RKMBs Forums .::Important::. Writer's Block JLR: Weapons of Mass Confusion

It's been three months since the JLR did battle with the sinister Crime Syndicate of Fiction. Each respective member had the rest of the summer to catch up with their personal lives working on their careers, spending time with their beloved wives, chatting with their internet girlfriends, or playing Halo 2. . . Anyway, leaves have fallen and the cool chill of November whispers over land and lake. A Farmhouse sits in rural majesty as a spinning brass rooster illuminates into a flashing silent beacon.

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Elsewhere in a dilapidated interstate motel room the Justice League Reality hero formerly known as Any Given Wednesday lies in his boxers on a dingy bed with a lady of questionable morality.

Lady of Questionable Morality: Baby that was amazing.

Wednesday: Girl, you know I roll.

Lady of Questionable Morality: I have never heard anyone ever explicate the relationship between Gwen Stacy and Peter Parker so eloquently.

Wednesday: Well, y'know. . . *beep beep*

Lady of Questionable Morality: What was that?

Wednesday: JLR Com-Link. . .


On the com device was a text message from JLR leader Britannica reading only: JLR HQ. Assemble ASAP.

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Later at the JLR Farmhouse of Justice, one of the newest members known as DOGG arrives to a select few of his commrades. . .


DOGG: I came as fast as I can!

Wednesday: Your wife must be thoroughly disappointed.

DOGG: I'm liking the uhh headquarters. . . the jokes, not so much. Wanna tell me why i spent 160 dollars in gas getting here? You do realize I have to traverse the entire midwest in a sequence of mini stories to get ANYwhere don't you?

Wednesday: WE havent been here long. About to get some answers ourselves. Entre Entre, and welcome to JLRHQ!

Fused: Whoa. . . nice uh carpet. Whats with all the designer shoes and Cosmos?

Wednesday: CJ. . . Damn I hope she's alright wherever she is.

Fused: She was pretty smokin. I'm gonna miss 'er too.

Wednesday: You barely even knew her. You just need to get laid.

Fused: No joke. Only girl we have left is Nuriko and she's hooked up with that ambiguiously gay boyfriend. We have Spandex. Maybe he can steal someones shapeshifting powers and turn into the JLR hottie.

Wednesday: That's just wrong.

Fused: If Spandex shapeshifted into Wonder Woman I coundn't say in all honesty that I wouldn't hit it.

[Enter the Spandex Monkey Man]

Spandex Monkey Man: WTF are you all talking about???!!

Wednesday: Fused is hard up.

Spandex Monkey Man: Who isn't?

DOGG: Guys, I've been through the whole place and there's no sign of Brit, but I've found this note.

Spandex Monkey Man: What's it say?

DOGG: OK: DOGG recites in his best Australian accent 'Ello maites. I rehlly rehlly wanted ta' 'elp ya ayit against the Crime Syndicate fellahs. But I hed some gemblin' debts I hed ta pai uff. No worries though, I'm sure eh'll get back on m'feet. G'luck with all the not dyin' n' all.

Cheyahs!!

The Bapman

Fused: Who is. . . The Bapman?

Wednesday snatches the note from DOGG's hands and crumples it up with frustration.

Wednesday: To hell with the Bapman! I got an emergency message from my good friend, Britannica . . .who. . . also seems to be Australian. . .whom. . . I'd gladly sacrifice any of your sorry asses for. I want some answers!

The animal morphing hero named Hyrbrid bursts into the room flying about with leathery batwings.

Hybrid: Guys! GUYS! ! ! You'll never believe what just happened! ! !

Stupid Dogg: What?

Hybrid: CHICKENBUTT !!

Stupid Dogg:

Hybrid:

JLR:

Hybrid:

JLR: ...

Hybrid: *cough*

Fused: No, seriously, what?

Hybrid: Oh yeah.......

JLR: ...

Hybrid: ...I forgot.

To be continued...

Meanwhile, Spandex Monkey Man has crept away from the rest of the group (well, he ran off at super speed). Carefully, he moves through the Farmhouse of Justice, pausing only to ensure that his funky new costume's cloak billows behind him as he walks.

SMM: Now, where could it be? I know that twit Wednesday, he couldn't hide something this powerful.

It's then that Spandex notices the huge, conspicuous locked door with a chain across the front and 'DANGER: TOXIC BOB'S EXCRETIONS' on the front.

SMM: This has got to be La Machine's work.

Reaching out, he utilises the intangibility of the Vision to pass through the doorm attempting to reach the mysterious something contained therein

The Time Trust materializes into the Farmhouse of Justice just as Hybrid finishes speaking...

TTT: Forgot what?

Hybrid: If I knew, I would've said so...!

TTT: Ah. Okay.

Wednesday: What are you doing here, anyway, TTT? Didn't you have to get back to your Penultimate MBL?

TTT: Ah. That. Right. Well... the MBL doesn't exactly exist in the strictest sense of the word. Not anymore. Though they could exist if they really wanted to, but they don't. So I'm here.

Fused: Uh-huh.

TTT: Indeed. And if I should ever return to that Penultimate MBL story so that I effectively appear to be in two places at once, it can always be explained by my fantastic time traveling powers!

Dogg: Oh yeah?

TTT: Affirmative. So I'm here for the nonce. What now?

Wednesday: Now we wait until a story happens.

TTT: Ah. Maybe I should take this time to brush up on JLR continuity so I don't horribly mis-write any of you.

Fused: Maybe you should.

TTT: Okay. Um... by the way, is there any chance of this story turning into a gay porn extravaganza involving a great deal of ass-reaming and penis-shaped firearms? I've had problems with those in the past.

Wednesday: No.

Elsewhere...

The Narrator: A huge crowd of Evil-Postal-Worker-Minion-Types fills the square the of the Postmaster General of the Royal Postal Service of Chantania.

At the top of the stairs leading to the entrance a Postmaster Captain is holding up Postal uniform and a mailbag whilst chanting

Postmaster Captain: In the name of CHANT!

The Narrator: The crowd of Evil-Postal-Worker-Minion-Types responds...

EPWMT crowd: CHANT LIVES IN DEATH!

The Narrator: Thus it continues until suddenly...

Postmaster Captain: In the name of CHANT!

Unknown figure: Chant.....LIVES!!!

The Narrator: Chant steps out of the shadows and into the light like a Messiah reborn. A hushed silence falls over the crowd, though small whispers can be heard everywhere.

Chant steps up to the Postmaster Captain and claims the uniform and the mailbag from him. After donning the uniform he steps to the front of the staircase and raises his arms to roar of approval.

Chant: Friends, Chantanians, POSTAL WORKERS!!!

The Narrator: The crowd explodes into a frenzy whilst chanting...CHANT, CHANT, CHANT, CHANT...

Chant calls for silence, and when the square is utterly quiet he continues!

Chant: My friends, a new dawn of Postal service is upons us! NO more shall we toil under the ungrateful stress forced upon us by spiteful people. No longer shall we tolerate dog-bites and icy sidewalks! And no longer shall we tolerate the low, low, low wages given to us for our toils!

The Narrator: A frenzied roar erupts from the crowd, even bigger than the last roar.

Chant: We shall FORCE our demands upon the world, we shall bring them to their knees!
We shall deliver mail days late! We shall deliver the mail ruffled and badly handled! AND we shall deliver it to the WRONG adresses!
We shall charge them for insufficient stamping, both the sender AND the reciever!

The Narrator: The crowd erupts into a roar that makes the windows shiver and shatter all around!

Chant: My friends, I ask of you! What is Christmas without Christmas Mail?

The Narrator: The crowd stands puzzled and a buzzing of suggestions begin, stupid questions abound!

Chant: You imbeciles! Christmas without Christmas mail is NOTHING!

My friends, Christmas in cancelled!


The Narrator: The crowd steps back as a whole and a huge gasp echoes across the square

Chant:

EPWMT Crowd:

The Narrator: Slowly the crowd begins to cheer again!

Chant: But wait, there is more! As we all know my....OUR plans has time and again been foiled by the do-gooders known as...The JLR!!!

EPWMT Crowd:

Chant: BUT FEAR NOT!! For I have a secret weapon which will spread chaos and confusion amongst their ranks!

I present to you...THE SWITCHER!!!

EPWMT Crowd:


what is the switcher?
Is Chant really the Postmaster General?
And can Christmas really be cancelled?
Read more some other time!

Stupid Dogg: So, anybody wanna play 'My Secret Diary' while we wait for the story to start?

Fused: 'My Secret Diary'?

Stupid Dogg: Yeah! It's a fun game. I've got a board in one of my bags.

Hybrid: You can't be serious.

Stupid Dogg: What? What's wrong with 'My Secret Diary'?

The Time Trust: Only girls play 'My Secret Diary,' and if you haven't noticed THIS TEAM IS SORELY LACKING IN THE FEMALE MEMBERSHIP DEPARTMENT!

Wednesday: You're still worried about that gay porn thing, aren't you?

The Time Trust: Very .

Stupid Dogg: Yeah, well--wait, you're an android?!

The Time Trust: So?

Stupid Dogg: So what do you care? You're not even a guy...technically!

The Time Trust: I may be an android, sir, but I'll have you know I'm anatomically--

Fused: Canadian ?

Just then a petite mass of seventeen-year old girl torpedoes into the room through the barn's roof.

Hybrid: HOLY MOTHER-CRAPPIN' CRAP!

Wednesday [looking at the roof in tears]: It's ruined! We just fixed it and it's ruined...again!

Hybrid [rushing to the girl's side and ripping away her armor]: This young girl just crashed into our barn and all you can think about is the roof?

Wednesday: You have no idea how long we were working on that! Wait a sec, what do you mean "our barn"? You haven't even filled out your JLR membership application!

Stupid Dogg [checking her breathing]: Wednesday! The girl! She's alive!

The Time Trust: amazing!

Wednesday: Right... the girl, top priority. Yes....

Stupid Dogg: Fused, help me get her to the infirmary!

Fused: Right! Umm... where's the infirmary?

Everyone turns to Wednesday.

Wednesday: We don't have one.

Hybrid: What?! You're superheroes and you don't have an infirmary?

Wednesday: Oh, so suddenly we're back to "You're superheroes and you don't have an infirmary?"

Hybrid: But every team has an infirmary. Even Young Justice had an infirmary.

The Time Trust: He's right, you know.

Wednesday: Look, this is a barn, okay? Space was limited.

Fused: You have a four-tractor garage.

Wednesday: Absolutely necessary.

Fused: A pool room.

Wednesday: Also necessary.

Hybrid: And the arcade?

Wednesday: Look, this girl needs medical attention!

Stupid Dogg: We need somewhere clean and neat.

Wednesday: Take her to Cowgirl Jack's old room.

JLR:

Wednesday: Girls' rooms are always neat.

Stupid Dogg and Fused heroically rush the girl into the new infirmary (aka CJ's old room).

The Time Trust: Wednesday?

Wednesday: Yeah?

The Time Trust: I take it the story finally started.

Wednesday: No, not yet. Give it some...

The Time Trust:

Wednesday: ...time.

Five hours later, everything has finally settled down. Wednesday is busy checking in on their recent arrival.

The Time Trust: Amazing that a small, teenaged girl could survive something like that.

Wednesday emerges from the room, shaking his head with a sigh.

Fused: How's she doing? She's all right, isn't she?

Wednesday: Well, I made a full and thorough examination of the patient's body.

Hybrid: A full and thorough examination?

Wednesday: Yep.

Hybrid: Wednesday.

Wednesday: Ya!

Hybrid: You're not a doctor.

Wednesday: ...

Hybrid: ...

Wednesday: Apparently she's almost made a full recovery.

The Time Trust: How's that possible?

Stupid Dogg: Maybe she's a mutant--you know, with a mutant healing factor.

Hybrid: I hope she doesn't have claws.

