Alexander and the Tea of DiogenesAlexander of Macedon conquered most of the known world - from the unruly city-states of Greece to the tribes of the lower Himalayas, all before he was 35. The king considered himself a god, the human son of Zeus, yet befell an all too mortal death at the hands of alcohol poisoning before he could turn his attention westwards towards the conquest of Rome and the Iberian peninsula. Yet it might not have been so, save for a random spill.
As Alexander the Great prepared to enter Asia Minor, looking towards the siege of Tyre, the Persian emperor Artaxerxes amassed his troops, calling upon satraps loyal to him to provide soldiers to repal the forthcoming invasion. Alexander's army, at his direction departed from the most direct route to the empire, for two reasons: the first, that Alexander wanted to solve the Gordian knot and fulfil the prophesy that he who did so would rule the world, and second, to met Diogenes.
Diogenes was the founder of ""cynicism"" - the word itself is derived form the Latin for ""dog"" because in his contempt for the world Diogenes lived in a kennel. Diogenes was famous throughout the known world for his scathing wit, and infallible wisdom.
Alexander and his entourage approached Diogenes' rough abode, the man refused to stand. Parmenion, Alexander's aide de camp (and that of Alexander's father, Philip), moved to strike him, but Alexander stayed his hand. The king took a swig of fine Scythian wine from his gourd to cleanse his throat, and stepped forward to address the philosopher.
Diogenes spoke first. Although covered in filth, his voice was imperious. ""You've come to me for advice? Well, a warning to you: your head will hang in that vine, Macedonian, unless you change your choice of refreshments.""
The King stopped in his tracks. ""In that case, philosopher, what do you suggest?""
Diogenes held up a finger, and then disappeared inside his hovel. Alexander was bemused, and Parmenion incandescent with fury at the wretch's manners. Diogenes returned, with a satchel of herbs.
""This is from a land to the far east,"" he said. ""It is both refreshing an invigorating, if brewed in hot water."" He tossed the pouch at the king, and disappeared inside his hole. Alexander caught the satchel in surprise. Despite curses and threats from Parmenion, the philosopher would not reappear to address the king again.
Later than night, in his royal tent, Alexander ordered the herbs brewed in hot water. The king sat on his backless throne, a wistful look on his face as he contemplated Diogenes' words. In front of him were his generals, lying on their fur rugs around a roaring fire tended by slaves, enjoying the entertainment of dancing girls and lyres, but nonetheless attentively watching the king and ready to do as he commanded.
The king sniffed the brew, intrigued by the delicious scent. As he prepared to drink the mixture from a goblet, the king's historian, Callisthenes, accidentally nudged the king's chair. The goblet fell onto Alexander's groin, and the king howled in pain.
Parmenion laughed uproariously at the sight of the king hopping and clutching his burning genitals. Cursing under his breath, Alexander retired to bed, the scent of the tea forgotten along with Diogenes' warning. Alexander never forgot his general's humour, however, and by the end of the expedition east Parmenion, and his three sons, were all dead by the king's command.
Historians speculate that if Alexander had consumed the tea and given up wine, he would not have died a premamture death, and have conquered western Europe. But alas, the tea splashed onto the garments of the king, and, although Alexander did not know it, evaporated along with the king's dream of ruling the world.
------------------
Dave's message boards:
incandescent "
