –Jay Leno  

The President of the United States should strive to be always mindful of the fact that he serves his party best who serves his country best.
Rutherford B. Hayes

The progress of society is mainly the improvement in the condition of the workingmen of the world.
Rutherford B. Hayes

The filth and noise of the crowded streets soon destroy the elasticity of health which belongs to the country boy.
Rutherford B. Hayes

The independence of all political and other bother is a happiness.
Rutherford B. Hayes

One of the tests of the civilization of people is the treatment of its criminals.
Rutherford B. Hayes

The bold enterprises are the successful ones. Take counsel of hopes rather than of fears to win in this business.
Rutherford B. Hayes

No person connected with me by blood or marriage will be appointed to office.
Rutherford B. Hayes

The truth is, this being errand boy to one hundred and fifty thousand people tires me so by night I am ready for bed instead of soirees.
Rutherford B. Hayes

It is the desire of the good people of the whole country that sectionalism as a factor in our politics should disappear...'
Rutherford B. Hayes

Law without education is a dead letter. With education the needed law follows without effort and, of course, with power to execute itself; indeed, it seems to execute itself.
Rutherford B. Hayes

In avoiding the appearance of evil, I am not sure but I have sometimes unnecessarily deprived myself and others of innocent enjoyments.
Rutherford B. Hayes

Let every man, every corporation, and especially let every village, town, and city, every county and State, get out of debt and keep out of debt. It is the debtor that is ruined by hard times.
Rutherford B. Hayes

I am less disposed to think of a West Point education as requisite for this business than I was at first. Good sense and energy are the qualities required.
Rutherford B. Hayes

I am not liked as a President by the politicians in office, in the press, or in Congress. But I am content to abide the judgment the sober second thought of the people.
Rutherford B. Hayes

He serves his party best who serves his country best.
Rutherford B. Hayes

I am a radical in thought (and principle) and a conservative in method (and conduct).
Rutherford B. Hayes

Do not let your bachelor ways crystallize so that you can't soften them when you come to have a wife and a family of your own.
Rutherford B. Hayes

Conscience is the authentic voice of God to you.
Rutherford B. Hayes

Must swear off from swearing. Bad habit.
Rutherford B. Hayes

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live inMinnesota.

If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year becauseInternationalFallsis the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live inMinnesota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota

If you know how to say...Wayzata... Mahtomedi.... Cloquet Edina... and Shakopee,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
You might live in Minnesota.

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota.

You measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota

You know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Minnesota.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Minnesota

You carry jumper cables in your car,and your girlfriend knows how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time,
You might live in Minnesota.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can identify a southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota.

If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota

You know "a brat" is something you eat,
You might live in Minnesota.

You find -10 degrees "a little chilly",
You might live in Minnesota.

A Minnesota Birthday

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father,his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January. You were born in July!

God and Minnesota

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today, I am going to create a land called Minnesota. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of 10,000 beautiful lakes, each full of fish, and beautiful landscapes with sprawling prairies of tall grass and beautiful blue skies, and rich, fertile farmland.

The land will be rich in natural resources and populated by people so friendly they shall be known far and wide as 'Minnesota Nice,"

Gabriel replies, "That sounds truly wonderful. But, don't you think you are being too generous to these Minnesotans?"

"Not really,' chuckles God. "Wait and see the winters I am going to give them."

65°
Arizonans turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60°
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50°
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..

40°
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35°
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before cold weather sets in.

20°
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

0°
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

10° below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

20° below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

30° below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

-40°
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"

-50°
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open two hours late.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends,
You DO live in Minnesota.

I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. - Villain

Let's do what we do best Scoob, eat. - Shaggy

Now listen up, there is absolutely no such thing as a... MONSTER! - Freddy

Scooby-Doo, where are you? - Shaggy

Let's split up, gang! - Freddy

Jinkies! - Velma

This place makes me so nervious, all I can think of is food! - Shaggy

Zoinks, it's the creepy coin collector again! - Shaggy

Scooby, like wow! Too late! He's gone to that great boneyard in the sky! - Shaggy

Maybe we can dig up some answers to this mystery! - Freddy

No Shaggy, we're going to Solve this mystery! - Freddy

Well gang, I guess that wraps up the mystery. - Freddy

Would you do it for a Scoobie Snack? - Daffanie

It sure would help if we could find another clue! - Freddy

Like wow! Look at all them finger prints - Shaggy

Like there's times I'll do anything for a Scoobie Snack - Shaggy

Zoinks, It's the goonie ghost! - Shaggy

He thought he could scare you into giving up the family fortune - Freddy

Boy oh boy, it's a flying skeleton! - Scrappy Doo

Thanks guys, you got a lot of... a lot of... well, whatever it is, you got a lot of it. - Michael Jordan - Space Jam

Listen, this is a man's game. You can't play! - Michael Jordan - Space Jam

If you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks... But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. - Michael Jordan

My heroes are and were my parents. I can't see having anyone else as my heroes. - Michael Jordan

Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence wins championships. - Michael Jordan

My body could stand the crutches but my mind couldn't stand the sideline. - Michael Jordan

There is no "i" in team but there is in win. - Michael Jordan

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan

I don't do things half-heartedly. Because I know if I do, then I can expect half-hearted results. - Michael Jordan

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. - Michael Jordan

I've failed over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan

I don't do things half-heartedly. Because I know if I do, then I can expect half-hearted results. - Michael Jordan

I never looked at the consequences of missing a big shot... when you think about the consequences you always think of a negative result. - Michael Jordan

Always turn a negative situation into a positive situation. - Michael Jordan

I can accept failure, but I can't accept not trying. - Michael Jordan

Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships. - Michael Jordan

Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game. - Michael Jordan

DeeDee!! Get out of my laboratory!!!!! -Dexter

You are stupid! You are Stupid! And don't forget....You are STUPID!!-Dexter

Your right. Im not a beefy cake. Im just a, Just a cupcake. -Dexter

Say no more, Dexter, oh ye of little mind. I'll save the day and take all the glory! -Mandark

Just because I like to have fun doesn't mean I'm stupid Dexter! I may not understand all that scientifical, mathmatical stuff; but I know how to dance, I know how how to pet a kitty, and I know how to tie my shoes Mr.zipper-boots! You toil away, alone in your lab, looking for answers to questions nobody asked. If you really want me to leave, I will! Good-bye Dexter, I won't bother you anymore." -DeeDee

i just like it when he says "U R STUPEED!" the way he says it is funny. -Dexter

"Why don't you go talk to trees, or whatever it is you do!" -Dexter

Yes Dexter, I can read your thoughts. And I AM smarter than you. -Mandark

Dexter, I am your father. Dexter: [Gasp] That's not possible! Oh wait, no, you are right. -Dad Dexter

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Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican? A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. How come Mike Tyson's eye's water during sex? A. Mace

Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night? A. She doesn't, she eats out!
Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp? A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall? A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick? A. Hugh Grant.

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven? A. A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? A. Her dog was blind too.

Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? A. Washed her hands with soap.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone? A. He was too busy playing the hormonic.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress? A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?" A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky? A. The pool table in the oval office.

Greek Cookies (Koulourakia)

2 1/4 cups Flour
1 1/4 tsp Baking powder
1/4 tsp Salt
1/2 cup Butter, softened
1 cup Powdered Sugar
1 Egg
2 tbsp Brandy or Milk
1 tsp Vanilla
1 Egg Yolk + 1 tbsp Milk beaten together
3 tbsp Sesame Seeds

In medium bowl combine flour, baking powder, salt, set aside. In a large bowl combine butter and sugar, beating until fluffy. Add egg, brandy, vanilla and beat well after each addition. Add flour mixture /cup at a time blending will after each addition. Roll 1 teaspoon of the dough on a sparingly floured surface into a 6-inch rope. Fold rope in half, twisting 2 or 3 times. Pinch ends together. Place 1 inch apart on 3 greased cookie sheets. Brush with egg and milk mixture. Sprinkle cookies with the sesame seeds. Bake 10-13 minutes in a preheated 375oF oven until golden. Cool on rack. Store in an air tight container at room temperature. Makes 4 1/2 dozen cookies.

Old Fashioned Soft Sugar Cookies

4 1/2 cups Flour
2 tsp Baking powder
1 tsp Baking soda
1/2 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Nutmeg
1 1/2 cup Shortening
2 cups Sugar
2 Eggs
1 tsp Vanilla extract
1/2 tsp Lemon extract
1 cup Buttermilk

Stir together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and the nutmeg. In large mixing bowl, beat shortening for 30 seconds until smooth and creamy. Add sugar and beat until fluffy. Add in eggs, vanilla extract and lemon extract, beating well. Add in flour mixture, beating until thoroughly mixed. Divide mixture in half. Cover with plastic wrap and chill about 3 hours or until it is easy to handle. To make large cookies, roll the dough 1/2 inch thick. Cut into rounds with a round 3 inch cookie cutter or glass. To make small cookies, roll the dough about 3/8 inch thick and cut into smaller rounds, about 2 inches. Place cookies 2 1/2 inches apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Sprinkle cookies with additional sugar. Use colored sugar, if desired. Bake cookies in a 375 degree F oven for 10-12 mins. Remove cookies to cool.

No Bake Chocolate Cookies

12 oz. bag Chocolate chips
1 can sweetened condensed milk
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp water
20 graham crackers (crushed)
1/2 cup coconut
1/2 cup chopped nuts

In a saucepan, over medium heat, stir together chocolate chips and butter until the chocolate has melted. Stir in the graham crackers, coconut and nuts. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto waxed paper.

AMISH SNICKERDOODLES

1/2 c. margarine
1/2 c. Crisco solid shortening
2 eggs
1 1/2 c. sugar
2 3/4 c. flour
2 tsp. cream of tarter
1 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
2 tbsp. sugar
2 tsp. cinnamon

Mix first four ingredients thoroughly. Presift the next 4 ingredients together. Add to the first mixture. Form balls (walnut size). Roll into mixture of sugar and cinnamon. Place about 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 8 to 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Cookies will flatten into circles as they cook. May top with red hots or leave unadorned. Store well in Tupperware and can be frozen.

The Ultimate Brownie

5 ounces unsweetened baking chocolate

2/3 cup butter or margarine

1 3/4 cups sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla

3 eggs

1 cup all-purpose flour

1 cup chopped nuts

Heat oven to 350º. Grease square pan, 9 H 9 H 2 inches. Melt chocolate and butter over low heat, stirring frequently; remove from heat. Cool slightly.

Beat sugar, vanilla and eggs in large bowl with electric mixer on high speed 5 minutes. Beat in chocolate mixture on low speed. Beat in flour just until blended. Stir in nuts.

Spread batter in pan. Bake 40 to 45 minutes or just until brownies begin to pull away from sides of pan. Cool completely. Cut into 6 rows by 4 rows.

Best Ever Big Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

This is the my favorite and certainly what I believe to be the best chocolate chip cookie recipe. These cookies are nice and big, the kind you find in a bakery, but even better, because you made them!

4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 1/2 cups unsalted butter (melted)
2 cups brown sugar (firmly packed)
1 cup white sugar
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
2 eggs
2 egg yolks
3 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips or chunks

Preheat oven to 325 F. Grease cookie sheets. Combine flour, baking soda and salt in one bowl. In another bowl, cream melted butter and both the brown sugar and white sugar until well blended. Beat in the vanilla, egg, and egg yolk until the consistency is light and creamy. Mix in the flour, baking soda and salt from the other bowl until blended. Stir in the chocolate chunks by hand. Drop 1/4 cup of dough onto the prepared cookie sheets. The cookies should be about 3 inches apart as they spread a bit. Bakefor 15 to 18 minutes at 325F or until golden brown. Let sit on baking sheets for a few minutes before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

Notes: Lots of possible variations with this one. Substitute the semisweet chocolate chips with white chocolate chunks, peanut butter chips, milk chocolate chips or a mixture. You can also add whatever nuts you like. This recipe works best and has been tested with all these options but the best option is still the classic chocolate chips or preferrably chocolate chunks. Please enjoy the best huge chocolate chip cookie recipe!

Butterfly Cookies

1 Package won ton wrappers
1 c Powdered sugar
Oil for deep frying

PREPARATION: Cut each won ton wrapper into 2 rectangles. Lay one rectangle on top of the other to form a double thickness. Make three 1/2-inch slits in the center, lengthwise. To form a bow, pull one end through the middle slit.

COOKING: Deep fry butterflies until golden, about 1 minute or less. Drain on paper towel. Sift powdered sugar over both sides. Cool.

DO-AHEAD NOTES: These keep several weeks in air-tight containers.

COMMENTS: These can also be made from egg roll wrappers but they're three times as large. I prefer using won ton wrappers because I think their mini size makes them more attractive.

Fudgy Bat Cookies

9 oz Chocolate wafer cookies
4 oz Milk chocolate candy melts

Use a serrated knife to carefully cut 18 of the cookies into quarters. Save remaining cookies for another use. For each bat, place 2 cookie quarters 1/4" apart on waxed paper. Repeat with remaining quarters. Melt candy melts. Drop about 1/2 teaspoon of melted candy at center of each bat, connecting cookies. Use a toothpick to smooth melted candy into a uniform circle. Cool completely before removing from waxed paper.

The Best Peanut Butter Cookies

1 cup Butter or margarine
1 cup Light brown sugar
1 cup Sugar
2 large Eggs (well beaten)
1 cup Peanut butter
3 cups Flour
2 tsp Baking soda
1/4 tsp Salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Beat butter until soft and creamy, then add both sugars and beat until well blended. Add in eggs, and beat until light and smooth. Add the peanut butter and mix well. Combine together flour, baking soda and salt and add to peanut butter mixture, beating well. Roll dough into small balls, about 1 inch round and place onto ungreased baking sheets. Flatten each cookie with a fork that has been dipped in flour, making a criss cross design. Bake for 8-10 minutes or until the edges are slightly golden browned. Remove from baking sheets to cool.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter No-Bakes

1 (6 ounce) package semisweet chocolate chips (1 cup)

1/4 cup light corn syrup

1/4 cup peanut butter

2 tablespoons milk

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 cups quick-cooking oats

1 cup peanuts

Cover cookie sheet with waxed paper. Heat chocolate chips, corn syrup, peanut butter, milk and vanilla in 3-quart saucepan over medium heat, stirring constantly, until chocolate is melted and mixture is smooth; remove from heat. Stir in oats and peanuts until well coated.

Drop mixture by rounded tablespoonfuls onto waxed paper. Refrigerate uncovered about 1 hour or until firm. Store covered in refrigerator.

Easy-Yet-Elegant Raspberry Bars

1 (19.8-ounce) package fudge brownie mix (1 pound

3.8 ounce package)

1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese -- softened

1/2 cup powdered sugar

1/2 cup raspberry preserves

1 ounce unsweetened baking chocolate

1 tablespoon butter or margarine

Heat oven to 350º. Prepare and bake brownie mix as directed on package for fudgelike brownies in rectangular pan, 13 H 9 H 2 inches. Cool completely. Beat cream cheese, powdered sugar and preserves in small bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth. Spread over brownies. Refrigerate 15 minutes.

Microwave chocolate and butter in small microwavable bowl on Medium (50%) about 1 minute or until mixture can be stirred smooth. Drizzle over brownies. Refrigerate about 1 hour or until chocolate is firm. Cut into 6 rows by 3 rows. Store covered in refrigerator.

Monster Cookie Recipe

Ingredients:

6 eggs
3 cups brown sugar
2 cups granulated white sugar
1 Tbsp. vanilla extract
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
3 cups creamy peanut butter
9 cups oatmeal (must be old fashioned rolled oats)
2 cups plain M & M's
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
4 tsp. baking soda

Directions:

1. Cream eggs, butter, sugars, vanilla, and peanut butter.

2. In a separate bowl; mix oatmeal, M&Ms, chocolate chips, and baking soda.

3. Combine dry ingredients with creamed mixture and mix well.

4. Drop by large scoopfuls on to cookie sheet.

5. Bake at 350 degrees F for 12 minutes.

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies
Ingredients:

1 cup unsalted butter, melted
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 1/4 cups packed light brown sugar
1 Tablespoon vanilla
2 eggs
2 cups plus 2 Tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup coarsely chopped nuts, optional
1 (12 ounce) package semisweet chocolate chips (2 cups)

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 375 degrees F.

2. Beat butter, vanilla, sugars, and eggs in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed. Stir in flour, salt, and baking soda. A stiff dough will form.

3. Stir in chocolate chips, and if using nuts add also.

4. Drop dough by rounded tablespoons onto ungreased cookie sheet 2 inches apart.

5. Bake about 10 to 12 minutes. Cool 1 to 2 minutes then finish cooling on wire rack.

Chocolate Shortbread Cookies
Ingredients:

3/4 cups powdered sugar
1 1/2 cups (3 sticks) butter, softened
3 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup baking cocoa
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 325 degrees F.

2. Beat powdered sugar and butter in large bowl with on medium speed until light and fluffy.

3. Stir in cocoa, flour, and vanilla.

4. Divide dough in half. Roll each half of the dough to a 1/2 inch thick on lightly floured surface. Cut into circles and place 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet.

5. Bake 9 to 11 minutes. Remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. Cool completely.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

Sooner or later, everyone stops smoking.

he believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

A cigarette is the only consumer product which when used as directed kills its consumer.

I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn’t want to smoke, but I didn’t believe myself.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your cigarettes.

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven’t had time for tobacco since.

Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

To the average cigarette smoker the world is his ashtray.

Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs.

The best way to stop smoking is to carry wet matches.

I’m not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.

Some things are better eschewed than chewed; tobacco is one of them.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I’ve done it a thousand times.

My smoking might be bothering you, but it’s killing me.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

If we lose the battle against tobacco, we will lose the war against cancer.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Smoke your pipe and be silent; there’s only wind and smoke in the world.

Smokers don’t get to smoke. They have to smoke.

The only safer cigarette is your last one.

I told myself i would quit, then i remembered what my grandmother told me I am NO QUITTER!!!

i only smoke after meals, i’m done to 20 meals a day

Can’t we all just get along….And may be even pass a bong….

“When you smoke, you’re paying to kill yourself.”

“If you want to die from smoking..its quicker and easier just to get a gun.”

smoke a pound a day…..and fly high and say…weed is the only way.

“One cigarette can mean the difference between pacifism and mass homocide.”

Why Drink and Drive…??
When u can Smoke n Fly…

Dont hate Smoker…every cigarette might b their last…

Read a article now the other day that said smoking is bad for you …
This upset me so much that i decided never to read again.

Smoking helps in losing weight, one lung at a time.

“When you smoke the weed, it reveals you to yourself.” -Bob Marley… a true legend

whenever I think to quit smoking, I need a cigarette to think.

“I knew a man who quit smoking, drinking and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself!”

“I’ve never heard of anyone smoking a joint and going on a rampage. It makes you lie around on the floor and look at the ceiling. What’s wrong with that?”

Smoking is like getting burned inside but you can never feel it

I would quit smoking, but nobody likes a quitter

“The Higher I Get, The Closer To Heaven I’ll Be”

Smokers don’t grow old…they die young…

Smoking is an expensive way to kill yourself……

I know of a woman that was a smoker, she got brain cancer and she could barely speak well enough to say, Don’t ever smoke. How sad

My grandpa got alzheimer’s disease from smoking ( which ultimately lead to his death

I had a aunt that worked at a restaurant for several years, she was constantly breathing in cigarette smoke, then at the age of 37 she died from cancer. Leaving behind a husband and 4 young children. If you think smoking is a joke ask my cousins how they liked growing up without their mom, not as funny as you think.
I could tell you more stories but I won’t take your time.
I realize smoking is an addiction, please get the help you need before it’s to late.
May you win the battle for your life.

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1. The honey bee has been around for millions of years.

2. Honey bees, scientifically also known as Apis mellifera, are environmentally friendly and are vital as pollinators.

3. It is the only insect that produces food eaten by man.

4. Honey is the only food that includes all the substances necessary to sustain life, including enzymes, vitamins, minerals, and water; and it's the only food that contains "pinocembrin", an antioxidant associated with improved brain functioning.

5. Honey bees have 6 legs, 2 compound eyes made up of thousands of tiny lenses (one on each side of the head), 3 simple eyes on the top of the head, 2 pairs of wings, a nectar pouch, and a stomach.

6. Honey bees have 170 odorant receptors, compared with only 62 in fruit flies and 79 in mosquitoes. Their exceptional olfactory abilities include kin recognition signals, social communication within the hive, and odor recognition for finding food. Their sense of smell was so precise that it could differentiate hundreds of different floral varieties and tell whether a flower carried pollen or nectar from metres away.

7. The honey bee's wings stroke incredibly fast, about 200 beats per second, thus making their famous, distinctive buzz. A honey bee can fly for up to six miles, and as fast as 15 miles per hour.

8. The average worker bee produces about 1/12th teaspoon of honey in her lifetime.

9. A hive of bees will fly 90,000 miles, the equivalent of three orbits around the earth to collect 1 kg of honey.

10. It takes one ounce of honey to fuel a bee’s flight around the world.

11. A honey bee visits 50 to 100 flowers during a collection trip.

12. The bee's brain is oval in shape and only about the size of a sesame seed, yet it has remarkable capacity to learn and remember things and is able to make complex calculations on distance travelled and foraging efficiency.

13. A colony of bees consists of 20,000-60,000 honeybees and one queen. Worker honey bees are female, live for about 6 weeks and do all the work.

14. The queen bee can live up to 5 years and is the only bee that lays eggs. She is the busiest in the summer months, when the hive needs to be at its maximum strength, and lays up to 2500 eggs per day. Click here to learn more about the Honey Bee Life Cycle,

15. Larger than the worker bees, the male honey bees (also called drones), have no stinger and do no work at all. All they do is mating.

16. Each honey bee colony has a unique odour for members’ identification.

17. Only worker bees sting, and only if they feel threatened and they die once they sting. Queens have a stinger, but they don’t leave the hive to help defend it.

18. It is estimated that 1100 honey bee stings are required to be fatal.

19. Honey bees communicate with one another by "dancing".

20. During winter, honey bees feed on the honey they collected during the warmer months. They form a tight cluster in their hive to keep the queen and themselves warm.

"If the bee disappears from the surface of the earth, man would have no more than four years to live?" ~ Albert Einstein

      Leave the chaff, and take the wheat.
      - Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Humble-Bee

You are my honey, honeysuckle, I am the bee.
      - Albert H. Fitz,
        The Honeysuckle and the Bee,

Look on the bee upon the wing 'mong flowers;
  How brave, how bright his life! then mark, him hiv'd,
    Cramp'd, cringing in his self-built, social cell,
      Thus it is in the world-hive; most where men
        Lie deep in cities as in drifts.
      - Philip James Bailey

The pedigree of honey
  Does not concern the bee;
    A clover, any time, to him
      Is aristocracy.
      - Emily Dickinson, Poems (V)

His labor is a chant,
  His idleness a tune;
    Oh, for a bee's experience
      Of clovers and of noon!
      - Emily Dickinson, Poems--The Bee (XV)

Burly, dozing humblebee,
  Where thou art is clime for me.
    Let them sail for Porto Rique,
      Far-off heats through seas to seek.
        I will follow thee alone,
          Thou animated torrid-zone!
      - Ralph Waldo Emerson, The Humble-Bee

Seeing only what is fair,
  Sipping only what is sweet,
    . . . .
        a song from 1901

The careful insect 'midst his works I view,
  Now from the flowers exhaust the fragrant dew,
    With golden treasures load his little thighs,
      And steer his distant journey through the skies.
      - John Gay, Rural Sports (canto I, l. 82)

It takes a bee to get the honey out.
      - Arthur Guiterman

Bees work for man, and yet they never bruise
  Their Master's flower, but leave it having done,
    As fair as ever and as fit to use;
      So both the flower doth stay and honey run.
      - George Herbert, The Church--Providence

For pitty, Sir, find out that Bee
  Which bore my Love away
    I'le seek him in your Bonnet brave,
      I'le seek him in your eyes.
      - Robert Herrick, Mad Nan's Song

"O bees sweet bees!" I said; "that nearest field
  Is shining white with fragrant immortelles,
    Fly swiftly there and drain those honey wells."
      - Helen Hunt (Helen Hunt Jackson)

"O bees, sweet bees!" I said; "that nearest field
  Is shining white with fragrant immortelles
    Fly swiftly there and drain those honey wells."
      - Helen Hunt Jackson (Helen Hunt), My Bees

Even bees, the little almsmen of spring bowers, know there is richest juice in poison-flowers.
      - John Keats (1)

Listen! O, listen!
  Here come the hum the golden bees
    Underneath full blossomed trees,
      At once with glowing fruit and flowers crowned.
      - James Russell Lowell, The Sirens (l. 94)

As busie as a Bee.
      - John Lyly (Lylie or Lyllie),
        Euphues and his England (p. 252)

The honey-bee that wanders all day long
  The field, the woodland, and the garden o'er,
    To gather in his fragrant winter store,
      Humming in calm content his winter song,
        Seeks not alone the rose's glowing breast,
          The lily's dainty cup, the violet's lips,
            But from all rank and noxious weeds he sips
              The single drop of sweetness closely pressed
                Within the poison chalice.
      - Anne Charlotte Lynch (Anne C.L. Botta),

So work the honey-bees;
  Creatures, by a rule in nature teach
    The art of order to a peopled kingdom.
      They have a king and officers of sorts;
        Where some, like magistrates, correct at home;
          Others, like merchants, venture trade abroad;
            Others, like soldiers, armed in their stings,
              Make boot upon the summer's velvet buds;
                Which pillage they, with merry march, bring home,
                  To the tent royal of their emperor;
                    Who, busied in his majesty, surveys
                      The singing masons building roofs of gold;
                        The civil citizens kneading up the honey;
                          The poor mechanic porters crowding in
                            Their heavy burdens at his narrow gate;
                              The sad-ey'd justice, with his surly hum,
                                Delivering o'er to executors pale
                                  The lazy yawning drone.
      - William Shakespeare

Randy Travis
Smoking The Hive

I was ten years old on my grandpa's farm when it happened
After all these years i can still hear grandpa laughin'
As he applied that barnyard remedy
He passed his wisdom down to me
You don't reach for the honey without smokin' the hive

I remember my first crush was on the preacher's daughter
We were smoochin' on the front porch swing that night when he caught her
We weren't expectin' him home until quarter past ten
When the good Lord taught me that lesson again
You don't reach for the honey without smokin' the hive

You don't point your pistol before you check each chamber
And you don't drink no you don't drink when you drive
It's just ordinary common sense to avoid that danger
You don't reach for the honey without smokin' the hive

She rolled into town with rodeo,she was a beauty
And that cowboy saw you wink at her,she was a cutie
The sound of jinglin' spurs caught me dead on a run
He was fit to be tied and you were under the gun
You don't reach for the honey without smokin' the hive

Chorus.
No,you don't reach for the honey without smokin' the hive
You're gonna get stung boy

or am i...

The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.

I've been walked on, used and forgotten and I don't regret one moment of it because in those moments, I've learned a lot. I've learned who I can trust and can't. I've learned the meaning of friendship. I've learned how to tell when people are lying and when they're sincere. I've learned how to be a teenager, and how to grow up when I need to. I've been to hell and back a few times, and I won't ever take what I have for granted. This is life, live it one day at a time. You never know how many days you've got left.

Remember that things happen for a reason and if it was meant to be..It would'nt have ended...we should not cry cuz it's gone... we should be happy that it happened. Many people touch our lives in different ways..some come for a while, others stay for a season and show us their magnificent essence for a purpose and then leave...and then theres the people that stay forever, which ultimately are the ones that count...so smile and cheer up.

And we put a fake smile to hide the pain, yet we wish someone would look closely enough and see how broken we really are inside.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe things happen for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Just keep smiling and pretending you're happy, and then maybe after you've convinced everyone else that you are, you can convince yourself.

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you cant remember a time in you life when it wasnt. But then one day you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because its so unfamiliar, and in that moment you realize youre happy.

If someone comes into your life and becomes a part of you, but for some reason he couldn't stay, don't cry too much...just be glad that your paths crossed and somehow he made you happy even for a while.

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything

The Great Wall of China was built to keep Herman Cain out. It doesn’t work.

Herman Cain invented tea and parties.

Herman Cain had cancer once, but he told it to go away and get a real job, and it did.

A 15 min call to Herman Cain will save you 15% on your federal deficit.

Herman Cain stopped for gas in South Carolina and inadvertently won a Primary debate.

One day a liberal heckler called Herman Cain’s radio show. His phone melted.

Herman Cain is the reason that clouds have silver linings.

Herman Cain knows who let the dogs out, and has punished him appropriately.

Herman Cain did not grow up in the south. Herman Cain has always been grown up.

When Godfather Pizza was going broke, Herman Cain told the pizza to start tasting better, and it did.

Herman Cain doesn’t just complain about the weather. He does something about it.

When Herman Cain was a boy, he cut down his father’s cherry tree. Then he put it back together, and it bore many cherries.

Herman’s parents did not name him. When he was born, he turned to the doctor, shook his hand, and said “I’m Herman Cain, pleasure to meet you”

Herman Cain once killed three birds with one stone. They deserved it.

Herman Cain doesn’t want to cut taxes. He wants to puree them into pizza sauce with parmesan and basil to make it taste good.

Herman Cain is suing the producers of the movie “Gone in Sixty Seconds” for stealing the name of his deficit reduction plan.

When someone is between a rock and a hard place its usually because Herman Cain has them surrounded.

One day Superman asked Herman Cain for an autograph, but Herman Cain was too busy saving the world.

Herman Cain put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Then he told him to get a job.

One time someone brought a teleprompter to a speech for Herman Cain to use. He used it. As a pizza tray.

Herman Cain is not politically correct. He is just correct. Always.

riots

2011 - Riots in Greater Noida, Uttar Pradesh, India, 4 killed.
2011 - Riots in Metlaoui, Tunisia, 3 dead and 90 wounded.
2011 - Riots in Mogadishu, Somalia, 2 killed.
2011 - Riots in El Rodeo I prison, Caracas, Venezuela, 19 killed.
2011 - Stanley Cup Riot in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada after the Vancouver Canucks lost to the Boston Bruins[

riots

2011 - Riots in Taloqan, Takhar province, Afghanistan, at least 12 killed and 80 injured.
2011 - Riots in Tbilisi, Georgia, 2 killed, 20 injured.
2011 - Riots in Choucha refugee camp, Tunisia, at least 2 killed.
2011 - Riots in Sri Lanka, 1 killed, at least 200 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, between Muslims and Christians, 12 dead.
2011 - Riots in Hesarak District, Nangarhar province, Afghanistan, 1 killed, 3 wounded.
2011 - Riots on Israel's borders, at least 12 killed and dozens injured.
2011 - Riots in West Bengal, India, at least 8 people killed in post-election violence.

2011 - Riots in Diyarbakir, Turkey, 1 killed.
2011 - Riots in Tyre, Lebanon, 2 killed.
2011 - Riots in Mansa, Luapula Province, Zambia, 3 people were burned to death.
2011 - Riots in Nigeria, at least 500 killed in post-election rioting.
2011 - Riots in Kampala, Uganda, at least 5 dead and 100 injured

2011 - Prison riot in Rumieh prison, Lebanon, 2 dead.
2011 - Riot in Parwan province, Afghanistan, 1 killed.
2011 - Riots in Uganda, at least 3 killed.
2011 - Riots in Yemen, more than 100 people have died in two months of protests.[
2011 - Riots in Jaitapur, Maharashtra, India, 1 killed, more than 50 injured

2011 - Riots in Jessore, Bangladesh, 1 dead and at least 30 others injured.
2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, 2 killed and at least 15 wounded.
2011 - Prison riot in Rumieh prison, Lebanon, 2 dead.
2011 - Riot in Parwan province, Afghanistan, 1 killed.
2011 - Riots in Uganda, at least 3 killed.

2011 - Riots in Sanaa, Yemen, 42 people had died and at least 300 were injured according to doctors.
2011 - Prison Riot in Hyderabad, Pakistan, 7 dead.
2011 - Riots in Nigeria, at least 70 people have been killed.
2011 - Riots in Mazar-e Sharif and Kandahar, Afghanistan, at least 13 people have been killed.
2011 - Riots in Jessore, Bangladesh, 1 dead and at least 30 others injured

2011 - Riots in Tunis, Tunisia, 3 killed.
2011 - Miners riot in Peru, at least 2 killed.
2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, between Muslims and Christians, at least 13 people died and 140 were injured.
2011 - Riot in Kissidougou, Guinea, at least 3 dead.
2011 - Prison riot in Tikrit, Iraq, 2 dead, 14 wounded.
2011 - Riots in Syria, at least 60 killed.

2011 - Riots in Manama, Bahrain, at least 10 killed, 92 civilians, 50 security forces injured.
2011 - Riots in Sulaimaniya, Iraqi Kurdistan, two killed.
2011 - Riots in Al Hoceima, Morroco, 5 killed.[151]
2011 - Riots in Libya, at least 24 people killed.
2011 - Riots in Iraq, at least 13 killed.
2011 - Riots in Yemen, 24 killed

2011 - Riots in Lebanon, following the fall of Saad Hariri's government.
2011 - Riots in Egypt, at least 846 killed.
2011 - Riots in Tafawa Balewa, Nigeria, 4 killed.
2011 - Prison riot in Sao Luis, Brazil, 6 dead.
2011 - Religious riot in Banten, Indonesia, at least 6 killed

2011 - Riots in Assam, Meghalaya, Northeast India, 4 dead.
2011 - Riots in Arusha, Tanzania, 2 dead and nine people injured.
2011 - Riots in Algeria, 2 dead and four hundred people injured in riots linked to food price increases and unemployment.
2011 - Riots in Tunisia, at least 219 killed.
2011 - Riots in Jos, Nigeria, more than 30 people dead.

2010 - Riots in Bangladesh, at least 3 killed and dozens more have been injured.
2010 - Ethnic riots in Moscow, Russia, 29 injured.
2010 - Riots in Ivory Coast, at least 20 people have been killed.
2010 - Riots in the Constitución neighborhood, Buenos Aires, Argentina.
2010 - Riots in Tunisia, 1 dead and several people injured.

2010 - Riots in Haiti, 2 dead.
2010 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, 2 dead.
2010 - Riots in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, at least 25 people have been killed.
2010 - Riots in Ivory Coast, at least 3 killed.
2010 - More student riots in London. Twelve police officers were injured with six requiring hospital treatment. 43 protesters injured, and 26 arrests made. several buildings were attacked, including the Treasury, the Supreme Court and Topshop. The Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornwall car came under attack, smashing the window of the car and covered in paint.
2010 - Riots in Buenos Aires, Argentina, at least 3 killed

2010 - Riots in Karachi, Pakistan, at least 33 killed.
2010 - Prison riot in Haiti, 3 killed.
2010 - Riots in Cross River State, Nigeria, at least 30 killed.
2010 - Riots in Western Sahara, 11 dead.
2010 - Riot in Maranhão, Brazil, 18 dead.
2010 - Student riots in London, 14 injured, 35 arrested, Conservative head office damaged by protestors.[118] Goldsmiths College's UCU (lecturers union) issue statement in support of all demonstrators: "The real violence in this situation relates not to a smashed window but to the destructive impact of the cuts.

2010 - Riots in Afghanistan, 2 killed.
2010 - Riots in Karachi, Pakistan, 17 dead.
2010 - Riots in Ecuador, 3 killed, 50 injured.
2010 - Riots in East Kalimantan, Indonesia, 5 dead.
2010 - Prison Riots in Venezuela, 16 killed.
2010 - Belgrade anti-gay riot, 78 police officers and 17 civilians injured.

2010 - Riots in Yemen, 2 dead.
2010 - Riots in Panama, 1 dead, dozens injured.
2010 - Riots in Northern Ireland. Police estimate that million in damages have been caused, and over 80 police officers injured by nationalist rioters.
2010 - Riots in Nigeria, at least 4 killed
2010 - Prison riot in Quebec, Canada, 2 killed.
2010 - Riots in Indian Kashmir, 50 people have now been killed in seven weeks of clashes with Indian forces.
2010 - Riots in Karachi, Pakistan, 90 dead.

2010 - Prison riot in Mexico, 28 dead.
2010 - Drake Seaport riot at least 7 injured
2010 - Riots in Bariloche, Argentina, 2 dead, 12 injured.
2010 - G20 Riots in Toronto Canada - Zero dead, significant damage, 1105 arrests
2010 - Prison riot in Venezuela, 6 dead.
2010 - Riots in Indian Kashmir, at least 10 dead

2010 - Riots in Greece, 3 killed.
2010 - Prison riot in Venezuela, 8 dead.
2010 - Riots in northeast India, 3 dead, 70 injured.
2010 - Riots in Kyrgyzstan between Kyrgyz and Uzbeks, 2 dead.
2010 - Riots in Jamaica, 73 dead.
2010 - Riots in Kyrgyzstan, at least 2000 dead.

2010 - Riots in Thailand, 91 dead.[70][71][72][73]
2010 - April 10 - Springfest Riot, Harrisonburg, Virginia, dozens injured; 30-35 arrested.[74]
2010 - Riots in Indonesia, 3 dead.[75]
2010 - Riots in Kyrgyzstan, 5 dead[76]
2010 - Riots in Santa Cruz, California.

2010 - Riots in Corsica between police force and supporters of the FLNC, 3 injured.
2010 - Prison riot in Venezuela, 8 dead.
2010 - Immigrants riots in Rosarno, Italy, 37 injured.
2010 - Riots in Nigeria between Muslim and Christian gangs, 992 dead.
2010 - Vancouver Winter Olympics Riot. Over Vancouver's homelessness crisis.
2010 - Riots in Kyrgyzstan, 85 dead.[

2009 - Riots in Pakistan's central Punjab, 8 dead.[58]
2009 – Riots in Birmingham, United Kingdom when far-right activists clash with anti-racism protesters and local members of the Muslim and Afro-Caribbean community on August 8, 2009.[59][60]
2009 – Arab protesters clashed with Israeli security forces during riots near Temple Mount in Jerusalem, Israel.[61]
2009 - Football violence before, at and after a Carling Cup match between West Ham United and Millwall in London at Upton Park. There where also 3 pitch invasions.
2009 - Football riot in Široki Brijeg, Bosnia and Herzegovina, 1 dead.
2009 - Bastille Day Riots in the commune of Montreuil, France; July 9th

2009 - Luton, United Kingdom, riot against Muslim extremists who disrupted a homecoming parade of British soldiers, May 24
2009 - Riot in Downtown Los Angeles after Lakers win the Championship, June 14
2009 - 2009 Iranian election protests
2009 - Protests against military coup in Tegucigalpa, Honduras, June 28 --?
2009 - July 2009 Ürümqi riots in Ürümqi, China, July 5 --?
2009 - Riots in Jerusalem after the welfare officials rescued toddler who was being starved by his abusive Ultra Orthodox mother who is a member of the small Toldos Aharon community, which does not recognized the state of Israel, municipal services were suspended to all neighborhoods where riots developed.

2009 - Riot on Jan. 13 in Riga, Latvia, after a peaceful demonstration of people, demanding parliament (Saeima) dissolution.
2009 – Icelandic riots caused by the global economic crisis, Jan. 22, Reykjavik, Iceland (From: Mail Online, London 1/23/09)[not specific enough to verify]
2009 - Riots in Northern Ireland, United Kingdom after three alleged Provisional Irish Republican Army dissidents were arrested on suspicion of killing two British soldiers and a police officer, in an attack designed to trigger wider violence in Northern Ireland.[citation needed]
2009 - Riots in Northern Ireland, United Kingdom Before and after a football game at Windsor park in Belfast, United Kingdom against Poland. The game also got stopped for 5mins due to a linesman being hit by an object thrown from the Northern Ireland Supporters.[citation needed]
2009 - Anti-government Riots in Bangkok, Thailand. Protesters are demanding the resignation of Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva. hundreds of protesters injured. Thai Army were deployed on the streets of Bangkok and the State of Emergency was declared.
2009 - Riots in Jharkhand, India ahead of government elections. 6 soldiers dead.
2009 - Football violence at soccer/football game between West Ham United F.C. fans and Stoke City F.C. fans, both inside the stadium and outside. United Kingdom[

2008 - Fishermen riots in Brussels
2008 - Kamagasaki G8 Riots Osaka, June 2008 Repression and Revolt, General Union
2008 - 2008 Guizhou riot in Guizhou, China
2008 - Kanmen riot in the coastal province of Zhejiang. According to the Ministry of Public Security, there were 87,000 riots and protests reported in 2005 and this number increases every year.
2008 - 2008 riot in Mongolia, following the legislative election
2008 - August 2008 Montreal North Riot (Montreal, Canada)
2008 - Yom Kippur Arab-Jewish riots in Akko, Israel
2008 - Riots throughout Greece after police shot dead a teenager.
2008 - Riots in Sweden, Riots hits the immigrant suburb Rosengard in the Swedish city Malmö 17 dec - 20 dec.
2009 - Riots in Oslo, Copenhagen, London, Belfast, Toronto, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and other cities following the 2008–2009 Israel–Gaza conflict.
2009 - Rosemeadow brawl with over 100 in Rosemeadow NSW Australia

2008 - Political crisis in Lebanon - Riots and engagements between islamists and progressives.
2008 - Tibetian unrest, Mar. 10 - June. (Tibet, China)
2007-2008 - Food riots in India, Peru, Morocco, Egypt, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Namibia, Uzbekistan, Indonesia, Yemen, Guinea, Cameroon, Burkina Faso, Mauritania and Senegal.[45][46][47][48][49][50]
2008 - Haitian Price riots, Apr. 3, 4 killed/20 wounded., Les Cayes Haiti
2008 - Egypt Price and Wage riots, Apr. 6-7, 1 killed, 20 injured, 25 arrested, Mahalla el-Kubra, Egypt
2008 - UEFA Cup Final riots in Manchester, United Kingdom
2008 - South Africa riots - Attacks on foreign nationals
2008 - Fishermen riots in Paris - French fishermen clashed with police as they protested over rising fuel costs

2007 - Roma riots [44][unreliable source?] (Sofia, Bulgaria)
2007 - Venezuelan anti-government protests[citation needed]
2007 - Georgian anti-government protests, September - December
2007 - Burmese anti-government protests
2007 civil unrest in Villiers-le-Bel, France, Nov 25-30[citation needed]
2007 - Food riots in West Bengal
2007-2008 - Kenyan Presidential Election Riots
2008 - Striking dock workers clash with riot police at state-controlled Piraeus (OLP) and Thessaloniki (OLTH) ports
[33], Greece, Jan 11+15
2008 - Protests in Serbia - Riots in Belgrade on embassy's of countries recognizing the independence of Kosovo by Serbian nationalists.

2007 - Anti-immigrant riots,(Madrid, Spain)
2007 - Guinea-Bissau riot
2007 - Student riot, March 9, 2007,[39][unreliable source?] (Athens, Greece)
2007 - Eviction of Ungdomshuset, March 1–2, (Copenhagen, Denmark)
2007 - Chinese immigrants clash with riot police,[40] (Milan, Italy)
2007 - Riot starts when a company takes over the bus routes and doubles the fares,[41] (Zhushan, China)
2007 - Karachi Riots, (Karachi, Pakistan)
2007 - Cigarbox Riot, May 14, (Freetown Christiania, Copenhagen, Denmark)[citation needed]
2007 - Muslim-Tibetan riot, (Qinghai, China)
2007 - Muslim-Han riot (Shandong, China)

2006 - Riot over government response to a whistleblower, (Shandong, China)
2006 - Riot follows after a traffic accident incites violence,(Chizhou, China)
2006 - Riot over a land dispute, (Sanzhou, China)
2006 - 2006 protests in Hungary
2006 - Reclaim The Streets Riot Sep 24, Copenhagen, Denmark
2006 - Copenhagen December Riot (Nørrebro, Copenhagen, Denmark)

2006 - 2006 labor protests in France, March–April, Paris, France[citation needed]
2006 - Riot during the European Social Forum, May 6, Athens, Greece
2006 - Burj Khalifa riot, (Dubai, UAE)
2006 - Hindu/Muslim Aligarh Riots, April 2006, (Aligarh, India)
2006 - Rajkumar death riots, April, (India)[citation needed]
2006 - April 2006 Venezuela prison riot, April, (Venezuela)
2006 - 2006 civil unrest in San Salvador Atenco, (San Salvador Atenco, Mexico)
2006 - Shengda Economics, Trade and Management College diploma riot
2006 - Riot after a hospital doesn't treat a patient (Sichuan, China)

2005 - 2005 Toledo Riot, October 2005, (Toledo, Ohio, United States)
2005 - Anti-Muslim Riots of Mau,October 2005, (Mau, UttarPradesh),India
2005 - Mar del Plata Summit of the Americas, November 2005, (Mar del Plata, Argentina)[citation needed]
2005 - 2005 Cronulla riots, December 2005, (Sydney, Australia)
2005 - 2005 Birmingham race riots in Lozells, Birmingham, United Kingdom.
2006 - Stanley Cup Western Conference Finals (Edmonton Oilers victory), May 2006, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
2006 - Cartoon riots[citation needed]
2006 - 2006 Nuku'alofa riots, Nov. 16, (Nuku'alofa, Tonga)
2006 - 2006 Dublin riots, Feb. 25, Dublin, Ireland
2006 - San Bernardino punk riot, March 4, San Bernardino, California

2005 - Macquarie Fields riots, February 2005, southwestern suburb of Sydney, Australia
2005 - Cedar Revolution, February 2005, Lebanon[citation needed]
2005 - Anti-Japanese riots, April 2005, Beijing, Shenzhen and Guangzhou, China[citation needed]
2005 - Riots in response to land taken for a power plant, (Shenyou, China)
2005 - Riots over excessive pollution, (Zhejiang, China)
2005 - Perpignan ethnic violence, May 2005,[29] France)
2005 - Maldives civil unrest, August 2005, (Malé, Maldives)[citation needed]
2005 - Chinese worker riot, July 2005, (Xizhou, China). In 2005, the government admitted to 87,000 riots and demonstrations across China.
2005 - Street clashes in central Athens,[31] September 2007, (Athens, Greece),
2005 - 2005 civil unrest in France, October 2005

2004 - Redfern riots, (Sydney, Australia)
2004 - Han-Hui riot, (Henan province, China).
2004 - Boston, Lincolnshire. Fans rioted after England was knocked out of the European football championships.
2004 - VEISHEA riot, drunk Iowa State students riot, cancel 2005 VEISHEA (Ames, Iowa)
2004 - Urso Branco prison riot, (Rondônia, Brazil)
2004 - Chinese riot in response to a beating,[24] (Guangdong, China)
2004 - Citizens in Benghu riot in response to inflating prices and poor healthcare, [25], (Anhui, China)
2004 - Farmers riot when their land is taken and given to real-estate companies, [26], (Zhengzhou, China)
2004 - Chinese soccer fans riot when a Japanese team wins the final, [27] (Beijing, China)
2004 - Rioters attack police station December 30, 2004 (Athens, Greece)
2005 - Dongzhou protest

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Adamantisaurus This titanosaur was named 50 years after its discovery.

Adasaurus This raptor's hind claws were unusually small.

Adeopapposaurus A close relative of Massospondylus.

Aegyptosaurus Guess what country this dinosaur was found in?

Aeolosaurus Could this titanosaur have reared up on its hind legs?

Aerosteon This air-boned dinosaur may have breathed like a bird.

Afrovenator One of the few carnivores ever to be dug up in northern Africa.

Agilisaurus This "agile lizard" was one of the earliest ornithopods.

Agustinia A large, spiny-backed sauropod.

Alamosaurus No, it wasn't named after the Alamo, but it should have been.

Alaskacephale Guess what state this pachycephalosaur was found in?

Albertonykus A tiny, birdlike, North American dinosaur.

Allosaurus One of the most common predators of the Jurassic era.

Altirhinus This "high-nosed" plant eater resembled an early hadrosaur.

Alvarezsaurus A bird-like dinosaur of the late Cretaceous.

Alxasaurus An early relative of the bizarre Therizinosaurus.

Amargasaurus A bizarre, spined sauropod from South America.

Amazonsaurus One of the few dinosaurs to be found in the Amazon basin

Ammosaurus This may (or may not) have been the same dinosaur as Anchisaurus.

Ampelosaurus One of the best-known of the armored titanosaurs.

Amphicoelias Could it have been the biggest dinosaur that ever lived?

Amurosaurus The most complete hadrosaur to be discovered in Russia.

Anabisetia The best-attested South American ornithopod.

Anatosaurus This dinosaur is now known as either Anatotitan or Edmontosaurus.

Anatotitan This hadrosaur's name means "giant duck."

Anchiornis A four-winged dino-bird that resembled Microraptor.

Anchisaurus One of the first dinosaurs ever to be dug up in the U.S.

Andesaurus This titanosaur rivaled Argentinosaurus in size.

Angaturama A Brazilian relative of Spinosaurus.

Angolatitan The first dinosaur ever to be discovered in Angola.

Angulomastacator This dinosaur had a strangely shaped upper jaw.

Animantarx This "living fortress" was discovered in an unusual way.

Ankylosaurus The Cretaceous equivalent of a Sherman tank.

Anserimimus This "goose mimic" didn’t bear much of a resemblance.

Antarctopelta The first dinosaur fossil ever discovered in Antarctica.

Antarctosaurus This titanosaur may or may not have lived in Antarctica.

Antetonitrus Either a very late prosauropod, or a very early sauropod.

Apatosaurus The dinosaur formerly known as Brontosaurus.

Appalachiosaurus One of the few dinosaurs ever to be found in Alabama.

Aragosaurus Named after the Aragon region of Spain.

Aralosaurus Not much is known about this central Asian duckbill.

Archaeoceratops Possibly the smallest ceratopsian that ever lived.

Archaeopteryx This ancient, flying reptile was about the size of a modern pigeon.

Archaeornithomimus A likely ancestor of Ornithomimus.

Argentinosaurus Possibly the largest dinosaur that ever lived.

Argyrosaurus A plus-sized titanosaur from South America.

Aristosuchus This "noble crocodile" was actually a dinosaur.

Arrhinoceratops This ceratopsian was named for its "missing" nose horn.

Astrodon The official state dinosaur of Maryland.

Atlasaurus This sauropod had unusually long legs.

Atlascopcosaurus Named after a manufacturer of digging equipment.

Atrociraptor This "cruel thief" wasn't as atrocious as its name implies.

Aublysodon This tyrannosaur was named after a single tooth.

Aucasaurus This predator was a close relative of Carnotaurus.

Auroraceratops A close relative of Archaeoceratops.

Australodocus This sauropod was found in modern-day Tanzania.

Australovenator A brand-new carnivore from Australia.

Austroraptor The largest raptor from South America.

Austrosaurus This titanosaur was discovered near a train station.

Avaceratops This ceratopsian is represented by a single juvenile.

Aviatyrannis This "grandmother tyrant" was one of the first tyrannosaurs.

Avimimus A particularly bird-like cousin of Oviraptor.

Bactrosaurus One of the earliest of the duck-billed dinosaurs.

Bagaceratops A small ceratopsian from central Asia.

Bagaraatan No one is quite sure how to classify this theropod.

Bahariasaurus This obscure carnivore may have been the size of T. Rex.

Balaur This "stocky dragon" was recently discovered in Romania.

Bambiraptor Yes, this tiny raptor was named after you-know-who.

Barapasaurus Probably the first of the giant sauropods.

Barosaurus An enormous plant-eater with a tiny head.

Baryonyx You wouldn't want to clip this dinosaur's claws.

Becklespinax A strangely named theropod of the early Cretaceous period.

Beipiaosaurus The only known feathered therizinosaur.

Beishanlong This bird mimic weighed over half a ton.

Bellusaurus A herd of this sauropod drowned in a flash flood.

Bistahieversor This tyrannosaur had more teeth than T. Rex.

Bonitasaura This titanosaur wasn't as beautiful as its name implies.

Borogovia This theropod was named after a Lewis Carroll poem.

Bothriospondylus A case study in dinosaur confusion.

Brachiosaurus A giant, gentle, long-necked plant-eater.

Brachyceratops A little-known ceratopsian from North America.

Brachylophosaurus This duck-billed dinosaur's beak looked more like a parrot's.

Brachytrachelopan This sauropod had an unusually short neck.

Brontomerus Its name is Greek for "thunder thighs."

Bruhathkayosaurus Was this titanosaur bigger than Argentinosaurus?

Buitreraptor The oldest raptor ever discovered in South America.

Byronosaurus This theropod was a close relative of Troodon.

Camarasaurus The most common sauropod of Jurassic North America.

Camelotia An early member of the line that evolved into sauropods.

Camptosaurus A close relative of Iguanodon.

Carcharodontosaurus Its name means "great white shark lizard." Impressed yet?

Carnotaurus The shortest arms of any meat-eater--and horns to match.

Caudipteryx A birdlike dinosaur that changed the views of paleontologists.

Centrosaurus Like a unicorn, this ceratopsian only had one horn.

Cerasinops A small ceratopsian of the late Cretaceous.

Ceratonykus This dino-bird was discovered in Mongolia in 2009.

Ceratosaurus This primitive carnivore is hard to classify.

Cetiosauriscus Not to be confused with the more famous Cetiosaurus.

Cetiosaurus Guess which creature this "whale lizard" was once mistaken for?

Chaoyangsaurus An early ceratopsian of the late Jurassic period.

Charonosaurus This duck-billed dinosaur was much bigger than an elephant.

Chasmosaurus The only dinosaur that came with its own awning.

Chialingosaurus One of the earliest Asian stegosaurs.

Chilantaisaurus This large theropod may have been ancestral to Spinosaurus.

Chindesaurus This early dinosaur was a close relative of Herrerasaurus.

Chirostenotes This birdlike dinosaur has been known by three different names.

Chubutisaurus This titanosaur was on Tyrannotitan's lunch menu.

Chungkingosaurus This early stegosaur had some primitive characteristics.

Citipati This Mongolian theropod was a close relative of Oviraptor.

Claosaurus This "broken lizard" was a primitive hadrosaur.

Coahuilaceratops It had the longest horns of any known ceratopsian dinosaur.

Coelophysis One of the most ancient dinosaurs ever to roam the earth.

Coelurus This tiny dinosaur was a close relative of Compsognathus.

Colepiocephale This thick-skulled dinosaur's name is Greek for "knucklehead."

Compsognathus The size of a chicken, but much meaner.

Concavenator This large theropod had a bizarre hump on its back.

Conchoraptor This "conch thief" may have lunched on mollusks.

Condorraptor A small theropod of middle Jurassic South America.

Corythosaurus This "Corinthian-helmeted" dino had a distinctive mating call.

Crichtonsaurus This dinosaur was named after the author of Jurassic Park.

Cryolophosaurus This crested carnivore was once known as "Elvisaurus."

Cryptovolans Was this the same dinosaur as Microraptor?

Diamantinasaurus This titanosaur was recently discovered in Australia.

Diceratops Was this two-horned dinosaur really a specimen of Triceratops?

Dicraeosaurus A medium-sized, spiny-necked sauropod.

Dilong This "emperor dragon" may have been an ancestor of T. Rex.

Dilophosaurus This dino was distinguished by the bony crests on its noggin.

Dimetrodon This ancient synapsid had a huge sail on its back.

Diplodocus "Thin at one end, much thicker in the middle, and thin again at the far end."

Dollodon Named after the Belgian paleontologist Louis Dollo.

Dracopelta This early ankylosaur was discovered in Portugal.

Dracorex The only dinosaur to be named after the Harry Potter books.

Dravidosaurus This "dinosaur" may actually have been a marine reptile.

Dryptosaurus The first tyrannosaur to be discovered in the U.S.

Dubreuillosaurus This megalosaur had a long, low snout.

Dyslocosaurus Its name means "hard-to-place lizard."

Dystrophaeus This Diplodocus-like sauropod was named by Edward Cope.

Echinodon One of the few ornithopods to sport a set of canines.

Edmarka This may have been a species of Torvosaurus.

Edmontonia This armored dinosaur never actually lived in Edmonton.

Edmontosaurus This large, duck-billed herbivore was a contemporary of T. Rex.

Efraasia This Triassic herbivore may have been ancestral to sauropods.

Einiosaurus This ceratopsian was a close relative of Centrosaurus.

Ekrixinatosaurus Its name means "explosion-born lizard."

Elaphrosaurus A lightweight theropod from the late Jurassic.

Elrhazosaurus Once classified as a species of Valdosaurus.

Enigmosaurus This "puzzle lizard" was closely related to Therizinosaurus.

Eocarcharia This "dawn shark" prowled the woodlands of northern Africa.

Eocursor This late Triassic reptile was one of the earliest true dinosaurs.

Eodromaeus Yet another ancient theropod from South America.

Eolambia An early hadrosaur from North America.

Eoraptor This tiny dinosaur was among the first of its kind.

Eotyrannus This early tyrannosaur looked more like a raptor.

Epachthosaurus This "heavy lizard" was relatively primitive for its time and place.

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Ra is the god of the sun and king of the gods until horus took over his throne.
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Anubis is the god of funerals and death.
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Bast is the cat goddess.
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Sehkmet is the goddess of lions and fire.

Nut is the goddess of sky and stars.
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Babi is the god of Baboons.
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heket is the goddess of frogs.
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Geb is the god of the earth.
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Khepri is the god of scarab beetles.
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Khonsu is the god of the moon.

Horus is the god of war and sun of Osiris.
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Osiris is the god of the underworld and the afterlife. Husband of Isis.
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Shu is the god of wind and air.
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Tawaret is the hippo goddess.
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Nephthyrs is the river goddess.
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Isis is the goddess of magic and healing.

Apophis is the god of deserts and chaos.
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Nekhbet is the Vulture goddess.
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Khmun is the ram-headed god.
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Thoth is the scribe god and the god of wisdom.
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Wadjet is a goddess of protection.
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Anuket is the goddess of river Nile.
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Hathor is the goddess of the love and children.
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Ptah is the god of creation.
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Bes is the dwarf god of children.
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Sobek is the god of crocodiles and alligators.

Serqet is the goddess of scorpions.
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Aten is the monotheistic sun god.
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Number of places nationwide with "liberty" in their name. The most populous one is Liberty, Missouri (29,149). Iowa has more of these places than any other state: four (Libertyville, New Liberty, North Liberty and West Liberty).
Eleven places have "independence" in their name. The most populous of these is Independence, Missouri, with 116,830 residents.

Five places adopted the name "freedom." New Freedom, Pennsylvania with 4,464 residents, has the largest population among these.

There is one place named "patriot" — Patriot, Indiana, with a population of 209.

And what could be more fitting than spending the day in a place called "America"? There are five such places in the country, with the most populous being American Fork, Utah, with 26,263 residents.

Tomato Tartlets

These luscious little tarts are filled with fresh ricotta. The trick to making the cheese silky is to puree it before spreading it on the flaky pastry and topping it with oven-roasted tomatoes.

Kana Okada
Prep Time: 15 mins
Total Time: 45 mins
Servings: Makes 5 dozen pieces

Ingredients
All-purpose flour, for rolling 1/2 pound all-butter puff pastry 30 cherry tomatoes, halved crosswise (about 1 pound) 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil 2 teaspoons fresh thyme leaves, plus more for garnish Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper 1/2 pound fresh ricotta
Directions
1 Preheat the oven to 425 degrees and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper. Position racks in the middle and upper thirds of the oven. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the puff pastry to a 9 1/2-by-17 1/2-inch rectangle. Using a straight edge, trim the pastry to a 9-by-17-inch rectangle. Transfer the pastry to the baking sheet and poke all over with a fork. Top with another sheet of parchment and another baking sheet and bake for 25 minutes on the middle rack, until golden. Remove the top sheet and parchment paper and bake the pastry until lightly browned and dry, about 10 minutes longer. Slide the paper and pastry onto a rack and let cool.
2 Meanwhile, in a large bowl, toss the tomatoes with the olive oil and 2 teaspoons of thyme and season with salt and pepper. Place the tomatoes on a baking sheet, cut side up, and bake on the upper rack for about 15 minutes, until softened slightly. Let cool.
3 In a food processor, puree the ricotta until very creamy. Spread the ricotta over the pastry and season with salt and pepper. Arrange the tomatoes cut side up on the ricotta in 5 rows of 12. Sprinkle lightly with fresh thyme. Using a long knife, cut the pastry between the tomatoes into 60 squares. Transfer the tartlets to platters and serve at once.
MAKE AHEAD

The recipe can be prepared through Step 2 and kept at room temperature for up to 8 hours.

Yankee Doodle (serves one)
One part blue raspberry-flavored vodka
Two parts sour mix
One part tonic
This cocktail will be dandy served in a glass over ice. For a non-alcoholic version, Curbly.com suggested substituting raspberry-flavored juice or punch for the vodka.

Peach Collins (serves two)
1/4 cup simple syrup
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup chopped ripe peaches, divided
1/2 cup peach-flavored vodka
1/2 cup club soda
Two peach slices
To make this refreshing mixture, mix simple syrup, lemon juice, 1/4 cup peaches and about 1/2 cup ice in a cocktail shaker. Then use a spoon to muddle (mash) the blend until the peaches break up. Add vodka, shake, pour into two glasses over ice and remaining chopped peaches, top with soda and garnish with a sliced peach.

Independence Day Punch Drink Recipe 

26 oz Rye 2 Bottles sherry 3 Bottles ginger ale 2 Whole oranges — sliced
Pour 2 bottles of the ginger ale into a bundt pan and add some of the orange slices. Freeze and use as ice ring as it doesn’t dilute the punch when it melts.
Punch does become smoother as the ring melts. Put orange slices in the punch bowl and add other ingredients. (You may wish to have one more bottle of ginger ale to make the ice ring

Summer Cooler Drink Recipe 

6 oz 7-Up 1 1/2 oz Orange Juice 3 dashes Angostura Bitters
Pour orange juice over ice in a collins glass, and add angostura bitters. Fill with 7-up, stir, and Serve in a Collins Glass

Firecrackers Drink Recipe 

1 1/2 oz Tequila Cracked ice Tonic water Lime wedge
Pour tequila over the ice in a highball glass. Fill with tonic. Stir and garnish with lime wedge.

4th of July Lemonade Drink Recipe 

1 part Jack Daniel’s bourbon 1 part triple sec 1 part sweet-and-sour mix 4 parts lemon-lime soda.
Combine all ingredients and serve this refreshing drink ove

4th of July Cocktail Drink Recipe 

1 1/2 ounce vodka 1/2 ounce triple sec 1/2 ounce sweet & sour 1/2 ounce blue curacao 1 dash grenadine
Mix all ingredients, except grenadine, in a shaker and chill. Serve in a martini glass. Add grenadine.

Once, in the 1820's, a little boy called Sam was playing in the yard behind his house. During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse. Now Sam was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn't come out until after got dark. When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him. He asked suspiciously, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?"

"No, pappy," Sam lied.

"Well, let me tell you a story," said the father. "Once, not that long ago, Mr Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father. Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down. But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother's favorite cherry tree," his pappy paused." just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his pappy asked, 'Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?' Abraham answered with, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.' Then his father said, 'Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.' So," the Sam's father asked again," did you knock down the outhouse?"

"Pappy, I cannot tell a lie any more." said the little boy. "I did indeed knock down the outhouse."

Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, "Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?"

Pappy answered, "That's because Abraham Lincoln's father wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!"

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'

The difference between a duck and George Washington is:
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.

What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

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The Grand Canyon is a steep-sided canyon carved by the Colorado River in the United States in the state of Arizona. It is largely contained within the Grand Canyon National Park, one of the first national parks in the United States. President Theodore Roosevelt was a major proponent of preservation of the Grand Canyon area, and visited it on numerous occasions to hunt and enjoy the scenery.
The Grand Canyon is 277 miles (446 km) long, up to 18 miles (29 km) wide and attains a depth of over a mile (6,000 feet / 1,800 metres)[1] Nearly two billion years of the Earth's geological history have been exposed as the Colorado River and its tributaries cut their channels through layer after layer of rock while the Colorado Plateau was uplifted. While the specific geologic processes and timing that formed the Grand Canyon are the subject of debate by geologists,[3] recent evidence suggests the Colorado River established its course through the canyon at least 17 million years ago. Since that time, the Colorado River continued to erode and form the canyon to its present-day configuration.

Before European immigration, the area was inhabited by Native Americans who built settlements within the canyon and its many caves. The Pueblo people considered the Grand Canyon ("Ongtupqa" in Hopi language) a holy site and made pilgrimages to it. The first European known to have viewed the Grand Canyon was García López de Cárdenas from Spain, who arrived in 1540

Did You Know?
No one has ever found a fossilized reptile skeleton or bone within the Grand Canyon. Fossil footprints were left by more than 20 species of reptiles and amphibians, but no teeth or bones!

Did You Know?
The Grand Canyon is a chasm 277 miles long and up to 18 miles wide.

Did You Know?
The Grand Canyon below Yavapai point is 2,400 feet above sea
level, about 4,500 feet below the South Rim and 5,400 feet below
the North Rim for an average depth of about one mile.

Did You Know?
The Grand Canyon took 3-6 million years to form; erosion continues to alter its contours.

Did You Know?
The Grand Canyon includes approximately 70 species of mammals,
250 species of birds, 25 types of reptiles and five species of amphibians.

Did You Know?
The Grand Canyon was formed by the Colorado River, which flows
west through the canyon and averages about 300 feet width, 100
feet in depth and flows at an average speed of four miles per hour.

Life in the Canyon

There is a diverse population of life in the canyon, where
over 1,500 plant, 355 bird, 89 mammalian, 47 reptile, 9 amphibian, and
17 fish species are found. The canyon offers a nearly
undisturved natural habitat through a range of elevations
from desert to montane forests on the rims.

Did You Know?
The Grand Canyon is considered one of the natural wonders of the world largely because of its natural features. The exposed geologic strata, layer upon layer, rise over a mile above the river, representing one of the most complete records of geological history that can be seen anywhere in the world.

Did You Know?
California condors, being curious, are attracted to human activity. If you see a condor, do not approach it or offer it food. As you enjoy
your next Grand Canyon viewpoint, look for these massive
scavengers soaring on their nine-foot (3m) wings over the canyon.

Yellowstone National Park, established by the U.S. Congress and
signed into law by President Ulysses S. Grant on March 1, 1872,
is a national park located primarily in the U.S. state of Wyoming,
although it also extends into Montana and Idaho. Yellowstone was
the first national park in the world, and is known for its wildlife and
its many geothermal features, especially Old Faithful Geyser, one of
the most popular features in the park.It has many types of
ecosystems, but the subalpine forest is dominant.

Native Americans have lived in the Yellowstone region for at least 11,000
years. The region was bypassed during the Lewis and Clark Expedition
in the early 19th century. Aside from visits by mountain men during the
early-to-mid-19th century, organized exploration did not begin until
the late 1860s. The U.S. Army was commissioned to oversee the park just
after its establishment. In 1917, administration of the park was transferred
to the National Park Service, which had been created the previous year.
Hundreds of structures have been built and are protected for their
architectural and historical significance, and researchers have examined
more than 1,000 archaeological sites.

Yellowstone National Park spans an area of 3,468.4 square
miles (8,983 km2),[1] comprising lakes, canyons, rivers and
mountain ranges. Yellowstone Lake is one of the largest high-
altitude lakes in North America and is centered over the Yellowstone
Caldera, the largest supervolcano on the continent. The caldera is
considered an active volcano. It has erupted with tremendous force several
times in the last two million years. Half of the world's
geothermal features are in Yellowstone, fueled by this
ongoing volcanism.

Established in 1872, Yellowstone is the world’s first national park.

Yellowstone is located 96% in Wyoming, 3% in Montana and 1% in Idaho

Larger than Rhode Island and Delaware combined. 2.2 million acres total

Record number of visitors was in 2002 with 3,151,342

With more than 10,000 geysers, hot springs and fumaroles, Yellowstone is the largest concentration of hydrothermal features in the world.

Yellowstone Lake is the largest high-altitude lake in North America.

The Yellowstone River water fall is 308 ft high at the Lower Falls

Yellowstone rests on one of the largest active volcanoes in the world.

Over 2,000 earthquakes occur per year inside the park

Yellowstone is the only place in the lower 48 states that wild bison have survived continuously.

More than 2,400 miles of streams flow through Yellowstone, providing some of the best fly-fishing in the world.

Reaching a height of 106-184 feet, Old Faithful eruptions are predictable to within 10 minutes, erupting every 46 to 92 minutes.

Park features more than 950 miles worth of backcountry trails

Gardiner Montana is located in the Parks north Entrance was founded in 1880 and is located at the 45th Parallel. Half way between the North Pole and the Equator

Lighting starts on average 22 fires per year/ and 80% of fires are put out naturally

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Yo mama's so fat that a $700 billion bailout would only keep her fed for a week.

Yo mama's so fat that the housing bubble popped because she sat on it!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks the G8 is a Value Meal at McDonald's.

Yo mama's so fat that she supported the bailout just because she wanted a 'barrel of pork'.

Yo mama's so stupid that she thinks sub-prime is a way to cut steak.

Yo mama's so fat that Sarah Palin can see her from her house.

Yo mama's so fat that Sarah Palin can't see Russia anymore!.

Yo mama's so fat that her biography is called "The Audacity of Hardee's".

Yo mama's so greasy that her face could free the U.S. from its dependence on foreign oil.

Yo mama's so ugly that you could put lipstick on a pig and it would look ten times better than her!

Yo mama's so fat that "ACORN" registered her to vote eight times!

Yo mama's so fat that even the Death Star couldn't blow her up!

Yo mama's so fat that Spock couldn't find a pressure point to perform the Vulcan Death Grip on her.

Yo mama's so fat that she thought the opening line of Kirk's monologue was "Spice, the final Frontier..."

Yo mama's so stupid that when the borg had to choose between assimilating her and a tree, they chose the tree.

Yo mama's so fat that if she were placed beside a changeling during regeneration, no one would know the difference.

Yo mama's so fat that she tried to fly through a temporal anomoly but she didn't fit.

Yo mama's so fat she makes Riker's belly look 3 atoms thick.

Yo mama's so fat that when she tried to captain a galaxy class they had to separate the saucer so she could fit.

Yo mama's so fat that she makes the USS Enterprise look like a micro machines racer.

Yo mama's so flatulent that she forced the Mustafarians to wear masks!

Yo mama's so dumb that she tried to rent a car from The Enterprise.

Yo mama's so fat that Dexster Jettster mistook her for his wife.

Yo mama's so ugly that the term 'bantha poodoo' wasn't used metaphorically with reference to her.

Yo mama's so fat that only half her body was able to come out frozen from the carbon freezing chamber in Cloud City.

Yo mama's so ugly that Dr. Evazan looks like a male supermodel next to her.

Yo mama's so fat that when she beams to a ship, the ship beams inside of her.

Yo mama's so such a ho that she slept with me... therefore, I AM YOUR FATHER!

Yo mama's so dumb that when she found a vulcan, she tried to call Santa to take him back to the north pole.

Yo mama's so fat that the passengers of the Millenium Falcon mistook her for a small moon.

Yo mama's so fat that Gardulla the Hutt had a boost in self-esteem after seeing her.

Yo mama's so ugly that she made doctor McCoy say "Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Zoologist!"

Yo mama's so fat that she fell to the dark side and couldn't get back up.

Yo mama's so fat that if she was thrown into the second Death Star's reactor core, she could have blown up the entire Imperial fleet.

Yo mama's so fat that the Kaminoans couldn't use her as a host for clones since they couldn't pierce her skin deep enough to draw blood.

Yo mama's so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a jedi mind trick!

Yo mama's so fat that she caused Kamino to flood when her water broke.

Yo mama's so ugly that she's probably a Shi'ido Clawdite that stays in her regular form all the time.

Yo mama's so fat that her lack of balance caused her to stumble into an Utapau sinkhole.

Yo mama's so fat that she crushed Boga as soon as she mounted her.

Yo Mama's so fat, that in an attempt to beam her up, the ship ended up being pulled down to the surface.

Yo Mama's so ugly even Data would need special eye googles to look at her.

Yo mama's so ugly her Kazon hairdo is an improvement!

Yo Mama's so ugly even a Ferengi would dress her in clothes.

Yo mama's so old even Guinan refers to her as "old bag".

Yo Mama's so fat that when she walks into a room the replicators stop working.

Yo Mama's so fat, Data feels strong emotions of disgust and self-terminates.

Yo Mama's so stupid the Borg wouldn't assimilate her!

Yo Mama's so fat she wears her own inertia dampener.

Yo Mama's so fat, she managed to contain a warp core breach.

Yo Mama's so fat, she got stuck trying to enter the Nexus.

Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she punched a hole in the fabric of space/time.

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KFC is the most popular fried chicken restaurant in America. Each year, KFC sells billions of pieces of fried chicken. But, it wasn't always this way. In fact, Harland Sanders was once nothing more than a gas station operator in Corbin, Kentucky. So how was it that Harland Sanders could take a simple piece of chicken and turn it and himself into a worldwide success? Here are just a few facts about the man and his fried chicken.

Fun Facts about KFC #1: In 1930 Harland Sanders Opened His First Restaurant

Harland Sanders had a variety of different jobs. In fact, among other things, he was a rail yard fireman, army private, farmhand. But, while working as a gas station operator in Corbin, Kentucky, Harland Sanders decided to open a restaurant in the front room of his gas station. Another fun fact is that the restaurant was called Sanders Court & Caf.

Fun Facts about KFC #2: The Original Recipe Was Invented in 1940

While Harland Sanders may have been successful in the 10 years that
followed the opening of his restaurant (he was made a Colonel in 1936)
he didn't invent the "Original Recipe" until 1940. Of course, the pressure
cooker had just been invented. In fact, the pressure cooker was invented
in 1939 and became a powerful tool in Colonel Sanders' kitchen.

Fun Facts about KFC #3: In 1952 the First Franchise Was Opened

In 1952, Colonel Sanders sold the first KFC franchise. Of course,
this wasn't much of a sell. Colonel Sanders and the new franchisee,
Pete Harman, shake hands and agree that Sanders will receive one
nickel for every chicken that Pete Harman sells.

It may be hard to imagine KFC chicken not being sold in a bucket, but
the fact is, KFC fried chicken didn't start coming in buckets until 1957.
Ever since then, customers have enjoyed purchasing large buckets of
fried chicken for their family, picnics, and even holiday parties.

Fun Facts about KFC #5: Acquired by Nabisco in 1982

In 1982, R.J. Reynolds Industry, Inc., which would later become RJR Nabisco, Inc., acquired KFC. But, the company wouldn't have KFC for long.

Fun Facts about KFC #6: In 1986 PepsiCo Buys Obtains KFC

Only four years later, PepsiCo acquired KFC from RJR Nabisco, Inc. Another
fun fact is that KFC would later become part of PepsiCo's YUM! Brands.
YUM! Brands has 5 chain restaurants including KFC, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell,
Long John Silvers, and A&W All American Food.

Fun Facts about KFC #7: Available in 80 Countries Around the World

Once a mere treat found in Corbin, Kentucky, KFC is now available in
80 countries around the world. Another fun fact is that the first overseas
KFC was in actually in England.

Fun Facts about KFC #8: In 2007 the Trans Fat Is Removed from the Chicken

In 2007, KFC decided to make a major change. They did keep the
"Original Recipe", but started frying the chicken in a different type
of oil so that each serving of chicken would be free of Trans Fat.

Pizza Hut makes America's favorite brand name pizza. Each day people across the world enjoy this delicious Italian treat. While Pizza Hut may not make authentic Italian dishes, they are still a brand that is known the world over. If you were to open a college student's fridge, you may even find a Pizza Hut box. That's because college students known that pizza is the breakfast of champions. Seriously, Pizza Hut does prepare some of the best brand name pizza you can find.

Fun Facts about Pizza Hut #1: A $600 Dream

Pizza Hut was a dream that started with only $600. This is a fun fact that
is true with most large companies. For example, Paula Deen began her
food empire with only $200. It may seem amazing that a small amount
of money can start one of the largest pizza companies in the world, but
hey this is America and dreams really do come true.

Fun Facts about Pizza Hut #2: Founded in 1958

Pizza Hut began in 1958 in Wichita, Kansas. With the $600 that was
available the founders were able to purchase second-hand equipment
and rent a small building. Another fun fact is that the restaurant quickly
spread into other cities and eventually went worldwide.

Fun Facts about Pizza Hut #3: Started By College Students

Now this fact shouldn't shock you at all. The two masterminds behind Pizza
Hut were two college students who happened to be bothers. Along with their mother, the two bothers were able to build the world's most successful pizza
chain.

Fun Facts about Pizza Hut #4: It All Began with a Family Recipe

Pizza Hut actually began with a family recipe. Another fun fact is that many companies across America started out with a family recipe. If you think your family recipe is worth sharing with the world, why not consider starting a small company? You never know where it may lead.

Fun Facts about Pizza Hut #5: Bought By PepsiCo in 1977

In 1977, PepsiCo bought Pizza Hut. Another fun fact is that
PepsiCo owns several other brands including Gatorade,
Tropicana, Quakers, and Frito-Lay. PepsiCo would eventually
combine all of their restaurants to create a whole new brand.

Fun Facts about Pizza Hut #5: Bought By PepsiCo in 1977

In 1977, PepsiCo bought Pizza Hut. Another fun fact is that PepsiCo owns several other brands including Gatorade, Tropicana, Quakers, and Frito-Lay. PepsiCo would eventually combine all of their restaurants to create a whole new brand.

Fun Facts about Pizza Hut #7: Located in 100 Countries

Pizza Hut may have started out in Wichita, Kansas but it now has locations in 100 countries. Another fun fact is that several other America restaurants are located throughout the world including McDonald's and KFC.

Long John Silver's is one of America's favorite fast food restaurants. In fact, this restaurant chain is so popular that it serves almost four million people each week. But, what makes Long John Silver's so popular? Many people turn to this fast food chain because they offer seafood quickly and at affordable prices. If you happen to be one of the four million people who visit Long John Silver's each week, you will love these facts.

Facts About Long John Silver's #1: Founded in 1969

Long John Silver's was founded in 1969 and immediately became a success. People love being able to get great seafood without having to visit an expensive restaurant. They also love being able to get delicious seafood at the drive thru.

Facts About Long John Silver's #2: Inspired by Treasure Island

A fun fact about Long John Silver's is that the founder was inspired by the book Treasure Island, which features a pirate by the name of Long John Silver. Since the beginning, this restaurant has continued to feature a pirate theme. On their website you can even find a game that will tell you what your pirate name is.

Facts About Long John Silver's #3: World's Most Popular Seafood Chain Restaurant

Long John Silver's is located all over the world and surprisingly enough, this is the world's most popular seafood chain restaurant. The only competitor this restaurant seems to have is Captain D's, which means customers don't have a lot of choice when it comes to fast seafood.

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“Courageous people don’t neglect fear. Courageous people accept the fear, but with a smile on their faces.”

“Misfortune is often based on wrong thinking. People wrongly believe that vanity and dignity is one same thing.”

“Once you realize that each day of your life brings a new chance for you, you will be able to move on and be happy.”

“To be mentally sound, you need changes. You cannot do the same thing repeatedly and expect to have different results.”

“Before you move on, you have to forgive yourself for your mistakes.”

“If you are attached to any event, this will prevent you from moving on to better things. It is like a fence that keeps you inside your past.”

“We don’t know what we’re capable of, until we try. You can only make it if you try.”

“Success happens to people who are able to move on after failures and downs. It doesn’t matter how often you fall, but how fast you get up and move on.”

“Sometimes, we are afraid of moving on because we prefer sticking to the things we know all about. We call this certainty. We tend to hold on to something, just because we’ve gotten used to it. Making changes has a certain risk and people are afraid of this risk. But, you should know that this risk is never greater than your potential success.”

“Sometimes, the winner is the one who is able to let go and move on. Wise people know when to do so.”

“If you keep projecting your pass onto your future, you will be living the same day over and over.”

“If you want to make any progress, you must have a bit of self-criticism and a lot of guts. Progress is only possible if you move on to the unknown.”

FOSTER THE PEOPLE
"Helena Beat"

Sometimes life it takes you by the hand.
It puts you down before you know it
It’s gone and you’re dead again.
I’ve been in places and I won’t pretend
That I make it I just follow my head.
When it's strange to take a walk downstairs
Sweep u all up on a corner and pay for my bread.
You know that I cannot believe my own truth
To show what a truth, it's got nothing to lose.

Yeah yeah and it’s okay.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don’t fall that way.
Yeah yeah and I’m alright.
I took a sip of something poison but I’ll hold on tight.

You know those days when you wanted to choose
To not get out of bed and get lost in your head again.
You play the game but you gotta cut
Cuz’ you’re coming down hard your joints are off stud.
I tried to say that’s not the only way
I never knew if I could convince myself to change.
You were pacing I was insecure.
Slip and fall I got the calls of the prison I was living in.

Yeah yeah and it’s okay.
I tie my hands up to a chair so I don’t fall that way.
Yeah yeah and I’m alright.
I took a sip of something poison but I’ll hold on tight.

Foster The People - Warrant

Well I've been just I've been a bug unknown
I know all about it but my heart is strong

I've been away been running to save my head
Yeah the warrants out and I'm almost there
No ones said what I've already said

Got to get away
There's inside my head
Got to get away
They want me alive or dead x2

I've thought a lot about the way fight
Come through the phone lines, not man enough to face me

I can stop or argue about what they say
Yeah the warrants out and I'm gonna pay
I said what I'm gonna say

Got to get away
There's a war inside my head
Got to get away
They want me alive or dead x2

He was like a fake friend who warms you up and takes you in
You mouth the words but no sound comes out

And he was like your best friend who wakes you up and takes you in
You mouth the words and sound again

Don't know better
Don't know better

Got to get away
There's a war inside my head
Got to get away
They want me alive or dead x4

Foster The People - Miss You

Forget your problems
Lay down inside of
Your innocence of what you are
Is What I want
I bring my colors
Drip down and drained out
Tried a million things
But my hearts been shy
Well I hope you try and find me
I'm most tired of pacing
And I know what you want to say
So say it
Forget the words speak it just want to rearrange
So I just say it

OoooOoooO
I really miss you
Miss you
Say
Smile at the chance just to see you again
I really miss you miss you say
Yeah Yeah Yeah

Beat stroking this like
Things I think are right
I never knew I could go as far as this
I took your problem greasly and forgot him
I know who I had been before I slipped
Oh I want to change it
I will live a life that makes you smile
When im done here in long long
Fever is peaking just want to see your face
Oh what cha say, what cha say?

OoOoOO yea
I really
miss you
miss you
Say
Smile at the chance to just see you again
I really miss you miss you say
So Look at me now
Before I walk away
You might just miss me miss me
One day
Yeah Yeah Yeah

Foster The People - Life On The Nickel

Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
But I can't seem to catch a dime
Take a little hit and I lose the time

I took the man and his horse
And ran before he looked up
I said the light's gonna change
But I'm calm and feeling warm

Now I'm sticking out my hands
And feeling weightless again

You got to push, got to shove
Got to eat before they eat me
Got the crown and the cup
Got to write to my family

Say, "I'm calm and feeling warm"
Not quite there but I'm close
And it's a world of a difference

Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
But I can't seem to catch a dime
Take a little hit and I lose the time

Got the worst all behind me
Yeah, they'll never be able to find me
I'm the king of the city
I'm a roach and they're all primates

This is meal time
Real life
I'm not gonna fight
No, I'm not gonna start a war

I've been right, I've been wrong
My smokes have come and gone
I've been crazy, been fed
Enough to not wind up dead

And I'm lonely
My eyes have been closed to the world
'Cause the world's got nothing for me

Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
But I can't seem to catch a dime
Take a little hit and I lose the time

Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
But I can't seem to catch a dime
Take a little hit and I lose the time

Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling
Yet again I'm hustling, hustling, hustling

oster The People - Houdini

Rise above gonna start a war
Whatcha want whatcha need whatcha come here for
Well an eye for an eye and an F for fight
Takin me down is a prisoners right

Got shackles on my wings on tight
Beggin makin compromise
Fast enough it's hard to hide
Sometimes I want to disappear

When I feel good I play under warm distress
Pass it up on a better day
Well you got whatcha want whatcha never knew
Perfect gift from me to you

Yeah yeah yeah

Got shackles on my wings on tight
Beggin makin compromise
Fast enough it's hard to hide
Sometimes I want to disappear

(Raise up to your ability)
You never knew what I could find
What could come when we realize
Don't no one want to compromise

(Raise up to your ability)
Yeah I'm scared but I'll disappear
Run around before I'll come with you
Like he's someone who's lost his way

(Raise up to your ability)
I know that you wanna
Cause it was easy to see
Of my ability

(Raise up to your ability)
Yeah you're undecided
Yeah so I can see it
Yeah I'm gonna wanna mound your way

Focus on your ability
Focus on your ability
Now focus on your ability
Focus on your ability

Gain again what they want to steal
Gain again what they want to steal
Gonna gain again what they want to steal
Gain again what they want to steal

Foster The People - I Would Do Anything For You

Now I understand upon myself
Never want again in the way I said it
I don't know what the plan is but you can share
With me
Cause I'll be listening ear
To everything you say I won't turn away
And I'll listen up and out my heart and I must say
That I love you so

Ooh La La I'm fallin' in love and better its this time than ever before
Ooh La La I'm fallin' in love and better its this time than I've ever known

Everyday is a battle I face
Strange like I live but its what you decided
I give it all and the all ends, Do what you will
With me
And I'll, I smile when you speak
Remember all those times I was hoping for something
And shakin' my head from all that I've done
But you never left me

Ooh La La I'm fallin' in love and better its this time than ever before
Ooh La La I'm fallin' in love and better its this time
than I've ever known x2

Give it up for you
Give it up for you
Give it up for you
Together and forever

Ooh La La I'm fallin' in love and better its this time than ever before
Ooh La La I'm fallin' in love and better its this time
than I've ever known x2

I have fall-in in love
I have fall-in in love

Foster The People
Waste

I'll hold your hand when you are feeling mad at me
When the monsters they wont go,
The windows, they wont close,
I'll pretend to see what you see

How long, I say how long, will you re-live the things that are gone?
The devil's on your back but I know you can shake him off

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

You know its funny how freedom can make us feel contained
When the muscles in our legs aren't used to all the walking
I know if you could snap both your fingers than you'd escape with me
But in the meantime I'll just wait here and listen
to you when you speak, or scream

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

[Incomprehensible lyrics here]

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

Foster The People
Don't Stop

Walk little walk Small talk big thoughts
Gonna tell them all just what I want
That Street two streets I see you and me
Hanging on the empty of swings
'Count high low don't worry my eyes are closed
Im a superman and it's my show
One shoe two gonna kick with My new shoes
Im going to kick until I need new shoes

Yeah , Yeah
I said don't stop, don't stop, don't stop
Talking to me
Stop don't stop don't stop
Giving me things

I run they run everybody run run
And we're all just having fun
Sleigh ride boat ride piggy back ride
Im going to show them all how I can ride
One two three close your eyes and count to four
I like to hide behind my bedroom door
Crayon on the wall
Color on the wall
Until I've broken every law

I said don't stop, don't stop, don't stop
Talking to me
Stop don't stop don't stop
Giving me things

Stop, don't stop, don't stop
Laughing about it
Stop don't stop don't stop

don't stop

don't stop don't stop don't stop
Talking with me
Stop don't stop don't stop
Giving me thing
Stop don't stop don't stop
Laughing about it
Stop don't stop don't stop X3

Foster The People
Call It What You Want

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

Yeah, we're locked up in ideas
We like to label everything
Well, I'm just gonna do here what I gotta do here
'Cause I gotta keep myself free

You're ducking and moving
Just to hide your bruises from all your enemies
And I'm in the crossfire dodging bullets
From your expectancies, yeah yeah

We've got nothing to lose
You better run and hide
You crossed the line
I've got a knife behind my back, just sayin'

We've got nothing to prove
Your social guides give you swollen eyes
But what I've got can't
Be bought so you can just

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

You've taken your words and you take your judgments
And stick them onto everything
If it don't conform to what you were born into
Then you run the other way

You say, "Now what's your style and
Who do you listen to?" Who cares?
Well, that rat race ladder-climbing
Fake-face smile's got nothing on me

We've got nothing to lose
You better run and hide
You crossed the line
I've got a knife behind my back, just sayin'

We've got nothing to prove
Your social guides give you swollen eyes
But what I've got can't
Be bought so you can just

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

You can call it what you want
What you want

Foster The People
Pumped Up Kicks

Robert's got a quick hand
He looked around the room but won't tell you his plan
He's got a rolled cigarette hanging out his mouth, he's a cowboy kid
Yeah found a six-shooter gun
In his dad's closet with a box of fun things, I don't even know what
But he's coming for you, yeah he's coming for you, hey

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, faster than my bullet
(x2)

Daddy works a long day
He be coming home late, he's coming home late
and he's bringing me a surprise
'Cause dinner's in the kitchen and it's packed in ice
I've waited for a long time
Yeah the slight of my hand is now a quick pull trigger,
I reason with my cigarette
And say your hair's on fire, you must have lost your wits, yeah

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, faster than my bullet
(x2)

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You better run, better run, faster than my bullet
(x3)

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Weird London Facts
· Law reformer Jeremy Bentham left his entire estate to London’s University College in 1832 on condition that he be stuffed, dressed in his finest clothes and mounted in a chair from where he would continue to attend the annual meeting of the university’s board of governors. His figure is still brought out to preside over an annual debate.

London

· If you find a Cab-driver in London not carrying a bale of hay overboard, he is breaking the law.

All London taxis are "Hackney Carriages" registered and in the olden days this means "Horse-drawn". Regulations stated that no horses should go hungry and therefore insisted that all horse- drawn carriages that were registered as "Hackney Carriage" (mainly Taxis) should carry a bale of hay. That rule has still not been changed hence still applies. Fortunately it is not enforced.

London

· Who says you cannot drive on the right hand side of the road in London?
Well you can, but only in the Savoy Courtyard. It is a short street which leads to the Savoy hotel entrance.

The Strand, London.
A very famous name. Most people know about the "Strand" in London.
Well we have got news for you. No such street exists in London.

London

Her Majesty the Queen.
Even though being the sovereign of The UNITED KINGDOM, Her Majesty the Queen is not allowed to enter the City of London with seeking the permission of its Lord Mayor.

City of London.
The actual City of London is only 1 square mile. All other major road such as Oxford Street, Piccadilly and Regent Street actually come under "The City of Westminster"

The British eat twice as many baked beans per head as Americans do.
William the Conqueror ordered that everyone should go to bed at eight o’clock.

Some 80,000 umbrellas are lost annually on the London Underground.

Nothing officially happened in Britain between 3 and 14 September 1752. This was because the country was switching from the old Julian calendar to the Western or Gregorian calendar, a move initially instituted by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582. Britain didn’t get round to changing until 1752 when those 11 days went unobserved.

· Because Britain lived by the Julian calendar, until 1752 New Year’s Day fell on 25 March.

· There are a dozen secret rivers flowing beneath London. One, the Effra travels under the Oval cricket ground.

London

Berwick-upon-Tweed was officially at war with Russia for 110 years. As the border town frequently changed hands between England and Scotland over the centuries, it was usually referred to as a separate entity in all State documents. At the outbreak of the Crimean War, Britain declared war on Russia in the name of Britain, Ireland, Berwick-upon-Tweed andall British Dominions. But when the war ended two years later in 1856, the Paris Peace Treaty omitted Berwick. So Berwick was technically at war with Russia until 1966 when a Soviet official, made aware of the situation, visited the town to declare peace. The Mayor of Berwick said: “Please tell the Russian people that at last thy can sleep peacefully in their beds!”
·

London

There are over 30,000 John Smiths in Britain.

Britain’s first holiday camp was Dodd’s Socialist Holiday Camp at Caister-on-Sea in Norfolk, which opened in 1906. Alcohol was strictly banned and any holidaymaker caught talking loudly after 11pm was thrown out. Accommodation was under canvas and anyone failing to keep his it her tent tidy was liable to a 6d fine for each offense.

London

When the 999 service was introduced to Britain in 1937, the buzzer which alerted the switchboard operators to an emergency call was s loud that a number of girl operators fainted when they heard it. The noise level was eventually reduced by inserting a tennis ball in the mouth of the buzzer.

When the water level is very low at Ladybower Reservoir in Derbyshire, a church spire appears above the surface. It is the only visible remains of the villages of Ashopton and Derwent, both of which were flooded when the reservoir was filled in 1943.

London

· Portugal is England’s oldest ally. The Anglo-Portuguese Treaty signed in 1373 is still in force.
· The town of Beverley, near Hull, was named after the number of beavers which once lived in the area.
· In 1945, a flock of starlings landed on the minute hand of Big Ben and put the time back by five minutes.
· Britain is he only country in the world which doesn’t have the country’s name in its postage stamps.
· Nowhere in Britain is more than 74½ miles from the sea.
· An old red telephone kiosk in Huddersfield was converted into a bar by a hotelier who promptly dubbed it the smallest public bar in Britain.
·

THE ALBERT MEMORIAL IN HYDE PARK.

A huge Gothic edifice erected to the memory of Prince Albert, the consort of Queen Victoria, is decorated with sculptures which reveal an extraordinary but quite unintentional set of coincidences. There are 61 human figures (Albert died in 1861); there are 19 men (Albert was born in 1819); there are 42 women (Albert died at age 42); and there are 9 animals (Albert had 9 children).

· EAR FOR MUSIC

The statue of Handel in Westminster Abbey has someone else's ear. The sculptor, Louis Francois Roubillac, thought that Handel's ear, though without doubt musical, was rather ugly. So he used as a model the ear of a certain Miss Rich, which, though not at all musical, was sculpturally perfect.

STAR-SPANGLED SPIRE

Christ Church, Lambeth, has a spire decorated with stars and stripes. Half the cost of the church was borne by Americans, and the tower commemorates President Lincoln's abolition of slavery.

PIERPOINT'S REFUGE

London's first traffic island was put in St. James's Street in 1864 at the personal expense of a Colonel Pierpoint, who was afraid of being run over on his way to his Pall Mall club. When it was finished, he dashed across the road to admire his creation and was knocked down by a cab.

THE MYSTERY OF SCOTLAND YARD

When New Scotland Yard was being built in 1888, the torso of a woman, headless and without arms, was discovered in the foundations. All the resources of the Criminal Investigation Dept. failed to find the murderer or the identity of the victim. And so Scotland Yard was built on the site of an unsolved murder.

THE DEVILS OF CORNHILL

When a Victorian office block was built in front of the church of St. Peter on Cornhill, a gap had to be left to allow access to the church. This ruined the architect's original plan, so he decorated his building with devils, which to this day glare down at the church door to curse the congregation as they go in.

THE STATUE THAT GOT MARRIED

In the gardens of Smithfield stands the statue of a young woman wearing a solid gold wedding ring. The ring was found by the market superintendent in 1924, and when no one claimed it, he had it soldered onto her finger, because as she had been standing there, supposed to represent fertility since 1873, he thought it was high time she got married.

UPRIGHT BURIAL

In the floor of Westminster Abbey is a tiny stone marking the burial place of the poet Ben Jonson. He was too poor to pay for the normal grave space, so he is buried standing up.

THE MONUMENT THAT CRIED

In St. Bartholomew-the-Great, London's oldest church, is a wall tablet recording the death in 1652 of one Edward Cooke. His epitaph asks you to cry for him, "or if ye find noe vent for tears, yet stay and see the marble weepe." This is no poetic flight of fancy, for the memorial is made of "weeping marble," so called because of its tendency to break out into "tears" of moisture.

THE MURDER OF SIR EDMUND BERRY GODFREY

On Oct. 17, 1678, the body of Sir Edmund Berry Godfrey was discovered in a field near the present Regent's Park called Greenbury Hill. Later three men were executed for the murder. Their names were Green, Berry, and Hill.

A three-seater outside lavatory at Bishop’s Tawton in North Devon is a Grade II listed building.

Female applicants for the original Directory Enquiry operators had to be single. They were expected to resign if they got married.

When it was built in 1286, Harlech Castle in West Wales was right on the coast. Now it id half a mile inland. This is because the land around the castle is slowly rising – part of northern Britain springing back into position after being weighed down during the Ice Age.

The tax on a deck of playing cards in 16th-century England was 2s 6d – much more than a lot of people warned in a month.

There are more chickens than humans in England.

After the 1745 rebellion, led by Bonnie Prince Charlie, the government made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts. The ban remained in force until 1832.

Although the Great Fire of London destroyed much of the city, only six people were killed.

Rudolf Hess was the last prisoner to be kept in the Tower of London.

There are more than 32,000 music performances a year in London – 621 a week, 17% of which are free!

London has four UNESCO world heritage sites: Tower of London, Maritime Greenwich, Westminster Palace, Kew’s Royal Botanic Gardens.

London has 40,000 listed buildings and over 150 ancient monuments.

London has 22 national museums and more than 200 other museums.

London has twelve specialist arts and culture Higher Education Institutes.

The new Wembley Stadium is the largest football stadium in the world.

London has cultural centres run by and dedicated to its Polish, Kurdish, Chinese, Romanian, Hungarian, Bengali, Jewish, Somali, Hindu, and Irish communities.

London’s 395 public libraries stock 17 million books.

Nearly a third of all the UK’s archives are in London. These include the National Archives, which provide an unbroken record of Britain's government from the 11th century to the present day.

51% of Londoners visited a museum or gallery in the last twelve months, compared to 42% for the UK as a whole.

The Tate Modern is the world’s most popular modern art gallery.

It is estimated that 200 festivals take place in London every year.

Baishaki Mela – the Bengali New Year – is celebrated in Brick Lane and is the biggest Bengali celebration outside Bangladesh and West Bengal.

The London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games will require 70,000 volunteers.

The O2 Arena sold two million tickets in 2008 and hosted 140 events, making it the world's most popular music venue.

There are more than 900 bookshops in London – twice as many as New York.

There were 14,350 film “shooting days” in London in 2007, making it the third most filmed city in the world.

London has 105 cinemas and more than 500 cinema screens.

There are more than 17,000 theatrical performances per year, and more than 50 theatres in London’s West End.

Around 85% of the UK’s fashion designers are based in London.

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Money Joke 1
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

Money Joke 2
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Money Joke 3
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

Money Joke 4
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.

Money Joke 5
Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks – but half the pages are missing. What’s the matter? Isn’t half a million enough for you?

Money Joke 6
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.

Money Joke 7
Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

Money Joke 8
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She d read there was going to be some change in the weather.

Money Joke 9
Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. “You should give that money to charity,” said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, “No, I ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity.”

Money Joke 10
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.

Money Joke 11
How can a can you double your money? By folding it in half.

Money Joke 12
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. “I m not paying,” said the duck. “I’ve only got one bill and I m not breaking it.” “I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer. “Then the duck ll have to pay,” said the skunk. “Getting here cost me my last scent.”

Money Joke 13
Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won’t wear my shoes out so fast.

Money Joke 17
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That’s what I m afraid of!

Money Joke 18
Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here’s the elastic band.

Money Joke 19
A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. “Oh yes, I’ve done that,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve only got to make a will. And do you know what I m going to do with all my money? I m going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life.”

Money Joke 20
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

Money Joke 21
At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, “I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.”

Money Joke 22
Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, “Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?” “Whada ya win?” “A million dollars!” said the redneck. “You get a dollar a year for a million years.” “How much are they each?” “Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!”

Money Joke 23
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

Money Joke 24
Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table! The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out, I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!

Money Joke 25
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they d do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. Alec ! yelled the teacher, you’ve done nothing. Why? Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do !

Money Joke 26
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. I’ve lost five cents, sobbed Johnny. Don’t worry, said his dad kindly. Here’s five more for you, At this Johnny howled louder than ever. Now what is it ?

Money Joke 27
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that’s crying, Ice cream! Ice Cream !

Money Joke 28
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. You should give that money to charity, said the shopkeeper. No, I ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!

Money Joke 29
Ted said to his friend, can you lend me $10? But I only have $8, his friend replied. That’s OK, you can always owe me the other $2!

Money Joke 30
If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ? Someone else’s coat.

Money Joke 31
A little monster was learning to play the violin, I m good, aren’t I? he asked his big brother. You should be on the radio, said his brother. You think I m that good? No, I think you

Money Joke 32
Why did your sister feed money to her cow ? Because she wanted to get rich milk.

Money Joke 33
My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn’t know how rich he was.

Money Joke 34
Five dollars for one question! said the girl to the fortune-teller. That’s very expensive,isn’t it ? Next!

Money Joke 35
Visitor: You re very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.

Money Joke 36
I can’t find my dollar bill, Jane sobbed. Don’t worry, her Counselor said. A dollar doesn’t go very far today.

Money Joke 37
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. What are you doing? she asked. I m looking for my dollar bill, Max replied. I lost it down the road. Why don’t you look for it there?

Money Joke 82
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

Money Joke 83
Q:Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A:( He wanted cold hard cash! )

Money Joke 80
Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.

Money Joke 81
Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

Money Joke 78
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you ? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money !

Money Joke 79
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat ? To see if there was any more money in the kitty !

Money Joke 38
Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, Is Washington’s picture still on the dollar bill? His Father wrote back, Of course it is. Why do you ask? Martin answered, Because it’s been so long since I’ve seen one!

Money Joke 39
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I d pay whatever it charged.

Money Joke 40
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ? Because the poor didn’t have any !

Money Joke 76
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. “Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.” “What’s the problem?” “When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”

Money Joke 77
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”

Money Joke 41
How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.

Money Joke 42
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).

Money Joke 43
If you want to get rich, why should you keep your mouth shut? Because silence is golden.

Money Joke 73
What is the quickest way to double your money ? Fold it in half !

Money Joke 74
How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

Money Joke 75
What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money’s tight these days!

Money Joke 44
What did the man do when he got a big gas bill? He exploded.

Money Joke 45
Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.

Money Joke 46
How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror.

Money Joke 70
What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up scents (cents).

Money Joke 71
Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

Money Joke 72
Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.

Money Joke 47
What kind of money do monsters use? Weirdo (weird dough).

Money Joke 48
Why are diapers like $10 bills? Because you have to change them.

Money Joke 49
Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.

Money Joke 67
Who makes a million dollars a day? Someone who works in a mint.

Money Joke 68
Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting? Because he gave out bad scents (cents).

Money Joke 69
If George Washington were alive today, why couldn’t he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Money Joke 50
Why isn’t a dime worth as much today as it used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.

Money Joke 51
Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had? Because they were a nuisance (new cents).

Money Joke 52
How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.

Money Joke 65
How did rich people get their money? They were calm and collected.

Money Joke 66
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

Money Joke 53
When does a female deer need money? When she doesn’t have a buck.

Money Joke 54
Why is a cat like a penny? Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.

Money Joke 55
How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.

Money Joke 62
If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have? A dollar.

Money Joke 63
What lands as often on its tail as it does its head? A penny.

Money Joke 64
Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new one? An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.

Money Joke 56
Where do Eskimos keep their money? In snowbanks.

Money Joke 57
Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.

Money Joke 58
Where do trees keep their money? In branch banks.

Money Joke 59
Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator? He liked cold cash.

Money Joke 60
Why do wallets make so much noise? Because money talks.

Money Joke 61
How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

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Earthquake Facts
The largest recorded earthquake in the United States was a magnitude 9.2 that struck Prince William Sound, Alaska on Good Friday, March 28, 1964 UTC.
The largest recorded earthquake in the world was a magnitude 9.5 (Mw) in Chile on May 22, 1960.

The earliest reported earthquake in California was felt in 1769 by the exploring expedition of Gaspar de Portola while the group was camping about 48 kilometers (30 miles) southeast of Los Angeles.

Before electronics allowed recordings of large earthquakes, scientists built large spring-pendulum seismometers in an attempt to record the long-period motion produced by such quakes. The largest one weighed about 15 tons. There is a medium-sized one three stories high in Mexico City that is still in operation.
The average rate of motion across the San Andreas Fault Zone during the past 3 million years is 56 mm/yr (2 in/yr). This is about the same rate at which your fingernails grow. Assuming this rate continues, scientists project that Los Angeles and San Francisco will be adjacent to one another in approximately 15 million years.

The East African Rift System is a 50-60 km (31-37 miles) wide zone of active volcanics and faulting that extends north-south in eastern Africa for more than 3000 km (1864 miles) from Ethiopia in the north to Zambezi in the south. It is a rare example of an active continental rift zone, where a continental plate is attempting to split into two plates which are moving away from one another.

The first “pendulum seismoscope” to measure the shaking of the ground during an earthquake was developed in 1751, and it wasn’t until 1855 that faults were recognized as the source of earthquakes.

Moonquakes (“earthquakes” on the moon) do occur, but they happen less frequently and have smaller magnitudes than earthquakes on the Earth. It appears they are related to the tidal stresses associated with the varying distance between the Earth and Moon. They also occur at great depth, about halfway between the surface and the center of the moon.

Although both are sea waves, a tsunami and a tidal wave are two different
unrelated phenomenona. A tidal wave is a shallow water wave caused by
the gravitational interactions between the Sun, Moon, and Earth. A tsunami
is a sea wave caused by an underwater earthquake or landslide (usually
triggered by an earthquake) displacing the ocean water.

The hypocenter of an earthquake is the location beneath the earth’s surface where the rupture of the fault begins. The epicenter of an earthquake is the location directly above the hypocenter on the surface of the earth.

The world’s greatest land mountain range is the Himalaya-Karakoram. It
countains 96 of the world’s 109 peaks of over 7,317m (24,000 ft). The
longest range is the Andes of South America which is 7,564km (4700 mi) in
length. Both were created bythe movement of tectonic plates.

It is estimated that there are 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world
each year. 100,000 of those can be felt, and 100 of them cause damage.

It is thought that more damage was done by the resulting fire after the 1906
San Francisco earthquake than by the earthquake itself.

A seiche (pronounced SAYSH) is what happens in the swimming pools
of Californians during and after an earthquake. It is “an internal wave
oscillatingin a body of water” or, in other words, it is the sloshing of the water
in your swimming pool, or any body of water, caused by the ground shaking
in an earthquake. It may continue for a few moments or hours, long after
the generating force is gone. A seiche can also be caused by wind or tides.

Each year the southern California area has about 10,000 earthquakes.
Most of them are so small that they are not felt. Only several hundred are
greater than magnitude 3.0, and only about 15-20 are greater than magnitude
4.0. If there is a large earthquake, however, the aftershock sequence will
produce many more earthquakes of all magnitudes for many months.

The magnitude of an earthquake is a measured value of the earthquake
size. The magnitude is the same no matter where you are, or how strong
or weak the shaking was in various locations. The intensity of an earthquake
is a measure of the shaking created by the earthquake, and this value
does vary with location.The Wasatch Range, with its outstanding ski areas, runs North-South through Utah, and like all mountain ranges it was produced by a seriesof earthquakes. The 386 km (240-mile)-long Wasatch Fault is made up
of several segments, each capable of producing up to a M7.5 earthquake.
During the past 6,000 years, there has been a M6.5+ about once every
350 years, and it has been about 350 years since the last powerful
earthquake, which was on the Nephi segment.

