RKMBs Forums .::Important::. RDCW Tuesday Night Havoc 12/14/04

*Show opens with a photo montage of King Snarf defeating TK-069 for the Big Cheese title last week. We hear Mike Monroe's voice.

Monroe: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Big Cheese Champion, and I regret to inform you that his name is King Snarf!"

Madman Marcum: "Regret? King Snarf is already the best champ we've ever had!"

Fat Retard: "SLOBBERKNOCKER! BUHGAWD! That's how you call a match, Tony!"

Monroe & Marcum: "Tony?!"

Monroe: "Tonight, fans, we have a fifteen man battle royal! The last two men in the ring will face Chris Oakley in a triple threat match at this month's pay perview!"

Marcum: "That's Intercuntental and NEW Hardcore Porn champ Chris Oakley, Monroe! Get it right! The first fall will be for the Hardcore Porn belt, and the second fall will be for the IC belt!"

Monroe: "Also, we hope to hear from the man responsible for that match's outcome, Joe Mama!"

Marcum: "No doubt, he'll be joining the Bastardo Family tonight as they celebrate the new champs at Snarf Appreciation Night!"

Monroe: "Snarf will face Rex tonight in a non title match! He'd better not party too much!"

Marcum: "Rex?! Who's Rex beaten?"

Monroe: "Captain Sammitch, beaten last week, but undeterred, will step into a steel cage to take on Two-Ton Tommy, Nuriko's bodyguard in our main event!"

Marcum: "Sammitch better bring some serious backup for this one!"

Fifteen Man Battle Royal single choice

Chewy Walrus (17%, 3 Votes)

Wednesday (17%, 3 Votes)

Bibbo (33%, 6 Votes)

Backwards7 (0%, 0 Votes)

Stupid Dogg (6%, 1 Votes)

Ultimate Jaburg (0%, 0 Votes)

LLance (6%, 1 Votes)

Winged Creature (11%, 2 Votes)

PJP (0%, 0 Votes)

Pariah (0%, 0 Votes)

Dave (0%, 0 Votes)

Mxy (0%, 0 Votes)

MisterJLA (0%, 0 Votes)

Mr. Lesbo (0%, 0 Votes)

Urg (11%, 2 Votes)

Total Votes: 18 Voting on this poll ends: 2026-05-04 4:16 PM

Women's Match single choice

Nuriko (82%, 14 Votes)

Ursa (18%, 3 Votes)

Total Votes: 17 Voting on this poll ends: 2026-05-04 4:16 PM

Heavyweight Match Non Title single choice

King Snarf (50%, 9 Votes)

Rex (50%, 9 Votes)

Total Votes: 18 Voting on this poll ends: 2026-05-04 4:16 PM

Tag Match single choice

Notwedge/Cap. of Outer Space (75%, 12 Votes)

Zod/Non (25%, 4 Votes)

Total Votes: 16 Voting on this poll ends: 2026-05-04 4:16 PM

Steel Cage single choice

Captain Sammitch (88%, 15 Votes)

Two-Ton Tommy (12%, 2 Votes)

Total Votes: 17 Voting on this poll ends: 2026-05-04 4:16 PM

*In the ring, it looks like a massive party is ready to go. There is a red carpet rolled out to the entranceway, buffet tables filled with food, confetti and balloons streaming down, buckets full of chilled champagne, the works.

The Bastardo Family is standing around smiling and congratulating themselves. Nuriko, with her bodyguard, Two-Ton Tommy, Chris Oakley, the IC belt on on shoulder, the Hardcore belt on the other. Louie Bastardo, looking resplendant in a purple tuxedo, brandishes a microphone.

"Did we tell you, or did we tell you, huh?" *He gestures at Chris, holding his belts up. "I told you Chris Oakley was the toughest man in the RDCW, and how he is not only the IC champion, but also the Hardcore Porn champ!"

*Crowd booes heartily. Some people chant PenWing's name. "Call his name all you want, he's on the shelf, he's done. He ain't comin' back."

*Crowd really starts to boo now.

"And later tonight, the lovely Nuriko, prettiest of all RDCW Hotties, will destroy that Kryptonian slut, Ursa!" *Bastardo looks at Nuriko, who smiles and bows a bit, showing off her new kimono. Tommy claps.

"And then, in the main event, the big guy, Two-Ton Tommy, will teach that upstart pipsqueak, Captain Sammitch, a lesson!" *Crowd chants "Sam-mitch! Sam-mitch!" as Tommy gives them the finger.

