Hardcore Porn Number One Contenders Match: Five-Man Table Royale

The crowd cheers as "Rock And Roll Part 2" blasts over the speakers and PenWing walks to the ramp, the Hardcore Porn Belt around his waist, and his Sherwood raised in his left hand. He makes his way to the ring and inspects each table before having a short conversation with the referee. The referee nods and PenWing walks over to the announce table, placing the title belt and his Sherwood on top of the table before taking a seat between Monroe and Marcum and putting on a headset.

Marcum: I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome PenWing to the announce table for the match tonight. I'm actually surprised to see you here tonight, on your night off.

Monroe: How could he take the night off with Joe Mama openly seducing his teammate, Sneaky Bunny?

Marcum: He's not seducing her. He's just wishing her a happy Valentine's Day. I did the same thing for all of the female wrestlers.

PenWing: Yes you did, Madman. That reminds me, Meeko wanted me to give this back to you. (PenWing gives Marcum a gift certificate for Victoria’s Secret) She said you need it more than she does.

Monroe: Speaking of Joe Mama, how do you feel about his attempt to seduce Sneaky Bunny?

PenWing: Joe used to be very close with Sneaky, especially when she first came to the RDCW. I think he's jealous that she chose to join up with Meeko and remain a Midwest Hottie after he switched his allegiance to the Bastardo Family. He can say what he wants, but Sneaky has found success, and she has the support of people who will never turn their backs on her.

Marcum: But what about a title shot? Will Meeko give her a shot at the Women's Boobie Belt?

PenWing: All Sneaky has to do is ask. She knows that.

"Bring the Pain!" by Method Man hits and Wednesday makes his way to the ring carrying his lead pipe.

Marcum: Here comes the first contestant. PenWing, why did you invite Wednesday to compete in this match after barely beating him at the Rumble?

PenWing: Put simply, Madman, he's the former champ, and he deserves a chance to face me.

"Action" by Sweet starts up just as Wednesday gets to the top of the ring stairs, and James Fantastic comes running down the ramp, guitar in hand. Wednesday turns around as James swings his guitar, knocking Wednesday off of the stairs and onto the ground.

Monroe: The One and Only James Fantastic! Wednesday's got his hands full now!

Marcum: It won't do James any good if he doesn't get Wednesday into the ring! This is a Table Royale, not a falls-count-anywhere! In fact, there is no count!

"Wild Boys" blasts over the speakers and Charlie runs down the ramp. He picks up Wednesday's pipe and smacks James over the head. He then helps Wednesday back to his feet and slides him into the ring.

PenWing: Finally, someone figured out how this match works.

As Charlie helps James into the ring, Bob Seger's "Shakedown" plays over the speakers, and Stupid Dogg makes his way down the ramp. Charlie enters the ring, but as he gets to his feet, Wednesday grabs his arm and Irish Whips him into the corner. He runs towards him, but James trips Wednesday in the middle of the ring. As James gets to his feet, SD runs at him with a clotheline, knocking him right back down.

"Creeping Death" by Metallica plays, and everyone in the ring stops, but Nowhereman is nowhere to be seen.

Marcum: Where is he? Don't tell me he chickened out!

Just then, one of the fire doors breaks open as Nowhereman rides into the arena on his bike. The crowd cheers as makes his way to ring. He parks his bike and slowly walks around the ring, carefully examining each table. He then slowly walks up the steps and enters the ring. The other wrestlers surround NM.

Monroe: As you can clearly see, Nowhereman has a flair for the dramatic!

Marcum: He's about to have flair up his ass!

A bat slides down each of NM's sleeves, and he quickly moves to attack Wednesday, knocking him down with The Fucking Cuntline. SD then grabs NM and runs him into the corner, and Charlie catches James with Kapitalizm. SD starts beating NM with a series of punches in the corner.

Monroe: He's giving him Rabies!

Charlie tries to set James up for Big Business, but Wednesday, back on his feet, knocks him into the ropes with a standing drop kick. He then runs at him, flipping him over the ropes with a clothesline. Charlie somehow lands on the ring apron, but Wednesday finishes him off with a Super Kick, sending him right through the first table!

Monroe: See you next Tuesday, Charlie! The Company is oh for two tonight!