Fused: If Marvel's taught me anything, it's that mutant females are ALWAYS hot!

Wednesday: The man makes a very good point. And she is hot.

JLR:

Wednesday: Not that I noticed...

JLR:

Wednesday: ...during my examination of her teenaged body, I mean.

JLR:

Wednesday: It was my duty as a hero !

JLR:

Centurian [coming out of the closet... which can be used as a teleporter]: Hey guys, what's going on?

The Time Trust [pointing at the hole in the roof]: Nothing much. A mutant crashed into the barn.

Centurian: Neat! Well, listen, my mom says it's okay for me to hang out with you guys as long as I get my homework done every night.

Wednesday: Neat!

Centurian: But I left one of my books in CJ's room, so can I study here?

The Time Trust: Sure, just don't play your music too loud.

Centurian: Thanks.

Centurian hurries off.

Stupid Dogg: What was a seventeen-year old boy doing in CJ's room?

JLR:

Alex didn't even notice her until after he'd found the book. She was laying in CJ's bed, making those breathing sounds girls make instead of snoring. He couldn't believe how pretty her face looked from afar, and the closer he crept, the prettier she was. Finally, lightly, he pulled the sheet back revealing her thin, pink lips and soft chin.

To his surprise, the young girls eyes fluttered open. At first she squinted, her eyes adjusting to the new light. Then she saw the young boy's face hovering over her close.

Young girl: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

Centurian: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

Young girl: ....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

Centurian: ....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

And in the living room...

Wednesday: Now the story's finally started !

To be continued...

Just then, with a resounding BAMF! Everyone's least favourite hero, Spandex Monkey Man, teleports in. Raising an eyebrow in a fashion reminiscent of Roger Moore, Spandex addresses Centurion.

SMM: I could ask you what you're doing in CJ's bedroom with a 17 year old girl...

Centurion:

SMM: ...but I'm not going to. Get the girl and get downstairs. Important meeting, now.

C: Riight. Ermmm, who;s in charge round here? It's just, well, I'm kinda new, and Mom says that she needs the leader's phone-number so she knows who to sue...

SMM: Well, I would never ordinarily do this, but as I don't want to be sued...Wednesday is. Temporarily.

************************************************************
************************************************************

Downstairs, the JLR are breaking open the brewskies and delving Wednesday's substantial video collection (Two words: Amateur. Porn) when Spandex BAMF!'s in, with his trademark lack of tact or regard for any other living being.

SMM: When you lot have quite finished, there's an important meeting of the JLR to be done.

Fused: Yeah? Since when?

SMM: Since I said so.

Liberally sticking the boot in to get the JLR off their backsides, Spandex finally gets the meeting under way.

SMM: First order of business, J.A.R.V.I.S

Fused: The Butler? 'Cos dude, that is an english butler name!

SMM: No, Fused you puerile simpleton! Jlr Automated Recording Voicemail and Information Service! It was an idea that Brit came up with before our battle with the CSF!

W: Then how did you find out?

SMM: I read his mind when we were fighting the Umber Hulk. (flourishing J.A.R.V.I.S) This will enable us to keep in touch in any circumstance, no matter how arduous the situation.

W: Yeah, yeah. Anything else, Monkey Boy?

SMM: If I still had my power-stealing game, I'd kick your ass!

F: Hey, that reminds me. Wednesday, what's your new power?

W: More important is, what is Chant doing? I'll admit he's been quiet for a while, but that surely means that he's planning something bad-ass.

SMM: Who cares? A loony postman is hardly the most difficult thing we've faced.

W: Chant may appear to be a bit useless, but he's our Arch-Nemesis! Has been since the DCMB's. We have to keep fighting him! It's like our job or something.

SMM: BUTTMONKEY!

JLR:

SMM: I have absolutely no idea why I said that...

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Dogg is frantically searching through out the fridge, a bag of crisp tostadas in hand. "Oh crap, they wouldn't screw me like this, would they?" He pulls out the lone item in the fridge, a jar of mayonaise, and stairs at it for what seems like hours. "I have no salsa."

Back in the living room the team sits on torn leather chairs drinking their beer watching episodes of Days of our Lives while SpandexMonkeyMan talks about some meeting or something. "Dude, where's Dogg with the munchies?" Fused finishes his can and crushes it on his forehead, pounding his chest and yelling like Tarzan. "Oh crap, I got the beer poops. Be right back!"

"No!" SMM says, putting his hand out to stop Fused from using the toilet. "We have to have our meeting you incontinent hillbilly!"

"Dude, shut up. I'm the leader right? And my leading skills tell me Days of our Lives is on. Sit. Now." Wednesday throws an empty beer can at SMM and laughs as a mix of spit and flat beer dribble down SMM's face.

"Or what, you lackadaisical ignoramous?" SMM wipes the beer from his face.

"Or I'll use my new powers on you, foo'!" Wednesday does a crotch chop to SMM, causing the other JLrians to laugh histerically.

"And what are you new powers, if I may ask? Which I have."

Just as Wednesday is about this explain this, Dogg bursts into the room, bag of tostado's in one hand, half empty bottle of spoiled mayo in the other. "There's no salsa!"

The entire JLR stand and say in unison, "What?"

"There's...there's no salsa! It's all out! All that's left is this old mayonaise, and it doesn't even taste good anymore!" Dogg falls on his knees and begins to cry.

"This won't stand!" Wednesday poises, his hands fisted and on his hips. "Nobody makes Dogg cry but me! To the grocery store! JLR, ASSEMBLE!"

SMM- Don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic here Wednesday? It's just salsa.

Wednesday- WHAT!?!? The man said there is no salsa! Show some compassion man.

As he says this he slaps SMM to knock some sense into him.

SMM- You're lucky we're teammates or I'd've hit you back.

Wednesday- And you're lucky I'm too distracted with the current salsa crisis to slap you around some more! Now as I said before LETS GO!

Fused, Dogg, Wednesday, Hybrid, and The Time Trust all race out the door leaving behind Spandex Monkey Man.

SMM- Well, if you can't beat em join em I suppose...

He shrugs and begins to follow the rest of the team to the store.

Centurian walking into the living room- Hey guys I'm not late for the meeting am I? And who's the chick in CJ's old room? Guy's? Hey, where'd everyone go?

Back in CJ's old bedroom...

Young Girl: Why is my butt so sore...? That young boy didn't appear to ravish my young nubile teenage body? And more importantly, who am I? Where am I?

The Narrator: But before the Young Girl can contemplate these and many other questions...

*POP*

Young Girl: ... and who are you?

The Narrator: A man appears before the Young Girl from nowhere. He is wearing what was once a three-piece suit (now in tatters), eyes move wildly around behind cracked glasses, long hair standing wildly on end. Suddenly his bloodshot eyes semi-focus on the Young Girl. He reaches out towards the Young Girl, tongue lolling, drool dripping from his mouth...

Zombie-like Man: uuuuuugggggggh........

Young Girl: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa............

The Narrator: ... and lunges towards her on the bed.

Young Girl: ........aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Zombie-like Man: .......hhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Young Girl: What is going on here? Here I am, wherever here is, a beautiful scantly clad woman laying in bed? Two men hardly touch me, and I've got a sore butt? Is this some sort of gay porn movie?

The Narrator: The Young Girl pushes the zombie-like man off of her young pert body. She notices that both of the man's third toes are twitching uncontrolably.

Young Girl: Oooohhh... that's gross. Hey, waitaminute... what's that in his hand?

The Narrator: The Young Girl bends down to grab someting out of the zombie-like man's hand (wish this story had pictures now, huh guys?)...

Young Girl: [reading the card she picked up from the zombie-like man's hand] Britannica Hero for Loan. Member of the JLR. Agent of F.I.L.E. The DataBase, Australia What the...!?! I'm in Australia!?!

To be continued...

Meanwhile, outside the Estate of Justice...

A figure runs frantically towards the main house...

RM552 (thinking to himself) : "Must warn them.... there's still time... Must ---"

::RM trips, falls down and bangs his head against the pavement::

RM (feeling the side of his head) : "Ow! Just a minor cut, I'll be fi--"

RM doesn't get to finish his thought as he looks up to see the JLR Mobile Reconnaissance Unit (a.k.a Larry the gardener's '74 silver Chevy van) barreling straight at him.

KERPOW! KATHUMPPA! KATHUMPA!

Wednesday: "I didn't know there were any speedbumps in our driveway? Anyway, we'll have our salsa soon enough guys, don't you worry."

Fused: "Hey, I think we hit something man, pull over."

Centurion (who heard the ruckus from in the house) is cradling RM in his arms.

Centurion: "OManOManOManOManOMan.... is he gonna be alright?!!!"

Wednesday: "Looks pretty nasty, but don't worry guys, Registered Member #552 has a healing factor, so he should be fine soon enough."

RM (groggily) : "Wahuh... 'Registered Member #552'... what kinda name is that?"

Wednesday: "Um, it's your's, dude."

RM: "What? My name is David, and.... who the hell are you people.....?"

Wednesday: First things first, ... David ... what's your full name?

RM: It's David... um, David....

SMM: David Umdavid? Wow, you must have been teased as a child.

RM: Excuse me?

SMM: Well, kids can be pretty ruthless. Your parents must have had no imagination or simply not liked you very much...

Wednesday: Monkey, shut it.

SMM: What? I was just --

Wednesday: Fused, Centurion help David here into the house and --


They all hear a young feminine scream -- aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!


Wednesday: What now?

TTT: We seem to have found ourselves in the plot of a Gothic novel.

Wednesday: ...what?

TTT: I just wanted to say something. I haven't said anything for a while. It's like I disappeared altogether or something.

Wednesday: Oh. Okay.

Spandex, as is becoming more and more common these days, rolls his eyes at his team-mates perceived ineptitude.

SMM: Typical. A single girly scream and they all forget about the problem at hand. Looks like I'm on my own.

So saying, he swirls his cape, and teleports away, materialising outside the local post office.

SMM: Where better to start with a search for the postmaster of mayhem than a post office?

Spandex kicks open the office and charges in, finding face to face with...a completely ordinary post-office worker. Undeterred, he grabs him and shakes him roughly.

SMM: Where is the postmaster of mayhem?! Tell me now, or face my wrath!

Unfortunately, he completely fails to spot the mighty postworker of doom behind him, and is clobbered to the groundadn dragged off...

Meanwhile..........


The Narrator: whilst the JLR fidgets over a slip of a girl, SpandexMonkeyMan is being clobbered by a postalworker of doom (that's a new invention) and the writers worry about the awards, CHANT, our magnificent Mailmaster of Mayhem is up to more evil!

Chant walks into the Postal Office of Postal science looking for the head Postal Worker Scientist, Dr. huh?

Chant: Where are you Dr. huh? where you?

Dr. huh?: Oh most magnificently odd Postal Master, I am here, I am here (grovel some more!

Chant: what's this about grovelling?

Dr. huh?: Oh, I was just reading a cue card...

Chant: Oh, then by all means, do continue a little more

Dr. huh?: Oh most mighty Chant, GRANT me the wisdom to serv....

Chant: Shut up and get to work!

Dr. huh?: Yes Postmaster

Chant: Now, show me the lastest test results of the Switcher!

Dr. huh?: Certainly, we have tested it on various subject animals and the results are......astounding!

Dr. Stoned, unveil the test cage!

Dr. Stoned: whaaaaaaaa.........?

Dr. huh?: (whispering) the curtain, pull the curtain away!

Dr. Stoned: Dave's not here man.........

Dr. huh:

Chant: ummm, is that man okay?

Dr. huh?: well, he's stoned, that's who he is

Chant: ohhhh, I see, well, here, let me get the curtain!

The Narrator:: Chant pulls away the curtain and reveals a cage............of unspeakable horrors.

