Inter-Cunt-Inental Title - Fenway Street Fight: Joe Mama vs Chris Oakley

The ring is set up to look like Fenway Park. All around the ring are various items seen in Boston, particularly in the area around the stadium. No music plays as Joe Mama walks down the ramp, sports bag under his arm, amid cheers from the crowd. He’s wearing a Red Sox jersey (#26), with a black T-shirt underneath, blue jeans, and steel-toed boots. As he makes it ringside, he unzips the bag, pulls something out, and then slides the bag under the ring. He enters the ring, shielding the object from view, and stands (noticeably) alone.

Monroe: I didn’t see what he pulled out of the bag, Marcum…what’s he got in store for the Inter-Cunt-Inental Champion?

Madman: The better question is, “Where is this “Mystery Friend” that he was talking about? I think he lied about the whole thing! It was a bluff all along!!!

Monroe: Unless his ally in hiding in the crowd, that is…

Madman: …

“Rooster” blasts over the speakers and Chris Oakley, with Louie Bastardo in tow, steps out from the back. He’s wearing a Boston Police SWAT Team cap, a T-shirt (reading “Bastardo Family 4 Life”), blue jeans, and combat boots. Seeing his opponent standing alone, Chris Oakley takes his sweet time getting to the ring, a big smile on his face. At one point he pauses, then re-enacts Carlton Fisk’s home run swing from the 1975 World Series, using the Inter-Cunt-Inental belt as the “bat”. Joe Mama nods, then makes the “safe” sign with his arms. “Rooster” abruptly stops playing. Then, when Joe Mama makes the “out” sign with his right hand, Ben Harper’s “Faded” starts up and the crowd goes wild. Joe Mama takes off his Red Sox jersey and tosses it to the crowd – upon his black T-shirt, written in red, are the words “The Future Of Hardcore…” 3/9/2004”.

Madman: Oh, no. No, no, no. This is not good!

Monroe: Joe Mama has truly gone back to his roots! He’s just flipped the Champion off and is now daring him to get into the ring!

Madman: This match cannot happen! Louie Bastardo and Chris Oakley were tricked into this match! Someone call it off!!!

Monroe: Dammit, Marcum, this is the match that Chris and Louie made! This is THEIR match!

Madman: Oh God…I know what Joe’s got behind him! And I know who his “Mystery Friend” is! Someone get Chris out of this arena! Get Security!!!

Chris’ face is a mask of fury at having his thunder stolen and being mocked by the challenger. Louie tries to hold him back and give him directions, but Chris tears away from him, runs into the ring, and gets nose-to-nose with Joe Mama. Chris shouts, spittle flying, in Joe Mama’s face. Joe reacts calmly, repeating, “We don’t throw at .260 hitters”. Then, all of a sudden, Joe’s left hand, encased in a catcher’s mitt, flies out from behind him and the mitt slams into the Inter-Cunt-Inental Champion’s face. Joe half-pushes, half-throws Chris to the ground, falling on him, as the bell rings. Immediately the brawl from last week’s Havoc is picked up, with the two trading punches and trying to get the upper hand.

Monroe: Shades of Varitek and A-Rod in the match’s opening!

Marcum: Joe may have the element of surprise in the beginning, but Chris is the Champ! And he’s got Louie Bastardo’s genius to back him up! I’m feeling better about this match already!!!

The pair falls out of the ring. Chris Oakley is the first to his feet, Boston Sunday Globe in his hands. As Joe Mama stands, he takes the thick weekend edition square in the jaw. He stumbles back, only to be forced to the floor again by a clothesline from Chris. Chris hits Joe again and again in the back of the head with the newspaper, then tosses it aside in favor of his bare knuckles. The Champion gets the Challenger to his feet, then tries to Irish-whip him into a ring-post, but Joe Mama reverses it, sends Chris Oakley into the metal pole, and then chop-blocks Chris’ knees as he bounces off the corner.

Madman: That’s not fair! Chop-blocks are illegal! The ref should call this match immediately in favor of the Champion!!!

Monroe: No chance! This is a Hardcore Rules Match…anything goes!

After landing several punches to Chris Oakley’s head and chest, Joe Mama drags his opponent to the ramp. Searching for something as he goes. His eyes settle on a single red, wooden chair, which he grabs and hits Chris across the back with. The crowd chants “Number Nine” at each shot until the chair shatters across the Champion’s back. Joe grabs Chris Oakley, but Chris delivers a low blow that drops Joe. Chris kicks Joe Mama in the head a few times, then runs to ringside, reaches under the apron, and draws out a rake.

Madman: Brilliant! I think I’m seeing shades of Bob Stanley here, with Joe Mama playing the part of the fans’ beach ball! Brilliant move by Chris Oakley!

Monroe: Folks, much as I hate to admit it, I think we’re about to see first blood, courtesy of the Bastardo Family!!!

Sure enough, Chris runs back, pulls the back of Joe’s shirt over his head, and drags the rake down his bare back. After several runs, the welts on Joe Mama’s back start bleeding, so Chris turns his attention to cutting open his opponent’s forehead. After getting the proper blood flow from his head Chris slaps the rake against Joe’s back wounds, eliciting screams from the Challenger. Chris Oakley drops the rake and drags Joe Mama up to an Italian Sausage stand, into which he slams Joe. The Inter-Cunt-Inental Champion lays his foe across the top of it, with his upper torso hanging down, then walks over to a hot dog cart and starts pushing it towards the sausage stand and the Challenger draped over it.

