RKMBs Forums .::Robegories::. Sports and Wrestling The Velocity Report

Week 2 of the report, and after a dissapointing PPV and patchy Smackdown, can the red-headed stepchild of WEWE programming step up to the mark?

Show opens with a No Mercy recap, closing with the burning casket. Okay, so I know it was one of the better matches on the card, but this makes it look like the main event.

Go to the show, and Simon Dean is out, to loud but short boos. Note: Why does a guy who prides himself on his physical fitness ride down to the ring on that...thing?

Oh, boy, he's got a mic! This is gonna be fun, people!

Yes, we did have a big laugh at No Mercy, Simon. And so did everybody in the arena (presumably this is a reward to everyone who bought the PPV).

As stipulations go, 'loser eats 20 double cheeseburgers' is surely one of the more amusing. Judging by Simon's reaction, I'm guessing they were from Burger King.

Yep, it's Burger King. They made him sick, y'see, so it HAS to be.

My god! He managed to get 2 minutes 30 seconds into a promo without mentioning his 'patented Simon System'.

Note to bookers: Nothing says 'Heel' quite like calling the audience fat.

Jimmy Olsen/Paul London comes out!

Paul gets a hamburger out, and starts mocking Simon! Kick his ass, Mr. Dean!

London starts eating the hamburger! Those thing really do make you fat, London.

Match starts, and London pulls a Konnan and flings the burger at Dean. ORALE!

Couple of hip-tosses from London, and then an armbar-type thing.

Simon gets back to his feet and whips London into the turnbuckle. Floatover and we're back into an abdominal strecth.

Good old fashioned brawling, hip toss from London and a pin! Just a 2 cound, thank god.

London's on the apron! Come on Simon, knock him on his ass!

Dean slams London into the turnbuckle! Yay Simon!

Simon Dean pulls London back into the ring for a pin, but only gets a 1 count.

The ref won't let Dean use his cast to hit London! How come they never did that to Cowboy Bob?

Dean kicks Smackdown's dreariest cruiserweight in the chest.

Sunset flip from London! Maybe he's not as bad as I thought. Only a 2 count, though.

Dean for a pin, but another 2 count.

Abdominal stretch from Dean!

London gets some knees to Simon's head, and then kicks him to break the hold. Goes on the offensive, hitting some good clotheslines and a spinning heel kick.

London enziguris Simon to the mat for a 2 count!

Mushrrom Stomp, front dropkick to the ringpost, and a rollup! Can Lodnon get this one?

Nah.

2 count, but Dean's on the mat! London hits The Standing Shooting Star Press...right onto Dean's cast. Ouch.

Simonizer and pin, and Simon Dean gets the win! Yay Simon!

Next match is Kid Kash vs. Funaki. Should be quite good.

Kid Kash is the first out. Cut to a really crappy promo from him. I mean, gawd, Kash, get your act together!

Lock up and wrist-lock to Funaki. Then wrist-lock to Kash. Headlock to Funaki. Yawn.

No mention of TNA, I note.

Headlock to Kash. This is boring.

Dropkick from Funaki! Finally, some real wrestling!

Hip toss and ground headlock. Enough with the headlocks!

2 count to Funaki, then 1 count.

This is crappy. I mean, most of the moves have been low-level holds. Give us action!

Kash does that head-flining thing to ground Funaki. Then he goes for a pin, but only gets a 2 count.

Cool wristlock flip from Funaki.

Oh fucking hell, another Headlock?

Alright! Bank-roll from the K-I-D and a pin! 2 count though.

Dont'cha just hate it when they talk to the ref?

Snapmare and kick to the back of Funaki from Kash.

Reverse Chin Lock from Kash, but at least it's not a headlock.

Sort of a spinebuster type move from Kash, and a 2 count.

Nice Enziguri from Funaki!

Everybody has a lie down!

Kash whips Funaki into the turnbuckle, and the match appears to be picking up!

Kick to the face of Kash!

Back body drop on Kash, and it gets insane height on it! That's wrestling!

Bulldog Facebuster by Funaki! Again, this is what actual wrestling is, not headlocks!

2 and 3 quarter count by Funaki!

Crossbody by Funaki! It's not as good as Brian Kendrick's, but his is just AWESOME!

Another 2 and 3 quarter count! C'mon Kash, get the hell out already!

Kash is irish whipped into the turnbuckle but leaps up to the second rope!

Leaps up to the top and hits a moonsault! Nice.

A pin by Kash only gets 2, but I coulda sworn it was a 3.

An attempt at a Tornado DDT is reversed bvy Kash into a sort of Muscle Buster Neckbreaker!

1-2-3, and Kash gets the victory!

1st half of the match as pure shit, the second half was quite good.

they only had two matches?

No, but I haven't got round to seeing the last two segments yet.

ahh.

Next segment's a recap of the whole Eddie/Randy thing from Smackdown.

Not too bad, actually. Randy's got a great dropkick, up there with Holly's.

Can't Cowboy Bob do the Superplex anymore? We don't see it.

Batista and Eddie would make an...interesting team. But not as cool as Eddie and Chavo.

Time for this week's main event, and It's Hardcore Holly vs. Big Gay Sylvan, the gayest man in wrestling (other than Rob, but he's really more of a fan, y'know?)

Sylvan's entrance is gay.

Holly's surprisingly popular, considering his 'King of Velocity' thing.

Match opens with Holly firmly in control, as he puncehes Sylvan the ass-pirate around before back body dropping him.

Clothesline out of the ring.

Now Sylvan's lying in the audience.

We're back in the ring, and Sylvan makes a brief comeback before having to flee the ring. Holly follows him, of course.

Sylvan kicks Holly off the apron!

Holly chant starts up as Sylvan drops the knee on him! Now we're getting going.

Man, Holly looks old. Well, he is pretty old, but y'know. Which reminds me, isn't this guy as Old as 'Taker?

Some good heat for Sylvan. He should team with The HearthROBs.

Back drop on Holly. Grenier's not looking too bad anymore.

1 count to Sylvan. Then a 2 count.

Looks like an old-style Walls of Jericho from Sylvan. It looks so much better than Jericho's did right before he left.

Romero and Matthews are looking good in the booth.

Hardcore breaks the hold (finally), and hits an amazing dropkick. This is probably the best dropkick in professional wrestling, people! God-DAMN!

Full nelson Slam from Holly!

This match is too slow.

Sylvan's going for his finisher, but Holly reverses it into a good small pakcage! Which is strangely appropriate when you're facing Sylvan.

3 count for Holly, and he picks up the win!

There's some nonsense after the match involving a steel chair, but it's not that interesting really.

All in all, not a great show.