Chant:

Spandex, having been pummelled to a pulp, is being dragged through a series of dark, labyrinthine tunnels, struggling for conscious. Eventually he is dragged into the room of the Switcher.

Chant: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

SMM: God, but you don't half go on, don't you?

Chant: Silence, non-postal-service-related fool!
Slap, Slap!

SMM: Why not just slap me?

Chant: Why slap you, when I can do THIS!

Chant promptly kicks Spandex in the balls.

SMM:

Chant:

Dr. Huh?: Excellent, your most mighty and awesomeness (excessive grovelling here)

Chant: Oh, those cue cards again, right?

Dr. Huh?: Indeed, your most perceptive magnificence!

Chant: Okay, that's just getting annoying.

Chant zaps Dr. Huh?, and turns to Spandex.

Chant: Now, as a warning to those meddlers in the JLR, I shall use you as a test subject for the Switcher!

SMM: Hah? Do you think to scare me that easily.

Pause.

SMM: MercymercypleaseIdon'twannadieI'lldoanythinganythingatalljustpleasedon'tkillme!!!

Chant:

Chant pulls the switch, and Spandex screams in wimpy pain as a light envelops him...

Back at the Farmhouse of Justice, the team have just helped David inside when, with a poof of smoke, Spandex's recumbent form lands on the couch.

Centurian: Hey, Spandex Monkey Man's hurt! We gotta help him!

Wednesday: Hey, who cares? He'll get over it. Besides, it's only Spandex, he survived an angel.

D0GG: You're just pissed off 'cose he's so powerful!

W: Damn right!

Centurian: Well, aren't we gonna do anything? I mean, he is our team-mate, isn't our duty as super-heroes?

Suddenly, Fused runs in.

Fused: Hey, 'Lesbian Amazons From Mars' is on!

JLR:

To a man, the JLR ignore their downed comrade and rush through to the living room.

Centurian:

SMM: I say, Old Boy. what the blazes is going on?

Centurian: Spandex Monkey Man! You're awake!

SMM: Why yes I do believe I am, m'dear boy! Now, do you mind telling me where I am and who you are?

The moment after the last ending credit of 'Lesbian Amazons From Mars' fades off screen...

Wednesday: Wait a second!

Hybrid: What?

Wednesday: I think we've got too many subplots going on. JLR ORGANIZE !

JLR:

Wednesday: What?

Hybrid: That's lame.

Wednesday: No, the ability to steal powers from a man in Arkansas is lame.

SpandexMonkeyMan: I have the sneaking suspicion he's talking about me.

Wednesday: Okay, subplots. Go.

Stupid Dogg: The salsa crisis!

Centurian: The screaming girl.

Hybrid: Registered Member 552 and SpandexMonkeyMan have both lost their memories.

The Time Trust: And I'm getting a disporportionately small number of speaking lines in this adventure in comparison to everyone else here, ESPECIALLY WEDNESDAY.

Wednesday: That's nice. So what do we take care of first?

Stupid Dogg: The salsa crisis!

Centurian: The screaming girl.

Hybrid: Registered Member 552 and SpandexMonkeyMan's memory losses.

The Time Trust: The fact that I'm getting a disporportionately small number of speaking lines in this adventure, WEDNESDAY !

Wednesday: Okay, this won't work. Hybrid, if Midnight Spectre was here, he could do something about RM and SMM, but Midnight Spectre hasn't posted yet , so we'll just have to bring RM and SMM along with us and hope something develops. T3--

The Time Trust: I prefer "TTT."

Wednesday: Right! T3, you'll get your lines, trust me.

Stupid Dogg: Okay, so what's left?

The Time Trust: The salsa and the girl.

Fused: So which one do we do first?

Hybrid: Isn't it obvious? We're heroes! We take care of the girl.

Stupid Dogg: I know I brought up the salsa in the first place, but I agree with Hybrid.

Fused: Hold on! We can't go in there on empty stomachs.

Registered Member 552: He's got a point.

SpandexMonkeyMan: What do ya mean "He's got a point"? You don't even remember your own name? You can't just agree when you don't even know what you're talking about.

Registered Member 552: You don't remember who you are either.

Fused: He's got a point.

Wednesday: Okay, we'll vote. Who wants to go save the girl first?

Hybrid, Stupid Dogg, Centurian, and SMM raise their hands.

Wednesday: Who wants salsa!

Fused, RM552, and Wednesday raise their hands.

Centurian: That settle it! We go save the girl, then get salsa.

Fused: Wait, TTT didn't vote.

The Time Trust: I appreciate the invitation, but I simply don't feel qualified to vote, because I'm still kind of a newbie. I'll need to catch up on JLR history and all that to really get myself settled in, I think. I'll vote next year.

JLR: VOTE!!!!

The Time Trust: But--

Wednesday: Your vote still counts.

The Time Trust: Okay.... Then I choose the salsa.

Hybrid: The salsa? Are you nuts!?!

The Time Trust: No.

Stupid Dogg: You're an android.

The Time Trust: So? As a member of this team, my vote still counts. Wednesday said so. I can play it back if you like.

Hybrid: But you don't have to eat!

The Time Trust: I'm programmed to enjoy salsa. Besides, if we stay on schedule, I'm sure we can be able to save the girl.

Stupid Dogg: What in blazes are you talking about?

The Time Trust: Time, of course.

Stupid Dogg: Whatever. We're still tied.

Wednesday: Then we go get the salsa first.

Centurian: But it's a tie vote .

Wednesday: Esmerelda wants salsa .

Centurian: The donkey?

Hybrid: No, Napolean's the donkey. Esmerelda's the chicken.

JLR:

Hybrid: I'm pretty sure the chicken's not interested in--

Wednesday: Salsafirstmeetingadjourned!

Hybrid: But--!

Fused: Let's go.

Registered Member 552: I can already smell that salsa!

Stupid Dogg: Do you even remember what salsa smells like?

Registered Member 552: No, but I'm about to .

Hybrid, Stupid Dogg, Centurian, and SpandexMonkeyMan:

To be continued...

Suddenly, the doors of the supermarket swing open (well, actually, they slide open... slowly) and the entrance is filled with fog.

When it clears, Centurian, Fused, Hybrid, Registered Member 552, SpandexMonkeyMan, Stupid Dogg, The Time Trust, and Wednesday are all standing in their triumphant, heroic poses.

SpandexMonkeyMan: Are you sure we have to do this?

Stupid Dogg: It's the world famous JLR pose, man! We have to make a triumphant entrance.

SpandexMonkeyMan: I feel stupid.

Registered Member 552: I kinda like it.

SpandexMonkeyMan: Why am I not surprised?

Centurian: How long do we have to hold this, TTT?

The Time Trust: We're slotted for another forty-five seconds of posing, followed by two minutes of shopping, and two minutes in the line. If we keep on task, we should be back to the barn on schedule.

SpandexMonkeyMan: This is stupid.

SpandexMonkeyMan relaxes his pose.

Wednesday: Wait a second. We don't just stop posing. This is the JLR!

Hybrid: Well, if he's not posing, I'm not posing.

Hybrid relaxes his pose too.

Wednesday: Whose post do you think this is?

One after another, the JLR stop posing.

Wednesday [relaxing his pose too]: Whatever. To the salsa!

In form rarely seen outside superhero comic books, television shows, movies, and round-robin internet fiction, the JLR jump over cashiers, dodge carts, circumvent pram pushing mothers, and cause general confusion throughout the store in their search for the salsa aisle.

Stupid Dogg: Aisle three!

Every member reaches aisle three at the same time, resulting in a heroic wave of... heroes down the lane.

Stupd Dogg: Oh no!

Fused: The salsa's gone!

The Time Trust: This can't be right.

Centurian: What do you mean?

The Time Trust: My databanks show that there should be one can of salsa left at 8:44 a.m.

Centurian: But it's 8:45.

The Time Trust: Ummm... it is ?

Fused: Dude, for a time travelling robot, you really ^$#@!*& suck at that.

The Time Trust: I'm not a robot. I'm an--

Stupid Dogg [pointing down the aisle]: Look!

The JLR all eye a little old lady toddling down the aisle with the last can of spicy salsa.

Wednesday: Fused?

Fused: 175 decibels should about do it.

Wednesday: Good. Take her down, soldier.

Hybrid: Wait a second, you can't do that!

Wednesday: He's right, you might crack the salsa jar. Bump it down to 150.

Fused: Right!

Hybrid: No, I mean she's a little old lady, for Heaven's sake!

Wednesday: Right... an old lady, innocent. Yes.....

The Time Trust: We have to go.

Registered Member 552: But it was spicy .

The Time Trust: The schedule, man!

SpandexMonkeyMan [placing a comforting hand on Registered Member's shoulder]: We'll be back. I promise.

The JLR make an un-triumphant exit, but it isn't over. Though they may have lost the battle, they have not lost the war.

To be continued...

Spandex- So wednesday, how long do we have to hold these untriumphant exit poses?

Wednesday- Long enough. But not TOO long!

Stupid Dogg- What does that-?

Wednesday- Uh-uh-uh. The chicken never pecks the seeds of despair...

JLR- What?

Wednesday- ...aaaaaaaand..... NOW!

Wednesday relaxes his pose and starts on walking again leaving the others behind.

Wednesday- Ooo! Old lady at 5 o'clock.

Fused- Ewwwww.... Wednesday. I can appreciate a hot mature woman as much as the next guy but once they cross over to granny-hooded-ness thats just plain sick.

Wednesday- No it's the old lady with the salsa! T3, how much time do we have left in the schedule.

TTT- Well minus the actual shopping and the shopping line we have exactly 2 minutes 45 seconds. And you know I'm still not getting nearly enough talk time.

Wednesday- Oh stop complaining wouldja! Look at Centurian. He never even gets to say anything unless it's about what time it is or how long he has to do something.

TTT- Hey you're right! Those should be my lines. Time is my area of expertise

Wednesday- Okay. With all this talking now how much time do we have left?

Centurian- 2 minutes and 37 seconds

TTT- What?!? Cent, stop stealing my lines!

Centurian- Sorry

Wednesay- Perfect just enough time!

Hybrid- Just enough time for what Wednesday?

Wednesday grins.

Hybrid- Wednesday so help me if you hurt that old lady-

Wednesday- Geez stop worrying so much man. I won't hurt her. But how do you feel about stealing from little old ladies?

Hybrid- Well I can't say I'm really a fan.

Wednesday- Too bad! Fused follow my lead.

The two heroes walk up to the old lady.

Wedneday- Excuse me ma'am. Would you like some help with your groceries?

Old Lady- Oh my. How sweet of you two. Thank you so much.

The old lady hands Fused the bag with the salsa and Wednesday a bag of bread and fruit. He keeps a straight face with his eyes fixed on the old lady as he tosses the bags up in the air screaming at Fused.

Wednesday- Now, Fused, now! Run away!

Fused and Wednesday bolt from the old lady and her spilt groceries.

Wednesday- Hahahaha! That'll teach her to mess with the JLR.

Registered Member- The who?

Wedneday- Wha- Oh right you don't remember. Well don't bring that up right now! It's a subplot for later!

Stupid Dogg looks at the old lady slightly confused and trying to pick up her bags.

Stupid Dogg- You're horrible Wednesday... But hey at least we got the salsa!

The JLR return to the farmhouse, unopened salsa in tow.

Wednesday: Time?

The Time Trust: Thir--

Hybrid: Thirty seconds.

The Time Trust:

Hybrid:

Centurian [running past Fused through the farmhouse door]: We've gotta hurry! That young girl might be in danger!

Fused [just taking his time]: Dude, we've got thirty seconds, don't worry. It's not like she's gonna date you just because you're the first in the room.

Centurian [running into the bedroom hall]: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT !

Fused: Noob .

Centurian bursts into CJ's old room and finds the young girl under the sheets, cowering in fear of the zombie-like man. His hands are mere inches from her.