There is no such thing as “earthquake weather”. Statistically, there is
an equal distribution of earthquakes in cold weather, hot weather,
rainy weather, etc. Furthermore, there is no physical way that the
weather could affect the forces several miles beneath the surface of the
earth. The changes in barometric pressure in the atmosphere are
very small compared to the forces in the crust, and the effect of
the barometric pressure does not reach beneath the soil.
From 1975-1995 there were only four states that did not have
any earthquakes. They were: Florida, Iowa, North Dakota,
and Wisconsin.

The core of the earth was the first internal structural element to be
identified. In 1906 R.D. Oldham discovered it from his studies
of earthquake records. The inner core is solid, and the outer core is liquid
and so does not transmit the shear wave energy released during
an earthquake.

The swimming pool at the University of Arizona in Tucson lost water from
sloshing (seiche) caused by the 1985 M8.1 Michoacan, Mexico earthquake
2000 km (1240 miles) away.

Earthquakes occur in the central portion of the United States too!
Some very powerful earthquakes occurred along the New Madrid fault
in the Mississippi Valley in 1811-1812. Because of the crustal structure
in the Central US which efficiently propagates seismic energy,
shaking from earthquakes in this part of the country are felt at a
much greater distance from the epicenters than similar size quakes in
the Western US.

Most earthquakes occur at depths of less than 80 km (50 miles) from the Earth’s surface.

The San Andreas fault is NOT a single, continuous fault, but rather is actually a
fault zone made up of many segments. Movement may occur along any of
the many fault segments along the zone at any time. The San Andreas fault
system is more that 1300 km (800 miles) long, and in some spots is as much as
16 km (10 miles) deep.

The world’s deadliest recorded earthquake occurred in 1556 in central China.
It struck a region where most people lived in caves carved from soft rock.
These dwellings collapsed during the earthquake, killing an estimated
830,000 people. In 1976 another deadly earthquake struck in Tangshan,
China, where more than 250,000 people were killed. they are much too small to
be seen on enough stations to obtain a location.

Florida and North Dakota have the smallest number of earthquakes in the United States.

The deepest earthquakes typically occur at plate boundaries where the Earth”s
crust is being subducted into the Earth’s mantle. These occur as deep as
750 km (400 miles) below the surface.

Alaska is the most earthquake-prone state and one of the most seismically
active regions in the world. Alaska experiences a magnitude 7 earthquake
almost every year, and a magnitude 8 or greater earthquake on average every
14 years.

The majority of the earthquakes and volcanic eruptions occur along plate boundaries such as the boundary between the Pacific Plate and the North
American plate. One of the most active plate boundaries where earthquakes
and eruptions are frequent, for example, is around the massive Pacific
Plate commonly referred to as the Pacific Ring of Fire.

The earliest recorded evidence of an earthquake has been traced back to 1831 BC
in the Shandong province of China, but there is a fairly complete record starting
in 780 BC during the Zhou Dynasty in China.

It was recognized as early as 350 BC by the Greek scientist Aristotle that
soft ground shakes more than hard rock in an earthquake.

The cause of earthquakes was stated correctly in 1760 by British engineer
John Michell, one of the first fathers of seismology, in a memoir where he
wrote that earthquakes and the waves of energy that they make are caused
by “shifting masses of rock miles below the surface”.

In 1663 the European settlers experienced their first earthquake in America.
Human beings can detect sounds in the frequency range 20-20,000 Hertz.
If a P wave refracts out of the rock surface into the air, and it has a
frequency in the audible range, it will be heard as a rumble. Most earthquake
waves have a frequency of less than 20 Hz, so the waves themselves are usually
not heard. Most of the rumbling noise heard during an earthquake is the
building and its contents moving.

When the Chilean earthquake occurred in 1960, seismographs recorded
seismic waves that traveled all around the Earth. These seismic waves shook
the entire earth for many days! This phenomenon is called the free oscillation
of the Earth.

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"I am a person, and my name is Anakin."
―Anakin Skywalker —

"Are you an angel? […] I've heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They're the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They live on the moons of Iego, I think. "
―Anakin upon meeting Padmé Amidala —

"Hey! Hit the nose!"

―Anakin to Jar Jar Binks[src]
"I had a dream that I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the slaves."
―Anakin

"I saw your laser sword, only Jedi carry that kind of weapon."
―Anakin to Qui-Gon Jinn

"Mom, you said that the biggest problem in the universe is that no one helps each other."
―Anakin to his mother, Shmi Skywalker

"Anakin, this path has been placed before you. The choice is yours alone."
―Shmi Skywalker —

"I'm going to the Jedi Temple to start my training, I hope."
―Anakin[

"I know we're in trouble, just hang on!"
―Anakin to R2-D2

"Now this is podracing!"
―Anakin upon flying a Naboo Starfighter

"What will happen to me now?"
"The council has given me permission to train you. You will become a Jedi, I promise."
―Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi

"You should be proud of your son. He gives without any thought of reward."
―Qui-Gon Jinn to Shmi

"There was no father. I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him. I can't explain what happened."
―Shmi Skywalker to Qui-Gon Jinn

"Clouded, this boy's future is."
―Yoda[

"Your thoughts dwell on your mother."
―Ki-Adi-Mundi to Anakin

"The boy is dangerous. They all sense it, why can't you?"
―Obi-Wan Kenobi

"He is the Chosen One... he will... bring balance... train him."
―Qui-Gon Jinn's dying words

"And you, young Skywalker; we shall watch your career with great interest."
―Palpatine to Anakin

"I'm a pilot, you know."
―Anakin to Padmé Amidala[
Edit Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

"Why do I get the feeling you are going to be the death of me?"
"Don't say that Master... You're the closest thing I have to a father..."
"Then why don't you listen to me?"
"I am trying."
―Anakin to Obi-Wan

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere."
―Anakin to Padmé

"From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again... I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you—I can't breathe. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me... what can I do? I will do anything you ask."
―Anakin to Padmé

"I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them. And not just the men... but the women, and the children too. They're like animals! And I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!"
―Anakin to Padmé after slaughtering a Sand people settlement

"Well, I should be! Some day I will be... I will be the most powerful Jedi ever. I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying."
―Anakin

"I have a bad feeling about this."
―Anakin

"Anakin, you're focusing on the negative. Be mindful of your thoughts."
―Obi-Wan Kenobi

"Oh, not again! Obi-Wan's gonna kill me."
―Anakin, after his lightsaber is destroyed on the assembly line[src]
"I'm a slow learner."
―Anakin to Count Dooku

"I'm going to make you pay for what you've done."
"Come, Padawan. Your fall will be my ascension to the Sith."
―Anakin and Asajj Ventress[

"I'm tired of all this. Our love should not be hidden like it's some kind of immoral thing!"
―Anakin to Padmé

Edit Star Wars: Clone Wars
"I'm going to make you pay for what you've done."
"Come, Padawan. Your fall will be my ascension to the Sith."
―Anakin and Asajj Ventress

"I'm tired of all this. Our love should not be hidden like it's some kind of immoral thing!"
―Anakin to Padmé

"Impressive... most impressive."
―Anakin to C-3PO

Obi-Wan: "(by Hologram) Young one, the council requires your presence, immediately."
Anakin: "I'll be right there, master."
―Anakin and Obi-Wan

"If I'm late for another scolding, does it really matter?"
"Scolding? You're not a little boy any more. But as long as you're my student, you will heed my wisdom."
"You're right, I'm not a little boy. And as far as your wisdom is goes, you're no Qui-Gon Jinn!"
―Anakin and Obi-Wan

"Step forward, Padawan. Anakin Skywalker, by the right of the Council, by the will of the Force, dub thee I do… Jedi… Knight of the Republic."
―Yoda

"I'm sorry, master. You were right. It was a trap, laid out by the Sith, and I ran headlong into it... but I emerged victorious!"
―Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi

"He is a cunning warrior, and our best pilot."
―Kit Fisto

"He is reckless with his gifts."
―Adi Gallia

"In this time of need, why do we hold back the chosen one?"
"Whether or not he is the chosen one is still to be determined."
―Ki-Adi Mundi and Mace Windu

Anakin: "Master, I haven't always been a patient student, but I am a Jedi Knight. I won't fail you."
Obi-Wan: "No, Anakin... Don't fail yourself."
―Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi

Edit Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
"This is where the fun begins!"
―Anakin

"What was that all about?"
"Well Artoo has been..."
"Ehhh no loose wire jokes."
"Did I say anything?"
"He's trying."
"I didn't say anything!"
―Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi Listen

"General Grievous, you're shorter than I expected."
―Anakin to Grievous

"We lost something."
―Anakin Skywalker piloting Invisible Hand when the rear half of the ship broke off.[

"I sense great fear in you, Skywalker. You have hate, you have anger, but you don’t use them."
―Dooku to Anakin

"And Anakin Skywalker... I was expecting someone with your reputation to be a little... older."
―Grievous

"I need your help, son. I want you to be the eyes, ears, and voice of the Republic. Anakin, I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council"
―Palpatine

"What?! How can you do this? This is outrageous, it's unfair... How can you be on the Council and not be a Master? "
―Anakin to Mace

" Forgive me, Master."
―Anakin to Mace

"Master, I've disappointed you. I have not been very appreciative of your training... I have been arrogant and I apologize... I've just been so frustrated with the Council."
―Anakin to Obi-Wan

"Obi-Wan, may the Force be with you."
―Anakin to Obi-Wan

"You are strong and wise, Anakin, and I am very proud of you. I have trained you since you were a small boy. I have taught you everything I know. And you have become a far greater Jedi than I could ever hope to be."
―Obi-Wan Kenobi

"Twisted by the dark side, young Skywalker has become. The boy you trained, gone he is... consumed by Darth Vader."
―Yoda

"He is in great danger."
"From the Sith?"
"From himself."
―Obi-Wan Kenobi and Padmé Amidala

"Something's happening. I'm not the Jedi I should be. I want more. But I know I shouldn't."
―Anakin to Padm

"What have I done?"
―Anakin after Palpatine kills Mace Windu
"From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!"
"Well then you are lost!"
―Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi towards the end of their duel on the planet of Mustafar

"I HATE YOU!!!"
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan Kenobi
"Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side, as you do."
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan Kenobi

"I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire!"
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan on Mustafar

"Don't make me kill you!"
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan on Mustafar

"If you're not with me, then you're my enemy!"
―Darth Vader to his former master on Mustafar before their lightsaber duel[src]
"You will try!"
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan on Mustafar

"This is the end for you, my master."
―Darth Vader to Obi-Wan

"Lord Vader. Can you hear me?"
"Yes, master."

―Darth Sidious and Darth Vader, when his transformation was completed.[src]
"Where is Padmé? Is she safe? Is she all right?"
―Darth Vader

I? I couldn't have! She was alive! I felt it!"
―Darth Vader

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"
―Darth Vader

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Two guys were playing golf when one sliced his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabbed an 8-iron and went down the embankment, and after searching a while found something shiny. As he got closer, he realized the shiny object was an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. The golfer called to his friend, “Hey, come here, I got big trouble down here.” The friend came running and yelled, “What’s the matter?” The golfer in the ravine shouted back, “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

A golfer’s ball landed on the green about two feet from the hole when a huge, mushroom-shaped cloud appeared in the background. “Go ahead and putt,” said the other. “It’ll be a few minutes before the shock wave reaches us.”

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?” The boy shook his head and answered, “Got any like a blank report card?”

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.” She did so, and after several minutes heard the watchman clomp down the stairs, saw him unlock one gate and then another, shut down the alarm system, and make his way through the revolving door. “Well, what do you want?” he asked. The blonde answered, “I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it for yourself.”
when the lady poked her head out he said, “Now may I speak to St. George?”

An amateur golfer was always cheating, never playing a straight game, until finally the pro walked up to him and said, “We’re going to play a round and I’m going to show you how to play this game. There will be absolutely no cheating.” The man looked disappointed but agreed. On the first tee, the pro decided to let the man go first so that he could keep an eye on him. The amateur sliced the ball, sending it through a couple of trees and bouncing it several times, when it finally came to a stop on the cart path. He reached down to move it off the path. The pro saw this and said, “Hey, wait a minute. You’ve got to play that ball where it stopped. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘play it where it lays’?” “But I can’t hit the ball on the cart path.” “Well, you have to,” said the pro, “it’s in the rule book.” The amateur thought for a minute, grabbed a club, and started his back swing. He scraped the club head across the pavement, sent sparks everywhere, and hit a beautiful shot that landed on the green two feet from the hole. The pro said, “Wow! That was a beautiful shot. What did you use?” The amateur replied, “Your four iron.”

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented by both of you with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, Attorney Smith, gave me $15,000. And you, Attorney Jones, gave me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Smith. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”

A Microsoft engineer quit and joined the Marines. At the rifle range he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target, but missed it completely each time. The engineer looked at his rifle, and then at the target, put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine: the trouble must be at your end!”

Two men went hunting and met a bear. One immediately stripped off his hunting boots and began to put on a pair of running shoes, whereupon the other laughed and said, “Ha, you think you can outrun that bear?” “I don’t need to,” responded the first one. “I just need to outrun you.”

A dog went into a pub and asked for a beer. The bartender said, “We don’t serve dogs in here,” and refused to give the beast a beer. The dog insisted, at which point the bartender took out a pistol and shot the dog in the foot. A week later, the dog returned, dressed in a cowboy hat, chaps, and other Western gear. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the guy who shot my paw.”

The famous movie director Cecil B. DeMille was directing one of his “cast-of-thousands” extravaganzas, and the time came to shoot the big action scene. He set up three camera stations, just to make sure that the effort went on film. Finally, at seven a.m. on the big day, he yelled, “Roll ‘em!,” and the action began. For ten hours, chariots raced, horses ran, soldiers fought, swords clashed, and thousands of extras did their thing. Finally, exhausted, he went to the first camera station to find the cameraman pounding his fists on the ground. “I can’t understand it,” he cried. “The lens cap got left on the whole time and we got nothing.” A little shaken, C.B. went to the second camera station to find the cameraman pounding his fists on the ground. “I can’t understand it,” he cried. “There was no film in the camera the whole time and we got nothing.” Upset now, C.B. thought at least he had the third man for backup, and went to his position. The cameraman greeted him jovially and called out, “Anytime you’re ready, C.B.!”

A teenager got a job in a supermarket, and one day a man came in and wanted to buy half a grapefruit. “I don’t think we can sell half a grapefruit,” said the kid, “but I’ll ask my boss.” He walked over to the boss and said, “Some idiot wants to buy half a grapefruit,” then noticed that the man had followed him over and heard the comment. “And this fine gentleman,“ he added, “would like to buy the other half.”

A woman was washing outside windows on the third floor of her apartment and lost her grip, falling into a garbage can below. Two recent immigrants walked by later, and one said to the other, “Americans are very wasteful. That woman is good for many years yet.”

An airplane flying over the Atlantic lost one of its four engines, and the pilot came on to reassure the passengers. “Nothing to fear,” he said, “we’ll just be half an hour late arriving in New York.” A while later, another engine was lost. “Nothing to fear,” said the pilot again, “we’ll be an hour late now but we’re still safe.” Later, a third engine went out, and the pilot informed the passengers that arrival time would now be two hours late. One of the passengers turned to his seatmate and said, “If that last engine goes, we’ll be up here forever!”

During the second world war, a man left a defense plant every night with a wheelbarrow full of sand. The security guard went through the sand each time, looking for contraband, but found nothing. Then, many years after the war was over, the guard and the worker happened to meet in a bar, and, after a few drinks, the guard asked, “What were you stealing, anyway?” “Wheelbarrows!”

A man went into a pub and saw a dog sitting at a table playing poker with three men. “Can that dog really read cards?” he asked one of the men. “Yes, but he’s not much of a player,“ was the reply. “Whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

A man went to visit his son in college, but got held up in traffic and didn’t reach the campus until two o’clock in the morning. He located the son’s fraternity house, which was all dark, and knocked on the door. “Who’s there?” asked a voice from inside. “Does Joe Jones live here?” asked the man. “Yeah,” came the voice, “just bring him in!”

An old man went to a funeral at a funeral parlor and after the service, lingered behind and fell into conversation with the undertaker. After a bit, the undertaker asked how old he was. “Ninety-seven,” was the reply. “Hardly worth it for you to go home, is it?” asked the undertaker.

Two golfers were on the links, and one of them kept missing the ball, slicing, hooking, doing something wrong every time. The other yelled at him to “Keep your head down, keep your head down.” Each time the first golfer lost a stroke the other would say, “Keep your head down.” Finally the man got so disgusted that he announced he would jump into the water hazard and drown. “You’ll never drown,” said the other. “You can’t keep your head down!”

A man telephoned a friend and reached the friend’s six-year-old daughter. “Is your daddy home?” he asked. “Yes,” the little girl said, in a whisper. “Can I talk to him?” “No.” “Can I talk to your mommy?” “No.” “Why not?” “They’re busy.” “How about your two older brothers?” “They’re busy.” “You mean to tell me that four people besides you are in the house and they’re all busy? What are they doing?” “Looking for me!”

A teenage boy had a speech impediment and couldn’t pronounce the letter R, so his mother took him to a speech therapist. The therapist gave him a sentence to practice on, “Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.” A week later the kid went back and the therapist asked him to repeat the sentence, to which the boy replied, “Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because he didn’t cook the bunny enough.”

A man in his mid-fifties went walking along a road and heard a small voice call out, “Can you help me?” It turned out to be a talking frog, who explained, “I’ve been put under a spell but am really a beautiful woman. If you kiss me, I’ll return to my real self and will please you in every way.” The man picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and continued walking. “Hey,” said the frog, “aren’t you going to kiss me?” “At my age,” said the man, “a talking frog is more interesting.”

Hollywood kid to classmate: “My father can beat up your father.” Classmate: “Are you kidding? My father is your father.”

A kindergarten teacher asked a pupil to draw a picture of a horse and cart, after which the kid handed in a drawing of a horse. “What about the cart?” asked the teacher. “Oh,” answered the child, “the horse will draw the cart.”

Four college students weren’t prepared for an exam, and decided to skip it and ask for a make-up exam, explaining to the professor that their car had a flat tire on the way to class that day. The professor agreed to a make-up, at which time he seated the four students in separate corners of the room and wrote one exam question on the chalkboard. The question was, “Which tire?”

A divorced woman with a ten-year-old son married a man who didn’t seem to like children too much. She had to be away for a week on a business trip, which meant that the boy would be alone with the man, and she was worried about a conflict. On her return, she asked the boy, “How did you get along with your new step-father?” “Great!” said the kid. “It was wonderful! Every day he took me swimming, out to the middle of the lake and I swam back.” “Isn’t that a long way to swim for a boy your age?” “Oh no,” said the boy. “The only hard part was getting out of the bag!”

A businessman who passed a mental hospital on his way to work used to stop every once in a while to watch one of the inmates going through the motions of winding up and pitching an imaginary ball. A friend asked the businessman what he found so interesting about the man’s performance. “Well,” came the answer, “if things keep going the way they are, I’ll be there some day catching for that guy, and I want to get on to his curves.”

Did you hear about the knight whose horse, the last one in the kingdom, lay down and died of exhaustion so he couldn’t get an important message to the king? The only thing the serfs could offer him was an old swayback dog, to which the knight responded, “I wouldn’t put a knight out on a dog like this!”

Quote from Abe Lincoln: “[Being president] is about as easy as shoveling fleas.”

A man finished a meal in a restaurant and said to the waiter, “I want to compliment you on your clean kitchen,” to which the waiter responded, “But you never saw the kitchen; how do you know it’s clean?” “It has to be,” replied the man, “everything tastes like soap.”

A horse went into a bar and the bartender asked, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

Two men were talking about the stock market and one said, “My grandfather was wiped out in the 1929 crash. Lost everything.” “Really?” said the other one. “Yep,” replied the first, “some guy jumped out of a building and landed on his pushcart.”

A man planning to marry for the second time confessed to his new fiancée that he was a golfaholic, thought about nothing but golf, lived golf constantly. The woman, also in a repentative mood, confessed that she used to be a hooker but had stopped doing it. “Well,” said the man, “that just proves that anyone can learn to become a better golfer!”Two men were talking about the stock market and one said, “My grandfather was wiped out in the 1929 crash. Lost everything.” “Really?” said the other one. “Yep,” replied the first, “some guy jumped out of a building and landed on his pushcart.”

A man planning to marry for the second time confessed to his new fiancée that he was a golfaholic, thought about nothing but golf, lived golf constantly. The woman, also in a repentative mood, confessed that she used to be a hooker but had stopped doing it. “Well,” said the man, “that just proves that anyone can learn to become a better golfer!”

A man came home to find his wife with bags packed and on her way to the airport, saying she was going to Las Vegas. “I just found out I can earn four hundred dollars a time for what I give you free,” she said. “Wait, I’m coming with you,“ said the man. “I want to see how you can live on eight hundred dollars a year!”

“Why did you marry your husband?” asked the neighborhood gossip. “You don’t seem to have too much in common.” “It was the old story of opposites attracting each other,” the woman explained. “I was pregnant and he wasn’t.”

Graffiti seen outside a magic shop: “All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

A man’s greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife “Mother of Six,” despite her continual objections. One night at a cocktail party, the man decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His irritated wife hollered back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, the man led the way into the den. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of his guests asked. “That’s the talking clock,” the man replied. “How does it work?” “Watch,” the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly someone on the other side of the den wall screamed, “Knock it off, jerk! It’s two a.m.!”

“Flight 1234,” the control tower advised, “turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.” “Roger,” the pilot responded, “but we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir,” the radar man replied, “have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?”

A man went to a dentist to have his upper plate repaired. The dentist commented that the plate was all corroded and rotted, and asked what the man had been eating. “My wife is crazy about hollandaise sauce,” he replied. “We have it all the time.“ “That could do it,” said the dentist. “Hollandaise is acidic and corrosive, but I’ll make the new plate out of chrome.” “Chrome?” asked the patient in disbelief. “Sure,” replied the dentist, “everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”

Years after giving up on motherhood, a 65-year-old woman had a baby with the help of a fertility specialist. All the relatives came to visit, but when they asked to see the baby, the mother held them off. Finally, after about an hour of this, the mother allowed that they could see the baby when it cried. “Why do we have to wait until she cries?” asked one. “Because,” answered the mother, “I forgot where I put her.”

A salesman had to leave the country on business and gave the job of keeping an eye on his wife to his best friend, leaving instructions to notify him immediately should anything out of the ordinary occur. After a week of no news, the businessman got an e-mail saying, “You said to notify you of any changes. The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show up yesterday.”

A sports writer went up to a trainer and asked, “You planning to race your horse today?” The trainer replied, “You bet I am, and I think I can beat him.”

An old man was on his death bed, breathing his last, when he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen. He loved chocolate chip cookies, and before he died he wanted one, so he painfully crawled out of bed and into the kitchen with all his remaining strength. He was about to grab a cookie when his wife slapped him with a spatula. “What’s that about?” he asked feebly, and his wife replied, “Those are for the funeral!”

An old guy was driving down the highway when his car phone rang. It was his wife, who said, “They just reported a car driving the wrong way on the Interstate,” she said. “Please be careful.” “Heck,” replied the man, “it’s not one car: there’s hundreds of them!”

Mohandas Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He alse ate very little, which him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

A duck went into a drugstore to buy some lip gloss. “Will that be cash or charge?” asked the pharmacist. “Neither,” replied the duck, “just put it on my bill.”

A professor went into a drugstore and asked for some acetylsalicylic acid. “Do you mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist. “That’s right,” replied the professor. “I can never remember that word.”

Two guys were out chopping wood when one of them cut his arm off. The other packed the arm in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, “You’re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the arm in four hours. Come back then.” The guy came back to find his friend throwing darts with the reattached arm. A few months later, the guys were out chopping wood again when one of them cut his leg off. The other packed the leg in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, “You’re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the arm in six hours. Come back then.” The guy came back to find his friend kicking soccer balls with the reattached leg. Still later, the guys were out chopping wood again when one of them cut his head off. The other packed the head in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, “You’re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the head in twelve hours. Come back then.” The guy came back, but the doctor said, “I’m sorry, but your friend is dead. He suffocated in the plastic bag!”

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde said, “Here, let me see!” looked in the mirror and said, “You dummy, it’s me!”

A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead. The blonde opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she did so was overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. The boyfriend; yelled, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replied, “Shut up, you’re next!”

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend said, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

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1. "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast." --an angry McCain aide describing Palin's $150,000 shopping spree (Source)

2. "She is a diva. She takes no advice from anyone. She does not have any relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else. Also, she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader of the party. Remember: Divas trust only unto themselves, as they see themselves as the beginning and end of all wisdom." ―an anonymous McCain adviser complaining to CNN about Palin going off-script

3. "A whack job." ―a top McCain adviser describing Palin, one-upping the McCain adviser who called her a "diva"

4. "I can see Russia from my house!" ―Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live

5. "When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa." ―Jon Stewart, on claims that Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience

6. "The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick, Prada shoes, a Gucci handbag, and a few $3,000 suits" ―from David Letterman's "Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses for Spending $150,000 on Clothes"

7. "She's not prepared to be governor. How can she be prepared to be vice president or president? Look at what she's done to this state. What would she do to the nation?" ―Alaska State Senate President Lyda Green, who is a Republican

8. "She said that small towns, that's the part of the country she really likes going to because that's the pro-America part of the country. You know, I just want to say to her, just very quickly: F**k you." ―Jon Stewart, speaking about Palin to a college audience in Boston

9. "According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Gov. Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." ―Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

10. "I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two
unwilling teenagers." ―Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin in the VP debate

11. "Sarah Palin was asked a question by a third grader and she got it
wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president
does ... She says he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You
know I would never accuse George Bush of being a bright man, but when
he was elected, at least he knew which building to show up to." ―Bill Maher

12. [Sarah Palin] represents a fatal cancer to the Republican
party." ―conservative columnist David Brooks (Source)

13. "[McCain] knows, in his gut, that he put somebody unqualified on the ballot.
He knows that in his gut, and when this race is over that is something he will
have to live with... He put somebody unqualified on that ballot and he put
the country at risk, he knows that." ―Matthew Dowd, former chief strategist
for President Bush's 2004 reelection campaign (Source)

14. Alec Baldwin, "mistaking" Sarah Palin for Tina Fey on Saturday Night
Live during a conversation with SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels:
"Lorne, I need to talk to you. You can't let Tina go out there with that
woman. She goes against everything we stand for. I mean, good Lord, Lorne,
they call her... what's that name they call her? Cari... Cari... What do they call
her again, Tina?"

Sarah Palin: "That'd be Caribou Barbie."

Baldwin: "Caribou Barbie. Thank you, Tina. I mean, this is the most
important election in our nation's history. And you want her -- our Tina --
to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman. What do you have
to say for yourself?"

15. "It's like a really bad Disney movie. The hockey mom, you know, 'oh, I'm
just a hockey mom'... and she's facing down President Putin... It's totally
absurd... it's a really terrifying possibility... I need to know if she really thinks
that dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago. I want to know that, I really do.
Because she's gonna have the nuclear codes." - ―actor Matt Damon

"Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson

"It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya." —Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin complaining that a reporter asked her a “gotcha” question about Paul Revere (the question was "What have you seen so far today, and what are you going to take away from your visit?")

"Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, 'Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'" –Jay Leno

"There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On
one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on
for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her
called 'The Undefeated.' That's like a documentary about Arnold
Schwarzenegger called 'The Faithful.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin's political life. In
case you're interested in watching a movie that's longer than Palin's actual
political life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing February be a Palin-free month. You know a better month? November 2012." —Jay Leno

"We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal." —Bill Maher

"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the
media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,'
which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if
I thought she knew that." —Seth Meyers

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for
several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the
equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama
is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government
shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to
do." —David Letterman

"A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39
percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could
get Barack Obama elected twice." —Jay Leno

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have
to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's
the one in the south, right?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry
today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence,
they might take it back." –Jay Leno

"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists
are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah
Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon

"Palin's book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-
up words." –Jimmy Fallon

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristo
l Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in
votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever
be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be
the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best
to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien

"While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also plugged her
upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you haven't seen it, the entire
show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror." –Seth Meyers

"On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me
'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit." –Tina Fey, in an appearance
on David Letterman

"Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that
she can't even make up words to express how thrilled she is." -David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not
like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and
she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences.
That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States,
she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" -Jimmy Kimmel

"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia." --David Letterman

"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman

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“I stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem.”
― Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber

“I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to
mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as
Opal.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox

“I can not travel into my past,
without consent of the future me.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

“The first thing we should do in order to grasp the realm of time travel is by redefining
general perception and common concepts regarding time within our daily language structure.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

“Nothing could go wrong because nothing had...I meant "nothing would." No -
Then I quit trying to phrase it, realizing that if time travel ever became
widespread, English grammar was going to have to add a whole new set of tenses
to describe reflexive situations - conjugations that would make the French
literary tenses and the Latin historical tenses look simple.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, The Door into Summer

“A mathematician makes plans to travel backwards in time through a wormhole to
a parallel universe when he can't even make it to Mars with the fastest rocket
on hand today.”
― Bill Gaede

“Ach, wie ich sie umfing, wie ich in ihre Arme stürzte, mit welch verzweiflungsvoller Inbrunst ich in ihrem Fleisch wühlte, als könnte ich in ihrem Leibe das Geheimnis ihrer Seele schlürfen.”
― Oswald Levett,

“War between free-will and predestination
makes the idea of time travel is still too difficult to
digest.” ― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient
Astronaut

“When the time travel is eventually doable technologically,
yesterday was dead a man who is going to be born tomorrow.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

“I tell you all the time, you will never be able to replace me with a brass and
steam contraption.” - Charlotte - As Timeless As Stone”
― Maeve Alpin, As Timeless As Stone

“Gentle he would be, denied he would not.”
― Diana Gabaldon, Outlander

“That's just how time travel looks like to the untrained eye. The reason why
there aren't more travelers is that your average physicist refuses to be eaten by
a giraffe in the name of science.”
― Bradley Sands, It Came from Below the Belt

The universe just doesn't put up with that. We aren't important enough. No one
is. Even in our own lives. We're not strong enough, willful enough, skilled
enough in chronodiegetic manipulation to be able to just accidentally change
the entire course of anything, even ourselves.”
― Charles Yu, How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe

“This is what I say: I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is, you don't have to worry, you can't change the past.

The bad news is, you don't have to worry, no matter how hard you try, you can't change the past.

“If I could somehow know the future,
then now should not be like this time.”
― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut
t

“He holds her with the strength of a million-man army, but with all the
tenderness of her heart lying naked in the palms of his hands.”
― Laura Kreitzer, Phantom Universe
t

“Without unscrambled eggs, there was no time travel, no more depredation of
the Now, and we could look to a brighter future of long-term thought--and
more reading.”
― Jasper Fforde, First Among Sequels

“If you see an antimatter version of yourself running towards you, think twice before embracing.”
― J. Richard Gott III, Time Travel in Einstein's Universe: The Physical Possibilities

“Time travel..will never be impossible forever.”
― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident

“Ich wollte meine Augen öffnen, um Gideon ein letztes Mal anzusehen, aber
ich schaffte es nicht. "Ich liebe dich, Gwenny, bitte verlass mich nicht",
sagte Gideon, und das war das letzte, was ich hörte, bevor ich von einem
großen Nichts verschluckt wurde.”
― Kerstin Gier, Smaragdgrün

“I'll just tell you what I remember because memory is as close as I've gotten
to building my own time machine.”
― Samantha Hunt, The Invention of Everything Else

“I raise my head and see a red illuminated EXIT sign and as my eyes adjust I
see tigers, cavemen with long spears, cavewomen wearing strategically
modest skins, wolfish dogs. My heart is racing and for a liquor-addled moment
I think Holy shit, I've gone all the way back to the Stone Age until I realize that
EXIT signs tend to congregate in the twentieth century.”
― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

“When I am out there, in time, I am inverted, changed into a desperate version
of myself. I become a thief, a vagrant, an animal who runs and hides. I startle
old women and amaze children. I am a trick, an illusion of the highest order,
so incredible that I am actually true." ~Henry DeTamble, a character,
p.3” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

“His older self had taught his younger self a language which the older self
knew because the younger self, after being taught, grew up to be the older self
and was, therefore, capable of teaching.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

“If the Universe came to an end every time there was some uncertainty about
what had happened in it, it would never have got beyond the first picosecond.
And many of course don't. It's like a human body, you see. A few cuts and
bruises here and there don't hurt it. Not even major surgery if it's done
properly. Paradoxes are just the scar tissue. Time and space heal themselves
up around them and people simply remember a version of events which makes
as much sense as they require it to make.”
― Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but
actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball
of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.”
― Steven Moffat

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What is al-Qaeda?
Al-Qaeda is an international terrorist network led by Osama bin Laden. It seeks
to rid Muslim countries of what it sees as the profane influence of the West
and replace their governments with fundamentalist Islamic regimes. After al-Qaeda’s September 11, 2001, attacks on America, the United States launched a
war in Afghanistan to destroy al-Qaeda’s bases there and overthrow the
Taliban, the country’s Muslim fundamentalist rulers who harbored bin Laden
and his followers. “Al-Qaeda” is Arabic for “the base.”

What are al-Qaeda’s origins?
Al-Qaeda grew out of the Services Office, a clearinghouse for the
international Muslim brigade opposed to the 1979 Soviet invasion of
Afghanistan. In the 1980s, the Services Office—run by bin Laden and the
Palestinian religious scholar Abdullah Azzam—recruited, trained, and
financed thousands of foreign mujahedeen, or holy warriors, from more than
50 countries. Bin Laden wanted these fighters to continue the “holy war”
beyond Afghanistan. He formed al-Qaeda around 1988.

Who are al-Qaeda’s leaders?
According to a 1998 federal indictment, al-Qaeda is administered by a
council that “discussed and approved major undertakings, including
terrorist operations.” At the top is bin Laden. Ayman al-Zawahiri, the head
of Egyptian Islamic Jihad, is thought to be bin Laden’s top lieutenant and
al-Qaeda’s ideological adviser. At least one senior al-Qaeda
commander, Muhammad Atef, died in the U.S. air strikes in Afghanistan,
and another top lieutenant, Abu Zubaydah, was captured in Pakistan in
March 2002. In March 2003, the alleged mastermind of the September
11 attacks, Khalid Shaikh Muhammad, and al-Qaeda’s treasurer, Mustafa
Ahmed al-Hawsawi, were also captured in
Pakistan.

Where does al-Qaeda operate?
We don’t know if it has a headquarters anymore. From 1991 to 1996,
al-Qaeda worked out of Sudan. From 1996 until the collapse of the Taliban in
2001, al-Qaeda operated out of Afghanistan and maintained its training
camps there. U.S. intelligence officials now think al-Qaeda’s senior leadership
is trying to regroup in lawless tribal regions just inside Pakistan, near the
Afghan border, or inside Pakistani cities. Al-Qaeda has autonomous
underground cells in some 100 countries, including the United States, officials
say. Law enforcement has broken up al-Qaeda cells in the United Kingdom,
the United States, Italy, France, Spain, Germany, Albania, Uganda, and
elsewhere.

How big is al-Qaeda?
It’s impossible to say precisely, because al-Qaeda is decentralized. Estimates
range from several hundred to several thousand members.

Is al-Qaeda connected to other terrorist organizations?
Yes. Among them:

Egyptian Islamic Jihad
Jamaat Islamiyya (Egypt)
The Libyan Islamic Fighting Group
Islamic Army of Aden (Yemen)
Lashkar-e-Taiba and Jaish-e-Muhammad (Kashmir)
Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan
Salafist Group for Call and Combat and the Armed Islamic Group (Algeria)
Abu Sayyaf Group (Malaysia, Philippines)
These groups share al-Qaeda’s Sunni Muslim fundamentalist views. Some
terror experts theorize that Al-Qaeda, after the loss of it Afghanistan base,
may be increasingly reliant on sympathetic affiliates to carry out it agenda. Intelligence officials and terrorism experts also say that al-Qaeda has stepped
up its cooperation on logistics and training with Hezbollah, a radical,
Iran-backed Lebanese militia drawn from the minority Shiite strain of
Islam.

What major attacks has al-Qaeda been responsible for?
The group has targeted American and other Western interests as well as Jewish targets and Muslim governments it saw as corrupt or impious — above all, the Saudi monarchy. Al-Qaeda linked attacks include:

The May 2003 car bomb attacks on three residential compounds in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
The November 2002 car bomb attack and a failed attempt to shoot down an Israeli jetliner with shoulder-fired missiles, both in Mombasa, Kenya
The October 2002 attack on a French tanker off the coast of Yemen Several spring 2002 bombings in Pakistan
The April 2002 explosion of a fuel tanker outside a synagogue in Tunisia
The September 11, 2001, hijacking attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon
The October 2000 U.S.S. Cole bombing
The August 1998 bombings of the U.S. embassies in Nairobi, Kenya, and Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Al-Qaeda is suspected of carrying out or directing sympathetic groups to carry out the May 2003 suicide attacks on Western interests in Casablanca, Morocco; the October 2002 nightclub bombing in Bali, Indonesia; and the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.

Plots linked to al-Qaeda that were disrupted or prevented include: a 2001
attempt by Richard Reid to explode a shoe bomb on a transatlantic flight; a
1999 plot to set off a bomb at Los Angeles International Airport; a 1995 plan
to blow up 12 transpacific flights of U.S. commercial airliners; a 1995 plan to
kill President Bill Clinton on a visit to the Philippines; and a 1994 plot to kill
Pope John Paul II during a visit to Manila.

How is al-Qaeda connected to the 1993 World Trade Center bombing?
There are strong links. Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman, the militant cleric convicted
in the 1993 plot, once led an Egyptian group now affiliated with al-Qaeda; two
of his sons are senior al-Qaeda officials. And Ramzi Ahmed Yousef, who
was convicted of masterminding the 1993 attack, planned al-Qaeda’s foiled
attack on American airliners over the Pacific Ocean. He is also the nephew of
the former senior al-Qaeda terrorist Khalid Shaikh Muhammad, who is now in U
.S. custody.

At the Al-Qaeda offices...

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Okay people, it's been a while since we've had a major terrorist action. As you can see on this Excel graph, Al-Qaeda Extremist Activity is down 13% from last quarter and 47% from last year.

Our stock is tumbling! Other Terrorist Organizations see this as an opportunity. Hamas, Inc. is plotting a Hostile Takeover of Al-Qaeda Hostilities. We're supposed to be the #1 supplier of global threats!

Do we really want to go back to a time of peace and prosperity?

That's what I thought.

Now I'll turn the meeting over to Senior Marketing Director, Khalid Muhammed Ali Abdul-Jabaar.

ABDUL-JABAAR: Let's bring it back to basics. We all remember the 4 P's of Marketing:

Product.

Price.

Place.

Pipe-Bombs.

While the Bush Administration has done a fantastic job of creating hatred for Americans across the globe, we cannot rely on his hand outs. We must do more ourselves.

We must be sure to increase despair and hopelessness in our target demographic: young, horny men.

Then with intense religious pressure forbidding them from sex, we will turn their sexual energy into pure anger and violence and direct it at America.

So we need to be sure that every young man in the world watches nothing but the American television programs "Yes, Dear" and "My Wife and Kids." Then we will have lines 10 miles long of people volunteering to be suicide bombers!

And onto more immediate news... this year's annual office holiday party will be in the Grand Hall of the Beirut Holiday Inn! We will celebrate the anti-Christmas!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: It's not just about anti-Christmas. We're down with the Jewish customs. Look, just today I was making plans to celebrate Ha-Nuke-Ah! Get it? Ha-NUKE-Ah! HA HA HA HA!

ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Oh shut, up.

*** AT THE AL-QAEDA HIRING OFFICE...

EXPENDABLE HUMAN RESOURCES: It was a pleasure meeting you for the position of suicide bomber, Mr. Khalid Ka-Boom. We like you so much, in addition to the normal salary of 72 virgins in Heaven, we are offering you a signing bonus of 5 extra-virgin virgins in Heaven!

MR. KHALID KA-BOOM: Oh thank you! Just one question, what is the health benefits package like?

EXPENDABLE HUMAN RESOURCES: Full coverage! You casket will be fully covered and closed. And your Dental Plan will ensure that all of your teeth are recovered from the explosion.

Your first assignment is to read this copy of "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Suicide-Bombers." But I'll give you the notes:

1) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

2) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

3) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

4) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

5) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

6) Proactively solve problems by leveraging synergistic relationships with a core competency focus to create a win-win.

7) Blow Yourself Up. Praise Allah!

ACCOUNTANT NOOMBA KA-RUNCH: Listen guys, I know we're all against this commercialism-imperialism thing, but the numbers don't lie.

Our financial sheet is looking bleak ever since the Americans froze our international assets. Would it kill anybody to put a Product Placement in the next Terror Threat Video Tape?

Osama, maybe while you are broadcasting from your cave, you can be holding a can of Pepsi? Or wearing an Exxon-Mobil cap?

*** AT THE AL-QAEDA HOLIDAY PARTY...

CAFETERIA WORKER AKBAR AL-SNACKBAR: Hey Boss! Great party! Wooooo! Down with the infidels! Wooo-hooo!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Have you been drinking? You know this is against our Islamic religious beliefs.

AKBAR AL-SNACKBAR: Drinking? No! Just enjoying the fruit of the land that Allah has provided us in Afghanistan -- poppy seeds – refined into pure heroin.

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE STEVE “FAST CARS” JOHNSON-MUHAMMED: Bin Laden, baby! Great fiesta, man. Way to rally the troops to a productive New Year! Hey buddy, I was thinking… if you really want to raise morale around here, you might consider raising the commission we get on our black market weapons sales. I mean, I got a family to feed. And I’m saving up for Little Stevie, Jr.’s college fund.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: I told you, we need to re-invest all our assets into the organization.

STEVE JOHNSON-MUHAMMED: I thought people were your greatest asset.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Only when they are exploding.

MOHAMMED MUHAMED MOHAMAD: Time to play "Beat the Pinata!"

JU-HHAYTA: What a great idea to make a pinata that looks like Santa Claus!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Beat his candy ass!

ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Oh shut, up.

ISHOT DA-SHAREEF: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: No! It's Santa Claus! The real Santa Claus!

ABDUL-JABAAR: That's very good, sir.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Oh shut, up!!!

SANTA CLAUS: So Osama, we meet again.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Hello.

SANTA CLAUS: Hello.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: How's Mrs. Claus?

SANTA CLAUS: Fine, thanks.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That's enough with the pleasantries! We're here to end this skit!

SANTA CLAUS: That's right, Osama! HogWild is really going no where with this!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That's enough with breaking the 4th wall! We're here to end our centuries-old feud!

SANTA CLAUS: Shall we flash back to the beginning of our rivalry?

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Flashback!!!!

*** YEAR 1082, IN THE GERMANY/AUSTRIA/TURKEY AREA ***

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN: Boys! Stop fighting! I love you both!

8 YEAR OLD SANTA: No! You love Osammy more!

8 YEAR OLD OSAMA BIN LADEN: No! You love Santa more!

UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN WHO WE NOW KNOW IS THEIR MOTHER: I love both of my prematurely bearded boys with funny hats the same.

NARRATOR: But the children kept fighting. So much so that their mother had no choice but to banish them from the house and send them far, far away.

She sent Santa to the coldest place on Earth... The North Pole. And Osama to the hottest place on Earth... the Playboy Mansion. But she realized this was inappropriate and sent him to Saudi Arabia instead.

Both boys felt tremendous shame. Santa decided to work off his guilty feelings by making and delivering presents to good behaving children all over the world. Except for the Muslim part of the world, because that's where his brother Osama lived...

Meanwhile Osama held onto the dark anger. He dedicated his life to destroying happy materialistic-loving people everywhere.

It was Destiny that one day the two estranged brothers would meet again for a final dramatic showdown...

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Now we settle our feud like 2 grown adults!

SANTA CLAUS: Yes! Beard Tugging!

Santa Claus grabs the bottom of Osama's beard and gives it a hard tug.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ow!!!

Osama grabs the bottom of Santa's beard and gives it a hard tug.

SANTA CLAUS: Owwwww!

Santa Claus grabs the bottom of Osama's beard and gives it a hard tug.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Owwww-eeeeee!

Osama grabs the bottom of Santa's beard and gives it a hard tug.

SANTA CLAUS: Yowwww!

NARRATOR: This Beard Tugging continues to this day. Sometimes... if you are very quiet... you can still hear the anguished screams of Santa and Osama as they battle for dominance... or is it really for their mother's affection? I don't really know. I'm a narrator, not a psychologist.

This is the part where we fade to black as you can still hear their beard-tugging screams as we move farther and farther away. I will represent is like this...

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ooooooh!

SANTA CLAUS: Aaaaaaaaaah!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ooooooh!

SANTA CLAUS: Aaaaaaaaaah!

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Ooooooh!

SANTA CLAUS: Aaaaaaaaaah!

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." —Conan O'Brien

"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." —David Letterman

"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" —Conan O'Brien

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." —Craig Ferguson

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." —David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" —Craig Ferguson

Originally Posted By: Frank Burns

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." —Conan O'Brien

$\:lol\:$

2011 - Riots in Bharatpur, Rajasthan, India, at least 9 killed, over a dozen injured.

2011 - Riots in Nablus, West Bank, 1 killed.
2011 - Riots in Katunitsa, Bulgaria, 2 dead, at least 6 injured in ethnic clashes.

2011 - Riots in Dakhla, Western Sahara, Morroco, 7

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, 3 killed and more than 1000 injured in anti-Israel protests.

2011 - Riots in Ambon, Indonesia, 5 dead and 80 injured in clashes between Christians and Muslims.

2011 - Riots in Paramakudi, Tamil Nadu, India, 7 killed.

2011 - Riots in Ujjain, India, 2 killed and 16 injured in a religious riot.

2011 - Riots in Mogadishu, Somalia, at least 10 killed.

2011 - Riots in Chile, scores of demonstrators and police injured, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Hakkari province, Turkey, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Jos, Nigeria, at least 22 killed.

2011 - Riots in Sbeitla, Tunisia, 4 injured, 1 teenage girl killed.[

2011 - Riots in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, 17 people killed in a prison riot.

2011 - Riots in Papua, Indonesia, 18 killed in rioting between rival clans.

2011 - Riots in Qalad District, Zabul province, Afghanistan, at least 4 killed.

2011 - Riots in Pimpri-Chinchwad, India, 3 killed.

2011 - Riots in London which spread to other cities in England, over a hundred injured and 5 killed.

2011 - Riot in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, 7 killed in a prison riot.

2011 - Riot in Hotan, China, 4 killed.

2011 - Riots in Homs, Syria, at least 30 killed in sectarian violence.

2011 - Riots in Sidi Bouzid, Tunisia, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Malawi, at least 18 killed.

2011 - Riots in Dadaab, Kenya, 2 killed and 13 injured.

2011 - Riots in Karachi, Pakistan, at least 114 killed, including violence a week prior.

2011 - Riots in Ganjam, Orissa, India, at least 2 killed.

2011 - Riot in Karaganda, Kazakhstan, at least 7 killed in a prison riot.

2011 - Riots in Belfast, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom, 2 injured.
2011 - Riots in Huancavelica, Peru, 3 killed and more than 30 injured.
2011 - Riots in Guwahati, Assam, India, 2 killed and at least 30 injured.[207
2011 - Riots in Juliaca, Puno Region, Peru, at least 5 killed and 30 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Mogadishu, Somalia, 2 killed.

2011 - Riots in El Rodeo I prison, Caracas, Venezuela, 19 killed.

2011 - Riots in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada after the Vancouver Canucks lost to the Boston Bruins in the Stanley Cup.

2011 - Riots in Tripoli, Lebanon, at least 4 killed and at least 48 people wounded.[

2011 - Riots in Choucha refugee camp, Tunisia, at least 2 killed.
2011 - Riots in Sri Lanka, 1 killed, at least 200 wounded.
2011 - Riots in Greater Noida, Uttar Pradesh, India, 4 killed.
2011 - Riots in Metlaoui, Tunisia, 3 dead and 90 wounded.

2011 - Riots on Israel's borders, at least 12 killed and dozens injured.

2011 - Riots in West Bengal, India, at least 8 people killed in post-election violence.

2011 - Riots in Taloqan, Takhar province, Afghanistan, at least 12 killed and 80 injured.

2011 - Riots in Tbilisi, Georgia, 2 killed, 20 injured.[

2011 - Riots in Nigeria, at least 500 killed in post-election rioting.

2011 - Riots in Kampala, Uganda, at least 5 dead and 100 injured.

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, between Muslims and Christians, 12 dead.

2011 - Riots in Hesarak District, Nangarhar province, Afghanistan, 1 killed, 3 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Jaitapur, Maharashtra, India, 1 killed, more than 50 injured.

2011 - Riots in Diyarbakir, Turkey, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Dakar, Senegal.

2011 - Riots in Tyre, Lebanon, 2 killed.

2011 - Riots in Mansa, Luapula Province, Zambia, 3 people were burned to death.

2011 - Prison riot in Rumieh prison, Lebanon, 2 dead.

2011 - Riot in Parwan province, Afghanistan, 1 killed.

2011 - Riots in Uganda, at least 3 killed.

2011 - Riots in Yemen, more than 100 people have died in two months of protests.

2011 - Riots in Nigeria, at least 70 people have been killed.

2011 - Riots in Mazar-e Sharif and Kandahar, Afghanistan, at least 13 people have been killed.

2011 - Riots in Jessore, Bangladesh, 1 dead and at least 30 others injured.

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, 2 killed and at least 15 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Syria, at least 60 killed.

2011 - Riots in Sanaa, Yemen, 42 people had died and at least 300 were injured according to doctors.

2011 - Prison Riot in Hyderabad, Pakistan, 7 dead.

2011 - Riot in London, around 250 thousand people, initially a small protest.

2011 - Miners riot in Peru, at least 2 killed.

2011 - Riots in Cairo, Egypt, between Muslims and Christians, at least 13 people died and 140 were injured.

2011 - Riot in Kissidougou, Guinea, at least 3 dead.

2011 - Prison riot in Tikrit, Iraq, 2 dead, 14 wounded.

2011 - Riots in Libya, at least 24 people killed.

2011 - Riots in Iraq, at least 13 killed.

2011 - Riots in Yemen, 24 killed.

2011 - Riots in Tunis, Tunisia, 3 killed.

2011 - Religious riot in Banten, Indonesia, at least 6 killed.

2011 - Riots in Manama, Bahrain, at least 10 killed, 92 civilians, 50 security forces injured.

2011 - Riots in Sulaimaniya, Iraqi Kurdistan, two killed.

2011 - Riots in Al Hoceima, Morroco, 5 killed.

2011 - Riots in Lebanon, following the fall of Saad Hariri's government.

2011 - Riots in Egypt, at least 846 killed.

2011 - Riots in Tafawa Balewa, Nigeria, 4 killed.

2011 - Prison riot in Sao Luis, Brazil, 6 dead.[

2011 - Riots in Algeria, 2 dead and four hundred people injured in riots linked to food price increases and unemployment.

2011 - Riots in Tunisia, at least 219 killed.

2011 - Riots in Jos, Nigeria, more than 30 people dead.

2011 - Riots in Tirana, Albania, 3 killed, 17 policemen and soldiers were injured, including three seriously, along with 22 civilians.

2011 - Riots in Assam, Meghalaya, Northeast India, 4 dead.

2011 - Riots in Arusha, Tanzania, 2 dead and nine people injured.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown

She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. ~Conan O'Brien, 2003

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault, http://www.robertbrault.com

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more? ~Chris Rock

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault, http://www.robertbrault.com

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling. ~Robert Brault, http://www.robertbrault.com

Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? ~Tom Waits, "Mr Siegal," Heartattack and Vine

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. ~Author Unknown

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ~Jack Handey

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I was a really simple, easy, good girl back then. I had good grades and a boyfriend. I never fought with girls in high school, and rumors weren't spread. There are plastic surgery rumors now, like how I have a fake butt, boobs, and eyes.
Kim Kardashian quotes

All I do is sign boobs and be taking pics. Got the new benz the color of bacon bits.
Nicki Minaj quotes

What all the ads and all the whoreoscopes seemed to imply was that if only you were narcissistic enough, if only you took proper care of your smells, your hair, your boobs, your eyelashes, your armpits, your crotch, your stars, your scars, and your choice of Scotch in bars--you would meet a beautiful, powerful, potent, and rich man who would satisfy every longing, fill every hole, make your heart skip a beat (or stand still), make you misty, and fly you to the moon (preferably on gossamer wings), where you would live totally satisfied forever.
Erica Jong quotes

At school my boobs were bigger than all my friends' and I was afraid to show them. Now, I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory.
Jessica Simpson

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
Unknown

Those women are just insecure, but they'll turn round to me and say 'you're just jealous 'cos you want a tan and you want big boobs, stupid boy-looking girl'. You can't win, they wouldn't believe me for a second.
La Roux

My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that. And they're ridiculous. Sam
ICarly quotes

Besides my big boobs, it is probably my hourglass shape that is my best feature. I play off of that a lot. I like that I have a lot on top and a lot on the bottom.
Katy Perry

Wow my sister has changed. She used to whip her boobs out for no reason. Now she does it to feed her child.
Khloe Kardashian

There are three things pageant women do. There`s the Vaseline thing, which I didn`t do. There`s duct-taping your boobs, which I never did because I`m not into pain. The third thing is using athletic spray adhesive on your butt to keep your swimsuit in place. I did do that. So one out of three ain`t bad.
Jeri Ryan

Okay, I am all for boob jobs, but when I see those, I want to "moo." -Mona

Being a girl relly sucks i would rather be a guy, i love to be outside and hang in the woods, I dont even want to have sex ever, it grosses me out i hve been in plenty relationships with men but i dont wanna have my period nd i hate having boobs and having to do my hair all of the time
Unknown

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
Unknown

Not much has been written about the Nereids of modern Greece. Wherever there is a warm, healing stream they believe that it flows from the breasts of the Nereids.
James Theodore Bent

Oh, the most fun thing I've ever been asked to autograph was breasts.
Peter Tork

Men are hung up on breasts. They're looking at the titty dinner. It's pathetic.
Betty Dodson

Nature that framed us of four elements, warring within our breasts for regiment, doth teach us all to have aspiring minds.
Niccolo Machiavelli

It's my body. And I like my body. And I like my breasts. And no, they're not fake.
Lindsay Lohan

May I say, if you were suddenly put into a woman's body, wouldn't you be slightly interested in your breasts, and why people look at certain parts of you, and why certain parts move like they do?
Kristen Johnston

If you're asking if my breasts are natural, yes, this is how I've looked since I was 13 years old.
Sofia Vergara

In my first movie, That Night, with Juliette Lewis, I had a scene with two other girls where we applied a cream to our chests to make our breasts grow. I was 10.
Eliza Dushku

I'd definitely pose nude again. No qualms. I actually had my breasts done again. Just updated, like new tires.
Jessica Hahn

I've had the same breasts for my entire adult life.
Sharon Stone

I don't want to discuss my breasts with the whole world!
Brooke Burke

I think the quality of sexiness comes from within. It is something that is in you or it isn't and it really doesn't have much to do with breasts or thighs or the pout of your lips.
Sophia Loren

Every four weeks I go up a bra size... it's worth being pregnant just for the breasts.
Natasha Hamilton

Felicity, the companion of content, is rather found in our own breasts than in the enjoyment of external things; and I firmly believe it requires but a little philosophy to make a man happy in whatever state he is.
Daniel Boone

By the God of thy Father who shall help thee, and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts and of the womb.
John Pearson

American men, as a group, seem to be interested in only two things, money and breasts. It seems a very narrow outlook.
Hedy Lamarr

Anger may be kindled in the noblest breasts: but in these slow droppings of an unforgiving temper never takes the shape of consistency of enduring hatred.
M. Kathleen Casey

B is for Breasts Of which ladies have two; Once prized for the function, Now for the view.
Robert Paul Smith

Breasts and bottoms look boringly alike. Faces, though, can be quite different and a damn sight more interesting!
Lee Remick

Good choice putting $4,000 rims on your 1998 Honda Civic. That's like Betty White going out and getting her tits done.
Unknown quotes

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
Louis CK quotes

Theres one image in my life that consistently makes me happy, no matter when I think about it, and that image, that one image is your big tits.
Kenny Powers

They grew really quickly. One minute I didn't have any tits and the next I had the biggest tits in the world.
Tracey Emin

About: Tits quotes

Dolla, Dolla, ought to promise more of tomorrow then momentary holigrams fix-fix, candy coated excess fit for nothing better than misinterpreted nitwits to spend a dolla on tits tipping the game to play another hit or flip the stakes higher. Add a bill to the tab please sire for, we admire dolla, dolla, style. Theres a urgency for currency to be spent, I want it now! The deals not enough, Ima consumer bloomer congruent to all out, union of moving into the fall route. Split between a poor-trait and a rich pinch of which pretty penny makes intense sense, since Im looking for the seat of success in my 2 cents to a differ-rinse in washing the brain to sustain rent, clothes, and what it all meant before the dolla, dolla, holla, holla, blue collar rocwila taught you how to be a scholar working at McDonalds parlor top it off with fries. Electric shock the man with no dolla dies.
Dolla quotes

Why do people stop developing?...from being children to maybe stopping at a very adolescent age, and they stay there until they die. Physically die. I mean, they react adolescently. They don't change. They don't develop. They don'tit's that continual read, that process which is is the total threat for the ego.
Edie Sedgwick

I'm steady starin' at your sister, I'll tell you this, you know for only 13 she got some big tits!
Insane Clown Posse

In China, you can major in Bra Studies

In Hong Kong, you can get a degree in Bra Studies from the Hong Kong Polytechnic University where they teach you how to design and build a bra. Recently, the students exhibited their designs at the ACE Style Institute of Intimate Apparel at the ITC Resource Centre

Breasts implants are the number one cosmetic surgery in the US

Two million women in the United States have breast implants. It's number one cosmetic procedure requested by women, topping rhinoplasty and liposuction. The average age at which a woman gets implants is thirty-four.

Breasts implants can also save you from death

Big breasts miraculously saved an Israeli woman from death at the hands of a Lebanese paramilitary organization. The incident occurred during a Hezbollah rocket attack. The victim got a boob job two years ago. During the war, she was wounded in the chest by shrapnel but survived because of her implants. While the patient is fine, the implant, unfortunately, did not survive.

Breasts augmentation may lead to suicide

Women who get breast implants are at least three times more likely to commit suicide, a risk that increases with time. As the August 2007 Annals of Plastic Surgery reported, it's unlikely that silicone toxicity causes the correlation. It's more probable that women who undergo breast augmentation are more apt to have an underlying psychiatric problem that predisposes them to suicide.

Breasts get fat

In your 20s, your boobs are made up of fat, milk glands and collagen -- the connective tissue that keeps them firm. But as you age, the glands and collagen shrink and are replaced by more and more fat. Instead of making your bra size go up, however, the added flab can send breasts down, closer to the floor, if you catch our drift.

The average breast weighs one pound

The average breast weighs about 0.5 kilograms (1.1 lb). Each breast contributes to about 4-5% of the body fat and thus 1% of the total body weight of an average woman. (Link)

England is the country with biggest breasts in Europe

A survey made by bra maker Triumph found that British women have the biggest boobs in Europe. More than half of women in that country wear a size D cup. Denmark scored second while Holland was third. On the other hand, Italian women had the smallest breasts where 68 percent had a size B.

The left breast is usually larger

No two breasts are exactly the same size, and it is usually your left breast that is bigger than the right side. However, often the difference is so slight you'd never notice they are of different sizes. Nipples also come in varying sizes, not only that, they also point in different directions.

Originally Posted By: Frank Burns

There are three things pageant women do. There`s the Vaseline thing, which I didn`t do. There`s duct-taping your boobs, which I never did because I`m not into pain. The third thing is using athletic spray adhesive on your butt to keep your swimsuit in place. I did do that. So one out of three ain`t bad.
Jeri Ryan

Please explain the Vaseline thing.

Muammar Gaddafi was the Arab world's longest serving leader. With no official government function, he was known as the 'Brother Leader and Guide of the Revolution.'

Gaddafi
* Born to a Bedouin herdsman in 1942 in a tent near Sirte on the Mediterranean. Abandoned university geography studies for a military career that included a short spell at a British army signals school. He seized power in a coup in 1969.

Gaddafi

* Embraced the pan-Arabism of the late Egyptian leader Gamal Abdel Nasser and tried without success to merge Libya, Egypt and Syria into a federation. A similar attempt to join Libya and Tunisia ended in acrimony.

Gaddafi
* In 1977 he changed the country's name to the Great Socialist Popular Libyan Arab Jamahiriyah (State of the Masses) and allowed people to air their views at people's congresses.

Gaddafi
* US warplanes bombed Libya in response to the bombing of a Berlin disco used by US soldiers.

Gaddafi
* UN sanctions, imposed in 1992 to pressure Tripoli to hand over two Libyan suspects for trial for the 1988 Lockerbie airliner bombing over Scotland, crippled oil-rich Libya's economy, dampened Gaddafi's revolutionary spirit and took the sting out of his anti-capitalist, anti-Western rhetoric.

* Gaddafi, shunned internationally for much of his rule because the West accused him of terrorism, abandoned his program of prohibited weapons in 2003 to return Libya into international mainstream politics.

Gaddafi
* In September 2004, US President George W. Bush formally ended a U.S. trade embargo as a result of Gaddafi's scrapping of the arms program and taking responsibility for Lockerbie.

* In August 2006, Gaddafi made a series of speeches scolding his nation for over-reliance on petroleum, foreigners and imports and telling them to start making things people need.

* His showmanship is most on display on foreign visits when he sleeps in a Bedouin tent guarded by dozens of female bodyguards. During a visit to Italy in August 2010, Gaddafi's invitation to hundreds of young women to convert to Islam overshadowed the two-day trip, which was intended to cement the growing ties between Tripoli and Rome.

Gaddafi
* Five months into a conflict that has embroiled NATO and become the bloodiest of the "Arab Spring" uprisings, there has been a flurry of reports about talks on Gaddafi stepping down in exchange for security guarantees.

* NATO launched its bombing campaign in March after the United Nations Security Council authorized the use of all necessary means to protect civilians who, inspired by revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt, rose up against Gaddafi last February.

* Gaddafi says the rebels are armed criminals and al Qaeda militants. He has called the NATO operation an act of colonial aggression aimed at stealing Libyan oil.

Muammar Gaddafi was killed after being captured by the Libyan fighters he once scorned as "rats," cornered and shot in the head after they overrun his last bastion of resistance in his hometown of Sirte.

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

15. The captain of the squad is solely responsible for the grooming and trimming of Muammar’s ’70s-era porn actor ‘stache.

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

14. Turn-over is rapid in the Virgin Bodyguard Squad, especially after those late-night drinking binges at Muammar’s palace.

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

13. Last year, a group of Virgin Assassins attempted to kill Gaddafi, but the Virgin Bodyguard Squad gave each assassin an atomic wedgie, defusing the hostile situation.

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

12. One of the oldest members of the Virgin Bodyguards was tossed out of the squad recently when it was discovered that she was a virgin because she was just really ugly.

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

11. All Virgin Bodyguard Squad members must complete rigorous training in Jiu-Jitsu, Tang Soo Do, Judo and lap dancing.

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

9. Particularly good virgin bodyguards are kept on the team even after being labeled “virgin-ish.”

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

8. The phrase “Look at the bazookas on that one” has multiple meanings in Gaddafi’s inner circle.

7. The prize for winning Guard of the Month is two nights with Muammar (the losers get three nights).

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

6. Transsexuals DO have a place in Islam!

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

5. The mandatory midnight pillow fights frequently end up in the E.R.

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

4. Rule #28 of the Guard Code requires that each virgin must have the ability to touch her nose with her tongue.

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

3. Those aren’t DD breasts, it’s body armor

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

2. During a recent Scrabble game, the Virgins discovered a previously-unknown 15th way to spell “Gaddafi.”

Gaddafi's vaunted Virgin Bodyguard Squad

1. They are ALL liars.

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M*A*S*H is an American television series developed by Larry Gelbart, adapted from the 1970 feature film MASH (which was itself based on the 1968 novel MASH: A Novel About Three Army Doctors, by Richard Hooker). The series is a medical drama/black comedy that was produced in association with 20th Century Fox Television for CBS. It follows a team of doctors and support staff stationed at the "4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital" in Uijeongbu, South Korea, during the Korean War. M*A*S*H's title sequence featured an instrumental version of the song "Suicide Is Painless", which also appears in the original film. The show was created after an attempt to film the original book's sequel, M*A*S*H Goes to Maine, failed. It is the most well known version of the M*A*S*H works.
The series premiered in the US on September 17, 1972, and ended February 28, 1983, with the finale becoming the most watched television episode in U.S. television history at the time, with 105.97 million viewers[1] (though one estimate said 125 million viewers. Despite the high turnout for the final episode of M*A*S*H, it struggled in its first season and was at risk of being canceled.[3] However, season two of M*A*S*H placed it in a better time slot (airing after the popular All in the Family) and the show became one of the top ten programs of the year and stayed in the top twenty programs for the rest of its eleven-season run. The show is still broadcast in syndication on various television stations. The series, which covered a three-year military conflict, spanned 251 episodes and lasted eleven seasons.

M*A*S*H

Many of the stories in the early seasons are based on real-life tales told by real MASH surgeons who were interviewed by the production team. Like the movie, the series was as much an allegory about the Vietnam War (still in progress when the show began) as it was about the Korean War.[4] It took a number of minor creative liberties with the facts of the Korean War.

M*A*S*H

In 1997, the episodes "Abyssinia, Henry" and "The Interview" were respectively ranked #20 and #80 on TV Guide's 100 Greatest Episodes of All Time.[5] In 2002, M*A*S*H was ranked #25 on TV Guide's 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time

M*A*S*H aired weekly in its original CBS run, with most episodes being a half-hour in length. The series is usually categorized as a situation comedy, though it is sometimes also described as a "dark comedy" or a "dramedy" because of the dramatic subject material often presented.[7] The show was an ensemble piece revolving around key personnel in a United States Army Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH; the asterisks in the name are meaningless, a contrivance introduced in the novel) in the Korean War (1950–1953). The "4077th MASH" was just one of several surgical units in Korea. As the show developed, the writing took on more of a moralistic tone. Richard Hooker, who wrote the book on which the show (and the film version) was based, noted that Hawkeye was far more liberal in the show (in one of the sequel books, Hawkeye, in fact, makes reference to "kicking the bejesus out of lefties just to stay in shape"). While the show was mostly comedy, there were many episodes of a more serious tone. Stories were both plot- and character-driven. Most of the characters were draftees, with dramatic tension often occurring between them and "regular Army" characters, either among the regular characters (Margaret Houlihan, Colonel Potter) or guest characters such as Eldon Quick, Herb Voland, Mary Wickes, and Tim O'Connor.

M*A*S*H

Laugh track
Series creators Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds wanted M*A*S*H broadcast without a laugh track ("Just like the actual Korean War", Gelbart remarked dryly), but CBS rejected the idea. By Season Two, a compromise had been reached, whereby the producers were allowed to omit the laugh track during operating room scenes if they wished. As a result, few scenes in the operating room contain canned laughter. Certain episodes omitted the laugh track completely ("O.R.", "The Bus", "Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?", "The Interview", "Dreams", "Point of View") as did some international and syndicated airings of the show. The first five seasons of the series contained a rather intrusive laugh track, similar to other laugh-tracked sitcoms of the period, but by Season Six, newer, significantly quieter, laughs were recorded and employed. In the United Kingdom, where the show was broadcast by the BBC (and therefore also without advertising breaks), the laugh track was removed entirely from all episodes.
On all released DVDs, both in Region 2 (Europe, including the UK) and Region 1 (including the U.S.), there is an option to watch the show with or without the laugh track. Syndicated broadcasts in the U.S. and UK today retain the original U.S. laugh track.

Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way. ~Colonel Potter

It's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. ~Colonel Potter

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. ~Colonel Potter

Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H, "Love Story," original air date 7 January 1973, spoken by the character Hawkeye

I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. ~Hawkeye, "

Sometimes I think it should be a rule of war that you have to see somebody up close and get to know him before you can shoot him. ~Colonel Potter

I will not carry a gun.... I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun! ~Hawkeye

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. ~Frank Burns,

Frank: She was a little brunette of Jewish persuasion.
Hawkeye: I wonder who persuaded her to be that.

You know, we've got to do it someday... throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south in here to a cocktail party... last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war. ~Hawkeye,

If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy. ~Hawkeye

Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye. ~Sidney Freedman

Without discipline the Army would just be a bunch of guys wearing the same color clothing. ~Franks Burns

Having babies is fun, but babies grow up into people. ~Colonel Potter, "

A faith of convenience is a hollow faith. ~Father Mulcahy,

Your picture's in my wallet and I'm sitting on it. And if that isn't love, I don't know what is. ~Frank Burns

Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled. -- PA

The glee club meets in the mess tent at o-eight hundred hours. The first number on tonight's schedule is, uh, Father Mulcahy's solo "I'm confessin That I Love You." -- PA

Attention all personnel. When filling out GI insurance forms, be sure to state your age and sex at the time of your last birthday. -- PA

A reminder that the 4077th Christmas party for the Korean children in the area will be held today at fourteen hundred hours. So everyone turn out to meet the kids. Santa will be there too; we can only hope he's sober. -- PA

Attention. Attention. One minute to Charlie. The betting book is now closed. -- PA

And now direct from North Korea, here he is for the sixth hit week, 5 O'clock Charlie, his airplane, and his astigmatism! -- PA

Attention. Major Houlihan, your chest x-rays are ready and they really came out beautiful. -- PA

Attention all personnel. Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today. -- PA

Attention all personnel. By order of Major Frank Burns, lights out in ten minutes sharp. Anyone not in their own beds at that time will have to spend the night wherever they are. -- PA

Attention all personnel. Because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film which has not arrived yet is cancelled. A reminder from Colonel Blake, due to the flu kindly refrain from kissing anyone unless absolutely necessary. -- PA

Attention. Captain Alvin Mercer leaves for a honeymoon in Tokyo at oh-nine hundred hours. Any nurse wishing to be the bride please contact the captain. No experience necessary. -- PA

Attention all personnel. Since there are no casualties again today, tonight's midnight movie will be seen at nine o'clock this morning. Also, midnight will be cancelled. -- PA

Attention. Attention all personnel. No casualties expected for indefinite period. AFRS announces the release of Nazi war criminal Alfred Krupp. Everybody's going home but us. -- PA

Attention. Attention. All personnel may stand down. Armed Forces Radio reports that General Mark W. Clark has just been appointed commander of the U.N. forces in Korea. General Clark succeeds General Ridgeway who succeeded General MacArthur. And that's the news generally speaking. No one's succeeding us at all. -- PA

Testing, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 testing. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I got a gal in Kalamazoo... -- Radar over PA

Captains Pierce and McIntyre report to O.R. immediately! Move it...sirs. -- PA

Testing, tes...1,2,3. Testing, 1, 2. Radar here, uh..there's nobody on the radio now except 'Seoul City' Sue so I figured I'd keep you entertained by reading you a letter from my mom. Here it goes. Dear Son, I got your lovely letter. You certainly asked a lot of questions. About the car, you may. About Jennifer next door, yes. About Eleanor Simon, she did once or twice but not too much. About your uncle Albert, uh no on drinking, yes on AA. About the dog Leon, three times in the bedroom, once under the washer, and twice on the cat. Testing, testing. About the cat, we don't have one anymore. About your cousin Ernie, he's in the...(explosion) Oh! Oh! Here we go again! Watch out! -- Radar over PA

Attention all personnel. Tonight's movie is a holdover from last week and will be shown right after supper, which is also a holdover from last week -- PA

Attention all personnel. Attention. The eagle screams today. It's payday. All personnel will kindly form an orderly stampede. -- PA

Sorry, camp. Attention! By command of the new commanding officer, all officers report to the commanding officer's office, sirs. -- Radar over PA

Attention. Here's a bulletin from the truce talks at Panmunjon: after six weeks of negotiation, the U.N. and North Korea have agreed that flagpoles in the peace compound are to be thirty-two feet, six and one quarter inches high. World leaders hail this agreement as an important step toward lasting peace. -- PA

Attention. A jeep with single patient wants to meet single doctor on the double. -- PA

Attention everybody. Incoming wounded. Get yours while they last. Tell your friends. -- PA

Justin Drew Bieber[7] ( /ˈbiːbər/ bee-bər, born March 1, 1994) is a Canadian pop/R&B singer, songwriter and actor. Bieber was discovered in 2008 by Scooter Braun,[8] who came across Bieber's videos on YouTube and later became his manager. Braun arranged for him to meet with Usher in Atlanta, Georgia, and Bieber was soon signed to Raymond Braun Media Group (RBMG), a joint venture between Braun and Usher, and then to a recording contract with Island Records offered by L.A. Reid.

Bieber's debut single, "One Time", was released in 2009 and peaked in the top ten in Canada and charted in the top thirty in several international markets. His debut release, My World, followed in November 2009, and was later certified platinum in the United States. He became the first artist to have seven songs from a debut album chart on the Billboard Hot 100. Bieber's first full studio release, My World 2.0, was released in March 2010 and debuted at number one and within the top ten of several countries, and was certified platinum in the United States. It was preceded by the worldwide top-ten single, "Baby". The music video of "Baby" is currently ranked as the most viewed and most discussed YouTube video. Bieber followed-up the release of his debut album with his first headlining tour, the My World Tour, the remix albums My Worlds Acoustic and Never Say Never – The Remixes, and the 3D biopic-concert film Justin Bieber: Never Say Never – which had an opening weekend gross that nearly matched the record for the biggest opening weekend for a concert-film.

Bieber has been nominated and awarded numerous accolades, winning Artist of the Year at the 2010 American Music Awards, and being nominated for Best New Artist and Best Pop Vocal Album at the 53rd Grammy Awards. Bieber is considered a teen idol, and has been subject to acclaim from fans, as well as criticism and controversy from matters concerning his popularity and image.

The Observer newspaper in the UK published a report indicating that Justin Bieber is more influential in the social networking sphere than Barack Obama or The Dalai Lama.[65] According to Jan Hoffman of The New York Times, part of Bieber's appeal stems from his YouTube channel. Long before he released his EP, My World, in mid-November, the YouTube videos attracted millions of views. Braun recognized the appeal. Prior to flying him to Atlanta, Braun wanted to "build him up more on YouTube first" and had Bieber record more home videos for the channel. "I said: 'Justin, sing like there’s no one in the room. But let's not use expensive cameras.' We'll give it to kids, let them do the work, so that they feel like it's theirs", recalled Braun. Bieber continues to upload videos to the same channel and has opened a Twitter account, from which he interacts with fans regularly; his account was reported in November 2010 to have over 6 million followers.Since then he has been consistently gaining followers at an average of 24,000 per day. The accounts also serve marketing purposes; for example, Bieber's music video for "One Time" only began selling quickly after it was uploaded to YouTube.

Bieber performing "Favorite Girl" in Zurich, Switzerland April, 2011.
Usher comments that while he and Bieber were both signed at the same age, "I had the chance to ramp up my success, where this has happened to Bieber abruptly." As a result, Usher, Braun, Bieber's bodyguard Kenny, and other adults surrounding Bieber constantly coach him on handling fame and his public image.[15] After signing Bieber, Usher appointed one of his former assistants, Ryan Good, to be Bieber's road manager and stylist. Good, once nicknamed Bieber's "swagger coach", created a "streetwise look" for the singer which consisted of baseball caps, hoodies, dog chains and flashy sneakers. Amy Kaufman of The Los Angeles Times comments, "Though a product of a middle-class suburban upbringing in Stratford, Ontario, Bieber's manner of dress and speech ("Wassup man, how you doin'?" or "It's like, you know, whateva' ") suggest he's mimicking his favorite rappers."

Bieber is often featured in teen magazines such as Tiger Beat, and has been labeled as a "teen heartthrob". Bieber has released a collection of nail varnishes to raise awareness for charity. Wax statues of Bieber are on display at Madame Tussauds wax museums in New York, Amsterdam and London. His change of hairstyle in 2010, and the consequent alterations to Bieber products, led to it being called 'the most expensive musical haircut of all time; one company spent $100,000 to fix its dolls for the 2011 Christmas season.

Bieber is a Christian.

He said he has a relationship with Jesus, talks to him and "he's the reason I'm here".
Bieber's comments in a February 2011 profile in Rolling Stone sparked controversy. Asked whether a person should wait until marriage to have sex, Bieber responded, "I don't think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them." Asked about his opinion on abortion, Bieber said he doesn't "believe in abortion" and that it is "like killing a baby". When asked about abortion in cases of rape, he said, "Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don't know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven't been in that position, so I wouldn't be able to judge that." In the same interview, Bieber talked about homosexuality, stating that "It's everyone's own decision to do that. It doesn’t affect me and shouldn't affect anyone else", with Rolling Stone commenting, "It is not clear whether he intended to label homosexuality as a lifestyle choice."However, Bieber has also contributed to the It Gets Better Project, a project started in response to the suicide of Billy Lucas, a teenager who was the target of anti-gay bullying.

Bieber has said he is not interested in obtaining United States citizenship, praising Canada as being "the best country in the world", citing its health care system as an example.

While promoting My World, Bieber was scheduled to appear at Long Island's Roosevelt Field Mall. The performance was canceled after fans allegedly began "pushing and shoving". Over 35 units from the Nassau County and Garden City police departments had to be summoned, and several fans received minor injuries.

On April 26, 2010, a scheduled promotional performance in Australia was canceled by police after several girls were injured in a crowd crush. In a Twitter message after the incident, Bieber said: "I'm very happy about the welcome and the love from around the world, but I want everyone to still remember my fans' safety comes first. At the end of the day I want you all to enjoy the music." The incident did not deter Bieber from scheduling a five-city tour in Australia, as announced on December 2010.

On the importance of education in his life: “School sucks.”

On having 30 friends flown to L.A. for his 16th birthday: “I’m only 16 once. I’ve got to live like it.”

On the h8terz: “There’s more people that like me than there are who hate me, so I kind of brush it off.”

On his the elephant in the room—his voice eventually changing: “People say, ‘Oh, people just like him because he’s pretty.’ Or the funniest one: ‘When he goes through puberty, he’s not going to be a good singer anymore. How does that make sense when we’ve seen people like Michael Jackson and Usher and Justin Timberlake and all these famous singers do it?”

[Note: Usher and JT's voices had already changed by the time they were having hits. As for Michael Jackson—has it ever been scientifically proven that he actually went through puberty?

On being confident he could fill Madison Square Garden: “I just think that I have enough fans, so I could pull in the people. I don’t really get nervous anymore. I’ve already performed at Madison Square Garden, and I’ve performed for an hour before. What’s the difference?

On his inevitable foray into feature films: “I don’t want to do the Hannah Montana thing.” [Fibber!]

On his magical, life-affirming tweets: “I still [use Twitter] as much as before. People write to me and say, ‘I’m giving up, you’re not talking to me.’ I just write them a simple message like, ‘Never give up,’ you know? And it changes their life.

Who’s that girl singing? Oh…Wait…Thats justin beiber

I called Justin Bieber gay, and he slapped me with his purse.

Yo Usher! Are you coming out tonight? -Nah I’m babysitting Justin Bieber!

Justin Bieber always sings about girls… she must be a lesbian.

Hey you guys are so mean to Justin, leave HER alone!

Justin Bieber kept video of himself striping in YouTube, which caught the attention of gay manager and next day he became star.

In an interview with MTV News, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe said that when he heard Justin Bieber sing for the first time, he thought he was a woman. That’s ridiculous. Justin Bieber is not a woman. He’s a girl.

In next season of Disney’s Hannah Montana , Justin will be playing the role of Hannah Montana.

Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassadors of sanitary pads.

Justin Bieber is using hair growing oil to get puberty .

2000A.D – OMG Backstreet boys!!!
2006A.D – Who is Backstreet boys ?
2010A.D – OMG Justin Bieber!!!!!!
2015A.D – Who is Justin Bieber.

Miley Cyrus shaves more often than Justin Bieber.

It seems he is using her older sisters in his videos.

Most of the Justin’s concert are free because no one is willing to pay for it.

Kim Kardashian received death threats from Justin Bieber fans after he jokingly tweeted that she was his girlfriend. One Justin Bieber fan tweeted that she will use her lunch money to hire a hit man.

Q. What’s the difference between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga ?
A. One of them has balls and it ain’t Bieber.

Q: How to make Justin Bieber cry?
A: Tell him Santa’s not real!

Justin Beiber fell off the ladder trying to reach puberty .

JB doesn’t need mic to sing , no one needs mic for lip-syncing .

Q: Why did the Chicken cross the Road?
A:To get away from Justin Bieber!!!

Stop making fun of him. Every time you make fun of him, you’re making fun of someone’s daughter.

According to E! , Justin Bieber and Usher is in relationship and was found on late night dating. They will marry once Justin turns 18.Guitar , ”

“Justin Bieber Finally hit the Puberty” was the biggest April Fool Joke of the Year .

Obama : We are going through major crisis , all the teen girls are becoming Lesbian.
Press : How can you tell than ?
Obama : Because they fantasize sex with Justin Bieber .

He do look good as zombie, he will be acting as zombie in next "Resident Evil" movie

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hey Miley, When did you record that song ?
Miley Cyrus : That’s Justin Bieber song .

Justin Bieber is borrowing cloths from Lady Gaga for her next video .

Kim Kardasian : I think i got ” Bieber Fever”
Doctor : No it is “Herpes”.

Your momma is so stupid that she think Justin Bieber is a Guy .

Your mother is so stupid that she think Justin Bieber can sing.

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

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Andrew Aitken "Andy" Rooney (January 14, 1919 – November 4, 2011) was an American radio and television writer. He was most notable for his weekly broadcast "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney", a part of the CBS News program 60 Minutes from 1978 to 2011. His final regular appearance on 60 Minutes aired October 2, 2011. He died one month later, on November 4, 2011, at age 92.
Contents

Andrew Rooney was born in Albany, New York, the son of Walter Scott Rooney (1888–1959) and Ellinor (Reynolds) Rooney (1886–1980). He attended The Albany Academy, and later attended Colgate University in Hamilton in Central New York, where he was initiated into the Sigma Chi fraternity, until he was drafted into the United States Army in August 1941. Rooney began his career in newspapers while in the Army when, in 1942, he began writing for Stars and Stripes in London during World War II.

In February 1943, flying with the Eighth Air Force, he was one of six correspondents who flew on the second American bombing raid over Germany. Later, he was one of the first American journalists to visit the Nazi concentration camps near the end of World War II, and one of the first to write about them. During a segment on Tom Brokaw's The Greatest Generation, Rooney confessed that he had been opposed to World War II because he was a pacifist. He recounted that what he saw in those concentration camps made him ashamed that he had opposed the war and permanently changed his opinions about whether "just wars" exist.

In London, during the war, Mary Hemingway made an accusation of plagiarism against several fellow journalists, including Andy Rooney, although the accusations were proven false.

Rooney's 1995 memoir, My War, chronicles his war reporting. In addition to recounting firsthand several notable historical events and people (including the entry into Paris and the Nazi concentration camps), Rooney describes how it shaped his experience both as a writer and reporter.

Rooney joined CBS in 1949, as a writer for Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts, when Godfrey was at his peak on CBS radio and TV. It opened the show up to a variety of viewers. The program was a hit, reaching number one in 1952, during Rooney's tenure with the program. It was the beginning of a close life-long friendship between Rooney and Godfrey. He wrote for Godfrey's daytime radio and TV show Arthur Godfrey Time. He later moved on to The Garry Moore Show, which became a hit program. During the same period, he wrote for CBS News public affairs programs such as The Twentieth Century.

According to CBS News's biography of him, "Rooney wrote his first television essay, a longer-length precursor of the type he does on 60 Minutes, in 1964, "An Essay on Doors." From 1962, to 1968, he collaborated with another close friend, the late CBS News correspondent Harry Reasoner — Rooney writing and producing, Reasoner narrating — on such notable CBS News specials as "An Essay on Bridges" (1965),[8] "An Essay on Hotels" (1966), "An Essay on Women" (1967), and "The Strange Case of the English Language" (1968).[8] In 1968, he wrote two CBS News specials in the series "Of Black America",[8] and his script for "Black History: Lost, Stolen, or Strayed" won him his first Emmy."

When CBS declined to broadcast "An Essay on War" in 1970, Rooney quit CBS and read the opinion himself on PBS — his first appearance on television. That show in 1971 won Rooney his third Writers Guild Award.[8] Rooney rejoined CBS in 1973, to write and produce special programs. Rooney also wrote the script for the 1975 documentary FDR: The Man Who Changed America.

After his return to the network, Rooney wrote and appeared in several prime-time specials for CBS, including In Praise of New York City (1974), the Peabody Award-winning Mr. Rooney Goes to Washington (1975), Mr. Rooney Goes to Dinner (1978), and Mr. Rooney Goes to Work (1977) Transcripts of these specials, as well as of some of the earlier collaborations with Reasoner, are contained in the book A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney. Another special, Andy Rooney Takes Off, followed in 1984.
A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney

Rooney's "end-of-show" segment on 60 Minutes, "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney" (originally "Three Minutes or So With Andy Rooney", began in 1978, as a summer replacement for the debate segment "Point/Counterpoint"featuring Shana Alexander and James Kilpatrick. The segment proved popular enough with viewers that beginning in the fall of 1978, it was seen in alternate weeks with the debate segment. At the end of the 1978–1979 season, "Point/Counterpoint" was dropped altogether.

Rooney made a number of comments which elicited strong reactions from fans and producers alike.

Rooney wrote a column in 1992 which posited that it was "silly" for Native Americans to complain about team names like the Redskins, in which he wrote in part, "The real problem is, we took the country away from the Indians, they want it back and we're not going to give it to them. We feel guilty and we'll do what we can for them within reason, but they can't have their country back. Next question."

In a 2007 column for Tribune media services, he wrote, "I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today's baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me." Rooney later commented, "Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said it, [but] it's a name that seems common in baseball now. I certainly didn't think of it in any derogatory sense." Has No Clothes Award from the Freedom From Religion Foundation

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
Andy Rooney

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
Andy Rooney

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.
Andy Rooney

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andy Rooney

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.
Andy Rooney

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
Andy Rooney

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
Andy Rooney

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
Andy Rooney

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
Andy Rooney

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
Andy Rooney

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Andy Rooney

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
Andy Rooney

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.
Andy Rooney

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
Andy Rooney

One night a flying saucer landed in the back yard of Tim and Ingrid of Pasadena, Texas. Two attractive aliens, one male and one female, emerged from the saucer and introduced themselves as Martians. They told their hosts they had come to planet Earth to conduct an experiment.

Tim asked, "What do you want from us?"

The experiment was research on having sex with Earthlings, the aliens replied. "Would you two like to assist us with or experiment?"

Tim and Ingrid thought it over and said okay. Tim took the female alien into one bedroom and Ingrid took the male alien into the other bedroom. After the male was undressed, Ingrid looked him over and started laughing. The alien asked what was so funny. Ingrid replied, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed...It's just that you're not large enough to satisfy any woman on Earth!"

The alien replied, "No problem. Watch this." He grabbed his ears and his penis grew 10 inches.

With a smile, Ingrid exclaimed, "Now that's more like it!"

A few hours later, after the aliens had gone, Tim asked Ingrid, "Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

"It was fantastic.", replied Ingrid. Ingrid asked, "How about you. Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

Tim replied, "It was okay except she kept pulling my ears."

Whole Hog
Farmer Brown goes to market and buys several hogs to breed for things like ham and bacon to feed him and his wife. After a few weeks, it becomes apparent the female pigs are not getting pregnant, so he calls the local vet for help.

"Perhaps you should try artificial insemination," the vet advises.

Farmer Brown doesn't have the vaguest idea what "artificial insemination" is, but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he asks, "How will we know when they're pregnant?"

"Well, for one thing, they'll stop standing around and will, instead, begin to wallow in the mud."

"Thanks, Doc. Appreciate your time." The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. "Hmmm…artificial insemination. He must mean I'm supposed to impregnate the pigs myself."

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives deep into the woods, does each one in turn, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he awakens and looks out at the pigs. Seeing they are all still just standing around, he concludes the first try didn't take. Again he loads them back into the pickup, drives to the woods, does each pig twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just milling around.

One more try, he tells himself, and that's it! Into the pickup, and off to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he is too spent to raise himself from the bed. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are just standing around.

"Nope." she says.

"Finally!" Farmer Brown says with an exhausted sigh.

His wife adds, "They're all in the truck and one of 'em is honkin' the horn."

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he notices smoke coming out of the chimney and assumes that someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answers.

The old man squints. "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or a place to sleep all that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man replies, "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests known to man." "OK, OK," the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

That night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had spent many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but they did keep the noise to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Next morning the man awoke feeling a heavy weight. He opened his eyes and saw a huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "First Chinese Torture Test: 100-pound rock on your chest." "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "Second Chinese Torture Test: Rock tied to right testicle." The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying "Thirrd Chinese Torture Test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

K-Y Chronicles, cont'd
It's a boring day in Super-hero City. Superman is very bored, so he goes up to Spiderman and says "Hey, Spidey, you want to go to the bar and play pool and have some drinks?". Spiderman replies "Sorry, Superman, I have to fix my webs because if I don't, no one will fight crime". Superman says "Yeah, I guess you are right," and he leaves.

Superman keeps on walking and walking and he sees Batman. He walks up to Batman and says, "Hey Batman, you want to go to the bar and drink or smoke some blunt or something?" Batman replies "Sorry, Sup, I have to fix my Batmobile or else no one will fight crime". Superman replies "Yeah I guess you are right," and leaves.

Superman then starts flying through Super-hero City and he looks through a window and sees Wonderwoman lying on the bed naked. Superman says to himself "Hey, I am as fast as a speeding bullet, so I will fly in there and fuck her so fast she won't even notice". So he does it. BICKETY BAM!!! He is in and out in ten seconds. Suddenly, Wonderwoman rolls over and says "Invisible Man, did you hear something?". Invisible Man replies "No. But my ass hurts like hell!!"

A man walks into a bathroom and starts taking a leak. Next to him is an elf also taking a leak. He casually looks over and sneaks a peak and notices the elf's huge organ. He an't resist asking the elf how he got such a huge penis. The elf tells him he's one of Santa's helpers and Santa himself gave it to him.

The man asks the elf how he could get a penis like his. The elf explains that he could grant the man three wishes. So the man wishes for: 1. All the money in the world. "No problem," says the elf. 2. All the women in the world. "No problem," says the elf. 3. A dick as big as his.

The elf agrees to grant him his three wishes provided the man lets the elf fuck him in the ass. So the man thinks to himself, all the money, all the women, plus a huge dick, and he let's the elf have his way with him.

After the excruciatingly painful ordeal the man ask for his three wishes. The elf turns and says, "You imbecile, you still believe in Santa Claus?"

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Two behaviorists have sex. One turns to the other and says, "That was good for you: how was it for me?"

Question: Why is the solipsist unhappy? --- Answer: Because no one will accept his arguments as valid.

Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
Biologists think they're biochemists.

Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think they're physical chemists.
Physical chemists think they're physicists.

Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
Philosophers think they're gods.

Question: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? --- Answer: Make me one with everything.

From John Lachs' entry on "Footnotes to Plato" in the Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy:

A.N. Whitehead once wrote that "the safest general characterization" of Western thought is that "it consists of a series of footnotes to Plato". This testy assessment of an entire tradition is often recited by Platonists and has earned for Whitehead the accolades of the aphorism crowd.

The great thinkers of the past certainly did not think that they were adding footnotes to Plato's text. Had Kant thought he was adding one, he would surely have kept the Critique of Pure Reason under 500 pages. And should Wittgenstein have suspected that he was producing scholia, he would have spent at least a little time reading the text.

... Does Descartes, who subverted the starting-point of ancient philosophy, constitute no more than an afterthought to it? Should Hume, who rejected both its premisses and its conclusions in favour of his own original views, get no credit beyond having discovered a new wrinkle on wisdom's old face? Can we even think that in his stunning synthesis of everything ancient and modern, Hegel rehearsed only what Plato had always known?

Possibly, however, Whitehead's statement was made in the spirit of rampageous over-generalization one can expect from footnoters to Plato. If so, it must be taken with a grain of salt or greeted by rolling one's eyes. But even then, in one clear respect, the claim he makes is false. For the safest way to deal with the history of Western thought is not to characterize it in general terms at all.

A boy is about to go on his first date, but he has no idea what to talk about. He asks his father for advice, and the pearls of wisdom in reply are, "Son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice-cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for several uncomfortable minutes. The boy remembers his father's words. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?".

"No," she says, and the silence returns.

After a few more nerve-wracking minutes, the boy thinks again of his father's suggestions, and turns to the second item on the list.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No," says the girl, and, again, the silence is deafening.

In desperation the boy plays his final card. He thinks of his father's advice, and asks: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.

-- "What's logic?" says Bubba.
-- "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "Sure do," says Bubba.
-- "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."
-- "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.
-- "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
-- "Gawly!” says Bubba.
-- "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"
-- "Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
-- "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"
-- "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.
-- "So what classes are ya takin’?" says Cooter.
-- "Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.
-- "What in tarnation is logic?"
-- "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "No."
-- "Then you’re gay."

Question: What do you get when you cross a postmodernist with a mafia boss? --- Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch? --- Answer: Pay for the pizza.

Question: What's the difference between a philosopher and an engineer? --- Answer: About $80,000 per year.

John Heil on "Twin-Earth" in Cambridge Dictionary of Philosophy:

Twin-Earth, a fictitious planet first visited by Hilary Putnam in a thought experiment designed to show, among other things, that "'meanings' just ain't in the head"... Although Twin-Earth has become a popular stopping-off place for philosophers en route to theories of meaning and mental content, others regard Twin-Earth as hopelessly remote, doubting that useful conclusions can be drawn about our Earthly circumstances from research conducted there.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

"Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
"Define 'light bulb'..."
"How can you be sure it needs changing?"

Q. How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. On the contrary, the Nile is the longest river in Africa.

Q. How many modal logicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. In which world?

From Russell's "On Denoting":

By the law of excluded middle, either "A is B" or "A is not B" must be true. Hence either "the present King of France is bald" or "the present King of France is not bald" must be true. Yet if we enumerated the things that are bald, and then the things that are not bald, we should not find the present King of France in either list. Hegelians, who love a synthesis, will probably conclude that he wears a wig.

An engineer, an economist, a physicist, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland. On the top of a hill they see a black sheep.

"What do you know," the engineer remarks. "The sheep in Scotland are black."

"No, no", protests the economist. "At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."

The physicist considers this a moment. "That's not quite right. The truth is that there's at least one sheep which is black from one side."

"Well, that's not quite right either," interjects the philosopher. "There appears to be something describable as a 'sheep' that seems to be black from one side..."

Cause of death for philosophers:
Bentham: Fell off his stilts
Freud: Slipped
Goodman: Gruesome bleen inflection
Hare: Wrong prescription
Heraclitus: Fell in the same river twice
Jackson: Saw red
Kripke: Went rigid
Marx: Capital punishment
Peirce: Abducted
Plato: Caved in
Wittgenstein: Became the late Wittgenstein

No comment about Occam? -- I'm sure the list could be expanded indefinitely at any rate...

A job hunter, a philosophy major, went here, there and everywhere in his search for employment, but in vain. Having run out of options, he swallowed his pride and took up the offer of playing a bear in a costume at a zoo. He was locked up in a cage, where he was supposed to imitate various bear-like movements to entertain visitors.

To his horror, another bear appeared in the cage and started approaching him. He panicked and was on the brink of collapse when the bear said: "Don't be afraid. I'm also a philosophy major."

One day the great philosopher Socrates came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued."You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

This University of Otago lexicon includes such gems as:

Mackie the Knife. Fictional gangster with no respect for moral values.
"On the sidewalk, Sunday morning
Lies a moral realist oozing life
Someone's sneaking round the corner
Is the someone Mackie the knife?"

Richard at Philosophy, et cetera mentions the following:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Epicurus: For fun.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Zeno: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

What is Mind? No Matter.
What is Body? Never Mind.

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

I passed my ethics exam. Of course I've cheated.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective.

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

One more final exam:
Q: Is this a question?
A: If this is an answer!

A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.
"In a closet," he repied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleage, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."Raymod Smullyan, "5000 B.C."

Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:
Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day

Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.
Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."

Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
Student: "Yes, I drive. "

Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."

Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."

Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."

Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"
"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
"No."
"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.Bertrand Russell, Science and Religion

If metaphysics is being qua being;
and if epistomology is knowing qua knowing;
then metaphilosophy must be... qua qua qua.

Graduate student lends his advisor a book on tensed logic by Arthur N. Prior. Advisor reads it, then tells his student that he dropped it off in the student's mail box. Moments later the student returns, and breathlessly exclaims: "Professor, professor. Someone's stolen my Prior."
To which the professor sagely replies: "You're lucky around this department they haven't stolen your posterior."

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

Nietzsche: GOD IS DEAD.
God: NIETZSCHE IS DEAD.
Nietzsche (in the afterlife): WELL, AT LEAST I CONTINUE TO LIVE IN THE MINDS OF EXISTENTIALISTS AND POST-MODERNISTS!
God (elsewhere): WELL, AT LEAST I CONTINUE TO EXIST IN THE MINDS OF FUNDAMENTALISTS AND RELIGIOUS FANATICS!
Nietzsche: AT LEAST, THERE IS ONE COMMON THING IN US . . . FANATICS BELIEVE US!
God: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Nietzsche: DON'T YOU KNOW THAT EXISTENTIALISTS AND POST-MODERNISTS HAVE ALSO GONE FANATICAL?
God: WELL, BEING OMNISCIENT, I KNOW EVERYTHING EXCEPT THOSE SAID BY POST-MODERNISTS COZ EVERY TIME I EXPRESS MY OWN UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT THEY SAY, THEY KEEP ON CHANGING WHAT THEY MEAN . . . BY THE HOUR . . . BY THE MINUTE . . .
Nietzsche: HA-HA-HA!! THEY LEARNED IT FROM ME!! AND THEY WILL SOON BE LINING UP FOR THE MENTAL ASYLUMS . . . LIKE ME.Ruel Pepa

$\:lol\:$

The Hemp Plant
The hemp plant is harvested for its fibers, seed, seed meal and seed oil.
Hemp is a distinct variety of the plant species cannabis sativa L. Due to the similar leaf shape, hemp is frequently confused with marijuana. Although both plants are from the species cannabis, hemp contains virtually no THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol), the active ingredient in marijuana.
Hemp cannot be used as a drug because it produces virtually no THC
(less than 1%), where marijuana produces between 5 - 20 % THC.

Hemp Agronomic Characteristics
Hemp is a bast fiber plant similar to flax, kenaf, jute and ramie. Long slender primary fibers on the outer portion of the stalk characterize bast fiber plants. An annual plant that grows from seed, hemp can be grown on a range of soils, but tends to grow best on land that produces high yields of corn. The soil must be well drained, rich in nitrogen, and non-acidic. Hemp requires limited pesticides because is grows so quickly and attracts few pests. In northern latitudes, hemp is usually planted between early March and late May. Hemp averages between 2 - 4 meters in height in about four months of growth.
Hemp crops are harvested at different times for different hemp products.

Harvesting hemp stalks for high quality primary fiber occurs as soon as the crop is in flower.
Harvesting for seed production and stalks occurs 4 - 6 weeks after flowering, when male plants begin to shed pollen.

Primary Hemp Fiber
The valued primary fibers are contained around the hollow, woody core of the hemp stalk. These long, strong fibers that grow the length of the hemp stalk are considered bast fibers Hemp fiber possesses properties similar to other bast fibers (flax, kenaf, jute and ramie) and excels in fiber length, strength, durability, absorbency, antimildew and antimicrobial properties.

Once a hemp crop has matured and been harvested, hemp primary fibers are separated from the hemp stalk through the "retting" process. For "dew retting", the cut stalks are left in the field for several weeks to allow natural humidity and bacteria to decompose the fiber-binding pectins. Other ways to separate the fiber from the core are: water retting, warm water retting and chemical retting. When the retting process is complete, the fibers are readily separated from the core, and processed for specific products.

Hemp
Primary fibers are long-staple length fibers, averaging 8 ” (20 cm) in length. These hemp fibers can be spun and woven to a fine, crisp, linen-like fabric and used for apparel textiles, home furnishing textiles and carpeting. Antimildew and antimicrobial properties make them very suitable for sails, tarps, awnings, and floor coverings.

Primary Hemp fibers can be cut to shorter staple lengths to accommodate a variety of spinning systems. Hemp fiber blended with wool, cotton, linen or other fibers, adds strength, durability, absorbency and breathability, making hemp-blended fabrics cool and comfortable to wear and touch.

The Qualities of Primary Hemp Fiber

length average 8 ” (20 cm) in length,
4 - 6 ”, 1 - 2 ” and special lengths available upon request
luster high
strength high
elasticity low, can be treated to improve
heat conductivity high, very cool fabric to wear
absorbency high
cleanliness and washability high
reaction to bleaches will weaken, use with care
reaction to heat will scorch and burn
effect of mildew highly resistant
effect of light & outdoor exposure very resistant
reaction to alkalies not affected
reaction to acids easily affected
affinity for dyes very good

Core Fiber
Core fiber is derived from the sturdy, wood-like hollow stalk of the hemp plant. Sometimes referred to as "hurds", it is up to twice as absorbent as wood shavings, making it an excellent animal bedding and garden mulch. It can be easily blended with lime to create a strong yet lightweight concrete or plaster. Its high cellulose content means it can be applied to the manufacturing of plastics. Like primary fiber, it is biodegradable and possesses antimildew and antimicrobial properties.
U.S. Legal Definitions

Custom Regulations of the United States, Official US Custom House Guide, 1987. sec. 302.58 --CR-360. MARIJUANA STATUTORY PROVISIONS
Controlled Substances Act, Food & Drug Admin (1970)

Chapt. 22, Sec. 802-15 Definitions:
(a) MARIHUANA. The term 'marihuana' means all parts of the plant Cannabis sativa (L.), whether growing or not, the seeds thereof, the resin extracted from any part of such plant; and every compound, manufacture, salt, derivative, mixture or or preparation of such plant, its seeds or resin;

BUT SHALL NOT INCLUDE the mature stalks of such plant,. fiber provided from such stalks, oil or cake made from the seeds of such plant., any other compound, manufacture, salt, derivative, mixture or preparation of such mature stalks (except the resin extracted therefrom), fiber. oil or cake or the sterilized seed of such plant. which is incapable of germination

LEGAL FACTS

*The US Drug Enforcement Agency classifies all C. sativa varieties as "marijuana." While it is theoretically possible to get permission from the government to grow hemp, DEA would require that the field be secured by fence, razor wire, dogs, guards, and lights, making it cost-prohibitive.

Hemp

*The US State Department must certify each year that a foreign nation is cooperating in the war on drugs. The European Union subsidizes its farmers to grow industrial hemp. Those nations are not on this list, because the State Department can tell the difference between hemp and marijuana.

*Hemp was grown commercially (with increasing governmental interference) in the United States until the 1950s. It was doomed by the Marijuana Tax Act of 1937, which placed an extremely high tax on marijuana and made it effectively impossible to grow industrial hemp. While Congress expressly expected the continued production of industrial hemp, the Federal Bureau of Narcotics lumped industrial hemp with marijuana, as it's successor the US Drug Enforcement Administration, does to this day.

*Over 30 industrialized democracies do distinguish hemp from marijuana. International treaties regarding marijuana make an exception for industrial hemp.

*Canada now again allows the growing of hemp.

ECOLOGY FACTS

* Hemp growers can not hide marijuana plants in their fields. Marijuana is grown widely spaced to maximize leaves. Hemp is grown in tightly-spaced rows to maximize stalk and is usually harvested before it goes to seed.

*Hemp can be made into fine quality paper. The long fibers in hemp allow such paper to be recycled several times more than wood-based paper.

*Because of its low lignin content, hemp can be pulped using less chemicals than with wood. Its natural brightness can obviate the need to use chlorine bleach, which means no extremely toxic dioxin being dumped into streams. A kinder and gentler chemistry using hydrogen peroxide rather than chlorine dixoide is possible with hemp fibers.

*Hemp grows well in a variety of climates and soil types. It is naturally resistant to most pests, precluding the need for pesticides. It grows tightly spaced, out-competing any weeds, so herbicides are not necessary. It also leaves a weed-free field for a following crop.

*Hemp can displace cotton which is usually grown with massive amounts of chemicals harmful to people and the environment. 50% of all the world's pesticides are sprayed on cotton.

*Hemp can displace wood fiber and save forests for watershed, wildlife habitat, recreation and oxygen production, carbon sequestration (reduces global warming), and other values.

*Hemp can yield 3-8 dry tons of fiber per acre. This is four times what an average forest can yield.

HEALTH FACTS

*If one tried to ingest enough industrial hemp to get 'a buzz', it would be the equivalent of taking 2-3 doses of a high-fiber laxative.

*At a volume level of 81%, hemp oil is the richest known source of polyunsaturated essential fatty acids (the "good" fats). It's quite high in some essential amino acids, including gamma linoleic acid (GLA), a very rare nutrient also found in mother's milk.

*While the original "gruel" was made of hemp seed meal, hemp oil and seed can be made into tasty and nutritional products.

Coconut Cacao Hemp Bars

Ingredients:

8 oz. Nutiva Coconut Manna
4 oz. Nutiva Extra Virgin Coconut Oil
4 oz. 100% Cacao Baking Chocolate Bar Broken into Small Pieces
1/4 c. Agave Syrup
4 oz. Nutiva Hemp Hearts (divided)
1 1/2 c Chopped Walnuts (toasted)

Parchment Paper
Smoked Sea Salt or Kosher Salt

Directions:

1. Toast walnuts in a single layer on a baking sheet for 10-15 mins at 350 degrees and cool.

2. line an 8×8 baking pan with parchment paper

3. spread half of the hemp hearts on the parchment lined bottom of the baking pan (be sure to spread evenly so all edges are covered with hemp hearts) and then arrange walnuts in a single even layer on top of the hemp hearts.

4. Combine Coconut oil, Coconut manna, agave syrup, and chocolate in a glass bowl (omit agave if you choose to use semi-sweet chocolate chips or chunks instead of 100% cacao dark chocolate).

5. Microwave 15 seconds, then stir for 2-5 minutes. continue 15 second heating / 2-5 minute stirring intervals until all the chocolate is melted. Stir stir stir until you have a smooth and creamy mixture.

6. Gently pour coconut chocolate mixture over hemp hearts and walnuts. sprinkle the other half of hemp hearts onto top of chocolate with a sprinkle of smoked sea salt or plain kosher salt.

7. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours. Remove from baking pan from the fridge and remove hippie bark from baking pan, parchment and all. Using a large knife, roughly cut hippie bark into 1” strips lengthwise and then cut strips into 1” chunks crosswise. Some hippie bark will break as you are cutting but the rough look of the cut hippie bark is very appealing – the creamy color and texture of the walnuts and hemp hearts will highlight the vertical sides on each piece of cut hippie bark.

8. Allow this creamy nutty confection to come to room temperature (68-70 degrees) before serving but be sure to store extra hippie bark in the refrigerator.

Hemp Loaf

Ingredients:
1 ½ cups Long Grain Brown Rice, Prepared as Usual
1 Medium Carrot, Chopped
1 Small Onion, Minced
1 Stalk Celery, Chopped
2 Cloves Garlic, Minced
1 Egg
1 Tablespoon Fresh Ground Black Pepper
½ teaspoon Sea Salt
2 Tablespoon Dried Basil or Dried Italian Seasoning Blend
½ cup Nutiva Coconut Oil (plus 1-2 T. to grease pan)
1 ½ cups Nutiva Shelled Hemp Seeds
¼ – ½ cup Unsulphured Molasses

Directions:

1. Make the rice as usual and set aside.

2. Preheat oven to 325°F

3. Grease an 8 inch loaf pan with hemp seed or coconut oil

4. In a blender, combine the carrot, onion, celery, garlic, egg, pepper, salt, basil and oil.

5. Blend until smooth.

6. In a medium bowl, stir together the hemp seeds, rice and blender mixture.

7. Spoon into loaf pan, spreading to the edges & flattening the top.

8. Carefully spread the molasses over the top.

9. Bake for 1 hour.

10. Allow to rest for at least 10 minutes before slicing.

Hemp Seed Chocolate Milk

Ingredients:
Nutiva Hempseed
Nutiva Coconut Oil
Honey or agave
Celtic Salt
Cinnamon
Cacao Nibs
Carob

Directions:

1/2 cup Nutiva Hempseed
1 T Nutiva Coconut Oil
2 T Honey or Agave
2 T Raw Cacao Nibs
1 T Carob
A Pinch of Celtic Salt
1/4 t Cinnamon
1/4 t Vanilla or a small piece of Vanilla Pod
1 Quart or More of Filtered Water
Optional: One Ripe Banana

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Never type a group of words or a phrase in upper case. IT MAKES IT LOOK AS THOUGH YOU ARE SHOUTING, doesn’t it? Other people will get the feeling that you are being a bit rude. The best idea is to stick to regular sentence case when blogging, emailing, commenting, messaging, etc…

Always speak to others the way you would expect yourself to be spoken to in the physical world. Do not curse, swear, or insult others- just imagine what you’d feel like if you were spoken to like that!

Make use of emoticons like and which help you to get your message across. At certain times, what you write in emails or messages may be misunderstood (omg i have too much experience in this matter lol) and using emoticons will help the understanding of your message. They also add a bit of color and interest to the message.

Patience is the key on the web these days. If you are upset or angry about something, try and wait a while before writing another message. This way, you can calm down and think carefully about your wording in terms of politeness. Remember, once you hit ’send’, your message has gone into cyberspace forever!
Get to the point! Do your best to keep your messages brief and to the point. This way, the receiver will get a clear understanding of what you mean to say.

If someone bullies you or writes something bad to you, don’t insult them back. Why? Cause it just doesn’t work! Simply ignoring them or blocking their messages does the trick. If your using a messaging service like AOL, Yahoo, or Gmail (As well as thousands of others) then here’s a little way of permanently annoying them. Save a copy of every email that was sent to you which you considered offensive and send directly to the administrators or customer service. This will most likely ban the perpetrator from ever using the service ever again (Ive done this loads of times and it works every single one of them).

Never reply to people online who you do not know. The likelihood of malicious software being present is extremely high these days, and the worst case scenario is where a certain person wants to hurt you!

Never forget to greet people politely in every message you send. It really makes you seem like a friendly person.

Do not forward or create spam or chain letters. People would hate you to the max if you did this. It wastes time and has no point. Chain letters are just sometimes random and no one really gives anyway…

Be careful with using the “Reply All” option whilst in contact online. Do you really want everyone to get this message or only the person who sent it to you?

The Internet was the result of some visionary thinking by people in the early 1960s who saw great potential value in allowing computers to share information on research and development in scientific and military fields. J.C.R. Licklider of MIT, first proposed a global network of computers in 1962, and moved over to the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) in late 1962 to head the work to develop it. Leonard Kleinrock of MIT and later UCLA developed the theory of packet switching, which was to form the basis of Internet connections. Lawrence Roberts of MIT connected a Massachusetts computer with a California computer in 1965 over dial-up telephone lines. It showed the feasibility of wide area networking, but also showed that the telephone line's circuit switching was inadequate. Kleinrock's packet switching theory was confirmed. Roberts moved over to DARPA in 1966 and developed his plan for ARPANET. These visionaries and many more left unnamed here are the real founders of the Internet.

When the late Senator Ted Kennedy heard in 1968 that the pioneering Massachusetts company BBN had won the ARPA contract for an "interface message processor (IMP)," he sent a congratulatory telegram to BBN for their ecumenical spirit in winning the "interfaith message processor" contract.
The Internet, then known as ARPANET, was brought online in 1969 under a contract let by the renamed Advanced Research Projects Agency (ARPA) which initially connected four major computers at universities in the southwestern US (UCLA, Stanford Research Institute, UCSB, and the University of Utah). The contract was carried out by BBN of Cambridge, MA under Bob Kahn and went online in December 1969. By June 1970, MIT, Harvard, BBN, and Systems Development Corp (SDC) in Santa Monica, Cal. were added. By January 1971, Stanford, MIT's Lincoln Labs, Carnegie-Mellon, and Case-Western Reserve U were added. In months to come, NASA/Ames, Mitre, Burroughs, RAND, and the U of Illinois plugged in.

Charley Kline at UCLA sent the first packets on ARPANet as he tried to connect to Stanford Research Institute on Oct 29, 1969. The system crashed as he reached the G in LOGIN!

The Internet was designed in part to provide a communications network that would work even if some of the sites were destroyed by nuclear attack. If the most direct route was not available, routers would direct traffic around the network via alternate routes.

The early Internet was used by computer experts, engineers, scientists, and librarians. There was nothing friendly about it. There were no home or office personal computers in those days, and anyone who used it, whether a computer professional or an engineer or scientist or librarian, had to learn to use a very complex system.

Did Al Gore invent the Internet?

According to a CNN transcript of an interview with Wolf Blitzer, Al Gore said,"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet." Al Gore was not yet in Congress in 1969 when ARPANET started or in 1974 when the term Internet first came into use. Gore was elected to Congress in 1976. In fairness, Bob Kahn and Vint Cerf acknowledge in a paper titled Al Gore and the Internet that Gore has probably done more than any other elected official to support the growth and development of the Internet from the 1970's to the present .

E-mail was adapted for ARPANET by Ray Tomlinson of BBN in 1972. He picked the @ symbol from the available symbols on his teletype to link the username and address. The telnet protocol, enabling logging on to a remote computer, was published as a Request for Comments (RFC) in 1972. RFC's are a means of sharing developmental work throughout community. The ftp protocol, enabling file transfers between Internet sites, was published as an RFC in 1973, and from then on RFC's were available electronically to anyone who had use of the ftp protocol.

Libraries began automating and networking their catalogs in the late 1960s independent from ARPA. The visionary Frederick G. Kilgour of the Ohio College Library Center (now OCLC, Inc.) led networking of Ohio libraries during the '60s and '70s. In the mid 1970s more regional consortia from New England, the Southwest states, and the Middle Atlantic states, etc., joined with Ohio to form a national, later international, network. Automated catalogs, not very user-friendly at first, became available to the world, first through telnet or the awkward IBM variant TN3270 and only many years later, through the web.

Ethernet, a protocol for many local networks, appeared in 1974, an outgrowth of Harvard student Bob Metcalfe's dissertation on "Packet Networks." The dissertation was initially rejected by the University for not being analytical enough. It later won acceptance when he added some more equations to it.

The Internet matured in the 70's as a result of the TCP/IP architecture first proposed by Bob Kahn at BBN and further developed by Kahn and Vint Cerf at Stanford and others throughout the 70's. It was adopted by the Defense Department in 1980 replacing the earlier Network Control Protocol (NCP) and universally adopted by 1983.

Originally Posted By: Frank Burns

Do not forward or create spam or chain letters. People would hate you to the max if you did this. It wastes time and has no point. Chain letters are just sometimes random and no one really gives anyway…

The Unix to Unix Copy Protocol (UUCP) was invented in 1978 at Bell Labs. Usenet was started in 1979 based on UUCP. Newsgroups, which are discussion groups focusing on a topic, followed, providing a means of exchanging information throughout the world . While Usenet is not considered as part of the Internet, since it does not share the use of TCP/IP, it linked unix systems around the world, and many Internet sites took advantage of the availability of newsgroups. It was a significant part of the community building that took place on the networks.

Similarly, BITNET (Because It's Time Network) connected IBM mainframes around the educational community and the world to provide mail services beginning in 1981. Listserv software was developed for this network and later others. Gateways were developed to connect BITNET with the Internet and allowed exchange of e-mail, particularly for e-mail discussion lists. These listservs and other forms of e-mail discussion lists formed another major element in the community building that was taking place.

In 1986, the National Science Foundation funded NSFNet as a cross country 56 Kbps backbone for the Internet. They maintained their sponsorship for nearly a decade, setting rules for its non-commercial government and research uses.

As the commands for e-mail, FTP, and telnet were standardized, it became a lot easier for non-technical people to learn to use the nets. It was not easy by today's standards by any means, but it did open up use of the Internet to many more people in universities in particular. Other departments besides the libraries, computer, physics, and engineering departments found ways to make good use of the nets--to communicate with colleagues around the world and to share files and resources.

While the number of sites on the Internet was small, it was fairly easy to keep track of the resources of interest that were available. But as more and more universities and organizations--and their libraries-- connected, the Internet became harder and harder to track. There was more and more need for tools to index the resources that were available.

The first effort, other than library catalogs, to index the Internet was created in 1989, as Peter Deutsch and his crew at McGill University in Montreal, created an archiver for ftp sites, which they named Archie. This software would periodically reach out to all known openly available ftp sites, list their files, and build a searchable index of the software. The commands to search Archie were unix commands, and it took some knowledge of unix to use it to its full capability.

McGill University, which hosted the first Archie, found out one day that half the Internet traffic going into Canada from the United States was accessing Archie. Administrators were concerned that the University was subsidizing such a volume of traffic, and closed down Archie to outside access. Fortunately, by that time, there were many more Archies available.

At about the same time, Brewster Kahle, then at Thinking Machines, Corp. developed his Wide Area Information Server (WAIS), which would index the full text of files in a database and allow searches of the files. There were several versions with varying degrees of complexity and capability developed, but the simplest of these were made available to everyone on the nets. At its peak, Thinking Machines maintained pointers to over 600 databases around the world which had been indexed by WAIS. They included such things as the full set of Usenet Frequently Asked Questions files, the full documentation of working papers such as RFC's by those developing the Internet's standards, and much more. Like Archie, its interface was far from intuitive, and it took some effort to learn to use it well.

Peter Scott of the University of Saskatchewan, recognizing the need to bring together information about all the telnet-accessible library catalogs on the web, as well as other telnet resources, brought out his Hytelnet catalog in 1990. It gave a single place to get information about library catalogs and other telnet resources and how to use them. He maintained it for years, and added HyWebCat in 1997 to provide information on web-based catalogs.

In 1991, the first really friendly interface to the Internet was developed at the University of Minnesota. The University wanted to develop a simple menu system to access files and information on campus through their local network. A debate followed between mainframe adherents and those who believed in smaller systems with client-server architecture. The mainframe adherents "won" the debate initially, but since the client-server advocates said they could put up a prototype very quickly, they were given the go-ahead to do a demonstration system. The demonstration system was called a gopher after the U of Minnesota mascot--the golden gopher. The gopher proved to be very prolific, and within a few years there were over 10,000 gophers around the world. It takes no knowledge of unix or computer architecture to use. In a gopher system, you type or click on a number to select the menu selection you want.

Gopher's usability was enhanced much more when the University of Nevada at Reno developed the VERONICA searchable index of gopher menus. It was purported to be an acronym for Very Easy Rodent-Oriented Netwide Index to Computerized Archives. A spider crawled gopher menus around the world, collecting links and retrieving them for the index. It was so popular that it was very hard to connect to, even though a number of other VERONICA sites were developed to ease the load. Similar indexing software was developed for single sites, called JUGHEAD (Jonzy's Universal Gopher Hierarchy Excavation And Display).

In 1989 another significant event took place in making the nets easier to use. Tim Berners-Lee and others at the European Laboratory for Particle Physics, more popularly known as CERN, proposed a new protocol for information distribution. This protocol, which became the World Wide Web in 1991, was based on hypertext--a system of embedding links in text to link to other text, which you have been using every time you selected a text link while reading these pages. Although started before gopher, it was slower to develop.

The development in 1993 of the graphical browser Mosaic by Marc Andreessen and his team at the National Center For Supercomputing Applications (NCSA) gave the protocol its big boost. Later, Andreessen moved to become the brains behind Netscape Corp., which produced the most successful graphical type of browser and server until Microsoft declared war and developed its MicroSoft Internet Explorer.

MICHAEL DERTOUZOS
1936-2001

The early days of the web was a confused period as many developers tried to put their personal stamp on ways the web should develop. The web was threatened with becoming a mass of unrelated protocols that would require different software for different applications. The visionary Michael Dertouzos of MIT's Laboratory for Computer Sciences persuaded Tim Berners-Lee and others to form the World Wide Web Consortium in 1994 to promote and develop standards for the Web. Proprietary plug-ins still abound for the web, but the Consortium has ensured that there are common standards present in every browser.

Since the Internet was initially funded by the government, it was originally limited to research, education, and government uses. Commercial uses were prohibited unless they directly served the goals of research and education. This policy continued until the early 90's, when independent commercial networks began to grow. It then became possible to route traffic across the country from one commercial site to another without passing through the government funded NSFNet Internet backbone.

Delphi was the first national commercial online service to offer Internet access to its subscribers. It opened up an email connection in July 1992 and full Internet service in November 1992. All pretenses of limitations on commercial use disappeared in May 1995 when the National Science Foundation ended its sponsorship of the Internet backbone, and all traffic relied on commercial networks. AOL, Prodigy, and CompuServe came online. Since commercial usage was so widespread by this time and educational institutions had been paying their own way for some time, the loss of NSF funding had no appreciable effect on costs.

Today, NSF funding has moved beyond supporting the backbone and higher educational institutions to building the K-12 and local public library accesses on the one hand, and the research on the massive high volume connections on the other.

Microsoft's full scale entry into the browser, server, and Internet Service Provider market completed the major shift over to a commercially based Internet. The release of Windows 98 in June 1998 with the Microsoft browser well integrated into the desktop shows Bill Gates' determination to capitalize on the enormous growth of the Internet. Microsoft's success over the past few years has brought court challenges to their dominance. We'll leave it up to you whether you think these battles should be played out in the courts or the marketplace.

During this period of enormous growth, businesses entering the Internet arena scrambled to find economic models that work. Free services supported by advertising shifted some of the direct costs away from the consumer--temporarily. Services such as Delphi offered free web pages, chat rooms, and message boards for community building. Online sales have grown rapidly for such products as books and music CDs and computers, but the profit margins are slim when price comparisons are so easy, and public trust in online security is still shaky. Business models that have worked well are portal sites, that try to provide everything for everybody, and live auctions. AOL's acquisition of Time-Warner was the largest merger in history when it took place and shows the enormous growth of Internet business! The stock market has had a rocky ride, swooping up and down as the new technology companies, the dot.com's encountered good news and bad. The decline in advertising income spelled doom for many dot.coms, and a major shakeout and search for better business models took place by the survivors.

A current trend with major implications for the future is the growth of high speed connections. 56K modems and the providers who supported them spread widely for a while, but this is the low end now. 56K is not fast enough to carry multimedia, such as sound and video except in low quality. But new technologies many times faster, such as cablemodems and digital subscriber lines (DSL) are predominant now.

Wireless has grown rapidly in the past few years, and travellers search for the wi-fi "hot spots" where they can connect while they are away from the home or office. Many airports, coffee bars, hotels and motels now routinely provide these services, some for a fee and some for free.

A next big growth area is the surge towards universal wireless access, where almost everywhere is a "hot spot". Municipal wi-fi or city-wide access, wiMAX offering broader ranges than wi-fi, EV-DO, 4g, and other formats will joust for dominance in the USA in the years ahead. The battle is both economic and political.

Another trend that is rapidly affecting web designers is the growth of smaller devices to connect to the Internet. Small tablets, pocket PCs, smart phones, ebooks, game machines, and even GPS devices are now capable of tapping into the web on the go, and many web pages are not designed to work on that scale.

As the Internet has become ubiquitous, faster, and increasingly accessible to non-technical communities, social networking and collaborative services have grown rapidly, enabling people to communicate and share interests in many more ways. Sites like Facebook, Twitter, Linked-In, YouTube, Flickr, Second Life, delicious, blogs, wikis, and many more let people of all ages rapidly share their interests of the moment with others everywhere.

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"Just the facts, ma'am."
This, the best known quote from the Jack Webb series Dragnet, was never said by Sgt. Friday in any of the Dragnet radio or television series. The quote was, however, adopted in the 1987 Dragnet pseudo-parody film starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks in which Aykroyd played Sgt. Joe Friday.
Correct versions:
"All we want are the facts, ma'am."
"All we know are the facts, ma'am."

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.", Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz (played by Judy Garland)
This phrase was never uttered by the character. What she really said was Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more.

“Nice guys finish last.” Leo Durocher (1906–1991), US baseball manager.
As reported in the biography, Nice Guys Finish Last, (by Leo Durocher, with Ed Linn, Simon & Schuster, 1975), Durocher’s remark was his reply to being asked his opinion of the 1946 New York Giants. He actually said “Take a look at them. All nice guys. They’ll finish last. Nice guys – finish last.” Elision of the subordinate conjunction in the final sentence turned an evaluation into a declaration that nice people are doomed to failure.

“The two most common elements in the Universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity.” Harlan Ellison (born May 27, 1934), US author.
Although stated by Ellison in a non-fiction essay in the mid-1960s, this quote has been frequently misattributed to Frank Zappa. In Zappa's autobiography, The Real Frank Zappa Book (1989), on page 239, Zappa does make a similar comment: "Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe."

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
A misquotation from the poem “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1834).
Actual quote: Water, water, every where, / And all the boards did shrink; / Water, water, every where, / Nor any drop to drink.

Luke, I am Your Father – Darth Vader in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
The correct quote is:
Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke Skywalker: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No. I am your father.
Luke Skywalker: No... that's not true! That's impossible!
Possibly from the movie Tommy Boy

"The Celestial Kingdom is so great that if you were able to see it you'd kill yourself just to get there..." – Joseph Smith the LDS (Mormon) first prophet
This is a common tale told in Mormon sermons. It is intended to inspire the parishioners into understanding glory of the Lowest kingdom of heaven, therefore inspiring the listener to wonder the glory of the Terrestrial Kingdom and the Celestial Kingdom
External Research on the subject and possible origins of the quote.

"Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum, I smell the blood of Englishman, Be him alive or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread."
Should this be quoting from Joseph Jacobs' English Fairy Tales it should say "Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum, I smell the blood of Englishman, Be him alive or be he dead, I'll have his bones to grind my bread." but of course, most people aren't trying to.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall..." – The Queen in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
The correct quote is "Magic mirror on the wall” (followed by "who is the fairest one of all?" and, later in the film, "who now is the fairest one of all?") The misquotation does however echo the original Grimm "Spieglein, Spieglein, an der Wand, Wer ist die Schönste im ganzen Land?" (but the story existed before Grimm).

"'Step into my parlor,' said the spider to the fly."
Actual quote: "Will you walk into my parlor?" said the spider to the fly" from "The Spider and the Fly".
Also referenced on the song "Spider to the Fly" by the Paper Chase

"If you build it, they will come"
Actual quote: "If you build it, he will come" from Field of Dreams.
Possibly a confusion of the Wayne's World 2 quote "If you book them, they will come." Said by the spirit of Jim Morrison.

"A rose by any other name smells just as sweet."
Actual quote: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet."
The quote is found in Act II, scene ii of William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet – the well-known "Balcony Scene" in which Juliet declares that it is but Romeo's name that is the crime of their passion.
Captain Kirk misquotes the line in the original Star Trek series episode "Is There In Truth No Beaut

Only the Dead have seen the end of War.
Attributed to Plato, but actually written by George Santayana in his The Life of Reason (1953). It was first misquoted in one of retired general Douglas MacArthur's farewell speeches and then crept into popular use.

I am the devil, and I have come to do the devil's work.
Usually misattributed to Charles Manson, in regard to the murders at the home of Sharon Tate. Manson was not present at any of the murders known to have been committed by his followers. The actual phrase, though not as said above, was uttered by Charles "Tex" Watson to Wojciech "Voytek" Frykowski.
Actual quote: "I'm the devil, I'm here to do the devil's business. Give me all your money.

I'm out of order? You're out of order! This whole court's out of order!
Actual quote: "You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order!"
Character of Arthur Kirkland in ...And Justice for All in response to Judge Rayford saying "Mr. Kirkland, you are out of order."

Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten me into
Attributed to Oliver Hardy, and often said after another one of Stan Laurel's mistakes.
The actual quote was "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!", which was said in the 1930's short The Hardy Murder Case although there were several variations in subsequent films. The short which followed The Hardy Murder Case was Another Fine Mess, which is presumably the source.
Ray Stevens later recorded a song that quoted "Here's another fine mess you've gotten me into / another fine mess, ah well, what else is new."

Hello, Clarice.
This line, while occasionally used in parody of the film The Silence of the Lambs, was never once used in the film itself. However, Anthony Hopkins's character, Hannibal Lecter, does at one point utter a similar phrase of "Good evening, Clarice." On the other hand in the sequel Hannibal, when the doctor answers detective Pazzi's cell phone, just before he pushes him off the library balcony, Dr. Lecter greets Agent Starling with the following, "Is this Clarice? Well, hello Clarice..."

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
While Jack Nicholson does indeed say the second part of this line in the film A Few Good Men, the correct dialogue sequence is: "You want answers?" "I want the truth!" "You can't handle the truth!" Cruise's character, in response to being asked if he wants answers, responds that he thinks he is entitled; asked again if he wants answers, Cruise states that he wants the truth. This sets off the monologue from Nicholson that begins with "You can't handle the truth!" This misquotation is commonly used in parodies of the scene, including twice on The Simpsons.

Let them eat cake.
This was never said by Marie Antoinette. Jean-Jacques Rousseau, in his 1783 autobiography Confessions, relates that "a great princess" is said to have advised, with regard to starving peasants, "S’ils n’ont plus de pain, qu’ils mangent de la brioche," commonly translated as "If they have no bread, let them eat cake!" It has been speculated that he was actually referring to Maria Theresa of Spain.

My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
This famous line is spoken by Tom Hanks, playing Forrest Gump in the 1994 film of the same name. However, in Winston Groom's original novel, the "box of chocolates" line is rather different: "Bein' an idiot ain't no box of chocolates." Groom reportedly dislikes the change

"I woke up this mornin' and I got myself a beer."
Correctly, according to the book "Light My Fire" by fellow Doors member Ray Manzarek, Jim Morrison was in fact singing "I woke up this mornin' and I got myself a beard", as the song allegedly tells of Morrison waking up after 3 weeks of drug induced sleep.
The line "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer" was inspired by Alice Cooper. He and Morrison were talking at the recording studio just before Jim went to record this song. He asked Alice about his day and he responded "Ehh.. Woke up this morning.... got myself a beer." Morrison decided to use the line in the song. Repeated in many interviews with Alice Cooper over the years.

"Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words."
Often attributed to Francis of Assisi, the origin of this quote is unknown.

"Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains."
Often attributed to Winston Churchill. [5], The phrase originated with Francois Guisot (1787-1874): "Not to be a republican at twenty is proof of want of heart; to be one at thirty is proof of want of head." It was revived by French Premier Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929): "Not to be a socialist at twenty is proof of want of heart; to be one at thirty is proof of want of head."

"Crisis? What crisis?"- British Prime Minister James Callaghan
This was a headline from The Sun newspaper (11 January 1979) referring to Callaghan's reply at an improvised press conference. Asked "What is your general approach, in view of the mounting chaos in the country at the moment?", Callaghan replied "Well, that's a judgment that you are making. I promise you that if you look at it from outside, and perhaps you're taking rather a parochial view at the moment, I don't think that other people in the world would share the view that there is mounting chaos."

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
This quote is often attributed to Sigmund Freud to show that even that a famous psychoanalyst can admit that not everything has a profound meaning; However, no variation of this quote ever appears in his writings. It was probably falsely attributed by a journalist, long after Freud's death.
Actually, the quote is "Sometimes a pipe is just a pipe." The story goes that Freud was lecturing on oral fixation and one of his cheekier students asked about his ever-present pipe and Freud replied, sometimes a pipe is just a pipe.
An alternative from Rudyard Kipling, from his poem "The Betrothed":
"A million surplus Maggies are willing to bear the yoke;
And a woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke."

"'We don't need no steenking badges!" – Bandit in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
The original quote is "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinkin' badges!"
This quote is actually from the film Blazing Saddles, in an obvious spoof of the original source.
When the newly recruited Mexican Bandits are presented badges for their participation in the upcoming raid on the town of Rock Ridge, the leader responds with: "Badges? We don't need no stinking badges."
The line was again misquoted in the movie The Ninth Configuration, in which a group of mental patients spend their time playing a game called "Famous Lines from Famous Movies" where one person quotes a line and the rest must identify the movie.
This is also quoted in the Weird Al Yankovic film UHF, with 'badges' replaced with 'badgers'.

"Spare the rod, spoil the child"
There are numerous proverbs dealing with the subject of discipline in childrearing, but this is the closest: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." – Bible (King James Version), Proverbs 13:24
This quote can be found in "Hudibras" by Samuel Butler a poem in the 1600's

"Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes."
This quotation is usually attributed to Andrew Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans.
In fact, it originates with Colonel William Prescott commander of George Washington's Continental Army, at the Battle of Bunker Hill. The full quotation is, "Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes. Then, fire low!"
Source: George Washington's War by Robert Leckie

"Houston, we have a problem"
This phrase, supposedly uttered by Apollo 13 commander, Jim Lovell was, in its original rendering: "Houston, we've had a problem here. We've had a main B bus undervolt". However, the first notification to Houston that there was a problem was by fellow astronaut Jack Swigert, who used almost identical words. The official Nasa chronology [3] lists the messages as:
55:55:20 – Swigert: "Okay, Houston, we've had a problem here."
55:55:28 – Lousma: "This is Houston. Say again please."
55:55:35 – Lovell: "Houston, we've had a problem. We've had a main B bus undervolt."
However, in the movie Apollo 13, Tom Hanks says Houston, we have a problem

"Whenever I hear the word 'culture' I reach for my revolver."
The actual quote is "Wenn ich Kultur höre ... entsichere ich meinen Browning!" This translates as: "Whenever I hear [the word] 'culture'... I remove the safety from my Browning!"
This quote is often mistakenly attributed to leading Nazi Hermann Goering, or occasionally to Julius Streicher, a lower-ranking Nazi. This misattribution may date from the famous Frank Capra documentaries (Why We Fight) shown to American troops before shipping out.
In fact, it is a line uttered by the character Thiemann in Act 1, Scene 1 of the play Schlageter, written by Hanns Johst. The association with Nazism is appropriate, as the play was first performed in April 1933, in honor of Hitler's birthday.
Baldur von Schirach, head of the Hitlerjugend, delivered this sentence in a public speech, circa 1938. A footage of the scene, with von Schirach actually drawing his gun, appears in Frederic Rossif's documentary "from Nurnberg to Nurnberg".
Notes: It is possible that this is actually a rather more felicitous phrase in translation than it is in the original. Both the original German and this English translation were juxtaposed by Howard Thomas in his review of an article by Nicholas H. Battey in the Journal of Experimental Biology, December 2002, as "the famous words of Hanns Johst: 'Wenn ich Kultur höre ... entsichere ich meinen Browning' – 'Whenever I hear the word culture, I reach for my revolver.'"
The phrase itself may be a play on words as the word Browning may refer to both a pistol and the English poet Robert Browning.
Additionally it should be noted that a Browning (most likely the M1935 High-Power) is not a revolver, but a magazine-fed semi-automatic pistol. However, at the time the word "Browning" was used to refer to any pistol, much as "Colt" is used for any revolver in westerns.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"
The correct quotation is "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/ Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." by William Congreve in The Mourning Bride of 1697.
"Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes."

"Do you feel lucky, punk?" – Clint Eastwood as Harry Callahan in Dirty Harry
Correct quote plus context: "Ah-ah. I know what you're thinking: 'Did he fire six shots, or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But, being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, PUNK?"
Jim Carrey's character in The Mask paraphrased Harry Callahan by speaking this misquote.

"You dirty rat!"
Never said by James Cagney in any film. However, in Blonde Crazy (1931) he says that another character is a "dirty, double-crossing rat!"
Also quoted in the 1934 Cole Porter musical Anything Goes
Also quoted in the 1990 movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by the character Michelangelo in an attempt to impersonate James Cagney

"Why don't you come up and see me sometime?"
Correct quote: "Why don't you come up sometime and see me? I'm home every evening." – Mae West (She Done Him Wrong)
She switched the word order in her next film, I'm No Angel, where she does say "Come up and see me sometime", but without the "Why don't you".
A mechanical mouse in a Tom and Jerry cartoon repeated "come up and see me sometime."

"I am not a crook" Richard Nixon
Often attributed to his denial of any foreknowledge of the Watergate break-in, when in fact the question raised in a Press Conference was about his personal finances. Nixon's response, properly worded, was: "People have a right to know whether their President is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook."

"Greed is good"
Actual quote: "The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works." – Michael Douglas (Wall Street)

"Play it again, Sam"
Actual quote: "Play it once, Sam, for old times' sake, play 'As Time Goes By'." – Ingrid Bergman (Casablanca)
Actual quote: "You played it for her, you can play it for me. ... If she can stand to listen to it, I can. Play it." – Humphrey Bogart (Casablanca)
Note: Woody Allen paid homage to Casablanca under the title Play It Again, Sam, which is likely the source of much such misquotation.
The line first occurred in the Marx Brothers' film A Night in Casablanca (1946), another possible source of the misquotation.

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Christmas Tree History

The use of evergreen trees to celebrate the winter season occurred before the birth of Christ.
The first decorated Christmas was in Riga, Latvia in 1510.
The first printed reference to Christmas trees appeared in Germany in 1531.
Nineteenth century Americans cut their trees in nearby forests.

Christmas trees have been sold commercially in the United states since about 1850. Until fairly recently, all Christmas trees came from the forest.

The first Christmas tree retail lot in the United States was started in 1851 in New York by Mark Carr.

In 1900, large stores started to erect big illuminated Christmas trees.
Christmas trees and the environment

Growing Christmas trees provides a habitat for wildlife.

Recycled trees have been used to make sand and soil erosion barriers and been placed in ponds for fish shelter.

Christmas trees remove dust and pollen from the air.

Artificial trees will last for six years in your home, but for centuries in a landfill.

59 percent of real Christmas trees harvested are recycled in community programs.

An acre of Christmas trees provides for the daily oxygen requirements of 18 people.

Artificial / Fake Trees

In 2002, 21% of United States households had a real tree, 48% had an artificial tree and 32% had no tree.

Most fake (artificial) trees (85%) in the U.S. are imported from China. Almost 10 Million fake trees were sold worldwide in 2003. The U.S. Commerce Dept. tracks the Import of Fake Trees

Real Christmas trees are involved in less than one-tenth of one percent of residential fires and only when ignited by some external ignition sources.

Thirty-four to thirty-six million Christmas trees are produced each year and 95 percent are shipped or sold directly from Christmas tree farms.

28 million Christmas trees were sold in 2001.

More than one million acres of land have been planted in Christmas trees. The industry employs over 100,000 people. Many Christmas tree growers grow trees on a part-time basis to supplement farm and non-farm income.

More than 2,000 trees are usually planted per acre. On an average 1,000-1,500 of these trees will survive. In the North, maybe, 750 trees will remain. Almost all trees require shearing to attain the Christmas tree shape. At six to seven feet, trees are ready for harvest. It fighting heavy rain, wind, hail, pests and drought to get a mature tree.

Christmas trees take an average of 7-10 years to mature.

100,000 people are employed in the Christmas tree industry.

98 percent of all Christmas trees are grown on farms.

How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

What is Rudolph favourite day of the year?

Red nose day!

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?

A Snowy Sleighstation!

Mary said to Santa, "what's that out-side?"
Santa replied "it's Reindeer (Rain Dear)"

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
Because he didn't want to be recognised!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
"Horn"-aments!

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!"

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

SANTA'S PICK UP LINES
I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Assorted X-mas One-Liners
A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"

Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"

I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where a
ll the bad girls live.

No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.

No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!

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During the making of the animated Christmas classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, Peanuts creator Charles Schulz had a meeting with Lee Mendelson, the show’s producer, and Bill Melendez, its lead animator. The discussion concerned Schulz’s insistence about including a New Testament scripture reading of the Christmas story from the Bible. The scripture reading was to be spoken by Peanuts character Linus Van Pelt in response to Charlie Brown’s lament, “Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?” Mendelson and Melendez both voiced their concern about the reading, with Melendez telling Schulz, “It’s very dangerous for us to start talking about religion now.” Schulz answered him by saying, “Bill, if we don’t, who will?” In the end, the scripture reading was retained, and the CBS special was the second-most watched show of the week when it debuted on December 9, 1965.

Linus’ King James version scripture reading from Luke 2: 8-14, read:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

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A Pit bull is any of several breeds of dog in the molosser breed group. Popular perceptions that the breeds are inherently violent, or that they have the same temperament but are more physically dangerous in an attack than other dogs, have made concern over pit bull attacks a popular topic of local journalism, and sometimes a source of minor public panic. This reputation has also led to the Pit bull's dominant position in illegal dog fighting and guard dog roles. Debates around restricting ownership of these dogs as a public hazard are highly contentious. Widely reported pit bull attacks have resulted in breed-specific legislation being enacted in several jurisdictions, and in increased premiums for liability insurance. Some airlines have placed restrictions on air travel for pit bulls.

Though the pit bull type dogs were all created with similar crossbreeding between bulldogs and terriers, each individual breed within the type has a somewhat different history. There are an estimated 77.5 million owned dogs in the United States; however, the number of pit bull-type dogs has not been reliably determined.

The American pit bull terrier is the product of interbreeding between terriers and a breed of bulldogs to produce a dog that combined the gameness of the terrier with the strength and athleticism of the bulldog.These dogs were initially bred in England and arrived in the United States with the founders. In the United States, these dogs were used as catch dogs for semi-wild cattle and hogs, to hunt, to drive livestock, and as family companions. Some have been selectively bred for their fighting prowess.

The United Kennel Club (UKC) was the first registry to recognize the American pit bull terrier.[12] UKC founder C. Z. Bennett assigned UKC registration number 1 to his own dog, "Bennett's Ring", as an American pit bull terrier in 1898.
American pit bull terriers successfully fill the role of companion dog, police dog,and therapy dog.Terriers in general have a higher tendency towards dog aggressionand American pit bull terriers constitute the majority of dogs used for illegal dog fighting in the United States. In addition, law enforcement organizations report these dogs are used for other nefarious purposes, such as guarding illegal narcotics operations,use against the police,and as attack dogs.

The fighting reputation of pit bull-type dogs led the San Francisco Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in 1996 to relabel pit bull terriers as "St. Francis terriers" (not associated with the "terrier" mascot of St. Francis College in New York) so that they might be more readily adopted;60 temperament-screened dogs were adopted until the program was halted after several of the newly adopted dogs killed cats.The New York City Center for Animal Care and Control tried a similar approach in 2004 by relabeling their pit bull terriers as "New Yorkies", but dropped the idea in the face of overwhelming public

The American Staffordshire terrier was the product of 19th century interbreeding between bulldogs and terriers that produced the "bull-and-terrier dog", "Half and Half", and at times "pit dog" or "pit bullterrier," the last named becoming the "Staffordshire bull terrier" in England. The bulldog of that time differed from the modern Bulldog, having a full muzzle and a long, tapering tail. There is some debate whether the White English terrier, the Black and Tan terrier, the Fox terrier or some combination thereof were used. These dogs began to find their way into America as early as 1870 where they became known as pit dog, pit bull terrier, later American bull terrier, and still later as Yankee terrier.They were imported primarily, but not exclusively, for pit fighting.

A limited number of studies have been performed on the number of human deaths due to bite trauma caused by dogs, and have generally surveyed news media stories for reports of dog bite-related fatalities. This methodology is subject to several potential sources of error: some fatal attacks may not have been reported; a study might not find all of the relevant news reports; and the potential for misidentification of dog breeds, although courts in the United States and Canada have ruled that expert identification, when using published breed standards, is sufficient for the enforcement of breed-specific legislation. It is possible to distinguish dogs by breed using DNA testing,but test results for any one dog can vary widely depending upon the laboratory that performs the test and the number of purebred dog breeds in the laboratory's DNA database.

There is no evidence for the existence of a physiological "locking mechanism" in the teeth or jaw structure of normal pit bull-type dogs,[33] although a dog's jaws can be locked in a closed position by surgically correctable jaw abnormalities.Despite the lack of a physiological "jaw locking" mechanism, pit bull-type dogs often exhibit "bite, hold, and shake" behavior and refuse to release when biting; methods to force pit bull-type dogs to release their grip include breaking an ammonia ampule and holding it up to the dog's nose, or using a "break stick" to lever the dog's jaws open if it bites a person or animal.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) published in 2000 a study on dog bite-related fatalities (DBRF) that covered the years 1979–1998. The study found reports of 238 people killed by dogs over the 24-year period, of which "pit bull terrier" or mixes thereof were reportedly responsible for killing 76, or about 32 percent, of the people killed by dogs in the attacks identified in the study. The breed with the next-highest number of attributed fatalities was the Rottweiler and mixes thereof, with 44 fatalities or about 18 percent of the study-identified fatalities. In aggregate, pit bulls, Rottweilers, and mixes thereof were involved in about 50% of the fatalities identified over the 20-year period covered by the study, and for 67% of the DBRF reported in the final two years studied (1997–1998), concluding

"It is extremely unlikely that they [pit bull-type dogs and Rottweilers] accounted for anywhere near 60% of dogs in the United States during that same period and, thus, there appears to be a breed-specific problem with fatalities."[8]
The report's authors went on to say:
"Although the fatality data are concerning, one must broaden the context to consider both fatal and nonfatal bites when deciding on a course of action. ...[A] 36% increase in medically attended bites from 1986 to 1994 draws attention to the need for an effective response, including dog bite prevention programs. Because fatal bites constitute less than 0.00001% of all dog bites annually, fatal bites have remained relatively constant over time, whereas nonfatal bites have been increasing, and fatal bites are rare at the usual political level where bite regulations are promulgated and enforced, we believe that fatal bites should not be the primary factor driving public policy regarding dog bite prevention."
The report's authors suggested that "generic non–breed-specific, dangerous dog laws can be enacted that place primary responsibility for a dog's behavior on the owner, regardless of the dog's breed. In particular, targeting chronically irresponsible dog owners may be effective."

The latest CDC "Dog Bite: Fact Sheet" includes a disclaimer regarding this study, saying that
"it does not identify specific breeds that are most likely to bite or kill, and thus is not appropriate for policy-making decisions related to the topic. Each year, 4.7 million Americans are bitten by dogs. These bites result in approximately 16 fatalities; about 0.0002 percent of the total number of people bitten. These relatively few fatalities offer the only available information about breeds involved in dog bites. There is currently no accurate way to identify the number of dogs of a particular breed, and consequently no measure to determine which breeds are more likely to bite or kill."

An electronic search of newspaper articles by Dr. Malathi Raghavan, DVM, PhD, found that pit bull terriers were responsible for 1 of 28 (3.6%) dog bite-related fatalities reported in Canada from 1990 through 2007.

A large number of jurisdictions have enacted breed-specific legislation (BSL) in response to a number of well-publicized incidents involving pit bull-type dogs, and some government organizations such as the United States Army[40] and Marine Corps have taken administrative action as well. These actions range from outright bans on the possession of pit bull-type dogs to restrictions and conditions on pit bull ownership, and often establish a legal presumption that a pit bull-type dog is prima facie a legally "dangerous" or "vicious" dog. In response, some state-level governments in the United States have prohibited or restricted the ability of municipal governments within those states to enact breed-specific legislation, though these prohibitions on breed-specific legislation do not affect military installations located within these states.
It is now generally settled in case law that jurisdictions in the United States and Canada have the right to enact breed-specific legislation; however, the appropriateness and effectiveness of breed-specific legislation in preventing dog bite fatalities is disputed.One point of view is that pit bulls are a public safety issue that merits actions such as banning ownership, mandatory spay/neuter for all pit bulls, mandatory microchip implants and liability insurance, or prohibiting people convicted of a felony from owning pit bulls.Another point of view is that comprehensive "dog bite" legislation, coupled with better consumer education and legally mandating responsible pet keeping practices, is a better solution to the problem of dangerous dogs than breed-specific legislation.

A third point of view is that breed-specific legislation should not ban breeds entirely but should strictly regulate the conditions under which specific breeds could be owned, e.g., forbidding certain classes of individuals from owning them, specifying public areas from which they would be prohibited, and establishing conditions, such as requiring a dog to wear a muzzle, for taking dogs from specific breeds into public places. Finally, some governments, such as in Australia, have forbidden the import of specific breeds and are requiring the spay/neuter of all existing dogs of these breeds in an attempt to slowly eliminate the population through natural attrition.

In May 2010, Lennox, a bulldog lab mix, was removed from his home in Belfast, Northern Ireland. The United Kingdom has a ban on pitbull type dogs, and after Lennox displayed protective behaviors when strangers entered his home, the dog warden determined Lennox was a pitbull type dog and would be removed from the home and euthanized. Lennox's family has made legal appeals in an attempt to stay his execution. A DNA test proved that Lennox was actually a bulldog lab mix, not a pitbull, but the test has not been allowed to be submitted to the court as evidence. Professional dog trainers and animal behaviorists Victoria Stillwell and Mic Martin have spoken on behalf of Lennox, noting that his behavior is typical of any dog protecting their home.

Dog owners in the United States can be held legally liable for injuries inflicted or caused by their dogs. In general, owners are considered liable if they were unreasonably careless in handling or restraining the dog, or if they knew beforehand that the dog had a tendency to cause injury (e.g., bite); however, dog owners are automatically considered liable if local laws hold an owner strictly liable for all damage caused by their dog, regardless of carelessness or foreknowledge of a dog's tendencies. Homeowners and renters insurance policies typically provide liability coverage from US$100,000–300,000 for injuries inflicted by dogs;[54] however, some insurance companies limit their exposure to dog bite liability claims by putting restrictions on dog owners that they insure. These restrictions include refusing to cover dog bites under the insurance policy; increasing insurance rates for homeowners with specific breeds; requiring owners of specific breeds to take special training or have their dogs pass the American Kennel Club Canine Good Citizen test; requiring owners to restrict their dogs with muzzles, chains, or enclosures; and refusing to write policies for homeowners or renters who have specific breeds of dogs. In Ohio, which has declared all pit bull-type dogs to be legally "vicious", the cost of special liability insurance that covers only the damage inflicted by a pit bull-type dog can exceed US$575 per year.

Owners of rental properties may also be held liable if they knew an aggressive dog was living on their property and they did nothing to ensure the safety of other tenants at the property; as a result, many rental properties forbid pit bull-type dogs and any other breeds if the rental property's insurance will not cover damage inflicted by that type of dog. The dog breeds most often targeted by insurance companies include pit bull-type dogs, Rottweilers, German Shepherd Dogs, Doberman Pinschers, Akitas (Akita Inu and American Akita), and Chows.

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"Beulah red" is the name of the red marble that gives the Colorado State Capitol its distinctive splendor. Cutting, polishing, and installing the marble in the Capitol took six years, from 1894 to 1900. All of the "Beulah red" marble in the world went into the Capitol. It cannot be replaced, at any price.

Florissant Fossil Beds National Monument near Cripple Creek is a lesson in history set in the one-time shadow of the Guffey Volcano. The volcano erupted millions of years ago, creating fossils and leaving the valley filled with petrified trees.

John Henry "Doc" Holliday's brief and tumultuous existence led him to Glenwood Springs where he succumbed to tuberculosis and died at the Hotel Glenwood on November 8, 1887.

Abundant nesting and migrating birds and other native animals provide a "world-class" watchable wildlife experience. Bald eagles and other raptors, sandhill cranes, shore birds and water birds can be seen seasonally at San Luis Lakes near Alamosa.

Colorado is the only state in history, to turn down the Olympics. In 1976 the Winter Olympics were planned to be held in Denver. 62% of all state Voters choose at almost the last minute not to host the Olympics, because of the cost, pollution and population boom it would have on the State Of Colorado, and the City of Denver.

Colorado's first and oldest military post, Fort Garland was established in 1858 and commanded by the legendary frontiersman Kit Carson.

In 1859, John Gregory discovered "The Gregory Lode" in a gulch near Central City. Within two weeks, the gold rush was on and within two months the population grew to 10,000 people in search of their fortune. It came to be known as "The Richest Square Mile on Earth".

There are nearly 20 rivers whose headwaters begin in Colorado, with the Continental Divide directing each river's course.

The Colorado Rockies play at the 50,000 seat Coors Field, located in downtown Denver.

Built in 1867 by Seth Lake, the Astor House in Golden was the first stone hotel built west of the Mississippi River.

Colorado's southwest corner borders Arizona, New Mexico and Utah the only place in America where the corners of four states meet.

The United States Air Force Academy is located in Colorado Springs.

The world's largest flat-top mountain is in Grand Mesa.

In Fruita, the town folk celebrate 'Mike the Headless Chicken Day'. Seems that a farmer named L.A. Olsen cut off Mike's head on September 10, 1945 in anticipation of a chicken dinner - and Mike lived for another 4 years without a head.

The world's largest natural hot springs pool located in Glenwood Springs. The two-block long pool is across the street from the historic Hotel Colorado, a favorite stop of former president Teddy Roosevelt.

The LoDo region of Denver stands for Lower Downtown.

Denver, lays claim to the invention of the cheeseburger. The trademark for the name Cheeseburger was awarded in 1935 to Louis Ballast.

The highest paved road in North America is the Road to Mt. Evans off of I-70 from Idaho Springs. The Road climbs up to 14,258 Ft. above sea level.

Colorado means “colored red” and is known as the “Centennial State.”

The highest suspension bridge in the world is over the Royal Gorge near Canon City. The Royal Gorge Bridge spans the Arkansas River at a height of 1,053 feet.

The Durango & Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad continues to provide year round train service operating a historical train with rolling stock indigenous to the line. The line was constructed primarily to haul mine ores, both gold and silver, from the San Juan Mountains.

The Durango and Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad has been in continuous operation since 1881 and has appeared in more than a dozen movies including How the West Was Won (1963) and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969).

The Kit Carson County Carousel in Burlington dates back to 1905, making it the oldest wooden merry-go-round in the United States. It is the only wooden carousel in America still with its original paint.

The United States federal government owns more than 1/3 of the land in Colorado.

Colorado contains 75% of the land area of the U.S. with an altitude over 10,000 feet.

Colorado has 222 state wildlife areas.

Colfax Avenue in Denver is the longest continuous street in America.

The 13th step of the state capital building in Denver is exactly 1 mile high above sea level.

The Dwight Eisenhower Memorial Tunnel between Clear Creek & Summit counties is the highest auto tunnel in the world. Bored at an elevation of 11,000 feet under the Continental Divide it is 8,960 feet long and the average daily traffic exceeds 26,000 vehicles.

Leadville is the highest incorporated city in the United States at 10,430 feet elevation. Because there was lots of "silver" named towns at the time, the founding fathers suggested Leadville.

Katherine Lee Bates wrote “America the Beautiful” after being inspired by the view from Pikes Peak.

Hundreds of thousands of valentines are re-mailed each year from Loveland.
Fountain, has the distinction of being the United States' millennium city because it best symbolizes the overall composition of America. Fountain is the most accurate representation of the American "melting pot." Fountain was chosen after a Queens College sociologist crunched Census Bureau statistics in an effort to find the one city in the country that best represented the population make-up of the United States.

Pueblo is the only city in America with four living recipients of the Medal of Honor.

The tallest building in Colorado is the Republic Plaza at 57 stories high, in Denver.

Every year Denver host the worlds largest Rodeo, the Western Stock show.

Denver has the largest city park system in the nation with 205 parks in City limits and 20,000 Acres of parks in the nearby mountains.

Dove Creek is the "Pinto Bean" capital of the world.

The tallest sand dune in America is in Great Sand Dunes National Monument outside of Alamosa. This bizarre 46,000-acre landscape of 700-foot sand peaks was the creation of ocean waters and wind more than one million years ago.

The World's First Rodeo was held on July 4th, 1869 in Deer Trail.

Lieutenant Zebulon Montgomery Pike explored the southwest portion of the Louisiana Territory in 1806 and though he never climbed the peak that bears his name, he did publish a report that attracted a lot of interest to the area.

The slogan of "Pikes Peak or Bust," painted across many of the prairie schooners, was born at a time as fortune hunters headed west. Although only a handful of those who flocked to the region ever found gold.

At 14,110 feet above sea level over 400,000 people ascend Pikes Peak each year.

The aptly named town of Twin Lakes lays adjacent two natural lakes at the foot of Colorado's highest Fourteener, Mt. Elbert.

The Colorado Rockies are part of the North American Cordillera, which stretches 3,000 miles from Alaska, through western Canada and the United States, into northern Mexico. The centerpieces of this dramatic uplift are the peaks over 14,000 feet, or "Fourteeners", as they are affectionately referred to by climbers. There are 52 Fourteeners in Colorado.

Rocky Ford has been dubbed the "melon capital of the world."

The Yampa River below the northwest town of Craig holds northern pike in the 20-pound range, while the Roaring Fork and Frying Pan rivers are prime spots for trout fishing.

Colorado has the highest mean altitude of all the states.

Mesa Verde features an elaborate four-story city carved in the cliffs by the Ancestral Pueblo people between 600 and 1300 A.D. The mystery surrounding this ancient cultural landmark is the sudden disappearance of the thousands of inhabitants who created the more than 4,000 identified structures.

Colorado has more microbreweries per capita than any other state.

Dumb Colorado Laws

Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
Colorado Springs

Dumb Colorado Laws

It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Crippe Creek

It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.

Dumb Colorado Laws

The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.

It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

You may not drive a black car on Sundays.

Dumb Colorado Laws

It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
Logan County

It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
Pueblo

Dumb Colorado Laws

It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
Sterling

Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a human with a skunk?

A: A skunk that smells so bad it has to use a deodorant!

Q: What do you get when you cross a human with a 500 pound gorilla?

A: Someone who pollutes anywhere they want to!

Q: What is it when one human calls another human an animal?

A: Flattery.

Q: Why did humans invent writing?

A: So they could remember what their instincts are.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Computer: Insufficient information.

Q: Have you read the book "Go to Warp 9..."?
A: It's by: N. Gage

Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?
A: It's by: Anne Droid

Q: Have you read the book "Damn it Jim"?
A: It's by: Ima Doctor and Nada Bricklayer.

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: All of them!

Q: What is Captain Picards biggest pet peeve?
A: When they replace his dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals.

Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?
A: It's by: I. Kiptin

Q: What did one Borg say to one another right before their ship was
destroyed in sector zero zero one?
A: Hoisted by our own Picard.

Q: Did you hear about the new uniform making machine on the Enterprise?
A: Piccard told Riker to "Make it sew, Number One."

Q: What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A: A croaking device.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: TWO: One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and
take all of the credit.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE: Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.

Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?

A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead",
Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically,
McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and
"Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!",
Kirk to screw it in,
and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

Q: What kind of noise is made my Vulcan popguns?
A: T'Pau (an atrocious ""classic"", ed.)

Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.

Q: Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes?
A: Cats keep trying to cover them up.

Q: How did T'Pring's parents react when they learned she was not
marrying Spock?
A: They were Stonned.

The new ensign reported to sickbay for her physical. When stripped, Dr.
McCoy
nodded approvingly. "You look nice and trim. "Thanks," she answered. "I
weigh
one hundred pounds stripped for gym."
McCoy shook his head. "That guy has all the luck!"

Q: How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"

Mr. Spock: " A Syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give
me an example."
Sulu: "Mudd's Women!"

Mr. Spock: "What is formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er... apple or blueberry, sir?"

Then there was the time Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a
peephole into her cabin door. Captain Kirk promised to look into it.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.

Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY_ONE: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to
self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

Q: Why don't the Borg go to prison?
A: Because they obey the Lore!

Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Because it assimilated the chicken!

Q: Where do the Borg eat fast food?
A: At their local Borger King!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.

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Franklin Pierce (November 23, 1804 – October 8, 1869) was the 14th President of the United States (1853–1857) and is the only President from New Hampshire. Pierce was a Democrat and a "doughface" (a Northerner with Southern sympathies) who served in the U.S. House of Representatives and the Senate. Pierce took part in the Mexican-American War and became a brigadier general in the Army. His private law practice in his home state, New Hampshire, was so successful that he was offered several important positions, which he turned down. Later, he was nominated as the party's candidate for president on the 49th ballot at the 1852 Democratic National Convention. In the presidential election, Pierce and his running mate William R. King won by a landslide in the Electoral College. They defeated the Whig Party ticket of Winfield Scott and William A. Graham by a 50 percent to 44 percent margin in the popular vote and 254 to 42 in the electoral vote.

Franklin Pierce

His amiable personality and handsome appearance caused him to make many friends, but he suffered tragedy in his personal life. As president, he made many divisive decisions which were widely criticized and earned him a reputation as one of the worst presidents in U.S. history. Pierce's popularity in the Northern states declined sharply after he came out in favor of the Kansas–Nebraska Act, replacing the Missouri Compromise (which had been declared unconstitional by the U.S. Supreme Court), and renewing the debate over expanding slavery in the American West. Pierce's credibility was further damaged when several of his diplomats issued the Ostend Manifesto. Historian David Potter concludes that the Ostend Manifesto and the Kansas-Nebraska Act were "the two great calamities of the Franklin Pierce administration.... Both brought down an avalanche of public criticism." More importantly, says Potter, they permanently discredited the Manifest Destiny and "popular sovereignty" as political doctrines.

Franklin Pierce

Abandoned by his party, Pierce was not renominated to run in the 1856 presidential election and was replaced by James Buchanan as the Democratic candidate. After losing the Democratic nomination, Pierce continued his lifelong struggle with alcoholism as his marriage to Jane Means Appleton Pierce fell apart. His reputation was destroyed during the Civil War when he declared support for the Confederacy, and personal correspondence between Pierce and the Confederate President Jefferson Davis was leaked to the press. Pierce died in 1869 from cirrhosis of the liver.

Franklin Pierce

Philip B. Kunhardt and Peter W. Kunhardt reflected the views of many historians when they wrote in The American President that Pierce was "a good man who didn't understand his own shortcomings. He was genuinely religious, he loved his wife, and he reshaped himself so that he could adapt to her ways and show her true affection. He was one of the most popular men in New Hampshire, polite and thoughtful, easy, and good at the political game, charming and fine and handsome. However, he has been criticized as timid and unable to cope with a changing America."

Franklin Pierce quotes

It must be felt that there is no national security but in the nation's humble, acknowledged dependence upon God and His overruling providence

Franklin Pierce quotes

A Republic without parties is a complete anomaly. The histories of all popular governments show absurd is the idea of their attempting to exist without parties.

Franklin Pierce quotes

It is no paradox to say that although comparatively weak the new-born nation [America] was intrinsically strong. Inconsiderable in population and apparent resources, it was upheld by a broad and intelligent comprehension of rights and an all-pervading purpose to maintain them, stronger than armaments. It came from the furnace of the Revolution, tempered to the necessities of the times. The thoughts of the men of that day were as practical as their sentiments were patriotic. They wasted no portion of their energies upon idle and delusive speculations, but with a firm and fearless step advanced beyond the governmental landmarks which had hitherto circumscribed the limits of human freedom and planted their standard, where it has stood against dangers which have threatened from abroad, and internal agitation, which has at times fearfully menaced at home. They proved themselves equal to the solution of the great problem, to understand which their minds had been illuminated by the dawning lights of the Revolution. The object sought was not a thing dreamed of; it was a thing realized. They had exhibited only the power to achieve, but, what all history affirms to be so much more unusual, the capacity to maintain. The oppressed throughout the world from that day to the present have turned their eyes hitherward, not to find those lights extinguished or to fear lest they should wane, but to be constantly cheered by their steady and increasing radiance.

Franklin Pierce quotes

The founders of the Republic dealt with things as they were presented to them, in a spirit of self-sacrificing patriotism, and, as time has proved, with a comprehensive wisdom which it will always be safe for us to consult.

The dangers of a concentration of all power in the general government of a confederacy so vast as ours are too obvious to be disregarded.

Franklin Pierce quotes

Frequently the more trifling the subject, the more animated and protracted the discussion.

If the Federal Government will confine itself to the exercise of powers clearly granted by the Constitution, it can hardly happen that its action upon any question should endanger the institutions of the States or interfere with their right to manage matters strictly domestic according to the will of their own people.

Franklin Pierce quotes

An Administration would be unworthy of confidence at home or respect abroad should it cease to be influenced by the conviction that no apparent advantage can be purchased at a price so dear as that of national wrong or dishonor.

If your past is limited, your future is boundless.

Franklin Pierce quotes

With the Union my best and dearest earthly hopes are entwined. Without it what are we individually or collectively? What becomes of the noblest field ever opened for the advancement of our race in religion, in government, in the arts, and in all that dignifies and adorns mankind? From that radiant constellation which both illumines our own way and points out to struggling nations their course, let but a single star be lost, and, if these be not utter darkness, the luster of the whole is dimmed.

BEST DUMPING LINES
(To dispose of an unwanted boyfriend or girlfriend)

95. There's been a death in the family. My hamster. Sorry.
-AcidAngel-

96. If you don't leave me alone now, I'll blow your frickin head off with my Glock 9mm, Bitch!
-Bonko the Homicidal Krazy Clown from HELL! -

97. How do you feel about (sex) relations with Irish Setters?
-Ian Rotten of the Ian Rotten Band -

98. Sorry, I just never realized how ugly you are.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -

99. Time for you to go - I gotta reduce the number of dependents that I claim on my W2.
-Cig&Brew -

100. "Don't forgive, dump me!"
-Nicki Squires -

BEST DUMPING LINES

88. I'm no longer worthy of you (Keep repeating until s/he agrees with you)
-De Ole Sarge-

89. I used to think size didn't matter, but in your case I have made an exception... so I'm leaving you for bigger and better things. My ex-boyfriend Bruno just came back into town. He finished serving his sentence and is dying to meet you.
-URHistory -

90. Could we reschedule our date for later? I have to go down to the tar pits to worship my dark lord Friday at Midnight.
-Spoogy-

91. Get the hell away from me!! I'm so fricken sick of you!!
-Ashley-

92. I want you to meet my family. My mom is an OBGYN specializing in fertility treatments, and my dad does microsurgical vasectomy reversals. They are so excited that I'm dating someone nice!
-jabernet-

93. Are you into horses and stuff? I know I am... I also like sheep. They give you that warm feeling. Hello? Are you still there?
-MadSector -

94. Yell "FIRE!!!!!!!" and run, never stopping or looking back.
- Jason"The answer guy" H-

BEST DUMPING LINES

77. Now that I'm sober...I remembered...I'm married and have a kid and live in Nebraska. I don't know why I am in St.Louis, and can I have the key to these handcuffs? Please, I need to go home.
-Jason"The answer guy" H-

78. THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M DYING OF CANCER SO I THINK YOU BETTER FIND SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE I'M ONLY EXPECTED TO LIVE FOR 6 MONTHS.
-KELLY -

79. Two simple words. "I am gay"
-Petrie Hosermouth -

80. Drop them off at the grocery store and never go pick 'em up.
-S'mores -

81. Hey, did you know that you could leave any time now?? Yeah, I think I made it clear when I started making out with someone else over there!
-I.M. Retard -

82. Hum, sing, whistle 50 ways to lose your lover constantly.
-Priscilla -

83. "I'm sleeping with my brother."
-Jim Bob Bill -

84. Thank you for taking the time to participate in this survey.
-Riffraff -

85. Excuse me, but I'm moving to Antarctica tomorrow to start work on important governmental research. See ya!
-Chinchilla -

86. Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you.
-Malissa -

87. Can I borrow that cute little blue teddy and heels?
-some guy -

65. Your mom told me you were gay.
-Freddy-

66. I'd like to help you out. Now which way did you come in?
-Some one like Meg -

67. I can't figure out what sex you are, even after having sex with you.
-Jimmy Rae -

68. I have finished my unfinished business with you.
-anonymous -

69. I love you so much! Let's get married! I want to have lots of children and get a big house and a mortgage and a minivan and....
-Charlene -

70. How about "You're an immature, selfish jerk who couldn't do a goddamn thing for me even if you cared, which you obviously don't, so stop bugging me with your stupid so-called problems and leave me the fCENSOREDk alone." That usually works for me.
-Lee Ving-

71. Here's the phone number of my doctor, I think you and he should talk....
-<<Ogre>>-

72. You smell funny and no, I don't like the way you kiss, I do think it's weird that you like to sing showtunes while having sex... oh wait, that was Mark, wasn't it?
-anonymous -

73. Send a dozen dead roses with a note: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!"
-Beelzabub -

74. F*uck off, asshole (assholette?) I find direct honesty is always the best policy.
-Like I'd say! -

75. GADZOOKS! You're just not as NEARLY as attractive as you are after 10 beers, two shots of vodka, half a bottle of wine, and a Captain Morgan and Coke with a twist of lime!
-Alkyholic -

76. "Well, um..."(utilizing big googly eyes of course)" ...my individual mind patterns are breaking down from the appearance of you ... meep..." at this critical point, scream, "Your fault, your fault" until you finally drive them away at a sprint.
-tripped over my tongue LMac -

dumping lines

53. Well, whatever you do, don't propose a "menage a twoi" like Seinfeld did.
-Suomynona-

54. The judge changed my kid's visitation schedule.
-De Ole Sarge-

55. I can't meet your needs for the foreseeable future because I find working on my site and hanging out with my net pals far more absorbing than conversing with you or even looking at your face, actually.
-Damn, I've been looking for an excuse this good for years! Thank God for the Cold War!!-

56. Hi, I am Elvis Shortliver!
-Elvis Shortliver-

57. You look too much like my sister/brother, I can't see you anymore.
-Keggers-

58. I don't want you as a boyfriend, no we can't still be friends..and, oh, by the way you're ugly too.
-Mako-

59. Sorry, you don't make the flag on my mailbox go up anymore. (for females)
-Suzie Q -

60. I'm considering suicide because after being with you, hell should be a breeze.
-Jason -

61. Goodbye. I don't want to see you again. Goodbye, I don't even wanna be your friend. So get out now before I call security.
@@@Thw Wonderful Tatum@@@

62. For women: I've been thinking about us getting married. For men: Does your friend like three-somes?
-Captain Pyro -

63. Mom says I'm too good for you.
-Unanimous Visitor -

64. You looked better when I was drinking.
-anonymous -

dumping lines

41. I have to break it off. I've been seeing someone else and they told me I had to choose. Besides, your mother doesn't snore as loud.
-Jason -

42. My ex had a much bigger.. (this is where you get smacked)
-WhiteFireDragon -

43. Buh-bye. What part don't you understand -- the "buh" or the "bye"? Buh-bye.
-Da RanMan -

44. "Help, I'm an idiot. I can't see you anymore!!!" (And run away)
-Dennis the RPG master-

45. Don't say anything to her. Call 911.
-Hoff -

46. The rabbit died and he was not yours.
-Sapphire -

47. Look at my horoscope! "...a new love in your life..." Well, gotta follow my guiding star...
-Kogito -

48. Bob, I'd like you to meet Roy.... he's your new replacement.
-Wicked Wench of the West -

49. I find that if you tell 'em straight-up to go away, they just want you more (Go figure?). Perhaps moaning someone else's name right before....ya' know....might do it.
-dome -

50. We've been going out for a while, and I think we're ready to go to the next level... have you heard the good news about Amway?
-First M. Last -

51. Sing "Kyle's Mom is a Sutpid Bitch in D Minor", but substitute their name for Kyle's mom.
-just some guy -

52. Forget bothering with actually dumping him/her, just sign up to the witness protection program and never speak to them again.
-RAVEN-

dumping lines

29. You know, if God actually stopped and thought about it, I'm pretty sure he could think of something better to do with skin rather than hold your sorry ass together.
-Hearth Cat -

30. Send them your obituary.
-Anna -

31. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, sob, sob, I know what you did you bastard!!!! WAAAAAAAAAH! I hate you! Then you run away, but it works best if he didn't do anything.
-GeniusGirl -

32. You're a really great guy..You don't know how much I love you..You mean everything to me... NOW LEAVE!!! AND NEVER COME BACK!!!
-MADLaLa -

33. I really like you. . . So does my wife.
-Jason -

34. I want a baby.
-De Ole Sarge-

35. Know what? You smell funny. Bill's cuter too...
-Klumsy Kelly-

36. Let's just be friends. (scary isn't it?)
-Bird of Prey-

37. Good-bye, and NO, we cannot still be friends!
-Stephen Britton -

38. Just 'cause I am the President of the United States doesn't mean we still can't be friends.
-REDDWARF-

39. I'd like to meet your ex.
-De Ole Sarge-

40. None, just spell out "you're dumped" on their car with dead hamsters soaked in gasoline and set alight whilst buggering a duck in front of them....
-celestial-

dumping lines

19. Piss off wanker.
(NOTE: We here at Ow! were not really sure if this was a submission for the 100 dumping lines or if was actually directed at us)
-seewhy -

20. Remember when I asked you out?? Well.... I was talking to the guy behind you!
-Nicole -

21. I was only hanging around with you because I wanted to get in your mom's pants
-SLY -

22. Don't you just love when leeches get into your pants?
-Mac Aronie -

23. "I break with thee... I break with thee.. I break with thee.. and then throw dog-poop on her/his shoes" (Steve Martin)
-anonymous-

24. It's me not you.
-Na' Chew-

25. It's you, not me...I mean it's me, not you.
-anonymous-

26. It's not you...it's me...well ok..it is you.
-Aurora-

27. I'm sorry I never told you but I'm gay. I've been fighting it, and if anyone could have converted me it would have been you. However, I succumb. Ciao!
-Dick Wicks -

28. I can forgive everything else about you, even the fact that you are 9 years older than me, have a 10 year old daughter, are getting a divorce, can't have any more kids, don't have a job, or a car, and the fact that you don't have a high school diploma. All that is fine. (then just stop calling)
-i knew he was a loser -

dumping lines

1. I need more time and more space. That's why I'm moving 12 hours and 7 states away. Yeah sure I'll call you ...the minute I get there.
-Later4U -

2. Break up? (get out magic 8 ball) All signs point to YES.
-Jimmy Corrona -

3. Answering machine: "Hi, I'm not home right now, If you're Jerry, hang up, if you are any other available male, press two now."
-C.J. -

4. Dear Baby: Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU
-Homer Simpson -

5. All my friends at the gay bar said I should go through with the sex change, what do you think?
-Johnny B. Bad -

6. The mothership has returned and I must leave. Pay no attention to my android double when you see it.
-De Ole Sarge-

7. You've become so incredibly unattractive during these last few minutes, that I don't want to invest any more time trying to have sex with you.
-cmdolando -

8. Sorry, but my leprosy is acting up again. Are you going to eat those fries?
-simian-

9. Do you think the ceiling needs painting? (Timing is everything with this one.)
-De Ole Sarge-

10. Oh, hi Julie...erm...Amanda? Judy? Oh, I remember now, its Cindy, right? Tanya? Does it start with a 'T'?
-Disco -

11. You remind me of my dead ex-husband... Let's get married.
-Black Widow -

12. I'm awfully sorry, but I have asexual tendencies...
-If I told you, I'd have to kill you -

13. Would you like to meet my last girlfriend? Really, its no problem, she's still chained up in my basement.
-Hey you -

14. "I'm dying...and I can't ask you to watch me slowly fade away....Please, go now and remember me as I am"
-Pegasus -

15. (Note: this one comes to you courtesy of Homer Simpson.) Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
-Melkor -

16. No, seriously, I thought you were a man the whole time we were dating.
-Mad Anthony Wayne -

17. I got us tickets to Yanni!
-Delilah Smud Puddle -

18. "If I have to sell my body to get the money to divorce you, I will!"
-always the EX never the wife -

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WISP (WILL O' THE WISP): The Will o' the wisp can be found in numerous folk tales around the British Isles, and is often a malicious character in the stories.

WRAITH: The exact likeness of a living person seen usually just before death as an apparition.

SPOOK: A spirit returning to haunt a place. Their main goal is to get you good and scared.

UNDEAD: They are restless spirits, souls caught in the void between life and death.

SPECTER (SPECTRE): A specter is a (usually terrifying) phantom, apparition, or ghost, or an unreal appearance. It is common in some folklore and mythology.

SPIRIT: The spirit was part of a person while he was alive. Therefore, “The Lord be with you”—“and with thy spirit”.

SHADE: A Shade is a soul after its separation from the body, also known as a disembodied spirit.

SHADOW PEOPLE: Some believe that Shadow People are beings or entities that are at a different vibrational level than we are.

POLTERGEIST (NOISY GHOST): Notorious for audible noises such as footsteps, dropping dishes from a shelf, or even hurling objects across a room. They are usually the chief perpetrators in haunted house reports.

RESIDUAL HAUNTING: Residual Haunting are often considered a photo in time or leftover energy from the past. some type of horrific landmark in time playing itself over and over in a certain location, ( i.e. battlegrounds).

PHANTASM: Something apparently seen but having no physical reality, an imaginative mental image.

PHANTOM: Some say it is any kind of figment of the imagination, something apparently seen, heard, or sensed, but having no physical reality such as an illusion.

MANIFEST THOUGHT FORM: The Manifest Thought Form's most common appearance is that of a dark misty shroud that prevails within an area, followed closely by an extremely dark, ugly floating mass or a pitch black grotesque figure or shape.

ORB: Orbs have always held a special place in mythology including the sun, planets and moon. In modern times, earthbound orbs are captured on camera.

HUNGRY GHOST: In the Chinese tradition, a class of beings ever discontent and anguished because of being unable to satisfy their greed.

INTER-DIMENSIONAL BEINGS: Probably one of the most common inter-dimensional experience is the grayish human-like silhouette normally most visible in a quiet, dim lit area and most often seen through peripheral vision.

GHOST SHIP: Many ships disappear in the dark waters, but many of them do show up again... as phantom ships.

HOLY SPIRIT (HOLY GHOST): The Holy Ghost is the Third Person of the Blessed Trinity in Christian religions. We first meet the Holy Spirit in the second verse of the Bible, hovering there, speaking the world into existence.

ANGRY GHOST: In Japanese tradition, if the soul of the dead is not purified, it can return to the land of the living in the guise of a ghost.

APPARITION: The phenomenon where the ghost takes on a physical form that can be seen. These often appear to be transparent, faint (or washed out in appearance) or disfigured. Their appearance is normally for very short period of time. Apparitions of animals, humans, and even inanimate objects have been seen.

BHUTA (GAYAL): The Hindu Bhūta is a type of evil spirit. It is especially the evil ghost of a man who has died due to execution, accident, or suicide.

CRISIS APPARITION: This is a visual phenomenon that usually happens spontaneously. This type of apparition are more likely to manifest in moments of crisis.

DEVINE APPARITION (MARIAN APPARITION): Supernatural apparitions of divine forces have been known in every religion since ancient times. Marian Apparitions are the most frequent of all miraculous phenomena within the Catholic Church.

DOPPELGANGER: A ghostly double or counterpart of a living person. Some consider them to be like the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of the alter-ego.

EARTHBOUND SPIRIT: They are here for a reason; they may have guilt over leaving a love one behind or an important message that needs to be told. Some do not realize they are dead.

ECTOPLASM: Ghost smoke! Ectoplasm seems to be as a result of localized electro-magnetic disturbance, which is in turn caused by the presence of a paranormal entity.

FAMILIAR GHOST: Includes relatives, lovers, children or friends who have passed over and may still visit from time to time.

FAMILIAR SPIRIT: A spirit (usually in animal form) that acts as an assistant to a witch or wizard. In the Bible the representation of a demon.

GHOST: Ghost is created in part by way of spirit, and spirit by way of breath.

GHOST HOUND: Some phantom hounds were headless, while others had one head (or even multiple heads). It was common for some to have one large eye or glowing red eyes. A few of the apparitions were even said to have wings and walk on their hind legs.

Q: What time is it if five demons are chasing you?
A: Five after one and time to run!

Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you're a mouse.

Q. The maker doesn't want it. The buyer doesn't use it. The user doesn't see it. What is it? A. A coffin!

Knock, Knock. Who's there?
Phillip! Phillip who?
Phillip my bag with candy!

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the whenwolves.

Q: What's a cold, evil candle called?
A: The wicked wick of the north.

Q: What's a goblin's favorite flavor?
A: Lemon Slime.

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween?
A: Tweets.

Q. Why was the mummy so tense?
A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?
A. Over the ghoul line.

Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married?
A. Newlywebs!

Q. What can't you give the headless horseman?
A. A headache.

Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A. Give him screws.

Q. What's a monsters favorite desert?
A. Ice-Scream!

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape.

Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
A. Wrap music!

Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q. What is a Skeleton's favorite song.
A. Bad to the Bone.

Q. Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights?
A. He's all bone and no muscle.

Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating?
A. Bone appetite!

Q. What's a monster's favorite bean?
A. A human bean.

Q. What do you call a little monsters parents?
A. mummy and deady

Q: What instrument does a skeleton play?
A: A trombone.

Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
A. Sherlock Bones.

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A. Napoleon bone-apart

Q. Why do skeletons drink milk?
A. To help their bones!

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?
A. Fangsgiving.

Q. What happened when two vampires met?
A. It was love at first bite!

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A. The Vampire State Building.

Q. How does a girl vampire flirt?
A. She bats her eyes.

Skeleton Jokes
Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A. He had no body to dance with.

Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?
A: It was a stake sandwich.

Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A. He was all bite and no bark.

Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A. At the casketeria.

Q. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
A. Because of his coffin.

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
A. He heard it had great circulation.

A visiting professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said ’goats’!"

$\:lol\:$ $\:damn\:$ $\:whoa\:$

$\:\)$

History In 1993, Puerto Rico celebrated the 500th anniversary of its discovery by Colombus. Settled by explorer Juan Ponce de Leon, the Island was a Spanish possession for over four centuries. Puerto Rico came under United States sovereignty by thr Treaty of Paris signed on December 10, 1898, terminating the Spanish-American War. Puerto Ricans have been US citizens since 1917. In July 1950, the US Congress enacted Public Law 600. It provided that existing laws which defined the political, economic, and fiscal realtionship between Puerto Rico and the United States should remain in full force. It also authorized Puerto Rico to draft and approve its own Constitution, which took effect on July 25, 1952. Puerto Rico’s relationship with the US is referred to as commonwealth status.

Political Trends For many years there have been two major views in Puerto Rico with respect to the Island’s relationship with the United States, one favoring commonwealth status and the other favoring statehood. A small group supports independence for Puerto Rico. Voters supporting a continuing relationship for Puerto Rico with the United States Mainland have dominated Island elections over the years.

Part of the USA Puerto Rico is part of the US. There are no travel restrictions to other US areas and no customs duties or quotas on shipments between Puerto Rico and the US Mainland. Products manufactured in Puerto Rico are “Made in the USA”. The people of Puerto Rico do not vote in national elections. They are represented in Congress by a Resident Commissioner who has a voice in the House of Representatives but no vote. Most federal taxes are not levied in Puerto Rico. No federal income tax is collected from island residents on ordinary income, except in cases of Federal employees.

Geography Puerto Rico measures 100 miles by 35 miles with an area of 3,464 square miles. Topography varies from coastal flat lands to mountainous central highlands.

Climate Trade winds ensure year-round subtropical weather. The average temperature is 74 degrees F., however, highland areas are cooler. Rainfall is abundant along the north coast and in the highlands, light along the south coast.
Population Puerto Rico has 3.8 million people – the great majority of which are US citizens. Today, Island residents live in substantial middle-class circumstances, characterized by modern urban services and amenities. About 3.8 million Puerto Ricans also reside on the US Mainland.

Population Puerto Rico has 3.8 million people – the great majority of which are US citizens. Today, Island residents live in substantial middle-class circumstances, characterized by modern urban services and amenities. About 3.8 million Puerto Ricans also reside on the US Mainland.

Government A democracy within the US Constitutional system, Puerto Rico’s government consists of Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches, with all elective positions tested by the ballot every four years. Legal protection is provided by the Constitutions of Puerto Rico and United States, with ultimate appeal to the US Supreme Court

Language Spanish and English are the official languages of Puerto Rico. English is a compulsory second language in schools and is widely used in business, industry, research, and education.

Education Compulsory universal education is enforced. Some 800,000 students are enrolled in public and private elementary and high schools; 160,000 students are enrolled in universities, colleges, and professional and technical schools. Of Island college students, 54% are 20-24 years of age, one of the highest world attendance rates in this age group

Labor Force Of the 1.2 million in the Island’s labor force, one million are employed and some 200,000 are seeking employment. Of the total work force, 75% has 12 or more years of schooling; one-third has completed or has had some college education.

Human Resources Heavy public and private investment in education and special training programs has created a world-class work force in Puerto Rico. US Census figures show the Island has over 4,500 engineers, 7,700 engineering technicians, 1,200 computer programmers, 700 chemist and biochemists, 35,000 precision mechanics and repairers, and 30,000 technical production workers.

Productivity Puerto Rico has one of the world’s highest productivity ratios. Value-added in Puerto Rico’s factories amounts to $10.02 for every dollar of production worker wages, which is double the mainland US average for manufacturing of $4.64, according to the US Census of Business. Based on rates of growth data over time, a comparison of manufacturing productivity show the following ranking:
Japan 1
Puerto Rico 2
United Kingdom 3
United States 4
Canada 5

Profitability The profit-to-sales ratio for Island manufacturing (34.8%) is about seven times higher than the comparable Mainland US ratio (4.8%). Puerto Rico’s manufacturing profit-to-equity ratio (34.4%) is more than three time the mainland average (10.3%)

Export/Import Comparison In fiscal 1992, Puerto Rico’s total trade reached $36.2 billion, a greater value of external trade than all other Caribbean Basin nations combined. It is also higher than any Western Hemisphere country south of the US except Brazil and Mexico. Island merchandise exports of $21.1 billion in fiscal 1992 exceeded imports of $15.2 billion for a creditable $5.9 billion positive trade balance.

Manufacturing Industries Manufacturing is the largest sector in the economy of Puerto Rico in terms of Gross Domestic Product (GDP). In fiscal 1992, manufacturing generated $13.2 billion, or 39% of GDP

Most of the Island’s manufacturing output is shipped to the mainland United States, which is also the principal source of imports required by Island industrialists. Prestigious corporations, many of them listed in the Fortune 500, currently operate large-scale production facilities in Puerto Rico.

Banking System Part of the US banking system insured by the FDIC, Puerto Rico’s commercial bank assets exceeded $23 billion as of December 1992. Currency is the US dollar. Major US, European and local banks operate on the Island

Carne Guisada III

By: FIVEBRIGS

"The Perfect Puerto Rican Meal. Everywhere you go this is the one of the main dishes that is served. It goes very well served over steamed rice."

15 Min Cook Time:
2 Hrs Ready In:
2 Hrs 15 Min
Servings

1 (8 ounce) can canned tomato sauce
1/4 cup sofrito sauce
1 (.18 ounce) packet sazon seasoning
1 tablespoon adobo seasoning
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
salt to taste
2 pounds beef stew meat
2 cups peeled, cubed potatoes
1 cup water
Directions

In a large pot, combine tomato sauce, sofrito sauce, sazon seasoning, adobo seasoning, oregano, and salt. Simmer over medium low heat for 5 minutes. Add meat, and cook until evenly browned. Stir in just enough water to cover meat. Cover, and simmer for about 1 hour. Add potatoes, and cook for about 30 minutes or until potatoes are tender.

Puerto Rican Garlic Marinade

By: FIVEBRIGS

"This sauce/marinade goes well with any type of meat. It gives lots of flavor, the longer the meat marinades, the more flavorful it will be."

Original Recipe Yield 8 servings

Ingredients

1/2 cup olive oil
4 teaspoons crushed garlic
1 tablespoon salt
2 1/2 teaspoons black pepper
Directions

In a blender or food processor, combine olive oil, garlic, salt, and pepper. Process for 3 to 5 minutes.

Puerto Rican Coquito

"Coquito is a coconut tasting beverage originating from Puerto Rico, popular during the Christmas season. My grandmother and my mother use to prepare it as I was growing up, and the tradition has stayed with me!"

Original Recipe Yield 5 cups

Ingredients

1/2 cup water
1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 cup dark rum
2 (15 ounce) cans coconut milk
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 pinch salt

Directions

Pour the water, milk, rum, and coconut milk into a blender. Add the cinnamon and salt. Blend until well combined, then refrigerate for at least one hour, or until ready to serve.

Pollo (Chicken) Fricassee from Puerto Rico

By: MarisLatinTwist

"This is the authentic way to make Pollo Fricassee in Puerto Rico. You can either make in on the stove or in your slow cooker. It is delicious and very easy to make! Serve with white rice, tostones and a nice salad. This tastes even better when you prepare the night before; just take it out of the refrigerator the next morning set it to cook."

40 Min Cook Time:
6 Hrs Ready In:
6 Hrs 40 Min
Servings

Original Recipe Yield 4 servings

Ingredients

1 pound chicken drumsticks
1 tablespoon adobo seasoning
1/2 (.18 ounce) packet sazon seasoning
1/2 teaspoon salt
5 large red potatoes, peeled and thickly sliced
1 large red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 large green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 large onion, chopped
5 cloves garlic, minced
1 bunch fresh cilantro, chopped
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 cup dry red wine
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon dried oregano
2 fresh or dried bay leaves

Puerto Rican Tostones (Fried Plantains)

By: Lymari
"Crispy fried plantains. A plantain is a very firm banana. Serve as side dish with your meal or as appetizers."

Prep Time:
5 Min Cook Time:
5 Min Ready In:
10 Min
Servings

Original Recipe Yield 2 servings

Ingredients

5 tablespoons oil for frying
1 plantains, peeled and broken into chunks
3 cups cold water
salt to taste
Directions

Heat the oil in a large skillet. Place the plantains in the oil and fry on both sides; approximately 3 1/2 minutes per side.
Remove the plantains from the pan and flatten the plantains by placing a plate over the fried plantains and pressing down.
Dip the plantains in water, then return them to the hot oil and fry 1 minute on each side. Salt to taste and serve immediately.

Coquito II

By: GISELLE73

"This a traditional Puerto Rican eggnog. I am Crucian-Puerto Rican (from St. Croix, VI) and we enjoy this made with our own Cruzan Rum. So, kick up your feet and enjoy!"

Original Recipe Yield 1 gallon

Ingredients

6 egg yolks
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
4 tablespoons vanilla extract
1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
5 (12 fluid ounce) cans evaporated milk
1 (10 ounce) can unsweetened coconut milk
1 (14 ounce) can cream of coconut
4 1/4 cups light rum

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February

American Heart Month
An Affair to Remember Month
Black History Month

February

Canned Food Month

Creative Romance Month

Great American Pie Month

February

7 Wave All you Fingers at Your Neighbor Day

7 Send a Card to a Friend Day - obviously created by a card company

7 Winter Olympics - Not until 2014

february

8 Boy Scout Day - celebrates the birthday of scouting

8 Kite Flying Day - in the middle of winter!?!

9 Toothache Day

february

10 Umbrella Day

11 Don't Cry over Spilled Milk Day

11 Make a Friend Day

february

11 White T-Shirt Day

12 Abraham Lincoln's Birthday

12 Plum Pudding Day

february

13 Clean out Your Computer Day - second Monday of Month

13 Get a Different Name Day

14 Ferris Wheel Day

february

14 National Organ Donor Day

14 Valentine's Day

15 Candlemas - on the Julian Calendar

february

15 National Gum Drop Day

15 Singles Awareness Day

16 Do a Grouch a Favor Day

february

17 Random Acts of Kindness Day

18 National Battery Day

19 National Chocolate Mint Day

february

20 Cherry Pie Day

20 Hoodie Hoo Day

20 Love Your Pet Day

february

20 President's Day - third Monday of month

21 Card Reading Day

22 George Washington's Birthday

february

22 Be Humble Day

22 Walking the Dog Day

22 International World Thinking Day

february

23 International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day

23 Tennis Day

24 National Tortilla Chip Day

february

25 Pistol Patent Day

26 Carnival Day

26 National Pistachio Day - it's a nutty day!

february

26 Tell a Fairy Tale Day

27 Polar Bear Day

27 No Brainer Day - this day is for me!

february

28 Floral Design Day

28 Public Sleeping Day

28 National Tooth Fairy Day - and/or August 22

29 Leap Day - 2012, once every four years

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

quotations about suicide

There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest -- whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories -- comes afterward. These are games; one must first answer.

ALBERT CAMUS, An Absurd Reasoning

quotations about suicide

f suicide be supposed a crime, 'tis only cowardice can impel us to it. If it be no crime, both prudence and courage should engage us to rid ourselves at once of existence, when it becomes a burden.

DAVID HUME, Essays on Suicide and the Immortality of the Soul

quotations about suicide

The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE, Beyond Good and Evil

quotations about suicide

If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will.

ANTONIN ARTAUD, "On Suicide"

quotations about suicide

When your principles seem to be demanding suicide, clearly it’s time to check your premises.

NATHANIEL BRANDEN, The Free Radical, Oct. 2004

quotations about suicide

In most cases, suicide is a solitary event and yet it has often far-reaching repercussions for many others. It is rather like throwing a stone into a pond; the ripples spread and spread.

ALISON WERTHEIMER, A Special Scar

quotations about suicide

Suicide creates a monstrous emotional upsurge of shame and guilt. Everyone participates in feeling responsible and even shamed at knowing the suicidal candidate. If these feelings are not healed the vampire of suicidal death can strike again and again.

LINDA LEE LANDON, Life After Suicide

quotations about suicide

When suicide is out of fashion we conclude that none but madmen destroy themselves; and all the efforts of courage appear chimerical to dastardly minds ... Nevertheless, how many instances are there, well attested, of men, in every other respect perfectly discreet, who, without remorse, rage, or despair, have quitted life for no other reason than because it was a burden to them, and have died with more composure than they lived?

DAVID HUME, Essays on Suicide and the Immortality of the Soul

quotations about suicide

Suicide may also be regarded as an experiment -- a question which man puts to Nature, trying to force her to answer. The question is this: What change will death produce in a man’s existence and in his insight into the nature of things? It is a clumsy experiment to make; for it involves the destruction of the very consciousness which puts the question and awaits the answer.

ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER, Parerga and Paralipomena

quotations about suicide

If suicide is allowed then everything is allowed. If anything is not allowed then suicide is not allowed. This throws a light on the nature of ethics, for suicide is, so to speak, the elementary sin. And when one investigates it it is like investigating mercury vapour in order to comprehend the nature of vapours.

LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN, Notebooks

I'm not disparaging suicides when I call them weak, I'm pointing out that anybody who would consider doing a thing like that needs help. I don't think a normal, mentally healthy person commits suicide.

JESSE VENTURA, I Ain't Got Time to Bleed

From the perspective of the one committing suicide, his or her act can be one of the most perverse forms of moral manipulation, as it abandons those left behind to their shame, guilt, and grief. Suicide is something like a metaphysical "I gotcha!" It is often an attempt to kill or wound others.

STANLEY HAUERWAS, The Hauerwas Reader

quotations about suicide

Suicide is the dumbest possible way of getting revenge. Why is that? Because the people you want to strike back at are the very same folks who won't even remember you a week after you're gone, while the people you want to spare most -- the people who love you -- are the ones who will have to live with the pain of your suicide for the rest of their lives.

DAVID J. LIEBERMAN, Instant Analysis

You realize that suicide's a criminal offense -- In less enlightened times they'd have hung you for it.

PETER COOK, Bedazzled

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

STEVEN WRIGHT, stand-up routine

quotations about suicide

The obsession with suicide is characteristic of the man who can neither live nor die, and whose attention never swerves from this double impossibility.

EMILE CIORAN, The New Gods

All suicides have the responsibility of fighting against the temptation of suicide. Every one of them knows very well in some corner of his soul that suicide, though a way out, is rather a mean and shabby one, and that it is nobler and finer to be conquered by life than to fall by one's own hand.

HERMANN HESSE, Steppenwolf

The only difference between a suicide and a martyrdom really is press coverage.

CHUCK PALAHNIUK, Survivor

You are certainly wrong to compare suicide ... with great accomplishments, since it cannot be considered as anything but a weakness. After all, it is easier to die than to endure a harrowing life with fortitude.

JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE, The Sorrows of Young Werther

quotations about suicide

Suicide is much easier and more acceptable in Hollywood than growing old gracefully.

JULIE BURCHILL, Girls on Film

Suicide is a whispered word, inappropriate for polite company. Family and friends often pretend they do not hear the word's dread sound even when it is uttered. For suicide is a taboo subject that stigmatizes not only the victim but the survivors as well.

EARL A. GROLLMAN, Suicide

The reality of suicide is far different from the fantasy. Most suicidal thinkers romanticize their death by suicide, failing to realize that any suicide gesture or attempt can result in permanent brain, kidney, or liver damage, loss of limbs, blindness, or even death.

SUSAN ROSE BLAUNER, How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me

1) Start with the wide end ("W") of your necktie on the right, extending about 12 inches below the narrow end ("N") on the left.

2) Then cross the wide end over the narrow end.

3) Turn the wide end back underneath the narrow end.

4) Continue by bringing the wide end back over in front of the narrow end again.

5) Then, pull the wide end up and through the loop around your neck.

6) Hold the front of the knot loosely with your index finger and bring the wide end down through the front loop.

7) At last, remove your finger and tighten the knot carefully to the collar by holding the narrow end and sliding the knot up.

How to apply red lipstick

Select the red lipstick. Most people are able to wear cool red.[1] However, it is important to try different shades of red to find the one that suits you best. Ask a makeup retail assistant to help you make a suitable choice; be sure to test under good lighting.
Clean and dry your lips in preparation. Slightly moisturize your lips by adding a little lip balm. Before proceeding, wait for it to be absorbed.

Add lip liner. The lip liner needs to be similar to the red shade of lipstick you're going to use (or use a nude color). Carefully line your lips, avoiding trembling. If you made a mistake, don't swipe it off with your finger––use makeup remover on a Q-tip (cotton bud) for best results.

Slightly line outside your lips if you want your lips to look bigger.
Consider using a reverse liner; it's clear and it allows you to outline your lips to prevent lipstick from running and bleeding.
If you don't have a lip liner, pat concealer across your lips.

Apply the lipstick. You can use different kinds, but usually a traditional lipstick is preferable. Don't forget the very inside of your lips, as you smile the colour of your real lips might be a big contrast to the redness.

To make your lips redder, and fuller, get a small brush and use your foundation to apply around your lips. Don't be scared to get close to your lips, the bigger the contrast between your lips and your skin the better. This will let your lips look better, and more professional.

It is best to always apply using a lip brush, not the actual lipstick, which should only ever be applied direct to lips for brief touch-ups. The brush ensures that the lipstick is added precisely and that it will stay put.

Once in place, lightly dab the lipstick with a tissue. A coat of translucent powder can do wonders too. Then, last but not least, apply either a clear or a red lip gloss. You can never put too little lip gloss, but avoid the edges, because it might dribble over if it's too much.

Place your index finger in your mouth and move it around gently. It'll lift excess red lipstick likely to smear on your teeth.

Consider the remaining makeup. The red lipstick pops and should be your facial feature piece. The remaining makeup needs to be consistent with this and flawless skin is the look to aim for (or the illusion to create). Here are some suggestions to achieve this:

Check regularly for red smears on your teeth. Have a compact mirror handy to check and swipe off the teeth smears should they happen. And they will.

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TV Axioms

- Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

- Good guys are always outnumbered.

- Good guys always win and get the girl.

TV Axioms

- Good guys are always good looking.

- Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humor.

- Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.

TV Axioms

- Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.

- Good guys don't take drugs.

- Heros wear clothes that dirt can't stick to.

TV Axioms

- Ugly people are always bad guys.

- Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but they will never stick around to see if it works.

- The bad guy chickens out first.

TV Axioms

- The police are smart.

- police never wait for back-up.

- Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses.

TV Axioms

- All police killings are in self-defense.

- Police chases must include a car going through a plate glass window.

- Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.

TV Axioms

- After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.

- The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally as the car goes slower.

- Burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall.

TV Axioms

- Private detective work is glamorous.

- Cars will explode in all accidents.

- Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.

TV Axioms

- Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.

- Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.

- High School students look thirty years old.

TV Axioms

- The suburbs are exciting.

- Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.

- All Chinese people know Karate.

TV Axioms

- Indians make good fodder.

- All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded.

- Everybody wins in Las Vegas.

TV Axioms

- Nobody has time to watch TV.

- Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when they are in a hurry.

- Housework is never needed.

TV Axioms

- Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.

- Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.

- The last 5 minutes of any TV show will expain the entire plot.

TV Axioms

- The last 5 minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.

- In case of emergency, speak in cliches.

- 95 pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300 pound muscle-bound men.

TV Axioms

- Fist-fights don't result in bruises.

- Helicopters are attracted to mountains.

- No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says "um..."

TV Axioms

- People normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.

- There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.

- If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.

TV Axioms

- Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.

- Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.

- Everyone has a "dark" secret.

TV Axioms

- Haunted houses are never locked.

- Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.

- Rich people are unhappy.

TV Axioms

- Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.

- When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

- Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three of four days.

TV Axioms

- Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie.

- To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 minutes before sunset.

- Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into the dark cellar never came out.

TV Axioms

- The group always splits up to look for the alien.

- Movies based on true stories are always made up.

- Computers never crash.

TV Axioms

- Teenagers can access any computer by using their home PC.

- Computers know everything.

- You must type frantically to keep a 3-D image moving on the screen.

- In the end, all resource limitations are overruled.

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airline food

Continental Airlines offers ham or turkey sandwiches on its flights of 2 or more hours. The turkey sandwich contains 170 calories and the ham at just over 200 (including a topping of mayo or mustard). These are accompanied by carrots (35 calories) and a mini candy bar (80 calories). This is definitely one of the healthier offerings in terms of calories, especially if you leave the candy in its wrapper.
American Airline's "snack pack" is sold on short flights. The good news about this meal is that passengers have lots of snack-sized items to choose from. The bad news: eat it all and you will be consuming more than 700 calories. However, the package of Lorne Doone cookies and the container of mixed nuts account for nearly half of those calories. The meat, crackers, cheese spread and raisins are the pack's lighter items.

airline food

American Airline's "snack pack" is sold on short flights. The good news about this meal is that passengers have lots of snack-sized items to choose from. The bad news: eat it all and you will be consuming more than 700 calories. However, the package of Lorne Doone cookies and the container of mixed nuts account for nearly half of those calories. The meat, crackers, cheese spread and raisins are the pack's lighter items.

airline food

Delta Airlines offers an 800-plus calorie snack pack on shorter flights. It seems that all the worst "diet wreckers" made it onto the menu: chips, peanuts, peanut butter crackers and cookies. A granola bar (made by Quaker) is the healthiest of the bunch, but passengers have to buy the whole snack pack to get their hands on it.

airline food

United Airlines offers 800 calories snack packs on shorter flights. On flights over 5 hours, meals like a turkey breast with salad set a passenger's calorie count back by only 200 (as long as they skip the mayo, dressing and whatever starch is offered as a side dish).

airline food

JetBlue allows fliers to choose their snacks individually. There is no tempting, high-calorie all-inclusive snack pack like those found on Delta or American flights. That might not be good news for hungry fliers, but, on the other hand, it is ideal for waistline watchers. The 100 calorie Wheat Thins are the health conscious traveler's best option. That said, slightly more decadent offerings like chocolate chip cookies (a pack of 4) and a snack sized bag of Doritos Mix are under 150 calories each.

airline food

American Airlines premium class meals prove that upgrading might not necessarily be healthier. A chicken or fish entree plus salad with dressing and rolls or rice contains about 500-600 calories, depending on the use dressing, toppings and butter. Add virtually any desert that the airline offers and calorie count shoots north of 800.

"Special meals," such as vegetarian meals, kosher or halal meals, and gluten free meals often offer a smaller calorie count. Bean-based dishes such as American's bean and pepper medley, with fruit and rice as sides, is a 300 calorie offering. Passengers should keep in mind that vegetarian meals must be ordered in advance. This can be done by calling the airline.

Q: How fast do planes go?
A: Military turboprops cruise at 350 mph (560 km/hr) and jet fighters routine exceed the speed of sound (768 mph or 1235 km/hr at sea level).

Q: How high do planes go?
A: Civilian passenger jets cruise at between 30,000 and 39,000 feet. Military aircraft can attain greater altitudes. Prop planes are limited to about 20,000 feet. A small plane can legally fly 2000 feet.

Q: How long do pilots go to school?
A: For a pilot starting a career, you need approximately 2,000 hours of flight time and as much multi-engine time as possible to be competitive in the job hunt.

Q: What’s the biggest airplane and how many people can fit in it?
A: A Boeing 747-400 can hold 524 people, not counting the crew. However, the new AirBus A380, which is currently underdevelopment, might be able to accomodate 840 passengers.

Q: What causes the white smoke behind airplanes?
A It is actually water vapor. Water is a by-product of combustion. The "contrails" occur at specific altitudes each day depending on the atmospheric conditions.

Q: How high is the tallest control tower?
A: The world's highest control tower is Vancouver Harbour Control Tower, situated on top of the 142 meter skyscraper 200 Granville Square, in downtown Vancouver, Canada. The world's tallest free standing control tower is the 132.2 m (434 feet) Suvarnabhumi Airport control tower, 25 km east of Bangkok, Thailand

Fun Things to do on an airplane:

Push the flight attendant call button and pretend it gave you a shock.

Call the Psychic Hotline and ask if they know where you are (only do this when phones are permitted on).

Fun Things to do on an airplane:

Drop a pen in the aisle and wait until someone reaches to pick it up and scream, “That’s mine!”

Lay down a Twister mat in the back of the plane and ask people if they’d like to play.

Swat at flies that don’t exist.

Fun Things to do on an airplane:

When the attendant passes out pillows yell, “pillow fight!”

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to other passengers.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Fun Things to do on an airplane:

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the plane. Wear yours upside-down.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

Challenge the person next to you with a “Thumb War.”

Fun Things to do on an airplane:

Ring the stewardess button frequently and always ask this question:
“Are we there yet?”

Try not to think about penguins. It’s very hard.

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Yogi Berra said:

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Yogi Berra said:

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

Yogi Berra said:

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.

How can you think and hit at the same time?

Yogi Berra said:

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

Yogi Berra said:

I never said most of the things I said.

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.

I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.

Yogi Berra said:

I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

Yogi Berra said:

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra said:

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

In baseball, you don't know nothing.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

Yogi Berra said:

It ain't over till it's over.

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

It gets late early out there.

Yogi Berra said:

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.

Yogi Berra said:

Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting.

Yogi Berra said:

So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.

The future ain't what it used to be.

The only color I don't have is navy brown.

Yogi Berra said:

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

Yogi Berra said:

We have deep depth.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra said:

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

Yogi Berra said:

You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Scotsman At A Baseball Game

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

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The most recent FBI Hate Crimes report reveals that in 2009, there were 3,816 victims of racially motivated hate crimes. Of that, 71.4% were African Americans.
In 2009, there were 1,050 victims of hate crimes motivated by ethnicity/national origin. Of those, the large majority (692) were against Hispanics.

In a decision favored by the Bush administration, in June of 2007, the Supreme Court forbade most existing voluntary desegregation efforts with a majority of the Justices holding that individual students may not be assigned or denied a school assignment on the basis of race even if the intent is to achieve integrated schools — and despite the fact that the locally designed plans actually fostered integration. Academics warned that the move would worsen educational inequality.

A report issued by the Civil Rights Project at Harvard University found that nationwide nearly 70% of African American students and 75% of Latino students attend predominantly minority schools. More than 1/3 of the students in each group are in schools where 90% or more of their classmates are minorities. Meanwhile, the average white student is enrolled in a school where more than eight in 10 of his or her classmates also are white.

Studies of discrimination in housing markets reveal that African American or Latino/a testers experience some form of differential treatment roughly half of the time. Even the most conservative measures reveal that at least 25% of the time there will be discrimination in many important types of behavior by rental or real estate agents.

The Human Rights Watch discovered that across 34 states studied, most drug offenders are white, yet a black man is 11.8 times more likely than a white man to be sent to prison on drug charges, and a black woman is 4.8 times more likely than a white woman.

The increase in the annual number of black arrests was greater than in the annual number of white arrests: black drug arrests were 4.8 times greater in 2007 than in 1980.

The U.S. “war on drugs” disproportionately targets urban minority neighborhoods. Two national reports released in early 2008 found that although whites commit more drug offenses, African Americans are arrested and imprisoned on drug charges at much higher rates.

Since 1977, the overwhelming majority of death row defendants have been executed for killing white victims, although African-Americans make up about half of all homicide victims. African Americans account for one in three people executed since 1977.

A 2007 Yale University of Law study revealed that African-American defendants receive death penalty at three times the rate of white defendants in cases where the victims are white. In addition, killers of white victims are treated more severely than people who kill minorities, when it comes to deciding what charges to bring.

In March 2008, the United Nation';s Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination condemned what it found to be racial disparities in the death penalty and in the sentencing of youth to life without parole for crimes committed when they were under 18, a practice the committee wants stopped. The committee called on authorities to take steps, including a freeze on the death penalty, to root out racial bias.

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine ... it was the crowd! ...What the HELL is a pinata?!

Mexican Eggs

'Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.

Mexican Jokes

The Dallas Solution

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The 'Inner Neighborhood Services' group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and 'police' the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious .

They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials 'INS' embroidered in gold on the caps.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.

It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, 'Have at it!'

SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Jose and Carlos

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...

They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads: 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign... It reads : 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico '

Mexican Jokes

Mexican Olympiad

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics he stated: "Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."

Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

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Divorce Facts

1.) Divorce is the legal dissolution of marriage.

2.) Divorce is caused by a multitude of reasons including, incompatibility, mental illness, infidelity, abuse, lack of communication, money, sexual problems, addiction, and differences in religion, culture, and lifestyle.

3.) Divorce can be either fault-based or no-fault. Fault-based means that you will have to prove that your spouse is to blame for the failed marriage. These reasons may be adultery or abuse or addiction, etc. No-fault means that no one is to blame. A common reason in this category is irreconcilable differences.

4.) When two people get divorced, there is a division of assets such as property, savings, and anything of substantial monetary value. There is also a division of liabilities or debt.

5.) Normally, one of the parents of a child assume custody. Sometimes the child will live part time with both parents. Such an arrangement is called joint custody. In addition, one parent will make child support payments to the other parent that has custody over the child.

6.) According to the CDC, in 2009 the divorce rate was 3.5 per 1,000 in the U.S. population.

7.) Most people remarry three years after their divorce.

8.) Most divorces take about a year to complete.

9.) The number of children living with only one parent is on the increase.

10.) Factors that decrease your risk of divorce: high annual income, a college level education, strong religious beliefs, having happily married parents, and waiting until your mid twenties before getting married.

11.) Couples who lived together before getting married are more likely to get divorced.

12.) Children living with only one parent are more likely to suffer from poor health.

13.) Knowing how to argue with a spouse is more important than what the argument is about.

14.) Divorce and its associated stress reduces the work productivity of men.

15.) Percent of households in the United States that are divorced:

16.) The cost of a divorce in the United States averages from $15000 to about $40000.

17.) Divorced people are more likely to suffer from mental illness, heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and other chronic conditions. This is caused in part by the stress and long lasting trauma of divorce as well as the fact that married couples tend to have better health habits and thus live a cleaner and healthier lifestyle.

18.) How divorce affects children depends on their age:

Infants lack the cognitive development to understand what is happening but they do sense and react to changes in the parents emotions and energy levels.
Preschool children may fear abandonment and often feel that they are the reason for the divorce because they may have misbehaved in some way.
Preadolescent children have a better understanding of the divorce but they also have a greater self awareness of their own pain. This self awareness only amplifies the pain because they lack coping skills.
Teens can feel overwhelmed with the stress of too many changes being forced on them. They will feel anxious about how their world will change and what the future holds. They may feel a loss of parental support in coping with becoming an adult.

grounds for divorce

Abandonment. A common reason for fault-based divorce occurs when your spouse has abandoned you for a certain amount of time. The minimum time of physical separation depends on your particular state. This time period must be continuous which means that you can’t add up the time periods of several smaller periods of separation. Refusal to provide financial support or to have sexual intercourse are also considered by some states to be abandonment.

grounds for divorce

Adultery. Adultery is the voluntary sexual intercourse by a married person with someone who is not their marriage partner. It is also used in fault-based divorce. Unless an eyewitness or photographic evidence is available, adultery can be very difficult to prove since all you will have is circumstantial or indirect proof. A good deal of additional evidence (demonstrating inclination and opportunity) that support your accusation will be required before it can be considered grounds for divorce.

grounds for divorce

Cruelty. This is yet another common reason stated for fault-based divorces. Cruelty is an act that endangers the physical or mental health of a person. Note the use of the word “endanger” here. A simple argument or incompatibility does not endanger a persons health. Cruelty is abusive behavior, such as physical violence, constant criticism and belittlement or incessant yelling and rage.

Imprisonment. Some states allow imprisonment and even a criminal conviction without prison time as grounds for divorce.

grounds for divorce

Irreconcilable differences. There are some marriages that should never have been. Incompatible personalities, lack of any common interests, indifference about the emotional needs of the other, constant resentment and antagonism toward the other are all hallmarks of the marriage with irreconcilable differences. Because it is the result of a bad match, no individual is at fault and hence is grounds for a no-fault divorce.

grounds for divorce

Alcohol or substance abuse. Without doubt, alcohol and drug addiction destroy lives. Depending on the severity, it can lead to job loss thus resulting in an inability to support the family. The drug addict or alcoholic can experience personality changes and become abusive. With time he will take down himself as well as those that depend on him. The requirements of marriage are varied and demanding. Because the alcoholic or drug addict is poorly equipped to handle these challenges, it is no surprise then that this is a very common reason for a fault-based divorce.

Other grounds for divorce include irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, mental illness, impotence, and bigamy.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name; They just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

A man comes home one day and says to his wife "Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"

His wife replies "Id take half then leave you."

