Heh...thank you for all those...um...kind(???) words. It's nice, and kinda - no, REALLY - humbling to know that one has such "thoughtful"...friends(???).

Yes, Nowhereman, the balls have finally dropped. And the anticipation was well worth the actual event. Though where you got my Colorado driver's license is a mystery to me.

Grimm, the chairshots were very generous. But the face-full of green mist warrants a special kind of "thank you" card. I was thinking a Coffin Match.

Sneaky Bunny...why do I have the feeling that, if I DO give you my address, a month-long prescription to Viagra won't be the only thing that shows up on my doorstep from Michigan? Thanks for the offer but, now that the balls have dropped, I'm noticing that I'm not as disappointing in bed as I once was.

URG, in case you all didn't know, wasn't joking with his birthday gift. On Tuesday morning I found, just outside my door. A very interesting and varied sampling of females and a note that said "These am for you. You am can have sex with any of them." A tempting offer, but the tell-tale club marks on their heads made me worry about legal reprocussions. So I sent them to Rex, who will divide them into "fugly" and "non-fugly" and post their pictures on the Women's Forum.

Backwards7: The beer was delicious. The book was edge-of-your-(toilet)-seat reading, and now I know the different between Victorian and Raised Ranch homes (even if I can afford neither). The drugs...well, I've never taken drugs so I fed them to my cats and blew the Unintentional Comedy scale through the roof. They're in rehab now, but the A&R man swears that their first album will have record-breaking album sales. Expect them to tour with Velvet Revolver by year's end.

Prometheus: All the right candles got blown, including one that wasn't mine to blow, ifyaknowwhutImean!!!

Rob: Thank you for my gift. It was perfect. I'll get to it next.

So exactly how was I welcomed into the 30-something world? Well, on Saturday, I woke up to a feeling of dread. My friends, led by my girlfriend, were throwing me a party. Of sorts...I had no clue what I was getting into because my friends are wonderful and loyal and as evil as they come. So I showered, shaved, got dressed and prepared for the torture to come. Because I am a couple years older than my friends, and the oldest of the group, I was convinced that my day would start by being dropped off for a few hours (or several days) in a nursing home. Yep, just drop me off and let the staff show me to my room. Candles in my whipped potatoes!!! Weeeee!!!

Didn't happen. Well, I thought, that leaves only one option: A Wake. Complete with coffin, eulogies, and someone to keen for me (look it up). Y'heard of "Finnegan's Wake"? This would be "Finn's Wake". I only prayed that I'd get the opportunity to respond to my "friends" (at this point, the quotation marks were well-deserved) roasting me.

Nope. I wasn't roasted. Or waked. I was taken to a restaurant - quite a nice restaurant - where I awaited my guests. With my back to the entrance of the party-room. I hate having my back to doors. So I waited for Barney the Dinosaur (a key element in my prank feud with my brother-in-law), a bus-full of the elderly, a clown, a mime (I kicked a mime in the nuts when I went to Paris), or some other bit of horror to sneak up behind me and kick off this so-called "party".

My mother and step-father, my gal's father and his husband (her mother's second husband, the step-father she considers her real father, is gay), my close circle of friends, and my golfing buddies came. And we ordered appetizers. Then meals. And we laughed. And we joked at each other. And we joked about my age. And I had a great time. And I let my guard down as the time to open presents came.

Big mistake.

Let me say again: It is truly wonderful and humbling to realize just how lucky one is to have friends as loving and loyal and caring as mine are. That said, my friends are the most sadistic, evil, malicious group of assholes I am fortunate enough to know. What did I get?

A HUGE golfball ("this should help your game!", the card said)

Depends undergarments (not the diapers, the pads!!! they look like maxi-pads!)

A CD card from 1974, complete with a list of events that year ("hey, Dave, do you still rock out to these classics?" the card said. Paul Anka, Suzy Quatro, KC & the Sunshine Band, Steve Harley and Cockney Rebels, Slim Whitman - no, I DON'T "rock out" to these "classics". NO ONE "rocks out" to these classics!!!)

And the gifts kept coming. Now, I did get some nice ones. My friend Cathy gave me the complete run of her self-published comic series. I got Garth Ennis' "War Stories" TPB. But I was bludgeoned with gag gifts (the Barbie bag was a nice touch). And then I came to a gift bag with no mark as to whom it came from. So I reached in and knew, on touching the gift, what it was: someone got me a four-pack of Guinness!!! Thoughtful. I was happy...until I pulled out the beer. Y'see, someone (and I was damn-sure who) covered up the Guinness logo and box. Customized it, if you will. Here's what the "Guinness" read:

Quote:

Hey Guys! Looking for a good time with something that goes down easy, that's full-bodied (some artificial ingredients), and a great head?!? Then tap into Britney!!!

A few cans of these and you too will be making your own music and singing...OOPS! I did it again!!!

Britney Spears' "OOPS! I Did It Again" Beer



And who's the Cover-Girl for this new beer? The gal in the middle:



Halloween 2003, baby!

Long story made shorter: I enjoyed the final part of my birthday dinner. We went to a Brockton Rox game (Independent League baseball). After the game, we all got together and got shit-faced, played "Asshole", and passed out. Then yesterday, my actual birthday, I went with my brother to see the Red Sox beat the Anaheim Angels. Bleacher seats. And, as I went to get me and my bro a couple of Fenway Franks and beers, I saw Mike Timlin (a relef pitcher), who I like, so I pointed to him when he was looking at me and applauded. He tipped his cap to me. A great night!!!

And what was Rob's gift? Why, the Cleveland Indians vs the Yankees record-breaking game last night! A 22-0 beatdown for the Yankees! A 3 1/2 game lead over my Red Sox! And a pissed-off George Steinbrenner!!! Thanks, Rob!!!

It's good to be 30!!!

Uschi said:
I won't rape you, I'll just fuck you 'till it hurts and then not stop and you'll cry.

MisterJLA: RACKS so hard, he called Jim Rome "Chris Everett." In Him, all porn is possible. He is far above mentions in so-called "blogs." RACK him, lest ye be lost!

"I can't even brush my teeth without gagging!" - Tommy Tantillo: Wank & Cry, heckpuppy, and general laughingstock

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