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Banned from the DCMBs since 2002. 15000+ posts
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 15,367 Likes: 14 |
quote:
Originally posted by Stupid Dogg:
PAGE 1:
Description: Black page. The writing is a prologue in white bold ISOCP style font.
An accident happened.
Asteroid Quadriphony was on course to run into Asteroid I965. The result of a collision would mean loss in the life of millions. To prevent this, a plan was hastily put together to set A-I965 on a new course. The small-scale explosion caused a chunk to speed toward Quadriphony, with no time to prevent a hit. As fate would have it, the nuclear fusion capacitor that ran Quadriphony was damaged due to the impact.
A distress call was made immediately to Mars. A ship large enough to house 3 million-plus had to be quickly dispatched, with an impossible deadline. Fate strikes again, fortunately one was on its way back for repairs from Europa. After 14 hours the ship was most of the way there, but wouldnt reach the asteroid in time for everyone to get to safety. The engineers and technicians got together and figured they could send an upload to all Environmental Simulation Suits on board. All the wearer would have to do is press a button and the autopilot system would engage. The governor of Quadriphony ordered everyone to activate his or her E.S.S. and evacuate. Only one-person didnt hear the alarm.
PAGE 2:
Panel 1:
Description: Docking Bay. A tall, powerful dark-skinned man is standing front and center with a cadre of medical crew surrounding him caring for escapees of the asteroid.
Major Tom: Did everyone get out?
Panel 2:
Description: An older man is sitting down with his helmet off, and several nurses checking him.
Governor Woodstock: I have no idea.
Panel 3:
Description: Major Tom squats to Governor Woodstock’s level.
Major Tom: Is there any way to find out?
Panel 4:
Description: Woodstock hands him a small device, about the size of a palm pilot.
Woodstock: This has a list of everyone who activated their E.S.S.
PAGE 3:
Panel 1:
Description: Major Tom walks into a large room with technicians monitoring various forms of equipment.
Major Tom: Who’s in charge right now?
Panel 2:
Description: An elderly oriental gentleman wearing casual clothes turns his chair around from a console raising his hand.
Dr. Hu: Yes, Sir. I’m over here.
Major Tom: What’s your name?
Dr. Hu: Oh, uh, I thought you called my name. Dr. Hu, sir.
Panel 3:
Description: Major Tom looks at the man holding out the device.
Major Tom: ...okay. Okay, listen. Can you read this and tell me if everyone got off Quadriphony?
Dr. Hu: Of course, just give me a second.
Panel 4:
Description: Dr. Hu is reading a monitor. Major Tom is standing behind him, arms crossed. He looks impatient.
Dr. Hu: Just one, sir. A 15-year-old male, name of Tommy Woodstock.
Major Tom: Woodstock? Why didn’t he press the damn button?
Dr. Hu: According to his profile, because he’s deaf, blind, mute, and mentally handicapped, sir.
Major Tom: Shit.
PAGE 4:
Panel 1:
Description: Major Tom is storming back toward Governor Woodstock.
Major Tom: Woodstock! There’s one man left on Quadriphony. Tommy Woodstock. Related?
Panel 2:
Description: Governor Woodstock is suddenly pale, his facial expression are as if someone just died.
Woodstock: Oh. Oh, God. She was supposed to press his button…
Panel 3:
Description: Major Tom is standing straight with his arms crossed again. He’s both confused and upset. Woodstock is leaning forward, like he’s sick.
Major Tom: Who was supposed to?
Woodstock: His nurse. He probably got away. Went to that damn pinball machine.
Major Tom: Pinball?
Panel 4:
Description: Reverse angle of panel 3. Major Tom is standing straight with his arms crossed again. He’s both confused and upset. Woodstock is leaning forward, but now his head is up.
Woodstock: He can’t see, talk, or hear, but he can feel the machine moving. Touch is the only thing he knows.
Major Tom: Does…does he know what button to press, if we got him to?