He responds "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's five, now get the hell out of here!"

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

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Gallium ( /ˈɡæliəm/ gal-ee-əm) is a chemical element that has the symbol Ga and atomic number 31. Elemental gallium does not occur in nature, but as the gallium(III) salt in trace amounts in bauxite and zinc ores. A soft silvery metallic poor metal, elemental gallium is a brittle solid at low temperatures. As it liquefies slightly above room temperature, it will melt in the hand. Its melting point is used as a temperature reference point, and from its discovery in 1875 to the semiconductor era, its primary uses were in high-temperature thermometric applications and in preparation of metal alloys with unusual properties of stability, or ease of melting; some being liquid at room temperature or below. The alloy Galinstan (68.5% Ga, 21.5% In, 10% Sn) has a melting point of about −19 °C (−2 °F).

In semiconductors, the major-use compound is gallium arsenide used in microwave circuitry and infrared applications. Gallium nitride and indium gallium nitride, minority semiconductor uses, produce blue and violet light-emitting diodes (LEDs) and diode lasers. Semiconductor use is now almost the entire (> 95%) world market for gallium, but new uses in alloys and fuel cells continue to be discovered.

Gallium is not known to be essential in biology, but because of the biological handling of gallium's primary ionic salt gallium(III) as though it were iron(III), the gallium ion localizes to and interacts with many processes in the body in which iron(III) is manipulated. As these processes include inflammation, which is a marker for many disease states, several gallium salts are used, or are in development, as both pharmaceuticals and radiopharmaceuticals in medicine.
Contents

Elemental gallium is not found in nature, but it is easily obtained by smelting. Very pure gallium metal has a brilliant silvery color and its solid metal fractures conchoidally like glass. Gallium metal expands by 3.1% when it solidifies, and therefore storage in either glass or metal containers is avoided, due to the possibility of container rupture with freezing. Gallium shares the higher-density liquid state with only a few materials like silicon, germanium, bismuth, antimony, plutonium and water.

Gallium attacks most other metals by diffusing into their metal lattice. Gallium, for example, diffuses into the grain boundaries of Al/Zn alloys or steel, making them very brittle. Also, gallium metal easily alloys with many metals, and was used in small quantities as a plutonium-gallium alloy in the plutonium cores of the first and third nuclear bombs, to help stabilize the plutonium crystal structure.

Gallium's melting point (mp) is one of the formal temperature reference points in the International Temperature Scale of 1990 (ITS-90) established by BIPM.[4][5][6] The triple point of gallium of 302.9166 K (29.7666 °C, 85.5799 °F), is being used by NIST in preference to gallium's melting point.
Gallium is a metal that will melt in one's hand. This metal has a strong tendency to supercool below its melting point/freezing point. Seeding with a crystal helps to initiate freezing. Gallium is one of the metals (with caesium, rubidium and mercury) which are liquid at or near normal room temperature, and can therefore be used in metal-in-glass high-temperature thermometers. It is also notable for having one of the largest liquid ranges for a metal, and (unlike mercury) for having a low vapor pressure at high temperatures. Unlike mercury, liquid gallium metal wets glass and skin, making it mechanically more difficult to handle (even though it is substantially less toxic and requires far fewer precautions). For this reason as well as the metal contamination and freezing-expansion problems, samples of gallium metal are usually supplied in polyethylene packets within other containers.

Crystallization of gallium from the melt
Gallium does not crystallize in any of the simple crystal structures. The stable phase under normal conditions is orthorhombic with 8 atoms in the conventional unit cell. Each atom has only one nearest neighbor (at a distance of 244 pm) and six other neighbors within additional 39 pm. Many stable and metastable phases are found as function of temperature and pressure.

The bonding between the nearest neighbors is found to be of covalent character, hence Ga2 dimers are seen as the fundamental building blocks of the crystal. This explains the drop of the melting point compared to its neighbour elements aluminium and indium. The compound with arsenic, gallium arsenide is a semiconductor commonly used in light-emitting diodes.
High-purity gallium is dissolved slowly by mineral acids.

In 1871, existence of gallium was first predicted by Russian chemist Dmitri Mendeleev, who named it "eka-aluminium" on the basis of its position in his periodic table. He also predicted several properties of the element, which correspond closely to real gallium properties, such as density, melting point, oxide character and bonding in chloride.

Gallium was discovered spectroscopically by Paul Emile Lecoq de Boisbaudran in 1875 by its characteristic spectrum (two violet lines) in an examination of a sphalerite sample.[9] Later that year, Lecoq obtained the free metal by electrolysis of its hydroxide in potassium hydroxide solution. He named the element "gallia", from Latin Gallia meaning gaul, after his native land of France. It was later claimed that, in one of those multilingual puns so beloved of men of science in the 19th century, he had also named gallium after himself, as his name, "Le coq", is the French for "the rooster", and the Latin for "rooster" is "gallus"; however, in an 1877 article Lecoq denied this supposition.[10] (Cf. the naming of the J/ψ meson and the dwarf planet Pluto.)

Gallium does not exist in free form in nature, and the few high-gallium minerals such as gallite (CuGaS2) are too rare to serve as a primary source of the element or its compounds. Its abundance in the Earth's crust is approximately 16.9 ppm. Gallium is found and extracted as a trace component in bauxite and to a small extent from sphalerite. The amount extracted from coal, diaspore and germanite in which gallium is also present is negligible. The United States Geological Survey (USGS) estimates gallium reserves to exceed 1 million tonnes, based on 50 ppm by weight concentration in known reserves of bauxite and zinc ores. Some flue dusts from burning coal have been shown to contain small quantities of gallium, typically less than 1% by weight.

The only two economic sources for gallium are as byproduct of aluminium and zinc production, while the sphalerite for zinc production is the minor source. Most gallium is extracted from the crude aluminium hydroxide solution of the Bayer process for producing alumina and aluminium. A mercury cell electrolysis and hydrolysis of the amalgam with sodium hydroxide leads to sodium gallate. Electrolysis then gives gallium metal. For semiconductor use, further purification is carried out using zone melting, or else single crystal extraction from a melt (Czochralski process). Purities of 99.9999% are routinely achieved and commercially widely available. An exact number for the worldwide production is not available, but it is estimated that in 2007 the production of gallium was 184 tonnes with less than 100 tonnes from mining and the rest from scrap recycling.[12]

Gallium
The semiconductor applications are the main reason for the low-cost commercial availability of the extremely high-purity (99.9999+%) metal.
Gallium arsenide (GaAs) and gallium nitride (GaN) used in electronic components represented about 98% of the gallium consumption in the United States in 2007. About 66% of semiconductor gallium is used in the U.S. in integrated circuits (mostly gallium arsenide), such as the manufacture of ultra-high speed logic chips and MESFETs for low-noise microwave preamplifiers in cell phones. About 20% is used in optoelectronics. Worldwide, gallium arsenide makes up 95% of the annual global gallium consumption.
Gallium arsenide is used in optoelectronics in a variety of infrared applications. Aluminium gallium arsenide (AlGaAs) is used in high-powered infrared laser diodes. As a component of the semiconductors indium gallium nitride and gallium nitride, gallium is used to produce blue and violet optoelectronic devices, mostly laser diodes and light-emitting diodes. For example, gallium nitride 405 nm diode lasers are used as a violet light source for higher-density compact disc data storage, in the Blu-ray Disc standard.

Gallium is used as a dopant for the production of solid-state devices such as transistors. However, worldwide the actual quantity used for this purpose is minute, since dopant levels are usually of the order of a few parts per million.
Multijunction photovoltaic cells, developed for satellite power applications, are made by molecular beam epitaxy or metalorganic vapour phase epitaxy of thin films of gallium arsenide, indium gallium phosphide or indium gallium arsenide.The Mars Exploration Rovers and several satellites use triple junction gallium arsenide on germanium cells. Gallium is also a component in photovoltaic compounds (such as copper indium gallium selenium sulfide or Cu(In,Ga)(Se,S)2) for use in solar panels as a cost-efficient alternative to crystalline silicon.

[edit]Wetting and alloy improvement
Because gallium wets glass or porcelain, gallium can be used to create brilliant mirrors. When the wetting action of gallium-alloys is not desired (as in Galinstan glass thermometers), the glass must be protected with a transparent layer of gallium(III) oxide.

superhero jokes

Q: Why did the Flash leave that greasy diner so quickly? A: Because he got a bad case of the runs!

Q: What is the Flash's favorite music group? A: Fast-Ball!

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comicbookjokes/theflashjokes.html

Q: What is the Flash's favorite part of a joke? A: The "punch" line!

Q: What is the Flash's favorite drink? A: Fruit punch!

Q: What's the difference between the Flash and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Four Corners There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find The Flash. And in the fourth corner you find an extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with an amazing ultra-thin magazine-model figure. In the center of the room there is a pot of gold. Q:Who gets to the pot of gold first? A: None, because none of these characters exist.

Superman writes on the wall: Batman is a wuss.

The next day, Batman writes on the wall: Superman is Clark Kent.

Three drunks are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!" The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!

The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you're drunk!"

Superman is a fucking dick!

Ten Commandments

Thou shalt have no other gods before me

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy god in vain

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy

Honor thy Father and thy Mother

Thou shalt not kill

Thou shalt not commit adultery

Thou shalt not steal

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors house

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife

The Ten Commandments of Love

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of they Squeeze in vain, nor
badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about
it if thou knowest what's good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy
bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls
from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's
house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or
daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

The Ten Commandments (In Ebonics)

1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.

2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.

3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.

5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don'
dis him neither.

6. Don' ice ya bros.

7. Stick to ya own woman.

8. Don' be liftin no goods.

9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.

10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.

Top Ten Worst Commandments

10. Love thy neighbor, but relentlessly persecute that fucking
heathen down the block

9. Thou shalt not kill, except in the name of God.

8. Thou shalt not have sex.

7. Thou shalt not think of sex.

6. Thou shalt not even *LIKE* sex

5. (But) If you don't have sex, thou damnst well better not jerk off.

4. Do not what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law

3. Thou shalt not use mind expanding agents, for thou couldst see
the truth

2. 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 1 and don't even question it!

1. Thou shalt not BLASPHEME the Lord!

1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods
besides me.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a
shop class.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the
express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God"
is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai
thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is
unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy God.

4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

5. Honor thy single parent.

6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
before Judge Judy.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks,
or his power tools.

I am the LORD thy God and I give you these Ten Commandments:

1 I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are "cool,"
"nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before Me, and
claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot and,
hence, right out.

2 You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vein. Drugs are
fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.

3 You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day, Victoria
Day for the Canadians and My Kid's birthday. Make sure to look for the
bargains for this last one, though, but don't let it stop you from
spending. Remember: The more thou spendest, the holier thou art.

4 Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father molests thee. For
abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy affliction...
naneenaneebooboo.

5 You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, My Kid or the Pope
or any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to
hunt commies or sissies.

6 You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women.
Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must
be stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill
My quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use
them just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me.
Why this is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being God.

7 Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work
it in to the state or national charter.

8 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie or heathen, which I despiseth, or unless thou art
a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so long as
thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).

9 Go ahead and covet.

10 Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion
and kill anyone who questions thou.

Ten Commandments for Kids

1. Thou shalt not bite anything that is not yours.

2. Thou shalt not make noise of any kind.

3. Thou shalt not irritate the pets.

4. Stay out of the cupboards.

5. Do not speak to strangers.

6. Do not invite strangers into the house.

7. Do not put foreign objects in your nose, mouth, ears, etc.

8. Thou shalt not push any buttons on any electronic equipment.

9. Thou shalt not use your mother’s makeup or cut your own hair.

10. Leave your clothes on.

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross TrailsChurch in Gainesboro, TN )

(1) Just one God

(2) Put nothin' before God

(3) Watch yer mouth

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'

(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa

(6) No killin'

(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal

(8) Don't take what ain't yers

(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

The Redneck Ten Commandments

1. There is a God, you ain’t Him; don’t forget it.

2. Don’t let nothing come between you and God; not your Bass Boat, not your Pick-Up Truck, not your golf clubs: not even your wife & kids.

3. Don’t say nothing bad about God; don’t use His name in a bad way.

4 Sunday is the Lord’s Day, not your day. Saturday is your day.

5 Always be good to yo’ mama, and yo’ daddy.

6. Don’t kill nobody, even if they need killing. Leave that up to God.

7. Keep yo’ pants zipped up when they ought to be zipped up.

8. Don’t take nothing that ain’t yours.

9. Don’t lie, and don’t be talking bad about people. Remember what your Grandmama use to say, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

10. Don’t be eyeballing anything that belongs to your neighbor, or anybody else.

Harold and Jane was not a very religious couple but tried their best; they only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, “Harold, it sure would be nice to see you and Jane here more than once a year” “I know,” replied Harold, “We're very busy people, leading active lives but at least we keep the Ten Commandments” “That's great,” the minister said. “I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.” “Yes, we sure do” Harold said proudly, “Jane keeps six of them and I keep the other four”.

A God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your life better."

And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments? How much are they?"

"They're free."

"Good then, we'll take 10!"

"Top 10 Commandments jokes - updated"
Ten Commandments

10) Don't bang your neighbor's wife -- even if she happens to be one of Playboy's Cyber Girls Next Door.

9) Don't snitch, rat, or lie about your neighbor. After all, he knows where you live.

8) Don't steal, even if you think Robin Hood was a good lad, or if you think Julian Assange was right.

7) Don't go for unlawful carnal knowledge with anyone other than the one you're hitched to, not even cyber sex is allowed.

6) Don't murder - it's totally uncool.

5) Love and respect your folks, your relatives, your real life friends, and even your online friends.

4) Remember that every day is full of holiness, especially on whatever day it is that you don't have to get your butt out of bed, and on that day, chill.

3) Do not curse in the name of The Dude, people.

2) Do not make any fancy graphics or Photoshop any pics of me or the Heavens above.

1) I am The Dude your friend. Like me - and no one else - in facebook.

Teen Commandments

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)

4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7. Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8. Thou shall not wear revealing clothes in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave 'em in the middle)

God Texts the Ten Commandments

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols

3. no omg’s

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)

5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool

6. dnt kill ppl

7. :-X only w/ m8

8. dnt steal

9. dnt lie re: bf

10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment. .

Angelman syndrome is a neuro-genetic disorder characterized by intellectual and developmental delay, sleep disturbance, seizures, jerky movements (especially hand-flapping), frequent laughter or smiling, and usually a happy demeanor.

Canavan disease is an autosomal recessive degenerative disorder that causes progressive damage to nerve cells in the brain. Canavan disease is also one of the most common degenerative cerebreal diseases of infancy. This disease is one of a group of genetic disorders called leukodystrophies.

Coeliac disease is an autoimmune disorder of the small intestine that occurs in genetically predisposed people of all ages from middle infancy onward. Symptoms include chronic diarrhoea, failure to thrive (in children), and fatigue, but these may be absent, and symptoms in other organ systems have been described.

Charcot–Marie–Tooth disease- (CMT), known also as Morbus Charcot-Marie-Tooth, is an inherited demyelinating disease of the peripheral nervous system.
CMT is predominantly characterized by loss of muscle tissue and touch sensation, in the feet, ankles and legs as it progresses over time. As well as in the hands, wrists and arms in various types of the disease. Early and late onset forms occur with 'on and off' painful spasmodic muscular contractions that can be disabling when the disease activates.

Color blindness or color vision deficiency is the inability or decreased ability to see color, or perceive color differences, under normal lighting conditions. Color blindness affects many people in a population. "Color blind" is a term of art; there is no actual blindness but there is a fault in the development of one or more sets of retinal cones that perceive color in light and transmit that information to the optic nerve. Color blindness is a sex-linked condition. The genes that produce photopigments are carried on the X chromosome; if some of these genes are missing or damaged, color blindness will be expressed in males with a higher probability than in females because males only have one X chromosome (in females, a good gene on only one of the two X chromosomes is enough to yield the needed photopigments

Cri du chat syndrome is a rare genetic disorder due to a missing part of chromosome 5. Its name is a French term (cat-cry or call of the cat) referring to the characteristic cat-like cry of affected children. It was first described by Jérôme Lejeune in 1963. The condition affects an estimated 1 in 50,000 live births, strikes all ethnicities, and is more common in females by a 4:3 ratio

Cystic fibrosis is an autosomal recessive genetic disorder affecting most critically the lungs, and also the pancreas, liver, and intestine. It is characterized by abnormal transport of chloride and sodium across an epithelium, leading to thick, viscous secretions.The name cystic fibrosis refers to the characteristic scarring (fibrosis) and cyst formation within the pancreas, first recognized in the 1930s. Difficulty breathing is the most serious symptom and results from frequent lung infections that are treated with antibiotics and other medications. Other symptoms, including sinus infections, poor growth, and infertility affect other parts of the body.

Down syndrome or Down's syndrome, also known as trisomy 21, is a chromosomal condition caused by the presence of all or part of an extra 21st chromosome. It is named after John Langdon Down, the British physician who described the syndrome in 1866. The condition was clinically described earlier in the 19th century by Jean Etienne Dominique Esquirol in 1838 and Edouard Seguin in 1844.Down syndrome was identified as a chromosome 21 trisomy by Dr. Jérôme Lejeune in 1959. Down syndrome can be identified in a baby at birth, or by prenatal screening.
The incidence of Down syndrome is estimated at 4.6 per 10,000 births[ Down syndrome occurs in all human populations, and analogous conditions have been found in other species such as chimpanzees

Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD) is a recessive X-linked form of muscular dystrophy, which results in muscle degeneration, difficulty walking, breathing, and death. The incidence is around 1 in 3,600 boys. Females and males are affected, though females are rarely affected and are more often carriers. The disorder is caused by a mutation in the dystrophin gene, located in humans on the X chromosome (Xp21). The dystrophin gene codes for the protein dystrophin, an important structural component within muscle tissue. Dystrophin provides structural stability to the dystroglycan complex (DGC), located on the cell membrane.

Haemochromatosis or haemosiderosis
Historically, the term haemochromatosis (spelled hemochromatosis in American English) was initially used to refer to what is now more specifically called haemochromatosis type 1 (or HFE-related hereditary haemochromatosis). Currently, haemochromatosis (without further specification) is mostly defined as iron overload with a hereditary/primary cause or originating from a metabolic disorder. However, the term is currently also used more broadly to refer to any form of iron overload, thus requiring specification of the cause, for example, hereditary haemochromatosis. Hereditary haemochromatosis is an autosomal recessive disease with estimated prevalence in the population of 1 in 500 among patients with European ancestry, with lower incidence in other ethnic groups. The gene responsible for hereditary haemochromatosis (known as HFE gene) is located on chromosome 6; the majority of hereditary haemochromatosis patients have mutations in this HFE gene. Hereditary haemochromatosis is characterized by an accelerated rate of intestinal iron absorption and progressive iron deposition in various tissues that typically begins to be expressed in the third to fifth decades of life, but may occur in children.

Haemophilia ( /hiːməˈfɪliə/; also spelled hemophilia in North America, from the Greek haima αἷμα 'blood' and philia φιλος 'love' is a group of hereditary genetic disorders that impair the body's ability to control blood clotting or coagulation, which is used to stop bleeding when a blood vessel is broken. Haemophilia A (clotting factor VIII deficiency) is the most common form of the disorder, present in about 1 in 5,000–10,000 male births. Haemophilia B (factor IX deficiency) occurs in around 1 in about 20,000–34,000 male births.

Klinefelter's syndrome, 47, XXY, or XXY syndrome is a condition in which human males have an extra X chromosome. While females have an XX chromosomal makeup, and males an XY, affected individuals have at least two X chromosomes and at least one Y chromosome.Because of the extra chromosome, individuals with the condition are usually referred to as "XXY Males", or "47, XXY Males".
This chromosome constitution (karyotype) exists in roughly between 1:500 to 1:1000 live male births[3][4] but many of these people may not show symptoms. The physical traits of the syndrome become more apparent after the onset of puberty, if at all.

Neurofibromatosis (commonly abbreviated NF; neurofibromatosis type 1 is also known as von Recklinghausen disease) is a genetically-inherited disorder in which the nerve tissue grows tumors (neurofibromas) that may be benign or may cause serious damage by compressing nerves and other tissues. The disorder affects all neural crest cells (Schwann cells, melanocytes and endoneurial fibroblasts). Cellular elements from these cell types proliferate excessively throughout the body, forming tumors; melanocytes also function abnormally in this disease, resulting in disordered skin pigmentation and café au lait spots. The tumors may cause bumps under the skin, colored spots, skeletal problems, pressure on spinal nerve roots, and other neurological problems.

Phenylketonuria (PKU) is an autosomal recessive metabolic genetic disorder characterized by a mutation in the gene for the hepatic enzyme phenylalanine hydroxylase (PAH), rendering it nonfunctional. This enzyme is necessary to metabolize the amino acid phenylalanine (Phe) to the amino acid tyrosine. When PAH activity is reduced, phenylalanine accumulates and is converted into phenylpyruvate (also known as phenylketone), which is detected in the urine

Polycystic kidney disease is a cystic genetic disorder of the kidneys.There are two types of PKD: autosomal dominant polycystic kidney disease (ADPKD) and the less-common autosomal recessive polycystic kidney disease (ARPKD).It occurs in humans and some other animals. PKD is characterized by the presence of multiple cysts (hence, "polycystic") typically in both kidneys; however 17% of cases initially present with observable disease in one kidney, with most cases progressing to bilateral disease in adulthood. The cysts are numerous and are fluid-filled, resulting in massive enlargement of the kidneys. The disease can also damage the liver, pancreas and, in some rare cases, the heart and brain. The two major forms of polycystic kidney disease are distinguished by their patterns of inheritance.

Prader–Willi syndrome is a rare genetic disorder in which seven genes (or some subset thereof) on chromosome 15 (q 11–13) are deleted or unexpressed (chromosome 15q partial deletion) on the paternal chromosome. It was first described in 1956 by Andrea Prader (1919–2001), Heinrich Willi (1900–1971), Alexis Labhart (1916), Andrew Ziegler, and Guido Fanconi of Switzerland.[2] Characteristic of PWS is "low muscle tone, short stature, incomplete sexual development, cognitive disabilities, problem behaviors, and a chronic feeling of hunger that can lead to excessive eating and life-threatening obesity.

Sickle-cell disease is an autosomal recessive genetic blood disorder with overdominance, characterized by red blood cells that assume an abnormal, rigid, sickle shape. Sickling decreases the cells' flexibility and results in a risk of various complications. The sickling occurs because of a mutation in the hemoglobin gene. Life expectancy is shortened. In 1994, in the US, the average life expectancy of persons with this condition was estimated to be 42 years in males and 48 years in females, but today, thanks to better management of the disease, patients can live into their 50s or beyond. In the UK, the current life expectancy is estimated to be 53–60 years of age.

Tay–Sachs disease is an autosomal recessive genetic disorder. In its most common variant (known as infantile Tay–Sachs disease), it causes a progressive deterioration of mental and physical abilities that commences around six months of age and usually results in death by the age of four. Tay–Sachs disease is caused by a genetic defect, normally inherited from both parents. The disease occurs when harmful quantities of cell membrane components known as gangliosides accumulate in the brain's nerve cells, eventually leading to the affected cells' premature death. Currently, there is no known cure or treatment.

Turner syndrome or Ullrich-Turner syndrome (also known as "Gonadal dysgenesis"[1]:550), 45 XO, encompasses several conditions in human females, of which monosomy X (absence of an entire sex chromosome, the Barr body) is most common. It is a chromosomal abnormality in which all or part of one of the sex chromosomes is absent (unaffected humans have 46 chromosomes, of which two are sex chromosomes). Normal females have two X chromosomes, but in Turner syndrome, one of those sex chromosomes is missing or has other abnormalities. In some cases, the chromosome is missing in some cells but not others, a condition referred to as mosaicism or "Turner mosaicism".

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

All the big powers they've silenced me. So much for free speech and choice on this fundamental human right.
Jack Kevorkian

And, I hope now that everybody understands that the Labour Party - as it always has done - stands for free speech and individual Members of the Labour Party are entitled to exercise that free speech.
Ron Davies

In our period, they say there is free speech. They say there is no penalty for poets, There is no penalty for writing poems. They say this. This is the penalty.
Muriel Rukeyser

It is a paradox that every dictator has climbed to power on the ladder of free speech. Immediately on attaining power each dictator has suppressed all free speech except his own.

If Thomas Jefferson had heard us, he probably would have said, 'We shouldn't have free speech.'
Robin Quivers

Ignorant free speech often works against the speaker. That is one of several reasons why it must be given rein instead of suppressed.
Anna Quindlen

I don't think we should be deprived of the privilege of free speech.
Loretta Swit

I think, with never-ending gratitude, that the young women of today do not and can never know at what price their right to free speech and to speak at all in public has been earned.
Lucy Stone

Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a crowded fire.
Abbie Hoffman

I am a technological activist. I have a political agenda. I am in favor of basic human rights: to free speech, to use any information and technology, to purchase and use recreational drugs, to enjoy and purchase so-called 'vices', to be free of intruders, and to privacy.
Bram Cohen

Free speech is not to be regulated like diseased cattle and impure butter. The audience that hissed yesterday may applaud today, even for the same performance.
William O. Douglas

Free speech is the whole thing, the whole ball game. Free speech is life itself.
Salman Rushdie

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
Warren E. Burger

Free speech is meant to protect unpopular speech. Popular speech, by definition, needs no protection.
Neal Boortz

Everybody favours free speech in the slack moments when no axes are being ground.
Heywood Broun

Fear of serious injury alone cannot justify oppression of free speech and assembly. Men feared witches and burnt women. It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.
Louis D. Brandeis

Better a thousandfold abuse of free speech than denial of free speech.
Charles Bradlaugh

Both free speech rights and property rights belong legally to individuals, but their real function is social, to benefit vast numbers of people who do not themselves exercise these rights.
Thomas Sowell

By placing discretion in the hands of an official to grant or deny a license, such a statute creates a threat of censorship that by its very existence chills free speech.
Harry A. Blackmun

Criticism of government finds sanctuary in several portions of the 1st Amendment. It is part of the right of free speech. It embraces freedom of the press.
Hugo Black

"This is, in theory, still a free country, but our politically correct, censorious times are such that many of us tremble to give vent to perfectly acceptable views for fear of condemnation. Freedom of speech is thereby imperiled, big questions go undebated, and great lies become accepted, unequivocally as great truths." -- Simon Heffer Source: Daily Mail, 7 June 2000

"This is, in theory, still a free country, but our politically correct, censorious times are such that many of us tremble to give vent to perfectly acceptable views for fear of condemnation. Freedom of speech is thereby imperiled, big questions go undebated, and great lies become accepted, unequivocally as great truths." -- Simon Heffer Source: Daily Mail, 7 June 2000

One of the shrewdest ways for human predators to conquer their stronger victims is to steadily convince them with propaganda that they're still free. N.A. Scott American author, intellectual, anti-totalitarian figure.

The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands. Oscar Wilde 1854-1900 Irish novelist, playwright, poet, short story writer

"Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people and sending them off to distant lands to die of foreign fevers and foreign shot and shell." Hugo Black

"The free press is the mother of all our liberties and of our progress under liberty" - Adlai E. Stevenson

"There is no more important struggle for American democracy than ensuring a diverse, independent and free media. Free Press is at the heart of that struggle." Bill Moyers

"The theory of the free press is not that the truth will be presented completely or perfectly in any one instance, but that the truth will emerge from free discussion"
Walter Lippman (American Editor and Writer, 1889-1974)

"The only security of all is in a free press. The force of public opinion cannot be resisted when permitted freely to be expressed. The agitation it produces must be submitted to. It is necessary, to keep the waters pure." --Thomas Jefferson to Lafayette, 1823. ME 15:491

"The basis of our governments being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter. But I should mean that every man should receive those papers and be capable of reading them." --Thomas Jefferson to Edward Carrington, 1787. ME 6:57
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"Freedom of the press, or, to be more precise, the benefit of freedom of the press, belongs to everyone - to the citizen as well as the publisher... The crux is not the publisher's 'freedom to print'; it is, rather, the citizen's 'right to know. " : Arthur Sulzburger - 1990 - American newspaper publisher

"A free press is not a privilege but an organic necessity in a great society" Walter Lippmann : American journalist (1889-1974)

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"A cynical, mercenary, demagogic press will produce in time a people as base as itself." - Joseph Pulitzer

"Our liberty cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it." --Thomas Jefferson to John Jay, 1786.

"There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press": Mark Twain

That's enough of the boring stufff.

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?

It was early spring in British Columbia

A Frenchman hired three Indians to do some tracking for him while he hunted bear.

A few hours into the trip through the mountains they came upon a cave and all stopped.

One of the Indians steps forward and yells, "WOO-WOOO!" There was a similar response from in the cave. He then tore all his clothes off and ran into the cave.

Another couple of hours goes by, another cave. They all stop. The second Indian yells "WOO-WOOO!" And again "woo-wooo!" was heard from the cave. He rips off his clothes and darts into the cave.

Now the Frenchman was very curious and asks "What da devil is going on???"

The third Indian explains, "It Indian mating season. When you give mating call and it returned mean available female in cave."

A little while later, a third cave, a third call, a third response. The clothes are off, the Indian is gone.

"Well dare ain't gonna be no huntin now" the Frenchman thinks to himself. So along the trail the Frenchman sees a big cave and goes "WOO-WOOO!" No response "WOO-WOOO!"... Hesitation... Then "woo-wooooo!" From in the cave. The Frenchman rips off all his clothes and runs full speed into the cave.

The next day in the Vancover Times, headlines read:

NAKED FRENCHMAN KILLED BY TRAIN

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."

"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"

Chester Alan Arthur falls into the category of accidental Presidents. He took over the White House after the 20th President James Garfield died from an assassin's bullet in 1881. Though his place in American history is not as obscure as some other Presidents, Chester Alan Arthur still ranks just above a footnote in many history textbooks.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: Arthur had expensive taste in clothing. His wardrobe taste earned him the nickname Elegant Arthur. Arthur had expensive taste for home décor as well. Upon becoming President, he refused to live in the White House until it was renovated to his liking. He hired landscaper Louis Comfort Tiffany for the task. Tiffany would later go on to be famous for his lamps.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: Arthur suffered from a fatal kidney disease called Bright's Disease, whereby his body could not properly flush toxins out of its system. He died only one year after leaving office.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: When a journalist became too inquisitive about his personal life, Chester Alan Arthur replied: "I may be President of the United States, but my private life is nobody's damned business."

Chester Alan Arthur facts: At 6' 2'', Arthur ranks as one of the tallest American Presidents. And at 220 pounds, he is one of the heaviest Presidents as well.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: Arthur's father, Reverend William Arthur, was born in Northern Ireland.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: Arthur was a widower president. His wife, Ellen Arthur, died from pneumonia in January 1880. Arthur never remarried.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: Arthur was a supporter and beneficiary of the spoils system, which rewarded supportive political party members with government jobs and positions after winning an election. However, as President, Arthur signed into law the Pendleton Act of 1883 which created the Civil Service Commission. This law required government jobs and positions to be awarded to qualifies candidates regardless of political affiliation.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: His former hoe, 123 Lexington Avenue in Manhattan, is now a Middle Eastern specialty food store.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: Arthur's Secretary of War was Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln.

Chester Alan Arthur facts: Arthur is one of only two presidents to come from Vermont. The other is Calvin Coolidge.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

Traditional Supermarket - Stores offering a full line of groceries, meat, and produce with at least $2 million in annual sales and up to 15% of their sales in GM/HBC. These stores typically carry anywhere from 15,000 to 60,000 SKUs (depending on the size of the store), and may offer a service deli, a service bakery, and/or a pharmacy.

supermarkets

Fresh Format -Different from traditional supermarkets and traditional natural food stores, fresh stores emphasize perishables and offer center-store assortments that differ from those of traditional retailers—especially in the areas of ethnic, natural,and organic, e.g., Whole Foods, Publix GreenWise, The Fresh Market, and some independents.

supermarkets

Superstore - A supermarket with at least 30,000 sq. ft., generating $12 million or more annually and offering an expanded selection of non-food items. Specialty departments and extensive services are offered.

supermarkets

Warehouse Store - Grocery store with limited service that eliminates frills and concentrates on price appeal; items may be displayed in their original shipping cartons rather than placed individually on shelves. Stores may also sell bulk food and large size items.

supermarkets

Super Warehouse - A high-volume hybrid of a large Traditional Supermarket and a Warehouse store. Super Warehouse stores typically offer a full range of service departments, quality perishables, and reduced prices, e.g., Cub Foods, Food 4 Less,and Smart & Final.

supermarkets

Limited-Assortment Store - A low-priced grocery store that offers a limited assortment of center-store and perishable items (fewer than 2,000), e.g., Aldi, Trader Joe’s, and Save-A-Lot.

supermarkets

Other - The small corner grocery store that carries a limited selection of staples and other convenience goods. These stores generate approximately $1 million in business annually.

Non-Traditional Grocery

Wholesale Club - A membership retail/wholesale hybrid with a varied selection and limited variety of products presented in a warehouse-type environment. These 120,000 square-foot stores have 60% to 70% GM/HBC and a grocery line dedicated to large sizes and bulk sales. Memberships include both business accounts and consumer groups, e.g., Sam’s Club, Costco, and BJ’s.

Non-Traditional Grocery

Supercenters - A hybrid of a large Traditional Supermarket and a Mass Merchandiser. Supercenters offer a wide variety of food, as well as non-food merchandise. These stores average more than 170,000 square feet and typically devote as much as 40% of the space to grocery items, e.g., Walmart Supercenters, Super Target, Meijer, and Fred Meyer.

Non-Traditional Grocery

Dollar Store - A small store format that traditionally sold staples and knickknacks, but now sales of food and consumable items at aggressive price points account for at least 20%, and up to 66%, of their volume, e.g., Dollar General, Dollar Tree, and Family Dollar.

Non-Traditional Grocery

Drug Store - A prescription-based drug store that generates 20% or more of its total sales from consumables, general merchandise, and seasonal items. This channel includes major chain drug stores such as Walgreens and CVS but does not include stores/chains, e.g., The Medicine Shoppe, that sell prescriptions almost exclusively.

Non-Traditional Grocery

Mass Merchandiser - A large store selling primarily hardlines, clothing, electronics, and sporting goods but also carries grocery and non-edible grocery items. This channel includes traditional Walmart, Kmart, and Target stores, etc.

Military Commissary - A format that looks like a Conventional grocery store carrying groceries and consumables but is restricted to use by active or retired military personnel. Civilians may not shop at these stores which are referred to as commissaries

Shopping without a list
Preparing a list in advance "keeps you focused on the healthiest food purchases for you and your family," Held says. It also makes you "less likely to forget important ingredients for the week's menus, become more resistant to impulse-buying, take advantage of coupons and sales, and save time."

Tip:Many grocery stores offer a free basic shopping checklist. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services also has a downloadable list to help you get started at http://www.health.gov/dietaryguidelines/dga2005/healthieryou/html/shopping_list.html.

2. Forgetting to shop the store's perimeter.
The fringe of the supermarket "contains the main food groups represented by MyPyramid, the USDA's healthy guide for eating a balanced diet," Held says. Shopping the outer ring helps ensure you fill up your cart with a variety of whole grains, fruits, vegetables, dairy products and protein-rich meats, seafood, poultry and eggs, she says.

Tip:Don't downplay the dairy section. "Most Americans do not consume adequate dairy products, and this is unfortunate because dairy foods are an excellent source of calcium, protein and vitamin D," Held says. And not only do dairy products promote healthy bones, research shows they play a role in lowering blood pressure, she says. Also: Be sure to choose non-fat and low-fat dairy products to keep fat and calories down.

3. Skimping on fruits and vegetables

Source: The Food Marketing Institute
"Fruits and vegetables are packed with vitamins, minerals, water and fiber, plus they are relatively low in calories," Held says. That combination of fiber and water enables you to feel full longer, important for weight control. Produce is also naturally low in fat and sodium and contains phytochemicals, compounds in plants that may reduce the risk of certain diseases. "The deeper and more vibrantly colored produce is packed with the most nutrients," she says. And yes, frozen, canned or dried foods are just as nutritious as their fresh counterparts because they are packaged at their nutrient peak, she says.

Tip:With frozen vegetables or fruits, look for no added sugars, fats or sodium. Canned fruit is healthier when packed in natural juices or water. Look for canned vegetables with no salt added; rinsing in water removes about 40% of the sodium.

Missing out on whole grains
February's issue of the Tufts University Health & Nutrition Letter notes that "consuming a diet rich in whole grains has been linked to educed risk of chronic diseases, including heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and some cancers" Held says. However, most people don't eat enough whole grains. The newly released 2010 Dietary Guidelines for Americans recommends that at least half of all grains consumed be whole grains, and that whole-grain intake be increased by replacing refined grains with whole grains.

Tip:"Many grain-based foods have terms that can fool you into thinking they are whole-grain," Held says. "100% wheat, for example, refers to the fact that wheat is the only grain used. It could actually contain processed white flour and no whole wheat." Some clues to whole grain include the terms "100% whole wheat, whole wheat, whole white wheat, whole rye, whole oats, rolled oats, cornmeal, popcorn, brown rice, wild rice, quinoa, barley and bulgur.

Ignoring the nutrition label
Using the label "helps us choose more nutritious foods by tracking calories, identifying ingredients, maximizing nutrients and comparing products," Held says. And it's an essential tool when checking out the center aisles of the grocery store where many healthy food choices share space with less healthy options full of fat, sugar and sodium.

Tip:Pay particular attention to the serving size and calories per serving listed on the nutrition label. A packaged muffin may contain 300 calories a serving, but if the serving size listed is one-half muffin, there are two servings per package and the actual muffin contains 600 calories.

How many apples eaten in the US are from Washington State?
6 out of 10 - The most popular varieties are Red Delicious, Granny Smith, Golden Delicious and Gala.

How many glasses of milk can one cow produce in a year?
46,000 - The average cow produces 2,100 pounds of milk a month.

What state produces the most cranberries?
Wisconsin - Each year, cranberry producers grow more than 300 million pounds of the tart berries.

What nut is the peach related to?
Almond - Almonds are stone fruits related to cherries, plums and peaches. California produces 80% of the world's supply of almonds.

How many honeybees does it take to produce a tablespoon of honey?

12 - Twelve busy little bees must collect the nectar from 2,000 flowers to make a tablespoon of honey.

What is the oldest known plant used for livestock feed?
Alfalfa - Records of its use as livestock feed date to as early as 1,000 B.C. Alfalfa is one of the most nutritious crops to feed to animals.

How many pounds of tomatoes does the average American eat each year?
22 lbs. - More than half the nation's tomato consumption is in the form of ketchup and tomato sauce.

"Over 80 percent of mankind's diet is provided by the seeds of less than a dozen plant species." (26F, pg 2) Over the years man has invented new machines and techniques to increase the amount and variety of crop production. The following will be an overview of the history of farming. We will examine the major historical cultures, the development of the tractor, and the major types of agriculture practiced today.

The roots of farming began in the areas of present day Turkey and the Middle East about 10,000 years ago. Two of the earliest settlements are known as Catal Hüyük and Jericho. Catal Hüyük had, by 6000 B.C., more then 1000 houses. It is at this place that we have discovered evidence of people taking wild grasses and using the seeds for food and planting for the next years food. These seeds are now known as cereals and make up a large percentage of the worlds food supply.

Jericho, like many early cities, was located around a consistent water source, a spring which produced over 1000 gallons of water every minute. Jericho consisted of about eight to ten acres on which it is estimated that two to three thousand people lived. These people were supported by farming of wheat, barley, peas, and lentils. Archeologist believe the earliest settlers in this area were a small group of hunter-gathers. Hunter - gathers would live off the land forging berry and edible plants, as well as hunting wild animals. These types of people lived in smaller groups because they had to be mobile to find more food. It was not until man began to plant and harvest crops that large permanent settlements could be established, like at Jericho.

We find many of the early civilizations began along major river systems. For example Egyptians settled along the Nile River, Harappa culture along the Indus, Chinese Empire along the Huang River and the Mesopotamian Countries along the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. The river systems provided these early civilizations with a consistent source of silt from the yearly floods and water for the crops. The silt is like a natural fertilizer, bringing new minerals to enrich the crop depleted soil.

Farming changed very little from early times until about 1700. In the 1700's an agriculture revolution took place which led to a large increase in the production of crops. This increase of crops came about in a large part by ". . . little more then the final destruction of medieval institutions and the more general adoption of techniques and crops which had been know for a long time" . Included in some of these changes was also the adoption of crops from the "new world" such as corn and potatoes which produced a very large yield.

In the 1850's, the industrial revolution spilled over to the farm with new mechanized methods which increased production rates. Early on, the large changes were in the use of new farm implements. Most of these early implements were still powered by horse or oxen. These new implements combined with crop rotation, manure and better soil preparation lead to a steady increase of crop yield in Europe.

The advent of steam power and later gas powered engines brought a whole new dimension to the production of crops. Yet, even as recent as 100 years ago, four-fifth of the world populations lived outside towns and were in some way dependant on agriculture. Even in 1970's Griggs suggests that half of the worlds working population is still employed in agriculture

Twenty two million American workers produce, process, sell and trade the nation's food and fiber. But only 4.6 million of those people live on the farms-- slightly less than 2 percent of the total U.S. Population.

Consumers spend $547 billion for food originating on U.S. farms and ranches. Of each dollar spent on food, the farmer's share is approximately 23 cents. The rest are for costs beyond the farm gate: wages and materials for production, processing, marketing, transportation and distribution.

On average, every hour, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, around $6 million in U.S. agricultural products--grains, oilseeds, cotton, meats, vegetables, snack foods, etc., will be consigned for shipment for export to foreign markets.

Agricultural land provides habitat for 75 percent of the nation's wildlife. Deer, moose, waterfowl and other species have shown significant population increases during the past several years.

Ethanol and new bio-diesel fuels made from corn and other grains are beneficial to the environment and promote energy security.

There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.

A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,' said the hospitable old man. 'But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.'

'Oh!' said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, 'Just how far is it to the next house?'

The farm had been mortgaged to give his daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."

The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say 'ain't!

There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.

"President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. He said he hoped his support would make it easier for gay people to get married and for John Travolta to get a massage." –Conan O'Brien

"You know who is really against the president's position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse." –Jay Leno

"Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married." –Craig Ferguson

"Today Barack Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. Then he said, 'Okay, now where's my show on Bravo?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney responded today by restating his own views on marriage. He said marriage should only take place between two consenting rich people." –Craig Ferguson

"Romney said he had no problem with gay people because one of his best friends owns San Francisco." –Craig Ferguson

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"Congratulations gay people -- you are about to discover the joys of alimony." --Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban. ... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" --David Letterman

"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate. Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry." --Amy Poehler

"Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives." –Conan O'Brien

"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." --Jay Leno

"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

"New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it's great for everybody — especially divorce lawyers." –David Letterman

"The California Supreme Court overturned the state's ban on gay marriage. Man, you thought it was bad for single women before. All the good ones are either gay or married. Now they're gay and married. ... In fact, in West Hollywood, man, guys are so happy, they were overturning each other." --Jay Leno

"A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry." --Amy Poehler

"The California Supreme Court ruled that it is legal for homosexuals to get married in California. ... As a result, thousands of wedding planners will finally get to plan their own wedding." --Conan O'Brien

"Gay folks are now allowed to get married in San Francisco. All of California. So right now, gay men are asking themselves the big question: who's driving and who nags." --David Letterman

"When you're a gay couple getting married, who gets the bachelor party? Who goes downstairs in the middle of the night to check on the noise? Who forgets the anniversary? Who refuses to stop and ask for directions? And which one of you will take forever to get ready?" –David Letterman

"The White House is considering supporting same sex marriage. Experts are attributing the change to shifting public attitudes, recent court cases, and the President catching a recent episode of 'Glee.'" —Conan O'Brien

"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno

"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

"Some say gay marriage will soon be an everyday event as common as, like, a Pamela Anderson marriage." --Jay Leno

"And New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. Let's try the gay thing." --Jay Leno

"Somehow bigotry won out here, even in liberal California. We voted to outlaw gay marriage. ... But I have to stand with the gays on this. Gay people, I think, have every right to insist that they will not be happy until they're allowed to be miserable." --Bill Maher

"Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as 'beautiful' - and the honeymoon as 'horrifying.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In California, the ban on gay marriage passed. Gay people are furious. They stormed the State Capitol in Sacramento and caused $3 million in improvements to the city." --Craig Ferguson

"On Wednesday, Maine became the fifth state to legalize gay marriage, after Governor Balducci signed a same-sex marriage bill into law. It's the best news for gays in Maine since L.L. Bean introduced a line of assless duck-waders." --Seth Meyers "The gay agenda put another notch in its thick leather crotch harness yesterday Maine has legalized gay marriage." --Jon Stewart

"New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. Let's try the gay thing." --Jay Leno

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

"The California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage, but that's not all. The court also upheld Prop 9, which allows metrosexuals to continue using too much bronzer." --Jimmy Fallon

"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, the big story here in California -- California Supreme Court today upheld Proposition 8. That's the ban on gay marriage. They upheld the ban, which is bad news, unless you're a gay guy that doesn't want to get married, you see. Now you can go, 'Bob, the courts have spoken.'" --Jay Leno

"As of today, same-sex couples may now legally get married in Vermont. So finally, finally, after years of waiting, we'll get to hear these words out of Vermont: 'I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In New Hampshire the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich yesterday. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. Newt is very firm in his belief. Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife ... and his mistress ... and the other woman he's seeing on the side." –Jay Leno

"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both." -Jay Leno

"A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant." --Jimmy Kimmel

"People are trying to understand the judge's thinking on this. Well, I think it's pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn't screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it." --Jay Leno

renters' rights

1.The Fair Housing Act makes it illegal to deny housing to a tenant on the grounds of race, color, sex, religion, disability, family status, or national origin.

2.Residential rental units should be habitable and in compliance with housing and health codes—meaning they should be structurally safe, sanitary, weatherproofed, and include adequate water, electricity, and heat.

3.Many states limit the amount landlords can charge for security deposits.

4.A landlord should make necessary repairs and perform maintenance tasks in a timely fashion, or include a provision in the lease stating that tenants can order repairs and deduct the cost from rent.

5.A landlord must give prior notice (typically 24 hours) before entering your premises and can normally only do so to make repairs or in case of an emergency.

6.Illegal provisions in a rental agreement (provisions counter to state law) are usually not enforceable in court.

7.If a landlord has violated important terms related to health, safety, or necessary repairs, you might have a legal right to break your lease.

8.If you have to break a long-term lease, in most states landlords are required to search for a new tenant as soon as possible rather than charging the tenant for the full duration of the lease.

9.Damage or security deposits are not deductible for "normal wear and tear." Some states require that a landlord give an itemized report of any deductions.

10.Most states require landlords to return refundable portions of a security deposit within 14 to 30 days after the tenant has vacated the premises, even in the case of eviction.

11.Landlords usually can't legally seize a tenant's property for nonpayment of rent or any other reason, except in the case of abandonment as defined by law.

12.Landlords are legally prohibited from evicting tenants as retaliation for action a tenant takes related to a perceived landlord violation.

13.A landlord cannot legally change the locks, shut off (or cause to have shut off) your utilities, or evict you without notice; eviction requires a court order.

14.If a landlord makes life so miserable for you that it forces you to move, it may be considered "constructive eviction," which is usually grounds for legal action.

15.In many states, it's illegal for a lease to stipulate that the tenant is responsible for the landlord's attorney fees in case of a court dispute.

RENT
Pet Shop Boys
Album: Actually

You dress me up, I'm your puppet
You buy me things, I love it
You bring me food, I need it
You give me love, I feed it

And look at the two of us in sympathy
With everything we see
I never want anything, it's easy
You buy whatever I need

But look at my hopes, look at my dreams
The currency we've spent
(Ooooh) I love you, oh, you pay my rent
(Ooooh) I love you, oh, you pay my rent

You phone me in the evening on hearsay
And bought me caviar
You took me to a restaurant off Broadway
To tell me who you are

We never-ever argue, we never calculate
The currency we've spent
(Ooooh) I love you, oh, you pay my rent
(Ooooh) I love you, you pay my rent
(Ooooh) I love you, oh, you pay my rent

I'm your puppet
I love it

And look at the two of us in sympathy
And sometimes ecstasy
Words mean so little, and money less
When you're lying next to me

But look at my hopes, look at my dreams
The currency we've spent
(Ooooh) I love you, oh, you pay my rent
(Ooooh) I love you, you pay my rent
(Ooooh) Ooh, I love you, you pay my rent

Look at my hopes, look at my dreams
The currency we've spent
(Ooooh) I love you, oh, you pay my rent
(Ooooh) I love you, you pay my rent

Look at my hopes, look at my dreams
The currency we've spent
(Ooooh) I love you, oh, you pay my rent
(Ooooh) I love you, you pay my rent
(Ooooh) I love you, you pay my rent (It's easy, it's so easy)
(Ooooh) You pay my rent (It's easy, it's so easy)
(Ooooh) You pay my rent (It's easy, it's so easy)
(Ooooh) I love you (It's easy, it's so easy)
(It's easy, it's so easy)
(It's easy, it's so easy)

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success. ~Robert Orben

Just about a month from now I'm set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars. ~Richard Halliburton

There is a good reason they call these ceremonies "commencement exercises." Graduation is not the end; it's the beginning. ~Orrin Hatch

Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money. ~Gary Bolding

The tassel's worth the hassle! ~Author Unknown

The fireworks begin today. Each diploma is a lighted match. Each one of you is a fuse. ~Edward Koch

All that stands between the graduate and the top of the ladder is the ladder. ~Author Unknown

Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you'll make a difference. ~Arie Pencovici

At commencement you wear your square-shaped mortarboards. My hope is that from time to time you will let your minds be bold, and wear sombreros. ~Paul Freund

When you leave here, don't forget why you came. ~Adlai Stevenson, to college graduates

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed. ~Erma Bombeck

You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world. ~Tom Brokaw

It takes most men five years to recover from a college education, and to learn that poetry is as vital to thinking as knowledge. ~Brooks Atkinson, Once Around the Sun, 1951

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. ~Theodore Roosevelt

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. ~Author unknown, commonly attributed to Benjamin Franklin

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. ~Garry Trudeau

[I]t is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. ~Woody Allen, "My Speech to the Graduates," Side Effects, 1980

People will frighten you about a graduation.... They use words you don't hear often: "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices. ~Bill Cosby

Your schooling may be over, but remember that your education still continues. ~Author Unknown

Life is my college. May I graduate well, and earn some honors! ~Louisa May Alcott

It is indeed ironic that we spend our school days yearning to graduate and our remaining days waxing nostalgic about our school days. ~Isabel Waxman

In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later. ~Harold Geneen

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The man who graduates today and stops learning tomorrow is uneducated the day after. ~Newton D. Baker

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten. ~B.F. Skinner

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught. ~Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist," 1890

The things taught in schools and colleges are not an education, but the means of education. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates. ~A. Lawrence Lowell

If you feel that you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you. ~Robert Goheen, Time, 23 June 1961

The truth is, I was afraid the day I walked into Stanford. And I was afraid the day I walked out. ~Carly Fiorina

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

You cannot help but learn more as you take the world into your hands. Take it up reverently, for it is an old piece of clay, with millions of thumbprints on it. ~John Updike

The purpose of a liberal education is to make you philosophical enough to accept the fact that you will never make much money. ~Author Unknown

A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep. ~W.H. Auden

The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate. ~Doug Larson

The one real object of education is to have a man in the condition of continually asking questions. ~Bishop Mandell Creighton

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance! ~Andy McIntyre

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks. ~A.A. Milne

During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz. I breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was a joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade. "Absolutely," the professor said. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. ~Joann C. Jones

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural "she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Jeffrey. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts 'Let Jeffrey graduate, let Jeffrey graduate!'

The principal agrees to give Jeffrey one last chance. 'If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jeffrey, how many apples do I have?' he asked.

Jeffrey thought long and hard and then said: 'Ten.'

And the entire senior class stood up and shouted 'Give Jeffrey another chance. Give Jeffrey another chance!

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to graduate."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, '...I would do... anything!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Yes,... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...... study?"

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a
smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Rejection Letter

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely, XXXXXXXX

1.times square

Formerly named Longacre Square, it was renamed in April 1904 after the New York Times moved its headquarters to the Times Building, now called One Times Square.

times square

2. Nicknames include 'The Crossroads of the World' and 'The Great White Way', and reportedly 'The Tenderloin' because it was supposedly the most desirable location in Manhatten in the 1920s.

times square

3. The 1929 stock market crash took its toll on the area, with many businesses moving out of the area to be replace with seedier forms of entertainment, including pornographic "peep shows".

times square

4. New York City began a slow but steady push to clean up Times Square in the 1990s led by Mayor Rudolph Giuliani - the process was referred to as the 'Disneyfication'.

times square

5. On New Year's Eve, close to a million people congregrate to celebrate the 'Dropping of the Ball'.

times square

6. The ball was replaced by an energy efficient ball in 2008.

times square

7. In 1972, Dick Clark began hosting the half-hour special Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve.

times square

8. The location has been used in numerous films, including Vanilla Sky when it is depicted as eerily quiet, and a post-apocalyptic version in I Am Legend.

times square

9. Famous for its electric, neon and illuminated signs including Coca-Cola, Toshiba and the curved NASDAQ sign.

times square

10. In February this year, Times Square became smoke free.

The Statue of Liberty celebrates her birthday on October 28th in honor of the day she was officially accepted by the president of the United States in 1886.

Visitors must climb 354 stairs to reach the Statue of Liberty's crown (or take an elevator to a lower lookout point).

There are 25 windows in Lady Liberty's crown.

The seven spikes on the Statue of Liberty's crown represent either the seven oceans or the seven continents.

The statue is made of copper and is now green in color because of oxidation (a chemical reaction between metal and water) from evaporation of the seawater surrounding it.

The Staue of Liberty weighs 450,000 pounds (204, 100 kilograms).

The Statue of Liberty has size 879 sandals that are each 25 feet (7.6m) long

The Statue of Liberty is a colossal neoclassical sculpture on Liberty Island in New York Harbor, designed by Frédéric Bartholdi and dedicated on October 28, 1886. The statue, a gift to the United States from the people of France, is of a robed female figure representing Libertas, the Roman goddess of freedom, who bears a torch and a tabula ansata (a tablet evoking the law) upon which is inscribed the date of the American Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776. A broken chain lies at her feet. The statue has become an icon of freedom and of the United States.

What is genital herpes?

Genital herpes is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) caused by the herpes simplex viruses type 1 (HSV-1) or type 2 (HSV-2). Most genital herpes is caused by HSV-2. Most individuals have no or only minimal signs or symptoms from HSV-1 or HSV-2 infection. When signs do occur, they typically appear as one or more blisters on or around the genitals or rectum. The blisters break, leaving tender ulcers (sores) that may take two to four weeks to heal the first time they occur. Typically, another outbreak can appear weeks or months after the first, but it almost always is less severe and shorter than the first outbreak. Although the infection can stay in the body indefinitely, the number of outbreaks tends to decrease over a period of years.

All STD Fact Sheets

How common is genital herpes?

Results of a nationally representative study show that genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide, 16.2%, or about one out of six, people 14 to 49 years of age have genital HSV-2 infection. Over the past decade, the percentage of Americans with genital herpes infection in the U.S. has remained stable.

herpes

Genital HSV-2 infection is more common in women (approximately one out of five women 14 to 49 years of age) than in men (about one out of nine men 14 to 49 years of age). Transmission from an infected male to his female partner is more likely than from an infected female to her male partner.

How do people get genital herpes?

HSV-1 and HSV-2 can be found in and released from the sores that the viruses cause, but they also are released between outbreaks from skin that does not appear to have a sore. Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission can occur from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected.

HSV-1 can cause genital herpes, but it more commonly causes infections of the mouth and lips, so-called “fever blisters.” HSV-1 infection of the genitals can be caused by oral-genital or genital-genital contact with a person who has HSV-1 infection. Genital HSV-1 outbreaks recur less regularly than genital HSV-2 outbreaks.

What are the signs and symptoms of genital herpes?

Most people infected with HSV-2 are not aware of their infection. However, if signs and symptoms occur during the first outbreak, they can be quite pronounced. The first outbreak usually occurs within two weeks after the virus is transmitted, and the sores typically heal within two to four weeks. Other signs and symptoms during the primary episode may include a second crop of sores, and flu-like symptoms, including fever and swollen glands. However, most individuals with HSV-2 infection never have sores, or they have very mild signs that they do not even notice or that they mistake for insect bites or another skin condition.

People diagnosed with a first episode of genital herpes can expect to have several (typically four or five) outbreaks (symptomatic recurrences) within a year. Over time these recurrences usually decrease in frequency. It is possible that a person becomes aware of the "first episode" years after the infection is acquired.

What are the complications of genital herpes?

Genital herpes can cause recurrent painful genital sores in many adults, and herpes infection can be severe in people with suppressed immune systems. Regardless of severity of symptoms, genital herpes frequently causes psychological distress in people who know they are infected.

herpes

In addition, genital HSV can lead to potentially fatal infections in babies. It is important that women avoid contracting herpes during pregnancy because a newly acquired infection during late pregnancy poses a greater risk of transmission to the baby. If a woman has active genital herpes at delivery, a cesarean delivery is usually performed. Fortunately, infection of a baby from a woman with herpes infection is rare.

Herpes may play a role in the spread of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Herpes can make people more susceptible to HIV infection, and it can make HIV-infected individuals more infectious.

How is genital herpes diagnosed?

The signs and symptoms associated with HSV-2 can vary greatly. Health care providers can diagnose genital herpes by visual inspection if the outbreak is typical, and by taking a sample from the sore(s) and testing it in a laboratory. HSV infections can be diagnosed between outbreaks by the use of a blood test. Blood tests, which detect antibodies to HSV-1 or HSV-2 infection, can be helpful, although the results are not always clear-cut.

Is there a treatment for herpes?

There is no treatment that can cure herpes, but antiviral medications can shorten and prevent outbreaks during the period of time the person takes the medication. In addition, daily suppressive therapy for symptomatic herpes can reduce transmission to partners.

How can herpes be prevented?

The surest way to avoid transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, including genital herpes, is to abstain from sexual contact, or to be in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship with a partner who has been tested and is known to be uninfected.

DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I'm doing ?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now", he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her."Do you know," he pants "what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

GREETINGS THAT HALLMARK NEVER USED....
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!'Cause when I got one, I got real snippy.
I heard you had herpes And I feel terrible.I'd say "get well soon" But I know it's incurable.

My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire, I found your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed, And you're on the mends.Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends.

So you lost your job, It's one of those hardships in life.Next time, work harder And stay away from the boss's wife.

I heard you had herpes And I feel terrible.I'd say "get well soon" But I know it's incurable.

JEWISH HERPES
There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home -- I'll look it up and call you." So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth... "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry! It says...herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

Q: How does herpes leave the hospital?
A: On crotches

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever

Q: Why did the dumb blonde name her dog Herpes
A: Because it wouldn't heel

Q: How can you tell if you're staying over at the wrong girl's apartment?
A: The towels in her bathroom are labeled "His" and "Herpes."

One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (Thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this." Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a $100 bill which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the $100 vanishes.Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another $100 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told.Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back. "I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?""Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

$\:lol\:$

Dog meat refers to edible parts and the flesh derived from (predominantly domestic) dogs. Human consumption of dog meat has been recorded in many parts of the world, including ancient China, ancient Mexico, and ancient Rome.According to contemporary reports, dog meat is consumed in a variety of countries such as Switzerland,[3] China,[4] Vietnam,[5] Korea.In addition, dog meat has also been used as survival food in times of war and/or other hardships.The Donner Party, stranded in the Sierra Nevada Mountains during the height of the Mexican-American War, is a noted example of having eaten a pet dog for survival purposes, though it became more known over the years due to cannibalism.

In contemporary times, some cultures view the consumption of dog meat to be a part of their traditional cuisine, while others consider consumption of dog to be inappropriate and offensive. In response to criticisms, proponents of dog meat have argued that distinctions between livestock and pets is subjective, and that there is no difference with eating the meat of different animals, while countering that those critical of dog meat consumption are guilty of cultural supremacy, if not racism. Eating dog is forbidden under Jewish and Islamic dietary laws, as dogs are considered to be ritually unclean in these two faiths.

Under Canada's Wildlife Act, it is illegal to sell meat from any wild species, but there is no law against selling and serving canine meat, including dogs, if it is killed and gutted in front of federal inspectors.

In 2003, health inspectors discovered four frozen canine carcasses in the freezer of a Chinese restaurant in Edmonton which, in the end, were found to be coyotes. The Edmonton health inspector said that it is not illegal to sell and eat the meat of dogs and other canines, as long as the meat has been inspected.

Dog meat (Chinese: 狗肉; pinyin: gǒu ròu) has been a source of food in some areas of China from around 500 BC, and possibly even earlier. Researchers in the Royal University of Technology theorized that wolves in southern China may have been domesticated as a source of meat.[18] Mencius, the philosopher, talked about dog meat as being an edible, dietary meat.[19] Dog meat is sometimes euphemistically called "fragrant meat" (香肉 xiāng ròu) or "mutton of the earth" (地羊 dì yáng) in Mandarin Chinese and "3-6 fragrant meat" (Chinese: 三六香肉; Cantonese Yale: sàam luhk hèung yuhk) in Cantonese (3 plus 6 is 9 and the words "nine" and "dog" are homophones, both pronounced gáu in Cantonese. In Mandarin, "nine" and "dog" are pronounced differently).

The eating of dog meat in China dates back thousands of years and it remains socially acceptable.[4] It is thought to have medicinal properties, and is especially popular in winter months, as it is believed to generate heat and promote bodily warmth.The meat is popular in Guangdong and Guangxi[23] from whence it went on the menu for Chinese astronauts to consume in outer space. When food is scarce, dogs are eaten as an emergency food source.
Some controversy has emerged about the treatment of dogs in China, not because of the consumption itself, but because of other factors like cruelty involved with the killing, including allegations the animals are sometimes skinned while still alive.

A growing movement against consumption of cat and dog meat has gained attention from people in mainland China. Those changes began about two years after the formation of the Chinese Companion Animal Protection Network (CCAPN), a networking project of the Chinese Animal Protection Network. Expanded to more than 40 member societies, CCAPN in January 2006 began organizing well-publicized protests against dog and cat eating, starting in Guangzhou, and following up in more than ten other cities "with very optimal response from public." Before the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Chinese officials in Beijing ordered dog meat to be taken off of the menu at its 112 official Olympic restaurants in order to not offend visitors from various nations who would be appalled by the offering of dog meat at Beijing eateries.

Since January 2007, more than ten Chinese groups have joined an online signing event against the consumption of cat and dog meat. The signatures indicate the participants will avoid eating cat and dog meat in the future. This online signing event received more than 42,000 signatures from public, and has been circulated around the country.

Some Chinese restaurants in the United States serve "imitation dog meat", which is usually pulled pork, and purportedly flavored like dog meat, e.g. "Northern Chinese Restaurant", in Rosemead, California. These restaurants do not serve genuine dog meat.

In China, draft legislation has been proposed at the start of 2010, which aims to prohibit the consumption of dog meat.[23] The legislation, however, is not expected to be effective, despite officially outlawing the eating of dog meat if it is passed. On 26 January 2010, the first draft proposal of the legislation was introduced, with the main reason for the law reportedly to protect the country's animals from maltreatment, and includes a measure to jail people who eat dog for up to 15 days.However food festivals continue to promote the meat. For example the 4th annual Yulin, Shaanxi food fair that took place on May 29, 2011 spanning 10 days consumed 15,000 dogs.

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.

As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."

During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.
One said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he is cross-eyed?" "No, because he is really, really heavy.

A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."

The little girl goes to her father,
"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you."
"Hm." He answers, takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's butt with it.
"OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."

Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, "Where is Susie?"
Little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home."

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

49. OLDEST BAREFOOT WATER-SKIER: George Blair, 87, of the USA waterskied barefoot on Lake Florence, Florida, in 2002.

50. MOST PEOPLE CRAMMED INTO A SMART CAR: 13 girls in Munich, Germany, in 1999

47. SHORTEST MAN: In 1990, Gul Mohammed of India was just 57cm tall.
48. MOST TENNIS BALLS HELD IN ONE HAND: Francisco Peinado Toledo of Spain held 18 for 10 seconds last year.

45. LONGEST TONGUE: Britain's Stephen Taylor has a tongue measuring 9.4cm from the tip to the centre of his closed top lip.

46. STRANGEST DIET: Frenchman Michel Lotito has been eating metal and glass since 1959.

43. LONGEST TIME ON ONE FOOT: Arulanantham Suresh Joachim of Sri Lanka balanced for 76hrs, 40mins in 1997.

44. LONGEST TIME TRAPPED IN A LIFT: Cypriot Kively Papajohn, 76, was trapped from Dec 28, 1987, to Jan 2, 1988. She lived on the food in her shopping bag.

41. LONGEST JOKE-TELLING MARATHON: In 1992, Mike Heeman of the USA cracked 12,682 in 24hrs.

42. BLINDFOLDED SPEED RECORD: Briton Mike Newman hit 164.87mph on a motorbike in Wiltshire last year.

39. MOST RATTLESNAKES HELD IN MOUTH: Jackie Bibby of the USA held eight live snakes by their tails for 12.5secs in 2001.

40. FASTEST TIME TO TYPE A MILLION: Between 1982 and 1998, Aussie Les Stewart typed the numbers one to one million in words.

36. LARGEST CHEST: Robert Earl Hughes of the USA - 315cm.

37. FARTHEST EYEBALL POPPER: Kim Goodman of the USA popped hers 1mm beyond her sockets in 1998.

38. MOST BODY SKIPS: In 2003, handcuffed Ved Prakash Sharma of India skipped with his arms 27 times in a minute, stepping through his arms and bringing them over his head.

34. HEAVIEST MAN: In 1978, Jon Brower Minnoch of the USA weighed more than 100st.

35. LARGEST HANDS: Hussain Bisad of Somalia's measure 26.9cm from the wrist to the tip of his middle finger.

32. MOTIONLESS: In 1997, Om Prakash Singh of India stood still for 20hrs, 10mins and 6secs.

33. TALLEST LIVING WOMAN: Sandy Allen of the USA, at 7ft 7ins.

29. ORANGE NOSE PUSH: Alistair Ross pushed an orange with his nose along Brighton seafront for a mile last year.

30. MOST WATCHES EATEN: Kim Seung Do from Seoul, South Korea, ate five in 1hr 34mins in 1998.

31. LONGEST MAGGOT BATH: Christine Martin of Horsham, West Sussex, sat in a bath of them for 1hr 30mins in 2002.

26. HEAVIEST TRAIN PULLED WITH BEARD: Ismael Rivas Falcon of Spain pulled a 6,069lb train in 2001.

27. MOST CONSECUTIVE FOOT JUGGLING FLIPS WITH A HUMAN: In 2000, Iranian Ali Bandbaz juggled his brother Massoud for twelve 360o revolutions using his feet.

28. THE HEAVIEST TWINS: In 1978, Billy Leon McCrary weighed 51st 9lbs and his brother, Benny Lloyd, was 57st 1lbs. Both died from heart failure.

23. FASTEST BALLOON DOG MADE BEHIND BACK: Britain's Craig "Blink" Keith made a balloon poodle in 9.26secs in May, all with his hands behind his back.

24. FASTEST SPEED DRAGGED BEHIND A MOTORBIKE: Gary Rothwell of Liverpool was dragged at 156mph on 2mm titanium-soled boots in 1999.

25. MOST SPOONS BALANCED ON FACE: America's Tim Johnston, 12, balanced 15 on his face for 30secs in May.

19. MOST PIERCED MAN: Luis Antonio Aguero from Cuba has 230 piercings.

20. MOST CHILDREN DELIVERED: American Bobby McCaughey had seven delivered by Caesarean in 1997.

21. MOST FEET SNIFFED: In a 15-year career, Madeline Albrecht sniffed 5,600 feet while working for footcare experts Dr Scholl in the USA.

22. MOST ELASTIC MAN: Pierre Beauchemin is nicknamed Mr Gumby for his ability to contort his arms and legs.

16. LONGEST TIME WITH A NAIL IN THE HEAD: Robin Hanshaw of Stoke Poges, Bucks, had a one-inch rusty nail stuck between his ear and eye for 22 years.

17. MOST COMPULSIVE SWALLOWER: In 1927, a Canadian woman had 2,533 objects removed from her stomach, including 947 pins.

18. MOST LIGHTNING STRIKES SURVIVED: Roy C Sullivan from Virginia, USA, was struck for the seventh time in 1977.

12. HAIRIEST FAMILY: Mexicans Victor and Gabriel Ramos Gomez have 98% of their bodies covered in fur.

13. HIGHEST G-FORCE ENDURED VOLUNTARILY: 82.6g for 0.04secs by Eli L Beeding Jr of the USA in 1958. He spent three days in hospital afterwards.

14. LONGEST ATTACK OF HICCUPS: Charles Osborne of the USA - 1922 to 1990.

15. LONGEST TATTOO SESSION: In 2003, Chris Goodwill spent 33 hours tattooing Kevin Budden in Plumstead, South East London.

9. OLDEST PERSON TO LOOP THE LOOP: In 1998, Adeline Ablitt, 95, did a glider loop over Leicestershire.

10. HIGHEST TIGHTROPE WALK: Frenchman Michael Menin walked a 3,150 metre-high tightrope in 1989.

11. WALKING - GREATEST DOCUMENTED LIFETIME MILEAGE: Between 1969 and 2000, Arthur Blessitt of Florida, USA, walked 34,501 miles on seven continents while carrying a 3.7-metre cross.

6. MOST CONSECUTIVE POGO-STICK JUMPS: In 1990, Gary Stewart did 177,737 in California.

7. MOST GLASSES BALANCED ON THE CHIN: In 2001, Ashrita Furman managed 75 pint beer glasses for 10.6secs in New York.

8. MOST ONE-FINGER PUSH-UPS: In 1992, Paul Lynch performed 124 in London.

3. HIGHEST SHALLOW DIVE: In January, Danny Higginbottom of Louisiana dived 8.90m into 30cm of water.

4. BREATH HELD VOLUNTARILY: The USA's Robert Foster held his breath for 13mins 42.5secs in 1959.

5. LONGEST TIME TO ENDURE FULL BODY ICE CONTACT: Wim Hoff of the Netherlands stood in an ice cube-filled tube for 1hr 17mins in January.

1. FASTEST TALKER: In 1995, Canadian Sean Shannon recited Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy, 260 words, in 23.8secs.

2. HEAVIEST VEHICLE PULLED OVER 100FT: This year, Derek Boyer of Australia pulled a 30.68-tonne truck-trailer combination 30.5 metres.

excuses to leave work early

1. My kids are locked outside.

2. My kids are locked inside.

3. My kids are stuck in the door.

4. I have to pick on my kids.

5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.

excuses to leave work early

6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.

7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.

10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.

excuses to leave work early

11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).

12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.

13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).

14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

excuses to leave work early

16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

17. My truss snapped.

18. My support hose popped.

19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.

20. I’m arranging financing for a house.

excuses to leave work early

21. I’m arranging financing for a car.

22. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.

23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.

26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.

27. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.

28. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.

29. My back aches.

30. My stomach aches.

excuses to leave work early

31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

32. My biological clock is ticking.

33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.

34. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.

35. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.

excuses to leave work early

36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.

37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.

38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.

39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.

40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.

41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.

excuses to leave work early

42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.

43. I think I left the iron on.

44. I think I left the water on.

45. I think I left the refrigerator on.

46. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.

excuses to leave work early

47. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.

48. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.

49. I have to have my waistband let out.

50. I have to have my watchband let out.

51. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.

52. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

53. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

54. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.

55. I’m having a root canal.

56. I’m having a tax audit.

excuses to leave work early

57. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)

58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.

59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.

60. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.

61. I have to renew my driver’s license.

62. I have to get new license plates.

excuses to leave work early

63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.

64. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.

65. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.

66. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!

67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.

68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.

69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.

excuses to leave work early

70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.

71. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.

72. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.

73. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.

74. I need to give blood.

75. I need to give evidence.

76. I need to give up.

excuses to leave work early

77. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.

78. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.

79. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)

80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.

81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.

excuses to leave work early

82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.

83. I’m having my nails done.

84. I’m having my colors done.

85. I’m having my head examined.

86. I’m going to the bank.

87. I’m going to sleep.

excuses to leave work early

88. I’m going over the edge.

89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.

90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.

91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.

92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.

93. I need to check into a rest home.

94. I’m breaking in my shoes.

95. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.

96. I’m breaking out.

excuses to leave work early

97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

98. I have to pick out a car.

99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.

Clocks

The management of time by mechanical means comes from the invention of the clock during medieval times in monasteries in European countries. Back then, clocks were used to signal to the people that it was time to come together to pray. The clock would chime and the sound of the ringing bells would signal to people that it was time to pray. The irony, of course, is that clocks were originally made so that people would be helped to perform their daily prayers. But eventually clocks ended up as instruments of capitalism, which is basically the exact opposite of religion. Now we’re lucky if we can find the time to pray in our ever busier and busier life.

clocks

The pendulum clock was invented by Christian Huygens in 1656.
In the Arabic language, the word for clock is the same as the word for “hour”. This is true whether you are talking about a wristwatch or a wall clock, an hour of time, or “o’clock”. They are all the same word.

clocks

Unique Stone Wall Clocks Designed and Manufactured in the United States
We are all familiar with today’s clocks and watches. And most of us remember sundials were used in centuries past. What is not widely known is that the ancient Greeks used water for telling time. These water clocks worked on the basis of falling water turning gears and levers to make the clock move.

clocks

In 1797, a tax was placed on clocks in Great Britain. The tax was five shillings.
Who is the longest continuing clockmaker in the USA? Seth Thomas Clocks is America’s oldest continuous clockmaker, having manufactured clocks in the USA since 1813. Seth Thomas was founded in Thomaston, Connecticut, which at the time of its founding was known as Plymouth Hollow. Plymouth Hollow renamed the town Thomaston in honor of Seth Thomas the individual and the Seth Thomas Clock Company. In the Company’s earlier years Seth Thomas Clocks was a fairly sizable maker of grandfather clocks and grandmother clocks, which as this is written, are no longer part of their product line.

clocks

Concerning weighted cuckoo clocks- NEVER EVER move the hour hand when changing the time. ALWAYS move the minute hand or the clock will need to see a clock doctor. This action upsets the sensitive functions of the time mechanism.
The reason some clocks utilize quartz is because quartz pulsates in 1 second increments thus enabling the second hand to maintain accuracy.

clocks

The reason some clocks utilize quartz is because quartz pulsates in 1 second increments thus enabling the second hand to maintain accuracy.

clocks

The first alarm clock was invented in Concord New Hampshire by Levi Hutchins in 1787. It was never patented as the inventor didn’t care about money, he just didn’t want to oversleep anymore.

clocks

Emily Dickinson wrote a poem titled “The Clock strikes one that just struck two.” The Clock strikes one that just struck two — Some schism in the Sum — A Vagabond for Genesis Has wrecked the Pendulum —

clocks

John Harrison, an English clockmaker, devoted his life to the quest of accurately determining longitude in order to make sea faring safer.

Glocks

Founded in 1963, Glock started out as a manufacturer of curtain rods before branching out into the arms industry in the 1970s, manufacturing machine gun belts, practice hand grenades, plastic magazines, field knives, and entrenching tools for the Austrian Army. When, in the early 1980s, the Austrian Army requested a pistol model, Glock responded with the first polymer made handgun, the Glock 17 , a 9 mm semi-automatic pistol. (The 17 was so-named because it was Gaston Glock's seventeenth patent.) The Austrian Army adopted the Glock 17 in 1982 with the Norwegian Army adopting the model two years later. One year later, Glock Inc. was established in the US in Smyrna, Georgia. In the next few years, Glock expanded its 9 mm product line, developing the select-fire Glock 18 in 1986 and the Glock 17L and Glock 19 in 1988. In 1990 Glock became the first manufacturer to offer models chambered for the .40 S&W cartridge, the Glock 22 and the Glock 23, beating Smith & Wesson to the marketplace with pistols for their own cartridge.

GLOCKS

In 1998 the city of New Orleans filed a lawsuit in state court against Glock and other weapons manufacturers claiming the weapons could be made safer for children and requesting reimbursement for the cost of gun violence in the city. This was the first time a government suit was brought against a weapons manufaturer claiming they were responsible for the damages their products caused. The city of Atlanta was quick to file their own lawsuits and many other local and state governments followed. By 2000 over 30 cities and one state (New York) had filed similar lawsuits against gun manufacturers.

GLOCKS

In 2000 the Clinton administration reached an agreement with Smith and Wesson, the largest gun manufacturer in the United States. Glock originally did not agree to the settlement but latter agreed to change some practices.

GLOCKS

In 2006, Glock pistols were found in Sudan. Arms exports to Sudan are in contravention of UN and EU rules. Amnesty International issued an open letter to Austria's Parliament demanding an explanation of how the pistol ended up in Darfur. Glock sued Amnesty, claiming that it was falsely accused of violating the UN arms embargo. It lost its lawsuit and a subsequent appeal.

GLOCKS

Glock sidearms are common handguns among law enforcement agencies and military organizations around the world. The popularity of Glock pistols can be attributed to a number of factors. They are said to be very reliable, being able to function under extreme conditions and to fire a wide range of ammunition types. The simplicity of the Glock design contributes to this reliability, as it contains a relatively small number of components (nearly half as many as the typical handgun) making maintenance and repair easy.

GLOCKS

The polymer frame makes them lighter than typical steel or aluminum-framed handguns, which is attractive for police officers and civilians who carry firearms for extended periods of time. Glock pistols do not have any external controls such as levers, decockers, or manual safeties (stock). This adds to the simplicity of use and removes a potential source of errors when operating the handgun under stress. Most of the steel components in a Glock pistol are treated with a nitriding process called "Tenifer"[9], which increases the surface hardness and makes the weapon resistant to corrosion and wear.

GLOCKS

The popularity of Glock pistols inspired other manufacturers to begin production of similar polymer-framed firearms, including the Springfield XD, Steyr MA1, Smith & Wesson M&P, and Walther P99 pistols. Glocks tend to be in the middle of the price range for quality pistols: generally less expensive than similar SIG-Sauer and HK USP pistol models, but more expensive than Hi-Point or Taurus models.

GLOCKS

Glock pistols do set off metal detectors and can indeed be detected by X-ray machines, due to their metal barrels, slides, magazines, and ammunition. The erroneous claim that they could not was first made in an article by columnist Jack Anderson, entitled, "Quaddafi Buying Austrian Plastic Pistol", published in The Washington Post on January 13, 1985. The claim was then reported by the Associated Press and further reported by many United States television news stations and newspapers. It has since become an urban legend that to this day continues to appear in news reports and movies, and has even been a topic of debate in the United States Congress and during oral argument before the United States Supreme Court in the case of District of Columbia v. Heller.

GLOCKS

In fact, 83.7% (by weight) of the Glock pistol is normal ordnance steel and the "plastic" parts are a dense polymer known as "Polymer 2", which is radio-opaque and is therefore visible to X-ray security equipment. In addition, virtually all of these "plastic" parts contain embedded steel not to make the firearms "detectable", but to increase functionality and shooting accuracy. Contrary to popular movies like Die Hard 2: Die Harder, neither Glock nor any other gun maker has ever produced a "porcelain", "ceramic" or "plastic" firearm which is undetectable by ordinary security screening devices. Even if a pistol completely undetectable by either X-ray machines or metal detectors were to be developed, the ammunition inside would still be detectable.

GLOCKS

In Die Hard 2, the character John McClane portrayed by Bruce Willis specifically referred to a non-existent "Glock 7" with many fictitious characteristics:
That punk pulled a Glock 7 on me! You know what that is? It's a porcelain gun made in Germany. It doesn't show up on your airport X-ray machines, and it costs more than you make here in a month!

Mike Papac, an armorer at Cinema Weaponry, which supplied the Glock pistols used in Die Hard 2, has stated, "I remember when we did that scene, I tried to talk them out of it. There's no such thing as a gun invisible to metal detectors, and there shouldn't be, but they wouldn't budge. They had it written into the script and that was that."[10]

GLCKS

The Glock pistol design was not the first to incorporate a plastic frame. Heckler & Koch used polymer for their VP70 pistol frame in 1970.[11] HK's innovation of polymer frames and polygonal rifling seem to have been influential in the Glock design. Still earlier, Remington introduced their polymer-framed Nylon 66 Rifle in 1959. This was so revolutionary at the time that Remington dyed the plastic brown to resemble wood and fitted a cosmetic sheet-metal cover on the receiver to make it appear to be made from steel. Further, the most extensive use of polymers in a pistol was in the Ram-Line Syn Tech Exactor pistol with a barrel made from steel-lined plastic.

When London hosts the Olympic Games in 2012 they will become the first city to officially stage the event for the third time. Athens would also share this honour but for the fact that the 1902 Athens Intercalated Olympic Games are not counted as an official event.! Great Britain only won 3 gold medals at the 1948 London Olympics and finished 12th in the medal tables. In total team GB won 23 medals. Subtract the Gold medals and put the numbers together and you get 2012.

Amazingly, 3 nations won exactly twenty medals and the 6th and 7th won 20 and 12 consecutively. In 1948 the USA came first in the medal tables with 84 medals. Add 48 and 84 and you get 'London' 132. which can be written as London Won 20+12. Numerology strikes again!

There is a very fair argument that the first modern Olympic Games actually took place in the small English village of Much Wenlock in 1866 - some 30 years before the 1896 Athens Games. They were the brainchild of Dr. William Penny Brookes and were visited by Baron Pierre de Coubertin who was so inspired by the event that he went on to found the International Olympic Committee. In 1994 the president of the IOC, Juan Antonio Samaranch, laid a wreath of the grave of Dr. Penny Brooke and acknowledged him as the 'real' founder of the Modern Olympic Games.

One of the London 2012 mascots is called Wenlock in recognition of the Much Wenlock Olympian Games.

One of the two designers of the 2012 Olympic Torch was originally from Shrewsbury a large town near Much Wenlock in Shropshire England.

Britain's first Olympic champion was actually a minor Scottish Aristocrat born in India. Launceston Elliot won the Single Hand Weightlifting Competition at the 1896 Athens Games. He is considered an inspiration for the first colour entertainment' film about the Olympics called Geordie and made in 1955.
.

The sporting pictograms that are now an integral part of the Olympic Games were first introduced at the 1948 London Games. There were originally just 20 Olympic Symbols and they were used on the tickets to help people find the events. They were reintroduced at the 1966 games and have

been used ever since.

The 1948 Olympic Games were the first to be held after the death of Baron Pierre de Coubertin.

At the 1908 London Games the organisers of the Marathon discovered that the British Royal Box was 385 yards further down route than the 26 mile finishing mark. The route was extended to finish exactly in front of King Edward VII and has been 26miles and 385 yards ever since.

Britain was the first country to stage a Paralympic event which took place on the Opening day of the 1948 London Olympics and were known as the Stoke Mandeville Games. Competitors were disabled war veterans. The name derives from Parallel Olympic.

One of the Mascots being used for the 2012 London Games has been named Mandeville in recognition of the Stoke Mandeville games for the disabled.

The oldest woman to have ever competed in the Olympic Games was equestrian Hilda L. Johnstone who, at the age of 70, took part in the Dressage Event at the 1972 Munich Games.

The 1981 Academy Award-winning film 'Chariots of Fire' was based on the stories of Harold Abrahams and Eric Liddell, two British Olympic competitors who beat the odds to become gold medallists at the 1924 Paris Games. Liddell won the 400 metres event while Abrahams won the 100 metre sprint. The theme music was composed by Greek Olympic enthusiast Evangelos Odysseas Papathanassiou (Vangelis) and is considered by many to be the best sports soundtrack of all time.

Only one Olympic medallist has also won the Nobel Peace Prize and that was Englishman (Baron) Philip Noel-Baker who won the silver medal for the 1500 metre race at the 1920 Antwerp Games. He won the Nobel prize in 1959 for his commitment to the reconciliation of nations and the prevention of war.

The 27th July 2012 is the opening day of the London 2012 Olympic Games but exactly 100 years earlier it was the last day of the Stockholm Olympics in 1912. It is precisely 2 days earlier than it was the last time it was held in London in 1948.

The first official supporting event of the London 2012 is the London Parade which will take place on the 1st of January 2012.

It has been announced that there will be serious fines of up to £20,000 for anyone 'streaking' at the London 2012 Olympic Games if they are using their nudity or partial nudity to advertise any product or brand that is not already associate with or a sponsor of the Games. It is uncertain what will happen to people who just get naked for fun

The Olympic flame will not pass through Norwich..

They don't want to risk the Torch Bearer being tried for Witchcraft.

Rain. Official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games.

Just got my tickets to the Olympic women's beach volleyball final!
Unfortunately, it's Iran versus Saudi Arabia.

Many Londoners aren't looking forward to the olympics due to the increase
of traffic, influx of foreigners and opportunist thieves. They have a point, I for
one can't imagine what a busy, crime riddled London full of foreigners would
be like.

An old man approached the White House from a cross Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, "Mr. President... Bill... since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, we'd like for you to throw out the first pitch."

President Clinton say excitedly, "SURE, I'D LOVE TOO... SOUUUIIEEEE!"

So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd and the crowd applauds.

Bill does the Presidential wave thing...and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. "SOUUUUIIEEEE". The crowd goes WILD!

George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, "That was just FANTASTIC...but I said 'throw out the first PITCH!'"

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself?
A. Because it would be racist.

Q. How can you tell when Obama has been smoking dope?
A. He answers the door when the phone rings.

Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
A. He thought Barry sounded too American.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Barack Obama.

Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi?
A. He thinks that things go better with coke.

Q. Why wouldn’t Barack salute the American flag?
A. It was ours.

Anagrams
President Barack Obama = Arab base, pink Democrat
President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish

Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Harry Truman said, “The buck stops here!”
Barack Obama says, “Leave the bucks here!”

Q. What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
A. Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.

Bill Clinton said, “I didn’t inhale.”
Barack Obama says, “I didn’t inject.”

Richard Nixon said “I am not a crook!”
Barack Obama says “I am not on crack!”

Q. Why did Obama think that he had campaigned in 57 states?
A. His heavy pot use has left him a brownie short of a full pan.

Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"

"According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president." –Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jay Leno

"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher

Q: What does Obama call illegal aliens?
A: Undocumented democrats.

Q: Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
A: The Country!

Q: How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson?
A: He got down on one knee and said "I don't wanna be Obama self.

Q: What's the first thing Barack and Michelle will ask their new pastor in Washington, D.C.?
A: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?

Q: How is Barack Obama going to get Republicans to cross party lines and support health care reform?
A: By giving their mistresses free breast implants!

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Four United States Presidents got caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard...

"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."

"No Problem," said the Wizard. "Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said: "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said: "The American people say that I need a brain."

"No problem," said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"

"Is Dorothy Here?"

''I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time; never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people. ''

—Bill Clinton, Jan. 26, 1998

If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas, Mexican Status

If your tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending business, yes you're a mexican

If you ever hurt yourself and your mama rubbed the area while chanting, " Sana Sana Colita de rana.." Your mexican. BIG TIME!!

If you have your last name in old english lettering anywhere on your car or truck or tattooed on your back. Yes, you are a Mexican (proud one too)

If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, your wifey, or your vieja.. guess what? your Mexican

If you throw a "grito" everytime you hear Vicente Fernandez. Then not only are you Mexican your a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and have been told "pobrecito de ti si lloras" or " Vas a ver orita que salgamos." Yes, you're definatly a mexican.

If you grew up scared of someone called the llorona and fear the dark because of El Cucuy. Yes!! Mexican!!

Si te percinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every drawing.
you're in the Mexican zone.

If you ask for something by " dame esa chingadera" instead of calling it by its name. Yup. Mexican.

If you constantly refer to cereal as " con fleys" or cake as " kay ke" you're mexican.

If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger... you might be mexican.

If you have some tias that dress up in their prom dress to go to a birthday party at "el Parque" you are mexican.

If your tias and abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels and all go to the pulga. Then yes you are a mexican.

If most of your houses on your block are bright pink, mint green, and purple...mexican

If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or the top of an old car to dry laundry. Yes, you are a mexican.

If your congested and your mama rubbed " vicks" into your nostrils to help relieve your sypmtoms, you're mexican.

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics he stated: "Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."

Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...

They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads: 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign... It reads : 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico '

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with litter near some of his association's homes. The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are being built right next to their community.

The trash was coming from the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups, napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help there either.

So here's what his community did. They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The 'Inner Neighborhood Services' group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and 'police' the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is so hilarious .

They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the initials 'INS' embroidered in gold on the caps.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might mistakenly think the letters really stand for.

After the Inner Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the next morning -- and haven't come back yet.

It has been ten days now.

The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee -- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and according to Wallace, the INS said basically, 'Have at it!'

SO, FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

'Need help, call Jesus.'

1-800-005-3787

...Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a towtruck.

'Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord

Originally Posted By: Frank Burns

Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps.

She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord

Frank messed up the cut and paste on this one.

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"

Originally Posted By: Frank Burns

'Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.

This joke is outrageous and ignorant. I will not stand for such stupidity.

US Hwy 52 goes nowhere near Lafayette, LA. You've fucked up again, Lothar.

US 52 is one of five U.S. highways to cross the Mississippi River more than once. It crosses the river three times: at Minneapolis via the Dartmouth Bridge, at St. Paul by the Lafayette Bridge, and between Iowa and Illinois by the Savanna–Sabula Bridge. The others are U.S. Route 61, which crosses the Mississippi four times, U.S. Route 169, which crosses three times, and U.S. Route 2 and U.S. Route 67, which each cross twice.

Raccoons are distinguished by a black mask across the eyes and bushy tail with anywhere from four to ten black rings. The forepaws resemble slender human hands and make the raccoon very dexterous. The coloration of the raccoon varies with habitat, and ranges from grey to reddish brown to buff.

Raccoons have a stocky build and typically weigh from six to seven kilograms (avg. 6 kg or 13.2 lbs). Males are usually heavier than females. The body length ranges from 603 to 950 mm (2 to 3 ft)

Raccoons are found across southern Canada, throughout most of the United States, and into northern South America. Raccoons prefer to live in moist woodland areas. They can also be found in farmlands, suburban, and urban areas.

What they eat: Raccoons are omnivorous animals (they eat plants and animals). Plant foods vary from fruits to nuts, including wild grapes, cherries, apples, berries, and acorns. Raccoons may also eat peaches, plums, figs, citrus fruits, watermelons, and walnuts. They also forage for crayfish, insects, frogs, fish, and bird eggs. Raccoons have adapted to eat trash and other food available in urban areas.

Behavior: Raccoons are nocturnal (active at night), but can sometimes be seen during daylight hours. They are solitary animals (live alone) and the only social group raccoons form consist of a mother and her young.

Although they move slowly, with a shuffle like walk, they can reach speeds of 15 miles per hour on the ground. Raccoons climb with agility and are can withstand a drop of 35 feet from a tree. Raccoons are excellent climbers and strong swimmers.

Reproduction: Raccoons mate between late January or early February.

Lifespan/Longevity: Raccoons have been known to live a maximum of 16 years in the wild. A captive animal was recorded living for 21 years. The life span of raccoons in the wild is estimated at three to five years.

Did you know?
Raccoons live an average of 5 years in the wild.
They are very agile climbers.
They are preyed on by coyotes, wolves, hawks, and owls.
Raccoons are nocturnal animals, so they are rarely seen during the day.
Raccoons have excellent night vision.

RACOON POOP
1
Compare the raccoon droppings to that of a medium sized dog. They look much like dog feces: dark, tubular in shape, up to 1/4-inch in diameter and usually appear in well-formed, blunt segments. Older feces may look like dry leaves or a small pile of debris.

2
Observe the contents of the feces. Poorly digested seeds and peelings of seasonal fruits are usually present. Insects, such as grasshoppers and crickets, are apparent if they are abundant in your area.

RACOON POOP

3
Look for other evidence that raccoons are in the area to help verify that you have found raccoon droppings. There may be hair on fences or tree bark where they have been climbing, and the young ones often wear out areas at the base of trees where their den is located. Overturned trashcans and other mischievous activities often indicate the presence of raccoons.

4
Use caution if you run across a raccoon latrine. These are areas where raccoons keep coming back to leave their fresh feces on top of old droppings. They are often at the base of trees, along fence lines, woodpiles, on roofs or in unsealed attics.

Three eskimos are walking along in the snow. One of them stops and points to something on the ground.

"Hey, what's that? Is that racoon shit?"

The second eskimo turns to him and says, "I don't know, looks like racoon shit. Why don't you smell it?"

The three eskimoes took turns arguing, "I don't want to smell it, you smell it. NO YOU SMELL IT!", till finally the first eskimo decided to smell it.

"Well it smells like dog shit. I am still not sure though, why don't one of you touch it."

Again they all argued, "I'm not touching it. NO YOU TOUCH IT!", till finally the second eskimo agreed to touch it.

"Well... it feels like racoon shit too. Just to be sure maybe one of you should taste it?"

They argued once more, "You taste it, NO YOU TASTE IT!", till the third eskimo reluctantly tasted.

"Yeah, that tastes like racoon shit alright."

The first eskimo turned to his friends, and nodded.

"Well, it looks like racoon shit, smells like racoon shit, feels like racoon shit, and tastes like racoon shit... It must be racoon shit. Good thing we didn't step in it!"

William James Hung Hing Cheong (Traditional Chinese: 孔慶翔, Simplified Chinese: 孔庆翔, Cantonese Yale: Hung2 Hing3 Cheung4, Pinyin: Kǒng Qìngxiáng; born January 13, 1983), commonly known as William Hung, is an American singer who gained fame in early 2004 as a result of his off-key audition performance of Ricky Martin's hit song "She Bangs" on the third season of the television series American Idol.

Originally from Sha Tin, Hong Kong, Hung moved to Camden, New Jersey in 1993 and graduated from the John H. Francis Polytechnic High School in Los Angeles. He was a student at University of California, Berkeley, and later dropped out to pursue his music career. As of January 2012 Hung has largely retired from music and serves as a technical crime analyst for the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.[

While studying civil engineering at the University of California, Berkeley, Hung auditioned for the third season of American Idol in San Francisco in September 2003. He was the final auditioner on the January 15, 2004, installment, the coup de grâce of an hour-long episode that showcased other would-be pop stars, mostly lacking in talent.

"I want to make music my living," said Hung, before he started singing and dancing to Ricky Martin's "She Bangs". As judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul tried to restrain their laughter, judge Simon Cowell dismissed Hung's performance, remarking "You can't sing, you can't dance, so what do you want me to say?", to which Hung replied, "Um, I already gave my best, and I have no regrets at all." Jackson and Abdul applauded his positive attitude, with Abdul remarking, "That's the best attitude yet." Hung's response to Cowell's criticism starkly contrasts with the often confrontational rejoinders of other contestants. Hung added, "...you know, I have no professional training of singing and dancing," eliciting mock surprise from Cowell, who replied, "No? Well this is the surprise of the century." Hung was not admitted through to the next round.

Hung rapidly gained a cult following. A William Hung fan site, set up by realtor Don Chin and his wife Laura, recorded over four million hits within its first week. Hung subsequently appeared on several television programs including Jimmy Kimmel Live!, On Air with Ryan Seacrest, Entertainment Tonight, The George Lopez Show, The Late Show With David Letterman, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, The Howard Stern Radio Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Dateline NBC, Arrested Development and CBS's The Early Show. Hung was featured in several national magazines and newspapers; he was parodied on Saturday Night Live and appeared on Celebrity Deathmatch. He was reportedly invited to perform at MTV's Asia Awards held in mid-February.

Remixes of Hung's audition performance topped song request lists at a number of radio stations. An online petition to get Hung back to American Idol included more than 100,000 signatures by late February. Hung was brought back to American Idol as part of a mid-season special titled Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented, airing March 1, 2004. The special documented what it was like to experience the audition process and, in Hung's case, emerge as an inadvertent celebrity. Hung was crowned the Artichoke King of 2006 in Castroville, California's Artichoke Festival; an honor previously bestowed on Marilyn Monroe

William Hung was offered a $25,000 advance on a record deal from Koch Entertainment in 2004, and released three albums on that label in 2004 and 2005. The albums mainly consisted of covers of pop and rock songs, including "She Bangs".

Hung has appeared in commercials for the search engine Ask.com, the Game Show Network (spoofing Freddy Mercury and singing an off-key "We Are the Champions"), as well as the mobile phone service provider Cingular Wireless.[citation needed] He also appeared to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in May 2004 at the Rogers Centre for the Toronto Blue Jays.[4]

His first movie, a low-budget Hong Kong period comedy called Where is Mama's Boy (2004), was released in January 2005. Hung played a good-natured village kid who sells Chinese pancakes to pay his mother's medical bills. His character gets discovered as a singer, and helps a woman protect her business from her jealous, conniving elder sister. In the film, Hung played opposite veteran Hong Kong actress Nancy Sit and parodied his own American Idol performance with the song "Siu Beng" (Cantonese) ("Chinese Pancake"), an allusion to his American Idol audition song, "She Bangs." Despite solid financial backing and the involvement of Nancy Sit, the film was a box office flop.

Hung was the subject of a documentary called William Hung: Hangin' with Hung, a ninety minute film recounting his sudden rise to fame. Hung appeared as himself in a February 2006 episode of the television series Arrested Development titled "Fakin' It", acting as the front-man of a band, "William Hung and his Hung Jury", the house band for a fictional courtroom-themed show Mock Trial with J. Reinhold.

Hung has appeared in an episode of the MTV Show, Celebrity Deathmatch, where he battles Ricky Martin (who performed the original "She Bangs").
In the episode Sexual Harassment of the American version of The Office, the letters "WL HUNG" appear on Todd Packer's vanity plate and is mistaken to be a reference to Hung. The letters actually stood for "Well hung".
He has also appeared in Airline in which he missed his flight, then sang his infamous song once again for the cameras.[5]

Hung has also been portrayed as a Chinese fairy in the Fairly OddParents movie, Fairy Idol. The fairy also sang horribly, but sang the Fairly OddParents theme song instead.

Hung also made a cameo appearance on an episode of George Lopez, auditioning as a wedding singer.

American Idol season 9 semi-finalist Todrick Hall auditioned in Dallas, Texas with an original audition song that mentioned Hung.

In May 2012, Korean-American singer Jay Park released a song titled "William Hung" on his mixtape, Fresh A!r: Breathe !t.

Commentator Emil Guillermo claimed that Hung may have not gained much attention had he been of another race, and his popularity may be derived from his being a representation of the Asian stereotype, characterized by nerdiness, bucked teeth, studiousness, speaking with a strong "fresh off the boat" accent, and lacking singing talent or rhythm. Documentary filmmaker James Hou commented: "As Asian Americans, we look through this racial lens, and we see this guy who embodies all the stereotypes we're trying to escape from."

Some analysts have argued that Hung's career arose out of mockery, and that the media exploited him as a joke rather than as a talented or inspirational figure.Ron Lin, former editor in chief of the UC Berkeley's Daily Californian asserts: "It's really difficult for Asian American males to break through and (Hung) may not be the most appealing example." However, in contrast to this viewpoint, in a 2008 American Idol Extra, Hung attributes his success in this when asked, "Why do you think it is that people gravitate towards William Hung so much?", Hung stated, "I believe it's my attitude and charisma, I tell people constantly, media, every where I go, just never give up on your dream."

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

6. How do you confuse a Chilean miner?
Show him two shovels and ask him to take his pick.

5. Why did the Chilean miner stay in Chile, instead of moving to the Pacific Northwest?
He didn't like the idea of a place called Ore-gone. (Via Tanner.)

4. I wouldn't want to be a Chilean miner …
…It's such a boring job. (Via Tanner.)

3. The Chilean miners were great …
…but I liked them better when they were underground.

2. What do you get when you throw a piano down a Chilean mine?
A flat minor.

1. Did you hear about the Chilean miner who got fired?
His boss thought he was the pits. (Via Scott.)

See they have started to bring up the Chilean miners? Juan by Juan

- Those Chilean miners have gone so commercial. I preferred it when they were still underground

-

- After a long time trapped in terrible conditions and fearing no one cared at all, those brave souls will soon be home and their ordeal will be over... only one day left of the Commonwealth Games.

- The Chilean miners are coming out.. Well, they have been surrounded by just men all this time.

- Apparently the first Chilean miner came out and asked "Has Rooney scored yet?"

- Those poor Chilean miners... Caught between a rock and a hard place.

Well done to the Chilean miners! The last time I came up on a capsule was at the Ministry of Sound in 1992

- The first task for the Chilean miners after their release is to visit Anfield - to advise Roy Hodgson on how to get out of a bloody big hole before Christmas

"I feel bad for the Chilean miners. They were down there in the dark so long. I mean, my God, it's like the Tea Party." —David Letterman

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." —David Letterman

"A Greek billionaire is giving a million dollars to a man that ran naked in front of President Obama in Philadelphia. Obama called the stunt 'highly immature' while Biden called it 'totally worth it.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Joe Biden said that the Democrats up for election aren't running on their accomplishments because they're too hard to explain. So basically he's saying either voters are too stupid to understand or the Democrats are too stupid to explain it. You know what's even harder to explain? Why the Democrats are letting Joe Biden talk with the election just a couple weeks away." —Jay Leno

"President Obama met with students in the Oval Office who have started their own businesses. Or, as those students are known on campus, 'weed dealers.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay's attitude is 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" —Jay Leno

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." —Jimmy Fallon

"Americans love Chilean miners. I haven't seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom." —Bill Maher

"One guy had four women waiting for him. There was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." —Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

"I can't wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate." –Craig Ferguson

"You can think outside the box and pick someone who'll excite people like Sarah Palin or you can play it safe with an honest down-home family man like John Edwards." –Craig Ferguson

"Working out has given Paul Ryan phenomenal abs. His abs are so in demand that TMZ is offering a bounty for anyone who can get an in-focus shot." –Craig Ferguson

"The Republican National Convention is in full swing in Tampa. Speeches are being made. Hats flown in the air. Everyone gets their own hippie to slap around." –Craig Ferguson

"Chris Christie's message was Romney will be the guy to tells America the hard truth. Romney is that guy. And I thought, well, wait a minute, Chris, I've got a hard truth for you. How about hopping on the treadmill?" –David Letterman

"Chris Christie was on stage for 16 minutes before he says Romney's name. He's on the stage for 30 seconds and he mentions Breyer's ice cream." –David Letterman

"John McCain was at the convention. He just wandered out on stage in his bathrobe." –David Letterman

"Here's what's great about America. You can now buy waffle-flavored vodka. See, good things are happening under Obama." –David Letterman

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien

"I thought Mitt Romney's wife Ann did a good job at the Republican convention. During her speech, she said after they got married, she and Mitt lived in a basement. It was a 2-room basement on the French Riviera." –Conan O'Brien

"The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them." –Jay Leno

"Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter." –Jay Leno

"Did you all watch the Republican convention last night? It's good to see scripted television finally making a comeback." –Jay Leno

"Ann Romney spoke last night. I thought she was quite eloquent. Analysts say her role was to show that Mitt has a tender side. And then the Romney family dog gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

''What a day for the tea party people. Did you see that? America's parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down, but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally.'' —Bill Maher

''Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'' —Craig Ferguson

''You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell, is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves.'' —Jay Leno

"The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn't a real member of Congress because he was buying his own drinks with his money." –Jay Leno

"The Democrats are getting ready for their convention in north Carolina. Or as they told Joe Biden, South Carolina." –Jay Leno

"Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it's Mitt Romney's dog." –Jay Leno

"There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, 'Eh, it's OK.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?" –Craig Ferguson

"The conventions are so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus. ... The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like 'Antiques Roadshow.'" -Bill Maher

"The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks." –Jay Leno

"Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience." –Craig Ferguson

"What a different four years makes. At the last Democratic Convention the theme was 'hope and change' this time it’s 'hope you don’t make a change.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday sometime between 2 and 4." –Jimmy Fallon

"If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he'll also be at the convention." –David Letterman

"First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it 'not the worst.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4." –Jimmy Fallon

"It's been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech, she'll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, 'Hey, my eyes are up here!" –Conan O'Brien

"A fun fact: At this year's Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands." –Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats are going all out to top last week's Republican Convention. In fact, I heard they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the Democratic National Convention, two of the speakers were identical twin brothers, Joaquin and Julian Castro. Apparently promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up. Man, was he disappointed." –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old you could see the ground below them. Today Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's first helicopter." –Conan O'Brien

"The Democratic Convention had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall. They worked all day on it and they still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow." –Jay Leno

ESPRESSO DRINK RECIPES

AMERICANO

To make an Americano, or Caffe Americano, pull a single shot of espresso and then add about 6 ounces of hot water—the strength should be similar to drip filter coffee.

Caffe Americano is the Italian way of serving espresso “American style.” Add milk and/or sugar if desired.

BLACK AND WHITE

To make a Black and White, pour one-half of an ounce of milk or vanilla schnapps into a shot glass and then pour one-half ounce of coffee liquor atop the drink.

BLACK EYE

To make a Black Eye pull two shots of espresso and add them to a cup of brewed coffee. Also see Red Eye; Dead Eye.

BLACK RUSSIAN

To prepare a Black Russian fill a glass with crushed ice and then add 1.5 ounces of coffee liqueur and 1.5 ounces of vodka.

BONE DRY CAPPUCCINO

A cappuccino with no steamed milk—instead it is filled with foam only. See Cappuccino.

BREVE (Espresso Breve)

To make an Espresso Breve, pull one shot of espresso and add a small amount of heated or steamed light cream or half & half. Breve is the Italian word for “short.”

CAFFE AMERICANO (Caffé Americano)

To make a Caffe Americano, pull a single shot of espresso and then add about 6 ounces of hot water—the strength should be similar to drip filter coffee. Caffe Americano is the Italian way of serving espresso “American style.” Add milk and/or sugar if desired.

CAFE AU LAIT (Café Au Lait)

This delicious French coffee drink is prepared using strongly brewed coffee (French Press is best) or espresso served in a large, bowl-shaped cup (a white porcelain cup or bowl is best) along with heated milk or steamed milk but not foam.

The hot milk is traditionally served in a separate pitcher, and then when everything is ready and proper, mix equal amounts of the two ingredients to taste.

The open-mouthed cup or bowl-shaped cup enhances the beverage, and is also great for warming you hands on those chilly winter days. Another benefit of a large porcelain cup is that it is great for dipping your brioche or croissant, if you are a dipper.

CAFE BONBON (Café Bonbon)

To make this French drink, pull one shot of espresso into a small glass, then pour in an equal amount of condensed milk. The two liquids should stay separated until stirred. The French term Cafe Bonbon means “Candy Coffee.”