"But right now. . .it's not about that. Right now, the Bastardo Family is gathered here in celebration of one man. That's right. He is YOUR World Heavyweight Cheese Champion, the Big Cheese, the Pharoah of Funk, and the Soveriegn Ruler of Groove. . .KING SNARF!!!!!!!!!!!"

*Louie points the entrance way as. . .

*Everclear's "When it All Goes Wrong Again" hits the speakers as King Snarf, belt proudly around his waist, makes his way down to the ring! Confetti and balloons start to fall from the rafters, as the crowd boos loudly. Oblivious, Snarf smiles and waves as the Bastardo family claps loudly. King Snarf enters the ring and takes a mic....*

Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I am proud to stand before you as the NEW BIG CHEESE CHAMPION! *crowd boos* This a very special day for me, and I have some people I'd like to thank. First and foremost, I'd like to thank Louie Bastardo. Now, I have a father, but if I didn't, Louie would certainly be like the father I never had.

Monroe: What? That doesn't make a lick of sense!

Next, I would like to thank my associates, Chris Oakley and Nuriko, who have stood by me. I'd also like to thank Madman Marcum, for calling it like it is!

And finally, I'd like to thank you. The fans. *Crowd grows silent* You see, I won this belt to spite each and every one of you! *Boos* Were it not for the animosity you've shown me, and were it not for the contempt I feel for all of you, I wouldn't be standing here today as your Big Cheese Champion!

But enough of the mushy stuff! Let's party!

*The Bastardo family cracks the champagne as "Celebrate" blares over the speakers. The crowd boos loudly as King Snarf does a really awkward dance to the music....*

Chris gulps down a mouthful of champagne,then picks up the mic and turns to address the crowd.

I don't know if I can be as eloquent as Snarf or Louie here,but I'm damn sure gonna try!

Crowd starts to chant "Loser!Loser!"

Wanna bet?Now,as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,I want to thank Louie for giving me the boost I needed to climb up the RDCW ladder...and to congratulate King Snarf on becoming the new RDCW world heavyweight champion!

An avalanche of boos and paper cups starts to descend on the ring.

SHUT THE HELL UP!Where was I?Oh yeah....My victory over Captain Sammitch and Snarf's win over TK-069 on last week's "Havoc" proves beyond a doubt that the Bastardo Family rules RDCW! Points to Nuriko And Nuriko's going to furnish further proof when she becomes the next RDCW women's champion!

More boos,more paper cups.

As for the battle royal,here's hoping that the last two guys left in the ring when it's over have their medical insurance paid in full,because they'll need every penny of it by the time I'm done with 'em...and by the way,JOKE Mama,if you think for one second I'm even thinking about throwing any matches,you're even stupider than most people believe--and most people believe you're the stupidest guy alive!

Chris and the rest of the Bastardo Family laugh;some of the fans at ringside flip them the bird,and Two-Ton Tommy flips it right back,yelling "Bitch!" to a girl wearing a Stareena T-shirt.

And after I successfully retain BOTH my titles at the RDCW December pay-per-view,I'm going to give Cabin Boy Sammitch a lesson in ass-kicking he'll never...

Joe Mama's entrance music abruptly cuts Chris off in mid-sentence;a minute or so later JM himself shows up and slowly makes his way down the aisle.The rest of the Bastardo Family watches cautiously as JM climbs into the ring and confronts Chris face-to-face.Chris gives Joe an "I'm gonna kill this bastard" glare.

Who the hell do you think you are,Jerk Mama?

Joe Mama makes his way to the ring (mic and bat in hand), his "entrance music" blaring over the speakers. He pauses, visibly annoyed.

JM: CUT. THE. MUSIC.

"Township Rebellion" abruptly stops.

The Eurotrash Champion continues to the ring. As he steps in, Louie Bastardo puts a hand on Chris Oakley's shoulder, as if to keep him from attacking. Nuriko and King Snarf don't move, but "Two-Ton" Tommy steps into Joe Mama's path. He looks up at the giant.

JM: I'm not on crutches. I don't have my back turned. And I have no qualms about stomping you before Sammitch gets his chance. Go guard Nuriko's body.

The big man stays in place for a moment, clenching his fists. The cracking of his knuckles is audible, even in the "cheap seats". But then he moves alongside Nuriko. Joe Mama walks towards Chris, stopping a couple of feet in front of him. He points the head of the bat at a snarling, sneering Chris Oakley.

