Rob’s Killer Instinct Rip-Off Theme Music plays, and the lights dim. Captain Howdy is the first to emerge from behind the Cheesedome curtain, followed closely by The Allied Powers’ loyal butler Jeeves, who is carrying both RDCW World Tag Team Titles, and rookie sensation harelykwin. They make their way to the ring, and MisterJLA trails far behind. His mid-section is taped up, and a bandage covers his nose. He appears to be in pain.

Finally all of the Powers are in the ring. Jeeves pulls a microphone out his coat, and hands it to JLA. The music stops, and a hush falls over the crowd.

JLA: I got my ass kicked last week.

Monroe: He’s being very honest! That’s a first!

JLA: That’s right, I admit it. I was put through two tables, I was nearly choked to death, I was dropped on a barricade, got hit my with own belt, took a Camero Cut, so on and so on. I got the living Hell beat out of me. Balls Nasty hit me with everything he had, and I’m still feeling it.

Monroe: This approach by JLA is very refreshing!

JLA: And you know what…it wasn’t enough to keep me down! Here I stand, the two-time, two-time, two-time DCMB Champion!

Monroe: Well, back to normal!

Marcum: Good!

JLA: I was thinking of having a nice party here in the ring. A party just like the one we had when we won the Tag Team Gold. But to be frank, I’m in no condition to party. I had the balloons ordered, Jeeves had the limo washed and ready to roll, the laser lights were working, but I’m too damn tired to party. But I’m not too tired to show everyone the one and only World Championship.

When people look to me, they have to look up, since I sit atop the wrestling world. And if you want to see my new belt, once again…all you have to do is look up!

MisterJLA points toward the Cheesedome rafters. Over the center of the ring, a belt tied to a cord is slowly lowered into the ring. It stops right above JLA’s reach. He unfastens the belt, and holds it in front of the camera:




A real championship, for a real champion. The short-lived and forgettable reign of Balls nasty is over. His one title defense, much like the rest of his life, was a disaster.

When I think of title defenses and championship victories, I think of: me!

In my very first DCMB title defense here, I crushed The Hulk. The very next week, URG am got his ass am kicked am via The Final am Justice. Pig Iron was my next bitch. Chris Oakley put up a Hell of a fight, but I showed the RDCW the difference between someone good like Oakley, and a legend like me. And then finally, last week in a Last Man Standing match that will be talked about for years to come, I returned the DCMB Title to where is belongs.

And now that I think about, I could do it all again VERY easily. If the RDCW lined up those chumps again, I would knock them down, one by…

JLA looks shocked as his eyes lock onto the Cheesedome curtain. He cannot speak.

Monroe: Is that who I think it is?

Marcum: I’m afraid so! It’s…it’s…The Hulk!

The Hulk: HULK WANT NOTHER MATCH TO SMASH PUNY JLA! JLA TALK SMACK BOUT HULK NOW HULK WANT TO SMACK JLA! HULK NOT LIKE DCMB BELT! HULK WORK FOR MARVEL! HULK JUST WANT TO KICK JLA ASS!

JLA:…

Monroe: JLA looks like he’s going to wet himself! And in case you’re wondering at home, the Cheesedome is shaking from The Hulk’s words, and he doesn’t even have a mic!

Marcum: Shut it! Look at the entrance now!

As the camera pans to the entrance way, it is revealed that caveman URG is standing next to The Hulk, armed with a mic! The Hulk just scratches his head…

URG: JLA am big ass. URG want to take nice looking DCMB Belt. URG used to be Porn and Lightweight Champ. DCMB Belt am look good on URG’s belly! JLA am get ready for Caveman Crunch!

JLA: Listen guys, as you can see, I’m in no condition to wrestle, but if you’d like to wait, say, 60-80 years, maybe then I’ll give you a rematch. You two had your chance, so feel free to kiss-my-

A familiar voice is heard over the speakers…

“The Hulk and URG? Please. I know the people want to see JLA tap out like a little girl, and I’m the one who can do that. You called me by name, and here I am.”

Monroe: I think that’s: yes, it is! It’s Pig Iron!

Pig Iron walks out from behind the Cheesedome curtain, mic in hand.

Pig Iron: You jumped Ghost Hog and I awhile back JLA, and I haven’t forgotten it. You may have gotten lucky and defeated me once, but I want my rematch. You said you can beat me again, so let’s see it. I want that Championship, and I’ll make you tap in the Hoglock to get it, you little bsams wannabe spammer!

JLA: My first three bitches all lined up to say hello. How nice. But like I said, I’m really not in the mood right now. But if the three of you would to like to go f…

"Rooster" erupts from the Cheesedome PA speakers and Chris Oakley walks to the middle of the aisle, flanked by Mario Barini ,Ian Bond, and Hombre Lagarto. Mic in hand,the former XPW world heavyweight champion looks up at MisterJLA and starts to talk.

Oakley: So, JLA, I hear you've been running your mouth off about me...(mixed pops and boos from the crowd) Well, I figure it's time somebody shut that mouth but good! So right now, I'm challenging you to take me on in a match next week! (Huge pops from the crowd) And just to make things REALLY interesting, why don't we put your DCMB title on the line?!!


JLA: How many microphones are tuned into the PA? Oakley, Pig Iron, Urg! Anyone else want to pick up a mic and challenge me?

Just then, “Bad Company” booms over the PA. Balls Nasty quickly emerges. And of course, he has his own mic.


JLA: I had to ask.

