RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck

your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

he refers to Klingons as "Critters"

he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

he paints the starship John Deere green

he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

he sets phaser to "Cajun"

Ground Control to Major Tom
Ground Control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

Ground Control to Major Tom
Commencing countdown, engines on
Check ignition and may God's love be with you

(spoken)
Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Liftoff

This is Ground Control to Major Tom
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare

"This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do

Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much she knows"

Ground Control to Major Tom
Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you....

"Here am I floating round my tin can
Far above the Moon
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do."

The Captain gives the order to attack by saying "Let kick some ass"

When I was back there in seminary school, there was a person there who put forth the proposition that you can petition the Lord with prayer.
Petition the lord with prayer. Petition the lord with prayer.
YOU CANNOT PETITION THE LORD WITH PRAYER!

Can you give me sanctuary?
I must find a place to hide
A place for me to hide
Can you find me soft asylum?
I can't make it anymore
The Man is at the door

Peppermint
Miniskirts
Chocolate candy
Champion sax and a girl named Sandy
There's only four ways to get unraveled
One is to sleep and the other is travel, da da
One is a bandit up in the hills
One is to love your neighbor 'till
His wife gets home
Catacombs
Nursery bones
Winter women growing stones
Carrying babies to the river
Streets and shoes
Avenues
Leather riders
Selling news
The monk
Bought
Lunch

(Ha ha, he bought a little, Yes, he did, Woo!)

(This is the best part of the trip, this is the trip... the best part... I really like)

(What'd he say? Yeah! Yeah, right!)

(Pretty good, huh, Huh! Yeah, I'm proud to be a part of this number)

Successful hills are here to stay
Everything must be this way
Gentle streets where people play
Welcome to the Soft Parade

All our lives we sweat and save
Building for a shallow grave
Must be something else we say
Somehow to defend this place

Everything must be this way
Everything must be this way, yeah

The Soft Parade has now begun
Listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun
A cobra on my left
Leopard on my right, yeah

The deer woman in a silk dress
Girls with beads around their necks
Kiss the hunter of the green vest
Who has wrestled before
With lions in the night

Out of sight!
The lights are getting brighter
The radio is moaning
Calling to the dogs
There are still a few animals, left out in the yard

But it's getting harder
To describe sailors
To the underfed
Tropic corridor
Tropic treasure

What got us this far
To this mild equator?
We need someone or something new
Something else to get us through, yeah, c'mon

Callin' on the dogs...
Callin' on the dogs...
Oh, it's gettin' harder
Callin' on the dogs...
Callin' in the dogs...
Callin' all the dogs...

Callin' on the gods...

You gotta meet me
Too late, baby
Slay a few animals
At the crossroads
Too late

All in the yard
But it's gettin' harder
By the crossroads
You gotta meet me
Oh, we're goin', we're goin great

At the edge of town
Tropic corridor
Tropic treasure
Havin' a good time
Got to come along

What got us this far
To this mild equator?
Outskirts of the city
You and I

We need someone new
Somethin' new
Somethin' else to get us through
Better bring your gun
Better bring your gun

Tropic corridor
Tropic treasure
We're gonna ride and have some fun...

When all else fails, we can whip the horse's eyes, and make them sleep, and cry.

Captain Jimbo Hazzard and the USS General Lee.

With Lt.'s Coy & Vance as the guys in redshirts.

grits and greens strike again!

I dedicate this song to the workin' man
For ever' man that puts in a hard
Eight or ten hours a day of work and toil and sweat
Always got somebody lookin' down his neck
Tryin' to get more out of 'im
Than he really ought to have to put in.

After twenty-nine long years of workin'
In this shop with Oney standin' over me ...
Today when that old whistle blows
I'll check in all my gear and I'll retire ...

The superintendent just dropped by and said
They'd planned my little get together ...
Then he said I'd never a made it
If old Oney hadn't held me to the fire.

I've seen him in my dreams at night
And woke up in the mornin' feelin' tired ...
And old Oney don't remember, when I came here
How he tried to get me fired ...
With his folded hands behind him
Every mornin' Oney waited at the gate ...
Where he'd rant and rave like I committed murder
Clockin' in five minutes late.

But today they'll gather 'round me
Like I've seen 'em do when any man retires
Then old Oney's gonna tell me
From now on I'm free to do what I desire ...

He'll present me with that little old gold watch
They give a man at times like this ...
But there's one thing he's not countin' on
Today's the day I give old Oney his.

I've been workin', buildin' muscles
Oney's just been standin' 'round a gettin' soft
And today about four-thirty
I'll make up for every good night's sleep I've lost ...
When I'm gone I'll be remembered
As the workin' man who put his point across
With a right hand full of knuckles
'Cause today I show old Oney who's the boss.

Hmmmm! What time is it? Four thirty!
Hey, Oney!
Oney! Ha ha ha ha!

Can I get a Whoop-Whoop?

...

WHOOP!

You just might be a Jedi redneck if:

Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used a light-saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.