JM: And YOU had best wipe that look off your face before I see just how far I can separate it from the rest of you. Boy.

Chris Oakley can barely contain his anger. Louie whispers something to him, and that seems to help the situation.

JM: Let's get one thing straight. The only reason you hold the Hardcore Porn and the Inter-Cunt-Inental Titles is because your opponent, Captain Sammitch thought grandstanding was more important than winning gold. Rather than climb two ladders and win two titles, Captain Sammitch wanted to do some high-flying crap on you. And that's why he took a pounding from your's truly.

You see, Sammitch has a habit of thinking he's bigger and better than everyone else. He didn't want to listen to me when we discussed strategy before Conniver Series. He didn't want to listen to me during Conniver Series. What he wanted to do was be the big hero, and the rookie mistakes that he and his partner made cost me and Son Of Mxy (the Second Generation Superstar) our victory and our "favors". So when he shot his mouth off at last week's Havoc, then continued his selfish, reckless ways in his match...well, it was time to teach him a lesson.

Now, you and King Snarf won the Conniver Series match. I don't take that away from you. Your manager, as much as I hate to admit it, did a great job of planning. And your team did a great job of executing that plan. But don't think for a minute, Chris, that your team's victory somehow makes you and I equals. Those belts are on your shoulders because I allow it, Chris. I made you champion, Chris, and I can take your titles away at any time. Ask your pal, King Snarf, what I'm capable of.

You are, not matter how much you pretend otherwise, a pale copy of me. And you aren't fit to hand-wash my jockstrap.

Chris Oakley's face is a mask of hatred and rage. He moves to attack Joe Mama, but Louie Bastardo catches him in time. "Let it go," he says to Chris. "Celebrate tonight. Revenge later." Joe Mama cocks an eyebrow and grins at Chris.

JM: Enjoy your party, Chris. Be seeing you.

Joe Mama gets out of the ring and drops his mic onto Monroe and Marcum's announce table. Then he turns to Chris, who is at the ropes, seething, and waves.

As Joe Mama leaves the arena the Bastardo family try to contain Oakleys anger but he pushes them away pointing towards the entrance way shouting obscenities.

Suddenly a rope drops from the rafters in the middle of the ring & the blacked garbed mystery man slides down baseball bat in hand.

The Bastardos look shocked but before they can react Tommy is hit in the gut with the baseball bat knocking him backwards into Nuriko who flies between the middle ropes landing in the floor outside the ring.

Snarf runs towards the mystery man but finds himself on the recieving end of a a rather vicious spinebuster.

Oakley & Louie look on amazed until Chris jumps into action and runs towards the mystery man.
Just like Snarf he is quickly despatched with an irish whip into the ropes followed by a swinging neckbreaker.

Louie by this time realised retreat was his best option & began backing towards the ropes,but the mystery man turns and wags his finger as if to say "No".
Louie starts to move quicker but is too late to stop a clothesline from hell knocking him over the top rope.

Tommy is up first & runs at the mystery man but finds himself flying over the top rope for his trouble.

Snarf & Oakley are back up and decide a double team is in order & start pounding on the mystery man.
Things start to look up for the Bastardos when they go for a double team suplex,but its reversed into a double DDT.

Mystery man picks up a dazed Oakley first & throws him over the top rope with a rather forceful irish whip.

Finally Snarf starts to rise to his feet and stumbles towards his attacker who quickly hoists the champ above his head for a gorilla press & throws him over the top rope onto the rest of the Bastardo family.

Nuriko,Tommy & Louie help Snarf & Oakley to their feet but as they look up to the ring the mystery man has gone.

FR:"Buh gawd Queen,all hell is breaking loose here!"

LL:"All those boys in one ring.......I've died & gone to heaven!"

FR:"Its a slobberknocker buh gawd!"

LL:"I'm definetley slobbering!"

FR:"Who thu hell is this Mystery man?"

LL:"And how big is....."

FR:"Dont say it!"

FR:"Drop toe hold!"

After a short commercial break,we come back to find Chris standing on his feet--albeit just barely--outside the ring,glaring down the aisle in a homicidal rage.Before any of the other Bastardo Family members can stop him,he takes off towards the locker room area,bat in hand.