CAFECITO (Un Cafecito) – See Cafe Cubano. Also see Cuban Coffee – Coffees of Cuba.

CAFE CUBANO

Commonly served in thimble-sized paper cups, Cuban coffee is often served at the end of a meal in tiny cups called tacitas, which are even smaller than demitasse cups.

To prepare a Cafe Cubano pour ice-cold water into the espresso maker (e.g., pot on stove) and fill it with the coffee grounds.

Screw the espresso pot together and place it on the stove burner. Place approximately two teaspoons of sugar into your cup and then when the coffee begins percolating pour a bit into your cup to moisten the sugar into a paste.

When the coffee has finished brewing, slowly pour some into the cup and gently mix it with the sugary paste—this should create a foam. Now add the rest of the coffee.

CAFE CON LECHE (Café Con Leche)

To make this Spanish drink brew up a some dark roasted gourmet coffee and then mix in some sugar and serve it with heated milk. Warm buttered bread is also traditionally served.

CAFE DECAFFEINE

A Cafe Decaffeine is simply decaffeinated brewed coffee. Also see Decaffeinated Coffee.

CAFFE CREME (Caffè Creme)

To prepare a Caffe Creme, pull one shot of espresso and add one ounce of heavy cream.

A Caffe Creme is also called a Cafe Creme (Café Crème) and Espresso Creme.

CAFFE LATTE (Caffé Latte)

To make this Italian drink, pull two shots of espresso in a heavy, bowl-shaped cup, tall ceramic mug, or clear cup. Next add about three times as much steamed milk.

As you pour the steamed milk into the cup use a spoon to hold back the foam until the cup is more than ¾-full. Now top it off with a small cap of foam.

Rather than pouring the milk onto the espresso, gourmet coffee lovers often prefer to pour the espresso and steamed milk from either side of the glass simultaneously

The term caffe latte comes from the Italian “caffe e latte,” which means “coffee and milk—this drink is analogous to the French Cafe Au Lait. Lattes are often flavored with sweet Italian syrups like hazelnut, almond, and other nut flavors.

For detailed directions on how to make a Latte, see the Barista Guide To Perfect Lattes and Cappuccinos.

CAFE MOCHA (Café Mocha)

Pull two shots of espresso and pour them into a tall glass. Now mix in one ounce of chocolate syrup or chocolate powder, and then add steamed milk until it is almost full. Top it off with whipped cream and then garnish it with some chocolate flakes.

The term Mocha is also spelled Moka, and originally referred to a particular variety of coffee which itself was named after a Yemen port near a traditional and renown coffee-growing region.

CAFE NOISETTE (Café Noisette)

To prepare a Cafe Noisette (pronounced Nwah-Zhet), pull a shot of espresso and then add just a small amount of milk. Noisette means hazelnut and refers to the drink’s color.

CAPPUCCINO

To make this Italian beverage pull one or two shots of espresso into a Cappuccino. Now add about twice as much steamed milk as there is espresso, and then top it off with foam.

Many purists prefer 1/3 espresso, 1/3 steamed milk, and 1/3 foam, while others prefer 1/3 espresso and 2/3 foam. Still others say it should be 50% espresso, with the other half having equal amounts of milk and foam. For heaven’s sake—you be the judge!

Optional garnishes include a sprinkle of ground chocolate, cinnamon, nutmeg, powdered cocoa, or vanilla powder. A request for a “dry cappuccino” means add more foam than usual, while “wet cappuccino” means add more milk. “Bone dry” means no milk (fill it with foam).

The foam of a cappuccino should be wet and velvety, mixing naturally with the pour, and not simply sitting atop the drink like a large, bubbled meringue. For detailed directions see the Barista Guide To Perfect Lattes and Cappuccinos.

COCONUT LATTE

To make a Coconut Latte, pull two shots of espresso and combine them with one ounce each of coconut syrup (or canned coconut cream) and chocolate syrup. Almost fill the cup with steamed milk, then finish it off with a bit of foam.

Now sprinkle some grated chocolate on top along with some grated toasted coconut.

CON LECHE

To make this Spanish drink brew up a some dark roasted premium coffee and then mix in some sugar and serve it with heated milk. Warm buttered bread is also traditionally served.

CON PANNA (Espresso Con Panna)

To make an Espresso Con Panna, pull either one or two shots of espresso and top it off with a dollop of whipped cream. Espresso Con Panna is Italian for “Espresso with cream.”

CUBAN COFFEE – See Cafe Cubano. Also see Cuban Coffee – Coffees of Cuba.

CUBANO (Espresso Cubano)

To make an Espresso Cubano, pull two shots of espresso “short,” which means that the extraction time should be less than the usual 18-22 seconds. Then add raw sugar to taste. Also see Cuban Coffee – Coffees of Cuba.

DEAD EYE

To make a Dead Eye pull three shots of espresso and add them to a cup of brewed coffee. Also see Red Eye; Black Eye.

DEPTH CHARGE

To make a Depth Charge pull one shot of espresso and add it to a cup of brewed coffee.

A Depth Charge is also called a Shot-In-The-Dark; Pile Driver; Red Eye; or Eye Opener.

DOPPIO ESPRESSO

To make an Doppio Espresso, pull two espresso shots (about 3 ounces total) using an espresso machine. A doppio is best served in a slightly oversized demitasse or in a Cappuccino cup. Doppio is Italian for “double.”

DOUBLE ESPRESSO (Double Shot)

To make a Double Espresso, pull two espresso shots (about 3 ounces total) using an espresso machine. A double espresso is best served in a slightly oversized demitasse or in a Cappuccino cup.

Also see Pulling a Perfect Espresso Shot to make sure you are using the proper espresso grind size and follow the Technical Specifications for a proper espresso. A Double Espresso is also called Doppio Espresso; Espresso Doppio.

DRY CAPPUCCINO

A standard cappuccino except with more foam than usual. See Cappuccino.

ESPRESSO CREME

To prepare an Espresso Creme, pull one shot of espresso and add one ounce of heavy cream. Also called Caffe Creme.

More Great Espresso Drink Recipes continued:

ESPRESSO CUBANO

To make an Espresso Cubano, pull two shots of espresso “short,” which means that the extraction time should be less than the usual 18-22 seconds. Then add raw sugar to taste. Also see Cuban Coffee – Coffees of Cuba.

ESPRESSO GRANITA

To make a traditional Espresso Granita pull two shots of espresso and add sugar to taste. Then put the beverage in the freezer, and when it is mostly frozen take it out and crush it up. The sugar will prevent the drink from freezing solid (thus the granularity).

Serve the Espresso Granita in a cup with a spoon. Optional: Top it off with whipped cream. Also called Granita Espresso. Also see Granita Latte.

ESPRESSO BREVE

To make an Espresso Breve, pull one shot of espresso and add a small amount of heated or steamed light cream or half & half. Breve is the Italian word for “short.”

ESPRESSO CON PANNA

To make an Espresso Con Panna, pull either one or two shots of espresso and top it off with a dollop of whipped cream. In Italian, “Espresso Con Panna” means “Espresso with cream.” For more tips see Pulling a Perfect Espresso Shot.

ESPRESSO DOPPIO

To make an Espresso Doppio, pull two espresso shots (about 3 ounces total) using an espresso machine. A doppio is best served in a slightly oversized demitasse or in a Cappuccino cup. Doppio is Italian for “double.”

Also see Pulling a Perfect Espresso Shot to make sure you are using the proper espresso grind size and follow the Technical Specifications for a proper espresso. An Espresso Doppio is also called Doppio Espresso; Double Shot.

ESPRESSO GRANITA

To make a traditional Espresso Granita pull two shots of espresso and add sugar to taste. Then put the beverage in the freezer, and when it is mostly frozen take it out and crush it up. The sugar will prevent the drink from freezing solid (thus the granularity).

Serve the Espresso Granita in a cup with a spoon. Optional: Top it off with whipped cream. Also see Granita Latte.

ESPRESSO LUNGO

To make an Espresso Lungo pour one shot of espresso “lungo” or “long.” To do this the normal 1.5 ounces of water are dispensed through the espresso grounds using a longer (lungo) extraction time than usual, usually between 25-40 seconds as compared to the normal 18 to 22 seconds. An Espresso Lungo is also called Long Shot.

ESPRESSO MACCHIATO

To make an Espresso Macchiato pull a single shot of espresso “macchiato” (marked with) about 1½ tablespoons (a dollop) of foam. Some people instead prefer just a dash of steamed milk or cream. An Espresso Macchiato should be served in a demitasse.

ESPRESSO RISTRETTO

To make an Espresso Ristretto, or “Short Shot,” (ristretto means restricted), pull one shot of espresso, but only put about half as much water as usual into the espresso machine (instead of 1-1/2 ounces of water, just use 3/4-ounce).

The water should dispense through the espresso grounds in about 18-20 seconds compared to the normal 22 seconds, and the grind size used should be even finer than usual. The slower extraction can also be accomplished by pressing or tamping the coffee down with extra pressure in the portafilter.

Sweeter and more flavorful than a full shot, the Espresso Ristretto renders a thicker, stouter drink, emphasizing the intense espresso taste. The restricted extraction is meant to extract only the best qualities of the coffee and none of the bitter elements, with about the same amount of caffeine, creating a richer beverage that is more intense.

ESPRESSO ROMANO

To make an Espresso Romano, pull a single shot of espresso and top it with fresh peel (twist or slice) of lemon—this is usually served on the side. Many say this espresso presentation is an Italian invention, but Italians deny it.

Some gourmet coffee aficionados say the lemon interferes with the delicate flavor balance of the Espresso—you be the judge!

EYE OPENER

To make an Eye Opener pull one shot of espresso and add it to a cup of brewed coffee. Also called Shot-In-The-Dark; Pile Driver; Depth Charge; Red Eye.

GRANITA ESPRESSO

To make a Granita Espresso, pull two shots of espresso and add sugar to taste. Then put the beverage in the freezer, and when it is mostly frozen take it out and crush it up. The sugar will prevent the drink from freezing solid and provide granularity.

Serve the Granita Espresso in a cup with a spoon. Optional: Top it off with whipped cream. Also see Granita Latte.

GRANITA LATTE

To make this American version of the Granita Espresso, pull one shot of espresso and combine it with milk and sugar, then put it in the freezer. When it is almost frozen take it out and crush it up. Optional: Top it off with whipped cream. This drink is also made by special dispensing machines.

ICED CAPPUCCINO

To make an Iced Cappuccino, pull one shot of espresso and pour it over ice, then add three ounces of cold milk. Now spoon a nice layer of foam atop the espresso. Sweeten if desired.

IRISH COFFEE

To make a classic Irish Coffee, first pre-heat the glass using hot water. Then pour about one ounce of Irish whiskey into the glass and fill it almost full with brewed coffee that has been lightly sweetened.

Next pour some thick, whole cream onto the back of a spoon that is resting just on the surface of the coffee beverage. The sugar in the coffee will help the cream float.

LATTE (Caffe Latte)

To make this Italian drink, pull two shots of espresso in a heavy, bowl-shaped cup, tall ceramic mug, or clear cup. Next add about three times as much steamed milk.

As you pour the steamed milk into the cup use a spoon to hold back the foam until the cup is more than ¾-full. Now top it off with a small cap of foam.

Rather than pouring the milk onto the espresso, coffee connoisseurs often prefer to pour the espresso and steamed milk from either side of the glass simultaneously

LATTE MACCHIATO

To make a Latte Macchiato, fill a cup with steamed milk and then put in pour the espresso on top so the drink is macchiato (“marked”) with espresso. Pour the espresso in slowly so that it forms a dark swirl in the glass.

Recipes for Gourmet Espresso Drinks continued:

LONG SHOT

To make a Long Shot pour one shot of espresso “lungo” or “long.” To do this the normal 1.5 ounces of water are dispensed through the compacted espresso grounds using a longer (lungo) extraction time than usual.

A typical long shot may be extracted for anywhere from twenty-five to forty seconds. In contrast, a normal espresso not is usually only extracted for about twenty seconds. A Long Shot is also know as an Espresso Lungo.

MACADAMIA MOCHA

To make a Macadamia Mocha, pull two shots of espresso and add one ounce each of macadamia nut syrup and chocolate fudge syrup. Finish filling up the cup with steamed milk. Now sprinkle some toasted coconut atop the drink along with a dash of grated chocolate.

MACCHIATO (Espresso Macchiato)

To make an Espresso Macchiato pull a single shot of espresso “macchiato” (marked with) about 1½ tablespoons (a dollop) of foam. Rather than foam, some people instead prefer just a dash of steamed milk or cream. An Espresso Macchiato is traditionally served in a demitasse. Also see Latte Macchiato.

MOCHA

Pull two shots of espresso and pour them into a tall glass. Now mix in one ounce of chocolate syrup or chocolate powder, and then add steamed milk until it is almost full. Top it off with whipped cream and then garnish it with some chocolate flakes.

The term Mocha is also spelled Moka, and originally referred to a particular variety of coffee which itself was named after a Yemen port near a traditional and renown coffee-growingcktt region.

MOCHACCINO

To make a Mochaccino, pull a single shot of espresso and mix in one ounce of chocolate syrup or chocolate powder. Then fill the cup almost full with steamed milk, and finally top it off with some foam.

MOCHA LATTE

To make a Mocha Latte, pull two shots of espresso and pour them into a tall cup. Now stir in one ounce of chocolate syrup or chocolate powder, then top it off with steamed milk and foam. The end result should be about one-fourth espresso, one-fourth chocolate, and half milk and foam.

PILE DRIVER (Pile-Driver)

To make a Pile Driver pull one shot of espresso and add it to a cup of brewed coffee.

A Pile Driver is also called a Shot-In-The-Dark; Red Eye; Depth Charge; or Eye Opener. Also see Black Eye; Dead Eye.

RED EYE (Red-Eye)

To make a Red Eye pull one shot of espresso and add it to a cup of brewed coffee. A Red Eye is also a called Shot-In-The-Dark or Pile Driver.

RISTRETTO—See Espresso Ristretto.

ROMANO (Espresso Romano)

To make an Espresso Romano, pull a single shot of espresso and then top it off with fresh peel (a slice or twist) of lemon—this is usually served on the side. Many say this espresso presentation is an Italian invention, but Italians deny it.

Some specialty coffee aficionados say the lemon interferes with the delicate flavor balance of the Espresso—you will have to be the judge!

SHORT-PULL ESPRESSO (Short Pull Espresso)

To make a Short-Pull Espresso, also called a Short Shot or Espresso Ristretto, pull one shot of espresso, but only put about half as much water as usual into the espresso machine (instead of 1-1/2 ounces of water, just use 3/4-ounce).

The water should dispense through the espresso grounds in about 18-20 seconds compared to the normal 22 seconds, and the grind size used should be even finer than usual. The slower extraction can also be accomplished by pressing or tamping the coffee down with extra pressure in the portafilter.

Sweeter and more flavorful than a full shot, the Short-Pull Espresso renders a thicker, stouter drink, emphasizing the intense espresso taste. The restricted extraction is meant to extract only the best qualities of the coffee and none of the bitter elements—with about the same amount of caffeine. In Europe this is the preferred shot.

SHOT-IN-THE-DARK (Shot In the Dark)

To make a Shot-In-the-Dark, pull one shot of espresso and then add it to a cup of brewed coffee. A Shot-In-the-Dark is also called a Red Eye; Pile Driver; Depth Charge; and Eye Opener. Also see Black Eye; Dead Eye.

SHOT OF ESPRESSO

To prepare a shot of espresso you need to pull one shot of espresso—about 1½ ounces—using an espresso machine. The espresso shot is best served in a pre-warmed demitasse. Also see Pulling a Perfect Espresso Shot.

SOLO ESPRESSO

To prepare a solo shot of espresso you need to pull one shot of espresso—about 1½ ounces—using an espresso machine. The espresso shot is best served in a pre-warmed demitasse. See Pulling a Perfect Espresso Shot.

SPICY VIENNESE ESPRESSO

To make a spicy Viennese Espresso, pull two shots of espresso. The espresso is then mixed with 4 ground cloves, one-half teaspoon cinnamon, and one-half teaspoon allspice. Finally top it all off with a nice dollop of whipped cream.

SPLIT SHOT ESPRESSO

To make a Split Shot Espresso, pull one shot of espresso using half decaffeinated gourmet coffee grounds and half regular (caffeinated) gourmet coffee grounds.

TOFFEE LATTE

Pull two shots of espresso and combine them with one ounce each of praline syrup, chocolate syrup, and caramel syrup. Fill the rest of the cup with steamed milk and a small amount of foam. Top it off with a sprinkle of grated chocolate and a dash of toffee shavings.

TRADITIONAL GRANITA ESPRESSO

To make a traditional Granita Espresso, pull two shots of espresso and then add some sugar to taste. Next put the beverage in the freezer, and when it is mostly frozen take it out and crush it up. The sugar will prevent the drink from freezing solid, and the word “granita” refers to the granularity of the sugar.

Serve the Granita Espresso in a cup along with a spoon. Optional: Finally top it off with whipped cream. Also see Granita Latte.

VIENNESE COFFEE

Brewed coffee topped with whipped cream.

Also: Coffee brewed from coffee beans that were given a Viennese Roast.

VIENNESE ESPRESSO

To make a spicy Viennese Espresso, pull two shots of espresso and mix it with 4 ground cloves, ½-teaspoon cinnamon, and ½-teaspoon allspice. Finally top it off with whipped cream and enjoy!

WET CAPPUCCINO

A standard cappuccino except with extra steamed milk.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said.

A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

frell

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...

- You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.

- You become a Vaseline spokesperson.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...

- You go through a Sealy Mattress (tm) a week.

- Frederick actually comes to your door himself just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...

- When people say, "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.

- Your baby looks familiar, but like who?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...

- When they change your # to 976.

- Tetracycline is your best friend.

- McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...

- Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.

- When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...

- When getting dressed is not part of your day.

- Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

- When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HO WHEN...

- When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

- When your ceiling mirrors fog.

- When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

An old man made it shakily through the door to Billy Bob's Cowgirl
Ranch, outside of Reno, Nevada.
The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place,"
she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"
"Ain't this the famous Mustang? Ain't this where you allus got
forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"
The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"
"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."
"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
"Ninety-two," he replied.
"Ninety-two? Gramps, you've had it!"
"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling
fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut,
it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might
be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "haemophilia is a genetic disorder
and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman
to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have
your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about
seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

A bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.
He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the
evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight,
but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As
he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that,
flaccid, he's only two inches long.
But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises to
a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five
hours the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable
evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the
girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something
special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not
to praise him."

One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy
answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
The little boy said "No, she is at the whore house."
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little
boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays
and Fridays during the rush."
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-bitch."
The little boy said, "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around
knocking on doors telling folks."

The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for
$20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out."
The boy quickly agreed. The couple went into the woods, and the
young thang slipped off her panties and laid back. The boy slipped
in his erection and handed her a $10 bill. And then, when he was
finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him.
The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed. This time,
he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there.
After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it out now."
He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any
more money."

Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar.
The first one says my pussy is so big, I can screw three
guys at the same time.
The second prostitute says, MY pussy is so big, I can
screw a guy's leg up to the knee.
The third one just slides down the stool...

A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office (Foot specialist),
mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then
told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally,
the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his
penis through the screen.
The nurse walked over, shrieked and dropped her tray of instruments.
"That's not a foot!" she screamed.
The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum."

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the
night before.
"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.
"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.
"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat
and the boots on all the time we were together."
"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.
"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell
because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase.
He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all
the time."
They agree he sounded like a lawyer.
"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.
"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked.
"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet,
then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a
prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."
She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed.
He crawls on top of her.
"Okay, stick it in honey...all the way in...now pull it out...
now put it back in...now pull it out..."
"For goodness sake," says the boy, "will you make up your
fucking mind?".

The new hooker just finished her first trick and when she came back
down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear
the details.
She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much". "So I told him a blow job would be $75, but
he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much
do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job"
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said " he
pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above
the first and then the first hand above the second hand....."
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge"! " then what
did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.

A man walks into this whore house to get a woman but doesn't know
what he wants. The woman at the counter tells the man to go outside
to where this fence is and in this fence are some holes. She instructs
him to stick his dick into each of the holes and then to make a choice.
He sticks his dick into the first hole and he gets his dick sucked.
He sticks his dick into the second hole and he gets jerked off.
He sticks his dick into the third hole and he feels it slip into some
chicks pussy. After he finishes he walks back inside to the woman at
the counter.
She asks him what woman he wants.
The man says, "Forget the women. I want 30 yards of that fence."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologised for his bad language.
"That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking car."

Little Johnny is bored one Saturday, so he says to his dad,
"Dad, I'm bored. What is there to do?"
His dad decides to have a little fun with Johnny, so he gives
him four quarters, and says, "why don't you go to the drug store
and get me some what's what?"
Baffled but excited, Johnny scampers down the street to the
drug store. He asks the druggist for some "what's what," and at
first the druggist is confused, until he guesses that this kid
has been sent out on a wild goose chase.
He replies, "we don't have any, but that building over there
might," while at the same time he points towards a whorehouse.
Johnny, again excited, runs over to the whorehouse. He knocks
on the door, and a naked women answers. He says, "I need some...
hey, what's that?", motioning to her crotch?
"What's what?" she replies.
Satisfied, Johnny says, "I'll take a dollar's worth!"

Little Johnnie was in his math class one day when the teacher
singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to
Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy?" Johnnie replied with a question in his voice.

A man is walking down the street and is really horny. He goes to the
first brothel he sees but only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The man goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars,
he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one
and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need
a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The madam there says, "For five dollars, all we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."
So, the madam takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.
He unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the man a blow job. Just
as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.
The horny man waddles after her, with his pants at his ankles, shouting,
"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

A research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the
husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the
answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example,
under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three times a week'
and your wife 'Three times a night'."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only
until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."

Cell Phone Timeline

1843 Micheal Faraday a talented chemist begins researching the possibility that space can conduct electricity. His research starts the wheels turning for many other 19th century scientists. At the time, many of them were referred to as “crackpots”.

Cell Phone Timeline

1865 A Virginia Dentist/Scientist, Dr. Mahlon Loomis, develops a method of communicating through the earth’s atmosphere by using an electrical conductor. He does this by flying two kites, that are rigged with copper screens and wires, which are connected to the ground on two separate mountains about 18 miles apart. He later received a grant from the U.S. Congress for $50,000. (A fairly large chunk of change for 1865)

Cell Phone Timeline

1866 The first trans-Atlantic telegraph is built (not much to do with cell phones, but a major advancement in communication nonetheless)

Cell Phone Timeline

1921 The Police Department in Detroit, Mich. begins installing mobile radios, operating around 2 MHz, in their squad cars. They encounter many problems such as overcrowding on the channels and terrible interference.

Cell Phone Timeline

1934 The U.S. Congress creates the Federal Communications Commission. They decide who gets to use certain radio frequencies. Most channels are reserved for emergency use and for the government. Radio is still a baby.

Cell Phone Timeline

1940’s By now, the mobile radios are able to operate at 30 to 40 MHz and become much more common between police departments, and the wealthy. Several private companies and organizations begin using these same radios for personal gain.

Cell Phone Timeline

1945 The first mobile-radio-telephone service is established in St. Louis, Miss. The system is comprised of six channels that add up to 150 MHz. The project is approved by the FCC, but due to massive interference, the equipment barely works.

Cell Phone Timeline

1947 AT&T comes out with the first radio-car-phones that can be used only on the highway between New York and Boston; they are known as push-to-talk phones. The system operates at frequencies of about 35 to 44 MHz, but once again there is a massive amount of interference in the system. AT&T declares the project a failure.

Cell Phone Timeline

1949 The FCC authorizes the widespread use of many separate radio channels to other carriers. They are know as Radio Common Carriers (RCC) and are the first link between mobile phones and the telephone, rather than just radio to radio. The RCC's are the first step toward the cellular phone industry, which is were designed more for profit than for the general public.

Cell Phone Timeline

1956 The first real car phones, not car radios, come into play accross the United States. Although, the system is still using push-to-talk phones, it is an improved version that acctually works. However, the units are big and bulky, and require a personal radio operator to switch the calls. A simular system appeared in Sweden a few years earlier.

Cell Phone Timeline

1964 A new operating system is developed that operates on a single channel at 150 MHz. In essence, this removes the need for push-to-talk operators. Now customers can dial phone numbers directly from their cars. RCC's are finally taken seriously by the FCC as ligitimate competitors to the land-line phone companies.

1969 The self-dialing capability is now upgraded to 450 MHz and becomes standard in the United States. This new service is known as (IMTS) Improved mobile telephone service.

1970 Cell phone lobbyists finally win with the FCC and get a window of 75 MHz in the 800 MHz region, which allocated specifically for cell phones. The FCC realizes the potential of the industry and can’t ignore it any longer.

1971 AT&T is the first company to propose a modern-day mobile-phone system to the FCC. It involves dividing cities into “cells”. It is the first company to do so.

1973 Dr. Martin Cooper invents the first personal handset while working for Motorola. He takes his new invention, the Motorola Dyna-Tac., to New York City and shows it to the public. His is credited with being the first person to make a call on a portable mobile-phone.

1974 The FCC actually starts to encourage cell phone companies to push forward the “cellular idea”. But unfortunately a law suit arises with Western Electric, who is the closest company to succeeding at the time, and it rules that they are not allowed to manufacture terminal and network phone systems under the same roof. This is an effort to prevent a monopoly. But it also prevents progress.

1975 AT&T adapts its own cellular plan for the city of Chicago, but the FCC is still uneasy about putting the plan into action. They have concerns about its success.

1977 Finally cell phone testing is permitted by the FCC in Chicago. The Bell Telephone Company gets the license; they are in a partnership with AT&T which is a gerneral effort to battle the stubborn FCC.

1981 The FCC makes firm rules about the growing cell phone industry in dealing with manufactures. It finally rules that Western Electric can manufacture products for both cellular and terminal use. (Basically they admit that they put the phone companies about 7 years behind)

1988 One of the most important years in cell phone evolution. The Cellular Technology Industry Association is created and helps to make the industry into an empire. One of its biggest contributions is when it helped create TDMA phone technology, the most evolved cell phone yet. It becomes available to the public in 1991

2001 BellSouth announces that it is leaving the pay phone business because there is too much competition from cell phones.

Charles, in jail, got a call from some friend, who was complaining about low network. This friend of Charles was fed up with low quality voice and finally asked him, "How many bars are there in your cell."

Lincoln, a young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Lucy something nice for their fifth wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the features on the phone.
The next day, Lucy goes shopping. Her phone rings and its Lincoln: "Hi honey", he says "how do you like your new phone?"
And she replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?" asked Lucy.

Andrew was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. He looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. He decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
"Andrew, The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, by the way, have you seen my cell phone?"

Customer Care Executives (CCE) get all sorts of calls, some with genuine problems and some with no problem at all. There was this caller called David, who was paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She never leaves any number, so I can't call her back," David said.
After sometime the CCE asked how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply from David.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the CCE asked "How does she spell her name?"
"L-O-W C-E-L-L" was the reply from David.

Jackson was moving towards California. On his way to the city, he stopped at a local market and went to the washroom. The first stall was taken, so he went in the second stall.
Soon, he heard a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?"
That was okay, but Jackson was not a person to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road.
He did not know what to say, but he awkwardly said, "Not bad..."
Then the voice said: "So, what are you doing?"
Jackson thought that a bit weird, but said, "Well, I'm going back to California..."
Then, he heard the person say: "Look I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall answers me."

Arabian Ostrich
Arabian ostrich, also known as the Middle Eastern ostrich, is a subspecies of ostrich native to the Arabian Peninsula. Arabian ostrich extinction was triggered by the widespread introduction of firearms, which made hunting a relatively easy task. By the beginning of 20th century, Arabian ostrich had become relatively rare, and by mid 20th century the bird had virtually vanished. The last sighting of this subspecies had been recorded in 1966, wherein a dying individual was found near Petra, Jordan.

Atitlan Grebe
The Atitlan Grebe, also known as the Giant Grebe or the Poc, was a water bird endemic to the Lago de Atitlán in Guatemala. A full-grown bird reached to the length of about 46-50 cm and resembled the Pied-billed Grebe to a great extent. Introduction of the Smallmouth bass and Largemouth bass species of fish in Lake Atitlan in 1950s and 1960s, reduced the number of crabs and fish in the lake, thus depleting the source of food for the Atitlan Grebe. The population of these water birds decreased to 200 in 1960, and further to less than 80 by 1965. Though there was a slight recovery in 1970s, an earthquake, that hit Guatemala in 1976, fractured the lake bed and drained the water. This loss of habitat severely affected the Atitlan Grebe population and the bird was last seen in 1989.

Bali Tiger
The Bali tiger, native to a small island in Indonesia named Bali, is the smallest of the three subspecies of tigers found in Indonesia. The deforestation caused due to human encroachment was the major factor which affected the basic existence of the Bali tiger. This was followed by extensive hunting of this species, especially during the World War II, which had a serious impact on the tiger population and by the end of the World War II the animal was virtually extinct. The last documented sighting of a Bali tiger was in form of an adult female that was killed in West Bali in September 1937.

Barbary Lion
The Barbary lion, also known as the Atlas lion, was a subspecies of lion native to Northern regions of Africa. Weighing between 440 to 600 lbs, the Barbary lion was considered to be the heaviest among the lion subspecies. Excessive hunting led to the depletion of Barbary lion population in the wild. Loss of habitat due to the expansion of agricultural lands was also a prominent cause of Barbary lion extinction. Initially declared extinct, the animal was later given the special status - 'extinct in the wild' (EW) by the IUCN as a few individuals were found to be alive in captivity in zoos and circus.

Bubal Hartebeest
The Bubal Hartebeest was a subspecies of antelope that inhabited the African nations of Algeria, Egypt, Libya, Morocco and Tunisia. The animal was caught and domesticated by the Egyptians in order to perform sacrifices. By the beginning of the 20th century, the population of Bubal Hartebeest depleted to a large extent, and its habitat was only restricted to Algeria and Morocco. In Morocco, hunting by French further decreased the number of this species. During the same time many individuals were caught and kept in the zoos, where they eventually died. The last known Bubal Hartebeest was a female that died in a zoo in Paris in 1923 thus bringing an end to this antelope subspecies.

Bushwren
The Bushwren was a small bird, native to New Zealand, which was characterized by nesting on or near the ground. It was found in abundance throughout the country till the introduction of mustelids - predatory mammal from weasel family, was introduced on the Island. The first half of the 20th century was marked by rare sightings of Bushwren. A subspecies of the bird, Stead's Bushwren, found on Stewart Island, got extinct due to excessive predation by the feral cats. As the last attempt to revive the population, they were transferred to Kaimohu Island, where the last sighting took place in 1972.

Canarian Black Oystercatcher
The Canarian Black Oystercatcher, more popular as the Canary Islands Oystercatcher, was a shorebird found on the Canary Islands in Spain. The bird disappeared from its natural habitat in the beginning of the 20th century. It is assumed that the disturbance by the local people and predation by rats were the prominent reasons for the extinction of Canarian Black Oystercatcher. Some theories also suggested that loss of habitat was responsible for the extinction. According to the local fishermen and the lighthouse keepers, the last sighting of this species happened in 1940s. After several attempts to find this bird failed, finally it was declared extinct through IUCN Red List for 1994.

Cape Verde Giant Skink
Cape Verde Giant Skink, also known as the Cocteau's Skink, was a reptile endemic to the Cape Verde islands of the Atlantic Ocean. Loss of habitat, owing to human activities, is supposed to be the main cause of extinction of Cape Verde Giant Skink species. These reptiles were hunted extensively for food and 'skink oil' in the beginning of the 20th century. Some also suggest that prolonged drought that hit the area during this time led to the extermination of these species from the Cape Verde Islands. Attempts to breed these reptiles in captivity were of no avail, and finally Cape Verde Giant Skink was declared extinct in 1914.

Caribbean Monk Seal
The Caribbean monk seal, also known as the West Indian monk seal is a species of seal native to the Caribbean sea and the Gulf of Mexico. The male Caribbean monk seals could grow to a length of 3.5 meters and weigh up to 440 lbs, while the females were a bit smaller. The last recorded sighting of the Caribbean monk seal was at the Serranilla Bank in the western Caribbean Sea in 1952. It is the only species of seal, which was driven to extinction by human activities. More on Caribbean monk seal declared extinct.

Carolina Parakeet
The Carolina Parakeet was the only species of parrot native to the eastern United States. It inhabited the forests ranging from Ohio Valley to the Gulf of Mexico. There were several reasons for the extinction of this species, most prominent being clearing of forest land for agricultural purpose, which led to loss of habitat for the bird. They were extensively hunted for their colored feathers, which were used for decoration. Large-scale culling was executed by farmers, who considered these birds to be pests. Some theories also suggest introduction of honey bees and a mysterious poultry disease played an important role in extinction of these beautiful birds. The last Carolina Parakeet in the wild was killed in Florida in 1904, while the last individual of this species in captivity died in Cincinnati Zoo in 1918.

Caspian Tiger
The Caspian tiger, also referred to as the Persian tiger, is a subspecies of the Siberian tiger native to the vast regions of Western and Central Asia. The extinction of the Caspian tiger can also be attributed to the large-scale extermination of this animal by the Russian administration to reclaim land in the beginning of the 20th century. Different accounts suggest a different date, ranging from 1940s to as recent as 1997, as the last sighting of the Caspian tiger, but most of these accounts confirm that the Caspian tiger got extinct in 1950s.

Caucasian Wisent
The Caucasian Wisent was a subspecies of wisent, the European bison, native to the Caucasus mountains in eastern Europe. Until the 17th century, Caucasian wisent was only threatened by predators such as the Asiatic lion, the Caspian tiger, wolves and bears. With the commencement of human settlement in these mountains, the range of Caucasian Wisent decreased considerably. At the same time these species were confronted by a new threat - poaching. Excessive poaching and loss of habitat depleted the wisent population to a great extent, with the number falling to less than 600 by 1917, and further down to less than 50 by 1921. The failure to curb local poaching resulted in the extinction of Caucasian Wisent, with the last reported individual being killed in 1927.

Colombian Grebe
The Colombian grebe was an aquatic bird native to the Bogota wetlands in Colombia. The population of these subspecies of grebe was largely hit by loss of habitat and predation. Wetland drainage, siltation and reed harvest led to destruction of Colombian grebe habitat to a great extent. More importantly, predation by rainbow trouts and hunting by humans curbed the growth of grebe population in this area, with only 300 individuals surviving by 1968. The Colombian grebe population further declined drastically with only a few sightings reported in 1970s, with the last sighting being reported in 1977.

Crescent Nail-tail Wallaby
The Crescent Nail-tail Wallaby was a subspecies of the Nail-tail Wallaby which inhabited the woodlands and scrubs of the west and center of Australia. This animal was found in abundance in Western Australia till the onset of 20th century, but within a decade the wallaby population witnessed a steep slide. Rare sightings continued for some more time till 1920s. The last collected Crescent Nail-tail Wallaby was found trapped in a dingo trap in 1927. The species did survive in wild till 1950s, but the spread of red fox finally triggered Crescent Nail-tail Wallaby extinction.

Golden Toad
The Golden toad, also referred to as the Monteverde toad or the Orange toad, was a true toad endemic to the cloud-covered tropical forests of Costa Rica. The beautiful amphibian disappeared from the Earth's ecosystem in 1989. The extinction of Golden toad is believed to be a part of the large-scale decline of amphibian population owing to sudden climate change triggered by global warming. Among the other factors held responsible for the sudden extinction of the toad species, the prominent ones are fungal epidemic which swiped out the amphibian population and unusual warm dry climate, which led to early evaporation of pools even before the tadpoles matured.

Wake Island Rail
The Wake Island Rail was a flightless bird endemic to Wake, an atoll in the Pacific Ocean. This land bird was found in abundance in its natural habitat, until when the World War II broke out. In course of the war, the Japanese forces who occupied the island were cut off from food supply and hence were left with no other option but to hunt and eat Wake Island Rails. Being a flightless land bird, it was an easy task to capture this bird bare handedly. This extensive culling of Wake Island Rails for food exterminated the whole rail population on the island by 1945.

Western Black Rhinoceros
The Western Black Rhinoceros, also known as the West African Black Rhinoceros was a native to savanna of central-west Africa. This rhinoceros species was severely affected by heavy poaching in the beginning of the 20th century. By 1980s there were only few 100 Western Black rhinoceros left, and the number further declined to an estimated figure of 10 by 2000. Illegal poaching and failure on the part of the administration, either to curb poaching or punish poachers finally resulted in the extinction of Western Black rhino in 2006.

Toolache Wallaby
The Toolache Wallaby was a subspecies of wallaby found in abundance near Australian provinces of South Australia and Victoria. Extensive hunting, predation by foxes and loss of habitat led to extinction of this wallaby subspecies from the Australian continent. The Toolache Wallabies were mainly hunted for fur. Wallaby hunting was also considered to be a sport, and the local hunters extensively hunted these creatures to obtain trophies. Owing to all these factors, the Toolache wallabies, which were once common in Australia, became very rare. Attempts to capture and transfer them to safer sanctuaries also failed and the species became extinct after a last sighting in 1943.

Thicktail Chub
The Thicktail Chub was a small freshwater fish that inhabited the lowlands and weedy backwaters of Sacramento and San Joaquin rivers in California. The Thicktail chub was one of the most common fish in California and in fact constituted approximately 40 percent of the fish population in Sacramento river. Thicktail Chubs extinction was triggered by habitat loss due to the conversion of a large part of land in Central Valley for agricultural use. Dam building, water diversion and other such agricultural projects led to a decline in the fish population. Further more competition with exotic species and hybridization blurred the chances of recovery and the Thicktail Chub became extinct in late 1950s.

Tasmanian Wolf
The Thylacine, more commonly known as the Tasmanian tiger or the Tasmanian Wolf, was native to continental Australia, Tasmania and New Guinea. Being the last member Thylacinus genus, the extinction of Tasmanian Wolf in 1936 marked the extinction of the genus itself. The most prominent factors which led to the extinction of this animal were extensive hunting, introduction of dogs and human encroachment. Although debatable, yet another factor which supposedly played a vital role was the spread of diseases. The last known sighting of the Tasmanian wolf in the wild was recorded in 1930, when a local farmer killed one specimen in Mawbanna, while the last known specimen in captivity died in 1936.

South Island Piopio
The South Island Piopio, also known as New Zealand Trush, was a passeriform bird endemic to New Zealand. A common bird at one point of time, the South Island Piopio population began to decline at a rapid rate in the last quarter of the 19th century. This was mainly due to predation by rats and cats, which were introduced to the island along with human settlements. Further decline was also observed, owing to large-scale loss of habitat and human interference. In the last decade of the 19th century, the South Island Piopio was regarded to be the rarest bird in the country, but these rare sightings continued with a few decades to follow before finally becoming totally extinct. The last recorded sighting of this species happened in 1963.

Schomburgk's Deer
The Schomburgk's Deer was a deer species native to Thailand. Their appearance had striking resemblance to Barasingha. Conversion of grassland and swamp areas to agricultural land in order to facilitate large-scale production of rice for export resulted in loss of habitat of Schomburgk's Deer. In the beginning of the 20th century, Schomburgk's Deer was also subjected to large-scale hunting which finally led to its extinction by 1930s. The last Schomburgk's Deer in captivity was killed in 1938, thus marking the end of this species.

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Ryukyu Wood-pigeon
The Ryukyu Wood-pigeon was a subspecies of pigeon endemic to Okinawa archipelago towards the south west of the Japanese mainland. The extinction of the Ryukyu Wood-pigeon can be attributed to habitat destruction. The tropical forests which were inhabited by this bird were subjected to large-scale deforestation for agricultural and settlement purpose. The Ryukyu Wood-pigeon depleted to a great extent in the first decade of the 20th century. By 1930s, these islands were completely deforested and this deforestation marked the habitat loss which eventually led to extinction of Ryukyu Wood-pigeon by 1936.

Santo Stefano Lizard
The Santo Stefano lizard was a small lizard species native to the Santo Stefano Island in the Tyrrhenian sea, off the coast of Italy. Although this lizard species was found in abundance on this island at one point of time, it just took the introduction of some predators and an endemic to wipe off the Santo Stefano lizard population within a few years. These lizards were hunted excessively by the feral cats and various snake species which brought a drastic decline in their population. Furthermore an epidemic of an unknown pathogen which broke out in mid 20th century led to wiping out of the remaining survivors. It was last sighted in 1965, before being officially declared extinct.

Roque Chico de Salmor Giant Lizard
The Roque Chico de Salmor Giant Lizard was a lizard subspecies endemic to a small islet on the Canary Islands. Initially, the only threat to this Giant Lizard was feral cat predation, but human intervention in the beginning of 20th century gave a serious jolt to the Lizard population in this area. Commercial exploitation owing to the large-scale collection of the species for scientific usage, led to depletion of the Roque Chico de Salmor Giant Lizard population to a great extent. After several attempts to revive the population failed, the species finally disappeared in late 1930s.

Round Island Burrowing Boa
The Round Island Burrowing Boa, or Bolyeria, was a reptile native to the Round Island in Mauritius. The reptile endemic to hardwood forest and palm savanna had a small habitat, ranging about 1.5 to 2 square km. Limited distribution had already made it vulnerable to extinction. Furthermore overgrazing by various herbivores triggered soil erosion, which led to loss of habitat for this reptile. By the end of first half of the 20th century, Round Island Burrowing Boa had already become rare and the last sighting was reported in 1975

Passenger Pigeon
The most common bird in North America at a point of time, today the Passenger Pigeon is only found in International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) extinct animals list. The Passenger Pigeons, also known as wild pigeons, were found in large migratory flocks containing millions of birds. This bird was a major source of food for the native Indians, as well as European travelers and therefore large-scale hunting was one of the most important factor which led to a drastic decline in their numbers. The first decade of 20th century was marked by rare individual sightings, before it finally became extinct after the last confirmed sighting in 1912.

Pyrenean Ibex
The Pyrenean Ibex was a subspecies of the Spanish Ibex, found in abundance in the Pyrenees mountain range between France and Spain. Inability to compete with other species in the region and extensive poaching led to depletion of Pyrenean Ibex population to a great extent, with less than 100 individuals surviving by 1900 and eventually less than 40 in 1910. Various conservation measures ensured that the animal lived for another few decades, but the population remained negligible throughout the century, before finally getting extinct in 2000, when the last living individual of this species got crushed beneath a falling tree. An attempt to clone Pyrenean Ibex seemed successful with a young one being born in January 2009, but died within a few hours of its birth due to lung failure.

Palestinian Painted Frog
The Palestinian painted frog, also known as the Israel painted frog, was a subspecies of frog endemic to the Lake Huleh marshes in Israel. Israeli drainage of the marshes was the most prominent factor, which led to the extinction of the Palestinian painted frog. The last documented recovery of this frog dates back to 1955, wherein a single specimen was found. Although it was declared extinct by International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN), it's still regarded as one of the endangered species in Israel.

Paradise Parrot
The Paradise Parrot was a colorful medium-sized parrot native to the Queensland - New South Wales border area of northeastern Australia. Several factors contributed to the extinction of Paradise Parrot, the prominent factors being loss of habitat due to over grazing and land clearing, extensive hunting by bird collectors and predation by several cat species. By the end of 19th century, the sighting of this bird had relatively become rare, and by 1915 it had virtually become extinct. A few more sightings took place over the next decade before the Paradise Parrot finally became extinct. The last confirmed sighting took place in 1927.

Laysan Rail
The Laysan rail, also referred to as the Laysan crake, was a tiny bird that inhibited the Laysan island in the Hawaii group. Introduction of rabbits led to habitat loss for the Laysan rail and World War II finally wiped off the species from the planet. With no predators to curb the number of rabbits, they ate the entire vegetation. There were around 2000 matured birds on the island in 1910, but within 13 years, i.e. by 1923, the number dropped to less than 10. Attempts to revive the Laysan rail population got a major setback when a US Navy landing craft accidentally broke free and drifted to islands, and all the rats onbaord ended up on the island thus colonizing it and marking the extinction of the Laysan rail species by 1944.

Little Swan Island Hutia
The Little Swan Island Hutia was a guinea-pig-like rodent native to the Swan Islands in the Caribbean. It was a slow moving creature which left the caves and lime stone crevices to feed on barks, twigs and leaves. It was assumed to be a subspecies of Jamaican Hutia, supposedly brought to Swan Islands from Jamaica. Once found in abundance on the island, the Little Swan Island Hutia population received a major blow in form of a hurricane in 1955, which resulted in loss of habitat for this creature. Eventually the introduction house cats on the island led to the extinction of Little Swan Island Hutia after occasional sightings in early 1950s.

Kaua'i 'O'o
The Kaua'i 'O'o, native to the Kauaʻi island in Hawaii, was smallest among the Hawaiian honey eater birds. The bird was abundantly found in the subtropical forests of the Kaua'i island until when the decline in its population began in the beginning of the 20th century. Introduction of the Black rat, domestic pigs and mosquitoes which were the carriers of certain avian diseases led to the fall in the population of this beautiful bird. It was last heard of in 1987. None of the efforts to revive the population of Kaua'i 'O'o yielded any results and the species was finally declared extinct.

Laughing Owl
The Laughing owl, also referred to as the White-faced owl, was found in abundance in New Zealand in the 19th century. The Laughing owl generally preferred rocky areas with low rainfall. Owing to the abuse of this species as specimens and loss of habitat due to land use changes, the population of this species began to decline in the last quarter of the 19th century. Furthermore introduction of predators such as cats also contributed to the extinction of Laughing owl. The owl had virtually become extinct by 1880 with just occasional sightings once in a while. The last confirmed sighting came from Canterbury, New Zealand in July, 1914.

Japanese Sea Lion
The Japanese sea lion, native to the coastal areas of Japanese Archipelago and the Korean peninsula, was a species of the otariidae family of sea lions and fur seals. Although, these sea lions preferred the flat open sandy beaches for breeding, they used to also bred in rocky areas in the vicinity. Japanese sea lion was exploited in large scale owing to the high value for its skin and oil in the international market. Some internal organs of this animal were also used in Oriental medicine and thus were in great demand. Overfishing of the species brought their number to less than 300 in 1915 and eventually to just a few dozens by 1930. Other reasons for the extinction of Japanese sea lion were loss of habitat due to submarine warfare in World War II and capturing of the species for circus trade. The last colony of these sea lions was sighted in 1950s, while the last confirmed sighting of an individual of this species was in 1974.

Javan Tiger
Javan tiger was a small subspecies of tiger endemic to Java in Indonesia. The Javan tiger was small compared to most of the tiger species. Excessive hunting and loss of habitat led to the extinction of the Javan tiger in the 1980s. Increase in human settlements on these islands led to habitat destruction for the Javan tiger as well as the Bali tiger. This reduction in habitat eventually resulted in competition with leopards and wild dogs for the available prey species. Excessive hunting also added to the woes of this animal. By 1950s, only around 25 tigers were surviving in the wild. The number went declining and soon resulted in extinction of the Javan tiger with the last confirmed sighting coming way back in 1972.

Hawai'i 'O'o
The Hawai'i 'O'o was a bird from the Mohoidae family of birds, which was found in abundance in the island of Hawaii. The striking plumage of this bird proved to be a curse for the species as it was hunted extensively to collect the feathers, which were used in decorations. These birds were also caught and sold as song birds, which mostly resulted its death in captivity. The introduction of musket made hunting much easier and by the end of 19th century, the bird had almost disappeared with rare appearances once in a while. The Hawai'i 'O'o was last seen on Mauna Loa, a volcano on south central Hawaiian island, in 1934.

Heath Hen
The Heath hen was a subspecies of the Greater Prairie-Chicken native to the heathland barrens of coastal New England. This species was found in abundance during the colonial regime, but extensive hunting for food brought about a drastic fall in their number and by the mid 19th century, the bird got extinct from the mainland and only a few hundreds were left on the island off Massachusetts. The number further declined and by the beginning of the 20th century the number of birds left was less than 100. However a destructive fire, unusual predators and then the blackhead disease killed the remaining population, and the last male Heath hen died in 1932, thus bringing an end to the species.

Grand Cayman Thrush
The Grand Cayman Thrush was a bird from the Turdidae family, endemic to Grand Cayman i.e. the largest of the three Cayman Islands. Soon after its discovery, this beautiful bird became a favorite among the bird collectors. More importantly, the habitat of Grand Cayman Thrust was largely affected due to excessive deforestation and frequently occurring hurricanes between 1932 and 1944. Loss of habitat made them an easy prey for hunters and bird collectors alike. By the end of the first quarter of 20th century, the bird had virtually become extinct. The last reported sighting of this species was in the north of East End in 1938.

Guam Flying Fox
The Guam Flying Fox was a small megabat or fruit bat, native to Guam the southernmost islands among the Marianas island chain. Considered a delicacy in Marianas, this species of fruit bat was extensively hunted as a food source, which led to its extinction in the mid 20th century. Other than this loss of habitat owing to World War II and predation by brown tree snakes led to extermination of the Guam flying fox from the island. The last Guam flying fox was spotted at Tarague cliff in 1967.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.

"So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on," said the young rooster. "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself,

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Liquid Crystal Display
Liquid crystal display (LCD) is quickly becoming the most popular version of the flat screen TV. For one thing, the variety of screen size is much greater. Only LCD TVs come in screen sizes less than 42 inches, making them the choice for people looking for a smaller screen. Normally ranging from 15 to 65 inches, LCDs use cold cathode fluorescent lamps to shine a light through LCD shutters and color filters to produce the picture on the screen. Their lighter weight and lowered costs have caused LCDs to surpass CRTs in sales by 2007.

Read more: Facts About Flat Screen TVs | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_5082638_flat-screen-tvs.html#ixzz29Dbsoeuo

Plasma
Plasma TVs are generally more expensive than LCDs, mainly because almost all of them are 42 inches or larger. However, they are also believed to have a higher picture quality than LCDs, offering up to a 1920 by 1080 resolution that is comparable to the quality of Blu-ray discs. The picture is produced by several tiny cells containing inert noble gases between two glass panels. The gas becomes plasma when electrically charged, thereby exciting phosphors to illuminate the picture.

Shortcomings - LCDs
LCD TV screens are known for having inferior picture quality when compared to plasma sets. Because of lower contrast ratios, LCDs are especially known for poor quality with very dark colors, like black and dark gray. The video response time is also slower than plasma; while it is only a matter of milliseconds, it can cause some blurred conditions with fast-moving images, a real concern with televised sports and video games.

Shortcomings - Plasmas
The biggest problem plasma TVs can have is the same "burn-in" effect that CRT TVs can have. This occurrence, where a prolonged, frozen image can permanently burn onto the screen, is becoming less of an issue with newer models and can be avoided by not having the screen excessively bright. Some plasma TVs also don't come with built-in speakers or a channel tuner, requiring external devices for those tasks.

Power Consumption
There is some debate as to how much energy flat-panel TVs consume, especially in comparison to their older CRT counterparts. The state of California has stated that flat-panel TVs can consume 43 percent more energy than a picture tube, especially with larger screens; this is likely because many flat panels are much larger than picture tubes. TV sets are also being designed to consume less energy with each passing year. Sony has shown that its 2008 models consume less than half the energy of the 2005 models.

MISCONCEPTION #1: PLASMA TVS NEED TO BE "SERVICED,"
OR HAVE THEIR PLASMA CHANGED OUT, EVERY COUPLE YEARS OR SO.

Perhaps the only compelling thing about this idea is that it resonates with good auto maintenance know how. To many people, plasma displays are like cars: You know how to use them, but you don't know a whole lot about how they work. Which is surely how this Urban Legend gained its foothold in the popular imagination in the first place. It has certainly been utilized by any number of unscrupulous TV salespeople to push extended warranties on otherwise unknowing "marks" -- people who have already spent a few thousand dollars on a new TV and would have no compunction about shelling out another $250 more, provided it will help safeguard their investment. While purchasing some additional "insurance" against mechanical defects might be worthwhile, especially when you are buying something this expensive, using scare tactics to ring up extended-warranty sales is unethical.

MISCONCEPTION #2: THE HIGHER THE RESOLUTION THE BETTER THE PICTURE ON A PLASMA TV

This misconception has been perpetrated by manufacturers, who want to move more expensive (i.e., higher-resolution) product, and by retailers, who are repeating whatever the manufacturer tells them. True, Super HD (1080p) plasma displays are more expensive than their HD counterparts. The reason is that increasing the resolution on a plasma screen means fitting more pixels in the plasma display element (glass). A simple eyeball test will tell you, though, that this is not necessarily money well spent. First and foremost, there is very little content available in 1080p resolution. Blu Ray DVDs and Blu Ray gaming technology are it right now. Secondly, a 1080p plasma or LCD does not look any better with an 1080i or 720p incoming signal than does a regular HD plasma due to the fact that the latter is capturing and displaying every line and pixel of resolution. In this case the 1080p plasma or LCD will have to upconvert the signal to its native resolution, thus increasing the odds of motion artifacts.

MISCONCEPTION #3: PLASMA TVS ARE LIKE SHOOTING STARS—
BRILLIANT BUT SHORT-LIVED.

With a current rating of 100,000 hours to half life on some of the top tier plasma brands, it this really an issue any more? If you watch the plasma television for 4 hours a day on a medium contrast setting, that's over 68 years of use.

One important tip to remember when you first hook up your plasma TV is to turn the contrast down from that peak setting. The darker the average room light, the lower you can afford to set the contrast ratio setting (sometimes called the Picture settting).

MISCONCEPTION #4: OWNING A GOOD PLASMA TV
IS COST-PROHIBITIVE

This is really two misconceptions rolled into one. The first has to do with the pricing structure of plasma displays. We all remember, some of us too well, the days in the mid-90s when plasma TVs started at $10,000 and had virtually no price ceiling. Well, things have changed. The growing demand for plasma displays, coupled with advancements in production efficiency ("yield rates"), have conspired to bring plasma TV prices back down to earth. You can get larger, better performing plasma TVs for a fraction of the price you might have just a couple years ago. (Nowadays, you can buy an 42" HDTV Plasma for less than $1000) This is partly because fully 9.8 sets in 10 come off the production line ready for sale, compared to just 5 in 10 in 1999 and fewer than 2 in 10 in the early 90s. Further suppressing prices is the fact that the defect rate of Japanese-made plasma TVs in the U.S. has fallen to less than 1% of the total product import.

MISCONCEPTION #5: PLASMA TVS ARE ENGINEERED TO HAVE
THE BEST POSSIBLE PICTURES RIGHT OUT OF THEIR BOXES.

Few people realize that some consumer electronics manufacturers ship their TVs "hot" -- that is, preset to compensate for higher-than-average ambient light levels, like the ones found in most electronics superstores. Most homes are nothing like these harshly-lit retail bazaars, so it is a good idea to take a look at the various PICTURE/CONTRAST settings already built in to your TV and identify the right one for your home, i.e., the one that looks best to you. Reduce contrast until the picture seems a little too dark, then give it some time to get used to it and you will be much happier with the image over time.

You might also try your hand at calibrating the picture yourself, using any one of a number of user-friendly video test discs. See our article on calibrating an HDTV here. A properly calibrated picture will yield more natural coloration and deeper black levels.

MISCONCEPTION #6: PLASMA TVS ARE DIFFICULT TO INSTALL.

The country's love affair with sexy-sleek TVs began with Philips's 2002 "It's Getting Better All the Time" ad campaign, which featured conspicuously wall-hung plasma TVs. Since then, Americans have had it in their minds that plasma displays need to be installed -- either by professionals or intrepid do-it yourselfers. Nothing could be further from the truth. While you can certainly mount your plasma on just about any wall in your house, it is equally as easy not to install your TV at all. No technician necessary. Simply attach your new display to a tabletop stand and place it wherever you want. Even mounting your plasma TV on the living-room wall has gotten easier, with a growing number of consumers opting to go it alone and hang their plasmas themselves. From our statistics gathering, we are finding that between 50 and 60% of plasma display owners choose to install a wall mounted applied plasma TV themselves.

MISCONCEPTION #7: PLASMA TVS GIVE OFF A LOT OF RADIATION.

This rumor just might be the most outlandish of the bunch, especially considering the fact that the monitor you're reading this on -- assuming it is a CRT -- gives off considerably more radiation than a plasma display ever could. While plasma monitors do generate a tiny amount of ultraviolet (UV) radiation, it is essentially negligible because this radiation extends no more than an inch outward from the screen. Because individual pixels are illuminated, the radiation is "contained" to the pixels themselves. This is not the case with tube-based TVs, which utilize an electron gun that shoots radiated light toward the screen in order to illuminate phosphors thereon. This projects small amounts of radiation sometimes more than 12" outward from the screen. Not to worry: Both plasmas and CRTs comply with Food and Drug Administration (FDA) guidelines for TV radiation emissions, which have been in place since 1969.

MISCONCEPTION #8: PLASMA TVS ARE PLAGUED BY PROBLEMS WITH BURN-IN.
Burn-in, or image retention, is the result of a damaged pixel, whose phosphors have been prematurely aged and therefore glow less intensely than those of surrounding pixels. The reason is that the damaged pixel has developed a "memory" of the color information that was repeatedly fed to it, causing it to glow in a static manner for a sustained period of time. This phosphor color information can actually become seared or etched into the plasma-screen glass, and in some rare cases it can become permanent. Once these phosphors are damaged, they cannot produce the same levels of light output as the other phosphors around them do. But pixels do not suffer burn-in singly. Burn-in occurs in the shape of a static image that linger on TV screens -- things like network logos, computer icons, Internet browser frames, etc.

MISCONCEPTION #9: PLASMA TVS ARE EXCESSIVELY FRAGILE THINGS.

Fragile, yes - as two sheets of glass are compressed together to form the plasma display element. While they must be handled with care, the main consideration is keeping them upright. The plasma glass is weighty and can crack if a plasma television when laying face down is jarred or dropped. Aside from that there is nothing really to be concerned about that you would not ordinarily consider.

Bill's Box

Bill and Hillary were married 30 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1869320,00.html

For most of us, New Year's is a day for resolutions. But for Fidel Castro, it marked the culmination of a long-awaited revolution. Fifty years ago on Jan. 1, Castro's Communist revolution swept aside the hated Batista regime. The change was bad news for the U.S.; Castro's regime (and American attempts to eliminated it) prompted the Bay of Pigs debacle, closed off a beautiful country with a vibrant music culture, and — possibly worst of all — triggered a 46-year-old trade embargo that has deprived Americans of Cuba's most prized export: its vaunted cigars.

Though Cuban cigars are perhaps the world's most revered, the stogie probably didn't originate on the island. Cigar smoking first took hold elsewhere in the Americas—exactly where and when remains uncertain. A ceramic pot discovered in Guatemala that dates at least as far back as the 10th century depicts a Mayan puffing on tobacco leaves bound up with string. (The Mayans may also have handed down the object's name: their term for smoking, sikar, likely led to the Spanish cigarro, from which the cigar takes its name.) When Columbus stumbled upon the Americas in 1492, he also discovered tobacco; the New World's natives smoked cylindrical bundles of twisted tobacco leaves wrapped in dried palm or corn husks.

Cuba's fertile land and favorable climate allowed all three types of tobacco leaves used in a cigar — the wrapper, filler and binder — to be harvested on the island, and sailing ships were soon distributing Cuban tobacco from Europe to Asia. Columbus had claimed Cuba for Spain, and the Spanish soon cornered the nascent industry, mandating in the 17th century that all tobacco for export be registered in Seville; they later tightened their stranglehold on the market by forbidding Cuban growers to sell the crop to anyone but them — a monopoly that persisted until 1817.

By then, cigars were exploding in popularity around the world. The U.S. consumed some 300 million cigars by the mid-19th century, and many Cuban cigar-makers migrated to nearby Florida, where Tampa became known as "Cigar City" by the early 20th century. "If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go," Mark Twain declared. Though the boom was partly lit by the cigar's affordability, they soon become a must-have accessory for debonair gentlemen — men like King Edward VII, who, upon assuming the British throne in 1901, famously announced a break with the smoke-free policies of his mother Queen Victoria by uttering the words: "Gentlemen, you may smoke." Ulysses S. Grant's cigar habit proved his undoing, saddling him with the throat cancer that killed him. And Freud was a chimney: Patients on his couch had to endure not only running commentary about their suppressed Oedipal complexes but the acrid stench from his 20-a-day cigar habit (which ultimately killed him too).

Despite the obvious health risks, cigars remain a fixture of pop culture. An episode of Seinfeld centered around a box of Cubans, while the stogie's famous champions include Michael Jordan, Rush Limbaugh and Lil' Wayne. Politicians dabble too — Arnold Schwarzenegger is a noted fan — although puffing on a Cuban can leave an eggy residue on a pol's face. A year after Tom DeLay thundered that "American consumers will get their fine cigars and their cheap sugar, but at the cost of our national honor," a photo emerged of the former House majority leader sucking on a Hoyo de Monterrey. Washington was also the site of the cigar's most infamous moment: its use as a sexual prop by former President Bill Clinton during a tryst with Monica Lewinsky.

Yet Washington is where cigar-lovers looking to enjoy a smooth Cohiba or Romeo y Julieta — without skirting the law — can look for hope. President-elect Barack Obama has indicated a willingness to discuss with Raul Castro the repeal of bans on Cuban-American travel and remittances—gestures that could ultimately lead to scrapping the trade embargo. For aficionados, that would be a welcome tonic for the grim times ahead. As Evelyn Waugh said, "The most futile and disastrous day seems well spent when it is reviewed through the blue, fragrant smoke of a Havana cigar."

http://www.ehow.com/how_7612696_identify-types-cigars.html

How to Identify Types of Cigars

Cigars come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes and styles.
Cigars are made from tightly rolled tobacco leaves. They vary in quality, size, shape, country of origin and type. There are countless varieties of cigars but they can be grouped into categories based on their shapes, seals, lengths and ring sizes. Each type of cigar smokes and tastes differently, so being able to identify types helps you pick the perfect cigar for you. Use a cigar reference guide to help you compare your cigar with others.

How to Identify Types of Cigars

Determine the shape of the cigar. Evaluate if the cigar has rounded or blunt tips, a torpedo or barrel shape and if the cigar is the same on both ends. Use a chart such as Cigar Choice Guide's "Cigar Types" to help you.

How to Identify Types of Cigars

Measure the length of the cigar. This will help you to narrow in further on the cigar type. Cigars typically range from 4 to 8 inches. Once you've measured the cigar, compare your findings with a reference guide, such as Cigar Info Guide's "Cigar Shapes And Cigar Ring Size Made Easy."

How to Identify Types of Cigars

Measure the diameter of the cigar by wrapping the tape around the thickest part of the cigar. Ring size is measured in 64th's of an inch, so determine ring size by multiplying the cigar's diameter by 64. For example, if the cigar diameter is 3/4-inch, its ring size is 48. Compare your ring size findings with those in your reference guide.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he did not have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked. “Yes, he is right here in my golf bag.”
“Could I see him?”
He opened his golf bag and out popped the genie. The friend turned to the genie and said,
“I am a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said.
“I wish for a million bucks!”
The genie hopped back into the golf bag and left him standing there waiting for his wish to be delivered.
Suddenly the sky began to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead was heard.
The friend turned to his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”
“I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?”

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!”

A man and a blonde who just met are having sex, when they finish the man rolls over to grab a cigar from the nightstand drawer. Before he grabs one he figures that it would be rude to start smoking without offering to the woman as well. So he rolls back over before lighting up and asks, “Do you smoke after sex?” “I don’t know,” says the woman with a worried look on her face, “I’ve never checked.”
Comment by Kirk on May 13, 2009 @ 8:49 am

Reasons Why Cigars Are Better Than Sex

• You can GET cigars.

• You can safely have cigars while you are driving.

• You can make cigars last as long as you want them to.

• You can have cigars even in front of your mother.

• Two people of the same sex can have cigars without being called nasty names.
• The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off cigars.

• You can have cigars on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

• You can ask a stranger for a cigar without getting your face slapped.

• You don’t get hairs in your mouth with cigars.

• With cigars there’s no need to fake it.

• Cigars don’t make you pregnant.

• You can have cigars at any time of the month.

• Good cigars are easy to find.

• You can have as many kinds of cigars as you can handle.

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody”
His customer answers in a slurred voice “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis.”
“Oh come on” replies the bartender.
The customer then says “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says “Why this is just a cigar”.
The customer looks puzzled and says “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says “See that”.
The bartender again inspects it closely and says “You asshole that’s just another cigar.”
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says “Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!”

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!”

Hurricanes are giant, spiraling tropical storms that can pack wind speeds of over 160 miles (257 kilometers) an hour and unleash more than 2.4 trillion gallons (9 trillion liters) of rain a day. These same tropical storms are known as cyclones in the northern Indian Ocean and Bay of Bengal, and as typhoons in the western Pacific Ocean.

The Atlantic Ocean’s hurricane season peaks from mid-August to late October and averages five to six hurricanes per year.

http://environment.nationalgeographic.com/environment/natural-disasters/hurricane-profile/

Hurricanes begin as tropical disturbances in warm ocean waters with surface temperatures of at least 80 degrees Fahrenheit (26.5 degrees Celsius). These low pressure systems are fed by energy from the warm seas. If a storm achieves wind speeds of 38 miles (61 kilometers) an hour, it becomes known as a tropical depression. A tropical depression becomes a tropical storm, and is given a name, when its sustained wind speeds top 39 miles (63 kilometers) an hour. When a storm’s sustained wind speeds reach 74 miles (119 kilometers) an hour it becomes a hurricane and earns a category rating of 1 to 5 on the Saffir-Simpson scale.

Hurricanes are enormous heat engines that generate energy on a staggering scale. They draw heat from warm, moist ocean air and release it through condensation of water vapor in thunderstorms.

Hurricanes spin around a low-pressure center known as the “eye.” Sinking air makes this 20- to 30-mile-wide (32- to 48-kilometer-wide) area notoriously calm. But the eye is surrounded by a circular “eye wall” that hosts the storm’s strongest winds and rain.

These storms bring destruction ashore in many different ways. When a hurricane makes landfall it often produces a devastating storm surge that can reach 20 feet (6 meters) high and extend nearly 100 miles (161 kilometers). Ninety percent of all hurricane deaths result from storm surges.

A hurricane’s high winds are also destructive and may spawn tornadoes. Torrential rains cause further damage by spawning floods and landslides, which may occur many miles inland.

The best defense against a hurricane is an accurate forecast that gives people time to get out of its way. The National Hurricane Center issues hurricane watches for storms that may endanger communities, and hurricane warnings for storms that will make landfall within 24 hours.

http://www.todayshomeowner.com/top-10-hurricane-myths-debunked/

Only coastal areas are at risk from hurricanes.
While the drama of a hurricane crashing into a coastal area makes compelling front page news, the effects are felt far inland. In fact, strong winds, heavy rain, tornadoes, and inland flooding can spread hundreds of miles from the coast, leaving extensive damage and death in their wake. Estimates by the National Hurricane Center of the effects of Tropical Storm Allison on the city of Houston, far removed from where the storm made landfall, is estimated at $4.8 billion

A storm surge is the deadliest part of a hurricane.
A storm surge is a wall of water pushed ashore as the center of a hurricane moves on land. While a storm surge can be deadly, more people die from inland flooding and flash floods of rivers and streams because they underestimate the power of moving water.

The upper floors of an apartment or condominium are a safe place to ride out a storm.
This is called “vertical evacuation,” and it’s a bad idea. Wind speed increases the higher you go, which can blow out window and rip off siding. Plus, rising water could cause structural damage to the lower levels. If that’s not enough, high winds and rising water make rescue nearly impossible.

A powerful hurricane will wipe out my house so why bother preparing?

Yes, there is always the possibility of losing it all in a major storm, but you should still take precautions to minimize damage as much as possible by boarding up windows, removing debris that can be potential projectiles, and trimming dead or dying limbs from trees around your home. These simple actions could mean the difference between a repairable house and a total loss.

Since I have homeowner’s insurance, I don’t need to worry.

Most homeowner’s insurance has a high deductible for hurricane damage and does NOT cover flooding. Check your coverage well before hurricane season begins then supplement it with additional flood insurance if you’re in a flood prone area. A good reference and supplemental coverage program is the National Flood Insurance Program administered by the federal government.

Before a storm, fill bathtubs and sinks to use as drinking water.

While water stored in a bathtub can be used for washing clothes, bathing, or flushing toilets, it’s not considered sanitary enough for drinking. Use bottled water instead.

A mobile home that has ties downs is a safe place to ride out a storm.

Whether a mobile home is tied down or not, it is NEVER a safe place to ride out a hurricane. The general rule is that if a mandatory evacuation is ordered, ALL mobile home residents should head for a shelter.

You should crack the windows during a hurricane or tornado.

A common belief is that opening a window will equalize the pressure and keep your house from exploding during a storm, but studies show that the best way to keep your home safe is to keep the wind out. While no house is airtight, boarding and shuttering up windows and doors is the best protection during a hurricane, especially from flying debris.

Taping up windows will prevent them from breaking.

Tape does little to protect your windows from being destroyed by flying debris, and if they don’t break, the tape will have to be scraped off after the storm. The best protection is to cover the windows with 5/8” plywood or special hurricane shutters.

It will never happen here.

While the path of a hurricane can be hard to predict, nowhere on the Gulf or East Coast is immune as this map from the National Hurricane center illustrates. The best way to protect your life and property is to plan ahead BEFORE a storm forms then heed the warnings and advice of your local emergency management agency. And don’t forget, even if you live inland, it CAN happen to you, too.

Don't Mess with old Ladies

Defence Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"

Little Old Lady: "I am 70 years old."

Defence Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?"

Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."

Defence Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defence Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"

Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."

Defence Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him."

Defence Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago."

Defence Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."

Defence Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."

Defence Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"

Defence Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'"

Defence Attorney: "Did he take you?"

Little Old Lady: "Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and started to run off

...that's when I shot him, the little bastard."

New Jersey

New Jersey is a peninsula.

Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida.

New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas.

New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky.

New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq. mi.) than Havana, Cuba.

New Jersey has the most dense system of highways and railroads in the US.

DOH!

New Jersey has the highest cost of living.
New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance.

New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation.

New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the Diner Capital of the World

New Jersey is home to the original mystery pork parts chub, Taylor Ham or Pork Roll.

North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius.

New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.

The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland.

New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns, some of the nations' most famous: Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch and Cape May.

New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for water quality control than any other seaboard state in the entire country.

New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals.

Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy.

New Jersey is the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production.

In 1642, the first brewery in America opened in Hoboken.

The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah in 1940.

New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80% of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first.

New Jersey is home to one of the nation's busiest airports at Newark Liberty International.
George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary War battles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington.

The light bulb, phonograph, and motion picture projector, were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ laboratory.

The first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs was in NJ.

The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ.

The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ.

The first phonograph records were made in Camden, NJ.

New Jersey is home to the Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City.

The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on their playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City. And, Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world.

New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries.

The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey.

New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world.
New Jersey had the first Medical Center, in Jersey City.

The Pulaski SkyWay, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway highway.

NJ built the first tunnel (Holland Tunnel) under a river, the Hudson.

The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra.
The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889. (Rutgers College played Princeton.)

The first Drive-in Movie theater was opened in Camden, NJ, (but they're all gone now.)

New Jersey is home to both of "NEW YORK'S " ProFootball Teams.

The first radio station and broadcast was in Paterson, NJ.

The first FM radio broadcast was made from Alpine, NJ, by Maj. Thomas Armstrong.

All New Jersey natives:
Sal Martorano, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifa, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume, Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, Budd Abbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnely, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Richard Wojewodzki, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Nelson Riddle, Lauryn Hill, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Robert Blake, John Forsyth, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gorden McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral Wm. Halsey,Jr., Dave Thomas(Wendy's), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Bob Reyers, Paul Robeson, Ernie Kovacs, Joseph Macchia, Frank Albert Sinatra, "Uncle Floyd" Vivino, and Kelly Rippa.

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

“I'm the one who steps from the shadows, all trenchcoat and cigarette and arrogance, ready to deal with the madness. Oh, I've got it all sewn up. I can save you. If it takes the last drop of your blood, I'll drive your demons away. I'll kick them in the bollocks and spit on them when they're down and then I'll be gone back into darkness, leaving only a nod and a wink and a wisecrack. I walk my path alone... who would walk with me?”
― Garth Ennis, Hellblazer: Dangerous Habits

“It's not a holiday until you overdo it!”
― Mike Carey, Hellblazer: All His Engines

“I wonder if I shall ever see her again, and I realize that I scarcely care. I can feel the sheets beneath me, and the cold air on my chest. I feel fine. I feel absolutely fine. I feel nothing at all.”
― Neil Gaiman, Hellblazer: London Streets

“We are all Gods or Demons- exerting the energy of will to squeeze the anarchic creativity of nature into our own image.”
― John Constantine

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Hellblazer

Going for It by Jamie Delano

John: [Thinking] I've never bothered with the cats for this ritual - too hard to catch, and they shriek like fury when you impale them. Anyway, all that messing about with rotten corpses and pain stuff is just to impress the marks - all you really need are the right contacts and a bit of nerve.
John: [Aloud] Wake up Blathoxi, you bladder of bile. It's me, John Constantine. I want a word with you. C'mon, you pus-sac. Don't keep me waiting. I'm calling in your marker, now.
[A demon dressed as a butler appears]
John: Who the hell are you? I called for the lord of flatulence, not one of his discharges.
Steward: In Hell I am the steward of the club wherein the Lord Blathoxi takes his ease. He commands me to inform you that your ritual was incompetent and insulting. You should have used the cats!

Issue 41, Dangerous Habits, Part 1: The Beginning of the End by Garth Ennis

John: I'm the one who steps from the shadows, all trenchcoat and cigarette and arrogance, ready to deal with the madness. Oh, I've got it all sewn up. I can save you. If it takes the last drop of your blood, I'll drive your demons away. I'll kick them in the bollocks and spit on them when they're down and then I'll be gone back into darkness, leaving only a nod and a wink and a wisecrack. I walk my path alone... who would walk with me?

John: Few people really think about dying... paranoids worry about it without really understanding it. Victims of fatal accidents and murder don't have time to think. You only really think about it if you take the time to. And you only take the time if you know it's going to happen.

Hellblazer Issue 50, Remarkable Lives by Garth Ennis

King of Vampires: You seem very sure of yourself, you little mortal bastard, so I'll tell you what.... If you can tell me why your ordinary, piss-boring life is better than mine, you can walk out of here alive. If you can't, I'll cut your throat and drink my fill and leave you half alive forever.
John: Easy. Can you go for a walk in the park and hear the birds sing in the morning? Can you kiss a girl and know she loves you? Can you go out and get pissed with your mates? I can. And just so we're sure who's better off, why don't we sit here together and watch the sun come up in an hour or so?

Issue 78, Rake at the Gates of Hell Part 1 by Garth Ennis

John: Christ, I hope she's strong enough. After this it starts getting nasty.

Issue 79, Rake at the Gates of Hell Part 2 by Garth Ennis

John: It's just the way of it, son. We all sell our souls sooner or later.

Issue 81, Rake at the Gates of Hell Part 4 by Garth Ennis

John: Now I'm just like the bastards I've hated all me life.

Issue 129, Son of Man, Part 1 by Garth Ennis

John: We are not children of celestial fuckin' light, walkin' arm-in-arm into the Age of Aquarius. We are wankers who wreck the planet an' piss on each other, 'til half the world's starvin' an' the other half's busy findin' new ways to keep from noticin' it. That's the fuckin' limit've our potential, believe me.
[On hating children]
John: I know, I know. "You were one once." I was a sperm once, but you don't see me wantin' to cuddle up to a fuckin' wankstain, do you?

[edit]Issue 134, Haunted, Part 1 by Warren Ellis

Detective Inspector Watford: [On seeing a boy inhaling from an aerosol] I had one like 'im the other day. Little girl. She did five cans of that. Froze her lungs solid. Nine years old.

John: Hello, Watford. Life in the police still a little ray of sunshine every day, is it?
Detective Inspector Watford: Never been a better time to be a copper, John. Thought we'd miss a Tory government something chronic, you know? But this new lot: "tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime." Great stuff. Things get worse every bleedin' day. It's like Maggie never left office. Lovely jubbly.

Clarice: John, I've known you a long time. I know you. I've known what you are since I went down on you in Highgate Cemetery when you were twenty-four years old. You're an adrenaline junkie. Don't turn some poor dead girl into today's fix. She can't deserve that.

Haunted, Part 6 by Warren Ellis

John: My name's John Constantine, and here I stay: haunted by London. And London, haunted by me.

Issue 177, Red Sepulchre, Part 1 by Mike Carey

John: I've already blown my cover, so I may as well drop my pants and bugger it properly.

Issue 182, Black Flowers Part 1 by Mike Carey

Slimy Demon: I am the emissary of King Arawn Pen Annuvin, who wishes you health and plenty.
John: Plenty of what? Mucus on my duvet?

Issue 215, R.S.V.P. Part 2 by Mike Carey

John: So. Magic. What's it all about, then? I wonder what you were after when you go into the game. It's usually something. Something specific that you think is worth taking risks for. Money. Sex. Revenge. Power. Enlightenment. Thinner thighs in thirty days. It's a long time ago for most of you, I know. Maybe you don't remember. Fuck, maybe you don't even want to. But I'll tell you something for free. At rock bottom, it's always about the same thing. It's always about entropy. The Universe is winding down. Things fall apart. The moving finger writes, and what it writes is "Tough shit." You can't get something for nothing. Like God said to Adam when he kicked him out of the garden, "Now you've got to work for a living." If there ever was a free lunch, it ended right there. So we push and we pull and we sweat. Putting in a shit-load of energy to get a little back. Third Law of Thermodynamics, right? The one we all love to hate. Cheers. But with magic, it's different. Or it could be. Case in point -- this fine old plonk. How did it get here? Grapes had to ripen. Peasants had to toil. Some plucky kid in Marks and Sparks had to zip a long the aisles with his pricing gun. Lots of effort. Lots of energy. And once it's gone, it's gone. When things fall apart -- they do not put themselves back together again. But if you ask a demon to bring you some wine -- or jiffy some up with a spell -- well, you're cheating the taxman, aren't you? It comes for free. No grapes. No peasants. No entropy. So here we all are, then. Chasing the earthly paradise. Trying to sneak back into Eden through the back door, because work is for mug punters. You stupid arrogant little shits. We're not playing fire, -- here we're playing with napalm. There's a war on and we're whoring with the enemy for pennies. Innocent people die when we fuck up. And we fuck up all the time. Oh, don't get me wrong. Eden's a nice place. I was there a few months back. Left a piece of myself buried in the ground there, for reasons I won't go into. So I can tell you, God hates our kind most especially. The cheats. The hellblazers. The collaborators. Look -- this is what Heaven has to say to the likes of us.

Issue 232, Wheels of Chance, Systems of Control, Part 1 of 2 by Andy Diggle

John: (internal) The old place still smells the same, that's the wierdest part. Beneath the new carpets and the fancy wallpaper, the gloss paint and velvet drapes-- --the lingering taint of blood and sweat, piss and shit. The tang of human fear. Takes me right back, it does. I never expected to come back. Not after last time. I thought I was done with this place. Thought it was done with me... But here I am again, back for one last ride on the merry-go-round. Except this time, I'm the one who's in control. And that's what it's all about, ennit? Control. Last time I slept here, I had none. Not even bladder control. But things change. People think magic's a way of transforming reality-- but in the end, you find that all that you've really changed is yourself. Which probably explains why every magician I've ever met's a self-absorbed arsehole. Still, first rule of magic: perception is reality. You gotta look the part. Button-down collar. Pinstripe suit. Ben Sherman. Good British label. Cuff links and cologne; it's been a while. There... nice and sharp.
John: I don't watch the ball. I watch them. Like I said-- You make your own luck. Perception is reality. And it doesn't matter a tuppeny toss where the ball actually lands... Just as long as they see what I want them to see.
[edit]

All His Engines, graphic novel by Mike Carey

Chas: You'll still need a driver. And there's me martial arts training-- that'll come in handy.
John: Tai Kwon Wheel Wrench? Shut up now, okay?
Melosa: He wants to know if you're-- devout. If you believe.
John: Devout? No. But there's not a lot I don't believe in.
Mictlantecuhtli: You forget yourself. I am no upstart demon, scrabbling in the dirt of the human soul. I am Mictlantecuhtli. I am a god.
John: Great stuff. I'm John-- and I'm a bastard.

John: Happy Families. What's that all about, eh? A bloody busted flush is what it is. You surround yourself with other people so the night doesn't seem quite so dark. Shout down the sound of the wind with arguments about whose turn it is to wash the dishes. Best not to kid yourself. Best not to give any hostages to fortune. You're on your own in the end. Always. Where else would you want to be?

[edit]Sandman Presents: Love Street, mini-series by Peter Hogan

Estella: I think we should drink to love. That's what Pammie would have wanted.
John: I generally drink because of it, darlin'.
Oliver: To ideals, then?
John: Yeah.... All right. I think I've got a couple left.

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why...

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!!"

http://shareranks.com/6462,The-Best-Company-Mottos#b

The Best Company Mottos

The possibilities are infinite (Fujitsu)

Just do it (Nike)

Impossible is Nothing (Addidas)

Think (IBM)

What will the world be like without Nutella (Nutella)

Reliable Green Solder Partner (Solder Indonesia)

Consistently do the best effort to supply the best quality of solder continuously to the customer

Sponsors of Tomorrow (Intel)

Intel is not afraid to push the capability of possibility in computing. You feel you are getting tomorrow's tech today.

The Power of Dreams (Honda)

Connecting People (Nokia)

Shift_the Future (Nissan)

Think Different (Apple Computer)

Your potential, our passion (Microsoft)

Don't be evil (Google)

It is easy to get carried away when you are growing as fast and as big as Google. From underdog to hero, Google is trying hard not to become the villain.

Ideas for life (Panasonic)

Everyone's invited (Samsung)

Save Money, Live Better (Walmart)

Yours is here (Dell)

Inspire the Next (Hitachi)

Like No Other (Sony)

Jump in (Xbox 360)

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

http://www.womansday.com/health-fitness/10-winter-health-myths-exposed-115114#slide-1

Myth #1: You can catch a cold by being out in the elements too long.

You’ve probably heard the old warning that going outside in chilly weather, and staying there too long, can make you “catch” a cold. Not true, says D.J. Verret, MD, an otolaryngologist in Dallas. “Going outside—with or without a wet head—is one of the best things you can do to prevent catching a cold. Actually being cold has nothing to do with your risk of catching a cold. Colds are caused by viruses or bacteria which are more often spread in the winter because of close contact from everyone being indoors.” That’s right, spending time outdoors can make you less susceptible to those nasty germs

Myth #2: More people are depressed during the winter months than at any other time of the year.

Gray, dreary skies. Holiday stress. Bitter-cold weather. It seems natural to assume that depression spikes in the winter months. And yet, health experts say that’s just a myth. “Contrary to popular belief, major depression is not more rampant during the winter months than at any other time of the year,” says John Sharp, MD, a professor at Harvard University and author of the new book The Emotional Calendar. But what about the wintertime sadness you may be feeling? “The ‘holiday blues’ is a significant, temporary, stress-related condition, but it is not a recognized medical ailment or diagnosis.” Some people may also experience Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which has symptoms similar to depression, such as insomnia, irritability and difficulty concentrating, but only occurs during the winter months. If you suffer from these symptoms or just have less energy in general during this time of year, consider trying light therapy, suggests Dr. Sharp, who explains that an inexpensive 10,000-lux light box (which can fit on your desk) used 20 minutes or so a day may give you a boost—even if you haven't been diagnosed with SAD by a medical professional. Click here to learn more about light therapy and search for a light box.

Myth #3: The idea that eating chicken soup can zap a cold is just an old wives' tale.

Your mom or grandmother may have raised you to believe that there’s something magical about chicken soup when it comes to treating a cold or flu, but is it true? Yes, says Dr. Sharp. “Turns out, there’s some real science behind this,” he says, explaining that chicken soup may have a positive effect on the immune system with something called neutrophil aggregation—which means “bringing white blood cells together.” White blood cells help fight off infection in your body and are integral to helping you feel better faster. While it’s not clear if other broths or hot beverages have similar immune system benefits, Dr. Sharp says hot liquids like tea and broth can help reduce the symptoms of a cold or flu virus, relieving sinus and throat pain.

Myth #4: You lose most of the heat from your body through your head, so you need to wear a hat.

We’ve all heard this one—and perhaps it worries you when you’re out with your children during the winter months. If they don’t wear a hat in the cold, is it drawing dangerous amounts of warmth from their bodies? Not really, says Dr. Sharp. “It’s largely a myth,” he says. While it’s true that you’ll lose heat from any part of your body that is exposed to the elements and not covered with clothing, forgetting a hat “is not a major health risk,” he assures. “You’re no better off in shorts and a hat than warm pants and no hat.” The bottom line: A hat is great in cold conditions, but if you leave the house without one to take the dog on a walk—no biggie. A warm coat is much more important to keep you insulated.

Myth #5: You shouldn’t exercise in the cold.

You may already be unmotivated to lace up your running shoes and head out into the cold, but if you’re worried that chilly-weather exercise is bad for your health, don’t be. “It’s fine to exercise in the cold, just make sure you warm up first,” says Dr. Sharp. That may mean walking a bit before starting on a vigorous run, or avoiding a big hill until you’re acclimated to the temperature. Sudden physical exertion in cold weather can, at times, be a risk for cardiovascular strain—for example, leaving your armchair and heading outside to vigorously shovel snow. (An important note: Anyone with a history of heart problems should always consult his or her doctor before starting any new exercise regimen—in the cold or otherwise.) Your best bet for winter workouts is to ease in slowly.

Myth #6: We need more sleep in the winter.

Admit it—when winter hits and the sun seems to all but disappear, the thought of hibernation sounds appealing, doesn’t it? But that sleepy feeling you may get in the winter doesn’t mean you should always let yourself snooze longer. “While it’s natural to want to be cozier and be in bed more, we don’t technically need more sleep,” Dr. Sharp explains. Instead, it’s likely that the scarcity of sunlight in the winter months makes us think we’re sleepy. There’s nothing wrong with going to bed earlier, but beware of sleeping too much. “Some people find that when they get more sleep, they feel sleepier during the day, even a little dazed.”

Myth #7: You don’t need sunscreen in the winter.

It’s cold and cloudy, so you can retire your sunscreen until sunny days at the beach this summer, right? Wrong, says Debra Jaliman, MD, a New York City–based dermatologist. “The sun and UV rays are present winter, spring, summer and fall,” she says. “I recommend that you wear a sunscreen with SPF 30, and it’s best to wear a UVA/UVB blocker. The best ones contain zinc or titanium.”

Myth #8: Frostbite is hard to get.

Frostbite may sound like something people dealt with in olden times, or possibly a condition suffered only by hardcore ski enthusiasts. But not only is frostbite easy to get, it’s more common than you think, says Dr. Jaliman, who got a case of frostbite after an afternoon on the slopes. How do you get it? When skin—usually on the extremities, like hands and feet—becomes too cold or wet (or both), it can become slightly numb and then blister. It can happen fast—even in just 30 minutes while in extreme cold and wet conditions. “If blisters occur, then there may be damage and the skin may turn black,” says Dr. Jaliman. “Then you may become insensitive to heat and cold in the future. With further damage, you may suffer nerve damage and lose fingers and toes.” And don’t think that it needs to be -10°F for you to run into trouble. “The temperature can be relatively warm at 32°F, but it's more about how long the bare skin is exposed. Also, wet skin is very vulnerable.”

Myth #9: Dry skin is just a harmless winter annoyance.

Itchy, flaky skin can be an irritating and unsightly consequence of cold, dry air. But should you just write it off as a winter annoyance? No, says Dr. Jaliman. Dry skin, if not kept at bay, can be a portal for infection. “It’s very important to keep dry skin hydrated,” she says. When skin becomes dry, it can lead to small cracks that can leave your body prone to infections. To prevent this, moisturize twice daily—after you shower and before bed—as well as throughout the day for body parts that are prone to dryness, like your hands. “I like Aquaphor,” says Dr. Jaliman. “It’s inexpensive and effective.”

Myth #10: You can’t get allergies in the winter months.

In the winter, there’s good and bad news for allergy sufferers, says Dr. Verret: “If you have pollen allergies, they will be better in the winter, but if you're sensitive to indoor allergens, such as pet dander or dust mites, your allergies may be even worse.” So although your sneezing and sniffling may not be from seasonal culprits, your indoor allergies could be more bothersome than usual.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter#Exceptionally_cold_winters

1683–1684, "The Great Frost", when the Thames, hosting one of many River Thames frost fairs, was frozen all the way up to the London Bridge and remained frozen for about two months. Ice was about 27 cm (11 in) thick in London and about 120 cm (47 in) thick in Somerset. The sea froze up to 2 miles (3.2 km) out around the coast of the southern North Sea, causing severe problems for shipping and preventing use of many harbors.

1739–1740, one of the most severe winters in the UK on record. The Thames remained frozen-over for about 8 weeks. The Irish famine of 1740–1741 claimed the lives of at least 300,000 people.

1816 was the Year Without a Summer in the Northern Hemisphere. The unusual coolness of the winter of 1815–1816 and of the following summer was primarily due to the eruption of Mount Tambora in Indonesia, in April 1815. There were secondary effects from an unknown eruption or eruptions around 1810, and several smaller eruptions around the world between 1812 and 1814. The cumulative effects were worldwide, but were especially strong in the Eastern USA, Atlantic Canada, and Northern Europe. Frost formed in May in New England, killing many newly-planted crops, and the summer never recovered. Snow fell in New York and Maine in June, and ice formed in lakes and rivers in July and August. In the UK, snow drifts remained on hills until late July, and the Thames froze in September. Agricultural crops failed and livestock died in much of the Northern Hemisphere, resulting in food shortages and the worst famine of the 19th century.

1887–1888, there were record cold temperatures in the Upper Midwest, heavy snowfalls worldwide, and amazing storms, including the Schoolhouse Blizzard of 1888 (in the Midwest in January), and the Great Blizzard of 1888 (in the Eastern US and Canada in March).

In Europe, the winters of early 1947,[13] February 1956, 1962–1963, 1981–1982 and 2009–2010 were abnormally cold. The UK winter of 1946–1947 started out relatively normal, but became one of the snowiest UK winters to date, with nearly continuous snowfall from late January until March.

1310–1330, many severe winters and cold, wet summers in Europe – the first clear manifestation of the unpredictable weather of the Little Ice Age that lasted for several centuries (from about 1300 to 1900). The persistently cold, wet weather caused great hardship, was primarily responsible for the Great Famine of 1315–1317, and strongly contributed to the weakened immunity and malnutrition leading up to the Black Death (1348–1350).

1600–1602, extremely cold winters in Switzerland and Baltic region after eruption of Huaynaputina in Peru in 1600.

1607–1608, in North America, ice persisted on Lake Superior until June. Londoners held their first frost fair on the frozen-over River Thames.

1622, in Turkey, the Golden Horn and southern section of Bosphorus froze over.
1690s, extremely cold, snowy, severe winters. Ice surrounded Iceland for miles in every direction.

1779–1780, Scotland's coldest winter on record, and ice surrounded Iceland in every direction (like in the 1690s). In the USA, a record five-week cold spell bottomed out at −20 °F (−29 °C) at Hartford, Connecticut, and −16 °F (−27 °C) in New York City. Hudson River and New York's harbor froze over.

1783–1786, the Thames partially froze, and snow remained on the ground for months. In February 1784, the North Carolina was frozen in Chesapeake Bay.

1794–1795, severe winter, with the coldest January in the UK and lowest temperature ever recorded in London: −21 °C (−6 °F) on 25 January. The cold began on Christmas Eve and lasted until late March, with a few temporary warm-ups. The Severn and Thames froze, and frost fairs started up again. The French army tried to invade the Netherlands over its frozen rivers, while the Dutch fleet was stuck in its harbor. The winter had Easterlies (from Siberia) as its dominant feature.

1813–1814, severe cold, last freeze-over of Thames, and last frost fair. (Removal of old London Bridge and changes to river's banks made freeze-overs less likely.)
1883–1888, colder temperatures worldwide, including an unbroken string of abnormally cold and brutal winters in the Upper Midwest, related to the explosion of Krakatoa in August 1883. There was snow recorded in the UK as early as October and as late as July during this time period.

1976–1977, one of the coldest winters in the US in decades.

1985, Arctic outbreak in US resulting from shift in polar vortex, with many cold temperature records broken.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

http://www.csmonitor.com/Business/Latest...-in-a-pear-tree

Prices of items in the Christmas carol "The Twelve Days of Christmas," according to PNC Wealth Management:

— Partridge, $15; last year: same

— Pear tree, $189.99; last year: 169.99

— Two turtle doves, $125; last year: same

— Three French hens, $165; last year: $150

— Four calling birds (canaries), $519.96; last year: same

— Five gold rings, $750; last year: $645

— Six geese a-laying, $210; last year: $162

— Seven swans a-swimming, $7,000; last year: $6,300

— Eight maids a-milking, $58; last year: same

— Nine ladies dancing (per performance), $6,294; last year: same

— 10 lords a-leaping (per performance), $4,767; last year: same

— 11 pipers piping (per performance), $2,562; last year: $2,428

— 12 drummers drumming (per performance), $2,776; last year: $2,630

http://www.dezert-rose.com/humor/christmas/12daysreply.html

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes

***

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

***

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

***

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

Ag

***

December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From Ag

December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

***

December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas

SIGNS SANTA CLAUS IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN

15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.

14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.

13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!

12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."

11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.

10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.

9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.

8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.

7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.

6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.

5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!

4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.

3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.

2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.

1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while in the summer both male and female reindeer grow antlers each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7...

http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/09/11-sex-facts-to-blow-your-mind.html

Fact: Orgasms can lower a woman's risk of heart disease, stroke, breast cancer, and depression.

Fact: The world's largest recorded penis belongs to 41-year-old New Yorker Jonah Falcon, whose appendage measures 9.5 inches flaccid and 13.5 inches erect.

Fact: The impulse to ejaculate comes from the spinal cord; no brain is needed.

Fact: The average male orgasm lasts six seconds; the average female orgasm lasts twenty seconds.

Fact: The left testicle usually hangs lower than the right for right-handed men. The opposite is true for lefties.

Fact: One out of every six Americans aged 14 to 49 has a genital herpes HSV-2 infection.

Fact: After fingers and vibrators, candles are the phallic objects used most often by female masturbators. Unlit ones, hopefully.

Fact: The most common cause of penile rupture is vigorous masturbation. If that happens, you're doing it wrong.

Fact: When two people kiss, they exchange between 10 million and 1 billion bacteria.

Fact: The average vagina is three to four inches long but can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused. It's an optimistic organ.

Fact: Despite what men claim, only 15 percent have a penis longer than seven inches. Only 3 percent have a penis more than eight inches long.

http://www.infobarrel.com/10_Facts_about_Rain#2bi2ahWQjgyKlu3Y.99

1. The umbrella was originally invented to protect people from the hot sun.

2. Rain drops can fall at speeds of about 22 miles an hour. To take this into
perspective, a snowflake falls at about 2-4 mph can take about 1 hour to finally
reach the ground.

3.Rain starts off as ice or snow crystals at cloud level. A droplet of water will stay in Earth’s atmosphere for around 10 days.

4. Light rain is classified as being no more then 0.10 inchese of rain an hour. Rainfall observations and
records are made by thousands of stations throughout the world. Rainfall is measured, in terms of inches or millimeters of depth.

5. Heavy rain is classified as being more then 0.30 inches of rain an hour. If droplets are very small
they are typically known as drizzle.

6. Louisiana is the wettest state in the U.S, which receoved an annual rainfall of 56 inches. But on average there are over 1500 thunderstorms occurring on earth with 100 lightning strikes per second. You
have about a one and thee million chance in being struck by lightning and during a hurricane, almost 100% of people that die end up drowning.

7. Rain drops range in size from 0.02 inches to about .031 inches. About an inch of rain water is equak to about15inches of dry snow.

8. Rain drops do not fall in a tear drop shape, they originally fall in the shave of a flat oval.

9. Rain that freezes before it hits the ground is known as frozen rain.

10. Rain is recycled water that evaporated from our worlds lakes, rivers, oceans, seas etc. Once evaporated the water will eventually fall as precipitation and a droplet of water may travel thousands of miles throughout this process.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife was barking at the front door who would you let in first and why?

A. The dog. Why? Well because he will quit barking when you let it in!!!

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

http://dirtysounding.com/

dirty names

Ader Titsoff
Adolf Oliver Nipple
Albee Fuctifino
Alotta Bush
Alotta Fagina
Alota Vagina
Amanda Bangor
Amanda D. P. Throat
Amanda Doomy
Amanda Faulk
Amanda Huginkiss
Amanda Hump
Amanda Hump
Amanda Lay
Amanda Lick
Amanda Lick
Amanda Mount
Amanda Mount
Amanda Poker
Amanda Poker
Ana Linjector

Andy Cornholder
Andy Felterbush
Andy Fetersnatch
Andy lickther
Andy Phuckterpuss
Andy Phucter
Anita Bangor
Anita B. Jaynow
Anita B. Lojob
Anita Bath
Anita Blackman
Anita Bohn
Anita Bona
Anita Dick
Anita Dickinme
Anita Dump
Anita Fuch
Anna Gaspuwer
Anita Gofradump
Anita Hanjaab
Anita Hardcock

Anita Head
Anita Hoare
Anita Hummer
Anita Jackoff
Anita Lay
Anita Little
Anita Longerman
Anita Manda Ball
Anita Mandelay
Anita Masingil
Anita Naylor
Anita P. Ness
Anita Pussy
Anita Semen
Anita Wackoff
Anita Woodcock
Anita Woody
Anita Wyderbox
Anna Bortion
Annie Position
Annie Rection
Anya Neeze

Barry McCociner
Barry McDikkin
Barry Mapole
Bea Chermeat
Ben Derhover
Ben Derhover
Ben Dover
Ben Gurgen Hoffe
Ben Jackinoff
Ben N. Syder
Ben O. Verbich
Ben R. Over
Ben TimOver
Ben Wabawls
Berry McCaulkiner
Betty Bangzer
Betty Drilzzer
Betty Humpter
Betty Humpter
Betty Phuckzer
Betty Phucter
Betty Yeragoodlay
Bill Lowbiter
Bo N. Herr
Bo Nerr
Brooke N. Rubbers
Bruce D. Cocque
Buck Nekkid
Buster Cherry
Buster Hymen

C. Mike Rack
Cantsia Weiner
Chastity Belt
Chris P. Nutts
Claude Balls
Clee Torres
Clint Toris
Cole Ostamie
Colin Forsecs
Connie Lingus
Cox Ucker
Craven Moorehead
Curley Pubes

Daisy May Blow
Dang Lin-Wang
Daryl B. Payne
Dave Head
Dean Gil Barry
Dee Flower
Dia Rhea
Dick Aiken
Dick Alred
Dick Army
Dick Assman
Dick Beiter
Dick Bender
Dick Beninya
Dick Brain
Dick Burns
Dick Bush
Dick Butkus
Dick Cheese
Dick C. Normus
Dick Cranium
Dick Cumming
Dick Cumoff
Dick Daily
Dick Eder
Dick Encider
Dick Face
Dick Finder
Dick Fitzintite
Dick Fitzinwell
Dick Gozinya
Dick Handler
Dick Head
Dick Hertz
Dick Holder
Dick Hungwell
Dick Hunter
Dick Johnson
Dick Kisser
Dick Less
Dick Lipps
Dick Little
Dick Long
Dick Myaz
Dick N. Butts
Dick N. Cider
Dick N. Snatch
Dick Nose
Dick Payne
Dick Pole
Dick Pound
Dick Raasch
Dick Ramdass
Dick Rasch
Dick Schwab
Dick Scott Wood
Dick Seaman
Dick Slocumb
Dick Smack
Dick Stick
Dick Struck
Dick Sucker
Dick Swett
Dick Swollan
Dick Tater
Dick Trickle
Dick Wacker
Dick Wad
Dick Weed
Dick Zucker
Dickie Chew
Dill Doe
Dirk E. Sanchez
Dixie Normous
Dixie Rect
Dixon B. Tweenerlegs
Dixon Butts
Dixon Cox
Dixon Hand
Dixon Kuntz
Don Keedix
Doug McCockin
Dougie Style
Drew Peacock

E. Jack Ulayte
E. Norma Scock
E. Norma Stits
E. Normous Peter
E. Rex Sean
Eaton Beaver
Edith D. Pussy
Edith McCrotch
Edith Mydick
Eileen Ulick
Elaine R. Over
Emmerson Bigguns
Emmerson Littleuns
Emmerson Niceuns
Enorma Skank
Eric Chin
Eric Shun
Eric Ted Long
Eric Tyldisfunction
Erin Gobraless

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

http://hoopedia.nba.com/index.php?title=List_of_National_Basketball_Association_Teams

List of National Basketball Association Teams

The Tri-Cities Blackhawks (which include Moline and Rock Island, Illinois and Davenport, Iowa) began as a National Basketball League (NBL) team in 1946. They joined the Basketball Association of America (BAA) in 1948. In 1949 the BAA and the NBL merged, creating the National Basketball Association.

Like Chicago's National Hockey League franchise, the Blackhawks were named after the famous Sauk Chief Black Hawk. Chief Black Hawk's tribe had been located in Rock Island and a major part of the 1831 Black Hawk War had been fought in the surrounding areas. Thus the owners named the team the "Blackhawks".

In 1951, the team migrated north to Milwaukee where the name was shortened. The team became known as the Milwaukee Hawks.

Four years later, the team moved to St. Louis to become the St. Louis Hawks.
The Hawks relocated to Atlanta in 1968, just in time to win the division championship.

The Boston Celtics are a professional basketball team in the National Basketball Association based in Boston, Massachusetts and are 17-time NBA champions.

The Boston Celtics are one of the NBA’s original teams. They came into existence in 1946 when the Basketball Association of America, the forerunner of today's NBA, was established.
The name seemingly grew out of a conversation between owner Walter Brown and Howie McHugh, a member of the Garden's publicity staff and the man assigned to handle the basketball entity. Both men suggested several nicknames, including Whirlwinds, Unicorns, and Olympics.

The Charlotte Bobcats are a professional basketball team based in Charlotte, North Carolina. The team is part of the Southeast Division of the Eastern Conference in the National Basketball Association. The Bobcats were established in 2004 as an expansion team, two seasons after Charlotte's previous NBA team, the Charlotte Hornets, relocated to New Orleans, Louisiana and became the New Orleans Hornets. The Bobcats play their home games at Time Warner Cable Arena in uptown Charlotte.
Charlotte's NBA Development League team is the Sioux Falls Skyforce (the affiliation is shared with the Minnesota Timberwolves). The Bobcats were also the brother team of the Charlotte Sting of the WNBA before the Sting folded on January 3, 2007.
The NBA granted Charlotte an expansion franchise in 2003. The franchise narrowed the choice for the team’s nickname to three finalists. The Bobcats, Dragons, and Flight are chosen out of approximately 1,250 suggestions submitted to the team and the Charlotte Regional Sports Commission. During the summer of 2003, at a street festival that attracted an overflow crowd of 7,000 fans, the Charlotte NBA expansion franchise unveils Bobcats as the team nickname.

Chicago Bulls are an American professional basketball team in Chicago, Illinois, playing in the Eastern Conference of the NBA. The team was founded in 1966. They play their home games at the United Center. The team is well known for having one of the greatest dynasties in NBA history during the 1990s, winning six championships in 8 years with two three-peats. All six of those championship teams were led by Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen and coach Phil Jackson. The first three championship teams included the likes of Bill Cartwright, Horace Grant, John Paxson and B.J. Armstrong, while the latter three championship teams had Luc Longley, Steve Kerr, Ron Harper, Toni Kukoč and Dennis Rodman on the roster. The Bulls won an NBA record 72 games during the 1995–96 NBA season and are the only team in NBA history to win at least 70 games in a single season. During the 1990s, the Bulls helped spread the popularity of the NBA around the world. The 1998 NBA Finals, the Bulls' most recent championship appearance, was the most watched championship series in NBA history.

The Cleveland Cavaliers (also known as the Cavs) are a professional basketball team based in Cleveland, Ohio. They began playing in the National Basketball Association (NBA) in 1970 as an expansion team and won their first Eastern Conference Championship in 2007.

The Dallas Mavericks are a professional basketball team of the National Basketball Association based in Dallas, Texas. The team is owned by Mark Cuban, and the president and CEO is Terdema Ussery.
Founded in 1980, the Dallas Mavericks have won two division titles and one conference championship. According to Forbes Magazine, the Mavericks are the third most valuable basketball franchise in the United States, valued at approximately $463 million, surpassed only by the New York Knicks and the Los Angeles Lakers.

Denver Nuggets are an American professional basketball team of the Western Conference of National Basketball Association (NBA) based in Denver, Colorado.

Franchise history
The franchise was known as the Denver Rockets when it entered the ABA in 1967. The same year, an NBA expansion franchise named the San Diego (now Houston) Rockets began play. After seven seasons, and with entry into the NBA looming, Denver team officials renamed the club. "Nuggets" refer to the 19th century mining boom in Colorado, when people rushed to the area, hoping to make their fortunes by panning gold and silver nuggets. It also draws a connection to the defunct Denver Nuggets that played one season (1949-50) in the NBA.
The Nuggets joined the NBA in 1976 when four ABA teams merged into the NBA.

The Detroit Pistons began their basketball life as the Fort Wayne Zollner Pistons, members of the National Basketball League (NBL). Fred Zollner, owner of the team from its formation in 1941 until 1974, played a key role in merging the NBL with the BAA (Basketball Association of America), which created the NBA in 1948. The Pistons moved to Detroit in 1957. The Pistons have won two NBL titles and three NBA titles.

The Golden State Warriors are a professional basketball team based in Oakland, California, United States. They are part of the Pacific Division of the Western Conference in the National Basketball Association (NBA). The team was first established in 1946, as the Philadelphia Warriors, in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where the franchise won the championship in the inaugural season of the Basketball Association of America (BAA), the league that would eventually become the National Basketball Association. In 1962, the franchise was relocated to San Francisco, California and became known as the San Francisco Warriors until 1971, when its name was changed to the current Golden State Warriors. The team has played all of its home games in the Oracle Arena since 1966, with the exception of a one-year hiatus. Along with their inaugural championship win in the 1946–1947 season, the Warriors have won two others in the team's history, including another in Philadelphia after the 1955–56 season, and one as Golden State after the 1974–75 season, tying them for 6th in the NBA in number of championships.

The Houston Rockets are an American professional basketball team based in Houston, Texas. The team is part of the Western Conference of the NBA.
[On January 11, 1967, San Diego became the 12th member of the National Basketball Association. To select a name for their new NBA club, the basketball fans of San Diego were asked to choose a nickname for the team.
Out of 10,000 entries, more than 1,000 different names were submitted. After careful deliberation, a group of leading citizens chose Rockets because it fit in with San Diego's theme of a "City in Motion"; while reflecting the outstanding growth of space-age industries in San Diego.

