http://adriftandawake.wordpress.com/2009/08/10/yes-we-hate-nice-guys-heres-why/August 10, 2009...3:20 pm
Yes, we hate Nice Guys. Here’s why:
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In the wake of the Sodini shooting, there’s been a lot of talk about Nice Guys. It’s interesting to me because I planned to post a condemnation of Nice Guys when I registered this blog. So I suppose now is as good a time as any to add my thoughts on them.
First things first. The usual disclaimer applies. There are guys who simply happen to be nice. Whoever they are, well they’re alright. I guess. Then there are Nice Guys. These bad seeds are not alright. Oh no, not at all.
How does one tell the difference between the former and the latter?
If a guy has ever said or thought anything remotely like “I’m a Nice Guy, so why don’t women like me more?”, then he is probably a Nice Guy. If he is angry and resentful at women who rejected him even though he was so nice to them, then he is definitely a Nice Guy.
A lot of people try to explain why women hate Nice Guys, and come up with reasons like “Well, it’s because they’re not assertive enough, they lack confidence etc”. Maybe. But it seems like an inadequate explanation to me, and only part of the story.
The real reason we hate Nice Guys is because they’re not actually nice. At all.
It’s a facade. An act.
But not a very good act. I mean, you can always tell there’s something a bit off about their “niceness”.
Here’s the thing, Nice Guys are passive-aggressive manipulators. For the Nice Guy, niceness is simply a tool he can use in order to get something else: a date, sex, access to your life savings and collection of pre-war mint condition coins or whatever.
Invariably, Nice Guys have an overblown sense of entitlement. The way the Nice Guy sees it, he has fulfilled some (usually shallow) criteria, like being clean-shaven. Or buying you flowers or something. And therefore he is now entitled to a date, or sex, or a relationship, or your eternal soul (if satan was real, he would be a Nice Guy. Fact.)
And when it doesn’t work, he will get all bitter and surprised. “But I did all the right things! I was nice, dammit! And the bitches still don’t want me!”
Nice Guys often feel entitled to women who are much more attractive or younger than themselves too. When Nice Guys say “No women like me” what they really mean is “The women I like don’t like me back”. And these women will probably be out of his league (I know it’s terribly gauche to talk about “leagues”, but lets face it, there are tiers when it comes to dating).
When the Nice Guy gets rejected (which he will, often), he will take it personally. He will choose to believe that the woman rejected him because she wants to hurt him deliberately. It is inconceivable that the woman rejected him because she is simply not interested in him.
This is because the Nice Guy doesn’t see women as human beings, with agency or interests. To the Nice Guy, women are merely Gatekeepers to a Vagina, Status Symbols, Cheap Housekeepers, Incubators For His Genetic Material, or Pretty Decorations.
So. Now all that is out of the way, I thought it might be interesting to look at typical Nice Guy behaviour. This is based partly on Nice Guys I have been unfortunate enough to meet, or hear about via friends. Also on what Nice Guys write about themselves on the internet.
typical Nice Guy behaviour:
They come on too strong, and expect too much too soon. You’ve gone on two dates yet the Nice Guy has already changed his facebook status to “In a relationship”. When you understandably freak out, you find yourself having to go through a long, extended “break up” with a guy who was never your boyfriend in the first place. He simply decided for himself that you two were an item, because he doesn’t think you have any agency anyway.
Nice Guys flatter women in ways that are obviously insincere. Like: “You have the most amazing eyes”, when you know perfectly well your eyes are rather meh and unamazing. Instead of paying you a sincere compliment they would rather just tell you what they think you (ie. all women) want to hear.
Nice Guys tend to fall back on stereotypical romantic behaviour: flowers, chocolates, expensive dinners at French restaurants. This is because they believe all women are robots alike, and that they can win over any woman simply by checking the right boxes, and throwing around a few credit cards.
Nice Guys have a problem with women in general. Every woman except for YOU, that is. You’re the single exception to all the bitches, whack-jobs, sluts and ball-breakers out there.
Nice Guys often speak in an insulting way about other people. Especially other chicks. They’ll try and twist it around and make it seem like they are complimenting you in the process. Example: “Gee, your friend Jane is really neurotic. I’m so glad you’re not like that.” They’ll also dis other men, often for their perceived bad behaviour towards women: “That Brad dude is such a womaniser, it’s despicable!”. However, when Brad-the-womaniser is around, Nice Guy will act very Nice to his face, because he is actually in awe of his womanising skills and secretly jealous.
Nice Guys offer unsolicited, over-the-top help, only to use it as guilt-trip fodder later on. Examples: “Let me drive you to the airport even though I’ll have to borrow my estranged mother’s car and take the morning off work to do so!”. Or: “I know we’ve only known each other for a fortnight, but let me cover your rent next week. I can see you’re having a rough time and I just want to help you out!” The second example is based on a true story (Yes, I accepted the money. Yes, I regretted it. Never again!)
Nice Guys only do nice things as a means to end, never out of niceness. It doesn’t matter what it is: buying you a present, listening to you, paying you a compliment. It all comes with strings attached whether you know it or not. They will keep a running tally of all the Nice Things they have done for you, and if you ever have an argument all the Nice Things will be brought up in sequence to shame and guilt you.
Nice Guys always play the victim. If you ever call them out on something they will try and twist it around and make it seem like they’re doing it for your benefit. Example: “I wish you didn’t complain so much when I make plans to see my other friends.” Nice Guy response: “But don’t you see, I complain so you will know how much I care, and how much I hate not being able to see you every night! It shows you how Nice I am!”
If they get far enough with you, Nice Guys will try to ingratiate themselves with your family. This is so you will hopefully realise that the Nice Guy is right for you, because after all, your family loves him! Some Nice Guys will also use this as a way to manipulate you later on “You know, I was talking to your brother the other day and we both think you should …”
If you end things with a Nice Guy, he will inevitably turn into the most vindictive, nasty, stalkerish loon you have ever met in your life. Slashed tyres, workplace sabotage, revenge porn: nothing is beneath the Nice Guy, because you had no right to break up with someone so nice in the first place you selfish cow!
…
I’m sure there is more, but that’ll have to do for now.
If you want a laugh, check out the The Nice Guy comic, which I discovered via Crimitism (who has written a brilliant post about Nice Guys).
http://www.theniceguycomic.com/comics.htmThe Nice Guy comic is quite possibly the most hilarious thing on the net. Not because of the witty, groundbreaking writing, or the charming illustrations. But because it does a ripper job of exposing Nice Guys for the self-interested, entitled, emotional cripples they really are, even though the author’s intention is for us to sympathise with the Nice Guy – to laugh and cry with him and cheer him on!
Unless it’s all an elaborate ruse, and we’re only supposed to think that we’re supposed to sympathise with the Nice Guy, and the author’s true intention is to expose the horror and tedium of Nice Guys in a stealthy way. In which case: well done. You’re very crafty.