You're dead,Joe Mama!(Smashes in spotlight)YOU HEAR ME?!!!YOU'RE DEAD!!!(Puts huge dent in Son of Mxy's locker room door)AND MYSTERY MAN'S ASS IS NEXT!(Shoves backwards7 out of his way)I WANT BLOOD AND I WANT IT NOW!!!

Okay, folks, it's time for "Play-By-Play: Speed-Round". I was in New Hampshire longer than I meant to be this weekend, so I'll do this relatively quickly:

Fifteen-Man Battle Royale

The match started with only seven men in the ring. It would be discovered, after the fact, that someone blocked one of the locker-room doors with a large cabinet and an old IROC. Stupid Dogg went over the top rope when LLance decided to "make love, not war...especially with that Sexy Dogg!" URG eliminated LLance ("URG am not no faggot! URG am all man!!!") and Winged Creature, before a successful double team by Chewy Walrus and Wednesday put the caveman over the ropes and out of the match. Not happy with the results, URG climbed back into the ring and delivered a beating to the two competitors that could not be shown on Prime-Time TV.

Monroe: I have never seen a wrestler brutalize his opponents in such a gory, disgusting fashion! It'll be a miracle if those two ever wrestle again!

Madman (into trash bucket): BLEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Upon returning from commercials, Bibbo was ruled the winner as the only person to survive the match. The GM will have to make a ruling about Wednesday and Chewy Walrus at next week's Havoc.


Nuriko vs Ursa

The rogue Kryptonian was no match for the Bastardo Family's female member. Throughout the match, Ursa kept calling for "ZOD!!!" as Nuriko employed her martial arts prowess and high-risk maneuvers to soften Ursa up for the "Hiroshima Mamma" and the win.


Heavyweight Match (Non-Title)

What should've been a quick tune-up match for King Snarf turned out to be quite exciting for the fans. The two competitors put on a hell of a show, using both brawling and technical wrestling to gain the edge over their opponent. King Snarf locked in the headlock mid-way through the match, but Rex was able to grab the rope and break the hold. Later, King Snarf fell victim to the "Oedipus Rex" (Pedigree) and it looked like Rex would win the match. But King Snarf was able to muster up the energy to kick out of the pin.

That's when all hell broke loose.

Both the Bastardo faction AND the Oakley clan arrived ringside. A fight started outside the ring that security had to be brought in to break up. But in the chaos, both Louie Bastardo and Christine Oakley slid into the ring. Louie was caught delivering a chair shot to Rex, and Christine was caught using her "Real Cubic Zirconium Diamond Weddin' Ring" as a weapon against King Snarf. The match was declared a draw due to outside interference.

Fat Retard: I can't believe it, buh-GAWD! Whatta SLOBBERKNOCKER! Rex has definitely shown he's a Heavyweight contender!

LLawler: Y'think he and Christine would do a three-way?

Fat Retard: Government Mule!


NotWedge/COO vs ZOD/Non

These rogue Kryptonians fared no better against the Captain and NotWedge than Ursa did against Nuriko. ZOD was left alone to face off against the pair while Non stayed in his corner (and on his knees). By the end of the match, even the crowd was chanting "KNEEL!" as the Captain delivered the Space Shot for the win.


Cage Match: Tommy vs Captain Sammitch

As the cage came down, Sammitch made his way to the ring alone and stood in the center, waiting for his opponent to arrive. "Two-Ton" Tommy showed no signs of wear from his beating by Mystery Man earlier as he made his way with Nuriko to the caged ring. As the cage door closed, Sammitch unleashed a fury of punches and kicks on the man who incapacitated his tag team partner. Tommy was able to get a few punches and cheap shots in, but Sammitch was a man possessed. Somehow, he was able to lift Tommy and delivered a series of Sammitch Suplexes that slowed down the big man. Captain Sammitch climbed to the top rope and delivered a leg drop to his fallen foe. Then he locked Tommy into the Sammitch Submission and held it for a few minutes until Tommy's screams faded and he passed out.

Madman: What's Sammitch doing? You can't win a Cage Match by submission!

Monroe: He's sending a message to the Bastardo Family and Joe Mama! That's what he's doing!

Madman: Grandstanding again! What's next, is he gonna throw Tommmy out of the ring???

After making sure that Tommy was unconscious, and delivering a few kicks for good measure, Captain Sammitch walked to the cage door and demanded that it be opened. Eyes locked on Nuriko, Captain Sammitch walked out of the cage and down the ring steps, winning the match.