OSAMA BIN LADEN: Okay people, it's been a while since we've had a major terrorist action. As you can see on this Excel graph, Al-Qaeda Extremist Activity is down 13% from last quarter and 47% from last year.
Our stock is tumbling! Other Terrorist Organizations see this as an opportunity. Hamas, Inc. is plotting a Hostile Takeover of Al-Qaeda Hostilities. We're supposed to be the #1 supplier of global threats!
Do we really want to go back to a time of peace and prosperity?
That's what I thought.
Now I'll turn the meeting over to Senior Marketing Director, Khalid Muhammed Ali Abdul-Jabaar.
ABDUL-JABAAR: Let's bring it back to basics. We all remember the 4 P's of Marketing:
Product.
Price.
Place.
Pipe-Bombs.
While the Bush Administration has done a fantastic job of creating hatred for Americans across the globe, we cannot rely on his hand outs. We must do more ourselves.
We must be sure to increase despair and hopelessness in our target demographic: young, horny men.
Then with intense religious pressure forbidding them from sex, we will turn their sexual energy into pure anger and violence and direct it at America.
So we need to be sure that every young man in the world watches nothing but the American television programs "Yes, Dear" and "My Wife and Kids." Then we will have lines 10 miles long of people volunteering to be suicide bombers!
And onto more immediate news... this year's annual office holiday party will be in the Grand Hall of the Beirut Holiday Inn! We will celebrate the anti-Christmas!
OSAMA BIN LADEN: It's not just about anti-Christmas. We're down with the Jewish customs. Look, just today I was making plans to celebrate Ha-Nuke-Ah! Get it? Ha-NUKE-Ah! HA HA HA HA!