The Indiana Pacers are a professional basketball team based in Indianapolis, Indiana. They are members of the Central Division of the Eastern Conference of the National Basketball Association (NBA). The Pacers play their home games at Conseco Fieldhouse, which they share which their WNBA counterpart, the Indiana Fever, also owned by Herb Simon. The Indiana Pacers began play in 1967 as members of the American Basketball Association (ABA), where they won three championships and created a dynasty. In 1976, the Pacers moved from the ABA to the NBA when the Indiana dynasty ended and the Pacer organization began to struggle. The Pacers organization saw success with the acquisition of Reggie Miller. Following the appearance in the 2000 NBA Finals, the Pacers have not seen much playoff success, not seeing postseason play since the 2005–2006 season.

Los Angeles Clippers is an American professional basketball team in the Pacific Division of the NBA based in Los Angeles, California, competing at the STAPLES Center. In 1978, the Buffalo Braves moved to San Diego.
Team officials thought the name "Braves" did not fit in with San Diego's image. A contest was held to name the team and the entry of San Diego Clippers was selected as the winner. The reason that Clippers was selected as the new team name was the fact that San Diego was known for the great sailing ships -- "clippers" -- that passed through the San Diego harbor many years ago. The franchise moved to Los Angeles in 1984 and have been known ever since as the Los Angeles Clippers.

The Los Angeles Lakers are a National Basketball Association (NBA) team based in Los Angeles, California. The Lakers play their home games at STAPLES Center, which they share with their fellow NBA rival, the Los Angeles Clippers, and their sister team, the Los Angeles Sparks of the WNBA.

The Memphis Grizzlies are an American professional basketball team based in Memphis Tennessee. The team competes in the Southwest Division of Western y
Vancouver was granted an expansion team in the spring of 1994 to begin play in 1995-96 season.
The team was named the Grizzlies. The Grizzlies borrow their name from the Grizzly bears that are part of the rugged landscape of British Columbia. Grizzlies reflect the powerful nature of the sport of basketball, and the heritage and culture of Western Canada.
The team relocated to Memphis prior to the 2001-02 season.

Miami Heat is an American professional basketball team in the National Basketball Association based in Miami, Florida.

On May 22, 1968, Milwaukee's second professional basketball team got a name -- the Milwaukee Bucks. More than 14,000 fans participated in a team-naming contest. According to the 1969-70 Milwaukee Bucks yearbook, R.D. Trebilcox of Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin, was one of 45 persons who suggested the name "Bucks." His reasoning: "Bucks are spirited, good jumpers, fast and agile." Mr. Trebilcox won a new car for his efforts in helping to position Milwaukee's entry into the professional sports world with an enduring nickname. Other suggested names were Skunks, Beavers, Stags, Hornets, Stallions, Ponies, Badgers, Packers, and Braves.
The Bucks have a rich history which includes an NBA Championship in 1971 and has seen such superstars as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Oscar Robertson, Ray Allen, and Michael Redd. Read More

The Minnesota Timberwolves are a National Basketball Association (NBA) basketball team in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The Brooklyn Nets are an American professional basketball team in the National Basketball Association that plays in the Eastern Conference's Atlantic Division.
They have endured their share of difficulties since they first took the floor as the New Jersey Americans in 1967. One of 11 original American Basketball Association franchises, the club has played in six arenas in the New York metropolitan area. Along the way, they soared to the top of the ABA on the back of Julius "Dr. J" Erving, then fell to the cellar upon entry into the NBA. The late 1980s and early 1990s saw the Nets' slow rise to respectability in the NBA's Eastern Conference and, following a 43-39 mark in 1997-98 and an appearance in the playoffs, the franchise appeared to be back on solid ground. After two trips to the NBA Finals, the Nets had a record breaking 2009-2010 season in which the team won only 12 games. However, despite having a rather "appaling" season, the Nets are currently trying to add to their team with free agents. At the end of the 2011-12 NBA season the Nets successfully moved to Brooklyn, New York.

The New Orleans Horpnets are an American professional basketball team in the NBA, the team is based in New Orleans, Louisiana. The Hornets joined the NBA in 1988 as an expansion franchise based in Charlotte. They moved to New Orleans in 2002 until Hurricane Katrina forced them to relocate temporarily to Oklahoma City. They split their time between New Orleans and Oklahoma City during the 2005-06 and 2006-07 campaigns but returned permanently to their home in New Orleans for the 2007-08 season

The New York Knickerbockers, known familiarly as the Knicks, are a professional National Basketball Association team based in New York City, and the most valuable franchise in the league, valued at $608 million. The organization was a founding member of the Basketball Association of America in 1946 and would join the NBA after the BAA and National Basketball League merged.
The Knicks are one of only two teams of the original National Basketball Association still located in its original city (the other being the Boston Celtics). The team was originally known as the Knickerbockers, which it has retained as the official name, as reference to the synonymity between the term and New York City in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.
Over their sixty-two years of existance, the Knicks have won two NBA championships and eight NBA conference titles.

Philadelphia 76ers (or Sixers for short) are an American professional basketball team based in Philadelphia Pennsylvania that play in the Eastern Conference for the NBA.

Phoenix Suns

When Co-Owner Karl Eller was stumped with the task of naming the new National Basketball franchise in Phoenix, he asked the board of directors "Why not throw it open to the fans and see what they come up with?"
As an incentive to draw thousands of participants, the club announced that everyone entering would receive a free ticket to a future basketball game.

The Portland Trail Blazers, commonly known as the Blazers, are an American professional basketball team based in Portland, Oregon. They play in the Northwest Division of the Western Conference of the National Basketball Association (NBA). The Trail Blazers originally played their home games in the Memorial Coliseum, before moving to the Rose Garden Arena in 1995. Based in Portland throughout its existence, the franchise entered the league in 1970, and is the only major league franchise in Oregon until 2011 when the Portland Timbers will join the MLS. The franchise has also enjoyed a strong following; from 1977 through 1995, the team sold out 814 consecutive home games, the longest such streak in American professional sports.
The team has advanced to the NBA Finals three times, winning the NBA Championship once, in 1977. The other NBA Finals appearances were in 1990 and 1992. The team has qualified for the playoffs in 26 seasons of their 39-season existence, including a streak of 21 straight appearances from 1983 through 2003. Four Hall of Fame players have played for the Trail Blazers (Lenny Wilkens, Bill Walton, Clyde Drexler, and Dražen Petrović), as well as one player (Scottie Pippen) who was recognized as one of the league's 50 greatest but who is not yet eligible for the Hall. Bill Walton is the franchise's most decorated player; he was the NBA Finals Most Valuable Player in 1977, and the regular season MVP the following year. Three Blazer rookies (Geoff Petrie, Sidney Wicks, and Brandon Roy) have won the NBA Rookie of the Year award. Two Hall of Fame coaches, Lenny Wilkens and Jack Ramsay, have patrolled the sidelines for the Blazers, and two others, Mike Schuler and Mike Dunleavy, Sr., have won the NBA Coach of the Year award with the team.

The Sacramento Kings are a professional basketball team based in Sacramento, California, United States. The Kings are members of the National Basketball Association The Kings trace their roots all the way back to the start of the NBA. In 1949 the franchise was one of 17 charter members of the new league that was created by the merger of the Basketball Association of America (BAA) and the National Basketball League (NBL). Since being located in Rochester, New York and known as the Rochester Royals, the club has been known as the Cincinnati Royals, the Kansas City-Omaha Kings, and the Kansas City Kings. The franchise moved to Sacramento in 1985.

The San Antonio Spurs are an American professional basketball team based in San Antonio, Texas. They play in the National Basketball Association (NBA).
The Spurs are one of four former American Basketball Association teams (along with the Nets, Pacers, and Nuggets) to remain intact in the NBA after the 1976 ABA-NBA merger and is the only former ABA team to have won an NBA championship. The Spurs have won four NBA championships, more than any NBA franchise except the Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers, and Chicago Bulls. The Spurs' perfect record in NBA Finals series is surpassed only by the Chicago Bulls, who have won six without a loss; the Bulls and Spurs are the only two teams to maintain perfect records through multiple Finals series. As of July 2009, the Spurs rank third among active franchises for the highest winning percentage in NBA history; they have only missed the playoffs 4 times as an NBA franchise.

The Toronto Raptors are a professional basketball team based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. They are part of the Atlantic Division of the Eastern Conference in the National Basketball Association (NBA). The team was established in 1995, along with the Vancouver Grizzlies, as part of the NBA's expansion into Canada. When the Grizzlies relocated to Memphis, Tennessee in 2001, the Raptors became the only Canadian team in the NBA. They originally played their home games at SkyDome, before moving to the Air Canada Centre (ACC) in 1999.

The Utah Jazz are an American professional basketball team in the National Basketball Association based in Salt Lake City, Utah.

The Washington Wizards are an American professional basketball team that play in the National Basketball Association. They are based in Washington, D.C. and play their home games at the Verizon Center.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Pedophile Myths & Facts

http://childprotection.lifetips.com/faq/...acts/index.html

Pedophiles only have sex with children, never adults. Not true. Many are in adult relationships.

* Pedophiles randomly pick their victims. Not true. They typically know and have fantasized about their victims.

* Pedophiles are made up only of men. Not true. While men are typically more likely to be child offenders, there are documented cases of women pedophiles.

* Sex offenders are easy to suspect. Not true. Many people are surprised to discover that someone they know is a sex offender.

*

Children are afraid of child pedophiles. Not true. Often these people have a close and trusted relationship with the child.

* All pedophiles receive treatment when given prison terms. Not true. Unfortunately, many never receive treatment at all.

http://www.parent24.com/School_7-12/health_safety/12-facts-on-child-abductions-20080808

child abductions

1. There are 3 types of abductions

When a stranger takes a child away for criminal purposes (such as sexual assault or ransom – the latter would be classified as a kidnapping in South Africa);
When a child is stolen to be brought up by the abductor;
When a parent removes a child from the other parent's care.

2. What makes it kidnapping?

The following things classify an abduction as a kidnapping: the child is detained, taken away some distance from where it was abducted, and is held for ransom money. Or the child is taken in order to keep it permanently.

3. Kidnapping or abduction?

According to the law in South Africa, kidnapping is a separate crime from abduction. Abduction is defined as the unlawful taking of a minor from the control of their parent or guardian for the purpose of marriage or sexual intercourse.

4. Ransom

Kidnapping for ransom (of both children and adults) is most common in countries with a high crime and corruption level, a poorly resourced police force, a weak judicial system, and a history of social or political instability, according to a study conducted in South Africa for the Institute for Security Studies.

5. Dozens of kidnappings

The Gauteng police deal with over a dozen kidnappings for ransom each month, according to the study mentioned above. Most of these kidnappings involve children.

6. Parental abductions

In the case of parental abductions, the parents are usually involved in a custody battle. Children are almost never harmed in these abductions, and according to studies, the vast majority of them are returned to the rightful parent within a week.

7. The outcome

When children are kidnapped, statistics reveal that over 40% of the incidents end with the death of the child.

8. Who is the kidnapper?

53% of non-family abductions are committed by people known to the victim, according to NISMART (National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway and Throwaway Children – an American organisation). A study of theirs also found that three-quarters of non-family abductions are committed by men. These men often had brief contact with the child, such as delivering something to the house, or doing minor repairs.

9. Locations

71% of non-family abductions occurred in outside areas, such as a wood, a park or in the street, according to NISMART. Very few abductions take place from school grounds or shopping centres.

10. The usual suspect

The average age of a male abductor is 27, and he is usually unemployed, working in a low-skilled job, living alone, or with his parents, according to a study conducted by OJJDP (the American Justice Department's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention).

11. Run-away or abducted?

The vast majority of children who are reported missing have run away, or there has been miscommunication with the parents about where they should be.

12. Girls more than boys

About two-thirds of stranger abductions involve female children with an average age of 11.

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old chick.

Now I have a two million dollar home, a $60,000 car, a king size bed and a 65 inch plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 21 year old chick, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/about/a/aa040615.htm

MYTH: Beer is less intoxicating than other types of alcoholic beverage.

FACT: One 12-ounce can of beer, one 4-ounce glass of wine or one normal mixed drink or cocktail are all equally intoxicating.

MYTH: Switching between beer, wine, and liquor will make you drunker.

FACT: Mixing types of drinks may make you sicker by upsetting your stomach, but not more intoxicated. Alcohol is alcohol.

MYTH: Cold Showers, fresh air or hot coffee help sober a person.

FACT: Only time will remove alcohol from the system. It takes the body approximately one hour to eliminate the alcohol in one drink. An old saying goes, "give a drunk a cup of coffee and all you have is a wide-awake drunk.

MYTH: Eating a big meal before you drink will keep you sober.

FACT: Drinking on a full stomach will only delay the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream, not prevent it. Eating before you drink is not a defense against getting drunk.

MYTH: Everyone reacts to alcohol in the same way.

FACT: Many factors affect a person's reaction to alcohol — body weight, metabolism, gender, body chemistry, and many others

http://newyork.grubstreet.com/2011/06/sloshed_time_to_buck_up_on_you.html

The darker the beer, the warmer it should be served.

The truth: BASICALLY TRUE. But it's not a clear spectrum. Famous beer writer (and a poor guy who must have endured a hundred jokes a day about his name) Michael Jackson laid out a basic system where the darker you go, the warmer you serve the beer. The problem is that there are far more styles of beer than there are on the list.

A glass's shape can affect the flavor of beer.

Where I first heard it: Plenty of fancy breweries, especially those Belgians, have a specific glass from which to drink their beer. Duvel leads the way on this — it is actually kind of difficult to buy Duvel without also getting a new glass. I went years actually serving my guests exclusively from Duvel glassware.

The truth: SADLY TRUE. Glassware is one of those things you just want to use to throw drinks back in snobs faces. But dammit if they aren’t right. The foam created by pouring a beer acts can trap science-y stuff from the beer that helps bring out its flavor, and that would otherwise evaporate. And so a glass that promotes a healthy foam head may enhance the retention of this science-y stuff.

The darker the beer, the heavier it is.

The truth: NOT TRUE. Dark-hued beer can be "light" and light hued beer can be "heavy." Anyone who has had any Dogfish Head beer knows this to be true — a few sips of some rich, syrupy craft-brewed IPA and you will swear off eating for a while. I myself confirmed this by comparing Guinness (dark) with a beer from Stone Brewery called IPA Cali-Belgique (not totally light in color, but much lighter than the Guinness). Wine Allergic Girlfriend and I both agreed: The Stone beer was like drinking a slow-motion film; the Guinness felt like water. The can of Guinness I drank clocked in at 125 calories, ten grams of carbohydrates and 4.2 percent alcohol. The Stone Cali-Belgique? 6.2 percent, 25 grams of carbs and a sort of incredible 276 calories.

J

Bottles are better than cans when it comes to storing beer.

The truth: NOT TRUE. Cans are just as good as bottles — and in some cases even better. Sunlight affects beer, similar to how it affects everything else on this planet except for pure evil. Left too long in light, beer can become "skunked," something I don’t remember ever tasting, but I probably have experienced it and was just too afraid to admit it. Skunked beer is the result of a molecule in hops — isohumulones — that breaks down in light, and the broken-down version of isohumulones resembles the stink molecule release by skunks. Glass bottles let in light; cans do not.

As for a fear that cans might impart a metallic flavor — also NOT TRUE for most modern cans. There is a coating apparently that keeps the beer from touching the inner aluminum. (Although that does seem like saying: “To keep this itchy wool off my skin, I have coated my skin in bug spray!”) To test this, I did a blind taste test of two Brooklyn Brewery lagers, one from the can, one from the bottle. W.A.G. poured each into a glass while I wasn’t looking. I tried the beer from each glass and couldn’t tell the difference really.

Myth 3: Guinness has some mysterious health-granting properties.

The truth: SORT OF TRUE. At least the first part is; the breast-feeding thing is disputed. According to the BBC, “A pint of the black stuff a day may work as well as a low dose aspirin to prevent heart clots that raise the risk of heart attacks.” But while “[p]regnant women and nursing mothers were at one stage advised to drink Guinness, the present advice is against this. If you do some irresponsible Google research, you will find lots of varying opinions, of course — something about how much iron is in Guinness. I say: Mariah Carey did it. You’re probably cool.

Myth 4: Trappist beers are made by monks.

The truth: MOSTLY TRUE. Trappist monks are for real, and they do indeed make beer (and have been since the seventeenth century). All Trappist beers fit within the Belgian style — the kind of beer with enough alcohol to make you think that weird monk haircut is a good idea. To be clear, however, just because you buy a Trappist beer doesn't mean you are buying something with a long history. There are currently seven Trappist monasteries authorized to use the Trappist name. The oldest, Westmalle, was founded in 1836; the newest, Achel, was founded in 1998. And until recently, anyone with a shady marketing degree could slap the term "Trappist" on their beer (in a move taken from all those California winemakers who labeled their wine "Burgundy"). The monks sued in 1962 and now retain exclusive rights to the name.

But, and sorry to ruin the image, the monks themselves don’t necessarily make the beer. Orval — another one of the seven — has 32 secular workers. Trappist implies that the beer was made "under control" of the monks, but it doesn’t mean guys who look like Friar Tuck are tending some ancient brewing equipment.

Beer is vegetarian.

The truth: NOT ALWAYS TRUE. Next time you are with some friends drinking some beers, say: “So, do you guys know what isinglass is?” When they say no, you follow up: “Oh, well, it’s just a substance obtained from the dried swim bladders of fish used to filter beer!” And then CHUG your beer and belch and say: “Does that smell like fish?” So, if you follow a strict vegetarian or vegan diet (is there a non-strict vegan diet?), you’ll want to investigate whether your favorite brewery uses isinglass or some other weird animal product in their purification process. Barnivore.com has an exhaustive and well-documented list.

Ales are superior to lagers in terms of flavor and quality.

The truth: NOT TRUE. The same people who taught me the difference between lagers and ales were also the first ones to praise the great German lagers and introduce the concept of a session beer (basically a fancy name for “the beer you drank in high school”). As with most things, you can make shitty versions and you can make great versions.

To test this at home with W.A.G., I bought the fanciest lager I could find, a dark one from Rogue Brewery called Chatoe, and the cheesiest-looking ale I could find, Wachusett Country Ale. You may remember how I feel about labels. Well, the Wachuett Country Ale fits into the “nostalgic small town America” label. Seriously, it looks like ranch dressing.

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell, It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well, ... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emot...ying-i-love-you

ways to show love

1. Nothing says "I love you" more than laughing at your partner's bad jokes, especially if you've heard them a hundred times before. Making your loved one laugh is also a wonderful way of displaying your feelings.

2. Find that special little something that your partner lost or said he or she wanted but could never find. Also, giving your partner a nicely framed photograph of the two of you is a very touching gesture.

3. Do the manly-man or girly-girl thing. Many men say ILY by washing their mate's car and filling it with gas. Taking your man to a game, concert, car show or movie that he really likes is a great way to show that you want to be there for him..

4. Help your partner heal a childhood hurt or loss. Perhaps the most powerful thing you can do is to just listen to his or her story about what happened and follow it up with a big hug.

5. Show up at a business event as the loving spouse. This is all about giving. Staying in a supportive role and praising your mate's efforts to everyone you talk to will make your partner feel uplifted and loved.

6. When you're watching TV, snuggle up close with the one you love. Sitting across the room from each other in separate chairs may feel comfortable to your body, but it isn't fulfilling to your heart.

7. Bedtime cuddling helps sustain a long-term loving connection. If you both need your own space for sleeping, that's fine. Just touch each other for fifteen minutes before you go to your side of the bed. By the way, those who engage in this activity also have healthier sex lives.

8. Go above and beyond. Making a grand gesture every now and then is a wonderful way to show your love. Doing the extraordinary as a couple will help you create cherished memories.

9. Doing something for your mate that he or she hates to do speaks volumes. We all have things in our lives that we dislike doing and when your partner gets the spider out of the bathtub or makes a midnight run so the kids can have milk in the morning, it really says ILY.

10. Being extra considerate on a daily basis works wonders. Saying "please" and "thank you," opening doors, helping your partner put on a coat, or putting a little love note in his or her pocket are a few of the little things that make a big difference.

Perhaps after showing (or being shown) your love in these ways, you will find it easier to speak the words. Just keep in mind that most of us want to hear them

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/19-ways-to-break-up-with-someone/

ways to break up with someone

1. Via text message, because email is way too personal and emotional for you.

2. Throwing a brick through their window with “SORRY” written on it in blood.

3. Not doing anything, and waiting for them to just find out that you’re sleeping with someone else through the grapevine, like a true gentleman and scholar.

4. Hooking up with their sibling.

5. Mass email, so as to leave no stone unturned.

6. Skywriting. And make sure to put the little heart with the arrow through it at the end.

7. Waiting until you’ve hidden all of the good DVDs in the collection for yourself and then breaking the news before they have a chance to raid the apartment.

8. Face-to-face, with respect and maturity, conscient of what the two of you had together — LOL JK

9. By telling the most gossipy friend you have that it’s over, and letting nature run its course.

10. Becoming progressively more of an asshole until they are forced, through frustration and exhaustion, to break up with you. You get to be the good guy!

11. Moving to another state without warning.

12. Cry, and don’t stop crying until they leave the room permanently.

13. Tell them you don’t really get why people like The Wire so much.

14. Over the Jumbotron at their favorite team’s homegame — to be accompanied with that “EVERYBODY DANCE NOW” song.

15. Written in a note that is then baked inside some kind of elaborate chocolate dessert, à la an engagement ring.

16. Throwing all of their clothes out of the window which, I have to say, has always looked awesome.

17. Tell them your company is relocating you and then just… never move.

18. Take them to an expensive restaurant and break up with them over dinner. When they begin to make a scene — and oh, they will — retract your resignation, take them home, and sleep with them one last time. Then end it in the morning because, obviously.

19. Tell them you’re enrolling in a witness protection program and that you can’t get into the details because your very life depends on quietly running away like a little bitch.

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"

The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenya

Kenya (pron.: /ˈkɛnjə/ or /ˈkiːnjə/), officially the Republic of Kenya, is a country in East Africa that lies on the equator. With the Indian Ocean to its south-east, it is bordered by Tanzania to the south, Uganda to the west, South Sudan to the north-west, Ethiopia to the north and Somalia to the north-east. Kenya has a land area of 580,000 km2 and a population of a little over 43 million residents.[2] The country is named after Mount Kenya, a significant landmark and second among Africa's highest mountain peaks. Its capital and largest city is Nairobi.

Modern day Mount Kenya was originally referred to as "Mt. Kirinyaga" by the indigenous people. "Kirinyaga or Kerenyaga, meaning ‘mountain of whiteness’ because of its snow capped peak"; The name was subsequently changed to Mt. Kenya due to the inability of the British to pronounce "Kirinyaga" correctly.[6]
Kenya has a warm and humid climate along its coastline on the Indian Ocean, which changes to wildlife-rich savannah grasslands moving inland towards the capital. Nairobi has a cool climate that gets colder approaching Mount Kenya, which has three permanently snow-capped peaks. The warm and humid tropical climate reappears further inland towards lake Victoria, before giving way to temperate forested and hilly areas in the western region.

The North Eastern regions along the border with Somalia and Ethiopia are arid and semi-arid areas with near-desert landscapes. Lake Victoria, the world's second largest fresh-water lake (after Lake Superior in the US and Canada) and the world's largest tropical lake, is situated to the southwest and is shared with Uganda and Tanzania. Kenya is famous for its safaris and diverse wildlife reserves and national parks such as the East and West Tsavo National Park, the Maasai Mara, Nakuru National Park, and Aberdares National Park. It has several world heritage sites (Lamu) and world renowned beaches such as Kilifi where the international yachting competitions are held each year.
.

European and Arab presence in Mombasa dates to the Early Modern period, but European exploration of the interior began only in the 19th century. The British Empire established the East Africa Protectorate in 1895, known from 1920 as the Kenya Colony. The independent Republic of Kenya was founded in December 1963. Following a referendum in August 2010 and adoption of a new constitution that replaced the old one that was inherited from the British at independence, Kenya is now divided into 47 counties that are interdependent with the National government and conduct their mutual relations on the basis of consultation and cooperation. The counties are governed by elected governors and operate independent of the central government in Nairobi.

The capital, Nairobi, is a regional commercial hub. The economy of Kenya is the largest by GDP in East and Central Africa.[7][8] Agriculture is a major employer and the country traditionally exports tea and coffee, and more recently fresh flowers to Europe. The service industry is a major economic driver. Kenya is a member of the East African Community.

The word Kenya, /ˈkɛnjə/, originates from the Kikuyu, Embu and Kamba names for Mount Kenya, "Kirinyaga", "Kirinyaa" and "Kiinyaa".[citation needed] Prehistoric volcanic eruptions of Mount Kenya (now extinct) may have resulted in its association with divinity and creation among the indigenous Kikuyu-related ethnic groups who are the native inhabitants of the agricultural land surrounding Mount Kenya.

In the 19th century, the German explorer Ludwig Krapf recorded the name as both Kenia and Kegnia believed by some to be a corruption of the Kamba version.[10][11][12] Others say that this was—on the contrary—a very precise notation of a correct African pronunciation /ˈkɛnjə/.[13] A map drawn by Joseph Thompsons, 1882 a Scottish geologist and Naturalist indicated Mt. Kenya as Mt. Kenia, 18620.[9] Controversy over the actual meaning of the word Kenya notwithstanding, it is clear that the mountain's name became widely accepted Pars pro toto as the name of the country.

Kenya has considerable land area devoted to wildlife habitats, including the Masai Mara, where Blue Wildebeest and other bovids participate in a large scale annual migration. Up to 250,000[citation needed] blue wildebeest perish each year in the long and arduous movement to find forage in the dry season.[citation needed] The "Big Five" animals of Africa can be found in Kenya and in the Masai Mara in particular: the lion, leopard, buffalo, rhinoceros and elephant. A significant population of other wild animals, reptiles and birds can be found in the national parks and game reserves in the country. The annual animal migration – especially migration of the wildebeest – occurs between June and September with millions of animals taking part.

Remarkable prehistoric sites in the interior of Kenya include the archaeoastronomical site Namoratunga on the west side of Lake Turkana and the walled settlement of ThimLich Ohinga in Nyanza Province.
Arab traders began frequenting the Kenya coast around the 1st century AD. Kenya's proximity to the Arabian Peninsula invited colonization, and Arab and Persian settlements sprouted along the coast by the 8th century.

The Great Mosque of Kilwa Kisiwani, one of the many mosques built by the Persian founders of the Kilwa Sultanate.
The Kilwa Sultanate was a medieval sultanate, centered at Kilwa in modern-day Tanzania. At its height, its authority stretched over the entire length of the Swahili Coast, including Kenya. It was founded in the 10th century by Ali ibn al-Hassan Shirazi, a Persian Prince of Shiraz.[28] The Persian rulers would go on to build elaborate coral mosques and introduced copper coinage.

During this period, Arabs from southern Arabia settled on the coast. They established many new autonomous city-states, including Mombasa, Malindi and Zanzibar. The Arab migrants also introduced Islam and the Omani dialect of Arabic to the area. This blending of cultures left a notable Arabian influence on the local Bantu Swahili culture and language of the coast.[29] The Arabs built Mombasa into a major port city and established trade links with other nearby city-states, as well as commercial centers in Persia, Arabia, and even India.[30] By the 15th-century, Portuguese voyager Duarte Barbosa claimed that "Mombasa is a place of great traffic and has a good harbour in which there are always moored small craft of many kinds and also great ships, both of which are bound from Sofala and others which come from Cambay and Melinde and others which sail to the island of Zanzibar."

In the centuries preceding colonization, the Swahili coast of Kenya was part of the east African region which traded with the Arab world and India especially for ivory and slaves (the Ameru tribe is said to have originated from slaves escaping from Arab lands sometime around the year 1700). Initially these traders came mainly from Arab states, but later many came from Zanzibar (such as Tippu Tip).[32] Close to 90% of the population on the Kenya coast was enslaved.[33] Swahili, a Bantu language with Arabic, Persian, and other Middle Eastern and South Asian loanwords, later developed as a lingua franca for trade between the different peoples.[25]

Throughout the centuries the Kenyan Coast has played host to many merchants and explorers. Among the cities that line the Kenyan coast is the City of Malindi. It has remained an important Swahili settlement since the 14th century and once rivaled Mombasa for dominance in this part of East Africa. Malindi has traditionally been a friendly port city for foreign powers. In 1414, the Arab Sultan of Malindi initiated diplomatic relations with Ming Dynasty China during the voyages of the explorer Zheng He.[34] Malindi authorities welcomed Portuguese explorer, Vasco da Gama, in 1498.

Britain's possessions in British East Africa during the colonial period.
The colonial history of Kenya dates from the establishment of a German protectorate over the Sultan of Zanzibar's coastal possessions in 1885, followed by the arrival of the Imperial British East Africa Company in 1888. Incipient imperial rivalry was forestalled when Germany handed its coastal holdings to Britain in 1890. This was followed by the building of the Kenya–Uganda railway passing through the country. This was resisted by some tribes — notably the Nandi led by Orkoiyot Koitalel Arap Samoei for ten years from 1890 to 1900 — still the British eventually built the railway. The Nandi were the first tribe to be put in a native reserve to stop them from disrupting the building of the railway. During the railway construction era, there was a significant inflow of Indian peoples, who provided the bulk of the skilled manpower required for construction.

This is soooo boring!

http://www.purple-twinkie.com/FlashMovies/kenya-song.php

Only in Kenya Lions and Tigers - Kenya

we got the lions
only in kenya ,
going to kenya,
we got lions,
we got the tigers,
only in kenya ,
got lions and tigers only in kenya ,
we got norway,
kenya
oh kenya
where the giraffes are
and the zebras
kenya
kenya
kenya
kenya
kenya
we going to kenya
we can't believe it
(free snorkel with every visit)

http://www.ahajokes.com/gb001.html

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Al Gore

Q: Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring? A: He heard that George Bush got a Dick Cheney.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/

http://science.yourdictionary.com/articles/some-interesting-facts-about-uranus.html

Most commonly the word Uranus is pronounced ū·rā′·nəs (said like "your anus", emphasis placed on the second syllable) which always seems to get a giggle. For this reason, most in academia have taken to pronouncing it ūr′·ə·nəs (said like "urine iss", emphasis on the first syllable). Either way is acceptable, but when around children, or those that act like children, the latter pronunciation is a safer bet.

Facts About Uranus?

Uranus is the only planet to be named after a Greek god rather than a Roman one. Uranus was the Greek god of the sky, father of Cronus (Roman name Saturn) and grandfather of Zeus (Roman name Jupiter). Uranus is the seventh planet from the Sun and it is the last planet from the Sun that can be seen without a telescope.

Uranus is one of the four gas giants. The others are Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune.
Neptune and Uranus are called ice giants because they are different from the other gas giants. Their composition is mostly water, ammonia, and methane ice.
The composition of Uranus is similar to Neptune’s with bluish green clouds of methane crystals in its atmosphere.

Lower in the atmosphere are clouds of water and ammonia ice crystals.

There may be an ocean of water with ammonia dissolved in it

The core of the planet is probably rocky.

The composition of the atmosphere is 83% hydrogen, 15% helium, 2% methane, and a small percentage of ethane and other gases.

Uranus is the second least dense planet in the solar system with Saturn being the least dense planet.

Uranus is on average 1,784,860,000 miles from the Sun.

Its orbit takes 30,685 Earth days, which is a bit more than 84 years.

Uranus tilts on its side. It leans so far over that its axis is level with its orbit. Most planets have a tilt of less than 30 degrees. Earth, for example, has a tilt of 23.5 degrees. Uranus is tilted almost 98 degrees making it perpendicular to the ecliptic plane. It is believed that this happened when a massive object struck Uranus when it was forming or soon after it formed.

The length of one day is around 17 hours; but, if you are on one of the poles, a day would last 42 years.

Here is an interesting fact about Uranus that remains unexplained: It is the coldest planet in the solar system.

It is closer to the Sun than Neptune, but it is colder.

Uranus does not have a very hot core that emits infrared radiation like other large planets.

Uranus does not have a very hot core that emits infrared radiation like other large planets.

It absorbs more heat than it gives off because something in the past caused its core to cool down.

The temperature in the atmosphere is around -355 degrees F.
Rings and Moons

There are also some interesting facts about Uranus' rings and moons.

The rings that surround Uranus are very different because they are dark. They are also very narrow, only a few miles wide. They are made of ice and rock and it is surmised that they are very young.

Currently, 27 moons, or satellites, have been discovered around Uranus.
The largest moon one is named Titania and its diameter is half the diameter of our moon. Other moons in our solar system are named after Greek or Roman mythological characters, but most of the moons of Uranus are named after characters from the world of William Shakespeare.

The two moons that are not named as such are Arlel and Umbriel. They are the names of characters in the book The Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope.

Uranus was discovered by William Herschel from Britain in 1781.
Not being discovered until 1791 is a little surprising because it can be seen without a telescope.

In 1690, John Flamsteed thought it was a star in the constellation Taurus. Herschel wanted to name the planet after King George but settled on Uranus.
Most of what we know of Uranus came from Voyager 2 that flew within 50,000 miles of the tops of the clouds in January of 1986. It took a multitude of pictures of it and its moons. There are no plans to send another spacecraft to study it in the near future.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/10-interesting-facts-about-pluto.html

Pluto, the tenth-largest body found to be revolving around the Sun, is the second-largest dwarf planet. Pluto, which was previously a planet, has recently been classified under the members of the Kuiper belt. Pluto is now the largest member of the Kuiper belt region.

There is an interesting story behind the discovery of Pluto. Researchers had been observing a disruption in the orbit of Uranus since a long time. They believed it to be caused by some celestial body other than Neptune. Percival Lowell and William Pickering started researching the subject. They had managed to obtain two images, but they could not predict the position of this planet they thought to exist. Clyde Tombaugh discovered Pluto in 1930. Interestingly, the name 'Pluto' is believed to have been suggested by Venetia Burney, an 11-year-old girl of Oxford, England.

Pluto is composed of rock and ice and has one-fifth the mass of the Earth's moon. Its eccentric nature takes it from 30 to 49 AU from the Sun, thus causing it to occasionally come so close to the Sun, that it surpasses Neptune in its proximity to the Sun.

The orbit of Pluto is highly inclined and strikingly different from the orbits of the other planets. For every three orbits of Neptune around the Sun, Pluto makes two. The two bodies return to their original positions and the cycle of orbiting repeats. Each cycle takes 500 years to complete.

Pluto is composed of rock and ice. It is brownish yellow in color. Its atmosphere is in the form of a thin envelope of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide. As Pluto moves farther from the Sun, its atmosphere freezes and as it moves closer, the ice sublimates to form gas.

Some studies say that if Pluto had been closer to the Sun, it would have been a comet. Being composed of rock and ice, it would not have last long in proximity of the Sun.

Pluto has three natural satellites of its own. Charon was discovered in 1978 while the other two satellites namely, Nix and Hydra were found in 2005. Pluto's moons are exceptionally close to it. Scientists say that the Plutonian system composed of Pluto and its satellites is very compact.

When one of the natural satellites of Pluto passes in front of the Sun, it blocks light to Pluto. This causes an eclipse-like phenomenon on Pluto. An eclipse can occur when the orbital nodes of one of Pluto's satellites aligns with the position of the Sun as seen from Pluto.

According to Western astrology, Pluto is the ruling planet of Scorpio. Pluto is considered to be spending around 21 years in each zodiac sign. Pluto is believed to represent that part of a person, which destroys in order to renew. Pluto is said to govern business, wealth and detective work and is associated with extreme power.

Many consider that Charon revolves around Pluto. However, in reality, Pluto and Charon together orbit a common point in space. The common point around which Pluto and Charon orbit exists above the surface of Pluto. This phenomenon made the astronomers think of classifying Pluto under a binary planet system.

A day on Pluto lasts for 6 days and 9 hours, meaning that it has very less speed of rotation. No spacecraft has yet landed on Pluto. However, in 2016, a spacecraft may land on it. We can hope for 2016 to witness the making of history!

The International Astronomical Union (IAU) declared that Pluto cannot be considered as a planet. Pluto was caught in a controversy. Some thought it wrong to disregard the planetary status of Pluto. Some believed that it did not meet all the criteria of being called a planet and that it should not be called so. The verdict said that Pluto be called a dwarf planet and that's what it is regarded as, today.
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/10-interesting-facts-about-pluto.html

A Denver Broncos fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."

http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Egyptian_gods_and_goddesses

Egyptian gods and goddesses

This is a list of Egyptian gods and goddesses from Egyptian mythology. The ancient Egyptians worshipped many gods at different times and in different places. Some gods changed in importance over time.

Ammut, or Ammit or Ahemait, is the crocodile goddess known as the "Devourer of the Dead". Also known as Ammit the Devourer. Ammut also assists Anubis with carrying out the Judgements

Anput is the wife of Anubis. Anput is the goddess of the seventeenth Nome of Upper Egypt. OKebechetdog head is god of judgement of life and death, the canine god.

Anuket is the goddess of river Nile.

Apophis is the god of chaos and war. He dwells in the Duat. Also known as Apep.

Aten is the god of the sun.

Babi is the god of baboons.

Bast or Bastet is the cat goddess.

Bes is the dwarf god.

Geb is the god of the earth.

Gengen-Wer is the goose god.

Hapi is the god of the Nile.

Hathor is the goddess of love.

Heket is the goddess of frogs.

Horus is the god of war, sky, and falcons. He is the son of Osiris.

Isis is the goddess of magic, marriage, healing, and motherhood. She is the wife and sister of Osiris and the mother of Horus. She is proud and deceives people, she arranged for Ra to be killed, so her son Horus would take the role of king of the gods.

Kebechet the goddess of purification, also is known as the wandering goddess, or the lost child.

Khepri is the god of scarab beetles. (Ra's aspect in the morning).

Khnum is the ram-headed god. (Ra's aspect in the evening).

Khonsu is the god of the Moon.

Ma'at is the goddess of justice and of order.

Mafdet is the god of justice.

Mekhit is the minor lion goddess; married to Onuris.

Nephthys is the river goddess.

Nekhbet is the vulture goddess.

Nut is the goddess of sky and stars.

Osiris is the god of the underworld and the afterlife. Husband and brother of Isis.

Ptah is the god of creation..

Ra is the god of the Sun and king of the gods until Osiris took over his throne. Also known as Amun-Ra and Akmun-Rah.

Sehkmet is the goddess of lions and fire also goddess of vengeance, alter form of Isis.

Serqet is the goddess of scorpions.

Seshat is the goddess of writing and measurement.

Set is the god of deserts, storms, evil, and chaos also later version ruler of the underworld.

Shu is the god of wind and air.
Sobek is the god of crocodiles and alligators.

Tawaret is the hippopotamus goddess, and the goddess of childbirth and fertility.
Thoth is the scribe god and the god of wisdom, also known as Djehuti.
Wadjet is a goddess of protection

Shu is the god of wind and air.

Sobek is the god of crocodiles and alligators.

Tawaret is the hippopotamus goddess, and the goddess of childbirth and fertility.

Thoth is the scribe god and the god of wisdom, also known as Djehuti.

Wadjet is a goddess of protection

http://listverse.com/2008/08/29/15-fascinating-facts-about-ancient-egypt/

1. A Pharaoh never let his hair be seen – he would always wear a crown or a headdress called a nemes (the striped cloth headdress made famous by Tutankhamen’s golden mask (pictured above).

2. In order to deter flies from landing on him, Pepi II of Egypt always kept several naked slaves nearby whose bodies were smeared with honey.

3. Both Egyptian men and women wore makeup – eyepaint was usually green (made from copper) or black (made from lead). The Egyptians believed that the makeup had healing power. Originally the makeup was used as a protection from the sun – rather than for adornment.

4. While the use of antibiotics did not begin in the 20th century, early folk medicine included the use of mouldy foods or soil for infections. In ancient Egypt, for example, infections were treated with mouldy bread.

5. Egyptian children wore no clothing at all until they were in their teens. The temperature in Egypt made it unnecessary. Adult men wore skirts while women wore dresses.

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful,wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?".

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the undertaker through her tears....

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

test

http://www.angelfire.com/md2/meteo/15facts.html

When a meteor produces enough light to cast a shadow on the earth it is called a fireball.

A meteor ia a tiny particle from outerspace that produces light as it enters the earth's atmosphere.

When a fireball explodes in the atmosphere, it is called a bolide.

Meteors, in size, range from a grain of sand to a baseball.

The largest meteors are sometimes broken bits of astroids.

The radiant of the Leonide meteor shower is loacted in the constilation of Leo.

Radiant is the direction or area that the meteor shower comes from.

If the earth passes through a new meteoroid stream recently left by a comet, a shower with a very high meteor rate(a meteor storm) will occur.

In 1833, In the Leonid meteor shower, a meteor storm occured. 10,000 meteor's per hour were reported. 10-15 meteors were sighted per second.

Meteor streams are the particles left by comets in their orbit around the sun.

Meteor showers are created by cosmic debris that enter the earth's atmosphere at very high speeds.

There are about 9 annual meteor showers per year.

Records of meteors and meteor showers date back many years. Native Americans took records of the metoer and meteor showers that they saw in there life time.

On any night, any location, a few meteors can be seen each hour.

When a meteoroid enters the atmophere it creates a metoer, and whats left of the meteor,if anything, falls to the erath and os called a meteorite.

http://www.space.com/15353-meteor-showers-facts-shooting-stars-skywatching-sdcmp.html

Meteor showers to watch out for

Leonids: The brightest and most impressive is the Leonid meteor shower or King of Meteor Showers which can produce a meteor storm that showers the earth with thousands of meteors per minute at its peak. In fact, the term meteor shower was coined after astronomers' observed one of Leonids' most impressive displays in 1833. Leonids most beautiful meteor shower only happens at intervals of approximately 33 years, with the last one lighting the earth's sky in 2002 and is not expected to be repeated until 2028. [Amazing Leonid Meteor Shower Photos]

Perseids: Another shower that is worth keeping awake at night is the Perseid meteor shower, which is associated with the comet Swift-Tuttle. The earth passes through the comet's orbit during the month of August every year. It is not as active as the Leonids, but it is the most widely watched meteor shower of the year, peaking at August 12 with more than 60 meteors per minute.

Orionids: The Orionid meteor shower, as mentioned above, showers the earth with meteors from the Halley's comet which orbits the sun every 75 to 76 years. The Orionids shower happens every October and can last for a week, treating patient observers to a show of 50-70 shooting stars per hour at its peak. Meteor showers are named after the constellations from where the shower appears to be coming from.

The Orionids originate from the mighty Orion constellation while Perseid meteors seem to be coming from the Perseus constellation. Other meteor showers worth watching for are the Quadrantids, Geminids, and Lyrids.

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/global+warming

global warming
an increase in the earth's average atmospheric temperature that causes corresponding changes in climate and that may result from the greenhouse effect.

global warming
an increase in the average temperature worldwide believed to be caused by the greenhouse effect

global warming
by 1983 as the name for overall rising temperatures and attendant consequences as a result of human activity. Originally theoretical, popularized as a reality from 1989.

http://www.globalwarminghysteria.com/ten-myths-of-global-warming/

TEN MYTHS of Global Warming

MYTH 1: Global temperatures are rising at a rapid, unprecedented rate.

FACT: Accurate satellite, balloon and mountain top observations made over the last three decades have not shown any significant change in the long term rate of increase in global temperatures. Average ground station readings do show a mild warming of 0.6 to 0.8Cover the last 100 years, which is well within the natural variations recorded in the last millennium. The ground station network suffers from an uneven distribution across the globe; the stations are preferentially located in growing urban and industrial areas ("heat islands"), which show substantially higher readings than adjacent rural areas ("land use effects").
There has been no catastrophic warming recorded.

MYTH 2: The "hockey stick" graph proves that the earth has experienced a steady, very gradual temperature increase for 1000 years, then recently began a sudden increase.

FACT: Significant changes in climate have continually occurred throughout geologic time. For instance, the Medieval Warm Period, from around 1000 to1200 AD (when the Vikings farmed on Greenland) was followed by a period known as the Little Ice Age. Since the end of the 17th Century the "average global temperature" has been rising at the low steady rate mentioned above; although from 1940 – 1970 temperatures actually dropped, leading to a Global Cooling scare. The "hockey stick", a poster boy of both the UN's IPCC and Canada's Environment Department, ignores historical recorded climatic swings, and has now also been proven to be flawed and statistically unreliable as well. It is a computer construct and a faulty one at that.

MYTH 3: Human produced carbon dioxide has increased over the last 100 years, adding to the Greenhouse effect, thus warming the earth.

FACT: Carbon dioxide levels have indeed changed for various reasons, human and otherwise, just as they have throughout geologic time. Since the beginning of the industrial revolution, the CO2 content of the atmosphere has increased. The RATE of growth during this period has also increased from about 0.2% per year to the present rate of about 0.4% per year,which growth rate has now been constant for the past 25 years. However, there is no proof that CO2 is the main driver of global warming. As measured in ice cores dated over many thousands of years, CO2 levels move up and down AFTER the temperature has done so, and thus are the RESULT OF, NOT THE CAUSE of warming. Geological field work in recent sediments confirms this causal relationship. There is solid evidence that, as temperatures move up and down naturally and cyclically through solar radiation, orbital and galactic influences, the warming surface layers of the earth's oceans expel more CO2 as a result.

MYTH 4: CO2 is the most common greenhouse gas.

FACT: Greenhouse gases form about 3 % of the atmosphere by volume. They consist of varying amounts, (about 97%) of water vapour and clouds, with the remainder being gases like CO2, CH4, Ozone and N2O, of which carbon dioxide is the largest amount. Hence, CO2 constitutes about 0.037% of the atmosphere. While the minor gases are more effective as "greenhouse agents" than water vapour and clouds, the latter are overwhelming the effect by their sheer volume and – in the end – are thought to be responsible for 60% of the "Greenhouse effect". Those attributing climate change to CO2 rarely mention this important fact.

MYTH 5: Computer models verify that CO2 increases will cause significant global warming.

FACT: Computer models can be made to "verify" anything by changing some of the 5 million input parameters or any of a multitude of negative and positive feedbacks in the program used.. They do not "prove" anything. Also, computer models predicting global warming are incapable of properly including the effects of the sun, cosmic rays and the clouds. The sun is a major cause of temperature variation on the earth surface as its received radiation changes all the time, This happens largely in cyclical fashion. The number and the lengths in time of sunspots can be correlated very closely with average temperatures on earth, e.g. the Little Ice Age and the Medieval Warm Period. Varying intensity of solar heat radiation affects the surface temperature of the oceans and the currents. Warmer ocean water expels gases, some of which are CO2. Solar radiation interferes with the cosmic ray flux, thus influencing the amount ionized nuclei which control cloud cover.

MYTH 6: The UN proved that man–made CO2 causes global warming.
FACT: In a 1996 report by the UN on global warming, two statements were deleted from the final draft. Here they are:
1) “None of the studies cited above has shown clear evidence that we can attribute the observed climate changes to increases in greenhouse gases.”
2) “No study to date has positively attributed all or part of the climate change to man–made causes”

To the present day there is still no scientific proof that man-made CO2 causes significant global warming.

MYTH 7: CO2 is a pollutant.

FACT: This is absolutely not true. Nitrogen forms 80% of our atmosphere. We could not live in 100% nitrogen either. Carbon dioxide is no more a pollutant than nitrogen is. CO2 is essential to life on earth. It is necessary for plant growth since increased CO2 intake as a result of increased atmospheric concentration causes many trees and other plants to grow more vigorously. Unfortunately, the Canadian Government has included CO2 with a number of truly toxic and noxious substances listed by the Environmental Protection Act, only as their means to politically control it.

MYTH 8: Global warming will cause more storms and other weather extremes.

FACT: There is no scientific or statistical evidence whatsoever that supports such claims on a global scale. Regional variations may occur. Growing insurance and infrastructure repair costs, particularly in coastal areas, are sometimes claimed to be the result of increasing frequency and severity of storms, whereas in reality they are a function of increasing population density, escalating development value, and ever more media reporting.

MYTH 9: Receding glaciers and the calving of ice shelves are proof of global warming.

FACT: Glaciers have been receding and growing cyclically for hundreds of years. Recent glacier melting is a consequence of coming out of the very cool period of the Little Ice Age. Ice shelves have been breaking off for centuries. Scientists know of at least 33 periods of glaciers growing and then retreating. It’s normal. Besides, glacier's health is dependent as much on precipitation as on temperature.

MYTH 10: The earth’s poles are warming; polar ice caps are breaking up and melting and the sea level rising.

FACT: The earth is variable. The western Arctic may be getting somewhat warmer, due to unrelated cyclic events in the Pacific Ocean, but the Eastern Arctic and Greenland are getting colder. The small Palmer Peninsula of Antarctica is getting warmer, while the main Antarctic continent is actually cooling. Ice thicknesses are increasing both on Greenland and in Antarctica. Sea level monitoring in the Pacific (Tuvalu) and Indian Oceans (Maldives) has shown no sign of any sea level rise.

http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/environment/a/globalwarming.htm

"Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'" --Jay Leno

"Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn't chop down trees to make a book that no one will read." --Conan O'Brien

"According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying than we thought." --Jay Leno

"They say if the warming trend continues, by 2020 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out." --Jay Leno, on global warming

"Al Gore is coming out with a movie about global warming called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' It's described as a detailed scientific view of global warming. President Bush said he just saw a film about global warming, 'Ice Age 2; The Meltdown.' He said, 'It's so much better than that boring Al Gore movie.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House." --Jay Leno

"Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice." --David Letterman

"Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown." --Conan O'Brien

"The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't blame me for that one.'" --Jay Leno

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/19-ways-to-fall-asleep-fast.html

ways to fall asleep fast.

Daytime Sleep Enhancers
Exercise during the day – We all know exercise improves our health, but it also improves our sleep by reducing stress. The caveat, don’t exercise within 3 hours before bedtime. The adrenaline will keep you awake.

Limit beverages that interfere – We all know that caffeine makes it difficult to fall asleep, but we may not be aware that alcohol interferes as well, as does drinking too much water right before bedtime.

Avoid naps – Try not to nap if you possibly can. Sleeping during the day makes it difficult to fall sleep at night. If you absolutely must, limit naps to a power nap of 20 minutes.

Food is a factor – Have a light dinner. Heavy meals may be difficult to digest and indigestion may make it difficult to fall asleep. But don’t go to bed hungry. Hunger keeps you awake. Eat a light snack shortly before bedtime.

Turn off the TV and computer. – This kind of stimulation tells the brain to be alert when it’s supposed to be winding down and has been proven to reduce sleep quality.

Remove the electronics – Shut off the TV and remove computers and other electronic devices from your bedroom. They tempt you to engage in non-restful activities and keep you awake. The bedroom is for sleep, not work and surfing the internet.

Keep cool – You fall asleep faster and sleep better if the bedroom is cooler. A lower room temperature lowers core body temp, and helps you go to sleep. The ideal temperature for sleep is 65 degrees.

Dim the lights – Light, even a small amount interferes with sleep hormones and stimulates the brain. Wear an eye mask if necessary or turn the alarm clock around.

Turn it down – Eliminate noise, or alternatively if you find noise soothing or need to block noise you can’t control, choose calming sounds such white noise or ocean sounds. Wearing earplugs can also help block unwanted noise.

Aromatherapy – Aromatherapy sooths the body and have a calming effect. There are many scents available that can help you to relax and prepare for sleep, vanilla, lavender, marjoram, sandalwood are just a few examples. Use on your pillow, in the air or in the bath.

Same time every day – Start your bedtime routine at the same time each day and maintain a regular sleep time. It helps condition your body to fall asleep faster by creating a sleep habit and setting your circadian rhythm.

Take a warm bath before bedtime. It can help you relax and raising the body temperature, then cooling it in a low temperature room helps you to fall asleep faster.

Herbal tea or a glass of milk also relax the body and help you wind down.

Read an entertaining or boring book. It helps to get your mind of worries and your to-do list. Stay away from stimulating or self-help books though; they rev up your brain.

try yoga or gentle stretching. Do progressive relaxation; tighten each muscle for a count of ten and then release. It will relax your body and minimize muscle aches and pains.

Journal to let go of worry and busy thoughts. Try visualizing soothing images such clouds or a peaceful place; a garden or field or beach, whatever soothes you. It helps quiet the mind and release anxious thoughts.

Get a comfortable, supportive mattress. It’s worth the investment, as you spend one third of your life in bed. Use comfortable soft sheets and comforter. Smooth, quality bedding helps sooth and relax your body to fall asleep faster.

Wear loose, light, cool pajamas. Cotton works best as it minimizes nighttime seating. Alternatively, sleep without pajamas if it makes you more comfortable. Binding or hot PJs make for restless and uncomfortable sleep.

Sleep position matters. Find a comfortable sleep position that supports good sleep posture. Make sure every part of your body is comfortable. Buy a good quality pillow that supports your neck and properly aligns your body. Side positions are usually better, but if back works for you that’s fins. Lie in the same position every night, so your body becomes accustomed to falling asleep in the same way.

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of yours but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her!

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/hudi2/what_is_your_best_i_like_my_menwomen_like_i_like/

I like my women like I like my men; androgynous.

I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

I like my men like I like my soda pop. Sweet, chill, and coming out my nose if I swallow wrong.

I like my women like i like my coffee beans. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across central america.

Or, I like my women like I like my cocaine. Wrapped In plastic and transported illegally across central America.

I like my women like I like my coffee, steaming hot and all over my penis.

I like my women like I like my Reddit, always going down on me.

i like my women like i like my chicken - big breasts, white meat only.

I like my women like I like my coffee: exploitatively exported from a third-world country.

I like my women like I like my fish.
Battered.

I like my women like I like my promotional movie posters: BLUE AND ORANGE.

I like my women like I like promotional movie posters: novel and seemingly worthy of collection, but ultimately they deteriorate and fall off your basement wall.

I like my women like I like my Metal. Slow and heavy.

I like my "I like my _____ like I like my women" jokes like I like my women: self-referential and confusing.

I like my women like I like my tibetian monks: In a red dress and on their knees.

I like my men/women like I like my celery: secretly covered in peanut butter.

"I like my women like I like my coffee: strong, black, and proud." -Stella

I like my men like I like my politicians. With big dicks and willing to share.

I like my women the way I like my coffee: anally

I like my women like I like my ice cream. With a cherry.

I like my women like I like my cheese: American, fat-free, and single.

I like my women like I like my Ideal Gas Law - expressing the product of pressure and volume of a hypothetical ideal gas as proportional to the product of the gas's number of moles and temperature and the gas constant.

I like my women like my third-word nations: undeveloped and willing to do anything for U.S. dollars.

After sex, I like my women like I like my mailbox. Outside of my house!

"I like my women the way I like my eggs, unfertilized."

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."

http://www.paulkavanagh.com/en/Catholic-Jokes.html

Catholic Jokes

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.

A catholic priest and a rabbi find them sitting next to each other on a long journey, and so after some hesitation start to talk to each other. After discussing the weather and the cricket, the priest turns to the rabbi and says that he thought it was rather strange that he was not allowed to eat pork, and asked him whether he ever had.

The rabbi replied, "Well, when I was a small boy, I did in fact taste a small piece of bacon."

"What was it like?" asked the priest.

The rabbi replied: "Not nearly as good as sex."

The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him 50p. The boy looks at the coin and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin".

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. Next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad a pound coin. Once again the lad looks at the coin and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"

"Yes" says the brat, "a tight c*nt."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.

He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."

The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"

"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."

The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."

The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately, I can't say Mass for the poor creature..."

Muldoon said, "I understand, Father, I do. I guess I'll go to this new denomination down the road; no tellin' what they believe... Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!"

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.

They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOU'RE ARSE!"

...The teacher fainted!

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/20-facts-know-pope-francis-161007286--abc-news-topstories.html

Pope Francis facts

1. He's from Buenos Aires, making him the first pope from Latin America.

2. That also makes him the first pope born outside of Europe in more than 1,000 years.

3. He's the first Jesuit pope.

4. He is 76.

5. He chose the name Francis in honor of St. Francis of Assisi, a 13th-century monk known for his charity and kindness to animals.

6. Before his election, he was the archbishop of Buenos Aires.

7. He is known for leading a simple life, eschewing a mansion to live in a Spartan apartment.

8. He rode mass transit in Argentina, and chose to take a minivan with the other cardinals after he was elected pope rather than ride in a special sedan.

9. He cooks his own meals.

10. In his youth, he enjoyed dancing the tango with a girlfriend before discovering a "religious vocation."

11. He trained as a chemist.

12. He is one of five children and his parents were from Italy.

13. He has been criticized for not speaking out against Argentina's military dictatorship in the 1970s and 1980s.

14. He slammed other Latin American priests who objected to the baptizing of children born out of wedlock.

15. He was critical of Argentina's decision to legalize same-sex marriage, calling it "a destructive attack on God's plan." He also opposes gay people's adopting children.

16. In 2001, he washed the feet of 12 patients with AIDS at an Argentine hospice.

17. He speaks three languages: Spanish, Italian and German.

18. He had a lung removed as a teenager, after an infection.

19. He is rumored to have been the runner-up in 2005, losing that papal election to Benedict XVI.

20. After being elected pope, he remained standing on the same level as the cardinal-electors rather than sitting in a throne.

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_james_bond_films

James Bond is a fictional character created by novelist Ian Fleming in 1953. Bond is a British secret agent working for MI6 who also answers by his codename, 007. He has been portrayed on film by actors Sean Connery, David Niven, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig, in twenty-five productions. Only two films were not made by company Eon Productions. Eon now currently holds the full adaptation rights to all of Fleming's Bond novels.

James Bond films

Dr. No
John Strangways, the British Intelligence (SIS) Station Chief in Jamaica, is killed. In response, British agent James Bond—also known as 007—is sent to Jamaica to investigate the circumstances. During his investigation Bond meets Quarrel, a Cayman fisherman, who had been working with Strangways around the nearby islands to collect mineral samples. One of the islands was Crab Key, home to the reclusive Dr. No.

Bond visits the island, where he meets a local shell diver, Honey Ryder. The three are attacked by No's men, who kill Quarrel using a flame-throwing armoured tractor; Bond and Honey are taken prisoner. Dr. No informs them he is a member of SPECTRE, the SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion, and he plans to disrupt the Project Mercury space launch from Cape Canaveral with his atomic-powered radio beam. Bond and Honey escape from the island, killing No and blowing up his lair in the process.

From Russia with Love
SPECTRE's expert planner Kronsteen devises a plot to steal a Lektor cryptographic device from the Soviets and sell it back to them while exacting revenge on Bond for killing their agent Dr. No; ex-SMERSH operative Rosa Klebb is in charge of the mission. She recruits Donald "Red" Grant as an assassin and Tatiana Romanova, a cipher clerk at the Soviet consulate in Istanbul, as the unwitting bait.
Bond travels to Turkey and meets with Ali Kerim Bey, the MI6 officer in Turkey. Between them, they obtain the Lektor, and the three escape with the device on the Orient Express. However, they are followed by Grant, who kills Kerim Bey and a Soviet security officer. Grant pretends to be another British agent and meets Bond. Over dinner Grant drugs Romanova, then overcomes Bond. Bond tricks Grant into opening Bond's attaché case in the manner that detonates its tear gas booby trap, allowing Bond to attack and kill him. Bond and Romanova escape with the Lektor to Venice. Rosa Klebb, disguised as a hotel maid, attempts to steal the Lektor and kill Bond, but ends up being shot by Romanova.

Goldfinger
Bond is ordered to observe bullion dealer Auric Goldfinger: he sees Goldfinger cheating at cards and stops him by distracting his employee, who is subsequently killed by Goldfinger's Korean manservant Oddjob. Bond is then instructed to investigate Goldfinger's gold smuggling and he follows the dealer to Switzerland. Bond is captured when he reconnoitres Goldfinger's plant and is drugged; he is taken to Goldfinger's Kentucky stud farm and is imprisoned. He escapes briefly to witness Goldfinger's meeting with U.S. mafiosi, who have brought the materials he needs for an operation to rob Fort Knox.
Bond is recaptured after hearing the details of the operation, but he subsequently seduces Pussy Galore, Goldfinger's private pilot and convinces her to inform the American authorities. Goldfinger's private army break into Fort Knox and access the vault, where Bond fights and kills Oddjob, while US troops battle with Goldfinger's army outside. Bond's plane is hijacked by Goldfinger, but Bond struggles with him, and shoots out a window, creating an explosive decompression, killing Goldfinger.

Thunderball
Bond investigates the hijacking of an Avro Vulcan loaded with two atomic bombs, which had been taken by SPECTRE. The organisation demands a ransom for the return of the plane and bombs. Bond follows a lead to the Bahamas, where he meets up with his CIA counterpart and friend Felix Leiter. The pair suspect a rich playboy, Emilio Largo, and search the area around his boat and then the area where they think his boat may have travelled. After finding the plane—but without the nuclear devices on board—the two agents arrange for it to be tracked and ambushed once the bombs are being moved by Largo.

You Only Live Twice
007 is sent to Japan to investigate the hijacking of an American spacecraft by an unidentified spacecraft. Upon his arrival, Bond is contacted by Aki, assistant to the Japanese secret service leader Tiger Tanaka. Bond established that the mastermind behind the hijacking is Ernst Stavro Blofeld and SPECTRE and follows the trail to Blofeld's island headquarters.

Tanaka's ninja troops attack the island, while Bond manages to distract Blofeld and create a diversion which allows him to open the hatch, letting in the ninjas. During the battle, Osato is killed by Blofeld, who activates the base's self-destruct system and escapes. Bond, Kissy, Tanaka, and the surviving ninjas escape through the cave tunnel before it explodes, and are rescued by submarine.
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On Her Majesty's Secret Service (
While searching for Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the head of SPECTRE, Bond saves Tracy di Vicenzo on the beach from committing suicide by drowning, and later meets her again in a casino. Bond then receives information from Marc-Ange Draco, the head of the European crime syndicate Unione Corse and Tracy's father, about Blofeld's Swiss solicitor. Bond breaks into the solicitors office and establishes Blofeld is corresponding with the London College of Arms. Posing as an emissary of the college, Bond meets Blofeld, who has established a clinical allergy-research institute atop Piz Gloria in the Swiss Alps. Bond soon establishes that Blofeld is brainwashing his patients to distribute bacteriological warfare agents throughout various parts of the world.

Bond escapes from the clinic after Blofeld identifies him as the British agent. Bond arranges a raid on the clinic using men from Draco's organisation. The raid is a success, although Blofeld escapes. Bond marries Tracy, but she is murdered shortly afterwards by Irma Bunt, Blofeld's partner.

Diamonds Are Forever
Bond is tasked with investigating a major diamond smuggling ring which begins in Africa and runs through Holland and the UK to the USA. Disguised as professional smuggler and murderer Peter Franks, Bond travels to Amsterdam to meet contact Tiffany Case: he is given the diamonds and travels on to the US, where he is met by Felix Leiter. Bond moves through the chain, which leads to the Whyte House, a casino-hotel owned by the reclusive billionaire Willard Whyte.
Bond's follows the diamonds to a pick-up by Bert Saxby, Whyte's head of security, and then onto a research laboratory owned by Whyte, where he finds that a satellite is being built by a laser refraction specialist, Professor Dr. Metz. Suspecting Whyte, Bond tries to confront him, but instead meets Blofeld, who captures the agent and explains to him that the satellite can blow up nuclear missiles. Blofeld admits that he intends to auction it to the highest bidder. Bond escapes and frees the captive Whyte and they establish that Blofeld is using an offshore oil rig as his base. Bond attacks the rig, stopping Blofeld's operation and dispersing his organisation.

Live and Let Die
James Bond is sent to investigate the murder of three British MI6 agents, all of whom have been killed within 24 hours. He discovers the victims were all separately investigating the operations of Dr. Kananga, the dictator of a small Caribbean island, San Monique. He also establishes that Kananga also acts as Mr. Big, a ruthless and cunning gangster.

Upon visiting San Monique, Bond determines the Kananga is producing two tons of heroin and is protecting the poppy fields by exploiting locals' fear of voodoo and the occult. Through his alter ego, Mr. Big, Kananga plans to distribute the heroin free of charge at his Fillet of Soul restaurants, which will increase the number of addicts. Bond is captured by Kananga, but he escapes, killing Kananga and destroying the poppy crop.

The Spy Who Loved Me
Bond is tasked with investigating the disappearance of British and Soviet ballistic missile submarines and the subsequent offer to sell a submarine tracking system. Bond works alongside Major Anya Amasova of the KGB. The pair track the plans across Egypt and identify the person responsible for the thefts as shipping tycoon, scientist and anarchist Karl Stromberg.

Bond and Amasova follow a suspicious tanker owned by Stromberg and establish it is responsible for the missing submarines; the submarine in which they are travelling is also captured by Stromberg. Stromberg plans to destroy Moscow and New York, triggering nuclear war: he planned to then establish a new civilisation. Bond escapes, freeing the submariners captured from the other submarines and follows Stromberg to his headquarters, which he destroys, killing the tycoon in the process.

Moonraker
A Drax Industries Moonraker space shuttle on loan is hijacked and Bond is ordered to investigate. Bond meets the owner of the company, Hugo Drax and one of Drax's scientists, Dr. Holly Goodhead. Bond follows the trail to Venice, where he establishes that Drax is manufacturing a nerve gas deadly to humans, but harmless to animals. Bond again meets Goodhead and determines that she is a CIA agent.

Bond travels to the Amazon looking for Drax's research facility, where he is captured. He and Goodhead pose as pilots on one of six space shuttles being sent by Drax to a hidden space station. There Bond finds out that Drax plans to destroy all human life by launching fifty globes containing the toxin into the Earth's atmosphere. Bond and Goodhead disable the radar jammer hiding the station from Earth and the US sends a platoon of Marines in a military shuttle. During the battle, Bond kills Drax and his station is destroyed.

For Your Eyes Only (
After a British spy boat sinks, a marine archaeologist, Sir Timothy Havelock, is tasked to retrieve its Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator (ATAC) communication system before the Russians do. After Havelock is murdered by Gonzales, a Cuban hit-man, Bond is ordered to find out who hired Gonzales. While investigating, Bond is captured, but Gonzales is subsequently killed by Havelock's daughter and she and Bond escape. Bond identifies one of those present with Gonzales as Emile Leopold Locque and so follows a lead to Italy and meets his contact, Luigi Ferrara, and a well-connected Greek businessman and intelligence informant, Aris Kristatos. Kristatos tells Bond that Locque is employed by Milos Columbo, Kristatos' former organised crime partner.
After Ferrara is murdered—and the evidence points to Columbo—Bond is captured by men working for Columbo. Columbo then explains that Locque was actually hired by Kristatos, who is working for the KGB to retrieve the ATAC. Bond and Melina recover the ATAC but are captured by Kristatos. They escape and follow Kristatos to Greece, where he is killed and the ATAC is destroyed by Bond.

Octopussy
Bond investigates the murder of 009, killed in East Berlin while dressed as a circus clown and carrying a fake Fabergé egg. An identical egg appears at auction and Bond establishes the buyer, exiled Afghan prince, Kamal Khan is working with Orlov, a renegade Soviet general, who is seeking to expand Soviet borders into Europe. Bond meets Octopussy, a wealthy woman who leads the Octopus cult. Bond finds out that Orlov has been supplying Khan with priceless Soviet treasures, replacing them with replicas, while Khan has been smuggling the real versions into the West, via Octopussy's circus troupe.

Bond infiltrates the circus, and finds that Orlov replaced the Soviet treasures with a nuclear warhead, primed to explode at a US Air Force base in West Germany. The explosion would trigger Europe into seeking disarmament, in the belief that the bomb was a US one that detonated by accident, leaving its borders open to Soviet invasion. Bond deactivates the warhead and then returns to India, leading an assault on Khan's palace.

A View to a Kill
Bond investigates millionaire industrialist Max Zorin, who is trying to corner the world market in microchips. He establishes that Zorin was previously trained and financed by the KGB, but has now gone rogue. Zorin unveils to a group of investors his plan to destroy Silicon Valley which will give him a monopoly in the manufacturing of microchips.

Bond uncovers Zorin's plan is to detonate explosives beneath the lakes along the Hayward and San Andreas faults, which will cause them to flood. A larger bomb is also on site in the mine to destroy a "geological lock" that prevents the two faults from moving at the same time. Bond destroys the bombs, and subsequently kills Zorin.

The Living Daylights
Bond aids the defection of KGB officer General Georgi Koskov, by wounding a female KGB sniper, Kara Milovy, a cellist. During his debriefing Koskov alleges KGB's old policy of Smert Spionam, meaning Death to Spies, has been revived by General Leonid Pushkin, the new head of the KGB. Koskov is subsequently abducted from the safe-house and Bond is ordered to kill Pushkin.
Bond tracks down Milovy and establishes she is Koskov's girlfriend and that the defection was staged. He subsequently finds out that Koskov is a friend of the arms dealer Brad Whitaker. After meeting Pushkin and faking his assassination by Bond, Bond investigates a scheme by Koskov and Whitaker to embezzle KGB funds and use them to purchase diamonds, which they then use to purchase drugs. After Koskov purchases the drugs, Bond destroys them. Koskov is subsequently arrested by Pushkin, while Bond kills Whitaker.

Licence to Kill
Bond aids Felix Leiter in the capture of drugs lord Franz Sanchez; Sanchez escapes and maims Leiter, killing his wife. Bond swears revenge, but is ordered to return to duty by M. Bond refuses, and M revokes his licence to kill, causing Bond to become a rogue agent; although officially stripped of his status, he is unofficially given help by Q.

Bond journeys to Sanchez's home in the Republic of Isthmus and is taken onto Sanchez's staff, where he manages to raise Sanchez's suspicions against a number of his employees. When Bond is taken to Sanchez's main base and drugs refinery, he is recognised by one of Sanchez's men and captured. He escapes, destroying the refinery in the process, and pursues Sanchez, killing him.

GoldenEye
In 1986, Bond and Alec Trevelyan—agent 006—infiltrate an illicit Soviet chemical weapons facility and plant explosive charges. Trevelyan is shot, but Bond escapes from the facility as it explodes. Nine years later, Bond witnesses the theft by criminal organisation Janus of a prototype Eurocopter Tiger helicopter that can withstand an electromagnetic pulse. Janus uses the helicopter to steal the control disk for the dual GoldenEye satellite weapons, using the GoldenEye to destroy the complex with an electromagnetic pulse; there is one survivor of the attack, a programmer, Natalya Simonova.

Bond investigates the attack and travels to Russia where he locates Simonova and learns that Trevelyan, who had faked his own death, was the head of Janus. Simonova tracks computer traffic to Cuba and she and Bond travel there and locate Trevelyan, who reveals his plan to steal money from the Bank of England before erasing all of its financial records with the GoldenEye, concealing the theft and destroying Britain's economy. Bond and Simonova destroy the satellite facility, killing Trevelyan and Grishenko in the process.

Tomorrow Never Dies
Bond investigates the sinking of a British warship in Chinese waters, the theft of one of the ship's cruise missiles—and the shooting down of a Chinese fighter plane. He uncovers a link to media mogul Elliot Carver which suggests that Carver had purchased a GPS encoder on the black market.

Bond encounters Chinese agent Wai Lin, who is also investigating the matter and the two agree to work together. They discover that Carver had used the GPS encoder to push the British ship off course and into Chinese waters in order to incite a war for ratings. With the British fleet on their way to China, Bond and Wai Lin find Carver's stealth ship, board it and prevent the firing of a British cruise missile at Beijing. They blow a hole in the ship, exposing it to radar, leading to its sinking averting war between Britain and China.

The World Is Not Enough
Bond recovers money for Sir Robert King, a British oil tycoon and friend of M, but the money is booby-trapped and kills King shortly afterwards. Bond traces the money to Renard, a KGB agent-turned-terrorist, who had previously kidnapped King's daughter Elektra. MI6 believes that Renard is targeting Elektra King a second time and Bond is assigned to protect her: the pair are subsequently attacked.

Bond visits Valentin Zukovsky and is informed that Elektra's head of security, Davidov, is in league with Renard: Bond kills Davidov and follows the trail to a Russian ICBM base in Kazakhstan. Posing as a Russian nuclear scientist, Bond meets American nuclear physicist Christmas Jones. The two witness Renard stealing the GPS locator card and a half quantity of weapons-grade plutonium from a bomb and set off an explosion, from which Bond and Jones escape. Elektra kidnaps M after she thinks Bond had been killed and Bond establishes that Elektra intends to create a nuclear explosion in a submarine in Istanbul in order to increase the value of her own oil pipeline. Bond frees M, kills Elektra and then disarms the bomb on the submarine and kills Renard.

Die Another Day
Bond investigates North Korean Colonel Tan-Sun Moon, who is illegally trading African conflict diamonds for weaponry. Moon is apparently killed and Bond is captured and tortured for 14 months, after which he is exchanged for Zao, Moon's assistant. Despite being suspended on his return, he decides to complete his mission and tracks down Zao to a gene therapy clinic, where patients can have their appearances altered through DNA restructuring. Zao escapes, but the trail leads to British billionaire Gustav Graves.

Graves unveils a mirror satellite, "Icarus", which is able to focus solar energy on a small area and provide year-round sunshine for crop development. Bond discovers Moon has also undergone the gene therapy and has assumed the identity of Graves. Bond then exposes Moon's plan: to use the Icarus to cut a path through the Korean Demilitarized Zone with concentrated sunlight, allowing North Korean troops to invade South Korea and reunite the countries through force. Bond disables the Icarus controls, kills Moon and stops the invasion.

Casino Royale
A reboot of the series, with Bond winning his 00 status in the pre-credits sequence. Bond is instructed to investigate the funding of terrorism. He tracks down and kills a bomb-maker and takes his mobile phone. Searching through the phone, Bond discovers a text message which he traces to Alex Dimitrios, and then on to financer Le Chiffre. Le Chiffre's investments involve short-selling stock in successful companies and then engineering terrorist attacks to sink their share prices. Bond foils Le Chiffre's plan to destroy the prototype Skyfleet airliner, which forces Le Chiffre to set up a high-stakes poker tournament at the Casino Royale to recoup his fortune. Bond is instructed to beat le Chiffre and is aided by a member of HM Treasury, Vesper Lynd.

Bond beats Le Chiffre at the poker table, but Lynd is kidnapped by Le Chiffre after the game, as is Bond, who is captured whilst pursuing them; Lynd is ransomed for the money and Bond is tortured. Le Chiffre is subsequently killed by Mr. White, a liaison between Le Chiffre and a number of his clients. Bond learns that his poker winnings were never repaid to the Treasury, which Lynd as supposed to have done, and Bond establishes that she was a double agent. Bond pursues her and is attacked by members of White's organisation: he survives, but White takes the money and Lynd is killed. Bond subsequently finds and captures White.

Quantum of Solace
Along with M, Bond interrogates Mr. White regarding his organisation, Quantum. M's bodyguard, Mitchell, a double agent, attacks M, enabling White to escape. Bond traces the organisation to Haiti and a connection to environmentalist Dominic Greene.

Bond uncovers a plot between Greene and an exiled Bolivian General, Medrano, to put Medrano in power in Bolivia while Quantum are given a monopoly to run the water supply to the country. Bond ascertains Quantum are damming Bolivia's supply of fresh water in order to force the price up. Bond attacks the hotel where Greene and Medrano are finalising their plans and leaves Greene stranded in the desert with only a tin of engine oil to drink. Bond then finds Vesper Lynd's former lover and member of Quantum, Yusef Kabira.

Skyfall
After an operation in Istanbul ends in disaster, Bond is missing and presumed to be dead. In the aftermath, questions are raised over M's ability to run the Secret Service, and she becomes the subject of a government review over her handling of the situation. The service itself is attacked and Bond returns to London, where he establishes a connection with the French mercenary Patrice, and then on to an ex-MI6 operative, Raoul Silva. Silva pursues his vendetta against M, while Bond takes her to his old ancestral home. They are attacked by Silva, but overcome the attackers, although M is mortally wounded in the attack.

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have qualified for disability, too."

http://mentalfloss.com/article/32001/10-other-doomsday-predictions-were-not-correct

Doomsday

1. 1284. When the Pope decrees something, people tend to listen. And they did, in 1213, when Pope Innocent III wrote that “the end of this beast is approaching, whose number, according to the Revelation of Saint John, will end in 666 years, of which already nearly 600 have passed."

2. February 20, 1524. German scholar Johannes Stöffler was better at math and astronomy than he was at predicting the apocalypse. His calculations concluded that Noah had the right idea when he built that ark, because a flood of epic proportions was going to engulf Earth on February 20, 1524. People panicked when a light rain did begin to fall on that day, but it amounted to nothing but puddles.

3. Between March 21, 1843, and March 21, 1844. In 1822, Baptist preacher William Miller vaguely stated that he believed the “second coming of Jesus Christ is near, even at the door, even within twenty-one years - on or before 1843,” based on his interpretations of the book of Daniel. As he shared his views, he developed a rather large group of followers, cleverly dubbed “Millerites.” Though reluctant, Miller eventually set a more precise set of dates at the urging of his followers: namely, the 365 days between March 21, 1843, and March 21, 1844.

4. April 18, 1844. Miller based this one on a different Jewish calendar, saying he had miscalculated a bit. Guess what? The world didn’t end. Though Miller’s followers were becoming a tad bit skeptical, he sustained them for a few more months by stating that the rapture had started - they were just experiencing a period of time called “tarrying,” which was kind of like sitting in the waiting room before you go in to see the doctor. Finally, Miller analyzed his calculations one more time, coming up with...

5. October 22, 1844. And that’s when the vast majority of Miller’s followers abandoned him, experiencing “the Great Disappointment.” People were so angry and disappointed that Millerite churches were burned to the ground, some followers were tarred and feathered, and one group was attacked by a mob wielding knives and clubs.

6. 1910, with the appearance of Halley’s Comet. French astronomer Camille Flammarion predicted that a seven-tailed comet was coming to Earth, and gas from the comet’s tail would “impregnate” the Earth’s atmosphere, setting it and all of its inhabitants ablaze in a fiery explosion.

7. 1981 (-ish). Back in 1978, pastor Chuck Smith determined that “the generation of 1948 is the last generation,” but also admitted that he “could be wrong.” Turns out he was.

8. March 10, 1982. That was the day the Jupiter Effect was going to happen - when major planets would align on one side of the sun, causing nature to go nuts. A massive earthquake at the San Andreas fault was going to totally obliterate L.A. When the date came and went with nothing but high tides being a teeny bit higher than usual, the man who generated all of the hype, Dr. John Gribbin, published a book called The Jupiter Effect Reconsidered. By 1999, Gribbin was renouncing his theory entirely, saying “I’m sorry I ever had anything to do with it.”

9. September 11, 12 or 13, 1988. Edgar Whisenant, a former NASA engineer, was so sure about his calculated date that he wrote a book called 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will be in 1988 and boldly stated, “Only if the Bible is in error am I wrong.” When he was, in fact, wrong, he published The final shout: Rapture Report 1989, followed by the less-certain 23 reasons why a pre-tribulation rapture looks like it will occur on Rosh-Hashanah 1993 and And now the earth's destruction by fire, nuclear bomb fire.

10. October 28, 1992. A Korean group known as Mission for the Coming Days was so adamant in their belief that the world would end just before Halloween in 1992 that they spent money to warn people in the U.S. via billboards, posters and other advertising.

http://www.imdb.com/list/XDqlKLgnB0A/

Disaster and Doomsday movies

2012 (2009)
5.8/10
An epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors. (158 mins.)
Director: Roland Emmerich
Stars: John Cusack, Thandie Newton, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Amanda Peet

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
6.3/10
Jack Hall, paleoclimatologist for NORAD, must make a daring trek across America to reach his son, trapped in the cross-hairs of a sudden international storm which plunges the planet into a new Ice Age. (124 mins.)

28 Weeks Later (2007)
7.0/10
Six months after the rage virus was inflicted on the population of Great Britain, the US Army helps to secure a small area of London for the survivors to repopulate and start again. But not everything goes to plan. (100 mins.)
Director: Juan Carlos Fresnadillo
Stars: Jeremy Renner, Rose Byrne, Robert Carlyle, Harold Perrineau

War of the Worlds (2005)
6.5/10
As Earth is invaded by alien tripod fighting machines, one family fights for survival. (116 mins.)
Director: Steven Spielberg
Stars: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Tim Robbins, Miranda Otto

I Am Legend (2007)
7.1/10
Years after a plague kills most of humanity and transforms the rest into monsters, the sole survivor in New York City struggles valiantly to find a cure. (101 mins.)
Director: Francis Lawrence
Stars: Will Smith, Alice Braga, Charlie Tahan, Salli Richardson-Whitfield

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)
5.4/10
A remake of the 1951 classic sci-fi film about an alien visitor and his giant robot counterpart who visit Earth. (104 mins.)
Director: Scott Derrickson
Stars: Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates, Jaden Smith

Doomsday (2008)
6.0/10
A futuristic action thriller where a team of people work to prevent a disaster threatening the future of the human race. (108 mins.)
Director: Neil Marshall
Stars: Rhona Mitra, Bob Hoskins, Alexander Siddig, Caryn Peterson

The Road (2009)
7.3/10
A post-apocalyptic tale of a man and his son trying to survive by any means possible. (111 mins.)
Director: John Hillcoat
Stars: Viggo Mortensen, Charlize Theron, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Robert Duvall

The Book of Eli (2010)
6.8/10
A post-apocalyptic tale, in which a lone man fights his way across America in order to protect a sacred book that holds the secrets to saving humankind. (118 mins.)
Director: The Hughes Brothers, The Hughes Brothers
Stars: Denzel Washington, Mila Kunis, Ray Stevenson, Gary Oldman

The Horde (2009)
5.8/10
An end of the world battle between gangsters, cops and zombies. (90 mins.)
Director: Yannick Dahan, Benjamin Rocher
Stars: Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins, Eriq Ebouaney, Aurélien Recoing

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)
6.2/10
Survivors of the Raccoon City catastrophe travel across the Nevada desert, hoping to make it to Alaska. Alice joins the caravan and their fight against the evil Umbrella Corp. (94 mins.)
Director: Russell Mulcahy
Stars: Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Oded Fehr, Iain Glen

A Boy wanted to have sex with his girlfriend. But she was refusing all the time. So he went to see his friend and asked him what to do about it. His friend had a brilliant plan. He said: "Next time you meet her under the tree behind your home. I will be up in the tree waiting for you. If she refuses again you ask God in the heaven whether you can have sex with her or not. And I will give the right answer to you and her."

The days went by and one Saturday afternoon he met his girlfriend again. They both went to that tree and he asked her to have sex. She refused. So he said to her: "And, my dear, if I ask God in heaven, would you follow his advise?" "Yes, I would" she said. So he asked: "Father in heaven can I have sex with my girlfriend?" And the voice from heaven said: "OK my friend, go ahead!" And so they had sex the first time.

But the boy asked his friend to do him this favour every week, and he did. But the last time when he asked God in heaven, the father answered: "My dear friend below, step aside and let your father in heaven have a go!"

http://www.holidayinsights.com/moreholidays/april.htm

Plan Your Epitaph Day

When : Always April 6th

Plan Your Epitaph Day is a day is a little bit morbid for my liking. My first thought was who would create this day? And, why? I don't want to think about it, let alone plan it.

Sorry Charlie Day

When : Always on April 6th

Have you ever been rejected? For anything? Sure you have! We all have. Sorry Charlie Day is for all of us who have been spurned, and yet somehow survived it.

Take a minute today and reflect upon a past dejection. Then, smile with he realization that "_ _ it happens....to all of us!"

Caramel Popcorn Day

When : Always April 7th

Caramel Popcorn Day is an opportunity to enjoy the combination of two great treats - Caramel and Popcorn. This tasty, chewy treat is hard to beat. Caramel popcorn is readily found in popcorn tins and specialty shops.

No Housework Day

When : Always April 7th

No Housework Day is your chance to do anything, except housework. Better still, have someone else do the chores for a day. Housework is a daily, seemingly endless and repetitive groups of tasks. It often goes unrecognized and worst of all..... taken for granted. But, watch out! If the dishes aren't done, or there's no clean towels, somebody takes note.

All is Ours Day

When : Always April 8th

All is Ours Day is is bound to be a spectacular day for...... us.

Think of the concept. Imagine the possibilities. The creator of this day was absolutely brilliant. What a great day this will be.

The creator of this day was absolutely brilliant. Let's dissect the meaning and intent of this great day. We will do so by examining the title of this day, word for word. It begins with the word "all". For such a little word, it's all-inclusive. From a possessive standpoint, therefore, we are talking about anything and everything we want.. The verb "is" is sort, sweet and definite. It leaves no room for doubt or question.

Name Yourself Day

When : Always April 9th

Name Yourself Day is your chance to give yourself whatever name you'd like...for a day. If you like your name, then change your name for just today. If you don't like your name, use today to select a new name for life!

Winston Churchill Day

When : Always April 9th

Winston Churchill Day celebrates the day he was made an honorary US citizen. On this day in 1963, Winston Churchill became the very first person to become an honorary citizen. He was given this honor posthumously. There have only been 6 people (two are a married couple who received it jointly) to be accorded this stature.

National Sibling Day

When : Always April 10th

National Sibling Day is a day to appreciate and cherish your brothers and sisters. Siblings are truly a special blessing that we probably all too often take for granted. They are often our best friends and supporters through life. Another reason to celebrate is that not everyone is lucky enough to have siblings. Their lives are significantly different growing up, and throughout life.

Submarine Day

When : Always April 17th or March 17th

Submarine Day.... does it celebrate the submersible boat, or the big hero sandwich? Most everywhere you find documentation on this day, it hails today as a day to celebrate the submarine boat. And, we would celebrate this event on April 17th, as the U.S. Submarine Force was established on this date in 1900.

Enjoy Submarine Day by watching movies featuring them. Or, read a book about submarines. If you live near a naval museum, take a drive to see a submarine today, and if allowed, go aboard.

Russian Cosmonaut Day

When: always on April 12.

Russian astronaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space on April 12, 1961 aboard Vostok 1. He spent 108 minutes in space. This day was decreed by the USSR's Supreme Council on April 9th, 1962.

This flight marked the beginning of the space race. While Russia (then the USSR), put the first man in space, The United States went on to be the first to put a man on the moon.

Scrabble Day

When : Always April 13th

Scrabble Day celebrates the popular board game. It's been popular around the world ever since. People young and old enjoy this game.

Scrabble was created in 1938 by Alfred Mosher Butts. It is sold by Hasbro, Inc.

Look Up at the Sky Day

When : Always April 14th

Look Up at the Sky Day is a fun day to check out what's up there. 'Ya never know what might be going on up there. An asteroid or meteor may be on it's way. A solar eclipse could be on display. A flock of geese or birds may be over head (you may need to duck for cover). Or, the clouds may be forming into interesting characters and patterns.

Take a few minutes out from your busy day to look up at the sky today. If nothing else, the break from the routine will be relaxing.

Reach as High as You Can Day

When : Always April 14th

Reach as High as You Can Day is a day to expand your horizons. And, it truely will be an uplifting experience. Today, there are no limits. You can literally reach for the sky.

Patriot's Day

When : Third Monday in April

Some people know little or nothing about Patriot's Day. To New Englander's, it is a big, big day. In the states in New England, it's a holiday with a day off of work. Banks, schools, post offices, and businesses have the day off.

National Eggs Benedict Day

When : Always April 16th

National Eggs Benedict Day is a day to enjoy eggs with hollandaise sauce, canadian bacon and english muffins.

Blah, Blah, Blah Day

When : Always April 17th

Blah, Blah, Blah Day just might be the blah-est day of the year. The intent of this day is to do all of the projects and things that people have been nagging you to do. This may include quitting a habit, losing weight, or working on home projects. The "Honey Do" list or job jar is a top target for today.

National High Five Day

When : Third Saturday in April

Gimme a high five. As a matter of fact, give everyone you see a High Five!

The "High Five" is a celebratory slapping of hands atop raised arms. It's been a standard for celebration of sporting victories, special event, competitions and many other activities for decades.

National Garlic Day

When : Always April 19th

National Garlic Day promotes the many uses of Garlic. And, there certainly are many uses. It's a vegetable. Its' a herb. It is used in recipes around the world. Garlic has ben used medicinally for thousands of years. And, Garlic is believed to ward off evil spirits. A

Kindergarten Day

When : Always April 21st

It's Kindergarten Day. The first day at Kindergarten is a memorable, exciting, nervous, and anxious time for mother and child. Most children and mothers will never forget the first day at Kindergarten. Hopefully, it was a good experience for all!

National Jelly Bean Day

When : Always April 22and

National Jelly Bean Day is a time to enjoy gobs and gobs of jelly beans. Anyone who loves jelly beans, knows they are not just for Easter. Sure, they are very popular at Easter. But, they are also enjoyed year round. The flavors are limited only by the imagination of candy makers. If you've never enjoyed the multitude of flavors in a box of gourmet jelly beans, the we suggest you head right out to the store and buy some

Lover's Day

When : Always April 23rd

It's Lover's Day, another day for romance and perhaps...marriage!?

When you're in love, everyday is Lover's Day. Sometimes however, shy and timid people need a little incentive to express their love or to take a "leap". Valentine's Day is one such opportunity. Lover's Day is yet another chance at love.

Some people plan their weddings on Lover's Day. It certainly is an appropriate date.

Take a Chance Day

When : Always April 23rd

If you are a gambler, you will just love this day. Today is "Take a Chance Day". This sounds pretty risky (but fun) to me........

Take Your Daughter to Work Day 2012

Date of Take Your Daughter to Work Day: Fourth Thursday of April

Acting on research that showed adolescent girls received less attention than boys, this day was initiated in 1993 by the Ms. Foundation for Women. The intention was to give girls additional direct attention and an insight into work world opportunities available to them. It was to serve the multiple purpose of increased self esteem for young girls as well as give them some ideas of the wealth of careers in the world. Thirdly, it allowed them more one-on-one time with mom or dad.

Hug an Australian Day

When : Always April 26th

It's Hug an Australian Day. Go ahead and give a big bear hug to any and all Australians today. Show an Australian how much you (errr...we) love them.

National Prime Rib Day
When : Always April 27th

National Prime Rib Day gets your mouth watering, and starts you drooling. Many of us look to this day on the calendar to enjoy one of America's favorite steaks.

Kiss Your Mate Day

When : Always April 28th

Kiss Your Mate Day is a perfect chance to smooch with your partner. As if you need an opportunity to share a kiss or two with the one you love. With spring in th air, April is an appropriate time for Kiss Your Mate Day.

National Shrimp Scampi Day

When : Always April 29th

National Shrimp Scampi Day is your opportunity to eat and enjoy a great meal...or snack.

National Honesty Day

When : Always April 30th

National Honesty Day encourages us to be honest today, and everyday. We honestly believe you try your best to be honest.

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_book

A comic book or comicbook,also called comic magazine or simply comic, is a publication of comics art in the form of sequential juxtaposed panels that represent individual scenes. Panels are often accompanied by brief descriptive prose and written narrative, usually dialog contained in word balloons emblematic of the comics art form. The first comic book appeared in the United States in 1933 and was a reprinting of earlier newspaper comic strips which had established many of the story-telling devices used in comics. The term comic book arose because the first comic book reprinted humor comic strips.

Since the introduction of the comic book format in 1933 with the publication of Famous Funnies, the United States has produced the most titles, along with British comics and Japanese manga, in terms of quantity of titles.[citation needed]
Cultural historians divide the career of the comic book in the U.S. into several ages or historical eras Comic book historians continue to debate the exact boundaries of these eras, but they have come to an agreement, the terms for which originated in the fan press. Comics as a print medium have existed in America since the printing of The Adventures of Obadiah Oldbuck in 1842 in hardcover—making it the first known American prototype comic book.

The introduction of Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster's Superman in 1938 turned comic books into a major industry, and is the start of the Golden Age of comics. Historians have proposed several names for the Age before Superman, most commonly dubbing it the Platinum Age. While the Platinum Age saw the first use of the term "comic book" (The Yellow Kid in McFadden's Flats (1897)), the first known full-color comic (The Blackberries (1901)), and the first monthly comic book (Comics Monthly (1922)), it was not until the Golden Age that the archetype of the superhero would originate.

The Silver Age of comic books is generally considered to date from the first successful revival of the dormant superhero form—the debut of Robert Kanigher and Carmine Infantino's Flash in Showcase No. 4 (September/October 1956). The Silver Age lasted through the late 1960s or early 1970s, during which time Marvel Comics revolutionized the medium with such naturalistic superheroes as Stan Lee and Jack Kirby's Fantastic Four and Stan Lee and Steve Ditko's Spider-Man.

The precise beginnings of the Bronze and Copper Ages remain less well-defined. Suggested starting points for the Bronze Age of comics include Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith's Conan No. 1 (October 1970), Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams' Green Lantern/Green Arrow No. 76 (April 1970), or Stan Lee and Gil Kane's The Amazing Spider-Man No. 96 (May 1971; the non-Comics Code issue). The start of the Copper Age (apprx. 1984–2000) has even more potential starting points, but is generally agreed to be the publication of Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns and Alan Moore's Watchmen by DC Comics in 1986, as well as the publication of DC's Crisis on Infinite Earths, written by Marv Wolfman with pencils by George Pérez.

A notable event in the history of the American comic book came with the psychiatrist Fredric Wertham's criticisms of the medium in his book Seduction of the Innocent (1954), which prompted the American Senate Subcommittee on Juvenile Delinquency to investigate comic books. In response to attention from the government and from the media, the U.S. comic book industry set up the Comics Code Authority in 1954 and drafted the "Comics Code" in the same year.

In the late 1960s and early 1970s a surge of creativity emerged in what became known as underground comics. Published and distributed independently of the established comics industry, most of such comics reflected the youth counterculture and drug culture of the time. Many had an uninhibited, often irreverent style; their frank depictions of nudity, sex, profanity, and politics had no parallel outside their precursors, the pornographic and even more obscure "Tijuana bibles". Underground comics were almost never sold at news stands, but rather in such youth-oriented outlets as head shops and record stores, as well as by mail order

The rise of comic book specialty stores in the late 1970s created/paralleled a dedicated market for "independent" or "alternative comics" in the U.S. The first such comics included the anthology series Star Reach, published by comic-book writer Mike Friedrich from 1974 to 1979, and Harvey Pekar's American Splendor, which continued sporadic publication into the 21st century and which Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini adapted into a 2003 film. Some independent comics continued in the tradition of underground comics, though their content generally remained less explicit; others resembled the output of mainstream publishers in format and genre but were published by smaller artist-owned companies or by single artists. A

In 1971, writer-artist Gil Kane and collaborators devised the paperback "comics novel" Blackmark. Will Eisner popularized the term "graphic novel" when he used it on the cover of the paperback edition of his work A Contract with God, and Other Tenement Stories in 1978.

Some rare comic books include copies of the unreleased Motion Picture Funnies Weekly No. 1 from 1939. Eight copies, plus one without a cover, emerged in the estate of the deceased publisher in 1974. The "Pay Copy" of this book sold for $43,125 in a 2005 Heritage auction.The most valuable American comics have combined rarity and quality with the first appearances of popular and enduring characters. Four comic books to have sold for over $1 million USD as of December 2010, including two examples of Action Comics No. 1, the first appearance of Superman,[10][11] both sold privately through online dealer ComicConnect.com in 2010, and Detective Comics No. 27, the first appearance of Batman, via public auction.

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/comic-books

“I don't remember when exactly I read my first comic book, but I do remember exactly how liberated and subversive I felt as a result.”
― Edward W. Said, Palestine

“You can make your superhero a psychopath, you can draw gut-splattering violence, and you can call it a "graphic novel," but comic books are still incredibly stupid.”
― Bill Watterson

“Nowadays I’m really cranky about comics. Because most of them are just really, really poorly written soft-core. And I miss good old storytelling. And you know what else I miss? Super powers. Why is it now that everybody’s like “I can reverse the polarity of your ions!” Like in one big flash everybody’s Doctor Strange. I like the guys that can stick to walls and change into sand and stuff. I don’t understand anything anymore. And all the girls are wearing nothing, and they all look like they have implants. Well, I sound like a very old man, and a cranky one, but it’s true.”
― Joss Whedon

“I am not a fan of the magical quick fix in any fiction, including fantasy, scifi and comic books. Unless Dr. Who is involved, and then only because we get to use the phrase 'Timey-wimey wibbliness' which, I'm sure you'll agree, there are not enough occasions to drop into ordinary adult conversation.”
― Chris Dee

“Badly drawn, badly written and badly printed - a strain on young eyes and young nervous systems - the effect of these pulp-paper nightmares is that of a violent stimulant. Their crude blacks and reds spoil the child's natural sense of color; their hypodermic injection of sex and murder makes the child impatient with better, though quieter, stories. Unless we want a coming generation even more ferocious than the present one, parents and teachers throughout America must band together to break the 'comic' magazines.

But the antidote to the 'comic' magazine poison can be found in any library or good bookstore. The parent who does not acquire that antidote for his child is guilty of criminal negligence.”
― Sterling North

“Because that’s what a comic is, ultimately: a collection of pages. It’s not a flatpanel or a touchscreen, even though that’s where it might eventually be displayed. It’s a page.”
― John Heffernan

Comic Book Guy: I have no time to converse with you, I must be first to register my disgust on the internet regarding the new McBane film. The action was dismal and the nudity was frustratingly fleeting. I barely got going.

Bart Simpson: Quick, to the Fatmobile!

[laughs]
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I suppose. But must we call it that?

[watching a green Homer being taken down by the cops]
Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk... I'M the Hulk!

[rips his shirt open, growls, and tries to change into the Hulk]
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.

Stan Lee: Come on, dammit, change!
[continues to growl and signs]

Stan Lee: Ah, forget it.
[goes back to growling]

Stan Lee: I really did it once.

Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.

[they go back inside and Stan Lee starts growling again]
Comic Book Guy: Almost had it there.

Kent Brockman: Excuse me, did you see the six o'clock news?

Comic Book Guy: No, I get my news from the internet, like a normal person under seventy. Farewell, dinosaur.

Comic Book Guy: I adore Edna. She's near mint and comes from a very limited edition - females who will talk to me.

Comic Book Guy: You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries

Comic Book Guy: I've spent my entire life doing nothing but collecting comic books... and now there's only time to say... LIFE WELL SPENT!

Bart Simpson: Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.

President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, "Mr. President... Bill... since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, we'd like for you to throw out the first pitch."

President Clinton say excitedly, "SURE, I'D LOVE TOO... SOUUUIIEEEE!"

So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd and the crowd applauds.

Bill does the Presidential wave thing...and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. "SOUUUUIIEEEE". The crowd goes WILD!

George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, "That was just FANTASTIC...but I said 'throw out the first PITCH

Eggs

http://www.backyardchickens.com/a/interesting-facts-about-chicken-eggs

A broody hen of any breed can be used to hatch eggs and raise chicks from other hens of any breeds.

A broody will sit on any eggs, whether or not they are fertile and regardless of who laid them. To gather a suitable clutch of eggs, she will not only lay her own eggs but may roll other hens’ eggs into her nest.

While a hen is brooding, you can remove daily any extra eggs she gathers into her clutch. Drawing pencil “equator” lines around the eggs you want her to brood will help with identification.

A setting hen will usually leave the nest at least once a day to eat, drink, and defecate. The eggs are not in danger of cooling off too much during a normal foray into the coop or run.

Typically, chicken eggs hatch about 21 days from the beginning of incubation or nesting by a broody hen. A few days early or late is not unusual, and some breeds lean toward earlier or later hatches.

Not all fertile eggs will develop into embryos. Some never develop due to egg deficiencies or temperature fluctuations.

Not all chick embryos will successfully hatch. They can die any time before hatching, even after pipping a hole in the egg. Double yolk eggs rarely hatch due to crowding during embryo development.

If a broody hen has pushed an egg out of the nest, she probably knows something is not right with that egg or embryo.

A normal fresh egg has a yellow yolk, a layer of thick albumen (egg white) surrounding the yolk, and a thinner layer of albumen surrounding that.
At opposite sides of the yolk are two chalazae, short white twisted strands of albumen that anchor the yolk to the white. A large chalaza does not indicate embryo development.

Every egg yolk has a white disc called a blastoderm. It is usually visible but may be very pale. In an infertile egg, the blastoderm is solid white. In a fertile egg, the disc has a faint or distinct ring that makes it look like a donut or bulls-eye.
Fertile eggs are completely edible. In fact, some people consider fertile eggs more nutritious than infertile eggs, but scientific research does not confirm this.
Fresh fertile eggs collected daily will not have embryos in them. Embryos do not begin to develop unless the eggs are in a favorable warm environment under a broody hen or in an artificial incubator.

Fertile eggs are completely edible. In fact, some people consider fertile eggs more nutritious than infertile eggs, but scientific research does not confirm this.
Fresh fertile eggs collected daily will not have embryos in them. Embryos do not begin to develop unless the eggs are in a favorable warm environment under a broody hen or in an artificial incubator.

Fresh fertile eggs collected daily will not have embryos in them. Embryos do not begin to develop unless the eggs are in a favorable warm environment under a broody hen or in an artificial incubator.

The yolk of a chicken egg may be any shade from pale yellow to orange, depending on what the hen has eaten. The color is usually consistent if hens are fed only one type of feed, but foraging hens and those fed kitchen scraps will often produce a variety of yolk colors.

The egg yolk or egg white may have red or brown specks in it. These “blood spots” and “meat spots” are harmless bits of tissue and are allowed in commercial Grade B eggs. If they look unappealing, the spots can be removed with a spoon or knife before cooking.

An eggshell has a protective coating that prevents bacteria from entering the egg. To retain this coating, eggs should not be washed until just before use.
Some eggs are soiled with blood from minor tissue damage or mud or feces from the nest box. This can be wiped off carefully; the shell should be thoroughly dried.
If you aren’t sure how old an egg is, you can submerge it in water. The freshest eggs will remain at the bottom of the container, while old eggs will float. Floaters should either be discarded or opened far from your nose.

Rocks

http://jersey.uoregon.edu/~mstrick/AskGeoMan/geoQuerry13.html

Igneous rocks are crystalline solids which cool from magma: the liquid phase of solid rock. Magmas occur at depth in the crust, and are said to exist in "magma chambers," a rather loose term indicating an area where the temperature is great enough to melt the rock, and the pressure is low enough to allow the material to expand and exist in the liquid state. Many different types of igneous rocks can be produced. The key factors to use in determining which rock you have are the rock's texture and composition.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_rock_types

Andesite - an Intermediate volcanic rock
Anorthosite - an intrusive igneous felsic rock composed predominantly of plagioclase
Aplite - a very fine grained intrusive igneous rock
Basalt - a volcanic rock of mafic composition
Adakite - a class of basaltic rocks containing low yttrium and ytterbium
Hawaiite - a class of basalts formed from ocean island (hot spot) magmatism.
Basanite - a volcanic rock of mafic composition; essentially a silica undersaturated basalt

Boninite - a high-magnesian basalt dominated by pyroxene
Carbonatite - a rare igneous rock composed of >50% carbonate minerals
Charnockite - a type of granite containing pyroxene
Enderbite - a variety of charnockite
Dacite - a felsic to intermediate volcanic rock with high iron content

Diabase or dolerite - an intrusive mafic rock forming dykes or sills
Diorite - a coarse grained intermediate plutonic rock composed of plagioclase, pyroxene and/or amphibole
Dunite - a phaneritic ultramafic rock composed of more than 90% olivine, usually forsteritic
Essexite - a silica undersaturated mafic plutonic rock (essentially a foid-bearing gabbro)
Foidolite - a plutonic igneous rock composed of >90% feldspathoid minerals

Gabbro - a coarse grained plutonic rock composed of pyroxene and plagioclase basically equivalent to basalt
Granite - a coarse grained plutonic rock composed of orthoclase, plagioclase and quartz
Granodiorite - a granitic plutonic rock with plagioclase > orthoclase
Granophyre - a subvolcanic intrusive rock of granitic composition
Harzburgite - a variety of peridotite; an ultramafic cumulate rock
Hornblendite - a mafic or ultramafic cumulate rock dominated by >90% hornblende

Hyaloclastite - a volcanic rock composed primarily of glasses and glassy tuff
Icelandite - a volcanic rock
Ignimbrite - a fragmental volcanic rock
Ijolite - a very rare silica-undersaturated plutonic rock
Kimberlite - a rare ultramafic, ultrapotassic volcanic rock and a source of diamonds
Komatiite - an ancient ultramafic volcanic rock
Lamproite - an ultrapotassic volcanic rock
Lamprophyre - an ultramafic, ultrapotassic intrusive rock dominated by mafic phenocrysts in a feldspar groundmass

Latite - a silica undersaturated form of andesite
Lherzolite - an ultramafic rock, essentially a peridotite
Monzogranite - a silica undersaturated granite with <5% normative quartz
Monzonite - a plutonic rock with <5% normative quartz
Nepheline syenite - a silica undersaturated plutonic rock with nepheline replacing orthoclase
Nephelinite - a silica undersaturated plutonic rock with >90% nepheline
Norite - a hypersthene bearing gabbro
Obsidian - a type of volcanic glass

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

segregation
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segregation

Geographical segregation exists whenever the proportions of population rates of two or more populations are not homogenous throughout a defined space. Populations can be considered any plant or animal species, human genders, followers of a certain religion, people of different nationalities, stone types, ethnic groups, etc. In social geography segregation of ethnic groups, social classes and genders is often measured by the calculation of indices such as the index of dissimilarity. Different dimensions of segregation (or its contrary) are recognised: exposure, evenness, clustering, concentration, centralisation, etc

Segregation, as a broad concept, has appeared in all parts of the world where people exist—in different contexts and times it takes on different forms, shaped by the physical and human environments. The spatial concentration of population groups is not a new phenomenon. Since societies began to form there have been segregated inhabitants. Either segregated purposefully by force, or gradually over time, segregation was based on socio-economic, religious, educational, linguistic or ethnic grounds. Some groups choose to be segregated to strengthen social identity.

Segregation can be caused by legal frameworks, such as in the extreme example of apartheid in South Africa, and even Jewish ghettoization in Germany in the 20th century. Segregation can also happen slowly, stimulated by increased land and housing prices in certain neighborhoods, resulting in segregation of rich and poor in many urban cities. Segregation can also be assigned arbitrarily. This can occur on a global scale, such as is seen in the Partition of India, instances in Ireland, and many other situations. Geographical boundaries were often put in place without much consideration for native peoples and natural geographic terrain and cultural limits that had long been in place.

