Women’s Boobie Belt Title Match: Sneaky Bunny vs Nuriko
Madman: These two titans of tittie-title tusslin’ gave the moro…fans a match worth watching. The battle went back and forth throughout, and Nuriko actually executed a perfect Hiroshima Mama from the top of a ladder on the Women’s Champion at the halfway point. But Nuriko was slow to get up, allowing Sneaky Bunny to recover and, when Nuriko was halfway up the ladder, Sneaky Bunny hit it with a Bunny Hop, causing Nuriko to get tied up in the ropes. The Bastardo Bunny bludgeoned the SD-6 representative, and then freed her, pulled her to the mat, and executed an East Coast Hammer, softening Nuriko up for Sneaky Bunny’s Taxidermy from the top of another ladder. From there, it was only a matter of climbing the ladder until Sneaky Bunny retained her title. And I loved every damn minute of it!!!
Inter-Cunt-Inental Title Match: Joe Mama vs Captain Sammitch
“Lets Get It Started” played as Captain Sammitch walked out to the cheers and chants of the fans. Bo staff in hand, he walked to the ring where he gave the fans a quick martial arts expo and acknowledged their affection. Just then, “Faded” started up and Joe Mama walked out to the ramp, baseball bat in hand, the crowd jeering. He barely made it halfway down the ramp when the two combatants locked eyes and Joe Mama grimaced, dragging his thumb across his throat. This was enough for Captain Sammitch who ran out of the ring and attacked Joe Mama. Joe dropped his bat and title belt and the two started throwing punches at each other, ignoring any semblance of technical fighting or martial arts.
Monroe: It looks like they’re picking up where they left off! There’s nothing settled between these competitors!
Madman: I think we’re about to see the most brutal match of the night. These two hate each other more than PenWing and King Snarf! More than SPAMM and Johnny Evil!! More than Fat Retard and bathing!!!
Joe Mama Irish whipped Captain Sammitch into the gated barrier between them and the fans, and then followed it up with clothesline, making sure to keep the challenger away from the fans’ side. Captain Sammitch slumped to the base of the gate but, when the Champion tried to drive a boot into his face, had the presence of mind to roll out of the way. Joe Mama’s foot pushed through the grates, trapping his leg. Captain Sammitch took this opening to grab his Bo staff and smack it over Joe Mama’s trapped thigh over and over, causing him to scream in pain and anger.
Monroe: Great move by Sammitch! Capitalize on the Champion’s mistake, and take out the leg! A man who can’t stand can’t win this match!!!
Madman: Joe Mama’s made of stronger stuff than that, Monroe! This match is far from over!!!
Captain Sammitch, on his final staff-shot got too close to his opponent, allowing Joe Mama to grab him by the hair and pull him close. Three head butts to Sammitch’s temple later, the Challenger was stunned, giving the Champion just enough time to free himself. Then the pair continued to trade blows outside the ring. Joe Mama got the upper hand and pushed captain Sammitch into the ring, and then climbed in himself. Once inside, Joe Mama focused on the back of Captain Sammitch’s head and neck, obviously softening him up for an East Coast Hammer or Brain Buster. At one point, Joe Mama actually pulled his opponent up to his feet just so he could grab his face and hair and drive the back of Sammitch’s head to the mat.
Madman: This is the beginning of the end, Monroe!
Monroe: I won’t believe it until I see it!!!
Joe Mama rolled out of the ring to pick up his bat and the Bo staff. Then he walked back into the ring. He looked at each weapon before deciding on the bat and tossing the staff aside. But he’d wasted too much time and Captain Sammitch swept his legs out from under him. Captain Sammitch grabbed his staff and performed a Staff Meeting on Joe Mama, focusing on his ribs and back – a beating so severe that the Champion actually coughed up some blood when the Challenger was finished. Captain Sammitch locked his arms around Joe’s torso, tightening his grip on the ribcage, and executed five German Sammitch Suplexes. After the final one, Captain Sammitch stepped back and let the ref get the count in.
