RKMBs Forums .::Important::. Politics and Current Events Cap'n's Log, Supplemental: Confessions of an Adopted Child

This is not a regular Cap'n's Log feature, just something that's been on my mind lately...

I got to meet my birth family last week. It was pretty awkward. I have a 21-year-old sister with a kid, a 15-year-old sister who will be having one next month, and an 18-year-old brother who is going into the Marine Corps next month.

I was blown away by how different my birth family is from the family I know. My mother is a first-grade teacher and my father is a minister. My brother Josh (also adopted, in his case from Guatemala) is sixteen and the worst trouble he ever gets in is forgetting to leave a note when he goes to the mall with his friends. My family doesn't touch alcohol or tobacco, they have what most of us would consider some pretty old-fashioned values, and they're pretty darn protective - even though I'm 21 and only there for the summer.

On the other hand, my birth mother and father were (and for all I know still are) drug users, chain smokers, and heavy drinkers. (Note: I'm not condemning alcohol or tobacco use in and of itself, but those of you who have relatives who abuse either or both of those things should understand where I'm coming from.) They're divorced and my birth mother (I still feel queasy calling her that, I'll tell you why later) gets in fistfights with my older sister all the time, while I have no idea where the heck my birth father is.

I was adopted by my current (really my only) parents when I was 18 months old, but by that time my birth mother had already done her damage. For those of you who don't know, I was born with cerebral palsy because of my birth mother's drug use, and although it doesn't hold me back very much now, it caused loads of trouble when I was younger, along with a whole host of other medical problems my birth mother was generous enough to give me. I had bruises all over me when social services came to take me to my parents (at 18 months!). I could never figure out why I usually need light to sleep until I found out that when I lived with my birth mother, my crib was in the closet.

I'm not really angry at her for what she did, honestly. I'm not the type to hold grudges, and I have to admit things turned out pretty well for me. But it still feels a bit odd thinking about her, and really awkward being around her. At the same time, I feel like I need to be there for my birth siblings, to help them sort out all the emotional baggage and just be a good listener. They all want me around, and I feel like I've been put in this situation for that purpose. It's just really hard to decide what to do.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Man, glad to hear that things worked out for you in the end, Cap--- sounds like adoption was just the ticket for you! Sadly, I see mothers like your birth mother all too often as I do my grocery shopping in a complex right across from a social services building. It's so sad to think about all the kids out there with two and a half strikes against them from birth...

I'm sure it's difficult to be around your birth mother, but it would be very cool of you to try to establish relationships with your sibs--- I'm positive you would be a good influence on them, that's for sure.

Thanks a lot, Matt. :) I'm trying to figure out how to get closer to my siblings without getting them on my birth mother's bad side. She's got a nasty temper, and my 15-year-old sister still lives with her, so if Laurie flies off the handle, then Jaimie is the one to catch the brunt of it.

Shit man. The closet.

You're a credit to yourself and your adoptive parents that you've turned out to be a nice guy.

Thanks Dave. :)

This is inspiring in someways. Several relatives were in the same situation your birth mother was in -- but kept the kids. Bad idea. Now my cousins are just like my aunts and uncles. Dozens (yeah...I know, dozens of cousins...) are in jail. Several are still loose on drug charges. One, last I heard, was charged with a hit and run and fled to Mexico with some narcotics (her mother also killed my grandmother though neglect, so compassion runs high in this family).

However, your siblings are still young and I'm sure they want your help. A few -- very few of my 'kin' did make it through and are now productive members of society instead of leeching off the rest of us.

Like I always say...you don't choose your relatives...

Sounds like you were the lucky one. I don't really have advice for you. You just have to do what you think is right for you.

Wow, I had no idea, Sammitch. Sounds like you really got lucky getting out of their. It's great to hear that sometimes "the system" can work, as you exemplify.

I have one question, though, why weren't your siblings taken away by social services, too? Did your (birth)mother clean up her act enough to meet whatever standards they have?

I don't want to sound insensitive, and I certainly wouldn't condemn the occasional drug/alchohol usage, but this angers me. Many of my friends are potheads or alchoholics(a few are pretty heavy drug users), and every time we see an anti-drug commercial on TV they say how stupid the commercials are, and that the high horsed assholes that produce them should go fuck themselves. I can't tell you how many arguments I've gotten into with them over cases like this. I just don't understand how someone can fuck up their own life, but the lives of those they care about. It's a miracle that some(like you) come out of such a situation relatively unscathed.

Many thanks and a heartfelt BUMP!!!