I just got a great e-mail of Steven Wright material:
Quote:
> Subject: COMEDIAN/ACTOR STEVEN WRIGHT
>
> I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't
> know what to feed it.
>
> I had amnesia once -- or twice, I forget.
>
> I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
>
> Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
> Catholic.
>
> All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
> me happy.
>
> I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
>
> A beggar asked me for 50ยข for a sandwich. I said,
> "First let me see the
> sandwich."
>
> What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
>
> They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
>
> Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
> and, when he grows up,
> he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
>
> Experience is the thing you have left when
> everything else is gone.
>
> What if there were no hypothetical questions?
>
> One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
> other people.
>
> When the only tool you own is a hammer, every
> problem begins to look like a
> nail.
>
> A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
>
> What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
>
> My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
>
> I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
>
> The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
>
> How can there be self-help "groups"?
>
> Is there another word for synonym?
>
> Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it
> all"?
>
> The speed of time is one-second per second.
>
> Is it possible to be totally partial?
>
> What's another word for thesaurus?
>
> Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
>
> If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
> explain whales?
>
> Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
> and I'll show you a man
> who can't get his pants off.
>
> It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like
> one.
>
> Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
> chicken?
