ECW Rulez Match: Captain Howdy versus Pig Iron

David: Okay, so here’s what I’m seeing for this match. Both men enter the ring to their entrance music.

Bradley: What was Pig Iron’s entrance music again?

Jason: “Creeping Death”. Metallica.

David: Nawwwwwww…he changed it. It’s Public Enemy’s “Countdown To Armageddon”.

Bradley: That’s right. I remember now.

Jason: Cool sirens.

David: Right. So, they’re in the ring. Face-to-face. Staring each other down. Pig Iron slaps Howdy, all defiant. Howdy can’t believe it! He turns to the crowd, as if to say “Did you see that shit?”

Jason: More like “shite”.

David: Whatever. So Howdy’s looking at the crowd. Pig Iron slaps him on the ass. Captain Howdy turns, pissed off, and Pig Iron leaps up in the air and slams Howdy to the canvas!

Bradley: He slaps Howdy in the ass???

Jason: He “leaps up”. And then “slams” Howdy to the canvas???

David: RIGHT!!!

Jason: How does he do that? Is that even possible???

David: I dunno…uh, yeah! Sure it is! So, Howdy’s all stunned and Pig Iron’s all “look at me! I rule!!!”…which gives Howdy the chance to shake off the ol’ cobwebs. He gets out of the ring, grabs a manhole cover, re-enters the ring, and smacks Pig Iron with it! Then he just goes to town on Pig Iron, using a gamut of wrestling moves to beat down Pig Iron.

Jason: A “gamut”??? How many is that???

Bradley: A lot. (To David) Go on…

David: Okay, so Pig Iron gets his strength back…

Jason: HOW?!?

David: Power of the Pig.

Jason: (rubbing temples, eyes closed) ...of course...

David: Pig Iron back flips into Howdy! Howdy’s stunned! Pig Iron just beats the crap outta Howdy!!! And then…!!!

Jason & Mr. Bradley: YES??? AND THEN???

David: AND THEN…Elisa flashes her boobs at Pig Iron!!!

Jason & Mr. Bradley: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

David: Elisa flashes her boobs at Pig Iron! He’s distracted! Horny! He’s not paying attention!!! And Captain Howdy knows that, so he uses a Small Package and pins Pig Iron!!! Captain Howdy wins!!!

Jason: Are you kidding me?!?

David: NO! Isn’t it GREAT???

Bradley: Where did Elisa come from? Harleykwin teams with the Allied Powers!

David: I’m mixing it up for excitement!

Jason: I think YOU’RE mixed up!!! Where’d you think this up???

Bradley: Were you drunk when you came up with this???

David: Uhhhhhh…noooooooo…but Pig Iron was. And this was the only Recap I got for this match.

Jason & Bradley: (Pause)…Go with it.