Stranger: whats the meaning of life?
You: Is this your homework, Larry?
You: Is this your homework, Larry?
Stranger: nope
You: Look, man, did you--
You: Dude, please!. . . Is this your
homework, Larry?
Stranger: yes it is
You: Just ask him if he--ask him about
the car, man!
Stranger: he says its wrecked
You: Is this yours, Larry? Is this your
homework, Larry?
You: Is the car out front yours?
Stranger: yes
Stranger: i can only save the mirror
You: Look, Larry. . . Have you ever heard
of Vietnam?
Stranger: the one on the right
You: Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter!
Stranger: yes it is a chinese food
You: You're going to enter a world of
pain, son. We know that this is
your homework. We know you stole a
car--
You: And the fucking money. And we know
that this is your homework, Larry.
Stranger: it wasnt me
Stranger: i swear
You: You're gonna KILL your FATHER, Larry!
Stranger: no he IS ALREADY DEAD
You: All right, Plan B. You might want
to watch out the front window there,
Larry.
Stranger: jajaja
Stranger: i dont have any
You: This is what happens when you FUCK a
STRANGER in the ASS, Larry.
Stranger: i am in a basement
You: Fucking language problem, Dude.
Stranger: or was it a roof
You: Maybe he'll understand this.
Stranger: i dont remember
You: YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY!
You: YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?!
Stranger: no i dont
You: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A
STRANGER IN THE ASS!
You: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY!
Stranger: i didnt
Stranger: unless
You: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS! FUCK A STRANGER
IN THE ASS!
Stranger: sally is it you????
You: WHAT THE FUCK JOO DOING, MANG?!
Stranger: weird meeting you here
You: I JUS' BAWDEEZ FUCKEEN CAR LASS WEEK!
You: I KILL JOO, MANG! I--I KILL JOR
FUCKEEN CAR!
Stranger: so long time without seeing you
You: No! No! NO! THAT'S NOT--
Stranger: no, it was a lamp
You: I FUCKEEN KILL JOR FUCKEEN CAR!
Stranger: its already dead
You: I KILL JOR FUCKEEN CAR!
Stranger: right mirror remember?
You: I accept your apology. . . No I, I
just want to handle it myself from
now on. . . No. That has nothing to
do with it. . . .Yes, it made it
home, I'm calling from home. No,
Walter, it didn't look like Larry
was about to crack.
Stranger: iam not on crack
Stranger: are you?
You: Well that's your perception. . .
Well you're right, Walter, and the
unspoken Message is FUCK YOU AND
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. . . Yeah,
I'll be at practice.
Stranger: practicing waht?
Stranger: what?
You: You're not dealing with morons here.
Stranger: i didnt think so
You: Hello Dude, thanks for coming. I'm
Jackie Treehorn.
You: This is quite a pad you got here,
man. Completely unspoiled.
Stranger: you are welcome I am james bond
You: What's your drink, Dude?
Stranger: wishky
You: White Russian, thanks. How's the
smut business, Jackie?
You: I wouldn't know, Dude. I deal in
publishing, entertainment, political
advocacy, and--
You: Which one was Logjammin'?
Stranger: john
You: Regrettably, it's true, standards
have fallen in adult entertainment.
It's video, Dude. Now that we're
competing with the amateurs, we can't
afford to invest that little extra
in story, production value, feeling.
Stranger: remeber john?
Stranger: tall guy
Stranger: was with sandra the last time
You: Walter, if you're there, pick up the
fucking phone. Pick it up, Walter,
this is an emergency. I'm not--
Stranger: i am sending police your way
You: Dude?
You: Walter, listen, I'm at my place, I
need you to come pick me up--
Stranger: how do you dial 911 for arizona?
You: I can't drive, Dude, it's erev
shabbas.
Stranger: its international
You: Huh?
Stranger: i dont eat that
You: Erev shabbas. I can't drive. I'm
not even supposed to pick up the
phone, unless it's an emergency.
Stranger: only hamburguers
You: It is a fucking emergency.
You: I understand. That's why I picked
up the phone.
Stranger: what is erev shabbas
You: THEN WHY CAN'T YOU--fuck, never mind,
just call Donny then, and ask him to--
Stranger: to...
You: Dude, I'm not supposed to make calls--
You: WALTER, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, WE GOTTA
GO TO PASADENA! COME PICK ME UP OR
I'M OFF THE FUCKING BOWLING TEAM!
Stranger: cool i will get my beretta
You: Who the fuck are you, man! Come on,
man!
You: Relax, man! No physical harm
intended!
Stranger: i am larry
You: Who the fuck are you? Why've you
been following me? Come on, fuckhead!
You: Hey, relax man, I'm a brother shamus.
Stranger: not with my head
You: Brother Shamus? Like an Irish monk?
