RKMBs Forums .::Robegories::. Media The JM Review: Piranha 3D

While pretenders to the throne cut an' paste an' plagiarize sources, good ol' JM is here to give you the straight dope about this flick based solely on the only source that matters: his own two eyes. Let's begin!

So what's this flick about?

Really? You really want a plot synopsis? Who gives a fuck about plot! The plot of Piranha 3D is like practice to Allen Iverson. It's like buying Playboy for the articles! If your decision to see this flick is based on the plot, then you probably also spend your time debating the merits of Creationism or taking courses in stand-up comedy or fantasizing about punching people in the face. Fuck you. Let's get to the blood an' boobs and bonus shit!

You forget. King Snarf reads these boards.

Yeah, okay. So...plot. An earthquake opens up a tunnel between an huge, prehistoric piranha-infested underground lake and the local spring break hotspot. Piranhas reach the surface lake. Chaos ensues.

Was that so hard?

A part of me died inside.

It should be noted that this is less of a remake/reimagining and more of the "take the title, a coupl'a plot points, and run with it" type of film. Comparable to, not surprisingly enough, My Bloody Valentine 3D.

So was it good?

Meh.

MEH??? That's no fucking answer!

Okay, it was a two-star movie out of four, or two-and-a-half outta five. There just wasn't enough of anything one would want to see in that movie. There was less gore - not blood, but actual gore - than I expected based on interviews with the director. The 3D wasn't as good as MBV3D. And you'd think that a movie that takes place during Spring Break, with a GGW guy as a main character, would be a movie with titties on every frame. You'd be wrong.

No gore??

Plenty of blood. Buckets of it. But there was a great opportunity to go ape-shit with practical gore effects, and it was blown. Eli Roth's death alone, instead of making me stand up and cheer, just made me kinda shake my head. And that's the way it was across the board: blood in the water, CG for the kills and gore, and make-up for the wounds. Bummer, dude.

No boobies?!?

Don't get me wrong. There was serious boobage. There were topless flashes. Kelly Brook is suh-mokin'. And y'know the phrase, "Abs you could bounce a quarter off of?" Riley Steele has an ass you could bounce your nuts off of. Just a nice, tight little body. Some full frontal for her, one of the best kills, and a great fake titty joke as well. All without the pain of her actually having any lines. In fact, these two kinda made the film with their combined nudity and naked dance under the water scenes. But overall there needed to be more skin.

But what about Gianna??? Didn't she amp the titty factor to obscene levels???

Gianna had about 90 seconds of screen time, mostly in distance shots. Flashes of tits, and one solid look at the boobs from mid-range. But no close-ups, and no 3D effects on dem tittays. Her death scene aside (which was one of the better ones), she represented another missed opportunity.

Everyone has now checked out of this post, but it should be asked: was there ANYTHING good about this movie???

Jerry O'Connell steals the fucking show. Christopher Lloyd steals the fucking show. The actual fish looked great. Kelly and Riley made this flick watchable. And, complaints about Roth's death aside, any film that features Eli Roth get killed can't be all bad.

And the 3D?

It was used to great effect in some places, but overall it looked like an afterthought. In MBV3D, the 3D was EVERYWHERE! You got your money's worth. Even when something wasn't getting flung at you or rolling towards you or whatever, it was used to add depth the the actual environment. Piranha 3D, however, seemed to have been made as a normal movie first, with 3D added last-minute, and it shows. There were plenty of times when I lifted my glasses and found nothing lost in the translation. Again, another missed opportunity.

Final verdict?

In its current form, a renter. Put it in your NetFlix queue and watch it when nothing else it pressing. If an uncut "Special Edition" comes out, pay close attention to what the bonus features are, and how much was added to it to make it "Uncut." Then make your decision.

Freeones.com for Riley and Gianna.

I gave this thread ten stars...

thedoctor Moderator Timelord. Drunkard.
15000+ posts 09/01/10 09:28 PM Reading a post
Forum: Media
Thread: The JM Review: Piranha 3D

As played out as the Who's Online Obsessor, JLA.

JLA is the Chevy Chase of the internet.

He's streets ahead.