Meanwhile in Stupidville…
The body breaks through the skylight, shards of glass reflecting the light from the full moon. He wiggles a bit when he smacks the cold wooden floor of the Jimmy Cricket Groove Hall of Stupidville. “Owsie, I thinks I hurt may derriere!” he exclaims while rubbing his butt.
“Talk, Lord Caca Pooh. Or I open up a can of whoop derriere.” The voice comes from the corner of the room. The man flicks on the lights, revealing himself for the first time to his victim. He doesn’t even have a costume like the rest of them do, Caca Pooh notices. He’s wearing brown cargo pants and a black Orange County Choppers t-shirt. His wrists are decorated with black leather straps lined with .22 caliber bullets that look like they’ve never left their spot.
“Talk, you say, but what ares I to talks aboot, Dogg? I know nutziiiing!” Lord Caca Pooh isn’t really a Lord. In fact, he’s lucky to be a peon. Various crime organizations use him a pawn constantly in play. He’s a treasure trove of lies and half-truths, but that’s all Dogg needs.
“I’m looking for Agent Smith. He copied himself into my wife while we were in bed together last Saturday and I still can’t get the taste out of my mouth. I swore he’d pay, and he will! Where. Is. Smith?” Dogg grits his teeth, saliva shooting from the cracks all over Caca’s face, but Caca still refuses to speak.
“Fine,” Dogg smirks, reaching behind his back to pull out the new Super Soaker 70thousand, “I was hoping you’d fight me. How will those super bacterium from Dimension 12G give you that horrible gas when I flush them out with a Super Enima? BEND OVER!”
Lord Caca Pooh screams in terror, scratching at the floorboards as Dogg struggles to flip him on his stomach. “No! Nozzat! No pease! Okies okies! I tellz!”
Dogg puts the Super Soaker 70thousand back on his back holster. “Now, tell me Lord Pooh. Tell me where Agent Smith is so I can avenge my lover!”
“Zuddensly I forgotz….” Lord Caca Pooh lifts himself off the ground, gently caressing his butt to make sure there was no damage. Dogg carefully pulls the Super Soaker 70thousand back into view, which is enough for Pooh to start screaming. He takes off running toward the door, but trips and falls flat on his face.
“Just like a white girl in a horror flick…” Dogg mutters aloud as he walks toward Lord Caca Pooh, the sprayer of the Super Soaker 70thousand bouncing up and down on his palm.
“NO NO NO! Agent Smith haz gun to join zay CSF in Beeg Seety!”
“Big City?” Dogg thinks, “That’s really far away. Like, across the country.” He puts the Super Soaker away again and starts walking toward the door. He’ll have to leave immediately if he wants to make it back to Stupidville to lead the city marching band in the Stupid Day Parade by next Tuesday.
“Zo…zo we ares done, uh huh?” begs Lord Caca Pooh.
As Dogg opens the door he turns around and throws a grenade at Pooh while jumping backwards and flipping through the doorway. “This would so rock with some theme music.” He thinks to himself.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LYZOL BOMB! LYYYYYZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!” Lord Caca Pooh runs and jumps out the windows, coincidentally landing in the back of a garbage truck. “Ahhhhh…………” he sighs in relief, “I’ll getz yuu Dogg! Yuu and yar Zuper Zoaker doo!”
Dogg leaves for the airport; using his cars personal laptop to order tickets from Orbitz he’s ready for a long flight at a competitive price. He just needs to figure out a way to hide his Super Soaker 70thousand from the baggage handlers.
