Joe Mama vs John Semen
John Semen steps onto the ramp and waits for his music to start, spinning the disk on his title belt and generally pretending to be a real rapper. But instead of his latest single, Louie Bastardo’s voice pipes over the CheeseDome speakers.
LB: No, John SELLOUT! You haven’t earned the right to play your poor excuse for hip- hop! But my Enforcer – and the RDCW’s Inter-Cunt-Inental Champion – picked a song that’s more your speed! Win the match, and play your single…but we all know that ISN’T gonna happen!
John Semen throws a tantrum as Bob Seger’s “Beautiful Loser” plays. After the song cycles through, “Faded” blasts over the speakers and, as the crowd erupts, Joe Mama walks down the ramp. John Semen is screaming to him to get in the ring, but Joe Mama takes his sweet time to enjoy the fans’ adoration. He enters the ring, holds up the Inter-Cunt-Inental Title, and hands it to the ref. John takes some time to do his “wickee-wickee” ritual on his title before handing it to the ref as well. Then the bell sounds.
Joe Mama’s laid back, light-hearted demeanor gives way to the brutal, sadistic wrestler that RDCW fans have known for the last several months. They lock up, and John Semen gets a headlock in, but Joe Mama turns it into a belly-to-back suplex. After driving his fists into his opponent until the ref pills him off, Joe Mama takes a few moments to drive his foot into John Semen’s face and ribs before pulling him to his feet, Irish-whipping him into the ropes, and executing an Enforcer that causes the whole ring to shake. He stands up, turns to Billionaire Vince’s private box, and screams, “This is what a REAL wrestler does to one of your Sell Outs! Hope you like the show…’BOSS’!!!”
Monroe: What’s Joe Mama talking about? Why is he yelling at the WWE’s owner?
Madman: Maybe he’s trying to psyche him out before his own match. Maybe Joe Mama has a history with the WWE. I really don’t know.
John Semen takes advantage of the distracted opponent and ref and delivers a low blow to Joe Mama. He double over in pain and John starts working him over with fists and kicks. At one point, he knocks Joe Mama down and successfully hits him with his “Mary Palms Shuffle”. He goes for a pin, but Joe Mama kicks out after “one”. John Semen stands up with a look of frustration on his face and then exits the ring, grabs the Inter-Cunt-Inental Title, and re-enters. By this time Joe Mama’s made it to his feet and manages to duck the attempted attack. He sees John’s weapon of choice and stops the ref from calling the match.
Monroe: Oh God…John Semen’s just made the worst mistake of his life! If the ref had any mercy, he’d end this match right now!
Madman: John’s made his decision…let him deal with the consequences!
The crowd is hushed as Joe Mama stares at John Semen and says something to the ref. John’s eyes widen as the ref nods and steps out on the ring. The silence in the arena allows everyone to hear Joe Mama say, with no microphone:
JM: You want a Hardcore Match, John? You got it!!!
John Semen runs at Joe Mama to try and hit him with his own title, but Joe Mama drives his shoulder into John’s gut and delivers another Enforcer. The belt slides near the ropes, but Joe Mama ignores it. He’s too focused on driving punch after punch into his opponent’s face. Joe Mama rushes to the ropes and executes a Flying Tea Bag Slam. Another one, from the opposite corner. Two more from the other corners. John lays prone in the center of the ring but Joe Mama doesn’t cover him. Instead, he steps out of the ring, reaches under, and pulls out a table, which he sets up. Then he drags John Semen out of the ring and puts him on it. He re-enters the ring, heads to one of the corners, and hits a FIFTH Flying Tea Bag Slam, shattering the table in the process.
Madman: Joe Mama is sending a message to John Semen, Billionaire Vince, and everyone in this arena!
Monroe: Absolutely, Marcum! But has his message caused him to do more damage to himself?
Joe Mama stands up, holding his side. Although obviously in some pain, he has a huge grin on his face. He drags John Semen back into the ring and delivers one Brain Buster after another, the crowd counting each one. He stops at five, and then drapes his opponent across his shoulders. He turns to Billionaire Vince, screams “Remember THIS finisher, ‘BOSS’?”, and drives John Semen’s head into the mat with the East Coast Hammer. Finally, Joe Mama covers his opponent for the victory. He stands, looks at the sound booth, and nods. Somebody (Louie Bastardo?) plays “The Ecstasy Of Gold” as Joe Mama basks in the cheers from the crowd. Then he turns back to Vince, who has a look of rage - and recognition? – in his eyes, and grits his teeth as he drags a thumb across his neck. Joe Mama exits the ring and walks to the back, acknowledging the crowd as he goes.
Monroe: I think Joe Mama sent a very clear message to Billionaire Vince…but how do they know each other?
Madman: I’m getting to the bottom of this! This is the scoop of a lifetime!!!