Centurian: Unhand her, you cad!

Centurian throws his magical dice. They only annoy the zombie-like man, however, when they bounce off his head. But they do have an effect on Centurian when they roll on the floor and land on number thirteen.

In a poof of smoke, Centurian is gone and replaced by...

Kolan the Barbarian: MRAWWWW!!

Kolan clubs the zombie-man.

THUMP!!

THUD!

The young girl peeks her head out from under the sheets, and sees the Barbarian hovering over the unconcious zombie-man's body...

Young Girl: AAAAHHHH!!

And Kolan the Barbarian likes .

Kolan the Barbarian: MRAWWWW!!

Centurian, the astute young boy that he is, realizes that this isn't good, but he can't wrestle control from the wild man that now occupies his space in the real world.

Young Girl: AAAAHHHH!!

Kolan the Barbarian: MRAWWWW!!

Just in the nick of time, a sonic pulse sends Kolan writhing to the floor. Finally…

Centurian [through Kolan]: Fused, it’s me!

SpandexMonkeyMan: Good job, Fused.

Fused: I know .

Stupid Dogg [entering the room]: Are you alright, ma'am?

Young Girl: I-I think so.

Ace: It’s okay. Fused used a sonic pulse to jar the barbarian and allow Centurian to take control.

Young Girl [eyeing the barbarian]: Centurian?

Centurian/Kolan gets back up shakily.

Centurian [pounding his new, muscular chest for her]: There are two of us in here. Long story.

The young girl gets up from the bed, her pert, young body barely covered by the sheets draped around her. She walks suspiciously past Centurian/Kolan and up to Fused.

Young Girl: I am now, thanks to you.

Fused: I know .

He's covered from head to toe in black and blue. Black medium length hair, blue leather vest, black vinyl pants, and black boots. One arm is covered in neon blue and black tattoos. The other is metal--bionics.

Carefully, she reaches up and pulls his silver sunglasses from his face. She stares into her hero’s blue eyes.

Young Girl: Are you some kind of rebel, Mr….?

Fused: Fused. Just call me Fused. I’m no Mister. And I’m a superhero. A superhero and a DJ .

Young Girl: A rock and roll DJ.

Fused: Of course!

Young Girl: I love rock and roll .

Fused:

Centurian [raising a barbarian hand]: I saved you from the zombie, you know.

But the young girl doesn’t really notice him. Just like any young girl, she doesn’t really notice anyone but the tattooed rebel.

Young Girl: .

Fused:

To be continued...

The zombie stirs.

Fused's arm hums.

Stupid Dogg's gun pressurizes.

A britannerang falls out of the zombie's pocket.

Wednesday [running into the room]: Wait! Is that who I think it is?

He turns the zombie-man on his back and takes his first good look at him.

Wednesday: Holy bartender, it's Britannica!!!!

JLR:

Wednesday: Look at his toes.

Both middle toes are twitching uncontrollably.

SpandexMonkeyMan: It's Brit. He's back !

Registered Member 552: You remember him ?

SpandexMonkeyMan: No, but I remember that I like him a whole lot more than that other guy !

Wednesday: I have the sneaking suspicion he's talking about me.

Centurian: So Britannica’s back?

The Time Trust: As--

Stupid Dogg: As a zombie ?

The Time Trust: Will you people stop stealing my lines !!!

Stupid Dogg: Oh, sorry .

SpandexMonkeyMan [hugging the returned hero]: All that matters is that our leader's back.

Wednesday: Hey! Wait a second--

Hybrid: That's true, I suppose.

Fused: Just like old times.

Stupid Dogg: So what’s our next move, Britannica?

Wednesday: Wait a second!

Hybrid: Oh, we’re sorry. Were you saying something, Wednesday?

Wednesday: Well, YEAH!

JLR: …

Wednesday: …

JLR: …

Wednesday: …

Hybrid: Okay, whenever you’re ready to tell us.

Wednesday: How’s he supposed to lead a group of superheroes?

Stupid Dogg: I don’t understand. What’re you getting at?

Wednesday: Am I the only one that realizes that Britannica’s a zombie? I mean, he’s a freaking zombie!

The Time Trust: But--

Wednesday: But nothing! How’s a zombie supposed to lead a group of superheroes?

Fused: He’s Britannica. He’ll be fine.

Registered Member 552: I agree.

Wednesday: You can’t agree! You have to actually remember Britannica to agree!

Registered Member 552: I’m just saying…

Wednesday: What’re you people? Nuts?

Fused: Says the guy who quit being a pimp to be a superhero .

Wednesday: Okay, you know what? I say we vote on it.

SpandexMonkeyMan [still hugging the zombie-man]: Vote on what? There’s nothing to vote on.

Wednesday: Well, we still live in America, right?

The Time Trust : Well, technically I--

Wednesday: So technically, we should vote on something like this, right? So let’s vote. Who do you want as your leader, me or the walking undead?

The Time Trust: Are you--

Wednesday: Yes, I’m very sure. So raise your hand if you want me to continue to lead this team against the forces of evil.

Wednesday raises his hand high and looks around the room.

Cricket: *Chirp*

Wednesday: I don’t believe this .

Hybrid: Raise your hand if you want Brit.

Everyone except Wednesday raises his hand. Even Registered Member 552, who was just going along with everyone else. Even the young girl, and all she knew was that Fused was raising his. And, of course, SMM raises two hands as high as they would go…

…plus Brit’s.

Wednesday: I just don’t believe it.

SpandexMonkeyMan [placing a zombie hand on Wednesday’s shoulder]: Don’t feel bad, Wednesday, just because you’ll never be half the leader Britannica was .

Wednesday: Words hurt too, you know .

SpandexMonkeyMan:

The Time Trust: So--

Hybrid: What do we do now, Brit?

The Time Trust:

Zombitannica: <Grunt>

Registered Member 552: What? You want us to eat the salsa?

Zombitannica: <Grunt>

Young Girl: What? You want to know if Fused has a girlfriend?

Zombitannica: <Grunt>

Wednesday: I don’t believe this. It’s like the mute leading the chronically stupid.

Zombitannica: <Grunt>

Hybrid: Maybe he wants us to do something about Chant?

Young Girl [jumping back in horror]: You work for Chant?

Centurian: No, it’s not like that. We don’t work for Chant--

Centurian reaches for her, in hopes of calming her down.

Young Girl [her hands glowing]: No, don’t touch me!

The young girl throws a fire bolt that propels Centurian’s barbarian body back against the wall.

Registered Member 552: Whoa.

Young Girl: He won’t use me to build that machine of his! Never!

Her hands begin to glow brighter than before, enveloping the room in a jade light.

Wednesday: Not this again.

To be continued…

[Flashes of a kingdom gone by. A mystical fighter. A mechanics garage with familiar inventions. A pig. A castle torture chamber. A young girl. Animated machines. Chant. Running. Sweat dripping from his forehead. A flash as a driveway swings into his field of view and cracks his skull. Confusion. A '74 silver Chevy van. . . BAMMM! ! ! ]

Registered Member: AAAAAAAAAHHHH! ! !

Young Girl: Aaaahhhhh! !!!

Zombitannica: Uuuuughh. ..

*slap!* [Fused slaps Registered Member across the face]

Registered Member: Ow! 'The hell did you do that for?!?!?

Fused: I dunno people usually slap people in the face when they want em to stop screaming. ..

Registered Member: Not in real life you idiot!

*slap!* [SpandexMonkeyMan slaps the young girl across the face]

Young Girl: Ow!

Centurian/Kolan: She already stopped screaming you jerk!

*slap!* [The young girl slaps SpandexMonkeyMan across the face]

*slap!* [Centurian/Kolan slaps SpandexMonkeyMan across the face]

*slap!* [Stupid Dogg slaps SpandexMonkeyMan across the face]. . .*slap!*

Registered Member: Guys! Cut it out! I remember!

Hybrid: Your memory? It's back?

Registered Member: Kinda, Im a little shakey. That girls light did something. . . fixed something, but its still a bit fuzzy. Gimme a sec to collect myself.

Stupid Dogg: That green light. Lemme guess. Healing aura?

Wednesday: The cuts on my face from shaving this morning are gone. . .

Fused: My sore back is feelin a bit better, but I did just eat a buncha painkillers. . .

SpandexMonkeyMan: It must heal memory loss too. Too bad it doesn't heal bad writing because this is all way too stupid.

Young Girl: The name. . . Chant. It just triggered something. Something horrible.

Centurian/Kolan: Its ok. You're with the JLR. We're superheroes.

Young Girl: Aah!

[The girl recoils and runs behind Fused and grips his vest]

Registered Member: I know I know you. I know I've seen you. . . Why is Britannica a zombie?

Wednesday: Better question is, why is he still a zombie?

Fused: Ya a healing aura blasts the room and the rotting corpse gets no love. Drag.

Zombitannica: Uuuuughh. ..

Stupid Dogg: RM, start with what you do remember.

Registered Member: Ok. I'm in Chant's castle. Don't know how I got there. But there are machines, bi-pedal, not robots like The Time Trust. . .

The Time Trust: Im- -

Stupid Dogg: He's an android.

The Time Trust:

Registered Member: There were ones that walk on little stickly legs, roller bots, that girl in a cage. . .all kinds of stuff. Chant's up to something. Something big.

*knock knock knock*

Fused: I got it.

[A letter falls from the mail slot into the living room by the JLR's front door]

Fused: It's not addressed. ..

[He opens the envelope and unfolds the letter that reads a large fonted word: Boom.]

Registered Member: Wait.

BOOOOMM! ! !

[Fused's body flails across the room like a ragdoll and crashes into a wallmirror smashing it into thousands of shards. He lands on the glass-covered carpet on the back of his neck and right shoulder. Enter 2 robo-droids clad in navy blue shorts and caps with light blue button up collared t-shirts. Each robot carries a brown mail bag slung over their shoulder. The young girl's eyes widen in terror]

Mail Droid 1: The target is acquired.

The Time Trust: Bri- -

SpandexMonkeyMan: Britannica! What do we do?

Zombitannica: <grunt>

Wednesday: What?? This is preposterous. JLR! Assemble! !

[One droid snatches the young girl by the arm and jerks her up from the ground like a parent would a young child in anger. A small pop can be heard]

Centurian/Kolan: Bastards!

[The barbarian man runs toward the bot that is wrenching the young girl about but is he is haulted when the other strafes between the two and hurls a brown package into Centurian/Kolan's arms]

BOOOOMM! ! !

[The barbarian is then launched into the air and quickly stops by the crushing force of the ceiling. He collapses on the floor from the 12 foot drop and plaster chips fall upon him]

Mail Droid 2: Return the target to the MailMaster.

[Jets fire from the back of the droid holding the girl but its ankle is snared by a grappling hook. A hook line attached to an oversized Super-Soaker cannon.]

Stupid Dogg: Oh no ya don't!

[Hybrid jumps in front of the 2nd Mail Droid and strikes a boxers defensive pose scaling himself in armadillo hide. There is no package thrown. The droid instead picks up Hybrid by the throat crushing what little protection the armadillo skin can provide. Suddenly. . .]

*shink! shink! shink!*

[3 bladed playing cards cut into the droids head as fiercly as it did the air to get to it]

Ka-Boom-Boom-Booooom! ! !

[The droids head explodes and Hybrid squints his eyes protecting them from the blast]

Ace: Sorry I'm late, guys! Been busy with some stuff. . .

[The robot that was airborne lands back to the ground with snare still attached and drops the girl. It then turns his head towards the card-carrying hero. It slaps away 2 cards that is thrown at it then surveys the area for the carnage to ensue]

The defenceless and innocent young girl (henceforth referred to as DAIYG) runs to hide behind an overturned table. Unfortunately, Spandex Monkey Man has beaten her to it.

DAIYG: Hey, aren't you a hero? Get out there and fight that robot!