As Wednesday turns around, James grabs his legs and sends him over the ropes and out of the ring. He then picks up one of NM's bats and nails SD on the back. SD falls over, and the now free NM executes a Cunt-Fu kick on James, sending him hard to the mat. NM grabs SD's hair and drags him to the ropes. He then lifts SD up and sends him over the ropes and through the table with a Fuck Off Slam.

Monroe: Only three contestants left!

NM walks over to James and grabs his hair, dragging him over the other side of the ring. He lifts James up, but James kicks NM with a low blow, and NM releases his hold. James then climbs the corner ropes and nails NM with the Super-Cool. By this time, Wednesday climbs back into the ring. He picks up a loose bat and runs at James, knocking him down. Wednesday then picks James up and caries him to the ropes by one of the two remaining tables. However, before Wednesday can toss James over, NM gets back to his feet and takes out Wednesday with a neck-breaker. James manages to get off the ropes, but NM kicks him in the stomach and eliminates him with The Poof Smasher, right through the table.

As Nowhereman looks on, Joe Mama comes out of the crowd and goes straight for James, mocking him about shooting his mouth off and having to earn a title shot, smacking him around, and dragging him into the crowd to continue the beating.

Monroe: What is Joe Mama doing here?

Marcum: He’s teaching James Fantastic a valuable lesson! You don’t mouth off about the Bastardo Family!

Monroe: But this is a match!

PenWing: Joe’s not interfering, and James can take care of himself. He is the “One And Only.”

Monroe: Yes he is!

Marcum: Well, it’s only Nowhereman and Wednesday now, and Wednesday is still down! This is Nowhereman's match to lose!

Monroe: What the hell? Why is Winged Creature running down the ramp?

Distracted by Joe Mama's attack on James, Nowhereman doesn't notice Winged Creature climbing the corner ropes and Stupid Dogg getting back into the ring, as walks towards Wednesday. Simultaneously, Stupid Dogg executes a running baseball slide at Nowhereman's legs while WC hits him with a flying drop kick to the chest.

Marcum: They're Taking Out The Trash!

PenWing: That's blatant interference! Excuse me, gentlemen.

PenWing stands up, takes off his headset, grabs his Sherwood, and runs to the ring. He slides in and shatters his stick with a British Columbia Two-Hander to SD's back, sending him down hard to the mat. Winged creature takes a run at PenWing, but he's nailed with a Spin-o-Rama. PenWing walks over to SD and rolls him out of the ring. PenWing walks over to WC, and rolls him under the ropes and right onto the last table. With the crowd roaring, PenWing climbs the corner ropes and hits WC with The High Holy Howe, right through the table.

Monroe: PenWing decimated Winged Creature!

Marcum: The knucklehead just took out the last table! Now how is this match going to be resolved?!?

Not caring about the lack of a table outside the ring, Wednesday climbs the ropes and hits NM with Seven Days. He then drags NM to the ropes, and pulls him out of the ring.

Monroe: What is he doing?

Marcum: I have no idea.

Wednesday helps NM to his feet, and runs him into the ring post. Taking NM's arm, he pulls him back up, and walks him towards the announce table.

Marcum: He's not coming over here, is he?

Monroe: I think we've got incoming!

Wednesday whips NM into the announce table. He then rolls him on top. Monroe and Marcum back away as Wednesday removes the monitors at throws them on the ground.

Monroe: What are you doing?

Wednesday: This is a table!

Marcum: He's got a point there!

Wednesday climbs on top of the table and helps NM up. NM punches Wednesday, sending him to a knee. PenWing slowly walks over to the table and picks up his headset from the ground.

PenWing: This is really something, isn't it?

Monroe: They're destroying our announce table!

PenWing: The only way to eliminate an opponent is to put him through a table! This is hardcore, Madman!

Marcum: This is fucked up!

Wednesday finally gets in a hard punch to NM's head, and follows it up with a kick to the stomach. NM bends forward, and that's all Wednesday needs to set up and execute the Midweek Crunch! The table collapses beneath them as NM's head hits the table top, and the bell rings.

The ref walks over to raise Wednesday's arm as "Bring the Pain!" plays over the speakers.

Monroe: It's going to be the former Hardcore Porn Champion Wednesday vs. PenWing at No Way Out of the Closet! Find out what type of match Wednesday chooses on next weeks Havoc!