Woodstock: Yes. We taught him to activate his autopilot system when he was a child. It was always supposed to return him to his room, but if it’s been reprogrammed…
PAGE 5:
THE PANELS ON THIS PAGE ARE VERTICAL.
Panel 1:
Description: Major Tom is on a communication device talking to Dr. Hu.
Major Tom: He’s playing a pinball machine.
Dr. Hu: What?
Major Tom: A pinball machine. If we shut that down he might press his autopilot button.
Dr. Hu: You expect me to remotely shut this thing down?
Panel 2:
Description: Dr. Hu is in the technician’s room holding his communication device.
Dr. Hu: I don’t think I can do that.
Major Tom: You have to.
Dr. Hu: But I don’t think…
Panel 3:
Description: Major Tom is on a communication device talking to Dr. Hu.
Major Tom: Listen, do something. He responds to that machine. Shut it down, and he activates the autopilot.
Dr. Hu: ::sigh:: I’ll try remotely making his suit send a surge through the machine, but I don’t know if it’ll work.
Major Tom: Do it.
PAGE 6:
Panel 1:
Description: a large, deserted game room. Tommy is standing at the far distance playing the brightly lighted pinball machine.
Panel 2:
Description: Close up of Tommy and the pinball machine. A spark of electricity goes from Tommy’s suit through the machine. It pushes Tommy back a little, and the pinball machine goes dark.
Panel 3:
Description: Tommy moves forward and tries to operate the broken machine.
Panel 4:
Description: Tommy begins to hit and kick the pinball machine, but feels no response back.
Panel 5:
Description: Tommy gives up and starts feeling around his left arm for the autopilot ignition. You see a **tak** effect of Tommy pressing the button.
PAGE 7
Panel 1: Inside view from outside the loading dock. Governor Woodstock is staring out the window into space, looking for his son. Major Tom is on the comm. device talking to Dr. Hu.
Major Tom: He just pressed the button. He should be here within 15 minutes, sir.
Woodstock: Oh, thank God.
Panel 2:
Description: view from inside, looking out at the asteroid.
Panel 3:
Description: view from the inside, the asteroid explodes violently.
Panel 4:
Description: Governor Woodstock is clinging to the windows. Everyone’s attention moves to the explosion.
Governor Woodstock: TOMMY!!!
PAGE 8
Panel 1:
Description: view inside the shuttle from outside. Everyone has a look of shock on their faces, except Woodstock’s, which has tears coming down.
Panel 2:
Description: Major Tom is talking to Dr. Hu while everyone is looking outside into space.
Major Tom: What? Oh. Jesus.
Panel 3:
Description: Major Tom stands over Governor Woodstock’s shoulder. His hand is on Woodstock’s shoulder. Woodstock looks afraid, tears are pouring from his eyes.
Major Tom: I’m…I’m sorry. Tommy’s suit just went offline.
Panel 4:
Description: Space, where Asteroid Quadriphony floated around in the endlessness. Bits of the base and boulders are floating all over. Only one item is perfectly visible to the readers: an old busted pinball machine.
My unsolicited two cents:
I quite liked this, and didn't expect a tragic ending. I thought the dialogue was realistic, and served to clearly demonstrate the characters' interaction. The panel lay-outs were evocative, too. Characterisation was slim, but you didn't have much time to work with it, and I don't think having a complex character was necessary for the tale. And I liked the Dr Hu joke. Using comedy in tragedy highlights the tragic elements of the sotry - that's an old Shakespearian technique.
On the other hand, I thought you relied too much upon narration at the beginning and end to tell the story. That works sometimes, but I personally feel its cheating. Its better to demonstrate background info through dialogue or action, suggesting background. So, by way of a random example, perhaps the Governor intensely disliked Major Tom, and Tom might have brushed the hand of the Governor's wife. This would have suggested that there was something else afoot. When Tommy died, the Governor could have looked at Major Tom with accusing, burning eyes, moving the background to the foreground. You wouldn't need to say in narration, "The Governor hates Major Tom because he's been screwing the Governor's wife", because you have suggested it.
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