SMM: I would, but a) I'm a coward, and b) I don't have any powers. All your glowing green aure thingy did was restore bits of my mind. Like my name and stuff, but no powers.

Hybrid, hurled away from the robot, lands nearby. Both Spandex and the DAIYG scream like a girl and duck for cover.

As the last Mail Droid whirled and turned, watching the JLR attempt to find cover or muster up an offensive, a sound chimed from somewhere. Ding dong!

The JLR slowed to a halt and looked past the Mail Droid, which also turned to look at the front door. It chimed again. Ding Dong!

The Mail Droid tilted its head in cute robot confusion (much like that puppy look when it sees a TV or something like that for the first time... ya know?). Ding Dong!

Finally, the door creaked open on it's own and a man stepped through. "Anybody home?" He stood roughly 5'10" and appeared to be a mostly unimpressive 175 lbs. He WAS wearing a neat pair of sunglasses, though.

The Mail Droid whirled and moved to attack but the man closed the door. The Droid stopped again and the JLR all glanced out from behind their respective covers. From outside they heard some banging... followed by the sound of wood being sawed.... then some more banging... with a little glass breaking thrown in for good measure...

The door swung back open and the man returned. This time he looked exactly the same as during his first entrance but this time, he had a pipe. He charged the Mail Droid, which, if it were possible, would have wet its pants. But since the Mail Droid had neither pants (they were actually stylish shorts) nor a bladder, he just sorta electro-whimpered a la R2-D2.

"With the proportionate strength of a human and uh... this pipe I found laying outside in the street... which, if you think about, is a little dangerous, I shall destroy this robot!"

And he did.

Rather well, in fact, with lots of clanging, metal on metal scraping (which caused some to cover their ears and clench their teeth), until finally the man stood above the smote ruin of the final Mail Droid, holding a bent pipe, which he promptly and triumphantly tossed into the pile of dead droid.

Slowly, the JLR pulled themselves from their hiding pla- *cough* I mean, COVER, and assembled in front of the newcomer.

Wednesday was the first to ask the obvious, "Um, not that we don't appreciate it but... who are you?"

"I am Kaz, the Human Dude," as if it were completely obvious...

"Right, of course... what are you doing here?"

"I'm here on behalf of Sups for Hire!. Um, their exclamation mark... not mine. I'm not really excited about... I mean, not like they are." Kaz helpfully handed a business card to Wednesday who looked it over. From behind him, the entire JLR peaked up and over his shoulders to read the card as well.

"I don't remember..."

"That was me," Fused interrupted as he (and the defenseless and innocent young girl) pulled himself from the floor with a groan. The entire JLR looked at him with a quizical gaze. "Well, you know how much I've been complaining since Cowgirl Jack left that we don't have any female members. So, I placed an order with Supsforhire.com. But you're supposed to be Czech... and smoking hot."

"Then-" TTT began to say.... but instead Ace piped up, "Then why is he... a dude?"

"Actually," Kaz broke in, bringing the attention of the JLR back to him. "You placed an order for a male member. I have the invoice here." Kaz whipped out the invoice and held it aloft for the JLR to see that, in fact, Fused had placed the order for the male member.

"Oh... I thought that was asking for MY sex... heh... Well, we all make mistakes, right?"

The JLR answered him with blank stares. Finally, SMM broke the silence, "What do you think, Brit? Should we-"

Zombitanica merely groaned and smelled suspiciously of roadkill. Wednesday handed the business card back to Kaz and asked, "Do you have... credentials?"

Kaz let a huge smile split his face for a moment before it disappeared completely. "Of course! I've worked with World Hero, Hero of the World (that was up in Pittsburgh), Fishnet Lad and Bryan."

"Bryan?" Hybrid had managed to get back to consciousness.

"Yes, Bryan. What... you guys have never heard of Bryan?"

Wednesday shook his head. "Okay, we don't have time for this! Chant's up to something and he's attacked us on our own turf. We need to-"

"I'm sorry," Kaz said with a polite wave of his hand. "I am kind of new to this but... uh... who the #@%&* is Chant?"

Brian A. Ortiz: Chant would be the only postal worker crazy enough to try to make it as a villain. Or vice versa. I could never really tell.

(The JLR turns to see Brian A. Ortiz, dressed in a black wool pea coat, burnt orange Banana Republic sweater, and Old Navy blue jeans.)

Ace: Midnight?

Brian: Yep.

Ace: Where's your costume?

Brian: Where's CJ?

Ace: I asked you first.

Brian: Fair enough. It's hypercompressed inside of this ring.(Brian taps a black ring on his right ring finger.) Something no Barry Allen fan should ever go without. I definitely would have changed into my black and blues beforehand if I knew we were going to be having company.

Wednesday: yeah,great,sure. Kind of you to finally join us. Y'know, there's this wonderful invention called a Comm-link. You should try using yours sometime.

Brian: I...didn't have access for a while. One of the drawbacks of being hospital bound* and all.

JLR: HOSPITAL?!?

Brian: Yeah. Two, to be precise. Turns out acting like I was nigh-omnipotent put a strain on the spacetime continuum...and the reverberation effect was more than my body can handle.* Half the stuff I was doing I was straining reality to do...like flying. Granted, I'm still metahuman and--

Fused: Could you speed this up? we need to find out what happened to Brit.

RM552: Yeah...he's not being very leaderlike.

Zombitannica: Urrrrr.

Brian: ...Or human. Other than being a baseline metahuman, I can manipulate Hypertime threads and such, which gives me exclusive access to a time-traveling relic. I'll explain later. I'll go change and then we'll try to unzombify Brit.

Brian (thinking to himself): It's good to be working with the JLR again. My life as Brian has seen too many downturns lately...rejected by fans, shunned by friends, mistrusted even by the few who do know my secret. Despite it all, I can only think of my mother, who is now in a similar place I was just a month ago. If she doesn't emerge from her gradual state of deterioration...

I may very well be a murderer.*

Damn, I have some long, detailed thoughts.

Yes, well, with that being said, let's turn our attention somewhere else, shall we?

Chant: Dr. Huh??

Dr. Huh?: Huh?

Chant: Yes, you.

Dr. Huh?: Huh?

Chant: Yes, Huh?, YOU!!

Dr. Hug?: Huh?

Chant: *sigh* Dr. Stoned?

Dr. Stoned: Yeah?

Chant: Remind me to kill Dr. Huh? when I get the chance.

Dr. Stoned: Umm.... what?

Chant: Dr. Stoned?

Dr. Stoned: Yeah?

Chant [putting his hand on a switch]: Did I pull this switch a few minutes ago?

Dr. Stoned: Ummm...yes?

Chant: And is this switch the main power switch for The Switcher?

Dr. Stoned: Ummm...yes?

Chant: And who was sitting here when I pulled that switch?

Dr. Stoned: That Spandex Monkey person..I think.

Chant: Very good, Dr. Stoned. Now if you'd please sit here for a moment.

Dr. Stoned: Ummmmm...sure.

Dr. Stoned sits in the testing chair.

Chant: Dr. Stoned, what should have happened to that Spandex Monkey person when I pulled that switch?

Dr. Stoned: Well, I think he should have been...

Chant: Go ahead, Dr. Stoned, you can say it.

Dr. Stoned: ...switched?

Chant: Correct, Doctor!

Dr. Stoned: *sigh*

Chant: And Doctor?

Dr. Stoned: Yes?

Chant: Was he, in fact, switched?

Dr. Stoned: Well, ummm, no, sir--

Chant: Why is that, Dr. Stoned?

Dr. Stoned: Well, Mr. Chant...ummm...you see, the recognicance coil was probably backwards...I think.

Chant: How much does that coil weigh, Dr. Stoned?

Dr. Stoned: About 3 tons.

Chant: And how high up is that coil?

Dr. Stoned: It's probably a good four stories up, man. Can I get up now? I've got the munchies real bad.

Chant: Oh don't worry, we'll take care of that. So would you say that's an easy coil to move, Dr. Stoned?

Dr. Stoned: Ummmmmmm....no.

Chant: Me neither.

Chant straps him in the testing chair.

Chant: Hey, Doctor?

Dr. Stoned: Yeah?

Chant: Who was supposed to put that coil in?

Dr. Stoned: Ummmm...well...I think you told me to make that Darren kid do it, cuz he's the only one who could lift that much.

Chant: Why yes, I did. [Chant walks Dr. Huh? to the other testing chair.] And who was responsible for making sure Darren put it in the right way?

Dr. Stoned: Ummmm...I dunno.

Chant: You were, Dr. Stoned.

Dr. Stoned: Really? Dude, I totally didn't do a very good job.

Chant [strapping Dr. Huh in]: No, "dude", you didn't. Two more questions, Dr. Stoned.

Dr. Stoned: Yeah?

Chant: What's this other switch?

Dr. Stoned: It's, like, the safety switch.

Chant turns it off.

Chant: Dr. Stoned...

Dr. Stoned: Yeah?

Chant: Remember what I said about later?

Dr. Stoned: I'm supposed to tell you to--

Chant: Right, well, never mind.

Chant flips the main power switch.

The smell of burnt flesh wafts through the smoke filled air

Chant- Darren!

Darren- Yes sir, Chant?

Chant- Go get me a soda, Bitch!

Darren hoped his young friend was all right. It had been two whole days since they’d tried to escape Chant’s fortress and warn others of his insidious plans, since they tripped every alarm, inviting an army of minions to swarm in from every direction. Two whole days since he’d allowed Chant’s minions to capture him at the last moment so she could get away.

Darren stepped through the hatch, his wrists and ankles still clasped by cuffs and bound to each other by short but heavy chains. He looked around at all the workers, some waiting impatiently in long lines, some grabbing food or being served, and still others wolfing down their meals before their brief lunch breaks were over. Chant worked his people hard but he provided everyone three square meals.

That lunch line was way too long. Chant wanted his soda now. Darren had no choice but to skip ahead.

Minion 1564: Hey, punk, back o’ the line!

Darren: Sorry, but--

Minion 274: Sorry, nothin’! Didn’t you hear what he said?

Darren knew enough to lower his eyes. If he told them he was here for Chant, they might kick him out of the lunch room empty handed, just to get him in trouble with the Mailmaster of Mayhem.

Darren: Yeah, I heard.

Several minions laughed.

Minion 3987: Not so tough without your superpowers, huh? Just a scrawny teenager with pimples.

Minion 1564: I heard he can’t even use ‘em right. They caught him pretty quick when he tried to escape.

Minion 3987: They still haven’t caught that girlfriend of his, though…

They were talking about his friend! She hadn’t been caught! A sigh escaped Darren’s lips.

Minion 3987: …tougher than him.

Minion 274: Guess we know who wears the pants in that relationship.

Even more minions laughed.

Minion 1564: Wouldn’t mind getting in those pants, though.

Every minion in earshot snickered.

And Darren was furious.

Darren: Pi!

Nothing.

Darren: I know you can here me, Pi? Answer me!

Minion 274: What’s wrong with him?

Darren searched all around him, but his ‘companion’ was nowhere to be found.

Darren: Don’t ignore me!

The minion’s fist came across Darren’s cheek like a brick, sending him tilting. His shoulder hit the marble floor hard, but the taste of his own blood across his tongue kept him focused. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t want to be there. He was a prisoner caught in a mad villain’s newest scheme of world domination.

It wasn’t fair.

The lunch server looked over the glass partition that separated Chant’s working crew from himself and the food he scooped and splattered on their plates. He watched the kid cup his fist-struck cheek while his eyes remained shut tight so whoever hit him wouldn’t see the tears.

Server: Hey, kid, we ain’t got no more pie.

Slowly, Darren began to lift himself off the floor.

Darren: Chant wanted a soda.

Server: Damn. Well, why didn’t you say so, kid?

The server disappeared into the back. Soon enough, he returned with a can of root beer.