Monroe: My God! He’s going to slam the hot dog cart into Joe Mama! Chris is trying to end his opponent’s career!!!

Madman: Hardcore rules, Monroe! Anything goes!!!

As the hotdog cart thunders towards Joe Mama, Joe manages to move into a squat on top of the stand. Chris Oakley slams the hotdog cart into the sausage stand as Joe Mama executes a Flying Clothesline on him. The pair falls to the ramp. Joe starts grabbing random items to hit Chris with: a Boston Police bullhorn, a fungo bat, a batting helmet…after a few rounds with each, Joe Mama stands up, grabs a cup of Sam Adams beer from a fan, and pours it over Chris Oakley’s head. Joe makes his way up the ramp and to the back, a horrible grin on his face. Chris slowly gets to his feet. Louie Bastardo runs to his side, shouting instructions in his wrestler’s ear. The pair looks up the ramp as Joe Mama comes from the backstage area, carrying a replica of the 2004 World Series Trophy over his head. Chris and Louie run back to the ring, Joe (his face a grim mask of glee) at their heels. Chris slides into the ring and braces for Joe’s attack as Louie heads for the announcers’ table. Joe drops the trophy as he gets in the ring and the pair lock up.

Monroe: We may finally see this gore fest start resembling an actual match, folks.

Madman: Don’t bet on it, Monroe. Joe’s “Mystery Friend” has yet to reveal him…or, should I say, “HER”self!!!

A gut shot allows Chris to turn Joe Mama around and use his Full Metal Jacket on the Challenger. Chris Oakley turns to Louie Bastardo and screams “Get it! Get the trophy!” to him. Louie makes his way to where it was dropped as Chris climbs the ropes to set up either the Kill ‘Em All or WMD. As Joe Mama gets to his feet, Chris chooses the WMD. Unfortunately, Joe Mama turns it into a nasty DDT, using Chris’ own momentum to drive his head to the mat with a THUD!!! that echoes to the back of the Cheese-Dome. Joe tips-up to his feet, turns to look at Louie, who isn’t moving, and slides out of the ring. Joe Mama reaches under the ring and pulls out his sports bag, which he opens, roots through and pulls out…

Monroe: Oh NO! The Challenger has truly returned to his roots!

Madman: I knew it! Dammit, I KNEW it! He’s unleashed Loosie! His “Mystery Friend” is 33-inches and 30-ounces of barbed wire-wrapped Kentucky Ash!!! Someone save the Champion! LOUIE, DO SOMETHING!!!

Joe re-enters the ring, taking practice swings with the bat as he steps towards the fallen Champion, who is slowing getting to his hands and knees. Joe then pulls Chris’ shirt over his head and responds to the earlier attack, repeatedly hitting Chris’ bare back with Loosie. The blood comes quicker, and Joe starts dragging the barrel of the bat across Chris Oakley’s face, opening up his forehead and letting the blood flow. Joe steps back to admire his work, tossing Loosie aside, as Chris desperately crawls to the ropes and his manager. But Louie’s expression has changed from fear to excitement and, as Chris tries to pull himself out of the ring…

Madman: Holy shit! What has Louie Bastardo done to his wrestler?!?

Monroe: You saw it! Louie Bastardo just hit Chris Oakley with that World Series Trophy! Louie has turned on the man he considered “like a son”! Joe Mama has joined the Bastardo Family!

Madman: But…but…but…

Monroe: This is disgusting! How long has this been in the works? And what will this mean for the Rumble and the RDCW???

Madman: Louie Bastardo. Is. A GENIUS!!! He’s completely changed the face of his Family and this whole damn promotion!

Louie gets in the ring as the crowd howls in rage. He and Joe Mama stand facing each other, smiling, then shake hands. Louie points to the unconscious Chris Oakley and Joe Mama nods, reaching for Loosie and handing it to Louie. Louie hits Chris again and again, screaming, “You were like a son to me! We could’ve made you a legend! You forced this on us! You made your decision, you traitor!!!” Finally, Joe Mama stops his manager and takes the bat out of his hands. Then he picks Chris Oakley up off the rope, sets him up, and delivers the East Coast Hammer, driving Chris’ head into the mat again. This time, Chris leaves a wet, red mark. Joe admires his handiwork for a second, amid the boos and jeers from the crowd, and then climbs to the top ropes and hits a Flying Tea Bag Slam on the unconscious Champion. Louie motions to the ref to make the count and Joe Mama is the new Inter-Cunt-Inental Champion!!!

Monroe: Listen to the crowd! No one’s ever been hated this much! Joe Mama’s turned his back on these fans, his friends, and this whole damn promotion!

Madman: Not at all, Monroe! He’s just following the mind and the money! It’s obvious that this has been in the works for some time!

Monroe: Chris Oakley didn’t deserve this! Even with the in fighting between him and King Snarf, he deserved better than this!

Madman: Bullshit! Louie’s right – Chris was given a choice! He made his decision. This is how the Bastardo Family deals with traitors!

Monroe: But what does this mean for the rest of the Bastardo Family? How does this revelation affect their spot in Louie’s Family???