Monroe: We may be seeing the end of Joe Mama’s title reign!
Madman: Get up Champ!!! GET UP!!!
As the ref counted, Joe Mama pulled himself to the ropes and, at the eight-count, pulled himself to his feet. Captain Sammitch moved in to press the advantage, but Joe Mama gave him a boot to the stomach, which stunned him for a moment. Captain Sammitch tried to move in again, but he caught another boot in the gut. He moved in one more time, covering his stomach, but Joe Mama dropped to his knee and hit Captain Sammitch with a low blow to the groin. The crowd collectively groaned as Captain Sammitch dropped to his knees, only to be met by the Champion’s knee to his face, busting Sanmmitch’s nose. Joe Mama stood over the injured and now bleeding Captain Sammitch, holding his ribs but smiling, and took a moment to spit (blood and saliva) on his chest. The ref moved in to get the count, but Joe Mama pushed him away, choosing to pick up his opponent, fling him into the ropes, and hit him with the Enforcer, knocking the wind out of him. Then he chose to pull Captain Sammitch up and use an East Coast Hammer to finish him off. With the finisher executed, Joe Mama demanded that the ref count Sammitch out. But the Challenger was not so easily beaten, and was up on his feet at the ref’s nine-count. Joe Mama rushed in to regain his advantage, hitting Captain Sammitch with a flurry of blows. But Sammitch stayed low, choosing to focus on Joe Mama’s injured ribs, and eventually gained control of the match. After punishing the Champ’s ribs some more, Sammitch pulled Joe Mama up to the top rope and hit a perfect Sammitch Slam, driving Joe Mama into the center of the ring. But the impact also rattled Captain Sammitch, so the ref started to count them BOTH out!!!
Madman: C’mon, Champ! Get up!!! Just get to your feet and the match is yours!!!
Monroe: Both wrestlers are hurting, Marcum! This may be the end!
The ref was at six when both wrestlers finally stirred. “Seven” saw them use the ropes to get up. At “eight”, both men were on their feet, nursing their injuries. But at “nine”, they rushed at each other, focusing on each other’s injuries – Sammitch on Joe Mama’s ribs again, and Joe Mama on Sammitch’s head and neck. The pair lost their footing and fell out of the ring, momentarily stunning them (for about a five count). They switched off driving each other into the ring steps and posts until both were a bloody, gory mess. Bo staff met chair shot. Irish whips into the barrier were reversed. Both men were struggling to breathe, much less stand, when Captain Sammitch tried to use his Sammitch Spin to knock Joe Mama out. But the Champion ducked the foot, drove a boot into the challenger’s gut, and hit a quick Brain Buster to the arena floor. Then he dragged the unconscious Captain Sammitch over to Marcum and Monroe’s announce table and spread him across it.
Monroe: What the Hell does the Champion think he’s doing? What the HELL are you doing?!?
Madman: Oh no…he’s gonna finish this match…he’s gonna end this thing one way or another…
As the announcers moved away from their broadcast position, Joe Mama stumbled back to the ring and stopped the ref’s count. Then he climbed to the top corner, holding his ribs the entire time, and hit Captain Sammitch with a Flying Tea Bag Slam that drove them both through the shattered table. The fans went wild, chanting both names and applauding, as the ref counted.
Monroe: Marcum, I think they’re both knocked out…I don’t think they’re breathing!!!
Madman: This match has gone too far! We need the EMTs!!! We’ve got two men down!!! Someone get help!!!
The ref counted to ten, and then motioned for the bell as emergency staff rushed out to work on both men. The match was called a draw due to double knockout. Oxygen masks were placed over both Joe Mama and Captain Sammitch. Both men were carefully placed on stretchers, and brought to the ambulance that was waiting at the head of the ramp. Fans could hear the EMTs talking about “Grade-Two Concussions at the very least” and “broken, maybe shattered ribs”. Finally the wrestlers were loaded into the ambulance and it drove out of the arena.