Server: Here you go.

Darren nodded his thanks, looked at the line of minions, and wished they would all go to hell.

Then he felt the rumble.

The lights flickered, and everyone caught their footing. No one said a word, but everyone wondered the same thing. Were they under attack? Minion 274 wished he’d paid more attention at the Emergency Battle Stations briefing.

There was another rumble, this one more violent, and another flicker. Someone’s glass clashed to the floor and shattered, spilling juice and breaking the silence.

Minion 1654: What’s goin--

The third rumble sent people, dishes, and food crashing down. Darren fell hard again on his side. Chant’s can crashed and spray root beer all over Minions 274 and 3987.

The alarm finally sounded and everyone scattered.

Darren was able to move his leg. That meant his hip wasn’t broken, thank God.

Darren: Pi!

He always appeared differently in our realm. This time there was a spark, like a firecracker going off. Then there was a huge, blue puff of smoke. Then…

Pi: You don’t have to yell, you know. I can hear you quite fine.

Darren: Then why didn’t you show up before?

Pi was more than satisfied to hover over the ailing boy. There was another rumble but Pi never bothered to notice. Human affairs were usually silly anyway.

He adjusted the brim of his hat and flew close to Darren, inspecting the boy’s cheek.

Pi: Listen here, kiddo, I’m not your genie in a bottle. I show up when I feel like showing up. Besides, it was funny.

Pi sighed heavily and snapped his fingers. The cafeteria’s alarm silenced leaving others to be heard through the thick doors and walls from adjacent rooms.

Pi: There, that’s better.

Darren: Something’s going on.

Pi: So? Like the narrator said, I think human affairs were usually silly anyway.

Darren: Like who said?

One of Pi’s eyes was purple, while the other was a metallic grey. He rolled them both.

Pi: I wouldn’t expect a human to understand.

Darren: I need my powers, Pi.

Pi: YOUR POWERS???

Pi was getting angry now. This human was crossing the line. Perhaps he should turn him into a rooster, he thought. Or maybe a pig.

Darren: Whatever. Your powers. Please.

Pi grinned from ear to ear.

Pi: All you had to do was ask.

Darren could feel the sudden rush of air being displaced from the other side of the fortress--Chant’s laboratory, to be exact. A portal? Could it be? Did she find help? Was he being saved?

Darren flew through the corridors as fast as the chains would allow. They’d grown stronger in near proportion to his own strength increase, but not even Chant to could come up with a contraption that could compensate for the rush of Herculean power Pi would give Darren, the human he considered a worthy pet, with a snap of his blue fingers.

Darren busted through the last thick iron door, both fists first, and landed on the floor running.

He saw them there, standing in their triumphant poses while the portal closed behind them.

And she saw him.

Girl: Darren!?

Darren: Jade?

Since the day the girl escaped, Chant had been expecting this. As he gripped the main power switch, he couldn’t help but say...

Chant: Glad you could join us, Justice League. And you brought the girl back too! Thank you. Too bad I no longer need her. You see, Darren here just finished my little machine.

Jade (Girl): No!

Chant: Now all it needs is one last test run.

Chant flipped the switch again and light filled the room.

To be continued…

It was worse than a punch in the face. Darren could feel his whole body ache, he thought. He couldn’t open his eyes.

?: What the hell just happened?

?: My head hurts!

?: Guuh!

?: Is everyone okay?

?: I think I’m blind!

?: Try opening your eyes.

?: Oh.

?: Where’s Chant? We have to stop him! Where is he?

Chant?: Right here .

JLR:

Jade?: Darren?

That’s my name, Darren thought. It sounded like Jade but…didn’t sound like her.

Chant?: Not any more.

Darren thought Chant sounded funny too. His voice was oddly familiar, but it wasn’t the one that had bid minions and prisoners to do his bidding. Darren unclosed his eyes and realized he was draped over the switch. He looked up and wondered why everyone looked so confused.

Chant?: Well, I couldn’t have planned this any better myself .

Jade?: That’s him! That’s Chant.

?: Then who’s that?

Jade?: Darren?

Darren fixed his eyes, he thought, on the boy who was talking…he thought. He couldn’t have been more than older than himself, probably a year or two younger.

Then he turned around and saw himself in superhero form, with an odd-looking, unconscious man draped over his shoulder.

Darren watched himself parade over to another switch near the door (in superhero form, he was quite obviously unencumbered by the man’s weight on his shoulder—and this is the only thing that made sense to Darren as he watched himself, mind you) and flipped it. The alarm was silenced and replaced by an automated voice that spoke plainly in every room…

Voice: Doomsday sequence initiated. T-Minus 40 seconds.

?: Sounds like a--

?: Self-destruct sequence. And that boy’s got TTT.

?: Ace, try using your explosion cards to blowi a hole in the wall. Midnight, Jade, see if you can break through. Wednesday, Fused, get Chant. Everyone else, concentrate on the boy and rescuing TTT. Remember, we don't know what he's capable of.

The boy who spoke like Jade: No, you don’t understand. Chant switched bodies—all our bodies. That’s what his machine does. He’s in Darren’s body and Darren’s in his.

Oh my God! Darren thought. The machine worked. And now Chant was getting away.

One hero, a muscular black man, looked at the one with a steel arm.

?: Hit him with a sonic pulse!

?: What?

?: Use your arm! Hit him with your sonic arm.

The man looked down at his steel arm and—for lack of a better term—freaked out.

?: Holy %@$! What happened to my body?

Voice: T-Minus 30 seconds.

Jade (as Centurian): Didn’t you hear me? We’ve all been switched around. No one’s in their original bodies anymore.

Britannica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): Damn.

Chant (as Darren Messenger): Well, this is fun, but, you know, secret base blowing up and all.

Chant uses Darren’s super speed to cross the room in the blink of an eye and press the button under the control console. With a whir, boom, and whip, the switching machine vanishes, teleported to a pre-calculated destination.

Chant approaches the young Darren.

Chant (as Darren Messenger): It’ll be a shame to lose such a great body. Ah well. You have to crack a few eggs, I suppose.

Chant grabs the keys from his old mailmaster’s uniform, unlocks the specially designed, magic-imbued chains from his wrists, and feels the surge of power as his new body is allowed to reach its full power potential at last.

Voice: T-Minus 20 seconds.

Chant (as Darren Messenger): Gotta fly.

With The Time Trust’s body still draped over his shoulder, Chant sails into the air and breaks through the steel roof like a thin slice of Swiss cheese. In moments Chant and TTT’s body are out of the building and outside the blast radius.

Voice: T-Minus 10 seconds. 9, 8…

Centurian (as Jade): We’ve gotta get out of here.

? (as Wednesday): Wait, today’s Wednesday!

Voice: 5, 4, 3…

SpandexMonkeyMan (as Kaz): Use the teleporter!

Voice: 2, 1…

The Time Trust (as Wednesday): …just enough time!

Voice: 0.

To be continued…

SMM (as Kaz): Okay, this is just weird.

Fused(as Ace): I'd agree with you, but I think you're Spamm, so I have to disagree on principle.

Suddenly, the JLR notice something.

TTT:Hey, I'm in Wednesday's body...

Ace(as Fused): So Wednesday's in yours!

TTT(as Wednesday):And...

Centurian(as Jade):We're still stealing your lines!

TTT:

Cent:Hey, I've got Boobs! Neat!

Jade (as Centurian): Hey get your hands off those!

Centurian (as Jade): OH! I wasn't! I mean. . . I just.

Ace (as Fused): Where the hell are we?

Doog (as Hybrid): Looks like. . . Dairy Queen.

Fused (as Ace): Chant's teleporter takes you to the DQ? . . .do whatcha gotta do for yer Dilly Bar jones, I guess.

Kaz (as SMM): Man. . . this sucks. I'm totally gay.

SpandexMonkeyMan (as Kaz): Hey! Shut up!!!

Kaz (as SMM): No. Seriously. Erections for men. All day looooooooong!!!

SpandexMonkeyMan (as Kaz): I'll kill you!

Kaz (as SMM): You'll kill *you*.

Ace (as Fused): Fused? Your arm isnt the only thing thats cybernetic is it?

Fused (as Ace): Don't ask. Lets just say that Triple T's not the only person here that's fucked a robot.

TheTimeTrust (as Wednesday): She wasn't a robot! She was an - -

Doog (as Hybrid): Toaster?

Midnight Spectre 2.0 (as Zombitannica): Uhhhhhhhgggnnnnn. . . .

Britannica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): Boys! (and girl) I can talk!

SpandexMonkeyMan (as Kaz): Well thats unfortunate.

Ace (as Fused): Thank god! Now you can translate us all those things you were telling us as a zombie.

Britannica: Well chap. . . I was pretty much saying "Uhhhhhhhgggnnnnn. . . ."

JLR:

Britannica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): It's not everyday you get to be a zombie!

Centurian (as Jade): Jade! I bought you a banana split!

Jade (as Centurian): I cant eat those. It's hard enough to fit in my costume.

Centurian (as Jade): Don't worry! Youre in my body, I eat em all the time. Pound away on it. I dont mind!

Jade (as Centurian): You didn't just eat that, did you?

Centurian (as Jade): Only two!

Jade (as Centurian): *cry*

Centurian (as Jade):

Fused (as Ace): Don't sweat it, kid.

He says as he slaps Centurian as Jade's taut buttocks.

Centurian (as Jade):

Hybrid (as Dood): Well Chant's on the loose as that Darren kid, All our bodies are switched by a device that, in all probability, vaporized in the base that exploded 5 minutes ago. Wednesday's been kidnapped and Time Trust's body is gone with it. Brit. We need your leadership.

Britannica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): Blizzard treats for everyone!

JLR: . . .

Midnight Spectre2.0 (as Zombitannica): Mmmm rrrrnnnn!

Britannica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): Oh, that’s right. This isyour wallet.

Ace (as Fused): Brit, you shouldn’t mock the zombie.

Britannica (as MS 2.0): I’m not mocking him, I…understand him.

The Time Trust (as Wednesday): Great…now we can translate his gibberish.

Midnight Spectre2.0 (as Zombitannica): brrr rrarr farrr lrrrn mmmm.

Britannica (as MS 2.0): He says the reason he’s not mindless is that his mind is linked to his powers in hypertime…that’s why his body hears words and not gibberish.

Wednesday (as TTT): Not that this hasn’t been a riveting experience, but…what can you and your nifty bad powers do to get us back into our bodies?

Zombitannica shrugs his shoulders.

Zombitannica (as MS 2.0): ufllufff.

Britannica (as MS 2.0): Not a damn thing. He’s never dealt with this before.

JLR: Wonderful.

Clerk behind counter: Excuse me…If you’re not going to order anything, I’ll have to ask you all to leave.

Wednesday (as TTT): Yeah, Midnight. If you can’t change us back, at least treat us to some blizzards.

Midnight Spectre2.0 (as Zombitannica): ffffftttt.

Britannica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): Now Midnight, it’s not polite to tell people to shut up…nor is it nice to call Wednesday that. He is not a doofus.

Ace (as Fused): Yep, our team is experiencing its finest hour.

After enjoying a delicious DQ Blizzard the team gets back to the problem at hand.

Darren (as Chant)- Um, if I may interject...?

DOOG (as Hybrid)- HOLYPOO IT'S CHANT!

Ace (as Fused)- Uh Hybrid, thats the kid that switched bodies with Chant remember?

Hybrid (as DOOG)- He's not Hybrid, I am!

Ace (as Fused)- What?!?

DOOG (as Hybrid)- Oh that's right... I think this brain freeze is starting to affect me a bit.

DOOG grabs his (Hybrid's) head and starts to shake it. After just a few seconds the pain goes away as Hybrid's powers kick in and compensate his bodies adaptions for the brain freeze.

DOOG (as Hybrid)- Owww.....ohhh....ahhh.... That felt disturbingly good...

