RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

http://scomedy.com/quotes/Bill-Cosby

Bill Cosby



I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.


What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six.

It's more blessed to give than to receive - especially kittens.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

http://www.usnews.com/news/national/articles/2007/10/15/10-things-you-didnt-know-about-al-gore


Albert Arnold Gore Jr. was born on March 31, 1948, in Washington, D.C. His father, Albert Gore Sr., served in the House of Representatives and the Senate for more than two decades. His mother, Pauline LaFon Gore, was the first woman to graduate from Vanderbilt University Law School. Gore was an honor student and captain of the football team at St. Alban's Episcopal School for Boys.

He met his wife, Tipper, at his senior prom; Tipper came to the event with another date, the son of a federal judge. Al and Tipper married in 1970 at the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C.

He attended Harvard University, where he and actor Tommy Lee Jones became friends. He initially wanted to be a novelist but graduated with honors in 1969 with a bachelor's degree in government.

Though Gore opposed the Vietnam War, he enlisted in the Army in 1969 and served as a reporter for the Army Flier at Alabama's Fort Rucker. He appeared in uniform for one of his father's campaign commercials. The commercial ended with his father saying, "Son, always love your country." He spent six months in Vietnam, less than half of a normal tour, and received an early out to attend Vanderbilt University


He took religious studies classes at Vanderbilt University in 1971 while working full time as an investigative reporter for the Nashville Tennessean. He enrolled in the Vanderbilt law school in 1974 but left the university two years later to run for—and win—a seat in the House of Representatives.

Gore ran for president in 1988 but was defeated in the Democratic primaries by Michael Dukakis.

In 1989, his 6-year-old son Albert was hit by a car and nearly killed. The accident factored into his decision not to run for president in 1992.

President Clinton selected him as his running mate in 1992. At age 44, Al became one of the youngest people to hold the office of vice president.

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore


"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volcano

volcanos


Subglacial volcanoes
Subglacial volcanoes develop underneath icecaps. They are made up of flat lava which flows at the top of extensive pillow lavas and palagonite. When the icecap melts, the lava on top collapses, leaving a flat-topped mountain. These volcanoes are also called table mountains, tuyas, or (uncommonly) mobergs. Very good examples of this type of volcano can be seen in Iceland, however, there are also tuyas in British Columbia. The origin of the term comes from Tuya Butte, which is one of the several tuyas in the area of the Tuya River and Tuya Range in northern British Columbia. Tuya Butte was the first such landform analyzed and so its name has entered the geological literature for this kind of volcanic formation. The Tuya Mountains Provincial Park was recently established to protect this unusual landscape, which lies north of Tuya Lake and south of the Jennings River near the boundary with the Yukon Territory.

Mud volcanoes
Mud volcanoes or mud domes are formations created by geo-excreted liquids and gases, although there are several processes which may cause such activity. The largest structures are 10 kilometers in diameter and reach 700 meters high.

Supervolcanoes
A supervolcano usually has a large caldera and can produce devastation on an enormous, sometimes continental, scale. Such volcanoes are able to severely cool global temperatures for many years after the eruption due to the huge volumes of sulfur and ash released into the atmosphere. They are the most dangerous type of volcano. Examples include: Yellowstone Caldera in Yellowstone National Park and Valles Caldera in New Mexico (both western United States); Lake Taupo in New Zealand; Lake Toba in Sumatra, Indonesia; and Ngorongoro Crater in Tanzania. Because of the enormous area they may cover, supervolcanoes are hard to identify centuries after an eruption. Similarly, large igneous provinces are also considered supervolcanoes because of the vast amount of basalt lava erupted (even though the lava flow is non-explosive).

Submarine volcanoes
Submarine volcanoes are common features of the ocean floor. In shallow water, active volcanoes disclose their presence by blasting steam and rocky debris high above the ocean's surface. In the ocean's deep, the tremendous weight of the water above prevents the explosive release of steam and gases; however, they can be detected by hydrophones and discoloration of water because of volcanic gases. Pillow lava is a common eruptive product of submarine volcanoes and is characterized by thick sequences of discontinuous pillow-shaped masses which form under water. Even large submarine eruptions may not disturb the ocean surface due to the rapid cooling effect and increased buoyancy of water (as compared to air) which often causes volcanic vents to form steep pillars on the ocean floor. Hydrothermal vents are common near these volcanoes, and some support peculiar ecosystems based on dissolved minerals. Over time, the formations created by submarine volcanoes may become so large that they break the ocean surface as new islands or floating pumice rafts.

Stratovolcano
Stratovolcanoes or composite volcanoes are tall conical mountains composed of lava flows and other ejecta in alternate layers, the strata that gives rise to the name. Stratovolcanoes are also known as composite volcanoes because they are created from multiple structures during different kinds of eruptions. Strato/composite volcanoes are made of cinders, ash, and lava. Cinders and ash pile on top of each other, lava flows on top of the ash, where it cools and hardens, and then the process repeats. Classic examples include Mt. Fuji in Japan, Mayon Volcano in the Philippines, and Mount Vesuvius and Stromboli in Italy.

Throughout recorded history, ash produced by the explosive eruption of stratovolcanoes has posed the greatest volcanic hazard to civilizations. Not only do stratovolcanoes have greater pressure build up from the underlying lava flow than shield volcanoes, but their fissure vents and monogenetic volcanic fields (volcanic cones) have more powerful eruptions, as they are many times under extension. They are also steeper than shield volcanoes, with slopes of 30–35° compared to slopes of generally 5–10°, and their loose tephra are material for dangerous lahars.[8] Large pieces of tephra are called volcanic bombs. Big bombs can measure more than 4 feet(1.2 meters) across and weigh several tons.[9]

Fissure vents
Main article: Fissure vent
Volcanic fissure vents are flat, linear fractures through which lava emerges.