In apartheid South Africa, segregation was very much a legal concept. Enforced by the government, africans were discriminated against, and forced to comply with apartheid. Some of the legislation passed dealt with physical segregation in schools, land tenure, geographic segregation and state repression. These were very clearly legislative, but also in the case of most white south africans, a social construct as well

Segregation can also be encouraged, using geographical boundaries, while not explicitly enforced. Public housing projects, especially in the UNITED STATES, have been criticized for this. Putting cheap housing in poor black neighborhoods encouraged local African-Americans to stay in the area, keeping other richer areas white by not building public housing there. This has been changing in the last ten years

Segregation can also be caused by social factors that become evident as they happen, but are not necessarily government sanctioned. This could be things like informal ghettos, or simply rich neighborhoods. In terms of land capital, over time in a given area, humans will settle down and buy or take land. Some privileged people will acquire better land (that is, more arable, proximate to potential capital, more pleasing views). Demand for these nicer habitats drives up prices, and areas deemed “better” based solely on geography become inherently exclusionary in their population makeup.

West Point Grey, an area of Vancouver Canada, is in part rich because of the views offered of Downtown Vancouver, the Gulf Islands, and it’s location near the water and University of British Columbia. Wealthy people had the resources to pay for advantages, and subsequently drove up prices. Examples of this can be seen all over the world. Geographical segregation is not defined by the sightline of places, though. It also occurs around certain structures, or simply in areas that are specifically developed with an income bracket in mind.[

Another segregation term, the ghetto, has been used in many different contexts over time, generally meaning any physical part of a city predominantly occupied by any particular group of people. It implies that the group may be looked down upon and segregated purposefully. This does not mean that all ghettos are built up communities and buildings specifically for a segregation purpose, although many are. In the case of the United States, segregation of the African-American community was to a degree due to white flight out of the cities, than forcing African-Americans to live in the downtown cores

Gated communities could be seen as a combination of both legal frameworks and social conventions regarding segregation. A gated community today is a controlled neighborhood, inhabited by people with common interests, such as safety, or class separation, but not necessarily of the same ethnicity or religion—it is distinct from an international community (in most cases).[9] Gated communities are very controversial, as they can be seen as encouraging distinction and separation, and therefore superiority from those who do not live with the gates community

Voluntary segregation is almost as common an occurrence as involuntary segregation is. Often, immigrants coming to a new and foreign country will band together for mutual benefit, and to keep a sense of community in the new country. These can be called ethnic enclaves and can be formed by any community or people group.[10] Some well-known groups are Chinatowns, Little Italys and barrios. These localized phenomena also come in the form of ethnoburbs, which are essentially the same concept as an ethnic enclave, but specifically located in suburbs, rather than the traditional downtowns, where Chinatowns and Little Italys are usually based.

In Particle Segregation particulate solids tend to segregate by virtue of differences in the size, density, shape and other properties of particles of which they are composed. The process of segregation occurs during as well as during subsequent handling of completed mix and it is pronounced with free flowing powders. Powders that are not free flowing or that exhibit high forces of cohesion or adhesion between particles of similar or dissimilar composition are often difficult to mix owing to agglomeration. The clumps of particles can be broken down in such cases by the use of mixtures that generate high shear forces or that subject the powder to impact. When these powders have been mixed, however, they are less susceptible to segregation because of the relatively high interparticulates forces that resist interparticulate motion leading to unmixing.

Racial segregation is separation of humans into racial groups in daily life. It may apply to activities such as eating in a restaurant, drinking from a water fountain, using a public toilet, attending school, going to the movies, or in the rental or purchase of a home. Segregation itself is defined by the European Commission against Racism and Intolerance as "the act by which a (natural or legal) person separates other persons on the basis of one of the enumerated grounds without an objective and reasonable justification, in conformity with the proposed definition of discrimination. As a result, the voluntary act of separating oneself from other persons on the basis of one of the enumerated grounds does not constitute segregation". According to the UN Forum on Minority Issues, "The creation and development of classes and schools providing education in minority languages should not be considered impermissible segregation, if the assignment to such classes and schools is of a voluntary nature".
Racial segregation is generally outlawed, but may exist through social norms, even when there is no strong individual preference for it.

Residential segregation is the physical separation of two or more groups into different neighborhoods, or a form of segregation that "sorts population groups into various neighborhood contexts and shapes the living environment at the neighborhood level." While it has traditionally been associated with racial segregation, it generally refers to any kind of sorting based on some criteria populations (e.g. race, ethnicity, income).
While overt segregation is illegal in the United States, housing patterns show significant and persistent segregation for certain races and income groups

Security segregation, in the context of the securities industry, refers to regulatory rules requiring that customer assets held by a financial institution (generally a brokerage firm) be held separate from assets of the brokerage firm itself.

In taxonomy, a segregate, or a segregate taxon is created when a taxon is split off from another taxon. This other taxon will be better known, usually bigger, and will continue to exist, even after the segregate taxon has been split off. A segregate will be either new or ephemeral: there is a tendency for taxonomists to disagree on segregates, and later workers often reunite a segregate with the 'mother' taxon.

Sex segregation is the physical, legal, and cultural separation of people according to their biological sex. This is distinct from gender segregation, which is the separation of people according to social constructions of what it means to be male versus female. For a more detailed distinction on the division between the two, see sex and gender distinction. This article focuses specifically on sex segregation.
In certain circumstances, sex segregation is controversial. Some critics contend that it is a violation of capabilities and human rights and can create economic inefficiencies, while some supporters argue that it is central to certain religious laws and social and cultural histories and traditions.

Islam discourages free mixing between men and women, especially when alone, but not all forms of interaction. The intention of all restrictions is to keep interaction at a modest level. They may, for instance, socialize in order to know each other as ordained by God in the Quran (Surah al-Hujurat), as long as there is no obscenity, touching, secret meetings or flirting, according to the general rules of interaction between the genders.There is no evidence from the Quran or Hadith that enforces the segregation of sexes.In fact, there is actually evidence of the opposite. Notable Canadian scholar Sheikh Ahmad Kutty has said segregation of the sexes is not a requirement in Islam, as men and women used to interact during Muhammed's time without any partitions

Segregated cycle facilities are a form of cycling infrastructure consisting of marked lanes, tracks, shoulders and paths designated for use by cyclists and from which motorised traffic is generally excluded. The term includes bike lanes, cycle tracks, separated bike lanes, road shoulders and side paths located within a road right-of-way

Segregation in materials refers to the enrichment of a material constituent at a free surface or an internal interface of a material. In a polycrystalline solid, a segregation site can be a dislocation, grain boundary, stacking fault, or an interface with a precipitate or secondary phase within the solid. There are two recognized types of segregation: equilibrium segregation and non-equilibrium segregation.

Trail segregation, the practice of designating certain trails as having a specific preferred or exclusive use, is increasingly common and diverse. For example, segregated cycle facilities, for bicycles, are used not only on roads open to motor vehicles, but also in trail systems open to other trail users. Some trails are segregated for use by both equestrians and mountain bikes, or by equestrians only, or by mountain bikes only. Designated "wilderness area" trails may be segregated for non-wheeled use

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

http://www.kissthisguy.com/funny.php

misheard lyrics

Robert Palmer: Addicted To Love
Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove.

Abba: Dancing Queen
See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen

Queen: Bohemian Rhapsody
The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeeeeee....

Traditional: We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Now bring us some friggin' pudding

Madonna: Like a Virgin
Like a virgin touched for the thirty-first time.

Bee Gees: Stayin' Alive
Steak and a Knife, Steak and a Knife

OneRepublic: Apologize
It's too late to order fries

Bee Gees: More Than A Woman
Bald-headed woman... bald-headed woman to me

Fifth Dimension: Aquarius
This is the dawning of the Age of Asparugus, Asparugus

Mudvayne: Dull Boy
All work and no play makes me a dough boy

Toto: Africa
There's nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do.

Starship: We Built This City
We built this city on logs and coal

R.E.M.: Losing My Religion
Let's pee in the corner, Let's pee in the spotlight.

Rolling Stones: Beast Of Burden
I'll never leave your pizza burnin'.

National Anthems: Oh Canada
Oh Canada, we stand on cars and freeze...

Metallica: Fuel
give me two, give me five, give me a dollar fifty five!

Elvis Presley: Hound Dog
You ain't never pornographic and you ain't no friend of mine

Alice Cooper: Poison
I wanna love you but your hips are a little bit pointed

Black Eyed Peas: Boom Boom Pow
Gotta Kit-Kat Gotta Kit-Kat Gotta Kit-Kat Gotta Kit-Kat Kat ...

Starship: We Built This City
My pony plays the mamba

Black Eyed Peas: Boom Boom Pow
Text the ladies extra longer

J. Geils Band: Centerfold
My anus is the center hole

Bryan Adams: Summer Of '69
Got my first real sex dream, I was 5 at the time. Played it...

Jimi Hendrix: Purple Haze
'Scuse me, while I kiss this guy.

Nirvana: Smells Like Teen Spirit
Here we are now in containers

Paul McCartney: Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey
"Lid oh lid oh be a gypsy, get around (get around), Get you...

Creedence Clearwater Revival: Bad Moon Rising
There's a bathroom on the right

The Five Keys: Ling Ting Tong
I went to Chinatown 'way back in old Hong Kong To get some E...

Nine Inch Nails: Closer
I want a duck shaped like a triangle You give a toaster to B...

Bon Jovi: Living On A Prayer
It doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not.

Til Tuesday: Voices Carry
Oh Josh, you went downtown, was it scary?

Spin Doctors: Little Miss Can't Be Wrong
Little miss Little miss candy draws

Elton John: Rocket Man
Rocket man burning up his shoes with aerosol.

Manfred Mann's Earth Band: Blinded by the Light
Wrapped up like a douche

Another rumour in the night
Kenny Loggins: I'm Alright
Ham on rye...

Thompson Twins: Hold Me Now
Hold Me Now (In Your Loving Arms) Oh, Hold My Heart (My Gold...

Pearl Jam: Jeremy
They're on me Spalding! Cassady!

Supremes: You Can't Hurry Love
Cranberry love, no you just have to wait...

Moody Blues: Question
To learn as we grow old The secrets of arseholes.

Tom Jones: She's A Lady
"She's got style, she's got grace, she's a wiener.."

Elvis Costello: New Lace Sleeves
No more Facebook When are they gonna learn their lesson

Ray Jr. Parker: Ghostbusters
Who ya gonna call? Those bastards!

Cee Lo Green: Forget You
And though Hussein's in my church, I still wish him the best...

Toni Basil: Hey Mickey
Cause when you see your Wii...

Spin Doctors: Two Princes
I ain't got no future or family tree, but I know what a pris...

Allan Sherman: Camp Granada
"I went hiking with Joe Spivy; He developed poison ivy. ...

Dan Hill: Sometimes When We Touch
...I'd rather hurt you honestly Then see you wilt and die An...

Fifth Dimension: Aquarius
The angel aquarium

Van McCoy: Do the Hustle
Tuna hotdog!

Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby
Rollin in my 5.0 With my laptop pills So my hair can blow

Bob Dylan: Blowin' In The Wind
The ants are my friends,
they're blowin' in the wind

...
Ohio Players: Love Rollercoaster
Curly mustache of love

U2: Mysterious Ways
Shamu the mysterious whale

Toto: Africa
I left my brains down in Africa

Hot Chocolate: I Believe in Miracles
I Remove Umbilicals

Duran Duran: Hungry Like The Wolf
I smell like a Cow, I'm Lost and I'm Found.

Patty Smyth: Sometimes love just ain't enough
Do you feel me beside you in your bed? There's a statue wher...

Hymns: Hark The Herald Angels Sing
Peace on earth and mercy mild
Goddamn sinners reconciled

Traditional: Winter Wonderland
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he i...

Green Day: Jaded
Somebody take my pants I think I'm falling out

Gwen Stefani: Holla Back Girl
I ain't no Harlem black girl

Christopher Cross: Never Be The Same
Alleluia

Monkees: Pleasant Valley Sunday
"...another Pleasant Valley Sunday, here in status in Boull...

Kate Bush: Wuthering Heights
Eeee-wheee! It's me; I'm a tree, I'm a wombat. Oh, so cold a...

Bee Gees: More Than A Woman
Norman's a woman, Norman's a woman to me

Martin Page: In the House of Stone and Light
lump of poop in my eye

Carly Simon: You're So Vain
Wife's in to clothespins

Pink Floyd: Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2
We don't need no sex vacation

Billy Idol: Eyes Without A Face
You have a fat arse

Pat Benatar: Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Come on and hit me with a rickshaw.

Sophie B. Hawkins: As I Lay Me Down
As I lay me down to sleep (in background): "Who likes hot do...

Static-X: Cold
Cold Risotto, we want. Some

Prince: Little Red Corvette
Leave it, Colette. Baby, you're much too fast.

Van Halen: Sinner's Swing
Get, get, get, get a lotta push

Will Smith: Gettin' Jiggy Wit It
Kick a chicken with it

Monkees: (Theme From) The Monkees
"Here we come, walking down the street, we get the funniest ...

Pat Boone: Speedy Gonzales
Hey, Rosita - come quick - down at the cantina they're putt..

Nickelback: How You Remind Me
Cause Little Women must have damn near killed you

Maroon 5: Moves Like Jagger
I got the moobs like Jabba

Starship: We Built This City
We built this city on the wrong damn road.

Gary Wright: Dream Weaver
James Weaver I believe you can get me through the night Jame...

Bruno Mars: It Will Rain
There'll be no Christmas if I lose you, baby.

Eagles: Desperado
You've been outright offensive, for so long now...

One Direction: one thing
Shout meow at the sky You're my crib tonight You keep makin...

Bee Gees: Too Much Heaven
It's much harder to Caramba I'm waiting in line

Billy Joel: You May Be Right
You made the rice, I made the gravy, But it just may be some...

Alanis Morissette: You Oughta Know
It's not fair to deny me of the cross-eyed bear that you gav...

Boston: More Than A Feeling
Morgan Freeman

Bryan Adams: Summer Of '69
Standing on your mother's corpse, You told me that you'd wai...

Van Halen: Panama
Reached down between my legs and squeezed my seed bag.

John Denver: Country Roads
West Virginia, Mount yer Momma,

Jimmy Eat World: Sweetness
If you like salmon, (Whoa,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh)

Pearl Jam: Even Flow
Even Flow, it's a lot like buttered rice

Cutting Crew: (I Just) Died in Your Arms
I just dined in your arms tonight Mustard with some kind of ...

Blue Oyster Cult: The Revenge of Vera Gemini
And when the Holy Windshield Wiper gets me...

Journey: Don't Stop Believing
She took the midnight tango with every man!

Rihanna: I Found Love In a Hopeless Place
We found a lump in a horse's leg.

Chumbawamba: Tubthumping
I got no thumb, but it grew back again.
You're never gon...

Shania Twain: That Don't Impress Me Much
I can't believe you kiss your c**k at night.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!

http://samboiam.hubpages.com/hub/My-Favorite-Bon-Jovi-Songs

Bon Jovi

Bad Medicine

need a respirator 'cause I'm running out of breath
You're an all night generator wrapped in stockings and a dress
When you find your medicine you take what you can get
'Cause if there's something better baby, well, they haven't found it yet

Your love is like bad medicine
Bad medicine is what I need
Shake it up just like bad medicine
There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease

Lay Your Hands On Me.

Everything you want is what I need
Satisfaction's guaranteed
But the ride don't never ever come for free
If you want me to lay my hands on you

Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me,
Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me,

Thank You For Loving Me

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes when I couldn't see
For parting my lips when I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

I’ll Be There For You

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

Dry County

Down in dry county
They're swimming in the sand
Praying for some holy water
To wash the sins from off our hand
Here in dry county
The promise has run dry
Where nobody cries
And no one's getting out of here alive

Always

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Wanted Dead or Alive

Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you're alone
All you do is think

I'm a cowboy
On a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted
(Wanted)
Dead or alive
Wanted
(Wanted)
Dead or alive

You Give Love A Bad Name

You paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boys dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

You're a loaded gun
There's nowhere to run
No-one can save me, the damage is done

Shot through the heart, and your to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name

Bed Of Roses

With an ironclad fist I wake up and french kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps it's own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love, the truth, what you mean to me and the truth is
Baby you're all that I need

I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonight I'll sleep on a bed of nails
I wanna be just as close as your Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

Livin On A Prayer

She says we've got to hold on to what we've got
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not
We got each other and that's a lot
For love we'll give it a shot!

Oh, we're half way there
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand, we'll make it I swear
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer

http://www.azlyrics.com/g/guns.html

GUNS N' ROSES

"Welcome To The Jungle"

Welcome to the jungle
We've got fun 'n' games
We got everything you want
Honey, we know the names
We are the people that can find
Whatever you may need
If you got the money, honey
We got your disease

"Paradise City"

Take me down
To the paradise city
Where the grass is green
And the girls are pretty
Take me home

Just a' urchin
livin' under the street
I'm a hard case
that's tough to beat
I'm your charity case
So buy me somethin' to eat
I'll pay you at another time
Take it to the end of the line

"Sweet Child O' Mine"

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that
special place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

"Move To The City"

You pack your bags
And you move to the city
There's somethin' missin' here at home
You fix your hair
And you're lookin' real pretty
It's time to get it out on your own
You're always fightin'
With your mama and you papa
Your family life is one big pain!
When you, you gonna move to the city?
Into the city where it all began

"You're Crazy"

You don't want my love
You want satisfaction
You don't need my love
You gotta find yourself another
Piece of the action
'Cause you're crazy
You're fuckin' crazy
Ya know you're crazy
I said you're crazy

"Live And Let Die"

When you were young
and your heart was an open book
You used to say live and let live
you know you did
you know you did
you know you did
But if this ever changin
in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
Live and let die

"Catcher In The Rye"

When all is said and done
We're not the only ones
Who look at life this way
That's what the old folks say
But every time I see them
Makes me wish I had a gun
If I thought that I was crazy
Well I guess I'd have more fun
(Guess I'd have more fun)

Oooh, the Catcher In The Rye Again
Won't let ya get away from him
(Tomorrow never comes)
It's just another day...
Like today

"Wild Horses"

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted
I bought them for you graceless lady
You know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hand

Wild horses
Couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses
Couldn't drag me away

"Sentimental Movie"

You better change your attitude
Cause you know you want it to
You bring me all your pride
But I know you hold it too
I can feed your bounty, yeah
If you feed my head as well
And I won't give you empty promises, yeah
When the quarter's in the wishing well

But this ain't no sentimental movie
Where dreams collect like dust
You talk to me with innocence in your eyes
So now, who can you trust?

"Chinese Democracy"

It don't really matter
Gonna find out for yourself
No it don't really matter
You're gonna leave this thing to
Somebody else
If they were missionaries
Real time visionaries
Sitting in a Chinese stew
To view my dis-infatu-ation
I know that I'm a classic case
Watch my disenchanted face
Blame it on the Falun Gong*
They've seen the end and you can't hold on now

"Only Women Bleed"

Man's got his woman to take his seed
He's got the power - oh
She's got the need
She spends her life through pleasing up her man
She feeds him dinner or anything she can
She cries alone at night too often
He smokes and drinks and don't come home at all

Only women bleed
Only women bleed
Only women bleed

Man makes your hair gray
He's your life's mistake
All you're really lookin' for is an even break
He lies right at you
You know you hate this game
He slaps you once in a while and you live and love in pain
She cries alone at night too often
He smokes and drinks and don't come home at all

"Sympathy For The Devil"

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

http://www.gazagateway.org/2012/11/10-fa...ank-and-israel/

Gaza Strip, the West Bank and Israel

Throughout history, within the area of "mandatory Palestine", now divided into the Gaza Strip, the West Bank and Israel, there was nearly complete freedom of movement

Throughout history, within the area of "mandatory Palestine", now divided into the Gaza Strip, the West Bank and Israel, there was nearly complete freedom of movement

The ceasefire agreement between Hamas and Israel includes language about “easing passage for movement of people and goods through the crossings”. Gisha expresses hope that any new arrangement will take into consideration and respect the rights of Palestinians to travel between Gaza and the West Bank, subject only to individual security checks. Here are 10 facts about the connection between the Gaza Strip, the West Bank and Israel.

Every month, Israel allows about 4,000 entries by Palestinians from Gaza to the West Bank and Israel via the Erez crossing. By way of comparison, in September 2000, there were more than half a million entries.

The Gaza Strip and the West Bank were recognized as forming a single territorial unit in the Oslo Accords, signed by Israel and the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO), with the United States and Russia serving as witnesses. International human rights law protects the right of Palestinian residents to travel inside the Palestinian territory and to choose their place of residence within this territory.

Palestinian residents of the Gaza Strip and the West Bank are registered in the population registry, which is administered by Israel. When a Palestinian child is born, whether in Gaza City or in Ramallah, the Palestinian Authority informs the Israeli army, which approves the issuing of new identification numbers.

Ever since Hamas took control of the Gaza Strip in June 2007, there have been two Palestinian governments – one in Ramallah in the West Bank and the other in Gaza. Coordination for the movement of people and goods between Gaza, Israel and the West Bank is carried out by the Ramallah government, which still employs staff in the Gaza Strip.

More than five million Palestinians live between the Mediterranean and the Jordan River. They have family connections in Israel, the Gaza Strip and the West Bank. Israel allows family visits between Gaza, Israel and the West Bank in exceptional humanitarian cases. Additionally, Israeli citizens who marry residents of the Gaza Strip are permitted to live with their spouses in Gaza. With few exceptions, Israel does not allow Gaza residents to unite with their spouses in Israel or in the West Bank.

In addition to individualized permits, Israel allowed about 12,000 Gaza residents to travel between Gaza and the West Bank each month via the “Safe Passage” that operated between 1999 and 2000.

Before Israel banned the sale of goods from Gaza in Israel and the West Bank in June 2007, more than 85% of the goods shipped out of Gaza were sold in these areas, primarily in Israel.

Palestinian civil society is active both in Gaza and in the West Bank and serves the entire Palestinian population. Large organizations have branches in both parts of the territory.

In 1998, before students from Gaza were banned from studying in the West Bank, some 1,000 students from Gaza studied in universities in the West Bank, including in study programs not available in the Gaza Strip. Israel prevents students who are residents of Gaza from traveling to the West Bank in order to enroll in universities as part of the “separation policy” but, under some circumstances, permits the same individuals to travel for short-term training and seminars.

http://www.rockwisdom.com/mainpage.htm

All lies and jest, still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. - Simon and Garfunkel, The Boxer

All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars. - Rush, The Pass

An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind. - John Cougar Mellencamp, Minutes To Memories

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. - The Beatles, The End

Before you accuse me take a look at yourself. - Bo Diddley; Creedance Clearwater Revival; Eric Clapton, Before You Accuse Me

Bent out of shape from society's pliers, cares not to come up any higher, but rather get you down in the hole that he's in. - Bob Dylan, It's Alright, Ma

Different strokes for different folks, and so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby. - Sly and the Family Stone, Everyday People

Don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. - Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well

Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy, she'll beat you if she's able. You know, the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet. - The Eagles, Desperado

Even the genius asks questions. - 2 Pac, Me Against The World

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. - Semisonic, Closing Time

- Yo mamma's so big, her belly button's got an echo.

- Yo mamma's so nasty, a skunk smelled her and passed out.

Yo mamma's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mamma's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics

Yo mamma's so big, they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling.

Yo mamma's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles

Yo mamma's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose.

Yo mamma's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.

Yo mamma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!

Yo mamma so short she poses for trophies!

Yo mamma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea_Party_movement

The Tea Party movement is an American political movement that advocates strict adherence to the United States Constitution, reducing U.S. government spending and taxes, and reduction of the U.S. national debt and federal budget deficit. The movement has been called partly conservative,partly libertarian, and partly populist. The movement has sponsored protests and supported political candidates since 2009.

The name of the movement is derived from the Boston Tea Party of 1773, an iconic event in American history.Anti-tax protesters in the United States have often referred to the original Boston Tea Party for inspiration.References to the Boston Tea Party were part of Tax Day protests held throughout the 1990s and earlier.By 2001, a custom had developed among some conservative activists of mailing tea bags to legislators and other officials as a symbolic act.

The Tea Party movement is not easily defined, primarily because it comprises hundreds of groups at the grassroots level, of varying size, influence and priorities. It is highly factionalized, with no clear leadership or centralized structure. This is highlighted by the fact that it is not uncommon for different groups affiliating themselves with the movement to adopt disparate stances with respect to a given issue. Nonetheless, the generally consistent recourse to the Constitution across the movement with respect to various issues has helped facilitate scholarly examination of the movement.

While not uniformly so, the Tea Party movement tends to be anti-government, anti-spending, anti-Obama, anti-tax, nationalistic, in favor of strict immigration legislation and against compromise politics. Since the 2012 elections, many local Tea Party factions have shifted their focus to state nullification of the health care law, and protesting the United Nations The Tea Party is skeptical towards the courts, shows a commitment to individualism and takes an originalist view in constitutional interpretation. The Tea Party is opposed to the bailouts, stimulus packages, and has expressed an interest in repealing the Sixteenth and Seventeenth Amendments. It is also in favor of amending the Constitution to grant states the right to veto federal laws. It is known as the Repeal Amendment.

Contract from America

The Contract from America was the idea of Houston-based lawyer Ryan Hecker. He stated that he developed the concept of creating a grassroots call for reform prior to the April 15, 2009, Tax Day Tea Party rallies. To promote his idea, he launched a website, ContractFromAmerica.com, which encouraged people to offer possible planks for the contract. The top ten planks were decided by online voting at Hecker's website

Identify constitutionality of every new law: Require each bill to identify the specific provision of the Constitution that gives Congress the power to do what the bill does (82.03%).
Reject emissions trading: Stop the "cap and trade" administrative approach used to control pollution by providing economic incentives for achieving reductions in the emissions of pollutants. (72.20%).
Demand a balanced federal budget: Begin the Constitutional amendment process to require a balanced budget with a two-thirds majority needed for any tax modification. (69.69%)

Simplify the tax system: Adopt a simple and fair single-rate tax system by scrapping the internal revenue code and replacing it with one that is no longer than 4,543 words – the length of the original Constitution. (64.9%).
Audit federal government agencies for constitutionality: Create a Blue Ribbon taskforce that engages in an audit of federal agencies and programs, assessing their Constitutionality, and identifying duplication, waste, ineffectiveness, and agencies and programs better left for the states or local authorities. (63.37%).

Limit annual growth in federal spending: Impose a statutory cap limiting the annual growth in total federal spending to the sum of the inflation rate plus the percentage of population growth. (56.57%).

Repeal the health care legislation passed on March 23, 2010: De-fund, repeal, and replace the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. (56.39%).

Pass an "all-of-the-above" energy policy: Authorize the exploration of additional energy reserves to reduce American dependence on foreign energy sources and reduce regulatory barriers to all other forms of energy creation. (55.5%).

Reduce earmarks: Place a moratorium on all earmarks until the budget is balanced, and then require a two-thirds majority to pass any earmark. (55.47%).

Reduce taxes: Permanently repeal all recent tax increases, and extend permanently the George W. Bush temporary reductions in income tax, capital gains tax, and estate taxes, currently scheduled to end in 2011. (53.38%).

Though the Tea Party Patriots asked both Democrats and Republicans to sign on to the Contract, no Democrats signed, and the contract met resistance from a number of Republicans, who subsequently created the Pledge to America. Brendan Buck, a spokesman for that agenda explained that the Contract was too narrow in focus, and not exactly what the Republican party would include in its own top-10 list of priorities.[35] Candidates in the 2010 elections who signed the Contract from America included Utah's Mike Lee, Nevada's Sharron Angle, Sen. Coburn (R-OK), and Sen. DeMint (R-SC).[36]

Sarah Palin stated during a June, 2010 interview with Katie Couric that focused on foreign policy, "I see the United States as being a force for good in the world. And as Ronald Reagan used to talk about, America being the beacon of light and hope for those who are seeking democratic values and tolerance and freedom." When asked why she supported additional U.S. troops for Afghanistan, Palin replied, "Because we can't afford to lose in Afghanistan, as we cannot afford to lose in Iraq, either, these central fronts on the war on terror. ... Specifically, we will make every effort possible to help spread democracy for those who desire freedom, independence, tolerance, respect for equality. That is the whole goal here in fighting terrorism also. It's not just to keep the people safe, but to be able to usher in democratic values and ideals around this, around the world."

In an August 2010 article for Foreign Policy magazine, Ron Paul outlined foreign policy views the Tea Party movement should emphasize: "[W]e cannot stand against big government at home while supporting it abroad. We cannot talk about fiscal responsibility while spending trillions on occupying and bullying the rest of the world ... I see tremendous opportunities for movements like the Tea Party to prosper by capitalizing on the Democrats' broken promises to overturn the George W. Bush administration's civil liberties abuses and end the disastrous wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. A return to the traditional U.S. foreign policy of active private engagement but government noninterventionism is the only alternative that can restore our moral and fiscal health."

Some Tea Party affiliated Republicans, such as Michele Bachmann, Jeff Duncan, Connie Mack IV, Jeff Flake, Tim Scott, Joe Walsh, Allen West, and Jason Chaffetz voted for progressive Dennis Kucinich's resolution to withdraw from Libya. In the Senate, three Tea Party backed Republicans, Jim DeMint, Mike Lee and Michael Crapo, voted to limit foreign aid to Libya, Pakistan and Egypt. Tea Partiers in both houses of Congress have shown willingness to cut foreign aid.

The Tea Party movement is composed of a loose affiliation of national and local groups that determine their own platforms and agendas without central leadership. The Tea Party movement has been cited as an example of grassroots political activity, although it has also been described as an example of astroturfing.

The Tea Party movement is not a national political party; polls show that most Tea Partiers consider themselves to be Republicans and the movement's supporters have tended to endorse Republican candidates.[45] Commentators, including Gallup editor-in-chief Frank Newport, have suggested that the movement is not a new political group but simply a re-branding of traditional Republican candidates and policies.[An October 2010 Washington Post canvass of local Tea Party organizers found 87% saying "dissatisfaction with mainstream Republican Party leaders" was "an important factor in the support the group has received so far".

On January 24, 2009, Trevor Leach, chairman of the Young Americans for Liberty in New York State organized a "Tea Party" to protest obesity taxes proposed by New York Governor David Paterson and call for fiscal responsibility on the part of the government. Several of the protesters wore Native American headdresses similar to the band of 18th century colonists who dumped tea in Boston Harbor to express outrage about British taxes.

Aside from rallies, some groups affiliated with the Tea Party movement began to focus on getting out the vote and ground game efforts on behalf of candidates supportive of their agenda starting in the 2010 elections.

In early July 2010, the North Iowa Tea Party (NITP) posted a billboard showing a photo of Adolf Hitler with the heading "National Socialism", one of Barack Obama with the heading "Democrat Socialism", and one of Vladimir Lenin with the heading "Marxist Socialism", all three marked with the word "change" and the statement "Radical leaders prey on the fearful and naive". It received sharp criticism, including some from other Tea Party activists. NITP co-founder Bob Johnson acknowledged the anti-socialist message may have gotten lost amid the fascist and communist images. Following a request from the NITP, the billboard was removed on July 14.[

Yo mamma's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.

Yo mamma's so old, I told her to act her age and she died.

Yo mamma's so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ah Levi's?"

Yo mamma's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!

Yo mamma's so nasty, she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.

Yo mamma's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop.

Yo mamma's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box.

Yo mamma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.

Yo mamma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
- Yo mamma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock

Yo mamma's so big, she can't wear an X jacket cause helicopters kept landing on her back.

http://drunkard.com/issues/03_06/0306_40_reasons.html

why get drunk

1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.

2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.

3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.

4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.

5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.

6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.

7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.

8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.
.

9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.

10. Remember that English high school teacher you and your pals used to call “Mr. McTightass?” You are so starting to remind me of him.

11. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.

12. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?

13. Churchill and FDR got drunk, Hitler didn’t. So what are you, some kind of Nazi?

14. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a goddamn squirrel?

15. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.

16. Your friends might have a good time without you.

17. The Man says you shouldn’t and you don’t want to upset the Man, eh slavebot?

18. There is a 1000 percent better chance you will land a starring role in the upcoming Paris Hilton video Vegas Orgy.

19. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.

20. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.

21. That feisty barmaid might finally, you know, pick up on what you’re laying down.

22. Listen, are we down on this goddamn rock to have a good time or watch other people have a good time on TV?

23. Your girlfriend has rented a bunch of chick flicks you can snuggle to.

24. You’re under a lot of stress and if you don’t get crazy drunk you might do something crazy sober.

25. You gotta figure the odds of getting thrown in the drunk tank twice in one month are practically negligible.

26. If you don’t hunt the booze, the booze will surely hunt you.

27. When you write your memoirs you won’t have to go through the hassle of making up a bunch of decadent adventures.

28. Al-Qaeda forbids drinking and since when did you start taking orders from Al-Qaeda?

29. Let’s face it: modern life is a shit storm and booze is the only umbrella without any holes in it.

30. 7-11 nachos with extra cheese substitute and chili only taste good when you can’t remember eating them.

31. You did your goddamn monkey dance for the Man and now you get your monkey treat.

32. God hates the sight of you.

33. God won’t stop staring at you.

34. Your boss gets all weirded out when you get drunk during the day.

35. Three Stooges episodes you’ve watched a hundred times are suddenly hilarious again.

36. The day will come when you will have to single-handedly face death, and there isn’t a person alive who can tell you what will happen next.

37. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.

38. When your coworkers ask “What did you get up to last night?” you can smile all cool like and say “Maaaaaan, you don’t wanna know,” instead of chirping “I alphabetized my DVD collection and found out I have two copies of The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Two!”

39. Remember your childhood dream of meeting a brewery heiress and jet-setting around the world on her dime? You think that’s going to happen while sitting in your goddamn apartment watching Captain Picard surrender the Enterprise for the tenth straight episode?

40. It’s so much easier to ring up those old flames and explain exactly where they went wrong

Yo mamma's so big, she rollerskates on busses

Yo mamma's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection

Yo mamma's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.

Yo mamma's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.

Yo mamma's so big, when she bent down to tie her shoes, her face got burnt from re-entryYo mamma's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.

Yo mamma's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.-

Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.

Yo mamma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."

- Yo mamma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!Yo mamma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

http://voices.yahoo.com/10-causes-abdominal-pain-women-symptoms-you-4836096.html

causes of abdominal pain in women.

Constipation is one of the most common causes of abdominal pain in women.

Are you having problems pooping? Constipation is a common cause of abdominal pain in women. Everybody gets constipated every now and then, but when your constipation causes abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, bloody feces, a hard or distended abdomen, or if your constipation lasts more than two weeks, your problem pooping may be the symptom of a more serious condition.

Crohn's disease causes abdominal pain in women.

Crohn's disease is another of the common causes of abdominal pain in women, especially if you have abdominal cramping and diarrhea. Some women may also experience abdominal pain accompanied by nausea and vomiting or notice blood in their bowel movements.

Ectopic pregnancies are causes of abdominal pain in women.

Ectopic pregnancies are often causes of abdominal pain in women. Abdominal pain in women caused by an ectopic pregnancy may seem to be like normal menstrual abdominal cramping and bleeding only worse- much worse. If you think an ectopic pregnancy could be the cause of abdominal pain, you should call your doctor immediately.

A common cause of abdominal pain in women is Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) is one of the more likely causes of abdominal pain in women than in men. IBS symptoms include abdominal pain, frequent and painful diarrhea, painful and frequent constipation or both, abdominal distention, bloating and gas. Call your doctor if you think IBS is the cause of your abdominal pain and related symptoms.

Acid Reflux, or GERD, is common cause of abdominal pain in women.

Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) is a common cause of abdominal pain in women. GERD causes abdominal pain that is higher up, behind the sternum or breast bone. Abdominal pain caused by acid reflux is often helped by antacids and is likely to be worse when bending over, lying down or at night. If left untreated, GERD can damage your esophagus and cause more serious problems.
.

Acid Reflux, or GERD, is common cause of abdominal pain in women.

Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) is a common cause of abdominal pain in women. GERD causes abdominal pain that is higher up, behind the sternum or breast bone. Abdominal pain caused by acid reflux is often helped by antacids and is likely to be worse when bending over, lying down or at night. If left untreated, GERD can damage your esophagus and cause more serious problems.

Gallstones are a cause of abdominal pain in women.

Gallstones are most often causes of abdominal pain in women, those over 40, Native Americans and other ethnic groups. Abdominal pain caused by gallstones occurs immediately after eating and is located on the right side of the belly, in the middle to upper abdomen, and may spread to the back.

Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) can cause abdominal pain in women.

Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) is an infection of the female reproductive system. PID is usually caused by a sexually transmitted disease like gonorrhea or chlamydia, but infection causing bacteria may enter the from other activity in the genital area. Chronic pelvic or lower abdominal pain in women caused by Pelvic Inflammatory Disease may be accompanied by pain during sex, unusual vaginal discharge, fatigue, fever, vomiting or diarrhea.

Abdominal pain in women could be caused by a heart attack.

In addition to the usual symptoms- pain in the chest, shoulder and/or arm, fainting, nausea, vomiting, sweating, shortness of breath- a heart attack causes abdominal pain in women. Females may have the same symptoms as men, but for many women abdominal pain or heartburn, dizziness or feeling light headed, clammy skin and unusual or unexplained fatigue may also be caused by a heart attack.

Pancreatitis causes abdominal pain in women.

Pancreatitis causes abdominal pain, especially upper abdominal pain. Both chronic pancreatitis and acute pancreatitis are causes of abdominal pain in women. Pancreatitis symptoms include upper abdominal pain that spreads to your back, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain that feels a bit better when you lean forward or curl up into a ball, oily stools and extra smelly poop, indigestion, tenderness in the abdomen and abdominal pain that gets worse after eating.

Cancer is a cause of abdominal pain in women.

You might prefer not to think about tumors as causes of abdominal pain, but severe or persistent abdominal pain could be a symptom of cancer. Tumors or cancers in any of the organs found in your abdomen- such as the ovary, uterus, bladder, pancreas, stomach, liver or kidney- are causes of abdominal pain in women

http://www.34-menopause-symptoms.com/bre...breast-pain.htm

Reasons for Breast Pain

Changes in Hormones
Menstruation and pregnancy tend to be the most common reasons for breast pain, and it is often a change in cycles that leads to soreness, tenderness or pain. Menopause is characterized by a fluctuation of hormones, and it is the lack of estrogen which results from this which leads to breast pain. Stress levels are also linked to your hormones and fluctuations in hormone levels may be more severe if you are suffering from high levels of stress during menopause.

Taking Medications
Birth control and hormone replacement therapy are two types of prescribed medication which can cause breast pain and tenderness, mainly due to the impact of the hormones that are found in both of them. Estrogen and progesterone are components of these medications, which can disrupt a woman’s natural levels of these hormones during menopause. In addition, antidepressants and psychiatric medications can increase breast tenderness.

Caffeine
Tea, coffee, soda, medication and chocolate are five foods and drinks that are known to be a possible reason for breast pain. This is because these food types normally contain caffeine, which causes a dilation of blood vessels which leads to pain and tenderness. Try eliminating all forms of caffeine: why not opt for decaf coffee and sparkling water instead?

Costochondritis
A non-cyclic cause of breast pain is costochondritis, the inflammation of the ribs' junctions to the breastbone or sternum. Although not always linked to hormonal changes, this often occurs in the later years of a woman’s life. Aging and posture are two reasons for the pain that begins, and radiates, from where the breast bone and ribs meet.

Breast Cysts
Fluid-filled sacs within your breasts are referred to as breast cysts. These can be felt as round/oval lumps that have the texture of a water-filled balloon or grape. They are common in women of menopausal age and tend to subside following the menopause process.

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2008/12/02/8-surprising-causes-of-bad-breath

Causes of Bad Breath

Halitosis can't always be brushed or flossed away—but having breakfast might help defeat it

Medications. Saliva rinses away bacteria that foul the breath, and many drugs, among them antidepressants, diuretics, and even aspirin, can dry the mouth.

Bacteria. The stink-creating kind mostly hang out on the tongue, happily churning out gases as they munch on food particles and substances broken down from saliva, and multiply at night, when the salivary glands slow down (hence morning breath). Some people harbor more species of malodorous bacteria than others do, which may be why certain individuals are especially halitosis-prone. This month, a study in the Journal of Medical Microbiology suggests that H. pylori, the same bug that is often responsible for stomach ulcers, can cause bad breath and gum disease if it finds a home in the mouth.

Respiratory tract infections. Tooth and gum infections are recognized sources of bad breath. But so are bronchitis, sinusitis, and even a cold. RTIs break down tissue, starting a flow of cells and mucus that feed bacteria that create foul odor

Skipping breakfast. Besides the well-established advantages to body and mind of having a good breakfast, it helps quell morning breath by stimulating saliva production and scrubbing bacteria from the tongue. (But lay off the sardine-onion sandwich.)

Diet. Foods high in protein or dairy products generate large amounts of amino acids, which are fodder for bacteria. A diet low in carbs burns stored fat, creating toxic-smelling ketones. And last year, researchers linked bad breath with obesity, although the basis is unclear.

Mouth breathing. Any condition that dries the tissues of the mouth, preventing saliva from washing away bacteria, encourages bad breath. Candidates include sleep apnea, snoring, and asthma.

Ongoing illnesses. A potent breath can signal particular diseases. Kidney failure produces a fishy smell and uncontrolled diabetes generates fruity fumes, for instance.

Alcohol. Heavy alcohol consumption also can dry out the mouth.

Yo mamma's so big, she thought Barnum & Bailey were clothing designers.

- Yo mamma's so big, she uses a jungle gym for a walker.

- Yo mamma's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.

- Yo mamma's so big, she uses the interstate for a Slip 'n Slide.

- Yo mamma's so big, she whistles bass.

- Yo mamma's so big, that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.

- Yo mamma's so big, that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

http://facts.randomhistory.com/2008/11/10_pregnancy.html

Facts About Pregnancy

Each year in the United States, there are approximately six million pregnancies. This means that at any one time, about 4% of women in the U.S. are pregnant.

Only 25% of couples actively trying to conceive will experience pregnancy within the woman’s first cycle. However, 90% of couples will achieve pregnancy within the first 12 months of actively trying

About 3% of all pregnant women will give birth to twins. This rate is an increase of nearly 60% since the early 1980s. However, 17% of pregnant women over 45 will give birth to twins

Nigeria has the highest twinning rate in the world at around 4.5%. Some experts attribute this number to the large consumption of yams in Nigeria.

The average size of a full-term baby in the U.S. is 8 pounds. This is an increase from an average size of 6 pounds 30 years ago

The largest surviving baby was born in October 2009 in Sumatra, Indonesia and weighed an astounding 19.2 pounds at birth.

Less than 1% of women in the United States choose to deliver their babies at home, while 30% of Dutch women opt for home births.

Approximately one in three babies in the United States is now delivered by cesarean section. The number of cesarean sections in the U.S. has risen nearly 46% since 1996.

According to a Time Magazine article published in 1945, the longest pregnancy on record is 375 days (as opposed to the usual 280 days). Amazingly, the delivered baby was only 6 pounds, 15 ounces.

Fewer than 10% of babies are born on their exact due date, 50% are born within one week of the due date, and 90% are born within two weeks of the date.

Pregnant women at a healthy weight should eat an extra 300 calories per day. This amount is roughly equivalent to a serving of yogurt and half of a bagel.

While not all pregnant women will crave pickles and ice cream specifically, pregnancy cravings are rooted in the body’s extra need for minerals and comfort-inducing serotonin

Despite several rumors to the contrary, microwave ovens do not pose a threat to an unborn fetus.

During pregnancy, a woman is more likely to experience bleeding gums and nosebleeds due to hormonal changes that increase blood flow to the mouth and nose

Milk production and lactation can actually begin as early as the second trimester in some women.e Carrying a baby “high” or “low” is dependent on a woman’s body type and is not a reliable predictor of the baby’s gender

Approximately 70% of expectant mothers report experiencing some symptoms of morning sickness during the first trimester of pregnancy

Pregnant women usually experience a heightened sense of smell beginning late in the first trimester. Some experts call this the body’s way of protecting a pregnant women from foods that are unsafe for the fetus

Many women experience thicker and shinier hair during pregnancy due to hormonal changes and consumption of extra vitamins. New hair volume gained during pregnancy typically begins to fall out after three months post partum

While the feet do not actually get longer or wider during pregnancy, most women do gain up to half a shoe size, due to increased fluid volume in the foot

Yo mamma's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.

- Yo mamma's so nasty, she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.
- Yo mamma's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.

- Yo mamma's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

- Yo mamma's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!

- Yo mamma's so nasty, she's got more clap than an auditorium.

- Yo mamma's so nasty, they call her Norelco... Home of the triple head.

- Yo mamma's so nasty, when I went to your house said what's for dinner, yo mamma jumped up on the table and said "crabs!"

- Yo mamma's so nasty, when I went to your house said what's for dinner, yo mamma put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"

- Yo mamma's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.

http://inktank.fi/20-things-you-didnt-know-about-carrie-fisher-and-star-wars/

20 things you didn’t know about Carrie Fisher and Star Wars

1. She had a love-hate relationship with George Lucas.
In her bestselling memoir and one-woman show, Wishful Drinking, Fisher tells her readers, “George Lucas ruined my life.”

2. She hated the costumes she had to wear
She hated the white dress from A New Hope, but it was the famed metal bikini in Return of the Jedi, which she despised most of all. When I laid down, the metal bikini stayed up,” she once said. “So Boba Fett could see all the way to Florida.”

3. She has drugs named after her.
Fisher discovered there is a marijuana called Princess Leia after her daughter’s boyfriend tried to get a discount.

4. She beat some big names to land the role of Princess Leia
More than two dozen actresses auditioned for the role. These included Sissy Spacek, Farrah Fawcett, Glenn Close, Jessica Lange, Meryl Streep, Sigourney Weaver, Cybill Shepherd, Jane Seymour, Anjelica Huston, Kim Basinger, Kathleen Turner and Geena Davis.

5. She was forced to strap down her boobs
Her breasts were taped down with gaffer tape, as her costume did not permit any lingerie to be worn underneath. She joked later, “As we all know, there is no underwear in space.”

6. She didn’t like her bagel bun hair style
She disliked the “bagel bun” hair style she wore in the original Star Wars, but she didn`t say anything about it because she was afraid that director George Lucas would get angry and fire her.

7. She clashed with her mother about the role
Due to the limited budget the American cast members and crew flew economy class to England, rather than first class. When Carrie Fisher’s mother, film star Debbie Reynolds, heard about this she called George Lucas to complain. Lucas handed the phone to Carrie who simply said, “Mother, I want to fly coach, will you fuck off?!” and hung up.

8. She thinks she did a bad job playing Leia
She doesn’t thinks she’s a very good actress and often quotes her awkward half British, half American accent as an example.

9. She did some of her own stunts
Stunt doubles were not used for the scene in which Luke and Leia swing to safety. She and Mark Hamill performed that stunt themselves, shooting it in just one take.

10. Her role was heavily promoted to attract women viewers
Initial research from 20th Century Fox using the title and a brief synopsis came back with the results that only males under 25 were interested in seeing the film. Fox then deliberately marketed the film with a view to attracting older and female cinema goers by pushing images of humans, including Princess Leia, center stage and referring to the film in more mythic tones, rather than science fiction.

11. She loves nerds
She once sarcastically claimed to have got the role of Princess Leia Organa by sleeping “with some nerd.”

12. She found her dialogue a real challenge
After one especially difficult scene she said to Lucas “You can type this stuff, but you can’t say it”.

13. She was nearly cut from the script.
Lucas toyed with the idea of changing Luke Skywalker into a woman and cutting Princess Leia from the script. He also entertained the notion of casting the principal characters as dwarfs.

14. She loved arguing with Han Solo
When asked what her favorite moment from the Star Wars trilogy are, she replied that her favorite moments were the arguing scenes between her and Harrison Ford.

15. Her character never got to meet Obi-Wan Kenobi
The closest they get to meeting is when she sees him from a distance during the light saber duel.

16. She has a common ancestry with Mark Hamill
Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher are of Swedish and Jewish ancestry, respectively. In the prequels, their parents would be played by Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman, who also have Swedish and Jewish ancestry.

17. In the book her character is the first to speak.
In George Lucas’ paperback novelization of the film, the book begins with a short prologue recited by Princess Leia. In the prologue, she tells the story of the fall of the “Old Republic”, the rise of the Empire, and the rise of the Rebel Alliance.

18. She wanted to play Han Solo
Upon receiving the script prior to her audition, Carrie Fisher read it aloud with her friend, actor Miguel Ferrer. They loved it so much both of them wanted to play Han Solo!

19. She was addicted to cocaine while filming
In an interview in Australia, she revealed that she had a cocaine addiction during filming of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, and also survived an overdose. “Slowly, I realized I was doing a bit more drugs than other people and losing my choice in the matter” she said.

20. She was too short for some scenes
She stood on a box for many of her scenes with Harrison Ford in the Star Wars trilogy, owing to the fact that she was roughly a foot shorter than him and didn`t fit into the frame.

Yo mamma's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change.

- Yo mamma's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

- Yo mamma's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.

- Yo mamma's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

- Yo mamma's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store.

- Yo mamma's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911".

- Yo mamma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

http://list25.com/25-crazy-facts-about-sleep/

facts about sleep

With an average lifespan of 6 – 8 years mattresses have plenty of time to gather some nasty stuff and one study even linked them to sudden infant death syndrome.

Another study showed that people getting only 6 to 7 hours of sleep every night have a longer life expectancy than those who sleep 8 hours.

Both whales and dolphins literally fall half asleep. Their brain hemispheres take turns so they can continue surfacing to breathe

The world record for not sleeping was set by 17-year-old Randy Gardner in 1964 when he was awake for 264 hours and 12 minutes.

An adult bedbug can survive up to one year without feeding.

Upon joining the European Union, Spain launched a campaign to get rid of its world famous siestas, or afternoon naps, in order to show that it was intent on integration.

Although people born blind don’t see images when they dream, they do have an increased auditory, tactile, and olfactory experience

Scientists haven’t been able to figure out why exactly we need sleep.

The average person wakes up about six times per night.

to masturbate?

Somniphobia is the fear of sleep.

12% of people have black and white dreams. Before color television though, the number was 75%.

You can only dream about faces you have already seen.

Uvulopalatopharyngoplasty is a surgical procedure used to fix snoring by tightening the throat. Possible side effects include changes to the tone of your voice.

If it takes you less than five minutes to fall asleep then very likely you are sleep deprived. The ideal amount of time is about 10 minutes.

Scientists have determined that counting sheep is ineffective for putting oneself to sleep. Evidently it is too boring and imagining a calming landscape generally works much better.

In 1998 scientists scientists seemingly showed that shining a bright light on the back of a person’s knee could reset their biological clock.

When you die you will have slept about 1/3 of your life, which for the average person is approximately 25 years.

Not sleeping for 16 hours leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to having a blood alcohol level of .05%

The British military figured out a way to reset soldiers’ body clocks so they can go without sleep for up to 36 hours by simulating a sunrise on their retinas.

Every 90 minutes, during REM sleep, a burst of electrical activity flows through your brainstem which also happens to be when you experience dreams.

The average person spends 6 years of their life dreaming

That moment right before you fall asleep when all of a sudden you jolt wide awake has a name – it’s called a myoclonic jerk.

The Challenger space shuttle disaster, the Chernobyl nuclear meltdown, and the 1989 Exxon oil spill were all caused to some extent by sleep deprivation.

Almost everything we know about sleep, including the facts on this list, was all learned in the last 25 years

http://moonphases.info/ten-common-moon-myths.html

moon myths

Myth #1: The Moon changes size. The Inuit people that live in Greenland named their Moon god Anningan. According to his story, Annigan chases his sister Malina, the Sun goddess, around the sky. This tiring work, paired with a lack of food, causes Annigan to get much thinner. This myth was an attempt to explain the phases of the moon as it recedes from a full moon to a crescent.

Myth #2: There are multiple moons in a given year. In ancient China, there were believed to be twelve moons—one for each month of the year. These moons were also thought to be made of water.

Myth #3: Werewolves come out with a full moon. The folklore story of the werewolf perhaps dates as far back as the ancient Greeks and still exists worldwide today. It supposes that a cursed human shape-shifts into a wolf at the dawning of a full moon.

Myth #4: All moon landings were an expensive hoax. Some skeptics today still hold out in disbelief about NASA’s landing on the moon. With elaborate stories about movie sets and faked photographs, they refuse to believe that any moon landing was real.

Myth #5: Blue moons are colored blue. While this would be a sight to see, it is a commonly mistaken misnomer. Blue moons are simply the fourth full moon to occur in a season, since most seasons only have three full moons.

Myth #6: A full moon can cause lunacy. Some police and hospital workers still claim that people are wilder on a full moon. There has not been any substantial statistical evidence for this claim though.

Myth #7: The Earth’s shadow causes the phases of the Moon. The phases of the Moon are actually caused by the position of the Moon relative to the Sun. It is always lit up, but that half may not be completely visible from Earth. The only time that the shadow of the Earth interferes with the Moon is in a lunar eclipse.

Myth #8: The Moon reflects everything. The Moon lights up the sky nightly, but only about 7% of sunlight that hits the Moon is reflected. The brightest parts of the Moon are still only about 30% reflective.

Myth #9: The Moon doesn’t rotate. The Moon always keeps the same face to Earth because it is locked to the greater mass of its primary. In order to keep the same side facing the Earth, the Moon must counter-intuitively rotate slowly, so as to seem as though it doesn’t rotate at all.

Myth #10: The Moon brings love. In Chinese folklore, Yue-Laou is an old man in the moon who unites predestined couples together. British women as well, who hoped to receive a dream about their true love would recite the following verse under a New moon: “New moon, new moon, I hail thee! By all the virtue in thy body, grant this night that I may see he who my true love is to be.” The Moon has also traditionally been appealed to in order to bring fertility.

http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/weatherjokes/moonjokes.html

Q: Did you hear about the great new restaurant on the moon?
A: The food is excellent, but there's no atmosphere.

Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands!

Q: Did you hear about the bones they found on the moon?
A: It seems like the cow did not make it.

Q: What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumferenceby its diameter?
A: Moon pi.

Q: Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning!

After the Americans went to the Moon, the Soviets announced that they would be sending a man to the Sun.
The engineers objected. "If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!"
"What do you think I am, stupid?" he replied. "We'll send him at night!"

http://gizmodo.com/5923902/seven-insane-ways-to-get-drunk-without-drinking

Ways To Get Drunk Without Drinking

Not so long ago, there was a European invention called Alcohol Without Liquid, or AWOL (that should be your first red flag). You pour in a shot of your liquor of choice, the machine turns it into a vapor, and you inhale it. Insufflated alcohol goes into your bloodstream much faster than drinking. Also, the amount of food you have eaten doesn't affect its potency because, again, it bypasses your digestive system. It advertised a calorie-free drinking experience and promised no hangovers. It was all bullshit (calories still get in your system, regardless of how you ingest the alcohol). The AWOL was banned in most states before it even crossed the Atlantic.

Sublingual Absorption

Can you absorb booze through the mucous membranes in your mouth without swallowing? Yes. According to the blog Science 20, "there are drugs bigger than ethanol molecules that are administered sublingually." But just because it's chemically valid doesn't make it an efficient method. You have to hold booze in your mouth, a little at a time, for a long time. If you were using a high-proof liquor, that would burn a lot. Definitely not worth it.

Enema

Ever drank an ass-load of booze? I hope you haven't done it like this. It's called butt-chugging, and it's sad that it's common enough to have a nickname. It is, essentially, an alcohol enema. It's rather popular with the not-yet-21 college scene because you won't have any liquor on your breath. Or so they think. Actually, because the alcohol goes into your blood stream, the vapor comes out in your breath just the same. Sorry, kids.

Tampons

The Huffington Post did a bit on this at the end of last year. Everyone freaked out. But the idea has been around for ages. Same concept as butt-chugging. People take a tampon, soak it in vodka, then use the applicator to inject it into their vaginas and/or rectums. Sounds like a hoot. There are those that call bullshit on this method, claiming that it's tough to get a tampon to absorb enough booze while still in an applicator. (The attached news story claims it can hold a shot's worth.)

Eyeballing
Apply vodka bottle to eyeball, tilt head back, scream in pain. People think it's taking a shortcut to the bloodstream, which it is, kind of, but much less alcohol can be absorbed that way than they think. Alcohol sears the capillaries and they close off rather quickly. The immediate rush is more likely to be derived, not from the alcohol, but from the adrenaline you get from causing yourself such intense pain. It should come as no surprise that it's possible to cause permanent optical damage.

Injecting

The single most horrifying way people get drunk. People mainline alcohol. As in, they take a syringe and inject it directly into their veins. Jackass's Steve-O took 5 shots of vodka in an IV. But some say just a little bit of alcohol is enough. Either way, this can permanently damage your veins, cause infection, internal bleeding, and death. Don't do it.

Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

http://openbooksociety.com/article/a-z-mythical-creatures/

A: Angels
(A supernatural being found in many religions, whose duties are to assist and serve God. They typically act as messengers, as believed in the main three monotheistic religions.)

Afanc
(A lake monster from Welsh mythology. Its exact description varies; it is described alternately as resembling a crocodile, beaver or dwarf-like creature, and is sometimes said to be a demon.)

B: Bigfoot
(An alleged ape-like creature purportedly inhabiting forests, mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America. Bigfoot is usually described as a large, hairy, bipedal humanoid.)

Banshee
(A female spirit, usually seen as an omen of death and a messenger from the Otherworld.)

Cyclops
(A giant, with one single eye in the middle of his forehead.)

Centaur
(Has the head, arms, and chest of the centaur are human while the rest of its body, including four legs, hindquarters, and a tail is like that of a horse.)

Cherubs or Cherubim
(In Modern English they are strictly known as baby or toddler angels. Originally they are described as winged beings, a tetrad of living creatures, each having four faces: of a lion, an ox, an eagle, and a man. They are said to have the stature and hands of a man, the feet of a calf, and four wings.)

Chimaera
(A monstrous beast which is part lion, goat and snake.)

Originally Posted By: Frank

Cherubs or Cherubim
(In Modern English they are strictly known as baby or toddler angels. Originally they are described as winged beings, a tetrad of living creatures, each having four faces: of a lion, an ox, an eagle, and a man. They are said to have the stature and hands of a man, the feet of a calf, and four wings.)

...and a huge dick.

I'm speaking from experience.

(A legendary winged creature, typically with serpentine or reptilian traits.)

Demons
(Powerful supernatural beings without the dignity of gods. Ancient demons could be good or bad. Traditionally demons have been said to reign on some other planet, usually some form of hell, and are creatures of fire.)

Dwarves
(Described as shorter and stockier than Elves and Men, able to withstand both heat and cold. Though they are mortal, Dwarves have an average lifespan of 250 years.)

E: Elf
(Originally thought of as a race of divine or semi-divine beings endowed with magical powers, which they use both for the benefit and the injury of mankind. In pre-Christian mythology, they appear to have been divided into light elves and dark elves. In early modern and modern folklore, they were known to live underground in hills or rocks, or in wells and springs.)

Fae
(Able to see the future, or touched in the head. In popular culture the fey, if recognized at all, have been reduced to small, winged, humanoid, female creatures that are frequently portrayed in the nude.)

Griffins
(A legendary creature with the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle. As the lion was traditionally considered the king of the beasts and the eagle was the king of the birds, the griffin was thought to be an especially powerful and majestic creature. Griffins are normally known for guarding treasure.)

Harpy
(Mainly winged death-spirits, best known for constantly stealing all food from Phineas, they could also bring life.)

I: Itcuintlipotzotli
(Better known as the Chupacabra – strange Mexican creature the size of a small dog. It has hairless skin, a wolfish head, no neck, a short tail, and a large hump down the length of its back.)

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.

The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."

Kampe
(A monstrous centaurine creature who, from the waist up, had the body of a serpentine-haired woman. Below she had the body of a scaly dragon with a thousand vipers for feet and sprouting from her waist the heads of fifty fearsome beasts–lions, boars and other wild animals. Dark wings rose from her shoulders and above her head she lifted a furious scorpion’s tail.)

Lamia
(Lamia was once the beautiful Queen of Lybia and was seduced by the great king of the Greek gods himself – Zeus. His jealous wife, Hera, reacted by killing Lamia’s children and turning her into a hateful monster – a woman above the waist and a serpent below.)

Ouroboros
(A self-eating, circular being as the first living thing in the universe—an immortal, perfectly constructed animal. The living being had no need of eyes when there was nothing remaining outside him to be seen; nor of ears when there was nothing to be heard; and there was no surrounding atmosphere to be breathed.)

Q: Quanlier
(In Cherokee legend, a Quanlier has the head of a wolf, the torso of a man, the arms of a dog and the legs of a jackal. It feeds on human flesh and most small animals. Living in a small area there are very few, in fact there may be only one. It’s a close relation to a werewolf, only it can’t change into a human and when it’s killed it doesn’t turn into a human. It can run at speeds of up to 300 MPH.)

R: Roc
(A legendary gigantic bird from Arabian legends. These birds were so big that they could carry off elephants for food. The Roc is featured in various stories of the “Thousand and One Nights” and they have also featured in historical texts of Marco Polo on his travels.)

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him... "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

http://facts.randomhistory.com/facts-about-urine.html

urine facts

The word “urine” is from the Latin urina, which is from the variant of the Proto-Indo-European root *awer, meaning “to moisten, flow.”e

Some women in ancient Rome drank turpentine (which can be poisonous) because it made their urine smell like roses.a

In ancient Egypt and Ireland, women stood to urinate. It was the men who sat or squatted.a

In many Muslim countries, both men and women sit or squat to pee. They think standing up to urinate is something dogs, not humans, do.

In ancient China, both men and women stood up to urinate. Chinese noblemen would urinate into hollow canes so the urine would flow far way from their bodies.

Approximately 200 years ago, European women urinated standing up. They wore long dresses and no underpants.a

Each year in Canada, about 225 men fall overboard and drown as a consequence of standing up in a boat to urinate overboard.

Ancient Roman spies used urine as invisible ink

Ancient Roman spies used urine as invisible ink to write secrets between the lines of their official documents, hence the saying: “read between the lines.” The messages appeared only when heated.

The word “piss” is an onomatopoetic term for urine and has been used since before the 14th century.

American pioneers treated earaches by pouring warm urine in their ears and then plugging them with cloth.

It would take a dozen mice one entire day to fill a tablespoon with urine.

A horse such as a Clydesdale can urinate more than 4.5 gallons per day.

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."

An elephant can urinate more than 13 gallons per day. It’s easier to measure this on a male elephant, as female elephants often poop and urinate at the same time.

A fin whale’s bladder can hold 5½ gallons of urine.

Tortoises in the Mojave Desert store up to 1/3 of their body weight in urine. When they need water, the water in their urine flows back into their bodies while the waste remains and expels

Camels do not store water in their humps. When they need to, they keep most of the water in their bodies from turning into urine. Consequently, camel urine is twice as salty as seawater. When they do urinate, they urinate all over their legs, which helps them keep cool. As soon as they find water, they drink up to 25 gallons within 10 minutes.

Cave rats make urine trails throughout the deep, dark caverns of the caves, which tell the rats how to find their way in the dark.

Many animals use urine to convey social or sexual status
The Billy goat urinates all over his belly, chest, and beard to attract a mate. Similarly, a male porcupine sprays his urine in different directions—and when he finds a mate, he urinates all over her.a

The South American degu, a small rodent, uses urine to mark its passageways. Its urine reflects ultraviolet light, which the degu can see.

Siberian chipmunks cover themselves in snake urine whenever they can to camouflage their own scent.

When two male hippos fight to protect their territory, they will turn so they are bottom to bottom. They then cover each other with a urine/excrement combination, while twirling their tails like propellers to spread it around. Hippos are retromingent, which means they are able to urinate backwards.a

Male lobster’s bladders are in their heads, and when they fight, they squirt each other in the face with urine.

Hunters will often douse themselves and their dogs with fake raccoon pee to hide their scent from prey.

Urine was used by drug companies to make medicine—for example, urokinese, which helped dissolved the blood clots that caused heart attacks

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, Barack Obama is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

In 1815, Captain James Riley and his crew of the Commerce drank camel urine to stay alive after they were shipwrecked off the coast of Africa and had to cross the Sahara Desert to reach home.

The average child urinates six times a day
A child’s bladder can hold an ounce or more of urine for every year of age. Adult bladders can hold up to 2½ cups of urine for two to five hours. They feel the urge to urinate five to seven times a day, whenever they collect a cup’s worth.

The American pilgrims made a type of soap called “chamber lye” by letting urine sit in a barrel and then mixing it with ashes.a

The Inuit cleaned themselves in steam baths made by urinating on hot rocks in enclosed tents. In parts of India and East Africa where water is scarce or polluted, people still bathe in cow urine.

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."

The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"

http://www.travelingmyself.com/2013/04/25/34-interesting-facts-about-the-philippines/

Facts about the Philippines

1. The Philippines ranks 12th among the most populous countries in the world, the population of this country is about 90 million people

The Philippines has more than 200 volcanoes, although only some of them are active.

The flag of the Philippines – the only flag in the world, where colors can be reversed: in wartime, the upper band is red, the bottom – of the blue, and in times of peace – on the contrary.

4. In the Philippine cave complex Tabone (Tabon Cave Complex) were found fossils of Homo sapiens. According to studies, this area was inhabited by about fifty thousand years ago

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

Interesting facts about the Philippines: As part of the Banaue Rice Terraces of the Philippines Cordilleras, the Batad rice terraces are thus also a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Known as the “Eighth Wonder of the World” by the Philippines, they are one of the most well-known attractions of northern Philippines

There are Rice Terraces on the slopes of the Philippine Cordilleras, whose history is two thousand years old. They are considered a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

The first European who visit the Philippines is a Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan.

About 80% of the total population are Catholics.

A man owned a small farm in Maine . The Maine State Wage & Hour Department, claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Filipinos have a different ethnic background, such as Malay, Chinese, Spanish, American, etc.

The country got its name in honor of the Spanish King Philip II.

In the period from 1521 to 1898 years, the Philippines was a Spanish colony. After, the archipelago became the property of the United States.

The Philippines was the first country in South-East Asia, which gained independence after the Second World War, in 1946.

The Philippine area covers about 300,000 square kilometers, which corresponds approximately to the area of Italy.

Filipinos are the world’s largest network of diasporas, which covers more than 11 million people.

A visiting professor at Texas A&M University was making a presentation on the supernatural to a few hundred people in an auditorium.

To get a sense of his audience, he asks, "How many people here actually believe in ghosts?" About 90 people raise their hands.

"Well, that's really interesting. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, how many of you think you've seen a ghost?" This time, about 40 people raise their hands.

"Fascinating. I'm really glad to see that you folks are taking this topic seriously Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 people raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Only 3 people raise their hands. "Wow, that's fantastic."

"Let me ask just one more question. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student near the back of the auditorium raises his hand. The professor is amazed. He takes off his glasses, steps back and says, "You know, son, in all the years I've been lecturing on this topic, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You really have to come up here and tell us all about your experience."

The kid grins and nods OK, and begins to walk forward. It's pretty obvious that he's a redneck as he makes his way to the podium. The professor motions him to the podium, and says, "OK. Tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student looks surprised, and replies, "Ghost?!! Damn . . from back there, I thought you said 'goats!'"

http://www.diamondjimracing.com/funfacts.html

drag racing facts

… that the nitromethane-powered engines of NHRA Top Fuel dragsters and Funny Cars produce approximately 8,000 horsepower, about 43 times that of the average street car?

… that one cylinder of the eight cylinders of a Top Fuel dragster or a Funny Car produces 750 horsepower, equaling the entire horsepower output of a NASCAR engine?

… that the gasoline-powered engines of NHRA Pro Stock cars produce about 1,200 horsepower, about eight times that of the average street car?

… that an NHRA Top Fuel dragster accelerates from 0 to 100 mph in less than .8-second, almost 11 seconds quicker than it takes a production Porsche 911 Turbo to reach the same speed?

A biology major was taking a cell biology course. The task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under a microscope. They had to scrape the inside of their mouths with a toothpick and make a slide from it and record the different types of cells that were found.

One girl in the class was having some trouble identifying some cells. She called the professor over to ask him.

After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he looked up and said in a loud voice, "Those are sperm cells."

an NHRA Funny Car is slowed by a reverse force more than seven times that of gravity when both parachutes deploy simultaneously?

NHRA Top Fuel dragsters and Funny Cars consume between four and five gallons of fuel during a quarter-mile run, which is equivalent to between 16 and 20 gallons per mile?

NHRA Top Fuel dragsters and Funny Cars use between 10 and 12 gallons of fuel for a complete pass, including the burnout, backup to the starting line, and quarter-mile run?

NHRA Top Fuel dragsters and Funny Cars travel the length of more than four football fields in less than five seconds?

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

.

… that the nitromethane used to power the engines of NHRA Top Fuel dragsters and Funny Cars costs about $30 per gallon?

… that it's desirable for an NHRA Top Fuel dragster to race with its front wheels inches off the ground for about the first 200 feet of the run? This ensures proper weight transfer to the rear wheels, a crucial part of a good launch and quick run

… that it takes just 15/100ths of a second for all 8,000 horsepower of an NHRA Top Fuel dragster engine to reach the rear wheels?

… that the 17-inch rear tires used on NHRA Top Fuel dragsters and Funny Cars wear out after four to six runs, or about two miles? Some brands of passenger-car tires are guaranteed for 80,000 miles.

… that depending on size and angle, the large rear wing on an NHRA Top Fuel dragster develops between 4,000 and 8,000 pounds of downforce?

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

http://www.endtimesbroadcast.com/bpantichrist.html

about the Anti Christ

FACTS ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST

20. He will not have the desire of women. Dan. 11:37

21. His god will be the god of power. Dan. 11:38

http://www.endtimesbroadcast.com/bpantichrist.html

FACTS ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST

18.He will do everything according to his own selfish will. Dan. 11:36
19. He will not regard the God of his fathers. Dan. 11:37

http://www.endtimesbroadcast.com/bpantichrist.html

FACTS ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST

16. He will profane the temple. Matt. 24:15
17. He will be energized by satan himself. Rev. 13:2

http://www.endtimesbroadcast.com/bpantichrist.html

FACTS ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST

He will be the first creature thrown into the lake of fire. Rev. 19:20

He will be a master of deceit. 2 Thess. 2:10

If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic professor.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

http://www.endtimesbroadcast.com/bpantichrist.html

FACTS ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST

He will destroy the false religious system so that he may rule unhindered. Rev. 17:16-17

He will set himself up as God. Dan. 11:36-37; 2 Thess. 2:4, 11; Rev. 13:5

He will briefly rule over all nations. Ps. 2; Dan. 11:36; Rev. 13:16

He will be utterly crushed by the Lord Jesus Christ at the Battle of Armageddon.Rev. 19

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

http://www.endtimesbroadcast.com/bpantichrist.html

FACTS ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST

He will attempt to destroy all of Israel. Rev. 12

He will destroy the false religious system so that he may rule unhindered. Rev. 17:16-17

He will set himself up as God. Dan. 11:36-37; 2 Thess. 2:4, 11; Rev. 13:5

He will briefly rule over all nations. Ps. 2; Dan. 11:36; Rev. 13:16

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.

When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however,
throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."

"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/09/08...g-and-cheating/

Crap Excuses for Lying and Cheating

It wasn’t cheating because in my mind we were already broken up.

I didn’t know you cared that much, you could’ve fooled me.

I was confused about what I wanted.

I’m sorry you got mad.

I figured it was don’t ask, don’t tell. Yeah you asked, but I never did, I’d rather not know, but that’s just me.

I didn’t mean relationship the way you’re defining it.

My ex was a really important part of my life for a long time, I’ll always have some feelings, it’s natural.

I didn’t even know you guys were good friends.

I felt super awkward, I didn’t know what to do.

We slept in the same bed but we didn’t do anything, I swear. I just needed a place to crash, that’s it.

I worry that you’re too good for me, and that you’ll dump me. I guess I got defensive and kinda freaked out.

You never cheated on me? I find that hard to believe.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am just looking for a girl with big tits.

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/09/08...g-and-cheating/

Crap Excuses for Lying and Cheating

My last relationship was really messed up. I admit I’m still dealing with that.

I am so a good person! I just screwed up. Everybody screws up sometimes, or are you perfect?

I don’t think I ever said that. I was just looking to have fun, so I don’t know why I would have said I wanted to date you.

You’re going abroad next semester, I guess I was trying to adapt to that. It’s going to be really hard for me when you leave.

I’m dealing with some issues you don’t know about right now. No, I don’t want to talk about them, I just need a little time to work sh*t out. (Dating new person within 48 hours.)

It wasn’t cheating because we’d had a fight that night, and I figured we were broken up until I got your text the next morning.

Whoa, you’re crazy!

You’re freaking me out right now, you’re acting psycho.

It’s no big deal, you’re just making drama for no reason.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/09/08...g-and-cheating/

I was blackout, I swear. I’d never do anything like that sober.

I don’t know why he/she said that, there’s nothing going on.

Whoever told you that is crazy or jealous, don’t listen to them.

I thought I wanted to be in a relationship with you, but after we hooked up I realized I didn’t.

I don’t consider making out cheating.

We’re just friends. Don’t you ever hang out with friends alone?

Do I ask you about every single person I see you out with?

She sat on my lap, what was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to be a jerk.

He/she kissed me. I didn’t want to make a scene so I just went along for a little bit.

I said I’d go to his weekend formal because he really, really needs a date.

Don’t worry, I told him we won’t need privacy in the room.

With graduation coming up, I freaked out about what it would mean to stay together. I needed to see if I really want to commit to you. Um, I guess I decided we should break up. (Dating new person within 48 hours.)

I admit I handled it badly, but I don’t see what was so wrong.

You know you would have cheated eventually, you’re just mad that I did it first.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80502688/

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started..

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 190 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80502688/

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80502688/

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_plants_by_common_name

Plants

Aconitum also known as "the queen of poisons", aconite, monkshood, wolf's bane, leopard's bane, women's bane, devil's helmet or blue rocket, is a genus of over 250 species of flowering plants belonging to the family Ranunculaceae. These herbaceous perennial plants are chiefly native to the mountainous parts of the northern hemisphere, growing in the moisture-retentive but well-draining soils of mountain meadows. Most species are extremely poisonous and must be dealt with carefully.

Alnus glutinosa (English: black alder, European alder or common alder) is a species of alder in the family Betulaceae, native to most of Europe, including all of the British Isles and Fennoscandia and locally in southwest Asia

lex verticillata, the American Winterberry, is a species of holly native to eastern North America in the United States and southeast Canada, from Newfoundland west to Ontario and Minnesota, and south to Alabama.

Alnus incana (Grey Alder or Speckled Alder) is a species of alder with a wide range across the cooler parts of the Northern Hemisphere.

The almond (Prunus amygdalus, syn. Prunus dulcis, Amygdalus communis, Amygdalus dulcis) is a species of tree native to the Middle East and South Asia. "Almond" is also the name of the edible and widely cultivated seed of this tree. Within the genus Prunus, it is classified with the peach in the subgenus Amygdalus, distinguished from the other subgenera by the corrugated shell (endocarp) surrounding the seed.

Ambrosia trifida is an annual plant in the aster family, native throughout much of North America. Its flowers are green and are pollinated by wind rather than by insects, and the pollen is one of the main causes of late summer hay fever. Flowers are borne from midsummer through early fall. The plant is erect, growing to over 6 meters, though 2– 3 meters is more typical.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and The dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.

'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note Of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to crap all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_plants_by_common_name

Bamboo i/bæmˈbuː/ (Bambuseae) is a tribe of flowering perennial evergreen plants in the grass family Poaceae, subfamily Bambusoideae, tribe Bambuseae. Giant bamboos are the largest members of the grass family. In bamboos, the internodal regions of the stem are hollow and the vascular bundles in the cross section are scattered throughout the stem instead of in a cylindrical arrangement. The dicotyledonous woody xylem is also absent. The absence of secondary growth wood causes the stems of monocots, even of palms and large bamboos, to be columnar rather than tapering

Ilex decidua (Meadow Holly, also called "possumhaw", "deciduous holly" or "swamp holly") is a species of holly native to the United States.
Distinguishing features of this species are crenate leaf margins and fruiting pedicels that are 2–8 mm long. Its "distinctive leaf shape... is less variable than other species of holly". Leaves are obovate, simple, alternating, deciduous, and grow to 2.5-7.5 cm long.

Betula lenta (Sweet Birch, also known as Black Birch, Cherry Birch, Mahogany Birch, or Spice Birch) is a species of birch native to eastern North America, from southern Maine west to southernmost Ontario, and south in the Appalachian Mountains to northern Georgia.

Blueberries are perennial flowering plants with indigo-colored berries in the section Cyanococcus within the genus Vaccinium (a genus that also includes cranberries and bilberries). Species in the section Cyanococcus are the most common[1] fruits sold as "blueberries" and are native to North America (commercially cultivated highbush blueberries were not introduced into Europe until the 1930s).

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

http://www.azlyrics.com/a/alanparsonsproject.html

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
"The Cask Of Amontillado"

BY the last breath of the four winds that blow
I'll have revenge upon Fortunato
Smile in his face I'll say "come let us go
I've a cask of Amontillado"

Sheltered inside from the cold of the snow
Follow me now to the vault down below
Drinking the wine as we laugh at the time
Which is passing incredibly slow

(What are these chains that are binding my arm?)
Part of you dies each passing day
(Say it's a game and I'll come to no harm)
You'll feel your life slipping away

You who are rich and whose troubles are few
May come around to see my point of view
What price the Crown of a King on his throne
When you're chained in the dark all alone

(Spare me my life only name your reward)
Part of you dies each brick I lay
(Bring back some light in the name of the Lord)
You'll feel your mind slipping away

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
"Pyromania"

There are pyramids in my head!
There's one underneath my bed!
And my lady's getting cranky.
Every possible location
Has a simple explanation
And it isn't hanky-panky.

I have read, somewhere in a book,
They improve all your food and your wine.
It's said that everything you grow in your garden will pretty fine,
Instead, all I ever get is a pain in the neck and a
Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap!

I've consulted all the sages,
I could find in the yellow pages,
But there aren't many of them...
And the mayan panoramas
On my pyramid pajamas
Haven't helped my little problem.

I've been told someone in the know
Can be sure that his luck is as good as gold,
Money in the bank and you don't even pay for it if you fold
A dollar in the shape of the pyramid that's printed on the back.

It's no lie.
You can keep the edge of a razor as sharp as an eagle's eye.
You can grow a hedge that is vertically straight, over ten feet high.
All you really need is a pyramid and just a little luck.

I have read, somewhere in a book,
They improve all your food and wine
And I've been told,
Someone in the know
Can be sure of his good luck and it's no lie.
All you really need is a little bit of pyramidic
Help!

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
"May Be A Price To Pay"

Something's wrong in this House today
While the Master was riding the Servants decided to play
Something's wrong in this House today
Something's been going on there may be a price to pay.

There's evil brewing, getting out of control
And I'm helpless I can't put it right
Something unrighteous is possessing my soul
And it's cold in the heat of the night

Something's wrong in this House today
While the Sorcerer slept the Apprentice decided to play

While the Master was hiding the Servants decided to play
Might be too much Sun or too much of something in the Air
Whatever's happening nobody else is aware

There's evil brewing, getting out of control
And I'm helpless I can't put it right
Something unrighteous is possessing my soul
And it's cold in the heat of the night

Something's wrong in this House today
Something's been going on there may be a price to pay.

THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT
"Time"

Time, flowing like a river
Time, beckoning me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river
To the sea

Goodbye my love, Maybe for forever
Goodbye my love, The tide waits for me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea, to the sea

Till it's gone forever
Gone forever
Gone forevermore

Goodbye my friends, Maybe forever
Goodbye my friends, The stars wait for me
Who knows where we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea, to the sea

Till it's gone forever
Gone forever
Gone forevermore

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit, so she called a repairman. He couldn't give an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, all the time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Sick him, Spike!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There_once_was_a_man_from_Nantucket

"There once was a man from Nantucket" is the opening line for many limericks. The popularity of this literary trope can be attributed to the way the name of the island of Nantucket lends itself easily to humorous rhymes and puns, particularly ribald ones. In the many vulgar versions, which were not published until many years after they were well known, the protagonist is typically portrayed as a well-endowed, hypersexualized persona.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset,
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
And he said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
he said with crass
as he lubed up his ass
I found a place to tuck it.

Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, he drove up and said, 'Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died. 'Chuck replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government.

http://zombie-forum.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=346

1. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat their fingers separately!

2. Why did the zombie go to the hospital?
He wanted to learn a few sick jokes!

3. Why did the zombie lose the lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!

4. The baby zombie asks her mother “Mommy, do I have daddy’s eyes?” The mother says “Yes you do honey! Now eat them before they get cold!”

5. What’s a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head and shoulders!

6. What do you do if there’s a zombie coming towards you?
Hope it’s halloween!

7. What did one zombie say to the other zombie when they were eating a comedien?
This tastes funny!

8. What streets do zombies like best?
Dead Ends!

9. What did the vegeterian say when turned into a zombie?
Graaiiiinnnnss!! GRAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNS!!!

10. What did the zombie eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790724/quotes

Jack Reacher (2012)
Quotes

Jack Reacher: You think I'm a hero? I am not a hero. And if you're smart, that scares you. Because I have nothing to lose.

Jack Reacher: I mean to beat you to death, and drink your blood from a boot.

Jack Reacher: Look out the window. Tell me what you see. You see the same things that you see everyday. Well, imagine you've never seen it. Imagine you spent your whole life in other parts of the world, being told everyday that you're defending freedom. Then you finally decide you've had enough. Time to see what you've given up your whole life for, everything. Get some of that "freedom" for yourself. Look at the people. You tell me which ones are free. Free from debt. Anxiety. Stress. Fear. Failure. Indignity. Betrayal. How many wish that they were born knowing what they know now? Ask yourself how many would do things the same way over again, and how many would live their lives like me.

Sandy: [sits down at Reacher's table] Mind if I share your table?
Jack Reacher: [gives a nod]
Sandy: I'm Sandy.
Jack Reacher: So was I, last week. On a beach in Florida.
Sandy: [grabs Reacher's beer] What's your name?
Jack Reacher: Jimmie Reese.
Sandy: You don't look like a Jimmie.
Jack Reacher: What do I look like?
Sandy: I don't know, but not a Jimmie. So you're new in town?
Jack Reacher: Usually.
Sandy: It's kind of loud in here. Do you wanna, maybe, go someplace quieter? I have a car.
Jack Reacher: Are you old enough to drive?
Sandy: I'm old enough to do a lot of things.
Jack Reacher: I'm on a budget, Sandy.
Sandy: [perplexed] What?
Jack Reacher: I can't afford you.
Sandy: I'm not a hooker.
Jack Reacher: Oh, then I *really* can't afford you.

Jack Reacher: What I mean is the cheapest woman tends to be the one you pay for.
Sandy: [stands up, angrily] I am *not* a hooker!
Jack Reacher: Well, a hooker would get the joke.
Jeb: [enters with his four buddies] What's this?
Sandy: He called me a whore.
Jeb: Is that true?
Jack Reacher: Nobody said "whore". She inferred "hooker", but I meant "slut".
Punk: Hey! That's our sister.
Jack Reacher: She a good kisser?
Jeb: Hey! Outside!
Jack Reacher: Pay your check first.
Jeb: I'll pay later.
Jack Reacher: You won't be able to.
Jeb: You think?
Jack Reacher: All the time. You should try it.
Jeb: That's a great joke, but I'm gonna beat your ass. Do you want to do that here or outside?
Jack Reacher: [sighs] Outside.
[gets up]
Jeb: Stay here, Sandy.
Sandy: I don't mind the sight of blood.
Jack Reacher: [walks by Sandy] When it means you're not pregnant, anyway

Sandy: [Sandy, Jeb and four other guys all surround Reacher outside a bar]
[to Reacher]
Sandy: You still think you're funny now, creep?
Jeb: Shut your mouth, Sandy! No one is talking to you!
Jack Reacher: It's your last chance to walk away.
Jeb: [chuckles] Are you kidding? It's five against one.
Jack Reacher: [shakes his head] It's *three* against one.
Jeb: [perplexed] *How* do you figure?
Jack Reacher: Well, once I take out the leader, which is you, I'll have to contend with one or two enthusiastic wingmen. The last two guys, they always run.
Jeb: Oh, you, uh, you've done this before?
Jack Reacher: [reluctantly nods] It's getting late.
[Jeb moves in]
Jack Reacher: Remember, you wanted this.
[Jeb smiles and swings at Reacher, who ducks and elbows Jeb in the forehead, who falls to the ground]
Jack Reacher: It's okay.
[helps Jeb up]
Jack Reacher: Get up.
[kicks Jeb in the groin from behind, Jeb groans and Reacher pushes him aside with his foot. The other four move in closer]
Jack Reacher: Okay, let me know who's who. Let's get this done.
[Reacher easily takes down the other four, with him holding the last guy's foot under his arm. Two of the guys get up and both stare at Reacher with fear]
Jack Reacher: Really?
[kicks the last guy in the chest, who screams as he falls to the ground. The two guys run away as the cops come. Sandy runs away as well]
Cop: [points his gun at Reacher] On the ground.
Jack Reacher: That's a pretty impressive response time, fellas.
Cop: Do it!
[Reacher reluctantly gets down on the ground, next to a groaning Jeb]
Cop: Hands behind your back.
Jack Reacher: [to Jeb] Who hired you?

This guy was deer hunting in North Carolina. He shoots a deer, and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by this redneck game warden who asks to see his hunting license. The hunter shows him the license, and is about to leave, when the game warden says,

"Not so fast, boy. I need to inspect the deer."

The game warden reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out then sniffs his finger. The game warden gets angry and says,

"Wait a minute boy! This here ain't no North Carolina deer. This here is a Virginia deer! You need to have a Virginia Hunting License to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting License on you boy?"

Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in Virginia the week before. He goes back into his wallet and pulls out a Virginia Hunting License. The game warden looks at the valid license and says disappointedly,

"Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go. I really do enjoy writing up boys like you who hunt deer without a license, but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, get out of here."

The following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deer and as he is dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the same game warden who says,

"Just a minute boy. I need to inspect the deer." He reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out, sniffs his finger and says,

"Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer! You got a South Carolina Hunting License?"

The hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the truck. He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the game warden, who again has to let him go.

So this goes on for the next three weeks. Each week the hunter shoots a deer; one each from Georgia, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Each time the game warden stops to do the finger test, and each time the hunter is able to produce the correct license.

Finally, after the West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious.

"Boy! You got a hunting license from every state in the South! Where the Hell you from anyway?"

The hunter drops his pants, bends over, and says, "You tell me!"

http://www.dailyfinance.com/photos/25-unusual-ways-to-make-quick-money/#!slide=980291

ways to make money

You can legally trade plasma for cash in the U.S., the fluid in which your blood corpuscles and other tiny bits circulate through your blood system. In most larger cities, there are clinics that will pay you up to $35 or so for some of your plasma, which you can donate twice a week. The process, which involves taking blood, draining off the plasma and returning the remains to your system, takes around half an hour to an hour. To donate, you'll need to be relatively healthy and drug free.

The hirsute can also make some quick cash by selling off their hair. Hair must be at least ten inches long, and uncolored. Well tended (not over-shampooed or sun damaged) hair is worth more. Web sites such as The Hair Trader serve as a market for those looking to sell or buy hair. Sales announced on the site range from several hundred to over a thousand dollars for a generous length of tresses.

Some mothers who find themselves with an overabundance of breast milk have taken to offering the extra for sale on the Internet. However, the trade, of questionable legality and fraught with health issues, remains rather clandestine and we can't recommend it, even in a pinch.

There are a lot of part-time jobs you can get in order to turn a quick buck, but exercising the babysitting option is one of the most immediately lucrative. Reliable babysitters are in high demand. You can almost name your price. Babysitters earn upwards of $15 an hour these days. Offer to sit for friends' kids Friday or Saturday night. The parents will be only too happy to hand you cash when they return.

Other quick cash options? House-sit for friends of friends (friends by definition, will expect you to feed their cat and take in their mail for free. People you only know by association won't).

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

http://aliciadaniel.com/?p=473

Homeland Security

It was created in 2002 as part of the Patriot Act, in direct response to the September 11, 2001 terror attacks on the United States.

The creation of the department represents the most significant reorganization of the government since 1947, when the National Security Act was passed. This act was in response to the Cold War and created the CIA, among other things.
Though the agency is charged with prot

Though the agency is charged with protecting the “homeland” and is therefore distinct from the military, which protects abroad, the Department of Homeland Security later absorbed the US Coast Guard, which previously fell under the Department of Defense, along with the other branches of the military.

In 2003, the Department of Homeland Security absorbed the Immigration and Naturalization Service. The INS was then divided into two agencies: Immigration and Customs Enforcement and Citizenship and Immigration Services.

A chicken farmer walked up to the ticket window at the theater and the ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. the old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "Hell, at our age, we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too,' said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn."

http://aliciadaniel.com/?p=473

Once the Department of Homeland Security was complete, it represented the most diverse merger of federal functions, incorporating 22 agencies under one organization.

Former Pennsylvanian governor Tom Ridge was the first Secretary of Homeland Security. He had been appointed by President George W. Bush as the Assistant to the President for Homeland Security in October of 2001, before the Department of Homeland Security was created.

The Department of Homeland Security has been located at its “temporary headquarters” on Nebraska Avenue, across from American University in Washington DC, since its inception. Permanent office space has been secured for the department at the St. Elizabeth’s Hospital Complex. However, the soonest personnel could begin moving into this complex is 2012, a full ten years after the creation of the department.

The seal of the department carries several important symbols. The shield in the center is divided into three sections, for land, sea and air. The air has 22 stars in the night sky, representing the 22 agencies that came together to form the department. The 13 arrows in the eagle’s left claw and the 13 olive branches in his right claw represent the 13 original colonies.

The development of the Department of Homeland Security created new jobs and job titles within the government, including the creation of federal air marshals, who ride on commercial airline flights to protect passengers and crew.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house be cause she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

http://aliciadaniel.com/?p=473

The Department of Homeland Security developed the “terror threat” advisory system scale that we use today. It reports the current threat level of terrorism on a scale from “low” to “severe”.

The seal of the department carries several important symbols. The shield in the center is divided into three sections, for land, sea and air.

The air has 22 stars in the night sky, representing the 22 agencies that came together to form the department. The 13 arrows in the eagle’s left claw and the 13 olive branches in his right claw represent the 13 original colonies.

The development of the Department of Homeland Security created new jobs and job titles within the government, including the creation of federal air marshals, who ride on commercial airline flights to protect passengers and crew.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!

http://www.londonpass.com/things-to-do-in-london/top-10-things-to-do-in-london.html#.UkeZYiijIqY

things to see in london

1. Tower of London remains one of the most popular tourist attractions in London. Complete with tales of historical drama, infamous Beefeaters, the Crown Jewels and the Royal Armouries, a visit to the Tower is a must for all visitors to London.

Tower Bridge Exhibition. Built in 1894, this is one of the best known and most iconic bridges in London. Visit the Tower Bridge Exhibition and you'll not only learn about the history of the Bridge but you'll also enjoy breathtaking views of London from the high-level walkways - a perfect photo opportunity

St Paul's Cathedral is another popular tourist attraction in London and it’s one of the most beautiful too. The Cathedral is home to the tombs of great historical figures such Lord Nelson and the Duke of Wellington

. Windsor Castle. Located just outside of London, it is the oldest and largest occupied castle in the world. It has been the official residence of the British sovereign for over 900 years and the amazing State Apartments are a favourite with London tourists.

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh... Immediately she had the vacation tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh... immediately he turned ninety!

http://www.londonpass.com/things-to-do-in-london/top-10-things-to-do-in-london.html#.UkeZYiijIqY

Hampton Court Palace was the home of King Henry VIII. Not only is this one of the most breathtaking and legendary of all London palaces, it also boasts stunning gardens, a world famous hedge maze and more than one ghost.

Kensington Palace was home to the late Princess Diana and birthplace of Queen Victoria. This stunning palace can be found in the lovely Kensington Gardens surrounding the royal residence.

ZSL London Zoo is a great attraction in London for all the family. The zoo features the popular Gorilla Kingdom and Clore Rainforest Lookout which both get you closer than ever to primates of Africa and South America.

The London Bridge Experience is an attraction set within the arches of this historical bridge. Featuring real life actors, stunning special effects and animations, this is unique interactive adventure really does takes you back in time.

Tour of Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, an identical reconstruction of the original building which housed Shakespeare’s theatre in London. This open-air playhouse can be found in the banks of the Thames River and features an exhibition dedicated to both the play writer.

Thames River Cruise. The banks of the River Thames are lined up iconic landmarks such as Big Ben, Houses of Parliament, Canary Wharf and many more. Weaving through the heart of London the Thames River Cruise really is the best way to see the city.

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

The hottest places on Earth http://www.care2.com/causes/the-10-hottest-places-in-the-world.html

10. Wadi Halfa, Sudan

Situated in the far north of Sudan, on the shores of Lake Nasser, Wadi Halfa is a point of entry for those coming in from Egypt. The town that exists now is actually the new Wadi Halfa. The original Wadi Halfa was submerged when the Aswan High Dam created Lake Nasser in 1971. At the time, approximately 50,000 inhabitants of the area were forcibly removed from their lands and relocated to the desert, where many died of malaria and other diseases. A few Wadi Halfans, however, remain along the Nile, the river that built their ancestors’ identities as fishermen and river traders, building new settlements several times and finally settling on the current location when the flooding stopped.

Highest recorded temperature – 127 degrees F

Aghajari, Iran
Aghajari is a city in and the capital of Aghajari District, in Behbahan County, Khuzestan Province, Iran. In the 1980s it was actually a bustling hub, with almost 65,000 residents. Thanks to the Iran-Iraq War, however, most of the population fled, leaving behind only about 14,000 (Wikipedia).

Highest recorded temperature - 128 degrees F

Ahvaz, Iran

Ahvaz is built on the banks of the Karun River and is situated in the middle of Iran’s Khūzestān Province. Although it has a population of roughly 1,425,891, it is considered a desert, with long, extremely hot summers that often bring sandstorms and dust storms. In 2011, the World Health Organization ranked Ahvaz as the world’s most air-polluted city.

Highest recorded temperature - 128.3 degrees F

Tirat Zvi, Israel

Tirat Zvi is a religious kibbutz in the Beit She’an Valley, just west of the Jordan River and the Israel-Jordan border. The kibbutz has a population of less than 1,000 people. It operates a meat processing factory, Tiv, and is the largest date grower in Israel, with 18,000 trees.

Highest recorded temperature – 128.7 degrees F

Araouane, Mali

Araouane is a small village in the Malian Sahara, lying just over 150 miles north of Timbuktu on the caravan route to the salt-mining hub of Taoudenni. It contains three mosques although it is only home to about 300 inhabitants

Highest recorded temperature - 130.1 degrees F

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at the table behind them begins to cough weakly. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she's in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head in the negative.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm; the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it."

http://www.care2.com/causes/the-10-hottest-places-in-the-world.html

Timbuktu, Mali

Timbuktu is the capital of the Timbuktu Region, one of the eight administrative regions of Mali, which sits just north of the River Niger on the southern edge of the Sahara Desert. Like much of Mali, it has endured violence and conflict almost since its settlement, changing hands many times over the centuries. It had a population of 54,453 in the 2009 census.

Highest recorded temperature - 130.1 degrees F

Kebili, Tunisia

Kebili is the capital of the Kebili Governorate, and one of the oldest Oases in Tunisia and North Africa. Kebili holds the earliest hard evidence of human habitation in Tunisia (found near the town) and dates back about 200,000 years (Wikipedia).

Highest recorded temperature - 131 degrees F

Ghadames, Libya

Ghadames is an oasis town in southwestern Libya. With a population of about 10,000 the original part of the town, which is surrounded by a city wall, has been declared a UNESCO World Heritage site.

Highest recorded temperature - 131 degrees F

Al’Aziziya, Libya

Sometimes spelled El Azizia, this city is the capital of the Jafara district in northwestern Libya, situated just southwest of Tripoli. For a while, Aziziya was considered to hold the record for hottest temperature ever recorded on Earth, but that measurement was eventually found to be invalid by the World Meteorological Organization. It is still hotly contested.

Highest recorded temperature – 136.4* degrees F

Death Valley, USA

When the WMO stripped Al’Aziziya of its former record in 2012, it established California’s Death Valley as the hottest place on the planet. Situated within the Mojave Desert, it is the lowest and driest area in North America. The wettest month on record is January 1995 when a scant 2.59 inches of rain fell on Death Valley.

Highest recorded temperature – 134 degrees F

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timbuktu

Timbuktu

Timbuktu is a town in the West African nation of Mali situated 20 km (12 mi) north of the River Niger on the southern edge of the Sahara Desert. The town is the capital of the Timbuktu Region, one of the eight administrative regions of Mali. It had a population of 54,453 in the 2009 census.

Starting out as a seasonal settlement, Timbuktu became a permanent settlement early in the 12th century. After a shift in trading routes, Timbuktu flourished from the trade in salt, gold, ivory and slaves. It became part of the Mali Empire early in the 14th century. In the first half of the 15th century the Tuareg tribes took control of the city for a short period until the expanding Songhai Empire absorbed the city in 1468. A Moroccan army defeated the Songhai in 1591, and made Timbuktu, rather than Gao, their capital.

The invaders established a new ruling class, the arma, who after 1612 became virtually independent of Morocco. However, the golden age of the city was over and it entered a long period of decline. Different tribes governed until the French took over in 1893, a situation that lasted until it became part of the current Republic of Mali in 1960. Presently, Timbuktu is impoverished and suffers from desertification.

In its Golden Age, the town's numerous Islamic scholars and extensive trading network made possible an important book trade: together with the campuses of the Sankore Madrasah, an Islamic university, this established Timbuktu as a scholarly centre in Africa. Several notable historic writers, such as Shabeni and Leo Africanus, have described Timbuktu. These stories fueled speculation in Europe, where the city's reputation shifted from being extremely rich to being mysterious. This reputation overshadows the town itself in modern times, to the point where it is best known in Western culture as an expression for a distant or outlandish place.

On 1 April 2012, one day after the capture of Gao, Timbuktu was captured from the Malian military by the Tuareg rebels of the MNLA and Ansar Dine.[2] Five days later, the MNLA declared the region independent of Mali as the nation of Azawad.[3] The declared political entity was not recognized by any local nations or the international community and it collapsed three months later on 12 July.

On 28 January 2013, French and Malian government troops began retaking Timbuktu from the Islamist rebels.The force of 1,000 French troops with 200 Malian soldiers retook Timbuktu without a fight. The Islamist groups had already fled north a few days earlier, having set fire to the Ahmed Baba Institute, which housed many important manuscripts. The building housing the Ahmed Baba Institute was funded by South Africa, and held 30,000 manuscripts. BBC World Service radio news reported on 29 January 2013 that approximately 28,000 of the manuscripts in the Institute had been removed to safety from the premises before the attack by the Islamist groups, and that the whereabouts of about 2,000 manuscripts remained unknown.It was intended to be a resource for Islamic research.

On 30 March, jihadist rebels infiltrated into Timbuktu just nine days prior to a suicide bombing on a Malian army checkpoint at the international airport killing a soldier. Fighting lasted until 1 April, when French warplanes helped Malian ground forces chase the remaining rebels out of the city center.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

http://facts.randomhistory.com/halloween-facts.html

halloween facts

Because the movie Halloween (1978) was on such a tight budget, they had to use the cheapest mask they could find for the character Michael Meyers, which turned out to be a William Shatner Star Trek mask. Shatner initially didn’t know the mask was in his likeness, but when he found out years later, he said he was honored.h

The first Jack O’Lanterns were actually made from turnips.

Halloween is the second highest grossing commercial holiday after Christmas.f

The word “witch” comes from the Old English wicce, meaning “wise woman.” In fact, wiccan were highly respected people at one time. According to popular belief, witches held one of their two main meetings, or sabbats, on Halloween night.

An intense and persistent fear of Halloween is called Samhnainophobia Samhainophobia is the fear of Halloween.

Fifty percent of kids prefer to receive chocolate candy for Halloween, compared with 24% who prefer non-chocolate candy and 10% who preferred gum.

The owl is a popular Halloween image. In Medieval Europe, owls were thought to be witches, and to hear an owl's call meant someone was about to die.

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."

Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.

http://facts.randomhistory.com/halloween-facts.html

According to Irish legend, Jack O’Lanterns are named after a stingy man named Jack who, because he tricked the devil several times, was forbidden entrance into both heaven and hell. He was condemned to wander the Earth, waving his lantern to lead people away from their paths.g

The largest pumpkin ever measured was grown by Norm Craven, who broke the world record in 1993 with a 836 lb. pumpkin.

Stephen Clarke holds the record for the world’s fastest pumpkin carving time: 24.03 seconds, smashing his previous record of 54.72 seconds. The rules of the competition state that the pumpkin must weigh less than 24 pounds and be carved in a traditional way, which requires at least eyes, nose, ears, and a mouth.

Trick-or-treating evolved from the ancient Celtic tradition of putting out treats and food to placate spirits who roamed the streets at Samhain, a sacred festival that marked the end of the Celtic calendar year.

“Souling” is a medieval Christian precursor to modern-day trick-or-treating. On Hallowmas (November 1), the poor would go door-to-door offering prayers for the dead in exchange for soul cakes.

The first known mention of trick-or-treating in print in North America occurred in 1927 in Blackie, Alberta, Canada

Ok, Stanley is trying to get into a fraternity at the University of Alaska. In order to join he has to drink a pint of moonshine, kill a grizzly bear, and rape an Eskimo woman. So he grabs the pint and guzzles it in 5 seconds, then he wanders off for his next task. 2 hours pass, then he is sighted staggering back to the frat house. His clothes are torn to shreds. "OK, he bellows, "Where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

http://facts.randomhistory.com/halloween-facts.html

Halloween” is short for “Hallows’ Eve” or “Hallows’ Evening,” which was the evening before All Hallows’ (sanctified or holy) Day or Hallowmas on November 1. In an effort to convert pagans, the Christian church decided that Hallowmas or All Saints’ Day (November 1) and All Souls’ Day (November 2) should assimilate sacred pagan holidays that fell on or around October 31.

Black and orange are typically associated with Halloween. Orange is a symbol of strength and endurance and, along with brown and gold, stands for the harvest and autumn. Black is typically a symbol of death and darkness and acts as a reminder that Halloween once was a festival that marked the boundaries between life and death.

Ireland is typically believed to be the birthplace of Halloween.

With their link to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (a precursor to Halloween) and later to witches, cats have a permanent place in Halloween folklore. During the ancient celebration of Samhain, Druids were said to throw cats into a fire, often in wicker cages, as part of divination proceedings

Scarecrows, a popular Halloween fixture, symbolize the ancient agricultural roots of the holiday.

Halloween has variously been called All Hallows’ Eve, Witches Night, Lamswool, Snap-Apple Night, Samhaim, and Summer’s End.

Halloween was influenced by the ancient Roman festival Pomona, which celebrated the harvest goddess of the same name. Many Halloween customs and games that feature apples (such as bobbing for apples) and nuts date from this time. In fact, in the past, Halloween has been called San-Apple Night and Nutcrack Night.

Scottish girls believed they could see images of their future husband if they hung wet sheets in front of the fire on Halloween. Other girls believed they would see their boyfriend’s faces if they looked into mirrors while walking downstairs at midnight on Halloween

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, Maybe seven times . Just put me down for a five."

http://www.hauntedamericatours.com/ghosts/GHOSTSMYTHS.php

Ghost Myths

What you can't see can't hurt you!

This is the biggest misconception that many happen to make when exploring the actual world of paranormal activity and reported real hauntings.
When it comes to real ghosts and hauntings they can and will!

Marriages destroyed, money and securities lost and sometimes suicide. And all this because a ghost has set a real depression or state of control over ones personal actions.Not all ghosts as many would lead you to believe are considered harmless though televisions shows and many paranormal investigators and writers will often tell you otherwise. When hunting for real ghosts please be aware that you might be setting yourself up for more problems then one could imagine.

Paranormal experts,mediums, psychics, ghost Tour guides and authors know everything about real ghosts. Just because someone states a location is haunted it might in fact not be. Ghost tours seem to have more so then any other paranormal commercial industry blown many hauntings out of proportion. Especially in cities where more then one ghost tour is vying for you dollars.

Many who deal with ghosts such as ghost tour guides often become overly aggressive and their pompous attitudes are because in truth the fact that the ghosts around them are causing these character or personality shifts to occur and only close friends and family are aware.

REMEBER GHOST HUNTING BOOKS DO NOT EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

A: Hope it’s Halloween!!

http://www.hauntedamericatours.com/ghosts/GHOSTSMYTHS.php

A ghost will never follow you home from an investigation if you pray!
Yes they do follow you and have their own minds and beliefs!
Many paranormal investigators believe that the power of prayer has an effect on ghosts and paranormal activity.
In many cases this will work but only as they say the actual ghosts believes in it too.
One school of paranormal study dictates it is b

Yes you can and chances are good that you might! Many individuals have had ghosts effect them many days or months after a haunting.Real ghosts love to watch an individual for long periods of time before they make their move to infest a persons mind or take it over. Real ghosts will effect you in subtle ways in the beginning breaking you down step by step. Many acts of possession happen over a period of months not necessarily seconds of initial paranormal contact.

Ghosts do not wear clothes. Well lets say some do, and some don't. Ghost wardrobes can range from burial garb to a favorite outfit they loved in life. Many ghosts are seen wearing what they had on when they died. And also some ghosts tend to be clothes horses and change what they wearing just to suit a mood.

Ghosts can be made to leave a haunted location or stop haunting an individual.The truth is no one knows for sure what a ghost will or will not do. We all know that you should not provoke the dead to appear or perform parlor tricks like turning lights off and on, or touching someone to let hen know they are present. to accept this fact means you let your self open to possible possession. Many ghost will not leave a location they often will lay dormant until a new person enters the picture.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.

http://listverse.com/2007/10/21/top-10-historical-monsters/

Historical Monsters

Oni

Depictions of oni vary widely but they are usually portrayed as hideous, gigantic creatures with sharp claws, wild hair, and two long horns growing from their heads. They are humanoid for the most part, but occasionally, they are shown with unnatural features such as odd number of eyes or extra fingers and toes. Their skin may be any number of colors, but red and blue are particularly common. Their fierce appearance is only enhanced by the tiger loincloths they tend to wear and the iron club they favor. There is also a very obvious similarity here to devils in Judeo-Christian tradition.

Ogre

An ogre is a large, mean and hideous humanoid monster. Ogres are often depicted in fairy tales and folklore as feeding on human beings, and have appeared in many classic works of literature. Ogres are often portrayed with a large head, abundant hair and beard, a huge belly, and a strong body.