TTT (as Wednesday)- Wait a minute who is who here?

Centurian (as Jade)- I'm me!

Brittannica (as Midnight)- Oh well thank you that is a big help...

Fused (as Ace)- Maybe we should write some of this down.

Midnight (as Zombitannica) grabs a napkin from one of the tables- Gruhhp

Brittannica (as Midnight)- Ah yes, now lets see-

Britannica is Midnight
Midnight is Britannica
Ace? Who are you?

Ace (as Fused)- I'm still Ace but I'm in Fused'es body. Fused'es? Fused's? Fused'es's? Geez, what's the correct grammar on that?

Britannica (as Midnight) ignoring Ace- So i'm guessing that would make you Fused?

-he says to Ace.

Fused (as Ace)- Correctimundo mi capitahn.

Britannica (as Midnight)- Ok and DOOG is Hybrid, so Hybrid is DOOG. Centurian is the girl so the girl must be Cent, and-

TTT (as Wednesday)- and I'm TTT... Sorry I wanted to say something again.

Fused (as Ace)- Hey I just realized something. This is the first time I actually don't mind Midnight taking over from Brit!

JLR-

Midnight (as Zombitannica)- Bruhhhgg!

(Interpretation- Heyyyy....)

Darren (as Chant)- Um, guys?

DOOG (as Hybrid)- GAH, WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?!?

Hybrid (as DOOG)- (sigh)

Darren (as Chant)- I'm not Chant, I'm Darren, remember?

Britannica (as Midnight)- Duly noted!

Darren (as Chant)- It's great you all are working this out and everything, but Chant's getting away and it's in my body!

Britannica (as Midnight) making a mark on his napkin- Also duly noted!

Darren (as Chant)- Ok we'll I may be able to get us some help. PI!

JLR-

Meanwhile Chant floats to the ground and heaves TTT's still 'temporarily disabled' body to the ground

Chant (as Darren)- Boy all this body switching sure makes a guy hungry. I could certainly go for some pie....

Suddenly a small puddle nearby begins to boil and steam as a small figure rises from the water.

The bubbles pop and burst, growing in frequency. All eyes are fixed upon the growing doom. Fear fills the heart of every man (woman) and SpandexMonkeyMan present. Thunder crackles (despite the lack of clouds) and lightning streaks the sky. And then a horrible, blasting sonic screech pierces the air. Sweat pours down the spines, hairs stand on end, and teeth are gnashed in terror. And finally, Larry moves over and rescues the fries from further burning grease pain and anguish.

A collective sigh sounds through the hallowed halls of the great Dairy Queen.

Chant (as Darren): Now, BACK TO THE PIE! Thanks alot, you bags, you've gone and busted my portal. Now I have FLY to Dairy Queen!

Kaz (as SMM): Excuse me!

Chant (as Darren): Eh? What?!

Kaz (as SMM): Over here. The one with the erection. The one that's totally gay for you. Yeah, me.

SMM (as Kaz): Cut that out! I'll totally rip your arms off!

Kaz (as SMM): From this body? Probably wouldn't make much of a difference.

Chant (as Darren): Okay, okay! I know which one you are!

Kaz (as SMM): Can you switch us back?

Brittanica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0) *whispering to Ace (as Fused)*: Do something, Ace.

Ace (as Fused) *whispers back*: Have no idea how this stuff works! *holds his cybernetic arm up uselessly*

Kaz (as SMM): I mean, maybe a couple of us at least? Look, in return, I won't kick your ass so bad, okay, you mamby-pamby creme-soda lovin' babysiiter!

Chant (as Darren): I'll unleash my MailBots of Doom! I'll slaughter all of you where you stand!

Kaz (as SMM): Yeah... see.... about that...

Chant (as Darren): What? What is it?

Hybrid (as Doog): I mean, if we're gonna go down fighting. We'd like to at least do it in our own bodies.

Chant (as Darren): What?.... You're missing the genius of my plan, here. Why do you think I switched your bodies?!?!

Brit (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): Okay, Fused, you do something!

Fused (as Ace): Okay! Here goes..... *concentrates, tying to find the part of Ace's body that would allow him to tap into Ace's amazing abilities* Alright!

Centurion (as Jade): Why do you do anything? Oh my god! I can't get over how different my voice sounds! And that I have a vagina! I mean, this is awesome... I've never even seen one before!

Chant (as Darren): Again, you guys are completely missing the brilliance.

Centurion (as Jade): Who's got a mirror?!?!

Fused (as Ace): Okay... Here goes! *everyone turns to Fused (as Ace), who flips up the collar on Ace's jacket, seemes to move without moving {with motion-lines and EVERYTHING!}, and suddenly (and quite arrogantly) drops into the the coolest #!%$in' pose ever, mother$%#$ers* Your card is ... 7 of diamonds!

Chant {as Darren): What??? I haven't picked a card, you mook!

Fused (as Ace): *still looking cool as hell* ... Jack a Spades?

Ace (as Fused): *slaps forehead*

Chant (as Darren): My one moment of victory, and instead of being in anguish over the switches, you bags are just goofing off!!

Kaz (as SMM): Actually, that was the whole basis of my-

Jade (as Centurion): What's this? *pulls hand out of Centurion's pocket*

Centurion (as Jade): Oh... *coughs nervously* those... aren't mine. I was holding them for a friend! Honest!

Brittanica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): *looks around nervously, finally his vision falls on Midnight Spectre 2.0 as himself, in the undead body* Midnight! It's up to you!

Midnight Spectre 2.0 (as Brittanica): [What Midnight thinks he says:] It's good to be working with the JLR again. My life as Brian has seen too many downturns lately...rejected by fans, shunned by friends, mistrusted even by the few who do know my secret. Despite it all, I can only think of my mother, who is now in a similar place I was just a month ago. If she doesn't emerge from her gradual state of deterioration...

[What everyone hears:] UHHHHHHHHHH MMEEEEEERRRRR UNG!!!

Jade (as Centurion): What are these? *she drops the dice.... they roll to a stop, revealing the numbers 1 and 2*

12 - Gerard de Rapierwitte, Human, Fighter: Swashbuckler

{Smoke rises and ethereal magicky stuff oozes from the thin air, and from the plane of D&D heroes, comes Gerard.}

Gerard: What ze bloody 'ell eez going on here? *conciously smoothes back his pencil-thin, handle-bar mustache*

Chant (as Darren): Wow... You've got new members popping up out of the pavement now, do you? Who is this one?

Jade (as Centurion ((as Gerard de Rapierwitt))): Attack him! Attack the one in the postal uniform!

Gerard: What eez diz postal, womAHn? Show yerzelf!

Jade (as Centurion ((as Gerard de Rapierwitt))): I'm in another... Plain.

Centurion (as Jade): Plane, actually.

Stupid Doog (as Hybrid): Gawd... no wonder you've never seen a vagina before.

Jade (as Centurion ((as Gerard de Rapierwitt))): Okay... whatever! Listen, old man.

Gerard: I eez not an old mAhn! I am zirty yirs young, mon sheri! Do you not recognize ze face of Gerard de Rapierwitte!

Fused (as Ace): You've yet to say anything remotely funny.

Ace (as Fused): You don't even sound French.

Gerard: What is ze dis "French" you speak of?

Chant (as Darren): Can we get back to my kicking of your asses?

Kaz (as SMM): Hey, kid... do you got any powers I can use?

SMM (as Kaz): I have no idea. The switcher stole my powers.

Kaz (as SMM): Okay, I'll work with what I have. *much like Fused (as Ace) but with much less coolness, Kaz (as SMM) concentrates, trying to find the link that would allow him to control SMM's meta-proficiencies*

Chant (As Darren): Is this all you've got, JLR!?? I laugh at your inferiority!

{Suddenly, there was the smell of Funky Munky Ice Cream and smoke the color of bananas, straight from the forests of Brazil, and in the wake, Kaz (as SMM) has metamorphozed into a short feral-looking monkey.}

Kaz (as SMM): OOK OOK ACK EEK!!! Wow.... Man! Not exactly the best of powers....

SMM (as Kaz): Oh sure... it can't beat "proportionate strength of a human."

Chant (as Darren): That's it! I've reached the end of my patience!

Gerard: Zen make your move, Postal!

Chant (as Darren) begins launching brown packages around the the resturant, blowing members of the JLR and Denise (who was fixing a Chocolate Genocide Blizzard for Brit (as Midnight Spectre 2.0)) around the headquarters of Hot Eats! Cool Treats!

Fused (as Ace) and Ace (as Fused) both dive behind the counter where Denise (sans braces, since she had gotten those taken off last month) was recovering.

Kaz (as SMM) leaps into the air, and using his prehensive tail he grabs a hanging light fixture, and using his newfound stretching meta-faculties, he reaches his arms down and grabs Chant's wrists.

Chant (as Darren): A stretching monkey?

SMM (as Kaz): Who woulda thunk it?

Kaz (as SMM) stretches his spandex-monkey body into the form of a blanket and wraps his body around Chant, completely smothering him. The two wrestle on the tile floor of the Dairy Queen. The two roll around causing further damage to the diner until Chant (as Darren) manages to force Kaz (as SMM) off him. Chant manages to get to his feet and Kaz (as SMM) remounts his attack, only to catch the swinging foot of Chant's (as Darren) kick to the face. The force sends him tumbling backwards, ultimately crashing into Gerad who had just begun to get his bearings. The two come to a halting crash on the other side of the counter from Fused (as Ace), Ace (as Fused) and Denise.

Chant looks over the finally defeated, deflated and ultimately confused JLR. He reaches into his mailbag and pulls forth the largest Buck Rogers Space Gun anyone had ever seen (except for Stupid Doog but that's a tale for another day). It looks impossibly huge a) for Chant to even hold up and b) to fit into his mailbag.

Chant (as Darren): Fools! Did you think that the Switcher was the only weapon I had?

He turns the gun and points it directly in the face of TTT (as Wednesday) who watches the barrel with crossed-eyes.

TTT (as Wednesday): What? I've just been standing here! What do you want from me?

Wednesday (as TTT): *sleepily comes to from his KO'ed status* Oh! Gotta point the gun at the BLACK man! Okay I see how it is!

SMM (as Kaz): Alright, this friggin IT!

Leaping over a table with the proportional jumping ability of a human, Spandex runs over to Chant and, summoning all his new body's might...knees him in the groin.

Unfortunately, it's the wrong Chant!

Darren (as Chant): What the hell was that for?

SMM (as Kaz): Oops, wrong Chant. Sorry!

Setting Darren's body in his sights, Spamm leaps...and misses him by a clear foot.

SMM (as Kaz): Dammit!

Doog (as Hybrid): Don't worry, I've got an idea!

Doog starts banging his head on the wall, until he develops a super-hardened head. Then, he runs at Chant, hitting him square in the stomach and knocking the gun from his hands.

Chant (as Darren): $#*@! Alright, you asked for it! POST-AL!

With a mighty poof of postmasterly smoke, Chant is joined by a band of huge demonic creatures in postman uniforms.

Chant (as Darren): Have I introduced you to my Postal Demons?

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, an Oldsmobile(sp?) Cutlass crashes into the DQ, effectivly making the restarant a drivethrough(sp?), and running over five postal demons (Cutlasses are big, clunky mofos of the species automobila).

JLR:


A mysterious female pops her head out of the window of the cutlass.

Mysterious Female: Get in the car!

SMM(as Kaz): Why should we?

Rest of JLR: Yeah?

Mysterious Female: You want to stay with the postal demons, that's fine with me, everyone has their own kink. However, I figured that anyone with half a brain even if it's zombified (looks at Midnight Spectre 2.0 as Zombrittanica) would rather leave the post demons in favor of a ride. Guess I was wrong.

JLR: WAIT!!!!!!!!