Shield volcanoes
Shield volcanoes, so named for their broad, shield-like profiles, are formed by the eruption of low-viscosity lava that can flow a great distance from a vent. They generally do not explode catastrophically. Since low-viscosity magma is typically low in silica, shield volcanoes are more common in oceanic than continental settings. The Hawaiian volcanic chain is a series of shield cones, and they are common in Iceland, as well.

Lava domes
Lava domes are built by slow eruptions of highly viscous lava. They are sometimes formed within the crater of a previous volcanic eruption, as in the case of Mount Saint Helens, but can also form independently, as in the case of Lassen Peak. Like stratovolcanoes, they can produce violent, explosive eruptions, but their lava generally does not flow far from the originating vent.

Cryptodomes
Cryptodomes are formed when viscous lava is forced upward causing the surface to bulge. The 1980 eruption of Mount St. Helens was an example; lava beneath the surface of the mountain created an upward bulge which slid down the north side of the mountain.

http://www.wikihow.com/Fake-Symptoms-of-Being-Sick

How to Fake Symptoms of Being Sick

Decide what illness you are going to fake. Ideally you want something that incapacitates you from major responsibilities without being so serious that others will take you to the doctor or hospital. A cold, fever, or 24-hour bug are all good options. Make sure you know the symptoms you want to fake, and limit your performance to just those.

Start mentioning symptoms the day before you want to fake sick. If you're wanting to stay home from school Monday, act tired and sluggish on Sunday. Say you aren't feeling well, or have a slight headache. Don't eat much and go to bed early. This way when you start showing more severe symptoms it will be more believable.

Jog your memory. You've been sick before, and people have noticed. Think about what it felt like, and what other people noticed the most when you were sick? Try to replicate those symptoms and channel that feeling. It'll be much easier to convince people that you have come down with something you have had before, rather than tackling a whole new ailment.

Make your face pale. If you have green concealer, rub it on your cheeks and forehead to make you appear pale. Don't paint your face green, just slightly change the color of your skin.
Make sure you know how to apply makeup effectively. If you are obviously wearing makeup, you are sure to be caught.

Pretend you're dizzy and lightheaded. Walk slower, with shorter steps. Take your time when getting out of bed or a chair. When you stand up at your desk, pretend to lose your balance a little bit and put your hand on your desk to "regain" your balance.
To remember what being dizzy feels like, wait until you are in private and spin around until you get a little dizzy. Make note of how it feels and how you're acting. When you're in front of others, replicate that behavior, but only slightly.

At 85 years of age, Morris married LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband was so old, LouAnne decided that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepared herself for bed, and waited for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?”

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills.

"Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep better?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked. He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.'"

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said :"Then you use to bite my neck"

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?"she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Frank I'm not around as much as I used to be...but I still hate you guts! Just in case you forgot. Carry on.

http://academictips.org/funny-jokes/42-funny-one-liners/

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.


What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.


A day without sunshine is like, night.

Born free, taxed to death.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

A blind guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a
blonde joke. He immediately heard a deep, booming voice coming from
behind him saying I want you to know that the bartender is a blonde, I'm
a 6'4" bodybuilder and I'm a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde, and those
two guys over on your left are blondes. Are you sure that you want to tell t
hat joke? He says nah, I don't want to have to explain it five fucking times.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk.

He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink – he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over, and still politely – but more firmly – refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

Read more: http://1013thebrew.iheart.com/onair/bret.../#ixzz49FrQ23vs

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Read more: http://1013thebrew.iheart.com/onair/bret.../#ixzz49y8boMlY

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/06/american-idiots-guide-to-brexit.html


Brexit is a faster way of saying, “Britain’s exit from the European Union.” On Thursday, the United Kingdom voted to pursue Brexit.

In 1952, a bunch of European nations decided they were sick of going to war with each other a few times every century. To foster non-zero-sum relationships and co-operative economic growth, the Western European powers formed a common market for the coal and steel trades, which they named, somewhat uncreatively, the European Coal and Steel Community. In 1967, this evolved into a broader free-trade zone called the European Economic Community, which the U.K. joined in 1973. By the early 2000s, these European nations had taken their relationship to the next level — establishing a system of open borders, uniform regulations, a complicated political and economic bureaucracy based in Brussels, and a common currency, the “euro.”


But even then, Britain wasn’t comfortable with that kind of commitment. It retained its own currency (the pound) and didn’t fully dismantle its border controls.

So, if the EU respected Britain’s ambivalence — and agreed to have the geopolitical equivalent of an open relationship — why would the U.K. want to break up?
The short answer is that the EU is kind of a hot mess right now. Also, a lot of British people aren’t crazy about Polish immigrants.

So why does anyone want to stay in the EU?
EU membership is good for the British economy. Or so says David Cameron, President Obama, the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, and most independent economists and large businesses.

Why should I care that this has happened?
Well, the most paranoid alarmists worry that Brexit will trigger a Frexit, which could trigger a Germexit, until the whole EU framework falls apart; and then the combination of slow-growth and ascendant right-wing nationalism could lead to the kind of zero-sum thinking that made Europe a charnel house for much of the 20th century. For all its faults, there’ve been no world wars since the EU was formed.

More immediately (and certainly), Brexit will hurt European economic growth, and that could be a weight on the whole global economy

But why should I, a completely self-centered American, care that this happened?
According to the Washington Post, a Brexit would likely make your mortgage more affordable, your 401k temporarily less valuable, and the idea of spending your next vacation in Britain more appeali