Stranger: i mean what kind of sex education did you have
You: Irish m--What the fuck are you talking
about? My name's Da Fino! I'm a
private snoop! Like you, man!
Stranger: unless you mean oral sex
You: Huh?
Stranger: fuckhead= oral sex?
You: A dick, man! And let me tell you
something: I dig your work. Playing
one side against the other--in bed
with everybody--fabulous stuff, man.
Stranger: i would have to think that
You: I'm not a--ah, fuck it, just stay
away from my fucking lady friend,
man.
Stranger: thank you i am pretty proud
You: Hey hey, I'm not messing with your
special lady--
Stranger: i will tell her to go then
You: She's not my special lady, she's my
fucking lady friend. I'm just helping
her conceive, man!
You: Hey, man, I'm not--
Stranger: well she told me she needed a hand
You: Who're you working for? Lebowski?
Jackie Treehorn?
Stranger: eris
You: The Gundersons.
You: The? Who the fff--
Stranger: no, the erisian liberation front
You: The Gundersons. It's a wandering
daughter job. Bunny Lebowski, man.
Her real name is Fawn Gunderson.
Her parents want her back.
You: Crazy, huh? Ran away a year ago.
You: Boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on
the farm once they seen Karl Hungus.
Stranger: more paranoid than crazy
You: Fuck, man! That's terrible!
Stranger: yes
You: Yeah, it sucks.
You: Well maybe you and me could pool our
resources--trade information--
professional courtesy--compeers, you
know--
Stranger: but they were following him anyway
You: Yeah, I get it. Fuck off, Da Fino.
And stay away from my special la--
from my fucking lady friend.
Stranger: i mean following him just for selling some nuclear lunch codes?
Stranger: thats fucked up?
You: His million bucks was never in it,
man! There was no money in that
briefcase! He was hoping they'd
kill her! You throw out a ringer
for a ringer!
You: Yeah?
Stranger: no
You: Shit yeah!
Stranger: eh no
You: Okay, but how does all this add up
to an emergency?
Stranger: eh no
You: Huh?
Stranger: yep
You: I'm saying, I see what you're getting
at, Dude, he kept the money, but my
point is, here we are, it's shabbas,
the sabbath, which I'm allowed to
break only if it's a matter of life
and death--
Stranger: then take the donkey out of the hole
You: Walter, come off it. You're not
even fucking Jewish, you're--
You: What the fuck are you talking about?
You: You're fucking Polish Catholic--
Stranger: nope
You: What the fuck are you talking about?
I converted when I married Cynthia!
Come on, Dude!
You: Yeah, and you were--
Stranger: did they cut...
You: You know this!
Stranger: well...
Stranger: you know...
You: And you were divorced five fucking
years ago.
You: Yeah? What do you think happens
when you get divorced? You turn in
your library card? Get a new driver's
license? Stop being Jewish?
You: I'm as Jewish as fucking Tevye
You: It's just part of your whole sick
Cynthia thing. Taking care of her
fucking dog. Going to her fucking
synagogue. You're living in the
fucking past.
Stranger: do you have a violin?
You: Three thousand years of beautiful
tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax--
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I LIVE IN THE
PAST! I--Jesus. What the hell
happened?
Stranger: i mean its hard to play on the roof
You: Who's this gentleman, Dude?
Stranger: and having you daughter marry a catholic
You: Who'm I? I'm a fucking VETERAN!
Stranger: thats hard
You: You shouldn't go in there, Dude!
He's very angry
Stranger: that means you cure people for a living?
You: Where's the money, Lebowski?
Stranger: its a really good profession
You: A MILLION BUCKS FROM FUCKING NEEDY
LITTLE URBAN ACHIEVERS! YOU ARE
SCUM, MAN!
Stranger: in the closet you came out from
You: Who the hell is he?
You: We know the briefcase was empty,
man. We know you kept the million
bucks yourself.
Stranger: no i am not
You: Well, you have your story, I have
mine. I say I entrusted the money
to you, and you stole it.
Stranger: do you think that if i have a million dollars i would be chatting here?
You: AS IF WE WOULD EVER DREAM OF TAKING
YOUR BULLSHIT MONEY!
Stranger: well meaybe i would be
You: You thought Bunny'd been kidnapped
and you could use it as a pretext to
make some money disappear. All you
needed was a sap to pin it on, and
you'd just met me. You thought,
hey, a deadbeat, a loser, someone
the square community won't give a
shit about.
You: Well? Aren't you?
You: Well. . . yeah.
You: All right, get out. Both of you.
You: Look at that fucking phony, Dude!
Pretending to be a fucking
millionaire!
You: I said out. Now.
Stranger: ok
You: Let me tell you something else.
I've seen a lot of spinals, Dude,
and this guy is a fake. A fucking
goldbricker.
Stranger: i am out now what?
You: This guy fucking walks. I've never
been more certain of anything in my
life!
