Back Dock Brawl: Grimm vs. Balls Nasty

The Cheese-O-Tron flickers to life as the cameras on the back dock activate. We see Balls Nasty standing, awaiting his foe with a bucket filled with old food, condiments, and sauces. Balls is smiling and nodding his head. “Come on out, Little Grimminowski. Balls is waiting for you.”

Nasty loses his smile as Grimm drops on him from the roof above with an axe handle, knocking him over and causing the contents of the bucket to spill over both men. The two trade punches as they go down fighting on the cement. Nasty wraps Grimm in a headlock and runs forward, bulldogging Grimm’s head into the side of a metal trash dumpster.

Nasty picks up a broom and slams it over Grimm’s back, breaking the utensil in half! Nasty lifts Grimm up and prepares for a move, but Grimm wraps him in a waist lock and delivers an overhead suplex, slamming Nasty on top of a grease dumpster. As the two brawled, a tall, overweight man in a chef coat, carrying a bundle of Oreos runs out onto the dock, screaming, “What is it? WHAT IS IT?!?!”

As the man runs over to the two gladiators, they both stop and look at him. Nasty kicks the man in the gut and delivers a Tavernsmasher to him. As the man flops over his torso pops up and Grimm hits him with a Crapping Wizard! Oreos go flying everywhere.

Grimm grabs an Oreo and munches on it, spitting the cookie into Nasty’s face as the arena crowd goes wild! Nasty grabs an empty beer keg and slams it over Grimm’s head, dropping him down to the ground.

Nasty climbs up on top of a large rack filled with firewood. Nasty goes off delivering the Kentucky Falls onto Grimm! Lothar goes for the count, but Grimm kicks out at two! Nasty goes for an elbow smash, but Grimm rolls out of the way, as Nasty’s elbow hits the cement!

Grimm picks Nasty up and dumps him on top of a used linen bin. Standing his foe up, Grimm grabs him around the throat and delivers a Kobe Special, taking both men off the top of the linen bin and into one of the garbage dumpsters!

As both men disappear into the dumpster, the CheeseDome crowd erupts into an “RDCW! RDCW! RDCW!” chant!

Several moments pass, and Grimm emerges from the dumpster, climbing out, covered in garbage. Nasty soon follows, also covered in garbage.

Grimm grabs a mop bucket and dumps the dirty mop water on his foe, then drops the bucket over his head, followed up with a clothesline! Grimm hits the crucifix pose and picks Nasty up. Nasty hits a low blow, and Grimm drops down.

Nasty picks Grimm up and goes for a Camero Cut, but Grimm escapes and hits a Triple 6 Bomb, busting Nasty open on the pavement. As Nasty lay on the pavement, Grimm applies the Grimmlock, going for the submission. Lothar asks Nasty if he wants to quit. Nasty refuses to quit, but Grimm continues to apply the pressure. Blood covering his face, Nasty struggles to escape, but finally passes out from the pain. Lothar awards the match to Grimm. Grimm continues to hold the Grimmlock on until Darth appears and aids Lothar in breaking the hold. Within the CheeseDome, Grimm’s music plays as the crowd celebrates!


Inter-Cunt-Inental Title Match: Joe Mama vs Captain Sammitch

“Let’s Get It Started” had barely begun when Captain Sammitch made his way to the ring, noticeably with Meeko, PenWing, or his Bo staff. His face was a mask of intensity and determination. He entered the ring and, with only a slight acknowledgement to the crowd, stood in the center of the ring, waiting for Joe Mama to arrive.

Monroe: That is a man with revenge on his mind! He knows what’s at stake and what he has to do. Captain Sammitch is a true Champion!

Madman: (pulling out a sheet of paper) I would speak to soon, Monroe! Joe Mama isn’t here yet and you KNOW he’s looking to avenge the loss of his Eurotrash Title!

Monroe: What’s that paper in your hands?

Madman: Oh, YOU’LL find out! Let’s just say that it’s good to have insider information!

The Black-Eyed Peas faded out and “Faded” blasted over the speakers. Joe Mama walked out of the back and down the ramp. There was no sign of Louie, Grace, or any other Bastardo Family member anywhere is the ring area. Joe Mama’s face was completely devoid of expression as he entered the ring and stood toe-to-toe with Sammitch. As the two stared each other down, barely noticing the ref sliding the Title belt off Joe’s shoulder, Joe raised his arm towards the timekeeper and gestured that he wait a few moments before ringing the bell.

JM: I’m going to destroy you tonight, Sammitch. There’s no one here to save you this time…

CS: I’ve got no problem facing you alone, you goddamned traitor! There’s no doubt in my mind that I can beat you…and I WILL beat you tonight!

JM: No, Sammitch. You won’t. This is the Bastardo Family’s night. Sneaky Bunny took the title from Meeko. King Snarf will walk away the Champion. And this match is an inevitability…the “good guys” don’t get to win tonight.