Vampire

Vampires are mythological or folkloric beings that are renowned for subsisting on human blood or life-force, but in some cases may prey on animals. Although vampires have different characteristics depending on which lore one reads, in most cases, they are described as reanimated corpses who feed by draining and consuming the blood of living beings. The term was popularized in the early 18th century and arose from the folklore of southeastern Europe, particularly the Balkans and Greece. Folkloric vampires were depicted as undead beings who visited loved ones and caused mischief or deaths in the neighborhoods they inhabited while living. They wore shrouds, did not bear fangs and were often described as bloated and of ruddy or darkened countenance.

Mummy

A mummy is a corpse whose skin and dried flesh have been preserved by either intentional or accidental exposure to chemicals, extreme cold, very low humidity, or lack of air. There are popular tales (largely tall) of curses which are associated with the violation of the tombs of mummified corpses or of the mummies themselves. These tales of curses eventually lead to the modern fictional view of walking mummies.

Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.

Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!

Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!

http://listverse.com/2007/10/21/top-10-historical-monsters/

Werewolf Germanic

Werewolves are mythological or folkloric people with the ability to shapeshift into a wolf or wolf like creature, either purposely by magic, or after being placed under a curse. The medieval chronicler Gervase of Tilbury associated the transformation with the appearance of the full moon; however, there is evidence that the association existed among the Ancient Greeks, appearing in the writings of Petronius. Some modern speculation has suggested that the belief in werewolves (and vampires) may stem from real medical cases of people suffering from porphyria.

Goblin Anglo-Saxon

A goblin is an evil, crabby, or mischievous creature of folklore, often described as a grotesquely disfigured or gnome-like phantom. Goblins may range in height from that of a dwarf to that of a human. They are attributed with various (sometimes conflicting) abilities, temperaments and appearances depending on the story and country of origin. In some cases, goblins have been classified as a constant annoying little creature somewhat related to the celtic brownie.

Ghoul Middle Eastern

A ghoul is a monster from ancient Arabian folklore that dwells in the burial grounds and other uninhabited places. In ancient Arabic folklore, ghouls belonged to a diabolic class of jinn (spirits – from whence the genie comes) and were said to be the offspring of Iblis, the Muslim prince of darkness (Satan). They were capable of constantly changing form, but their presence was always recognizable by their unalterable sign: ass’s hooves. It would lure unwary travelers into the desert wastes to slay and devour them. The creature also preyed on young children, robbed graves and ate the dead. Yum yum!

Banshee Celtic

According to legend, a banshee wails around a house if someone in the house is about to die. When several banshees appeared at once, it indicated the death of someone great or holy. The tales sometimes recount that the woman, though called a fairy, was a ghost, often of a specific murdered woman, or woman who died in childbirth. Banshees are frequently described as dressed in white or grey, and often having long, fair hair which they brush with a silver comb. Other stories portray banshees as dressed in green, red or black with a grey cloak.

Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!

Q: Why is Superman’s costume so tight?
A: Because he wears a size “S”.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cow and a monster?
A: An “udder” disaster!

Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!

http://www.biography.com/people/lou-reed-9453959

Lou Reed

Singer, songwriter and guitarist Lou Reed was born on March 2, 1942, in Brooklyn, New York. In 1965, he co-founded the Velvet Underground, a rock band managed by Andy Warhol. Reed went solo in the 1970s, scoring a hit with the song "Walk on the Wild Side" and releasing more than 16 albums, including Coney Island Baby and Berlin. He died on October 27, 2013, at age 71.

Reed graduated from Syracuse University, where he studied writing and film. After college, he moved to New York City and began writing songs for Pickwick Records.
In 1964, Reed scored a minor hit with the parody single "The Ostrich." Pickwick hired a band, including future Velvet Underground bandmate John Cale, to back Reed's vocals. The two became friends, collaborators and roommates.

Reed and Cale recruited Reed's college acquaintances, guitarist Sterling Morrison and drummer Maureen Tucker, to join a band they called the Velvet Underground. The group soon caught the attention of artist Andy Warhol, who incorporated them into his regular parties and introduced them to the New York art scene. Warhol claimed some ownership of the band, compelling them to take on European model Nico as a singer on their debut album. Despite their resistance, the first Velvet Underground album, called The Velvet Underground & Nico, is considered one of the most influential in rock history. Some of Reed's songs, including "Heroin," addressed his growing drug use.

In 1972, Reed released Transformer. Co-produced by David Bowie, the album contained the hit single "Walk on the Wild Side," which paid tribute to the hustlers and transvestites Reed had met through Andy Warhol, and the song "Perfect Day." The record is widely considered to be the pinnacle of Reed's solo career.

Following Transformer, Reed recorded a number of albums with wildly differing styles and cultivated an antagonistic and erratic persona.

In 2013, Lou Reed became very ill. He canceled several of his scheduled performances, including his appearance at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in March of that year. At the time, he blamed "unavoidable complications" for pulling out of these shows. It was later revealed that he had been suffering from liver failure. Reed expressed his desire to record new songs and return to performing, but he didn't get the chance to delve back into his music career for long. He died on October 27, 2013. He was 71 years old.

Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A: A sandwich!

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A nectarine!

“Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf.”
“Please be quiet and comb your face.”

Q: What kind of dessert does a ghost like?
A: I scream!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_X-Men_members

X-Men

Professor X Professor Charles Francis Xavier

X-Men, vol. 1 #42 (1968, backup story) (in flashback) Xavier founded the X-Men and was the original headmaster of the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning.

Deceased: Killed by Phoenix Force possessed Cyclops in Avengers Vs. X-Men #11.

Powers: World's most powerful telepath, capable of astral projection, mind control, illusion casting, memory manipulation, psychic blasts, and sensing the presence of nearby mutants.

Cyclops Scott Summers

Xavier's first recruit and has often been the group's field leader. Former headmaster of the Xavier Institute, the former leader of the original X-Factor,and the current leader an offshoot X-Men team. He also formerly led the X-Men's X-Force squad. He is the ex-husband of Madelyne Pryor, the widower of Jean Grey and ex-boyfriend of Emma Frost.

Currently seen in Uncanny X-Men.

Powers: Projects a beam of ruby-colored concussive force from his eyes, which act as interdimensional apertures between this universe and another.

Iceman Robert Louis "Bobby" Drake

X-Men, vol. 1 #46 (1968, backup story) (flashback)

Second and youngest member of the original team. Former member of the Champions, the Defenders, and X-Factor. Currently a senior staff member at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning.

Currently seen in Wolverine and the X-Men, and All-New X-Men.

Powers: Generates freezing temperatures to create and manipulate ice. Can transform his body into ice.

Angel/Archangel Warren Kenneth Worthington III

X-Men, vol. 1 #56 (1969, backup story) (flashback)

Third original team member and the only one to have acted as a costumed hero before joining the X-Men. Former member of the Champions, the Defenders, X-Factor, and X-Force. He was killed by Psylocke with a life seed in Uncanny X-Force, vol. 1 #18 (2011). His body was reanimated with a completely different identity.

Currently a graduate student at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning.

Currently seen in Wolverine and the X-Men and All-New X-Men.

Powers: Makes use of the large, feathered wings on his back for natural flight. Also has eagle-like vision and blood with regenerative properties. Can transform into a blue-skinned form with metallic, techno-organic wings, sharp metallic claws, and enhanced physical abilities.

Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.

Q: What do birds say on Halloween?
A: Twick o tweet

Q: What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel,
a Poodle and a ghost?
A: A cocker poodle boo.

Q: What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
A: Mummies!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_X-Men_members

Beast Dr. Henry Philip "Hank" McCoy

X-Men, vol. 1 #53 (1969, backup story) (flashback)

Original team's other scientist. Former member of the Avengers, the Defenders, and X-Factor and currently is an agent of S.W.O.R.D. and Steve Rogers's Secret Avengers. Currently the vice principal at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning.
Currently seen in Wolverine and the X-Men, All-New X-Men and New Avengers.

Powers: Has superhuman strength, speed, stamina, agility, reflexes, and durability. His feline-like form gives him night vision, minor pheromone control, enhanced senses and claws.

Marvel Girl/Phoenix Jean Grey-Summers
X-Men, vol. 1 #1 (1963)

Fifth and final of the team's founding members, although she had met Xavier before the others. Ex-wife of Scott Summers. She was killed by Kuan-Yin Xorn in New X-Men, vol. 1 #150 (2004) and was later resurrected by the Phoenix Force in X-Men: Phoenix – Endsong (2005) as White Phoenix of the Crown.

Currently in the "White-Hot Room" with other incarnations of the Phoenix Force.
Powers: Possesses telekinesis and telepathy. As the template of the Phoenix Force, she is able to generate unlimited amounts of energy, travel through time-space, and manipulate matter on a subatomic level.

Mimic Calvin Montgomery Rankin

X-Men, vol. 1 #27 (1966)

Blackmailed his way to the X-Men's house. He stole their powers, used them against the team, and kidnapped Jean. When he tried to enhance his powers with his dead father's machine, he lost them. Professor X then erased his memory. Former member of Norman Osborn's X-Men. Rejoined to help his friend Weapon Omega.

Last seen in X-Men: Legacy.

Powers: Copies other mutants' powers and abilities, sometimes permanently. Retains the original five X-Men's powers indefinitely.

Changeling Kevin Sydney

X-Men, vol. 1 #40 (1968)

(as Professor X) Member of the villainous Factor Three before he secretly joined the X-Men, known only to Professor X and Jean Grey. He impersonated Professor X at Xavier's request in X-Men, vol. 1 #40 (1968) (behind the scenes). Given the name Morph in several alternate dimensions.

Deceased: Died impersonating Xavier in X-Men, vol. 1 #42 (1968), making him the first X-Man to die.

Powers: Shapeshifter able to assume other humanoid forms; a latent telepath.

Polaris Lorna Dane
X-Men, vol. 1 #60 (1969) as Lorna Dane

Polaris is Magneto's daughter. Officially recruited into the team by Professor X in "The X-Men" Vol. 1 #65. Active as Magnetrix in X-Men: The Hidden Years #3 (2000) and as Polaris in The X-Men, vol. 1 #97 (1976). She lost her powers on M-Day, but they were restored technologically by Apocalypse. Occasional girlfriend of Havok. Former member of X-Factor, the Acolytes, the Muir Island X-Men, and

Starjammers. She is a current member of X-Factor Investigations.
Last seen in X-Factor.

Powers: Generates magnetic fields to manipulate metal, induce flight, create force fields, and harness energy blasts.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_X-Men_members

Havok Alexander Summers

X-Men, vol. 1 #65 (1970)

Alex is Cyclops' and Vulcan's brother. Officially recruited into the team by Professor X in "The X-Men" Vol. 1 #95. Occasional boyfriend of Polaris and is the former leader of X-Factor and Starjammers. He currently leads the Uncanny Avengers.

Currently seen in Uncanny Avengers

Powers: Generates plasma blasts and absorbs cosmic energy

Petra X-Men: Deadly Genesis #4 (2006) (retcon)

Retconned member. Student of Moira MacTaggert who joined the X-Men for Xavier's first, secret attempt to save the original X-Men from Krakoa.

Deceased: Killed in action in X-Men: Deadly Genesis #6 (2006) (flashback), though not before saving the lives of teammates Vulcan and Darwin.

Powers: Earth manipulation; can also change the composition of raw minerals

Sway Suzanne Chan Retconned member.

MacTaggert student who participated in the first attempt to save the original X-Men.

Deceased: Killed in action in X-Men: Deadly Genesis #6 (2006) (flashback).
Powers: Time control, as well as a form of retrocognitive projection.

Darwin Armando Muñoz Retconned member.

MacTaggert student who participated in the first attempt to save the original X-Men. Missing in action until brought out of suspended animation by the mutant energy released on M-Day. The only member of this X-Men incarnation to later rejoin the team.

Last seen in X-Factor.

Powers: Constant reactive evolution.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_X-Men_members

Vulcan Gabriel Summers
Retconned member and brother of Cyclops and Havok.

MacTaggert student who participated in the first attempt to save the original X-Men. MIA until brought out of suspended animation by the M-Day mutant energy release. Attacked the X-Men before leaving earth to attack the Shi'ara Empire and eventually marrying Deathbird and becoming Shi'ar emperor.

Deceased: Killed, along with Black Bolt, when the two battled in War of Kings #6 (2009).

Powers: Capable of manipulating different types of energy on a vast scale, including mutant energies. Can survive in the vacuum of space and can fly.

Nightcrawler Kurt Wagner

Giant-Size X-Men #1 (1975)

Son of Mystique. Former leader of Excalibur and a former Catholic priest.

Deceased: Killed by Bastion in X-Force, vol. 3 #26 (2010).

Powers: Neomorphic physiology grants him a prehensile tail, blue fur, invisibility in shadows, night vision, and wall-crawling. Possesses line-of-sight teleportation.

Wolverine James "Logan" Howlett

Nicknamed, and best known as, Logan.

Arguably the team's most iconic member. Former member of the US Army, Team X, Alpha Flight, Department H, Department K, and the Defenders. Member of the X-Men and the Avengers and leader of the secret X-Force squad.

Current Headmaster of the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning.

Currently seen in Wolverine, Savage Wolverine, Avengers, Uncanny Avengers, Wolverine and the X-Men, and All-New X-Men.

Powers: Healing factor (regeneration of tissue, immunity to virtually all toxins and pathogens, slowed aging process), enhanced senses, and retractable bone claws. Has the indestructible metal adamantium bonded to his skeleton, allowing enhanced physical attributes and sharp adamantium claws

Banshee Sean Cassidy

Former agent of Interpol,

mind-controlled operative of Factor Three, co-headmaster of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, and leader of X-Corps. Father of Siryn. Killed by Vulcan in X-Men: Deadly Genesis #2 (2006). Resurrected by the Apocalypse Twins as a new horseman of death.

Currently seen in Uncanny Avengers.

Powers: Sonic scream, flight, enhanced hearing.

Storm

Ororo Monroe (formerly Iqadi T'Challa-Wakandas)

Second field leader and longtime leader of the team. Has been a continual member of the main team longer than any other, from 1975 until 2000 excluding interim periods. Formerly married to T'Challa, the Black Panther, now divorced. Former member of the Fantastic Four. Current Headmistress of the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning.

Currently seen in Wolverine and the X-Men, All-New X-Men, X-Men, and Uncanny X-Force.

Powers: Weather manipulation (lighting bolts, wind, rain, etc.) and flight by "riding" wind currents.

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_X-Men_members

Sunfire Shiro Yoshida

Quit in X-Men, vol. 1 #94 (1975) after only one mission, but remained an ally for years afterward.

Confirmed depowered in New Avengers (2006), but regained his powers when he was transformed into Apocalypse's Horseman Famine. Partially freed from Apocalypse's influence by Mister Sinister.

Currently seen in Uncanny Avengers.

Powers: Generation of nuclear fire, flight by jet propulsion, absorption of and immunity to various kinds of radiation.

Colossus Piotr Nikolaievitch "Peter" Rasputin

Brother of Magik. Longtime romantic interest of Shadowcat. Former member of the Acolytes and Excalibur.

Died while releasing a cure for the Legacy Virus in Uncanny X-Men #390 (2001).

Revealed in Astonishing X-Men, vol. 3 #4 (2004) that Colossus was later restored to life by Ord.

Currently seen in Cable and X-Force.

Powers: Transforms into living organic metal form, granting superhuman strength and near-invulnerability. Can survive without oxygen or sustenance for long periods while in this form

Thunderbird John Proudstar

His younger brother, James Proudstar, a.k.a. Warpath,

is a member of the X-Men.
Deceased: Killed while attempting to stop Count Nefaria in X-Men, vol. 1 #95

(1975).Temporarily resurrected by Eli Bard using a form of the T-O Virus.
Powers: Superhuman strength, speed, and durability.

Sprite/Ariel/Shadowcat Katherine Anne "Kitty" Pryde

X-Men, vol. 1 #138 (1980) as Kitty Pryde Active as Sprite in X-Men, vol. 1 #139

(1980); active as Ariel in Marvel Graphic Novel #5 (1982); active as Shadowcat in Kitty Pryde & Wolverine #5 (1985). Former member of Excalibur. Former

Headmistress of the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning. Currently a teacher at the New Charles Xavier School for Mutants and a member of Cyclops' renegade faction of X-Men.

Currently seen in All-New X-Men and Uncanny X-Men

Powers: Can pass through solid matter ("phasing"), also allowing her to disrupt electronics and walk on air.

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...

They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads: 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign... It reads : 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico '

http://www.reuseit.com/facts-and-myths/use-and-toss-plastic-bottle-facts.htm

DISPOSABLE BOTTLES

2,480,000 tons of plastic bottles and jars were thrown away in one year (2008).

Tap water is cleaner, cheaper and healthier than store-bought water.

60 billion single-use drink containers were purchased in 2006, and 3 out of 4 were thrown out directly after use.

Plastic bottles are among the most prevalent source of pollution found on our beaches.

Plastic trash absorbs pre-existing organic pollutants like BPA and PCBs.

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him... "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

http://lifestyle.iloveindia.com/lounge/facts-about-vienna-1746.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vienna

Vienna is the capital and largest city of Austria, and one of the nine states of Austria. Vienna is Austria's primary city, with a population of about 1.757 million(2.4 million within the metropolitan area, more than 20% of Austria's population), as well as its cultural, economic, and political centre. It is the 7th-largest city by population within city limits in the European Union. Until the beginning of the 20th century it was the largest German-speaking city in the world, and before the splitting of the Austro-Hungarian Empire in World War I the city had 2 million inhabitants. Today it is the second only to Berlin in German speakers. Vienna is host to many major international organizations, including the United Nations and OPEC. The city lies in the east of Austria and is close to the borders of the Czech Republic, Slovakia, and Hungary. These regions work together in a European Centrope border region. Along with nearby Bratislava, Vienna forms a metropolitan region with 3 million inhabitants

Vienna is situated on the Danube River and is the largest city and the capital of Austria. Not only that, Vienna is also the Federal province of Austria.

It has the 3rd highest quality of living in European Union. People from Vienna are called Viennese.

The major religion of the people is Christianity. T

he major language spoken in Vienna is German. Surprisingly the voting age in Austria is only 16 years old.

Vienna is the only Austrian city-state in Austria, which is a federal republic.

Vienna is divided into 23 districts. The city center in Vienna is a World Heritage Site.

Vienna is known worldwide as the city of music and is home to great music hall with excellent acoustics.

http://lifestyle.iloveindia.com/lounge/facts-about-vienna-1746.html

Vienna is known worldwide as the city of music and is home to great music hall with excellent acoustics.

Vienna is the last great capital of the Nineteenth Century Ball.

The Museumsquartier, which is one of the largest cultural complexes in the world, is present In Vienna.

World famous classical composers, including Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Schubert, and Brahms, have all lived and performed in Vienna.

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

Vienna is considered as a city of cultural heritage. It is been home to various great artists Gustav Klimt, Sigmund Freud, Arthur Schnitzler

Tiergarten Schönbrunn, which is world’s oldest zoological garden, which was founded in 1752, is present in Vienna.

The largest emerald of the world, which is of a whopping 2860 caret, is displayed in the Imperial Treasury in Vienna.

The highest waterfall in Europe is in Kriml Falls, which is there in Vienna. The water falls 1,250 feet.

One of its only kind and one of the oldest Giant Wheel is there in Vienna, which is probably its one of the most familiar attractions. It is situated in a large wooded amusement park called as Prater. It has 15 Gondolas, which offers a scenic view of Vienna.

Europe’s second largest cemetery is situated at Vienna, which is called as Zentralfriedhof, which has a total size of 2.5 square kilometers/one square miles.
Zentralfriedhof also has over 2.5 million tombs, which is almost double than the city’s live population. It also has tombs of some of the most famous personalities of the world such as Beethoven, Brahms, Gluck, Schubert, Schoenberg, and Strauss.

A female peace activist was exploring some caves by the beach when she stumbled upon a very old antique looking lamp bottle. The woman picked up the bottle and proceeded to rub some of the sand off of it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a genie appeared from the bottle!

The genie just stared at the woman, and vice versa, until the shocked woman excitedly spoke:

"Are you a genie?" she asked.

"Yes." came the response.

"Does this mean I get three wishes?"

"Three wishes is only a fable," said the genie in return. "You only get one wish."

"Only one?"

"Yes. So what do you wish for?"

There was no hesitation from the woman who had dedicated her life to the quest for peace.

"I want peace in the Middle East," she said. " I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and vice-versa. I want it to be the start of world peace and harmony."

The genie thought for a moment...

"Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good! I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it can't be done. Please make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute.

"Well, I've never been able to find the right man for my life," she said. "You know, a man that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, loves kids and is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, cares about the environment, and is faithful. That is what I wish for, Genie... a good man."

The genie thought for a moment, let out a deep sigh and said, "Let me see about that peace in the Middle East.

http://www.jokebuddha.com/Thankful

Thanksgiving

According to a newspaper report, being thankful and gracious may help to extend your life. So thanks to the girl who gave me herpes.

1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!

2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!

3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!

4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!

5. Be thankful your server isn't down!

6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!

7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!

8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!

9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!

10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection! 11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.

No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what was the matter.

As I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”

He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.

“You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen
Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”
But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:
"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"

http://www.jokebuddha.com/Thankful

Thanksgiving

During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Thankful#ixzz2lWZ97Via

Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech

Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions more...

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

"What are you doing?" Bruno asked.

"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.

"That's cool!" Bruno said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"

Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing! I had to promise my wife I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.” They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave my wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail….. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned… how was it for you?”

The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

The first man asked, “How’s that?” “Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast…..she farted and flew out the window!”

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

http://greatist.com/health/30-sugar-substitutes-any-and-every-possible-situation

sugar substitutes

Agave Nectar History lesson time: The Aztecs used agave thousands of years ago and praised this syrup as a gift from gods. A derivative of the same plant as tequila (cheers!), this golden sweetener tastes similar to honey and is perfect in hot or iced tea. But be sure to use in moderation — agave's high fructose content can sometimes cross it in to the dangerfood zone!

Maple Syrup The benefits of maple syrup are aplenty: It comes directly from a plant’s sap and contains over 50 antioxidants. Make sure to grab the real stuff (sorry, Aunt Jemima) and spread it over waffles or use it in homemade granola.

Honey Thanks to bees, this scrumptious stuff packs an antioxidant punch. Enjoy some in hot tea to help soothe a scratchy throat, or get creative and add a spoonful to homemade salad dressing.

Applesauce Instead of a half-cup white sugar in a batch of oatmeal cookies, swap in an equal amount of applesauce! The natural sweetness from a Golden Delicious or Fuji apple is perfect in an after-dinner treat. Purchase the no sugar-added kind, or make some at home.

Lemon Fans of gin can skip the extra sugar in a Tom Collins and add an extra lemon squeeze— we promise no one will notice.

Cinnamon Spice up a morning cup of coffee with cinnamon. This super spice adds subtle sweetness while boosting immunity, no calories included.

Grapefruit For a daily dose of vitamin C, opt for grapefruit juice in a cocktail over soda or tonic water. It’ll add a sweet and sour kick to any beverage

A woman was waiting at the checkout at a busy supermarket, Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, Well, Ill be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!�

Don't worry,replied the checkout person. With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time.

http://greatist.com/health/30-sugar-substitutes-any-and-every-possible-situation

Grapefruit For a daily dose of vitamin C, opt for grapefruit juice in a cocktail over soda or tonic water. It’ll add a sweet and sour kick to any beverage.

Erythritol This sugar alcohol is practically a guilt-free sweet solution. (And the FDA says it’s safe!) At 0.2 calories per gram, the white powder from a plant occurs naturally in many fruits. Plus, it doesn’t lead to tooth decay and other not-so-sweet effects of sugar consumption. It’s not quite as sweet as natural sugar, so try it in chocolate baked goods like brownies.

Raisins For a creative spin on things, blend a cup of raisins in a food processer. With antioxidants and fiber, these little dried grapes add a kick to any baked good.

Unsweetened Cocoa Powder For a warm winter treat, mix some unsweetened cocoa powder in a glass of hot water or skim milk. It’ll satisfy that sweet tooth without all the extra sugar the sweetened version includes. Add a splash of vanilla extract for extra flavor!

Reb A Hailing from South America, this natural extract comes from the stevia plant and is recognized by the FDA as safe. Just a drop or two is all it takes to sweeten a bowl of oatmea

Cranberries Skip the cup of sugar and add cranberries to a batch of muffins or scones. These little tart treats add a dose of antioxidants refined sugar can’t offer.

Processed Dates Grab a bunch of dates for an extra boost of antioxidants in the next baking experiment [2]. With a low glycemic index and some subtle sweetness, it may be perfect for brownie batter or the base of homemade granola bars [3]. Substitute two-thirds cup for one cup of regular sugar.

Coconut Sugar Get a little tropical and use coconut sugar in a fruit smoothie. Made from the sap of coconut flowers, this natural sugar comes in block, paste, or granulated form. Plus, it’s loaded with potassium, which helps keep our bones strong.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, Where is Jesus today?

Steven raised his hand and said, Hes in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, Hes in my heart.

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, Wellevery morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells Jesus Christ, are you still in there?

http://www.rockwisdom.com/mainpage.htm

song quotes

All lies and jest, still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. - Simon and Garfunkel, The Boxer

All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars. - Rush, The Pass

An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind. - John Cougar Mellencamp, Minutes To Memories

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. - The Beatles, The End

Before you accuse me take a look at yourself. - Bo Diddley; Creedance Clearwater Revival; Eric Clapton, Before You Accuse Me

Bent out of shape from society's pliers, cares not to come up any higher, but rather get you down in the hole that he's in. - Bob Dylan, It's Alright, Ma

Different strokes for different folks, and so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby. - Sly and the Family Stone, Everyday People

Don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. - Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well

signs Santa Hates Your Kid

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

http://www.amusingplanet.com/2013/07/7-highest-cities-in-world.html

Highest cities in the world.La Rinconada in Peru is an old gold-mining camp in the remote Peruvian Andes, that has grown to ‘major city’ status. Over 50,000 people live in this mountainous city at an altitude of 16,732 feet (5,100 m). It lays claim to the title of “highest city in the world.”

The city of El Alto is one of Bolivia's largest and fastest-growing urban centers. With a population of over 1.1 million at an altitude of 13,615 feet (4150 meters), it is also one of the highest major cities in the world. At one time, El Alto was merely a suburb of the adjacent La Paz (see pictures of this incredible mountain city) on the Altiplano highlands, but due to the migration from Bolivia's rural areas to the La Paz region during the 1950s, the region grew and in less than 40 years laid claim to “city status” of its own.

Another candidate from Bolivia, Potosi, is located at an elevation of 13,420 ft (4,090 m). Founded in 1545 as a mining town, it soon produced fabulous wealth, becoming one of the largest cities in the Americas and the world, with a population exceeding 240,000 people. Potosi lies at the foot of the Cerro de Potosí - a mountain popularly conceived of as being made of silver ore, whose peak at 4,824 meters has always dominated the city. The Cerro Rico is the reason for Potosí's historical importance, since it was the major supply of silver for Spain during the period of the New World Spanish Empire. It is from Potosí, that most of the silver shipped through the Spanish Main came. During 1556 to 1783, 45,000 short tons of pure silver were mined from Cerro Rico of which 9,000 short tons went to the Spanish monarchy. Due to such extensive mining, the mountain itself has diminished in height by a few hundred meters.

Shigatse is the second largest city in the Tibet Autonomous Region (TAR) of the People's Republic of China. With a population of 100,000, it is one of the larger cities of Tibet. The city is located at an altitude of 12,600 ft (3,840 metres) at the confluence of the Yarlung Tsangpo (aka Brahmaputra) river and the Nyang River (Nyang Chu or Nyanchue) in west Tibet. Shigatse lies on flat terrain surrounded by high mountains, and the urban area is located just south of the Yarlung Zangbo River, located in the south-central Tibet Autonomous Region.

http://www.squiglysplayhouse.com/JokesAndRiddles/christmas.html

Q. What's white and goes up?
A. A confused snowflake!

Q. How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A. Just long enough to reach the ground!

Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum, you cant beat it!

Q. What says, "Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't?"
A. A snowman on a cross walk!

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker!

http://www.amusingplanet.com/2013/07/7-highest-cities-in-world.html

Juliaca is San Roman's capital city in the Puno Region, of southeastern Peru. It is the region's largest city with a population of 225,146 inhabitants (as of 2007) and located at 12,549 ft (3,825 metres) above sea level, on the Collao Plateau. It is the largest trade center in the Puno region. It is also a major transit point in the region and has strong ties with Peru's southern cities, including Arequipa, Puno, Tacna, Cuzco, Ilo, and with the Bolivian Republic.

Oruro

Founded on November 1, 1606 as a silver mining center in the Urus region, Oruro is now a major city in Bolivia with a population of 235,393 (2010 census), located at 12,159 ft (3,706 m) above sea level. After the silver mines exhausted, Oruro was reestablished in the late nineteenth century as a tin mining center. For a time, Oruro’s La Salvadora tin mine was the most important source of tin in the world. Gradually, this resource became less plentiful, and Oruro again went into a decline, although its primary employer is still the mining industry.

Lhasa

Located at the bottom of a small basin surrounded by the Himalaya Mountains, Lhasa has an elevation of about 11,800 ft (3,600 m) and lies in the center of the Tibetan Plateau with the surrounding mountains rising to 5,500 m (18,000 ft). The Kyi River (or Kyi Chu), a tributary of the Yarlung Zangbo River, runs through the southern part of the city. This river, known to local Tibetans as the "merry blue waves", flows through the snow-covered peaks and gullies of the Nyainqêntanglha mountains, extending 315 km (196 mi), and emptying into the Yarlung Zangbo River at Qüxü, forms an area of great scenic beauty.

Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
A: Polaroids!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
A: Because he thought his wife was a flake

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
A: Icebergers !

Q: What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
A: Snow and Tell.

Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.

Q: If you live in an igloo made of snow, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

http://mixthatdrink.com/the-12-cocktails-of-christmas/

Christmas drinks

EGGNOG
This makes a little over two quarts.

6 eggs
1 cup of sugar
3/4 cup brandy
1/3 cup dark rum(or bourbon)
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon of ground nutmeg
2 cups of whipping cream
2 cups milk
Refrigerate all the liquids and get them very cold before you make the drink. Beat the eggs at medium speed until they’re very frothy. Gradually add the sugar, vanilla and nutmeg as you continue beating. Now turn the mixer off and stir in the whipping cream, milk, brandy and rum. Chill it until you’re ready to serve. It’s best to keep it chilled at all times. Garnish each individual serving with the nutmeg sprinkled on top and a cinnamon stick.

The non-alcoholic version is exactly the same, except you leave out the alcohols. You can add rum flavoring if you want that taste.

Hot buttered rum

2 ounces of dark rum
cinnamon stick
1 pat butter
1 slice lemon peel
Boiled water

Put the cinnamon stick, lemon peel and rum in a mug. Fill it with boiling water (leave a spoon in the mug so the glass won’t break from the heat). Float the butter on top, then stir it in. Or serve it with the butter floating and let your guests stir it in with their cinnamon sticks.

Mulled Wine

Recipe
1 bottle red wine
1 cup cognac
3/4 cup sugar
2 cinnamon sticks
3 whole cloves
1 tsp grated nutmeg
1 vanilla bean
1 star anise
1 sliced orange
1 sliced lemon

Combine the ingredients in a sauce pan and simmer for 25 minutes. Let it sit overnight if possible (in the refrigerator is fine). Strain out the fruits and other non-drinkable ingredients and serve it warm in glass mugs.

Chocolate Peppermint Stick

Recipe
1 1/2 ounce white creme de cacao
1 ounce cream
1 ounce peppermint schnapps
Skake well with ice. Strain ingredients into chilled martini glasses. Garnish with a small peppermint candy cane (or, optionally, crush the candy cane and sprinkle it on top) and serve.

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, "I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S." The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys." Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." "Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/badsantajoke.html

http://mixthatdrink.com/the-12-cocktails-of-christmas/

Christmas Cookie

Recipe
1 ounce peppermint schnapps
1 ounce Kahlua
1 ounce Bailey’s
Combine the ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake thoroughly, then strain the ingredients into a chilled martini glass

Santa Shot.

Recipe
1 part grenadine syrup
1 part green creme de menthe
1 part peppermint schnapps

Pour grenadine to about 1/3 of your shot glass. Carefully layer the creme de menthe, then the peppermint schnapps.

Chocolate Raspberry Martini
December 7, 2010 in Cocktails 1 Comment

You can garnish this one in a few ways: put a few fresh raspberries in it, sprinkle cocoa powder across the surface, put a chocolate kiss or two in it, or any combination of the above. You can also rim the glass with sweetened cocoa powder and put fresh raspberries in the drink – that’s my personal favorite.

Recipe

1 1/2 ounce raspberry vodka
1 ounce white creme de cacao
Chill your ingredients beforehand. Pour them into a chilled martini glass – no need to stir or shake or anything.

Santa pick up lines

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!

5. Some of my best toys run on batteries...

4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.

3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?

2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!

1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/santapickuplinesjokes.html

http://mixthatdrink.com/the-12-cocktails-of-christmas/

The Red Hot Santa Tini

Recipe
2 ounces chili-infused vodka
2 ounces Godiva chocolate liqueur
Cocoa powder
Cayenne pepper
Sweetened whipping cream
One small Thai chili peppe

Mix some cocoa powder together with a pinch of cayenne pepper, and rim a chilled martini glass with it. Shake the vodka up with the chocolate liqueur and pour the mixture into the glass. Top it off with the whipping cream and garnish by floating the chili pepper on top of the cream.

Snowball

Recipe
3 ounces 1921 Tequila Cream Liqueur
3 drops of vanilla
crushed ice
1 ounce of evaporated skim milk
1/2 ounce Kahlua
cinnamon powder
cinnamon stick

Pour all the ingredients – except for the cinnamon powder – into a blender. Blend for about ten seconds. Pour it into a wine glass or brandy snifter. Sprinkle cinnamon powder on top and stick the cinnamon stick down in the glass for garnish.

Red Rudolph

1/2 ounce orange curacao
3/4 ounce cinnamon schnapps
1/2 ounce vodka
6 ounces cranberry juice
Heat the cranberry juice until it’s hot. Pour everything else into an Irish coffee mug and then slowly add the hot juice. The temperature of the drink will be warm. Top it with whipped cream and garnish with sugar sprinkles on top.

Candy Cane

Recipe
3/4 ounce SKYY Berry vodka
3/4 ounce peppermint schnapps
3/4 ounce white creme de cacao
1/4 ounce grenadine
Half ‘n’ half
Crushed hard peppermint candy

Mix the vodka, peppermint Schnapps, grenadine and creme de cacao with ice in a cocktail shaker. Be sure to shake it up thoroughly. Rim a cocktail glass with crushed hard peppermint candy and pour the shaken mixture into the glass. Top it off with half ‘n’ half.
Share !

FLORIDA GEORGIA LINE LYRICS
"Here's To The Good Times"

Let’s turn it up loud, mix it up strong
Lean it back slow, get your feel good on
Cut ’em off short, roll it up tight
Let it unwind tonight

Drop down the top down on the Pontiac
Where ever you wind up is where the party’s at
Break out the bottle of Bacardi black
And don’t look back ’cause

[CHORUS]
Here’s to the good times, here’s to the sunshine
Here’s to the ice you float your beer in
To the tops you pop and the tan lines disappearin’
Oh my, my
She’s a little bit tipsy
Leans in for a kiss, she’s stealin’ your heart just like a gypsy
And there you are just a drunken star, just fallin’ in her eyes
Here’s to the good times, while there’s still time

Well lay it all out, spray it on sweet
Carve it in oak and permanent ink
Park it way back, fog it on up
Singin’ ohh, ohh
Radio spillin’ from a single cab
She looks so good with her silver tabs
Hangin’ on a branch by the river
That’s a memory that’ll get you when you look back

[CHORUS]

Drop down the top down on the Pontiac
Where ever you wind up is where the party’s at
Break out the bottle of Bacardi black
And don’t look back ’cause

Here’s to the good times, here’s to the sunshine
Here’s to the ice you float your beer in
To the tops you pop and the tan lines disappearin’
Oh my, my
She’s a little bit tipsy
Leans in for a kiss, she’s stealin’ your heart just like a gypsy
And there you are just a drunken star, just fallin’ in her eyes
Here’s to the good times

Here’s to the good times and the moonshine
And the blue eyes under the moonlight
Here’s to the good times

LUKE BRYAN
"Drink A Beer"

When I got the news today
I didn't know what to say.
So I just hung up the phone.

I took a walk to clear my head,
This is where the walking lead
Can't believe you're really gone
Don't feel like going home

So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

Funny how the good ones go
Too soon, but the good Lord knows
The reasons why, I guess

Sometimes the greater plan
Is kinda hard to understand
Right now it don't make sense
I can't make it all make sense

So I'm gonna sit right here
On the edge of this pier
Watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer

So long my friend
Until we meet again
I'll remember you
And all the times that we used to...

...sit right here on the edge of this pier
And watch the sunset disappear
And drink a beer
Drink a beer,
Drink a beer.

ELI YOUNG BAND
"Drunk Last Night"

I got a little drunk last night
There's something 'bout a midnight rain
Staring at the ceiling fan
I couldn't get you off my brain

I guess I wasn't thinking straight
I couldn't tell wrong from right
I went ahead and called you up
I got a little drunk last night

Brought it all up, got it all out
What is it worth, to both of us now
It's off my chest, but never off my mind
Two drinks in, hit that hurt,
You feel bad, and I feel worse
I swear it's the last time every time
Don't know why

Might've been a song on the radio
Might've been nothing, baby I don't know
Might've been a little too tired to fight
Might've been I got a little drunk last night

I got a little too far gone
Heart was talking way too loud
I don't remember what I said
I just remember breaking down

Brought it all up, got it all out
What is it worth, to both of us now
It's off my chest, but never off my mind
Two drinks in, hit that hurt,
You feel bad, and I feel worse
I swear it's the last time every time
Don't know why

Might've been a song on the radio
Might've been nothing, baby I don't know
Might've been a girl who looked like you
Might've been a fluke, might've been a full moon
Might've been a little too tired to fight
Might've been I got a little drunk last night

Might've been a song on the radio
Might've been nothing, baby I don't know
Might've been a girl who looked like you
Might've been a fluke, might've been a full moon
Might've been a little too tired to fight
Might've been I got a little drunk

Brought it all up, got it all out
What is it worth, to both of us now
It's off my chest, but never off my mind
Two drinks in, hit that hurt,
You feel bad, and I feel worse
I swear it's the last time every time

I got a little drunk last night
I got a little drunk last night
Thought I could keep it all inside
But I got a little drunk last night

PARMALEE
"Carolina"

Home is where my heart is still beating
I don't know when I'll see her again
I hate to see her cry when I'm leaving
But now I'm a thousand miles away again

She feels like Carolina (feels like Carolina)
Looks like California (looks like California)
Shining like those New York lights on Broadway
When she looks back I'm behind her
I'll always be there for her
She makes me feel like home's not so far away
She feels like Carolina

It's hard to understand the way I'm living
I know you think I'm never coming home (never coming home)
But I miss your pretty smile, and I'm coming back in a little while
But I'm a thousand miles away again

She feels like Carolina (feels like Carolina)
Looks like California (looks like California)
Shining like those New York lights on Broadway
When she looks back I'm behind her
I'll always be there for her
She makes me feel like home's not so far away
She makes me feel like home's not so far away

No matter how far I go, you know I can't stop thinking about her
And there's nothing like the way I feel, the way I feel when I'm beside her
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

She feels like Carolina
Looks like California
Shining like those New York lights on Broadway
She feels like Carolina (feels like Carolina)
Looks like California
Shining like those New York lights on Broadway

When she looks back I'm behind her (feels like Carolina)
I'll always be there for her
She makes me feel like home's not so far away

Carolina
California

Like home's not so far away

She feels like Carolina (feels like Carolina)
Looks like California
She makes me feel like home's not so far away
She makes me feel like home (so far away)
She makes me feel like home's not so far away

http://www.historyofsoccer.info/

Soccer History

Soccer is one of the most popular sports in Europe and the Americas. It has a vivid and interesting history in the world of sports. Early evidence of soccer being played as a sport finds occurrence in China during the 2nd and 3rd centuries BC. In China, it was during the Han dynasty that people dribbled leather balls by kicking it into a small net. Recorded facts also support the fact that Romans and Greeks used to play ball for fun and frolic. Some facts point to Kyoto in Japan where kicking of ball was a popular sport.

It is said that early growth of the modern soccer started in England. Some amusing facts even mention that the first ball used was the head of some Danish brigand. It is said that during medieval times, the old form of soccer used to allow many ill practices like kicking, punching, biting and gouging. The main aim was to carry the ball to a target spot. People grew so fond of the game that they would throng the field all day long. Sometimes the competition grew fierce and masses got so wild that there were frequent incidents of violence during the game. It is also said that soldiers admired the game so much that they missed archery practice to watch it.

King Edward III banned soccer in 1365 owing to the growing incidents of violence and military indulgence in the sport. In 1424 King James I of Scotland also proclaimed in the Parliament— "Na man play at the Fute-ball" (No man shall play football)

In 1815, a major development took place that made soccer popular in Universities, Colleges and Schools. The popular English School and Eton College came forth with a set of rules, known as the Cambridge Rules. Football was segregated into two groups; some colleges and schools opted for Rugby rules that allowed tripping, shin kicking and also carrying the ball. These rules were exclusively prohibited as per the Cambridge rules.

Bob and his wife live in Toledo, Ohio. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

http://www.historyofsoccer.info/

The history of modern-day soccer was established in 1863. In October 1863, eleven representatives from London clubs and schools met at the Freemason’s Tavern to set up common fundamental rules to control the matches amongst themselves. The outcome of this meeting was the formation of the Football Association. In December 1863, the Rugby Football and Association football finally split as the supporters of the Rugby School rules walked out.

Firmly establishing the foundation of soccer in 1869, the Football Association strictly banned any kind of handling of the ball. Soccer’s popularity spread rapidly during the 1800s as British sailors, traders and soldiers introduced the sport to different parts of the globe.

Italians, Austrians and Germans drew to Europe, while Argentina, Uruguay and Brazil adopted the sport in South America. FIFA was established in the year 1904 and by early 1930s, different leagues were operating from various countries. FIFA is credited with organizing the first world cup in Uruguay. The history of soccer is rich with events, development and its growing craze all over the world. You will find yourself amazed as you learn about different times of this wonderful sport that has held our awe and admiration for over 3000 years.

A brunette is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the brunette returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The brunette nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that skipping."

http://www.rockwisdom.com/mainpage.htm

song quotes

A bullet had found him, his blood ran out as he cried. No money could save him, so he laid down and died. Ooh, what a lucky man he was. - Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, Lucky Man

A monkey was the President, though maybe not the first. And there was peace and harmony throughout the universe. - Tom T. Hall, The Monkey That Became President

7510 A nation with their freezers full are dancing in their seats, while outside another nation is sleeping in the streets. - Billy Bragg, Help Save The Youth Of America

7511 A politician's job they say is very high, for he has to choose who's got to go and die. - Black Sabbath, N.I.B.

A righteous cause, so without doubt or pause, I will do what my country asks of me. Make any sacrifice, we'll pay whatever price, so the children of tomorrow can be free. - Charlie Daniels Band, The Last Fallen Hero

A sucker punch came flying from somewhere in the back. As soon as we can see clearly with our big black eye, we're going to light up your world like the fourth of July. - Toby Keith, Old Glory

A system built by the sweat of the many creates assassins to kill off the few. - The Clash, Guns On The Roof

A tank of gas is a treasure to me. I know now that nothing is free. - Blink 182, Carousel

While shopping in a food store , two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section... One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

http://www.mesacc.edu/~scotz47781/mat120/notes/exponents/review/review.html

Rules for Exponents

Zero-Exponent Rule: a0 = 1, this says that anything raised to the zero power is 1.

Power Rule (Powers to Powers): (am)n = amn, this says that to raise a power to a power you need to multiply the exponents. There are several other rules that go along with the power rule, such as the product-to-powers rule and the quotient-to-powers rule.

Negative Exponent Rule: , this says that negative exponents in the numerator get moved to the denominator and become positive exponents. Negative exponents in the denominator get moved to the numerator and become positive exponents. Only move the negative exponents.

Product Rule: am ∙ an = am + n, this says that to multiply two exponents with the same base, you keep the base and add the powers

Quotient Rule: , this says that to divide two exponents with the same base, you keep the base and subtract the powers. This is similar to reducing fractions; when you subtract the powers put the answer in the numerator or denominator depending on where the higher power was located. If the higher power is in the denominator, put the difference in the denominator and vice versa, this will help avoid negative exponents.

A man was on his death bed. His wife was stroking his hand lovingly and speaking gentle words to him for the last time.

"I gotta tell you something honey,” said the man very weakly.

"No sweetie, it's all right, relax,” replied his wife.

The man took a deep breath and said, "I have to say that I cheated on you with your sister, your mother and your aunt!!"

The wife cooed, "Shhhh, I know, just relax and let the poison do its job."

http://shannak.myweb.uga.edu/funfacts.htm

cheese

What appears to be the remains of cheese have been found in Egyptian tombs over 4,000 years old.

Cheese was popular in ancient Greece and Rome, but fresh milk and butter were not. This was probably due to the fact that olive oil was available in the Mediterranean area, where the climate would have spoiled milk and butter quickly.

· The terms "Big Wheel" and "Big Cheese" originally referred to those who were wealthy enough to purchase a whole wheel of cheese.

Cheese takes up about 1/10 the volume of the milk it was made from.

Greek historian Xenophon (430?-355? B.C.) mentions that goat cheese had been known for centuries in Peloponnesus.

The first cheese factory to make cheese from scratch was started in Rome, New York in 1851 by Jesse Williams. He had his own dairy herd and purchased more milk from other local farmers to make his cheese. By combining the milk and making large cheeses he could produce cheese with uniform taste and texture. Before then, companies would buy small batches of home made cheese curd from local farmers to make into cheese, each batch of curds producing cheese with wide differences in taste and texture from one another.

In 2003, American s consumed 8.8 billion pounds of natural cheese. On a per capita basis, the average American ate 30.6 pounds of natural cheese in 2003. That's four pounds more per person than in 1994 and 19.5 pounds more than in 1970. Overall, Americans ate 1.8 billion pounds more cheese in 2003 than in 1994. Approximately half of that increase was supplied by California, the fastest-growing cheese producer.

Americans purchased $40 billion worth of cheese last year

The market value of all cheese consumed in the U.S. was nearly $40 billion in 2003. In addition to supermarket sales, this includes cheese sold through restaurants and fast food outlets, as well as the cheese sold as ingredients in frozen and packaged foods.

America has 440 cheesemakers. This includes more than 350 producers of specialty, artisan and farmstead cheeses. While most states have at least one cheese plant, more than two-thirds of the specialty cheesemakers in the country are located in just three regions - California, Wisconsin and New England. Many cheesemakers now invite visitors to stop by and sample cheese and learn more about Cheesemaking practices. For a visitor's map to California cheesemakers

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

The boy replied, "Eight."

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

http://thoughtcatalog.com/cody-delistrat...-on-growing-up/

Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others. – Virginia Woolf

The wisest are the most annoyed at the loss of time. – Dante Alighieri

The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes — naturally, no one wants to live any other way. – Judith Martin

Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience… and pimples. – J.M. Barrie

He wanted to care, and he could not care. For he had gone away and he could never go back anymore. The gates were closed, the sun was down, and there was no beauty left but the gray beauty of steel that withstands all time. Even the grief he could have borne was left behind in the country of youth, of illusion, of the richness of life, where his winter dreams had flourished. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

If your pregnant wife storms out of the kitchen in her new shoes to chew you out while you are watching the Super Bowl with your buddies, what have you done wrong?

A: You've made her chain too long.

What will your friends likely comment on?

A: You let her wear shoes?

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.

He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."

"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."

"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

Finally, the cabbie says, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

"My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me."

"Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic."

The cab driver says, "Yes, I am single, and I'm Catholic, too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess -- I'm married and I'm Jewish."

"That's OK," says the nun. "My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

One day a Hippie gets onto a bus. He sees a beautiful nun and sits next to her. He turns too the nun and says, ''Will you have sex with me?'' Surprised by the question, the Noun answers,''No!'' and gets off at the next stop.
After she gets off the bus the bus driver turns to the Hippie and says,''I over heard your conversation, and I think I know how you can get the Nun to have sex with you.'' The Hippie asks how'. The bus driver tells him that every night at around 12 o'clock the nun goes to the cemetary and prays. If you go there and dress up as God you can demand her to have sex with you. The Hippie, happy about his new knowledge decides to dress up as God the next night and go there. When he goes there he sees the nun praying. He goes up to her and says, ''I am God, I order you to have sex with me.'' The nun answers, ''Sure, but can it be anal because I don't want to loose my virginity.'' They agree and have thier way. After it is all done the Hippie rips off his mask and says, '' HAHA I'm the Hippie.'' Then the Noun rips off her mask and says, ''HAHA, I'm the bus driver!"

http://holidayinsights.com/history/history02.htm

February in history

Rock singers Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper died in a plane crash. (1959)

The board game Monopoly first went on sale.(1935)

Astronaut Alan Shepard hits three golf balls on the moon. (1971)

The Beatles come to the U.S. for the fist time. (1964)

The Boy Scouts were founded. (1910)

The Beatles appear on the Ed Sullivan show. (1964)

An act of Congress is passed authorizing the US Weather Bureau

Glenn Miller receives the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of a song. And the song....."The Chattanooga Choo Choo"

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

http://holidayinsights.com/history/history02.htm

An act of Congress is passed authorizing the US Weather Bureau

Glenn Miller receives the first ever gold record for selling a million copies of a song. And the song....."The Chattanooga Choo Choo"

France cedes Canada to England, ending the French and Indian War. (1763)

Robert Fulton patents the steamboat. (1809)

The Yalta agreement is signed by Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin. (1945)

Women in the Utah Territory win the right to vote. (1870)

The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre occurred. Mobsters, dressed as policemen, gunned down seven members of a rival gang. (1929)

The Post Office uses adhesive postage stamps for the first time. (1842)

Nylon is patented. But it won't become popular for a few more decades. (1937)

NBC TV begins it's first nightly newscast. (1948)

Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published.(1885)

A beautiful woman goes to see her doctor
After describing her symptoms, the doctor diagnoses her and recommends a suppository to treat her illness. The woman is uneasy about this and doctor offers to help her with it.
The next day the woman asks her husband for help with her suppository. She bends over, he places one hand on her shoulder and inserts the suppository into her.
"SHIT!" the woman screams.
"I'm so sorry, honey. Did I hurt you?" the husband is frantic with worry.
"No." the woman replies. "I just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands on my shoulders"

http://holidayinsights.com/history/history02.htm

18 A ninth planet is discovered in the solar system and is named Pluto. The discover is Clyde Tombaugh. (1930)

19 A prize is inserted into a Crackerjacks box for the first time (1913)

20 John Glenn become the first U.S. astronaut to orbit the earth.(1962)

21 Richard Nixon becomes the first U.S. President to visit China. (1972)

22 Frank Woolworth opens the first "Five Cent Store in Utica, N.Y. (1879)

23 Walter Wingfield of Pimlico, England, patented the game of lawn tennis. (1874)

23 The Tootsie Roll rolls into stores in America. (1896)

23 U.S. marines raise the America flag in Iwo Jima (1945)

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/basics101/tp/urbanlegends.htm

Myths About Ancient History

Thumbs Up! - End of a Fight Between Gladiators

It is believed that when the person in charge of a gladiatorial event wanted one of the gladiators to be finished off, he turned his thumb down and that when he wanted the gladiator to live, he pointed his thumb up. The editor's gesture signifying that a gladiator should be killed is not exactly thumbs down, but thumbs turned. This motion is thought to represent the movement of a sword.

Amazons Cut Off a Breast

The Amazons were probably not the one-breasted man-haters we think of when we hear the word. They are more likely to have been fully-breasted Scythian horse-riding warriors, judging from artwork, although Strabo does write that their right breasts were seared off in infancy.

Atlantis Was a Real Continent

Atlantis was used as a parable by Plato and possibly mentioned by Solon of Athens. Whether there might possibly have been a real lost continent of Atlantis or not remains open to debate, mostly among non-academics.

The U.S. Government Is the Direct Heir of Ancient Greek Democracy

Aside from the question of whether the U.S. is designed to be a democracy instead of a republic, there are countless differences between what we call democracy and what the Greeks did; furthermore, it is totally unfair to say "all Greeks voted" or to claim that those Greeks who didn't vote were branded "idiots".

One day a 55 year old woman decides to get plastic surgery. Everything goes great and she looks amazing. So one day she goes to the bank and asks the teller "How old do you think I am?" The bank teller says " I don't know, about 32?" The woman laughs and say "Nope I'm 55" Feeling really good about herself she asks an old man on the bus "How old do you think I am" The old man says "Well young lady I can tell the age of any woman if she gives me a blowjob" The woman thinks for a while and agrees just to prove the old man wrong. After she finishes the old man looks at her dead in the face and says "Ma'am I believe you are 55" "How can you do that?" asks the Woman Then the old man says "I was behind you in line at the bank"

http://ancienthistory.about.com/od/basics101/tp/urbanlegends.htm

Cleopatra's Needle

The pair of obelisks called Cleopatra's Needles, located on the Embankment in London and near the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City, were created for Pharaoh Thutmosis III, not the famous Cleopatra (Cleopatra VII) or any other. However, these ancient monuments may have been called Cleopatra's Needles from the time of Augustus, Cleopatra's nemesis.

300 Spartans Defended Greece From Persia at Thermopylae

At the Battle of Thermopylae there were 300 Spartans who lay down their lives to give the rest of the Greeks a chance, but there were a total of about 4000 fighting under Leonidas, including willing Thesbians and unwilling Theban allies. Read more about the Battle of Thermopylae.

Jesus Christ was Born on December 25

We don't even know for sure what year Jesus was born, but references in the Gospels suggest Jesus was born in the spring. Franz Cumont and Theodor Mommsen are partly responsible for popular beliefs that the god Mithras or Sol [perhaps Sol Invictus Mithras] was born on the winter solstice, said to be the rationale behind the date of Christmas. David Ulansey, Absolute Astronomy, and others say it was Sol Invictus, not Mithras, or at least not the Iranian Mithras. An ancient Armenian story of Mithras' virgin birth did not gain currency, but is interesting in comparison with Jesus.

8. Caesar Was Born by Caesarean Section

The idea that Julius Caesar was born by Caesarean Section is old, but since Caesar's mother, Aurelia, was involved in his upbringing, and the surgical techniques of the 1st (or 2nd) century B.C. should have left her dead, it is unlikely that the story about Caesar's birth by C-section is true.

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

Originally Posted By: Frank Burns

300 Spartans Defended Greece From Persia at Thermopylae

At the Battle of Thermopylae there were 300 Spartans who lay down their lives to give the rest of the Greeks a chance, but there were a total of about 4000 fighting under Leonidas, including willing Thesbians and unwilling Theban allies. Read more about the Battle of Thermopylae.

I didn't know Leonidas had a lot of lesbians fighting for him. Willing ones, at that.

http://www.historyorb.com/events/date/1914/march

March 1914

1st - Dutch Minister of war H Colijn named director of British Petroleum

1st - The Republic of China joins the Universal Postal Union.

7th - Prince Wilhelm von Wied becomes King of Albania

9th - Henry Colijn appointed as director of Bataafsche Petroleum Co

9th - US Sen Albert Fall (Teapot Dome) demands "Cubanisation of Mexico"

10th - Suffragettes in London damages painter Rokeby's Venus of Velasquez

18th - White Wolf gang beats government army in Jingdezhen China

19th - Stanley Cup: Tor Blueshirts (NHA) sweep Vict Capitals (PCHA) in 3 game

Two guys chatting in a bar.
They talk about their families, work, sports, and then they get onto the topic of hobbies.
The first guy says, "For a hobby I study spiders. I love spiders, I read about them, collect them, breed them"
"Well I'm not so sure that's a great hobby" says the second.
"You'd be surprised, they are fascinating, You can even train them"
"No way! You cannot train a spider" says the second....
"You can, watch this" says the first, as he reaches into his pocket.
He pulls out a match box, opens it and places a spider on the bar. "Watch this", turning to the spider he commands "Spider walk" and the spider starts to walk down the bar.
"Spider Stop" and the spider stops.
"Spider return" and the spider returns.
"Well that's amazing" says the second guy
"You have not seen the best bit yet" says the first, and picking up the spider he pulls all it's legs off and then places it back on the bar.
"Spider Walk" says the guy, but the spider stays still
"Spider Walk" the guy shouts, yet the spider still doesn't move
"SPIDER WALK" he screams, but the spider remains motionless
He turns to he companion and says, "For 25 years I have been studying spiders, and I am convinced when you pull their legs off they go deaf!"

Fuck off, Gerald.

http://www.historyorb.com/events/date/1914/march

20th - 1st international figure-skating tournament held in US, New Haven

21st - US Ladies Figure Skating championship won by Theresa Weld

21st - US Mens Figure Skating championship won by Norman M Scott

22nd - World's 1st airline, St Petersburg Tampa Airboat Line, begins

27th - 1st successful blood transfusion (in Brussels)

A handsome Saudi was sitting in a restaurant at the corner seat.
He asked a waiter to take the most expensive bottle of Wine to a very attractive woman sitting alone at a table in the other corner.
Waiter brought in the elitist wine bottle & took the bottle to the woman and said, "Excuse me mam, this precious bottle is from that gentleman who is seated over there."and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the bottle coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by note. The waiter, who was staying nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a house in Spain, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the Saudi decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear or rather what you want them to be.
I have a Ferrari Enzo, a Range Rover, a Mercedes SLS and a Porsche Panamera in my several garages;
I have beautiful houses in Saudi, Hawaii, Dubai and Morocco and a 10,000 acre estate in England.
There is over 30 million dollars my bank account and portfolio.
But even for a woman as beautiful as you are, I am not going to cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back please."

http://www.cdc.gov/norovirus/downloads/keyfacts.pdf

norovirus

Norovirus is a highly contagious virus. Norovirus infection causes gastroenteritis (inflammation of the stomach and intestines). This leads to diarrhea, vomiting, and stomach pain.

Norovirus is the most common cause of acute gastroenteritis in the United States. • Each year, norovirus causes about 21 million cases of acute gastroenteritis in this
country.

t only takes a very small amount of norovirus particles (fewer than 100) to make you sick.• Norovirus can stay on objects and surfaces and still infect people after days or weeks. • Norovirus can survive some disinfectants, making it hard to get rid of.

Norovirus can spread to others by— • eating food or drinking liquids that are contaminated with norovirus, • touching surfaces or objects that have norovirus on them then putting your fingers in your mouth, and • having close personal contact with an infected person, for example, caring for orsharing food, drinks, or eating utensils with an infected person.

A woman walks into a dentist's office. She promptly sits down on the seat, pulls off her pants, and spreads her legs. The dentist says 'Ma'am, you must be mistaken somehow!' and she responds, 'No, you put these dentures in my husband, and now you're gonna get them out!'

Two guys are walking down a dark alley. when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

http://www.cdc.gov/norovirus/downloads/keyfacts.pdf

There’s no vaccine to prevent norovirus infection and no drug to treat it

Antibiotics will not help with norovirus illness because antibiotics do not work on viruses.

When you have norovirus illness, drink plenty of liquids to replace fluid loss and prevent dehydration.

If you or someone you are caring for is dehydrated, call a doctor.

I'll have you know, I've been sober for just over 100 days. (self.Jokes)
Not like, in a row or anything...just in general.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
Because they always take things literally.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/02/28/world/europe/ukraine-fast-facts/

About Ukraine:

Area: 603,550 sq km (slightly smaller than Texas)

Population: 44,573,205 (July 2013 est.)

Median age: 40.3 years

Capital: Kiev (Kyiv)

Ethnic Groups: Ukrainian 77.8%, Russian 17.3%, Belarusian 0.6%, Moldovan

0.5%,Crimean Tatar 0.5%, Bulgarian 0.4%, Hungarian 0.3%, Romanian 0.3%, Polish 0.3%, Jewish 0.2%, and other 1.8% (2001 census)

Religion: Ukrainian Orthodox - Kyiv Patriarchate 50.4%, Ukrainian Orthodox

Moscow Patriarchate 26.1%, Ukrainian Greek Catholic 8%, Ukrainian

Autocephalous Orthodox 7.2%, Roman Catholic 2.2%, Protestant 2.2%, Jewish 0.6%, and other 3.2% (2006 est.)

GDP: $331.6 billion (2012 est.)

GDP per capita: $7,300 (2012 est.)

Unemployment: 7.5% (2012 est.)

Prior to the 20th century, Ukrainian territories were controlled at different times by Russia, Poland, Lithuania, Mongols, Cossacks and others.

From the 18th to 20th centuries, Russia and the Soviet Union carried out a program of Russification to discourage Ukrainian national identity.

One day a 55 year old woman decides to get plastic surgery. Everything goes great and she looks amazing. So one day she goes to the bank and asks the teller "How old do you think I am?" The bank teller says " I don't know, about 32?" The woman laughs and say "Nope I'm 55" Feeling really good about herself she asks an old man on the bus "How old do you think I am" The old man says "Well young lady I can tell the age of any woman if she gives me a blowjob" The woman thinks for a while and agrees just to prove the old man wrong. After she finishes the old man looks at her dead in the face and says "Ma'am I believe you are 55" "How can you do that?" asks the Woman Then the old man says "I was behind you in line at the bank"

https://groups.google.com/forum/#!msg/thejokester/NTCoEMddy4E/d6yhq7ohV3wJ

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on.

The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention so, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "penis"...

His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***

A young couple took their five-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father.

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.

After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"

His father replies "That's his trunk son."

"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back."

"Oh, that's his tail" replies his father.

"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."

The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."

The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing."

"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... a r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

https://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-landslides

landslides

Mudslides, mudflows, lahars, and debris avalanches are common types of fast-moving landslides, also known as debris flows.

These debris flows generally occur during periods of intense rainfall or rapid snowmelt.

On steep hillsides, debris flows begin as shallow landslides that liquefy and accelerate.

A typical landslide travels at 10 miler per hour, but can exceed 35 miles per hour.

The consistency of debris flows range from thin or thick mud to rocky mud that can forcefully carry larger items of destruction such as boulders, trees, and cars.

When flows reach flatter ground, the debris spreads over a broad area, and can accumulate in thick deposits that wreak havoc in developed areas.

Every year, landslides in the U.S. cause roughly $3.5 billion in damage and kill between 25 and 50 people.

Casualties in the U.S. are primarily caused by rock falls, rock slides, and quick-moving debris.

Landslides often accompany earthquakes, floods, storm surges, hurricanes, wildfires, or volcanic activity. They are usually more damaging and deadly than the triggering event.

The May 1980 eruption of Mount St. Helens caused the largest landslide in history.

A rockslide debris avalanche large enough to fill 250 million dump trucks to the brim traveled about 14 miles, destroying nine highway bridges, numerous private and public buildings, and many miles of highways, roads, and railroads. The debris avalanche also formed several new lakes by damming the North Fork Toutle River and its tributaries.

In July 1994, a severe wildfire swept Storm King Mountain, Colorado, denuding the slopes of vegetation.

Heavy rains on the Storm King Mtn. in September of ‘94 resulted in numerous debris flows, one of which blocked Interstate 70 and threatened to dam the Colorado River.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

http://www.yellowstoneholiday.com/yellow...nal-park-facts/

Yellowstone National Park

Yellowstone National Park (Arapaho: Henihco'oo or Héetíhco'oo) is a national park located primarily in the U.S. state of Wyoming, although it also extends into Montana and Idaho. It was established by the U.S. Congress and signed into law by President Ulysses S. Grant on March 1, 1872. Yellowstone, widely held to be the first national park in the world, is known for its wildlife and its many geothermal features, especially Old Faithful Geyser, one of the most popular features in the park. It has many types of ecosystems, but the subalpine forest is most abundant. It is part of the South Central Rockies forests ecoregion.

Waterfalls – Yellowstone has more than 350 waterfalls, with the tallest reaching an astounding 1,200 feet. Waterfalls are heavily concentrated in the southwest and northeast regions of the park; however, more than 80-percent of the park’s waterfalls are not visible from trails or roads.

Super Volcano – Yellowstone sits atop a massive underground volcano that features an ever-present heat source. In fact, this area has experienced three cataclysmic explosions over the past 2.1 million years, ultimately resulting in calderas now found in western Wyoming and eastern Idaho.

Yellowstone Lake – Compromising a total of 286 square miles, this lake is the largest high-altitude body of water in all of North America. The depth of the lake averages 138 feet, with some areas measuring 430 feet. Straddling the edge of the Yellowstone Caldera, a 640,000-year-old geologic feature, scientists agree this is one of the most dynamic places on the planet.

Headwaters – The wonders of Yellowstone never cease. In fact, at Three Waters Mountain, snow hugs the continental divide, determining if the warm summer weather deposits waters in the Pacific Ocean, Gulf of California or the Gulf of Mexico.

Geysers – The park features more than 500 distinguished geysers, including those located in the Lower, Midway and Upper Geyser basin areas.
Bison Preserve – Yellowstone National Park featured the very first bison preserve, helping to bring this mammal back from the brink of extinction.

Jurassic Bones – Fossils in this area date to the mid- to late-Jurassic period, some 160 to 145.5 million years ago. In fact, some of the dinosaurs’ massive footprints are forever preserved in sandstone layers, as this area was once a sandy shoreline.

Two wives go out for a girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties!" The other husband said, "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the Fire Station.... We'll never forget you'!"

Originally Posted By: MisterJLA

Originally Posted By: Tia & Tamera

Go home Roger.

Fuck off, Lothar.

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/midget

midgets

“Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.”

― Jarod Kintz“I long for your love like the length of a midget.”
― Jarod Kintz,

We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I long to belong. ”
― Jarod Kintz,

“Come, midget, and use my pillow as a sleeping bag. ”
― Jarod Kintz,

“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small. ”
― Jarod Kintz“

I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like my ex wife’s heart—it was just too frigid to melt. So I called up a midget, buckled myself in on his back, and had him give me a ride home. Ah, but that’s life, no? ”
― Jarod Kintz,

“I’m 50% in love. To put that into a visual, I am a 3’ tall midget aspiring to be a 6’ tall man, with the coffee capacity of a narcoleptic camel.”
― Jarod Kintz,

“Just like wearing black makes you look thinner, wearing a midget makes you look taller. ”
― Jarod Kintz

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

http://listverse.com/2013/05/09/10-fascinating-facts-about-soda/

Soda is big business; the combined revenues of Coca-Cola and PepsiCo alone topped 100 billion last year, a staggering feat when you consider the price point of a soft drink is only a buck or two. Arguably the most recognizable brand name in the world, Coca-Cola has become an indelible part of human culture; its history rendered into stories, myths, and urban legends that have been defined as “cokelore”.

oca-Cola alone has some 3,500 different soft drinks in its international arsenal; if you were to try one every day, it would take 9 years to sample them all (by which time there would surely be more). There are many exotic sodas to be found worldwide, particularly in Japan, which seems to have an affinity for novel beverages. Soda flavors in the land of the rising sun include: yogurt, green tea, octopus, wasabi, kimchi, cheese, cucumber, and eel, amongst others.

Lithium citrate is a mood stabilizing drug used to treat depression and bipolar disorders, sold under trade names Litarex and Demalit. Today it requires a prescription, but years ago it was a common ingredient in many medicated beverages, including “Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon Soda”. Today, we know it as 7UP (it is interesting to note that no one really knows where that name came from). It contained lithium until 1948.

The 23 ingredients that comprise Dr. Pepper have been speculated upon for decades. One of the ugly rumors spread about the soda is that it contains prune juice. While this is not in fact one of the components, the others are up for debate, but most probably include cola, vanilla, cherry, orange, caramel, and lemon amongst others. On the company’s FAQ website, the question of flavor is answered rather cryptically: “Dr. Pepper is a unique blend of 23 flavors. The exact formula for Dr. Pepper? That’s top secret proprietary stuff.”

Q: What happened when Jessica Simpson took the Coke taste test?
A: She chose JIF!

Q: What's the new Coke ad slogan?
A: "Cause sometimes they don't have Pepsi"!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of Coke?
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Q: Did you hear about Coke's new soda just for blondes? A: It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.

Fuck off, Tia & Tamera.

http://biology.about.com/od/cellbiology/a/cells-facts.htm

Cells are the fundamental units of life. Whether they be unicellular or multicellular life forms, all living organisms are composed of and depend on cells to function normally. Scientists estimate that our bodies contain anywhere from 75 to 100 trillion cells. Cells do everything from providing structure and stability to providing energy and a means of reproduction for an organism.

Cells are too small to be seen without magnification.
Cells range in size from 1 to 100 micrometers. The study of cells, also called cell biology, would not have been possible without the invention of the microscope.

Eukaryotic and prokaryotic cells are the two main types of cells. Eukaryotic cells are called so because they have a true nucleus. Animals, plants, fungi and protists are examples of organisms that are composed of eukaryotic cells. Prokaryotes include bacteria and archaeans.

Prokaryotic single-celled organisms were the earliest and most primitive forms of life on earth. Prokaryotes can live in environments that would be deadly to most other organisms. They are able to live and thrive in various extreme habitats. Archaeans for example, live in areas such as hydrothermal vents, hot springs, swamps, wetlands, and even animal intestines.

There are more bacterial cells in the body than human cells. Scientists have estimated that about 95% of all the cells in the body are bacteria. The vast majority of these microbes can be found within the digetive tract.

A blonde's house catches on fire. She starts freaking out and finally calls 911. She exclaims, "my house is on fire come as fast as you can!" The operated says, "Okay, calm down and tell me how do we get to your house?", the blonde then replies arrogantly and annoyed, "Well duh, in the big red truck!"

http://biology.about.com/od/cellbiology/a/cells-facts.htm

Cells contain DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid), the genetic information necessary for directing cellular activities. DNA is a type of molecule known as a nucleic acid. In prokaryotic cells, the single bacterial DNA molecule is not separated from the rest of the cell but coiled up in a region of the cytoplasm called the nucleoid region. In eukaryotic cells, DNA molecules are located within the cell's nucleus. DNA and proteins are the major components of chromosomes. Human cells contain 23 pairs of chromosomes (for a total of 46). There are 22 pairs of autosomes (non-sex chromosomes) and one pair of sex chromosomes. The X and Y sex chromosomes determine gender.

Organelles have a wide range of responsibilities within a cell that include everything from providing energy to producing hormones and enzymes. Eukaryotic cells contain several types of organelles, while prokaryotic cells contain a few organelles (ribosomes) and none that are bound by a membrane. There are also differences between the kinds of organelles found within different eukaryotic cell types.

Most prokaryotic cells reproduce by a process called binary fission. This is a type of cloning process in which two identical cells are derived from a single cell. Eukaryotic organisms have a similar type of reproductive method known as mitosis. Some eukaryotes also have the ability to reproduce sexually, which involves the fusion of sex cells or gametes. Gametes are produced by a process called meiosis.

Tissues are groups of cells with both a shared structure and function. Cells that make up animal tissues are sometimes woven together with extracellular fibers and are occasionally held together by a sticky substance that coats the cells. Different types of tissues can also be arranged together to form organs.

http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-get-pregnant-fast_10337115.bc

get pregnant fast

Figure out when you ovulate
The biggest secret to getting pregnant faster is knowing when you ovulate (release an egg from your ovary). Think of the egg as a bull's-eye and the sperm as arrows. One of the arrows has to hit the bull's-eye in order for you to get pregnant. Find out when you're likely to ovulate – and boost your chances of conceiving. Since most women release an egg once each menstrual cycle, there are only a few days out of each cycle when sex can actually lead to pregnancy. Knowing when you ovulate means that you and your partner can identify the bull's-eye and then aim for it, instead of just shooting a bunch of arrows and hoping the target happens to be there.

Get busy at the right time Once you know when your egg will be released from your ovary, you can plan to have sex during your most fertile days: from three days before ovulation through the day of ovulation. You have a range of days for baby-making sex because sperm can survive for five to six days in your body. (Your egg survives for only about a day.) That means if you have sex on Monday, sperm can survive in your fallopian tubes, waiting for an egg to float by, until around Thursday – or maybe even as late as Sunday.

Lie down on the job For a long time, no one really knew whether lying on your back after sex (to prevent sperm from leaking out) would help boost the chances that a sperm would successfully reach and fertilize your egg.
Now there's reason to believe that staying horizontal can help. In 2009, researchers in Amsterdam found that women who lay flat for 15 minutes after being artificially inseminated (that is, a doctor inserted sperm into their uterus) were 50 percent more likely to get pregnant than women who got up right away after the procedure.

Enjoy the process

If you're in a rush to get pregnant, you might find yourself feeling anxious about it. While that's totally normal, you actually have a better shot at conceiving if you aren't stressed out. The hypothalamus – the gland in the brain that regulates the hormones of ovulation – doesn't function as well when you're stressed, which means you may ovulate later than usual or not at all that cycle.

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all

Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A: A misconception

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A: Have sex just once a year

Q: What is a chastity belt ?
A: A labor-saving device

Q: When does a woman's biological clock start ticking ?
A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet !"

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?
A: Childbirth

Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
A. No, 35 children is way too many already

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college

Some WWII-era American Military Slang:

Army strawberries: Prunes.

Ash can: Depth charge.
http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_vault/2013/11/11/military_slang_terms_used_by_soldiers_in_wwii.html

Beat your gums: To talk a lot about a topic.

Bedpan commando: Medical corpsman.

Behavior report: Letter to a girl.

Big wheel: “Anyone with a little authority.”

“Blow it out your barracks bag”: “Shut up! Go to hell!

Bog-pocket: Tightwad. (Glossary)

Boudoir commando: Home-front hero.

Browned off: Annoyed or fed up. (Also: Brassed off.)

BTO: “’Big time operator’—someone who thinks he is important.”

Bubble dancing: Dishwashing.

Cab happy: “’Nuts’ about driving.”

Carrier pigeon: Serviceman acting as officer’s messenger.

American joke/anecdote: Japanese and American soldiers often threw insults at each other across no man’s land. One exchange though ended in mutual laughter. ‘F***k Roosevelt!’, ‘No f***k Tojo!’, ‘No f***k, Eleanor Roosevelt.’ One American wit shouted out: ‘Oh you can have her!’

http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_vault/2013/11/11/military_slang_terms_used_by_soldiers_in_wwii.html

Cornplaster commando: Infantryman. (Dunlap)

Devil’s piano: Machine gun. (Glossary)

Dit happy: “’Batty’ because of copying too much radio code.” (Dunlap)

Dodo: “A[n Air Force] cadet before he starts flying.” (Shafer)

Gremlins: “Mythical creatures who are supposed to cause trouble such as engine failure in aeroplanes, a curious piece of whimsy-whamsy in an activity so severely practical as flying. Now the gremlin seems to be extending its sphere of operations, so that the term can be applied to almost anything that inexplicably goes wrong in human affairs.”

Gubbins: “Used to describe almost any part of the equipment of a plane, with about the same meaning as gadget.”

Egg in your beer: “Too much of a good thing.”

Eggs: Bombs.

Fish: Torpedos.

Flak: Abbreviated form of German word Fliegerabwehrkanone, or “pilot warding-off cannon” (anti-aircraft fire).

French leave: AWOL.

Fruit salad: “A number of campaign ribbons worn on the chest.”

JANFU: “Joint Army-Navy foul-up.”

Juice jerker: Electrician.

Kite: Airplane. (Also, cab.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_smoking_bans

smoking bans by country

Albania
A law went into effect on 30 May 2007 restricting smoking in closed public areas and outlawing the advertisement of tobacco, although the measure has reportedly been poorly enforced in the country.[

Andorra
Since 2004, smoking is prohibited in government buildings, educational facilities, hospitals, enclosed sport facilities and buses. In 2010, an increase in restrictions at restaurants, bars, and workplaces was under discussion. Andorra introduced a smoking ban in all public places on 13 December 2012. However, an exemption was made for bars and restaurants, allowing special smoking rooms so long as they fulfill strict conditions: such as not serving food and drink.

Argentina
A 2006 smoking ban in Buenos Aires city prohibits smoking in public areas including bars and restaurants except if the bar is more than 100 m2 where it is possible to provide an area for smoking customers. Similar bans in other Argentine cities require bigger establishments to provide a separate, contained area for smoking customers.Argentina introduced a ban on smoking in all public places on 1 June 2011.

Bahrain
Bahrain outlawed smoking in public places on 27 February 2008. People can still smoke in Private areas, such as your home/ balcony of apartment

Bermuda
As of 1 October 2006, smoking is banned in all enclosed workplaces in Bermuda, including restaurants, bars, private clubs and hotels

Bosnia and Herzegovina
The Federation of Bosnia and Herzegovina has prohibited smoking in public buildings nationwide since 1 September 2007.

A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma’am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?" "Well, yes ma’am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?" "Yes, Ma’am, one of them does." "W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_smoking_bans

Smoking in Brazil is forbidden in all enclosed public spaces except for specifically designated smoking areas. Since 15 December 2011, Federal Law 12546 (article 49) forbids smoking in enclosed spaces in the entire country, including restaurants and bars

Bulgaria
Smoking was restricted in 2010 for all indoor public spaces except bars, restaurants and clubs. A comprehensive smoking ban has been introduced prohibiting smoking in all public places including bars, restaurants, clubs, workplaces, stadiums, etc. and came into effect on 1 June 2012

Chile
Chile prohibits smoking in schools, hospitals, government offices, shopping centres, supermarkets, pharmacies, airports, buses, subway networks and other indoor public places. Smoking indoors in universities is restricted, although it is allowed outdoors. In 2013 Chile's legislative body approved a ban on all smoking in public enclosed spaces nationwide, including restaurants, pubs and clubs

Shanghai Municipality expanded a smoking ban from hospitals to kindergartens, schools, libraries and stadiums, as of 1 March 2010, and had attempted to restrict smoking in restaurants for the 2010 World Expo, but compliance in restaurants was reportedly poor and enforcement lax. In Guangdong Province, the municipalities of Guangzhou and Jiangmen restricted smoking in public places in 2007, but the law was not effectively enforced

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

https://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-tanning

Tanning

There are nearly 22,000 tanning salons across the United States, serving about 28 million customers.

Out of the 28 million people who tan indoors, 2.3 million are teens.

70% of people who go to tanning salons are white females between 16 to 29 years old.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and the World Health Organization’s International Agency of Research on Cancer panel stated that ultraviolet radiation from the sun and artificial sources from tanning beds are known to be cancer-causing.

lthough the amount of radiation produced during indoor tanning is similar to the sun, it may be stronger in some cases.

Melanoma rates have increased in the last three decades. About 76,000 U.S. adults will be diagnosed with the cancer-type this year. About 9,200 are expected to die from the disease.

The risk of melanoma is 75% higher for people who start tanning indoors before the age of 30.

Indoor tanning can lead to skin aging, immune suppression and eye damage.

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

http://www.businessinsider.com/17-mind-blowing-facts-about-russia-2014-3?op=1

Russia

Russia has a surface area of 17 million km2, compared with 16.6 million km2 for Pluto.

Russia's pipelines, including condensate, gas, liquid petroleum gas, oil water, and refined products, are 259,913 kilometers long. The Earth, meanwhile, is 40,075 kilometers in circumference.

Russia has 695 tonnes of highly enriched uranium (HEU), the most of any country in the world. The U.S. has the world's second largest stockpile at 604 tonnes.

Russia's population was 141.9 million in 2010 and is projected to fall 10.7% to 126.6 million by 2050.

n America, you can always find a party.
In Soviet Russia, the party always find you.

In America, you drive the car.
In Soviet Russia, the car drives you.

In Soviet Russia, government controls corporations.
In America, corporations control government.

In Soviet Russia, political system fails you
In America, you fail political system

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'
Read more at http://jussayin.toptenhen.com/item/3881/amazing-swimming-pools?bsid=1634676#qUrOIFvyf8ojgFKY.99

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
Read more at http://jussayin.toptenhen.com/item/3881/amazing-swimming-pools?p=2#Aavx53xuvESbsixG.99

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
Read more at http://jussayin.toptenhen.com/item/3881/amazing-swimming-pools?p=5#L0F7q9WLu4plG9rl.99

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

Yes, they help me sleep at night. "

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. "
Read more at http://jussayin.toptenhen.com/item/3881/amazing-swimming-pools?p=4#RC6Gcgm6a2ZKi8ke.99

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."
Read more at http://humormeetscomics.toptenhen.com/it...wS5KD5hrwvYZ.99

There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you
get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again."

so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. then the guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet." then the blonde said "i know, i laughed because i just got the first joke!"

Read more at http://humormeetscomics.toptenhen.com/item/1264/punctuation-amusement?p=3#e8Y7GHCgEs8jJkOc.99

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
Read more at http://humormeetscomics.toptenhen.com/item/1264/punctuation-amusement?p=6#JzqqbpPhbP8c2iW9.99

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting further and further away from the bucket."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ghost_towns_by_country

ghost towns

Angola
The settlement of Tigres, situated on a peninsula now known as the Ilha dos Tigres ("Island of the Tigers"), was once a small but well-established fishing village. It was supplied with water from the nearby town of Foz do Cunene, at the mouth of the Cunene River. In the 1970s, Tigres was cut off from the mainland by the rising sea level, and its water supply line was severed; both Tigres and Foz do Cunene were subsequently abandoned. The island, bound by the South Atlantic ocean and Baia dos Tigres, lies in a zone which is ideally suited for ecological projects. The island was mentioned in the BBC documentary "Unknown Africa: Angola".

Ethiopia[edit]
Dallol is a former mining town located in the Dallol crater, where the temperature can rise as high as 104° Fahrenheit (40 °C).

Bangladesh
Panam City in Sonargaon was established in the late 19th century as a trading center of cotton fabrics during British rule. Hindu cloth merchants built their residential houses following colonial style with inspiration derived from European sources. After the Indo-Pakistani War of 1965 and the Muslim-Hindu riot, Panam City has reduced into a vacant community. Today this area is protected under the department of archaeology of Bangladesh. Panam city area was linked with the main city area by three brick bridges - Panam Bridge, Dalalpur Bridge and Panam Nagar Bridge - during Mughal period. The bridges are still in use.

China

Thames Town in Songjiang imitates a typical English town
Kangbashi New Area, a district of Ordos City, was intended to house one million people,[11] but soaring property prices and lack of infrastructure deterred residents of Ordos from relocating to the newly built-up area, and it now stands largely deserted.[12] In 2010, the population of Kangbashi was around 20,000 to 30,000, a fraction of its total capacity.

Thames Town in Songjiang District was constructed in 2005 for 5 billion yuan. Like many new towns in China, Thames Town was built with a European theme. In this case, it was named for the UK's Thames River. The stores sometimes take the name of the English store they were copied from. The empty storefronts match the surrounding, unoccupied villa compounds.Thames Town is otherwise notable as a desirable backdrop for wedding photography.[

India
Dhanushkodi, on Pamban Island, was a flourishing tourist town until it was wiped out by the 1964 Dhanushkodi cyclone

.
Old Goa was once the centre of Christianization in the east, but it became largely abandoned in the 17th century, due to an outbreak of malaria and cholera.

Ross Island was the administrative centre of the Andaman and Nicobar Islands until an earthquake struck in 1941, leaving the settlement in ruins.

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_ghost_towns_by_country

ghost towns

Hashima Island was a Japanese mining town from 1887 to 1974. Once known for having the world's highest population density (in 1959 at 83,500 people per square kilometer), the island was abandoned when the coal mines were closed down

Kampung Kepayang, in Perak, is almost uninhabited, with only two or three shophouses being in use. This is a result of the widening of the main road, which made it difficult to park a vehicle, and resulted in the shops losing business. However, there are still Malays who reside in the village houses behind the shop houses, and the addresses in Simpang Pulai are still written as "Kampung Kepayang".

Philippines
The Palace in the Sky was built at Tagaytay City as a vacation mansion for President Ferdinand Marcos, but construction was abandoned when he lost the 1986 election. The site was renamed "People's Park in the Sky", and is now a popular tourist spot.

Singapore
A few blocks of HDB flats (apartment flats) located in the Lim Chu Kang area of the island is known to be the only ghost town in Singapore. Named the Neo Tiew estate (or officially the Lim Chu Kang Rural Centre), it used to house residents before they were moved out of the vicinity in 2002 as part of an En-bloc scheme. Since then the Singapore government has declared it state land and nothing was done to demolish or renovate the flats. The area was used by the Singapore Army as a training facility from 2005-2009 until a newer training facility was built nearby in 2008. Its current fate is unknown.

Thailand
The city of Old Ayutthaya was the capital of the country from its foundation in 1350 until it was sacked and destroyed by the Burmese in 1767. The site is now Ayutthaya Historical Park.

A visiting professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said ’goats’!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/sexwithghostjokes.html

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!" The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.

"Consider it done!" the genie replied. "And what's your wish genie?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies...that's amazing!"

"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "
now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads."

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.

http://www.mattcampbellart.com/2011/06/best-comic-book-quotes/

comic book quotes

1.”Grown-ups… are a strange breed! Their brains weigh close to three pounds, and that’s not three pounds of cheery delight!” — The Tick

4. “We plan for days and days and when the time comes, we proceed to improvise.” — Quicksilver

6. “I cannot preach hate and warfare when I am a disciple of peace and love!” — Wonder Woman

“I should break your face for that, but that would not teach you of love.” — Slaughterman

“The fates have smiled on you, Loki…they have provided you with yet another opportunity to slay me. You wanted me so desperately. Now you have me. Do your worst.”–Thor

“Patriotism doesn’t automatically equal conservatism”–Tony Stark

“Never compromise. Not even in the face of Armageddon.”–Rorschach

“I’d rather not rule the earth. I just want to marry the girl next door and live in the suburbs.” — Dynamo

“Why does everyone say my name like it means shut up?” –Jubilee X-Men#10

“And now I’m better at doing whatever it is Wolverine does!”–Deadpool

“Whatever happens, remember to protect me.”–Deadpool

“It’s on bitch” — Hank Pym to Reed Richards in Mighty Avengers.

“It is a remarkable dichotomy. In many ways, Clark is the most human of us all. Then… he shoots fire from the skies, and it is difficult not to think of him as a god. And how fortunate we all are that it does not occur to him.”–Batman

Q: What is a superhero's favorite part of the joke? A: The "punch" line!

Q: Where's Spiderman's home page? A: On the world wide web.

Q: What's the difference between Batman and a robber? A: Batman can go into a store without robin!!

Q: When did Anakin Skywalker become evil? A: In the sith grade!

source: http://jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/superherojokes.html

http://www.mattcampbellart.com/2011/06/best-comic-book-quotes/

22. “You killed your imaginary friend? With what?” “With an imaginary gun, of course.” –Doom Patrol 23.

“Deadpool ain’t it? Sorta rhymes with Dead Fool?”–Wolverine 24.

“Yeah– like Wolverine rhymes with… Louver Screen? … Hoover Spleen? Hey what the heck does it rhyme with?”–Deadpool 25.

“Calm down. You get so uptight about your bodily fluids..” Black Cat to Spider-man 26.

“I’m through talking. Get out of my cave.”–Batman to Superman 27.

“Believe me when I say I wish that violence wasn’t necessary. But violence is the price we pay to accomplish a greater good. As heroes, we choose to protect that good with our lives.”–Superman 28.

“In my opinion, the existence of life is a highly overrated phenomenon.”–Doctor Manhattan 30.

“The last time you inspired anyone, you were dead”–Batman to Superman 31.

“That would be a certain Thunder God. Oh…you better run.”–Ironman 32.

“You asked for my help. That’s all that matters.” –Superman 33.

“The sunsets are bloody MARVELOUS, you old bastard. Satisfied?” - Lucifer from Sandman 35.

” I always think I’ve got it all figured out, and then I live another day, and everything just gets more complicated.” –Scud 36.

“You don’t understand. I’m not trapped in here with you. You’re trapped in here with me.”–Rorscach 37.

“What do you think the A stands for? France?”– Ultimate Captain America 38.

“Duh! Paper or plastic? Hellooo? You have any idea what plastic bags do to the environment? I’m Al Gore’s message of death, bee-yotch!”–Deadpool 39.

“Speak quickly! I am aching to destroy you!”–Hellboy

http://www.funology.com/riddles/

Q: What has a foot but no legs?
A: A snail

Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it?
A: Nothing

Q: What comes down but never goes up?
A: Rain

Q: I’m tall when I’m young and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
A: A candle

Q: In a one-story pink house, there was a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower– everything was pink!
What color were the stairs?
A: There weren’t any stairs, it was a one story house!

Q: A dad and his son were riding their bikes and crashed. Two ambulances came and took them to different hospitals. The man’s son was in the operating room and the doctor said, “I can’t operate on you. You’re my son.”
How is that possible?
A: The doctor is his mom!

Q: Throw away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?

A: Corn on the cob, because you throw away the husk, cook and eat the kernels, and throw away the cob.

Q: What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one spot?
A: A stamp!

Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in one thousand years?
A: The letter M

Q: What has 4 eyes but can’t see?
A: Mississippi

Q: If I have it, I don’t share it. If I share it, I don’t have it. What is it?
A: A Secret.

Q: Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I?
A: EMPTY

http://chemistry.about.com/od/elementfacts/a/10-Sodium-Facts.htm

Sodium is an abundant element that is essential for human nutrition and important for many chemical processes. Here are 10 interesting facts about sodium.

Sodium is a silvery-white metal belonging to Group 1 of the Periodic Table, which is the alkali metals group.

Sodium is highly reactive! The pure metal is kept under oil or kerosene because it spontaneously ignites in water. It's interesting to note, sodium metal also floats on water!

Room temperature sodium metal is soft enough that you can cut it with a butter knife.

Sodium is an essential element for animal nutrition. In humans, sodium is important for maintaining fluid balance in the cells and throughout the body. The electric potential maintained by sodium ions is critical for nerve function.

Sodium and it compounds are used for food preservation, cooling nuclear reactors, in sodium vapor lamps, to purify and refine other elements and compounds, and as a desiccant.

There is only one stable isotope of sodium, 23Na.

The symbol for sodium is Na, which comes from the Latin natrium or Arabic natrun or a similar-sounding Egyptian word, all referring to soda or sodium carbonate.

Sodium is an abundant element. It is found in the sun and many other stars. It is the 6th most abundant element on Earth, comprising about 2.6% of the earth's crust. It is the most abundant alkali metal.

Although it too reactive to occur in pure elemental form, it is found in many minerals, including halite, cryolite, soda niter, zeolite, amphibole, and sodalite. The most common sodium mineral is halite or sodium chloride salt.

NAZARETH
"Hair Of The Dog"

Heart breaker, soul shaker
I've been told about you
Steamroller, midnight stroller
What they've been saying must be true

[bridge:]
Red hot mama
Velvet charmer
Time's come to pay your dues

[chorus:]
Now you're messin' with a
A son of a bitch
Now you're messin' with a son of a bitch
Now you're messin' with a
A son of a bitch
Now you're messin' with a son of a bitch

Talkin' jivey, poison ivy
You ain't gonna cling to me
Man taker, born faker
I ain't so blind I can't see

[bridge]

[chorus]

[pipes solo]

[chorus]

http://www.bigwords.com/bigwords/

big words

accoutrements -accessories

acumen- quickness and keenness of judgment or insight.

anomalistic -deviation or departure from the normal or common order, form, or rule; phenomenal

auspicious -favorable, prosperous

bellwether -a leader, trendsetter, first in their class, and ahead of the rest

callipygian -having shapely buttocks

circumlocution 1. The use of unnecessarily wordy and indirect language. 2. Evasion in speech or writing. 3. A roundabout expression.

concupiscent a strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust

conviviality -merry; festive

coruscant -giving forth flashes of light; glittering

cuddlesome- suitable for or inviting cuddling. Also, cuddly

Have you heard the one about the sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.

An ion meets his atom friend on the street and says he's lost an electron. "Are you sure?" asks the atom. The ion replies, "I'm positive."

http://www.billionbibles.org/sharia/sharia-law.html

Sharia law is the law of Islam. The Sharia (also spelled Shariah or Shari'a) law is cast from the actions and words of Muhammad, which are called "Sunnah," and the Quran, which he authored.

The Sharia law itself cannot be altered, but the interpretation of the Sharia law, called "figh," by imams is given some leeway.

As a legal system, the Sharia law covers a very wide range of topics. While other legal codes deal primarily with public behavior, Sharia law covers public behavior, private behavior and private beliefs. Of all legal systems in the world today, Islam's Sharia law is the most intrusive and strict, especially against women.

According to the Sharia law:

• Theft is punishable by amputation of the right hand (above).
• Criticizing or denying any part of the Quran is punishable by death.
• Criticizing or denying Muhammad is a prophet is punishable by death.

Criticizing or denying Allah, the moon god of Islam is punishable by death.
• A Muslim who becomes a non-Muslim is punishable by death.
• A non-Muslim who leads a Muslim away from Islam is punishable by death.
• A non-Muslim man who marries a Muslim woman is punishable by death.

A man can marry an infant girl and consummate the marriage when she is 9 years old.
• Girls' clitoris should be cut (per Muhammad's words in Book 41, Kitab Al-Adab, Hadith 5251).
• A woman can have 1 husband, but a man can have up to 4 wives; Muhammad can have more.
• A man can unilaterally divorce his wife but a woman needs her husband's consent to divorce.
• A man can beat his wife for insubordination.

Testimonies of four male witnesses are required to prove rape against a woman.
• A woman who has been raped cannot testify in court against her rapist(s).
• A woman's testimony in court, allowed only in property cases, carries half the weight of a man's.
• A female heir inherits half of what a male heir inherits.

A woman cannot drive a car, as it leads to fitnah (upheaval).
• A woman cannot speak alone to a man who is not her husband or relative.
• Meat to be eaten must come from animals that have been sacrificed to Allah - i.e., be Halal.
• Muslims should engage in Taqiyya and lie to non-Muslims to advance Islam.

Originally Posted By: Frank Burns

Criticizing or denying Allah, the moon god of Islam is punishable by death.
• A Muslim who becomes a non-Muslim is punishable by death.
• A non-Muslim who leads a Muslim away from Islam is punishable by death.
• A non-Muslim man who marries a Muslim woman is punishable by death.

The West is such an evil infidel place that they all want to move here!

And fuck our women!

Any sexual situation with less than four male witnesses is consensual sex.

http://chemistry.about.com/od/gold/a/10-Gold-Facts.htm

Gold

Nearly all of the gold on Earth came from meteorites that bombarded the planet over 200 million years after it forme

Gold is the only metal that is yellow or "golden". Other metals may develop a yellowish color, but only after they have oxidized or reacted with other chemicals.

Gold is extremely ductile. A single ounce of gold (about 28 grams) can be stretched into a gold thread 5 miles (8 kilometers) long. Gold threads can even be used as embroidery thread.

Malleability is a measure of how easily a material can be hammered into thin sheets. Gold is the most malleable element. A single ounce of gold can be beaten out into a sheet that is 300 square feet. A sheet of gold can be made thin enough to be transparent. Very thin sheets of gold may appear greenish blue because gold strongly reflects red and yellow

Although gold is a heavy, dense metal, it is generally considered non-toxic. Gold metal flakes may be eaten in foods or drinks.

24 karat gold is pure elemental gold. 18 karat gold is 75% pure gold. 14 karat gold is 58.5% pure gold, and 10 karat gold is 41.7% pure gold. The remaining portion of the metal usually is silver, but may consist of other metals or a combination of metals, such as platinum, copper, palladium, zinc, nickel, iron, and cadmium.

Gold is a noble metal. It is relatively unreactive and resists degradation by air, moisture, or acidic conditions. While acids dissolve most metals, a special mixture of acids called aqua regia is used to dissolve gold.

Gold has many uses, aside from its monetary and symbolic value. Among other applications, it is used in electronics, electrical wiring, dentistry, electronics, medicine, radiation shielding, and to color glass.

High purity metallic gold is odorless and tasteless. This makes sense, since the metal is unreactive. Metal ions are what confers flavor and odor to metallic elements and compounds.

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now

Originally Posted By: Wonder Boy

Any sexual situation with less than four male witnesses is consensual sex.

In other news bill Cosby says he has been Muslim for 40 years

http://scomedy.com/quotes/Bill-Cosby

Bill Cosby

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.

It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

http://www.usnews.com/news/national/articles/2007/10/15/10-things-you-didnt-know-about-al-gore

Albert Arnold Gore Jr. was born on March 31, 1948, in Washington, D.C. His father, Albert Gore Sr., served in the House of Representatives and the Senate for more than two decades. His mother, Pauline LaFon Gore, was the first woman to graduate from Vanderbilt University Law School. Gore was an honor student and captain of the football team at St. Alban's Episcopal School for Boys.

He met his wife, Tipper, at his senior prom; Tipper came to the event with another date, the son of a federal judge. Al and Tipper married in 1970 at the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C.

He attended Harvard University, where he and actor Tommy Lee Jones became friends. He initially wanted to be a novelist but graduated with honors in 1969 with a bachelor's degree in government.

Though Gore opposed the Vietnam War, he enlisted in the Army in 1969 and served as a reporter for the Army Flier at Alabama's Fort Rucker. He appeared in uniform for one of his father's campaign commercials. The commercial ended with his father saying, "Son, always love your country." He spent six months in Vietnam, less than half of a normal tour, and received an early out to attend Vanderbilt University

He took religious studies classes at Vanderbilt University in 1971 while working full time as an investigative reporter for the Nashville Tennessean. He enrolled in the Vanderbilt law school in 1974 but left the university two years later to run for—and win—a seat in the House of Representatives.

Gore ran for president in 1988 but was defeated in the Democratic primaries by Michael Dukakis.

In 1989, his 6-year-old son Albert was hit by a car and nearly killed. The accident factored into his decision not to run for president in 1992.

President Clinton selected him as his running mate in 1992. At age 44, Al became one of the youngest people to hold the office of vice president.

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volcano

volcanos

Subglacial volcanoes
Subglacial volcanoes develop underneath icecaps. They are made up of flat lava which flows at the top of extensive pillow lavas and palagonite. When the icecap melts, the lava on top collapses, leaving a flat-topped mountain. These volcanoes are also called table mountains, tuyas, or (uncommonly) mobergs. Very good examples of this type of volcano can be seen in Iceland, however, there are also tuyas in British Columbia. The origin of the term comes from Tuya Butte, which is one of the several tuyas in the area of the Tuya River and Tuya Range in northern British Columbia. Tuya Butte was the first such landform analyzed and so its name has entered the geological literature for this kind of volcanic formation. The Tuya Mountains Provincial Park was recently established to protect this unusual landscape, which lies north of Tuya Lake and south of the Jennings River near the boundary with the Yukon Territory.

Mud volcanoes
Mud volcanoes or mud domes are formations created by geo-excreted liquids and gases, although there are several processes which may cause such activity. The largest structures are 10 kilometers in diameter and reach 700 meters high.

Supervolcanoes
A supervolcano usually has a large caldera and can produce devastation on an enormous, sometimes continental, scale. Such volcanoes are able to severely cool global temperatures for many years after the eruption due to the huge volumes of sulfur and ash released into the atmosphere. They are the most dangerous type of volcano. Examples include: Yellowstone Caldera in Yellowstone National Park and Valles Caldera in New Mexico (both western United States); Lake Taupo in New Zealand; Lake Toba in Sumatra, Indonesia; and Ngorongoro Crater in Tanzania. Because of the enormous area they may cover, supervolcanoes are hard to identify centuries after an eruption. Similarly, large igneous provinces are also considered supervolcanoes because of the vast amount of basalt lava erupted (even though the lava flow is non-explosive).

Submarine volcanoes
Submarine volcanoes are common features of the ocean floor. In shallow water, active volcanoes disclose their presence by blasting steam and rocky debris high above the ocean's surface. In the ocean's deep, the tremendous weight of the water above prevents the explosive release of steam and gases; however, they can be detected by hydrophones and discoloration of water because of volcanic gases. Pillow lava is a common eruptive product of submarine volcanoes and is characterized by thick sequences of discontinuous pillow-shaped masses which form under water. Even large submarine eruptions may not disturb the ocean surface due to the rapid cooling effect and increased buoyancy of water (as compared to air) which often causes volcanic vents to form steep pillars on the ocean floor. Hydrothermal vents are common near these volcanoes, and some support peculiar ecosystems based on dissolved minerals. Over time, the formations created by submarine volcanoes may become so large that they break the ocean surface as new islands or floating pumice rafts.

Stratovolcano
Stratovolcanoes or composite volcanoes are tall conical mountains composed of lava flows and other ejecta in alternate layers, the strata that gives rise to the name. Stratovolcanoes are also known as composite volcanoes because they are created from multiple structures during different kinds of eruptions. Strato/composite volcanoes are made of cinders, ash, and lava. Cinders and ash pile on top of each other, lava flows on top of the ash, where it cools and hardens, and then the process repeats. Classic examples include Mt. Fuji in Japan, Mayon Volcano in the Philippines, and Mount Vesuvius and Stromboli in Italy.

Throughout recorded history, ash produced by the explosive eruption of stratovolcanoes has posed the greatest volcanic hazard to civilizations. Not only do stratovolcanoes have greater pressure build up from the underlying lava flow than shield volcanoes, but their fissure vents and monogenetic volcanic fields (volcanic cones) have more powerful eruptions, as they are many times under extension. They are also steeper than shield volcanoes, with slopes of 30–35° compared to slopes of generally 5–10°, and their loose tephra are material for dangerous lahars.[8] Large pieces of tephra are called volcanic bombs. Big bombs can measure more than 4 feet(1.2 meters) across and weigh several tons.[9]

Fissure vents
Main article: Fissure vent
Volcanic fissure vents are flat, linear fractures through which lava emerges.

Shield volcanoes
Shield volcanoes, so named for their broad, shield-like profiles, are formed by the eruption of low-viscosity lava that can flow a great distance from a vent. They generally do not explode catastrophically. Since low-viscosity magma is typically low in silica, shield volcanoes are more common in oceanic than continental settings. The Hawaiian volcanic chain is a series of shield cones, and they are common in Iceland, as well.

Lava domes
Lava domes are built by slow eruptions of highly viscous lava. They are sometimes formed within the crater of a previous volcanic eruption, as in the case of Mount Saint Helens, but can also form independently, as in the case of Lassen Peak. Like stratovolcanoes, they can produce violent, explosive eruptions, but their lava generally does not flow far from the originating vent.

Cryptodomes
Cryptodomes are formed when viscous lava is forced upward causing the surface to bulge. The 1980 eruption of Mount St. Helens was an example; lava beneath the surface of the mountain created an upward bulge which slid down the north side of the mountain.

http://www.wikihow.com/Fake-Symptoms-of-Being-Sick

How to Fake Symptoms of Being Sick

Decide what illness you are going to fake. Ideally you want something that incapacitates you from major responsibilities without being so serious that others will take you to the doctor or hospital. A cold, fever, or 24-hour bug are all good options. Make sure you know the symptoms you want to fake, and limit your performance to just those.

Start mentioning symptoms the day before you want to fake sick. If you're wanting to stay home from school Monday, act tired and sluggish on Sunday. Say you aren't feeling well, or have a slight headache. Don't eat much and go to bed early. This way when you start showing more severe symptoms it will be more believable.

Jog your memory. You've been sick before, and people have noticed. Think about what it felt like, and what other people noticed the most when you were sick? Try to replicate those symptoms and channel that feeling. It'll be much easier to convince people that you have come down with something you have had before, rather than tackling a whole new ailment.

Make your face pale. If you have green concealer, rub it on your cheeks and forehead to make you appear pale. Don't paint your face green, just slightly change the color of your skin.
Make sure you know how to apply makeup effectively. If you are obviously wearing makeup, you are sure to be caught.

Pretend you're dizzy and lightheaded. Walk slower, with shorter steps. Take your time when getting out of bed or a chair. When you stand up at your desk, pretend to lose your balance a little bit and put your hand on your desk to "regain" your balance.
To remember what being dizzy feels like, wait until you are in private and spin around until you get a little dizzy. Make note of how it feels and how you're acting. When you're in front of others, replicate that behavior, but only slightly.

At 85 years of age, Morris married LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband was so old, LouAnne decided that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepared herself for bed, and waited for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?”

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills.

"Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked. He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said :"Then you use to bite my neck"

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?"she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Frank I'm not around as much as I used to be...but I still hate you guts! Just in case you forgot. Carry on.

http://academictips.org/funny-jokes/42-funny-one-liners/

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Born free, taxed to death.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

A blind guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a
blonde joke. He immediately heard a deep, booming voice coming from
behind him saying I want you to know that the bartender is a blonde, I'm
a 6'4" bodybuilder and I'm a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and those
two guys over on your left are blondes. Are you sure that you want to tell t
hat joke? He says nah, I don't want to have to explain it five fucking times.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk.

He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink – he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over, and still politely – but more firmly – refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

Read more: http://1013thebrew.iheart.com/onair/bret.../#ixzz49FrQ23vs

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Read more: http://1013thebrew.iheart.com/onair/bret.../#ixzz49y8boMlY

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/06/american-idiots-guide-to-brexit.html

Brexit is a faster way of saying, “Britain’s exit from the European Union.” On Thursday, the United Kingdom voted to pursue Brexit.

In 1952, a bunch of European nations decided they were sick of going to war with each other a few times every century. To foster non-zero-sum relationships and co-operative economic growth, the Western European powers formed a common market for the coal and steel trades, which they named, somewhat uncreatively, the European Coal and Steel Community. In 1967, this evolved into a broader free-trade zone called the European Economic Community, which the U.K. joined in 1973. By the early 2000s, these European nations had taken their relationship to the next level — establishing a system of open borders, uniform regulations, a complicated political and economic bureaucracy based in Brussels, and a common currency, the “euro.”

But even then, Britain wasn’t comfortable with that kind of commitment. It retained its own currency (the pound) and didn’t fully dismantle its border controls.

So, if the EU respected Britain’s ambivalence — and agreed to have the geopolitical equivalent of an open relationship — why would the U.K. want to break up?
The short answer is that the EU is kind of a hot mess right now. Also, a lot of British people aren’t crazy about Polish immigrants.

So why does anyone want to stay in the EU?
EU membership is good for the British economy. Or so says David Cameron, President Obama, the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, and most independent economists and large businesses.

Why should I care that this has happened?
Well, the most paranoid alarmists worry that Brexit will trigger a Frexit, which could trigger a Germexit, until the whole EU framework falls apart; and then the combination of slow-growth and ascendant right-wing nationalism could lead to the kind of zero-sum thinking that made Europe a charnel house for much of the 20th century. For all its faults, there’ve been no world wars since the EU was formed.

More immediately (and certainly), Brexit will hurt European economic growth, and that could be a weight on the whole global economy

But why should I, a completely self-centered American, care that this happened?
According to the Washington Post, a Brexit would likely make your mortgage more affordable, your 401k temporarily less valuable, and the idea of spending your next vacation in Britain more appeali