or
I would have preferred chocolate,
but all I got was this lousy superhero Christmas story...
or
Who is this Christmas Eve? And can I get her number?
'Twas two days before Christmas
the elves made the toys
throughout Santa's shop,
for the good girls and boys.
Others were packing
more toys on the sleigh,
getting everything ready
for that big special day...
Except Hollie.
She was doing a special errand for Kandy Kane (Santa's P.A.). It was her job to deliver an urgent memo to Santa.
"Have you seen the Big S?" Hollie asked a group of elderly elves packing My Little Talking/Walking/Pooping Barbie Q Dolls (TM) into Santa's sack.
"The Big S?" cried the bunch of elderly elves.
"S-A-N-T-A," Hollie spelled.
"That's the problem with the youth of today," bemoaned one of the elves, "no respect."
"It's amazing half these kids get anything at all for Christmas," agreed another.
Having heard this guff all before, Hollie crossed her arms and waited for the tirade of moaning to finish:
The kids of yesteryear used to be happy with just hoops and bits of string, but the brats of today want the latest whiz-bang entertainment and telecommunications devices, the most expensive brand name toys and clothes, blah, blah, blah...
Hollie’s foot tapped irritably.
...The children used to be so respectful, saying please and thank you. The punks of today backchat at the supermarkets and try to pull on the Santa's Helper's beard to see if it's real.
The old elves sighed.
Finally, a break! "So have you seen him?"
"Who?"
Hollie counted to 10. "S-A-N-T-A."
"No."
"Gee, thanks..."
"You're welcome, young lady," replied one of the elderly elves, clearly impressed by the unusual display of manners from the younger generation.
"...for nothing!" finished Hollie as she left the flabbergasted elves behind her.
Hollie’s frown turned upside down as she approached her young friend busily licking a patch of snow. "Hey, Rudy!"
"Hey, Hollie!" greeted Rudolph (the red-nosed reindeer). "How's it hanging'?"
"By the fireplace." Hollie gave Rudolph a wink with her stock-standard reply.
"Wassup?" Rudolph asked his young elvin friend after they finally finished laughing inanely at their own in-joke.
"Seen the Big S?"
"Um.... don't think so," replied the red-nosed reindeer with a shrug. "And you know Santa hates being called that."
Hollie ignored him. "Darn it! Kane wants me to deliver this memo to him..."
"Must be important," said Rudolph. "Have your tried Mrs. C?"
"Next stop! Wanna hang?"
"Cool."
So Rudolph joined Hollie in her search for the Big... um... Santa, and soon they reached the house of Claus.
"Sorry, dears, I haven't seen Kris all day," said Mrs. Claus. "I suspect he and the deer are doing their pre-Christmas warm-ups. We wouldn't want any accidents like 1958, when Blitzen pulled a hammy."
"Why didn't we think of that?" Hollie berated herself.
"Why wasn't I asked to warm up too?" asked Rudolph, clearly hurt.
"I suspect it's not going to be a foggy Christmas Eve," suggested Mrs. Claus.
"I bet it's that Dasher," grumbled Rudolph. "He’s had it in for me ever since I guided the sleigh that night."
"Come on, Rudy, let’s go and get this memo to the Big--" Hollie sheepishly looked at Mrs. Claus. "Um... Santa."
******
"What do ya mean you haven't seen Santa? You're obviously doing the pre-Christmas warm-ups!" Rudolph demanded, clearly still hurt.
"Sorry, kiddo," Comet apologized. "We waited, but Dasher suggested we start without Santa."
"And why wasn't I invited?" Rudolph's nose glowed and angry, bright red.
"Jeez, kid, turn it down!" cried the older reindeer, covering her eyes with her hooves. "We thought you had been."
Rudolph started trotting towards Dasher, mumbling something about the spirit of giving.
"Wait!" shouted Hollie. "We don't have time for this. I've still got to give this memo to Santa."
Rudolph pointed out that no one had seen him.
"Let's go back to Kandy. Maybe she knows where Santa is."
However...
"What do you mean you haven't seen Santa!?!" roared Kandy Kane, a tall blonde elf (very much like Cate Blanchett).
"Where'd that wind and lightning come from?" asked Rudolph looking around.
Kandy's features turned from angelic to demonic. Her voice changed from melodic to deep and booming. "Can't I trust you with a simple task, Hollie? That memo's urgent. It's the report from the North Pole Weather Station. They're predicting extremely heavy fog and I'm asking Santa to include Rudolph in the pre-Christmas warm-ups."
"I new it!" cursed Rudolph.
"Rudolph? There you are." Kandy instantly transformed back into her beautiful serine self. She smiled sweetly at the reindeer, brushing back stray hair behind her pointy ears. "But why are you here? Why aren't you at the pre-Christmas warm-ups?"
"Because, I just found out about them."
"Well, run along and join Santa and the rest of the reindeer. We don't want any accidents like 1958..."
"When Blitzen pulled a hammy," intoned Hollie and Rudolph, like a well-rehearsed chorus.
"But that's just it." continued Hollie, obviously exasperated. "Nobody's seen Santa."
"What do you mean, nobody's seen Santa?"
"Nobody's seen Santa."
"Nobody's seen Santa?"
"No. They have not."
"Not the elderly elves in the sleigh loading dock?"
"Nope."
"Not the deer?"
"Nope."
"Not Mrs. Claus?"
"Nope."
"Not even...?"
"Nope."
"Then where is he?" asked a panic-stricken Kandy Kane.
"I was hoping you could tell me," replied Hollie.
"This is terrible. We're only one day out from the biggest night of the year, and Santa's gone missing!"
"I'm sure he's around somewhere," suggested Rudolph.
"We can't let the rest of the staff know about this," stressed Kandy, grabbing the elf and the reindeer by the shoulders.
"Why not?"
"Standard Human Resource procedure," replied Kandy. "You two, go back to Mrs. Claus. See if he’s turned back up at the house." She lifted Santa’s weighty diary and opened it to the page marked 23rd December.
"What are you doing?” Rudolph asked.
"I'm checking Santa's movements to-- Wha!?!" The diary dropped from Kandy’s trembling hands to the floor.
Hollie gulped as she watched the fear etch across Kandy’s face. "What's wrong?"
"T-t-there's no entry..."
"What do you mean there's no entry?"
"She means there is nothing written in the diary." Rudolph stared at the open diary on the floor. "It's a blank page."
"B-b-but that can't be. This time of year his diary is full of appointments. I write them in myself," cried Kandy.
Rudolph gave a gasp. "It's worse."
"How can it be worse?" Kandy and Hollie asked in unison.
The little deer looked up from the book worriedly, "There's no entry for December 25 either. In fact according to this diary, it's not even Christmas!"