Kaz (as SMM): She makes a good point. One problem. Not all of us are going to fit.

Mysterious Female: Climb on the Hood of the car and hold on tight.

JLR:

Mysterious Female: I'm thinking of numbers between 1 and 100. Go.

Jade (as Centurian [as Gerard]): 13

Mysterious Female: Get in.

Jade (as Ceturian[as Gerard]) gets into the front seat.

Chant (as Darren): 22

Mysterious Female: Nice try, jerkoff. I was born at night, not last night.

Chant (as Darren):

Darren (as Chant): 21

Mysterious Female: Get in.

Darren (as Chant) gets into the frount seat as Jade (as Centurian [as Gerard])

TTT (as Wendsday): 69 (looks around, surprised that noone has stolen his line).

Mysterious Female: Ohhh I like you. Get in.

TTT (as Wedsnday) gets in the driverside back seat.

Wendsday (as TTT): 25

Mysterious Female: Sorry. Not thinking of that one.

Wendsday (as TTT): bitch

Mysterious Female: What did you call me ?

Wednsday (as TTT): nothing

Mysterious Female: Thought so.

Brittannica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0): 42

Mysterious Female: Get in.

Brittannica (as Midnight Spectre 2.0) goes to the middle back seat.

Fused (as Ace): Seven.

Mysterious Female: Get in. Everyone else, hold on to the hood.

Fused (as Ace) gets into the last seat.

Everyone else:

Everyone else (except Chant/Darren) holds on to the hood.

Mysterious Female: And we're off!

Mysterious Female drives off, plowing into two more postal demons, and making a fresh new hole in DQ.

Chant (as Darren):

Perkins Pain and Tile Store. Larry and his son are stocking cans. It's quiet day. Not a lot of customers.

Larry: Remember son, not over six high. They might topple over.

Larry's Son: Okay, Paw. Listen, I have to tell something about school.

Larry: Yes, son.... what is it?

Larry's Son: Well, see.... it's about my report--

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, an Oldsmobile Cutlass (covered in JLR) crashes in to the quiet Paint and Tile store.

Larry: Holy--

Mysterious Female: Hey, Larry! You got a stack over there that's close to eight!

Larry:Who the hell are you?

Mysterious Female: Don't worry about that! Get in the car!

Larry: Why? Why would I want to that? I mean, I was getting along just fine in my Paint and Tile Store that DIDN'T have a huge ass hole in the wall.

Mysterious Female: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100.

Larry: 67!

Mysterious Female: Get in the car!!

Larry: What the--

Wednesday (as TTT): Listen, we need directions.

Larry: Oh!!! Why didn't you say so!

Larry jumps in to the car (on the laps of everyone in the back seat) and Mysterious Female hammers the gas, crashing through the opposite side of the store, leaving Larry's Son startled and confused.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Meanwhile, in First Second National City Bank, Donald the securty guard idly sits in his comfy chair, completing the day's crossword.

Donald: A six-letter word for a mind reader.... what could that be?

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, an Oldsmobile Cutlass crashes into the bank vault

Mysterious Female: Psychic!! Get in the car!

Donald: What!

Donald whips out his trusty revolver and shoves it into the Mysterious Female's face.

Mysterious Female: Oops! Sorry. Doesn't look like I have enough room!

The Mysterious Female slams on the gas once again, driving the car through the other side of the bank vault, leaving a very confused Donald in its wake.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Back at Dairy Queen with Chant (as Darren) and his minions, the postal demons, are idly chatting and playing cards.

Postal Demon #6: I hate it when we get summoned and there are no faces to eat.

Postal Demon #71: No kidding. Usually when we get summoned there are faces to eat.

Postal Demon #124: This sucks.

Postal Demon#6: Anybody want a Blizzard?

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, an Oldsmobile(sp?) Cutlass crashes into the DQ, effectivly making the restarant a drivethrough(sp?), and running over five postal demons (Cutlasses are big, clunky mofos of the species automobila).

Larry: I said take a RIGHT at the bank! You ended up taking four lefts!!!

Mysterious Female: What? You can't expect me to know everything!?!?

Chant (as Darren) leaps on to the hood and scatters the JLR off the car.

Chant (as Darren): Nice try! But this time you won't escape!

SMM (as Kaz) summons the proportionate pickpocket skill of a human and swipes a WMC gun.

SMM (as Kaz): Hey! Look what I got! Let's see.... where is the "normal" setting.

Chant (as Darren): Give that back!

The two wrestle over the gun accidentally setting it off and shooting the JLR

Jade: Hey! I'm me!

TTT: Wow. . . M-

Ace: Wow. . . Me too!

TTT:

ZomBrittanica: uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Kaz and Darren looked into each other's eyes. They both glance downward and see that they are caressing each other's hands over the WMC gun. They quickly pull their hands away in an attempt to be less gay looking. The WMC gun falls to the DQ floor, cracks and fires, hitting once again the JLR.

Fused: What's that smell? . . . Smells like. . . girl. . .

Fused looks down to his vest and becomes stoned in thought as he sees the milky white skin of his cleavage buldging out the mesh shirt under his blue vinyl vest. His thin waist and hourglass shape startles him as he looks up to see a group of knockout ladies dressed in what he had been accustomed to being the JLR members in superhero uniform.

Gerard de Rapierwitte: Cordon Bleu! I am ze woh-mahn!!

Midnight Spectre 2.0: We're all hot babes!

Fused: I would totally FUCK myself!

Wednesday: (now back as Wednesday but as a fine-ass foxy sistah): It's She-Chant! !

Chant: Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!!?

Zombitannica: UUUuuhhhhHhHhrrrRrrrrrrrrrr! ! ! ! !!! ! (as a hot nerdy zombie girl)


Kaz and Darren both reach for the WMC gun. Darren comes up with it and fires again at the JLR. The gun clicks and whirls but nothing happens.

Kaz: (as Kaz, NOT a hot chick version of Kaz with supple breasts and a hot ass, just so we're clear) What did you do!!!?

Darren:: I don't know. It just won't work.

Jade: You better think of something cause I'd rather not be this hairy.

Mysterious Male:Think of a number!

She-Chant: Shut up! Demons... bring me that gun!

The JLR as super babes look over their shoulders to see the horde of lustful male demons encircle them.

The JLR:

Mysterious Male: Pick a .... wait, fuck this shit. Fused isn't controling the story anymore, so I can kill that gag. Speaking of killing...

The Myterious male gets out of the car. We can see that she, urm, he rather, is wearing a cool ass overcoat, a shirt that clings to his manly chest, and boots. Oh yeah, and he is wearing a witchbroom skirt.

JLR:

Mysterious Male: What? I was a woman when this started. Besides, you guys do know what a kilt is ?

JLR:

Mysterious Male: Forget it. morons

She-Chant: GET THEM! GET THEM! GET THEM! etc

The postal demons rush the JLR.

Mysterious Male: Say hello to my little friend.

JLR:

Mysterious Male: WOULD YOU ALL JUST CUT IT OUT! I MEANT MY GUN!

JLR:

Mysterious Male:

Mysterious Male opens his coat and pulls out two shiny new guns and proceeds to shoot the demons.

Sistah Wendnesday: Well ladies, are we going to stand around and let her, umm, him, ummm whoever, fight the demons alone?

JLR: Sounds like an idea yeah, okay etc...

Male Jade: Pitiful

Male Jade jumps out of the car. The JLR are horrified, because while she is goodlooking in her tight outfit as a girl, as a guy, errr, well...

Mysterious Male: ummm, dude.-takes off jacket, tosses it to Male Jade-Put this on. I BEG of you. At least my skirt is loose fitting. Next person to make a face will get it blown off. With my GUNS!!!

JLR:

She-Chant: GET THEM! GET THEM! GET THEM! etc

Male Jade joins the fight, aiming at Chant, but hitting a postal demon.

Mysterious Male: Why are you aiming at Chant?

Male Jade: I'm a bad shot, so I figure if I aim at Chant, I'll hit a demon.

Mysterious Male: Makes perfect sense.

This plan works, surprisingly, and while Male Jade shoots his star power at She-Chant, Kaz hits the demons with his amazing human-like powers (i.e. punching and kicking them). Pi appears, looks bored, snaps his fingers, and makes Darren strong. Darren joins in, and between the four of them, they subdue the demons.


She-Chant: GET THEM! GET THEM! GET THEM!

click

Msyterious Male puts a gun to She-Chant's ear.

Mysterious Male: Shut up. NOW.

She-Chant: I'll be good.

***

She-Chant is bound and gagged with a myriad of silk scarves on top of the Cutlass. Mysterious Male is fixing the WMC gun. The JLR stare at their new breasts, proving that if the energy that men put into staring at breast went to space travel, we would be running hotdog stands on the moon. Kaz, Darren, Pi, and Male Jade play a cardgame known as bullshit. Larry leave the DQ so that he can escape the madness.

She-Chant: (to Mysterious Male) Hmmm, you know, you aren't bad at this kind of stuff. Become my minion?

Mysterious Male: Sorry, not interested.

She-Chant: Why not?

Mysterious Male: Because I would be berated, and if I made a mistake, you would kill me?

She-Chant: Good point.

Mysterious Male: Okay, it should work now.

Mysterious Male tosses the gun to Kaz.

Mysterious Male: Please shoot this gun. I would really like to be female now.

JLR: (this is a change. The Mysterious (fe)Male is not being a world class bitch.

Mysterious Male: It will all be explained in the next JLR.

Wendnesday: Could you please stop picking at the forth wall? It is fragile as is.

Mysterious Male: Okies

Kaz prepares to shoot.

JLR (and Chant) : WAIT!!!!

Kaz: What?

JLR (and Chant) : we want to say something first.

Kaz: What's that?

JLR (and Chant) : Goodbye boobs, we'll miss you.

Mysterious Male: Okay, that's enough. Shoot the gun.

The gun shoots, and everyone is back to normal.

Chant uses the oppotunity his returned body provided to escape the scarves.

Chant: I'll be back! Mark my words! I'll be back! One Dilly bar, please.

He takes it, and then gets into his teleporter and leaves.

Mysterious Female: Well, alls well that ends well.

The Time Trust: Wait! There is still the matter of...

Stupid D0gg: Brit being a zombie, Spandex Monkey Man being powerless, and that salsa being uneaten. Not to mention Chant escaped.

The Time Trust: Thats it! You have stolen my lines for the LAST ...

Stupid D0gg: Time?

The Time Trust and D0gg fight.

Wendnesday: They do have a point, you know.

Mysterious Female: Did you hear him? That is his villany for the day. Now it is time for him to go home, lick his wounds, and plot against you for next time. Besides, you are not supposed to meet me for until the next chapter, where my story comes in. I have interfered enough.

Wednesday: Well, at least fix the zombie thing. He's smells all that be damned.

Zombritannica: UUUuuhhhhHhHhrrrRrrrrrrrrrr! ! ! ! !!! ! (hey, to quote you, words hurt too, you know )

Mysterious Female: Okay.

The Mysterious Female zapps the Zombie Britannica with a forrest green light with her left pointer finger, and SMM with a silver light coming out of the other pointer finger. Britannica is back to normal and SMM gets his powers back.

Mysterious Female: Okay, I'm off.

JLR: WAIT!

Mysterious Female: What NOW?

Brittanica: Can we get a ride?

Mysterious Female: What do I look like? A taxi?

JLR:

Mysterious Female: Okay, same seats as last time. I'm Baaaaack! (they all do a double take, and then try to climb in the car) Minds not bodies.

Wendnesday, MS 2.0, and the other who rode on the roof of the car:

Mysterious Female: Let's go!

Drives through one of the many holes in the DQ.

***
They arrive near the farm house.

Mysterious Female: Okay, got to go. Another JLR Episode is just around the corner for me. You guys can wrap the rest of the story up without me, right? Right. Well, gotta bougie.

(Drives off)