Shit people, our celebrities are dropping like goddamn flies here!
We need - nay - MUST! find a cure for this disease that is taking away our beloved celebrities and famous folk! How long are we willing to stand idly by as Celebrities die with rapid succession? Are you going to take this sitting down? I sure as hell hope not!
Help the world!
We need to pool every possible resource we have to ensure that we lose no more celebrities to this vexxing plague! Good men and women are seemingly dying everyday to this darkly fatal cloud hovering amongst Hollywood's best and brightest while schlubs like you and I suffer with this seemingly immortal life that is so far above what we are worth? We are shit, and deserve to die in their place so they must live and continue to bombard us with mediocre entertainment to dumb down our existences and make us sterile!
Save the Celebrities!
Donations can be made to Eric Shonborn c/o Nobody Loves Celebrities, Nobody.sh
We can't afford to lose anymore celebrities, help now.
I will donate my scientific knowledge and years of experience in the field of medicine to this worthwhile cause. Surely none of us wants a world where celebrities no longer roam free among us but instead have to be locked away in gated communities to ensure the survival of their species.
Unfortunately, because of the virulence of this plague on the famous, I will need to test the many serums and vaccines that I will develop on live celebrities.
I will warn you now, it will be a slow process. Many more celebrities will die in agony as I work my way towards a safe vaccine.
If the cast of Friends will report to my office on Monday, I will begin my work.
* Britney Spears * All the N'Sync dorks * Ashton Kutcher (however you spell it) * Jerry Seinfeld & Julia Luis Dryfuss (however you spell her name) * The entire cast of Sex in the City * The Olsen Twins
WRONG! If she dies young, she becomes a legend, like Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin or Kurt Cobain.
I want her to live long. At least long enough for the inevitable VH1 Where are They Now and the Playboy pictoral (the one in which she says she is posing nude to prove her new maturity as an artist and argues it had nothing to do with her last five albums tanking).
WRONG! If she dies young, she becomes a legend, like Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin or Kurt Cobain.
I want her to live long. At least long enough for the inevitable VH1 Where are They Now and the Playboy pictoral (the one in which she says she is posing nude to prove her new maturity as an artist and argues it had nothing to do with her last five albums tanking).
At this point in time, I couldn't care less. I just want her dead.
quote:Originally posted by A Jar of Cardinals: The same probably goes for everybody on Bianca's list except Kutcher and the Sex in the City girls that aren't Sarah Jessica Parker.
She's gotta go too...Ive lost all respect for since she's married and actually had a kid with that loser Broderick!
WRONG! If she dies young, she becomes a legend, like Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin or Kurt Cobain.
I want her to live long. At least long enough for the inevitable VH1 Where are They Now and the Playboy pictoral (the one in which she says she is posing nude to prove her new maturity as an artist and argues it had nothing to do with her last five albums tanking).
When the previous three died, they were, artistically, at the top of their game, and much respect outside the mainstream, and never full accepted by the mainstream. Spears was never accepted by the underground, has been nothing but a joke since her first album, and has never been artistically at the top of anything, except maybe whoring.
I wish to extend my thanks to the celebrities who have so far laid down their lives to ensure the survival of their own kind. It is only because of their brave self-sacrifice that I am able to continue my research into the celebrity plague.
Their actions will form the benchmark by which all other celebrities will measure their worth. No longer will success be judged in terms of record sales, box office receipts, viewing figures, or by the column inches of tawdry gossip magazines
In the future celebrities will be judged only by the hideous wounds inflicted on their persons, as part of my medical research, and by the grimacing clown make-up that, purely for sound scientific reasons, I am compelled to daub on their dead faces.
I am pleased to report that after just a few days work, I have been able to isolate a long protein string which may be the first step in developing a vaccine, or, dare I say it - even a cure! The unusual protein is obtained by gouging at the celebrity's torso with a blunt rusty instrument. In time I hope to be able to make the procedure safer by eliminating the need for rust and thus minimising the risk of infection. A good friend and colleague has suggested that a coating of sea salt on the blunt blade or even a vinegar based drip applied directly to the wound might work well as a substitute.
My work continues. Will Elizabeth Taylor, Steve Irwin and Margaret Thatcher please report to my surgery tomorrow morning.
quote:Originally posted by Mr. Nobody: When the previous three died, they were, artistically, at the top of their game, and much respect outside the mainstream, and never full accepted by the mainstream. Spears was never accepted by the underground, has been nothing but a joke since her first album, and has never been artistically at the top of anything, except maybe whoring
True (though I'd argue that Morrison was actually a downward slide at the time of his death), but death can be a real career booster...
Look at the musical career of Linda McCartney. During her lifetime was was, at best, a joke of a singer and, at worst, reviled as one of the women who broke up the Beatles. After she died, everyone loved her.
And, BTW, are you saying you don't WANT to see Britney Spears in Playboy? What's wrong with you, man?!?!
quote:Originally posted by the G-man: [Look at the musical career of Linda McCartney. During her lifetime was was, at best, a joke of a singer and, at worst, reviled as one of the women who broke up the Beatles. After she died, everyone loved her.
I never said I didn't want to see Spears in Playboy. Damn straight I'll be right there in line to get that issue.
As for Linda McCartney, I don't remember anyone talking about her music career, but a lot about her charitable contributions to whatever is important to rich people.
I just think if Britney Spears were to die, there'd be memorials, tributes and all that shit for a few weeks, and then she'd go down as a footnote in bubblegum pop history. She hasn't contributed anything lasting to music, where as The Doors, Joplin and Nirvana are still played regularly and revered.
quote:Originally posted by Mr. Nobody: When the previous three died, they were, artistically, at the top of their game, and much respect outside the mainstream, and never full accepted by the mainstream. Spears was never accepted by the underground, has been nothing but a joke since her first album, and has never been artistically at the top of anything, except maybe whoring
True (though I'd argue that Morrison was actually a downward slide at the time of his death), but death can be a real career booster...
Look at the musical career of Linda McCartney. During her lifetime was was, at best, a joke of a singer and, at worst, reviled as one of the women who broke up the Beatles. After she died, everyone loved her.
What about Aaliyah? I mean, she was successful and had hits and everything, but after she died all of a sudden black people were saying "she was our Princess Di". Did she get that kind of adulation before her death? Or did Tupac and Notorious B.I.G.?
quote:Originally posted by Snapman: What about Aaliyah? I mean, she was successful and had hits and everything, but after she died all of a sudden black people were saying "she was our Princess Di".
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