RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Sacred Brotherhood of Toucans battle the dark forces of the occult at London Zoo!

Early in the morning, before the zoo opens, a message arrives by encrypted pigeon flock. Each of the birds memorises a different part of the communication, then they fly out of sequence to avoid interception by our enemies.

Graham, a senior member of the Sacred Brotherhood of Toucans, quickly translates as the pigeons alight in formation, on the tarmac, in front of our cage, before scattering into the air. After a brief pause he raises his beak and addresses us:

“The Bird Eating Spiders have escaped from their enclosure in the insect house. Each of us know of the sacred oath they have taken to destroy our holy order.”

“Assassins!” cries Walter. “And in the heart of our territory. So it has come to this.”

“I shall consult the Oracle Macaw at once,” I say.

“And I must summon the Queen’s Personal Occultist,” squawks Graham, hopping onto an isolated perch at the top of the cage and ringing a small brass bell that dangles from the bottom of a chain of plastic hoops.

Shortly afterwards, I arrive at the cage of the Oracle Macaw. It is said that a dying Tibetan seer, whispered the last of her prophecies into the parrot’s ear, so that they would live on after her death. The Macaw was captured by the British in the 1970s and housed in London Zoo, where it has been named Binky and is guarded night and day by two of Her Majesty’s footmen.

As I approach the Macaw, I notice that an unkempt, grey-haired ape, of uncertain species, has been moved into the cage opposite. Why this creature has been kept in isolation from the other primates and located in the section of the zoo intended for exhibiting bird life, I do not know. During my conversation with the Oracle, I catch him staring intently at the pair of us.

Today, Binky seems agitated and will only repeat the phrase:

“The tortoise by a hare’s breadth” over and over

As I leave, I notice a string of Leaf-cutter Ants reassembling the fragments of an apple tree, that they have stolen from the Gorilla enclosure, inside the Grey Ape’s cage. Meanwhile the mangy creature skulks in the corner picking lice out of its fur.

At midday I am summoned by my keepers to perform in the Birdtacular Rainforest Extravaganzathon, which aims to provide the public with an insight into how the captive tropical birds of the zoo would behave in their natural environments. For my part, I am required to roller skate around a small track and, later, ride on top of an electric train. I so am preoccupied by the events of earlier in the day, and by the presence of the mysterious grey ape, that I do not put on a good performance and fail to the execute the customary pirouette that is the hallmark of my roller skating routine. After the show is over I do not receive the traditional handful of white grapes from my keeper. Only a sour old pear.

You spent a long time on that didn't you? well, guess what, I didn't read it.

Ditto!

I came back to edit my spelling error, but I still didn't read your post.

Why read all that garbage when you can just lookit me dance!

Llance got himself a bike and a bitch.

it am look like Llance lost some weight.

There's a kid gettin' squished in between 'em too!

That's not a kid, that's YOU'RE GAY.

But what happened to Binky? I must know!

Sir Mix-A-Lot
Baby Got Back

Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt
It is so big
She looks like one of those rap guys girlfriends
Who understands those rap guys
They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute, ok?
I mean her butt
It's just so big
I can't believe it's so round
It's just out there
I mean, it's gross
Look, she's just so black

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up front
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got
Me so horny
Ooh, rub all of that smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz
Well use me, use me cuz you ain't that average groupy

I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette

I'm tired of magazines
saying flat butt's the only thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back, so

Fellas (yeah), fellas (yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)
Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt
Baby got back

(LA face with Oakland booty)

I like'em round and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself
I'm actin like an animal
Now here's my scandal

I wanna get you home
And ugh, double ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
Cuz silicone parts were made for toys
I wannem real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mixalot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Watchin' these bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas
I wanna get with ya
I won't cus or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna fuck
Til the break of dawn
Baby, I got it goin on
A lot of pimps won't like this song
Cuz them punks like to hit it and quit it
But I'd rather stay and play
Cuz I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
If you wanna role in my Mercedes (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back

(LA face with the Oakland booty)

Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo and got nothin to do with my selection
36-24-36
Only if she's 5'3"

So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
Playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hon
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
and tell you that the butt need to go
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your waste is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You ain't it Miss Thang
Give me a sista I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
Cuz his girls were on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And pulled up quick to get with 'em
So ladies if the butt is round
And you wanna triple X throw down
Dial 1-900-mixalot and kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back

Queen
» Fat Bottomed Girls

Are you gonna take me home tonight ?
Ah down beside that red firelight
Are you gonna let it all hang out ?
Fat bottomed girls
You make the rockin' world go round
Hey I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew life before I left my nursery - huh
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me
Hey hey!
Wooh
I've been singing with my band
Across the wire across the land
I seen every blue eyed floozy on the way, hey
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them dirty ladies everytime
C'mon
Oh won't you take me home tonight ?
Oh down beside your red firelight
Oh and you give it all you got
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Hey listen here
Now I got mortgages on homes
I got stiffness in ma' bones
Ain't no beauty Queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh but I still get my pleasure
Still get my greatest treasure
Heap big woman you gonna make a big man out of me
Now get this
Oh (I know) you gonna take me home tonight (please)
Oh down beside that red firelight
Are you gonna let it all hang out ?
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round yeah
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Get on your bikes and ride
Ooh yeah oh yeah them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls
Yeah yeah yeah
Alright, ride 'em, c'mon
Fat bottomed girls - yes yes