CS: We’ll see, Joe…let’s get this started!!!

JM: One more moment…let the fans savor the quiet before the war…

Both competitors stood, glaring at each other, as a hush fell over the arena. After almost an eternity, Joe Mama snapped his hand to his side and the bell rang. Both men started slamming fists into each other’s head, with neither man budging under his opponent’s attacks. Captain Sammitch ducked under a swing and turned the dodge into a belly-to-belly suplex. Joe Mama stood up as Sammitch rushed to hit him with a clothesline, ducked, and executed an Enforcer, driving Sammitch to the mat. From there, the Champion continued the onslaught, driving his fists into Sammitch. But the challenger was able to fight off his back and deliver some gut shots of his own.

Monroe: We’re a minute into this match and already the intensity level’s off the charts!

Madman: It’s no quarter asked, and none given!

Captain Sammitch was able to gain a quick advantage and managed to hit a series of suplexes. He tried to press it with the Sammitch Spin, but Joe Mama had the presence of mind to use Sammitch’s momentum to execute the Turkish Throw, using the Greco-Roman move to send his opponent through the ropes and onto the ring floor. However, instead of following him out, Joe Mama stepped back and allowed the ref to make his count.

Monroe: I hate to admit it, but this is a smart move by Joe Mama. It gives Captain Sammitch a chance to catch his breath but, by not acting impulsively, he’s keeping control of the pacing and the match firmly on his side.

Madman: I told you, Monroe! The Family had their matches scouted and planned perfectly! We’re about to see the Bastardos go four-for-four!!!

As Captain Sammitch stepped through the ropes and the ref counted to seven, Joe Mama rushed forward and drove an elbow into the back of the Challenger’s head. Then he pulled Sammitch through the ropes and continued working on the back of Sammitch’s neck with a series of blows that sent him to his knees. Joe Mama pulled Sammitch up and Irish whipped him into the ropes, then caught him and hit a Power Slam in the center of the ring.

Madman: (referring to the paper) He refers to the as the REAL “Sammitch Slam”!

Monroe: Is that what that is? A move list???

The Champion went for the pin, but Sammitch broke it after the one count. As Joe Mama pulled him up to his feet, Captain Sammitch hit him with chops to the ribs. But Joe mama raked Sammitch’s eyes, punched him in the back of the neck, and ran to the ropes, where he ricocheted and hit a bulldog.

Madman: That’s the “Sammitch Sling”…

Another pin broken up at the one count. Joe Mama started punching Captain Sammitch again, but the ref pulled the Family member away, shouting at him about closed fists. This gave Sammitch a break, which he capitalized on by grabbing Joe Mama and hitting four German suplexes in a row, making sure to drive his opponent’s head into the mat. Captain Sammitch quickly pulled Joe Mama to the top rope and started to set up his own Sammitch Slam, but the Champion had enough gas in the tank to block the power bomb and half pull, half throw Captain Sammitch to the mat. Then he picked up his stunned opponent and set up the standing suplex. But, instead of pulling him over to finish the suplex, Joe Mama drove him headfirst to the mat with a devastating Brain Buster.

Monroe: My GAWD!!! I haven’t seen that move in years!!!

Madman: He’ll come up with a permanent name later but, for now, it’s the “Sammitch Splat”.

Joe Mama hooked Sammitch’s leg as the ref counted the pin.


Chicago-Style Match: Johnny Evil vs Spandex Monkey Man

Johnny Evil won. He probably managed to shove Spandex Monkey Man into Joe Mama’s locker. Or maybe he got that picture of SPAMM with a cardboard cutout of Richard Simmons.

Monroe: That’s EVIL!

Madman: Truly EVIL!!

Both: WICKED EVIL!!!

But the match never made it to the ring. There was probably a few moments when SPAMM caught Johnny Evil rooting through Rosalita’s locker, looking for a left shoe, and that’s when there was something resembling a wrestling match. And I’m sure that SPAMM almost managed to jam Johnny Evil into a school bus…or a yellow car…or a yellow golf cart. These things all probably happened. I’d be willing to bet good money that both Rosalita AND Ariel looked gorgeous, and that the ensuing catfight between them was VERY sexy...

Madman: You bet it was!

Monroe: No argument here.

But we’ll never know how Johnny Evil won. Because neither man sent this humble narrator the Recap. So sit back and try to imagine the most wild, intense gimmick match you’ve ever seen. Picture the most heroic man in the RDCW battling against the most EVIL(!!!) man. Fill in the blanks with the comedy and sexiness that you’d expect from these two competitors and their valets. And, in your mind, cheer and boo at all the right parts. But don’t do it now. ‘Cause I didn’t get the Recap…

(Probably would’ve been a Match Of The Year contender, too…)