Nasty: I know the rest of you want to kick JLA around, but you are all going to have to wait. I was the first, and ONLY person to beat him and take that meaningless title, and I want to do it again. When I’m done punishing him for the shit he pulled in our Last Man Standing match, all of you can have what’s left of him. If there’s anything left, that is. JLA: I want more than a victory, and more than that piece of leather to sell for ads: I want your career!


JLA: Well, guys, since all of you want a piece of me so badly, why don’t you fight amongst yourselves to decide who gets the honor of facing me first. The rest of The Powers and I will just sit back and watch. Go ahead. Beat the piss out of each other, and I’ll face whoever’s left.

Oakley: I’ve got a better idea…and it’s called: “The Elimination Chamber!”

The crowd goes wild!

JLA: Uh…listen, Oakley. That’s a nice idea and all, but I’ve seen one of those before, and if you think I’m getting in an Elimination Chamber with you thugs…

The crowd begins to chant: “Chamber! Chamber!” JLA looks around nervously…

JLA: ALRIGHT! I’ll do it!

Captain Howdy and harleykwin plead with JLA to reconsider, but he shrugs them off.

JLA: Because next week is WarGasms, my first RDCW Pay-Per-View, I agree to your terms. And let me say this: I’m sure all of you will want to be in perfect health for the match. I’m confident that no one is looking for an edge over the others. Right Nasty? You wouldn’t want to see Oakley injure himself tonight, because that would make your time in the Chamber that much easier. On second thought, maybe you would like to see that. And Pig Iron. I know you want to make me tap out in the HogLock. But what if URG pins you first? But if you injured him before the match, that couldn't happen...

The five wrestlers eye each other with suspicion. As they slowly make their way toward the locker room, Chris Oakley accidentally bumps into The Hulk. The Hulk then pushes Oakley into URG, and soon, all Hell breaks loose. The five wrestlers battle each other into the backstage area, where security tries to separate them.

MisterJLA sees this, smiles, and whispers to Captain Howdy.

JLA: You see that, Howdy? Divide and conquer. The five of them will be so exhausted from trying to kill each other, I’ll eliminate them all in record time.

Howdy shakes his head in agreement.


JLA: Cameraman! Put that damn camera on me! No one wants to see those clods fighting in the back! Here I have something very interesting! A letter from one of my many, many fans!

Jeeves pulls an envelope out of his jacket.

JLA: This letter is from a Mrs. Mandral. Dear Son, your father and I are so proud of you, and think you’re the best wrestler in the world!

JLA catches himself, and looks embarrassed.

Monroe: He’s reading a letter from his mom?

Marcum: I think he just read it wrong!

JLA: OOPS! I misread that. Let me try again:


“Dear MisterJLA. My husband and I have been watching Rob’s Damn Championship Wrestling since it’s inception, and we cannot remember a more dominant, and awe-inspiring tag team than The Allied Powers. When reflecting on great teams, we naturally compared The Powers to all of the former Donkey Lovin’ Tag Champions, and we think you could defeat them all! You and Captain Howdy are the greatest Champions ever. We’d love to see you wrestle all of the legendary tag teams, to prove your greatness all over again!

Hugs and kisses.”

Uh…Sally Smith.

JLA: Sally, that was a terrific letter, and a similar to much of the fan mail The Powers receive. Our mailman nearly broke his back trying to deliver our fan mail over the months that we’ve been knocking tag teams off.

And Sally, that’s a terrific idea! I’d love for Howdy and I to face some of the “all-time greats” in the Tag division, but unfortunately, many of those teams have disbanded. Some of the teams claim to be old and injured, but truth be told, all of them are no longer competing because they know: we would kick their punk asses!

The crowd boos!

Monroe: He’s just making this up!


JLA: To prove my point, let me issue a challenge: if there are any former Championship teams in the building, come on down, and get another crack at the titles!

After a second or two…

JLA: There you have it: none of the former championship teams want to face…

Just then, The Australian National Anthem plays.

Monroe: Could it be? Yes! Amazing! There they are! The Aussie Scumbags are back together!

Marcum: But they hate each other!

First Amongst Daves: MisterJLA: if there’s one thing I hate more than Fucktard Danny, it’s a braggart!

JLA: Hey! I never even looked at another guy!

First Amongst Daves: I said braggart! Idiot! I heard, we ALL heard your rantings in the back, and you managed to severely agitate Danny and I! Tonight we are willing to put our differences aside, and reunite The Aussie Scumbags!

The crowd goes ballistic!

JLA: Tonight? Who said anything about Howdy and I wrestling tonight? Look at the shape I’m in!

First Amongst Daves: You should try Yoga, that’s what I do, and I’ve never been slimmer!

JLA: I’m mean I’m hurt! I just competed in a Last Man Standing match last week, and I’m beat!

First Amongst Daves: You issued an open challenge. Legally speaking, your comments constitute a valid agreement, between the parties of the first part, and…

JLA: Enough with the lawyer talk! Fine, tonight it will be The Allied Powers vs The Aussie Scumbags for the World Tag Team Championship! But fellas: I hope neither of you forget what happened at The Fear and Loathing Memorial Tournament! Now go get ready!

Danny and Dave look at each other with hate in their eyes.

Monroe: JLA had to bring that up! That’s when the Scumbags parted ways!

Marcum: What a strategist!

Monroe: So there you have it! Tonight: The Champion Allied Powers vs former Tag Champs The Aussie Scumbags! And at our next Pay Per View, WarGasms: MisterJLA defends the DCMB Championship in the Elimination Chamber against the wrestlers he defended against, or in the case of Balls Nasty, defeated to win the title for a second time!

Marcum: JLA’s first five victims! WarGasms should be the greatest Pay Per View in the history of the universe!

Monroe: Until the Pay Per View after that, I’m sure!

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