You: Stay away from me, mister!
Stranger: maybe he likes the wheelchair
You: Walk, you fucking phony!
Stranger: you know with a little motor on the back
You: Put me down, you son of a bitch!
You: Walter!
Stranger: you can get to 120 miles per hour on those babys
You: It's all over, man! We call your
fucking bluff!
Stranger: and they are electrical
Stranger: so really green
You: WALTER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! HE'S
CRIPPLED! PUT HIM DOWN!
You: Sure, I'll put him down, Dude. RAUSS!
ACHTUNG, BABY!!
Stranger: like the million dollars i stole from you
You: Oh, shit.
Stranger: jajaja
You: You're bullies! Cowards, both of
you!
Stranger: go to the bathroom men
You: Oh, shit.
Stranger: stop shitting around the chat room
You: He can't walk, Walter!
Stranger: its getting smelly here
You: Yeah, I can see that, Dude.
You: You monsters!
You: Help me put him back in his chair.
Stranger: aliens actually
You: Shit, sorry man.
Stranger: he has a taser
Stranger: again?
You: Stay away from me! You bullies!
You and these women! You won't leave
a man his fucking balls!
Stranger: what do you have, diarreah
Stranger: ?
You: Walter, you fuck!
You: Shit, Dude, I didn't know. I
wouldn't've done it if I knew he was
a fucking crybaby.
Stranger: i dont want to now
Stranger: to many people
You: We're sorry, man. We're really sorry.
Stranger: i get inhibited
You: Shit. He didn't look like a spinal.
Stranger: you should be
You: Sure you'll see some tank battles.
But fighting in desert is very
different from fighting in canopy
jungle.
You: Uh-huh.
You: I mean 'Nam was a foot soldier's war
whereas, uh, this thing should be a
fucking cakewalk. I mean I had an
M16, Jacko, not an Abrams fucking
tank. Just me and Charlie, man,
eyeball to eyeball.
Stranger: thats why we moved all that people to the desert
Stranger: we didnt want to fight them on the jungle
You: Yeah.
Stranger: who wants another vietnam?
You: That's fuckin' combat. The man in
the black pyjamas, Dude. Worthy
fuckin' adversary.
Stranger: you do dont you?
You: Who's in pyjamas, Walter?
Stranger: ninjas
You: Shut the fuck up, Donny. Not a bunch
of fig-eaters with towels on their
heads tryin' to find reverse on a
Soviet tank. This is not a worthy--
Stranger: or was it pirates
Stranger: i dont remember
You: What's this "day of rest" shit, man?!
Stranger: stop shitting
You: What is this bullshit, man? I don't
fucking care! It don't matter to
Jesus! But you're not fooling me!
You might fool the fucks in the league
office, but you don't fool Jesus!
It's bush league psych-out stuff!
Laughable, man! I would've fucked
you in the ass Saturday, I'll fuck
you in the ass next Wednesday instead!
Stranger: or piss maybe
You: You got a date Wednesday, man!
Stranger: with whom?
You: He's cracking.
You: A tree of life, Dude. To all who
cling to it.
Stranger: you will patch him up afterwards
Stranger: tarot
You: They finally did it. They killed my
fucking car.
You: Vee vant zat money, Lebowski.
Stranger: i can lend you a mirror
You: Ja, uzzervize vee kill ze girl.
Stranger: thats all i have left from mine
You: Ja, it seems you forgot our little
deal, Lebowski.
Stranger: nope
Stranger: you forgot
You: You don't have the fucking girl,
dipshits. We know you never did.
So you've got nothin' on my Johnson.
Stranger: what is a script?
Stranger: and why are you running one on the site
Stranger: ?
You: Are these the Nazis, Walter?
You: They're nihilists, Donny, nothing to
be afraid of.
Stranger: and how did you get all the dialogues
Stranger: ahhh subtitles
You: Vee don't care. Vee still vant zat
money or vee fuck you up.
Stranger: niceeeee
You: Ja, vee still vant ze money. Vee
sreaten you.
Stranger: actually its niiiiiiiice
You: Fuck you. Fuck the three of you.
You: Hey, cool it Walter.
Stranger: i dont know why we write niceeeeeee
You: There's no ransom if you don't have
a fucking hostage. That's what ransom
is. Those are the fucking rules.
You: Zere ARE no ROOLZ!
You: NO RULES! YOU CABBAGE-EATING SONS-
OF- BITCHES--
Stranger: i am not from ankh morpork
You: His girlfriend gafe up her toe! She
sought we'd be getting million
dollars! Iss not fair!
Stranger: he is
You: Fair! WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST
HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF
FUCKING CRYBABIES?!
Stranger: carrot is his name
You: Hey, cool it Walter. Listen, pal,
there never was any money. The big
Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase,
man, so take it up with him.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
