Camera shows The Hardcore Legend and Champion Captain Howdy standing in the ring with a microphone. The ring is filled with steel chairs, garbage cans, baseball bats, and objects that appear to have come from a junkyard. The ring ropes have police "Do Not Cross" tape wrapped around them.
Howdy: Hello, gits! Tonight you are lucky enough to witness the first, and probably only edition of "The Captain's Corner!"
And it's only right that my guest is...MisterJLA!
Rob's Killer Instinct Rip Off Theme Music plays, and MisterJLA takes the ramp. The crowd instantly shows their disapproval with boos and "asshole" chants. He has his share of the World Tag Team Championships around his waist, with the DCMB Title thrown over his left shoulder, with his newly won IntercuntInental title thrown over his right shoulder. Allied Power butler Jeeves follows him toward the ring. JLA steps through the ropes and looks at the mess in the ring. He shakes his head in dismay. Howdy hands him an extra mic...
JLA (Looking at a fan in the front row) That's right buddy, I am number one!
Howdy: I don't think that's what he means by using that finger! Anyway, on with the show!
Captain Howdy looks into the camera, and begins to speak in a monotone.
Howdy: MisterJLA, you never did talk about your glorious win at WarGasms. You pinned five wrestlers that night. How did you do it?
JLA: WOW! You sure do ask tough questions, Howdy!
Howdy: I was just reading off the cue card, you twat!
JLA places his hand over Howdy's mic
JLA: Play along, tosser!
JLA: Uh...anyway, yes, I did pin *5* wrestlers at WarGasms in the Elimination Chamber: Pig Iron, The Hulk, URG, Chris Oakley, and my nemesis Balls Nasty all fell victim to my wrestling prowess. All of them either wanted to main me, make me submit, take my belt, or do all three, but nothing of the sort happened. It was my first RDCW PPV, and I showed everyone what I'm made of!
Howdy: Shit!
The crowd erupts in laughter.
JLA What did you say?
Howdy: I said "Shit!" I just stepped on some tacks. Oh...you thought I said that about you!
JLA: Forget it.
JLA: Anyhow, WarGasms wasn't a complete success. I did slip, and fall over the top rope in the MOD Battle Royale. And I did have to fire harleykwin.
Howdy: But she did give you a nice kick to the goolies!
Again, the crowd erupts in laughter. JLA's face turns red with anger.
JLA: It was a cheap shot if I ever saw one! Plus, she was just mad because I kicked her out of the Powers! I tried to make a champion out of her, but it didn't happen right away, so I dropped her faster than the WWE dropped Owen Hart!
The crowd boos JLA's insensitive remark.
JLA: Oh, come on. Like I was saying, I dropped her. If I wanted to invest more time in her, she could've been a champion. Because as we all know, I do have the Midas Touch: everything I touch, turns to Gold! Just look at you, Howdy!
The crowd lets out an "Ohhhhh"
Howdy: What the FUCK is that supposed to mean, gimp?
JLA: It means that despite your years of experience, you NEVER held a title until I took you under my wing. Since I let you be my tag partner, you gained forty pounds, and I don't mean British currency!
Howdy: Forty pounds?
JLA: Yes: the Tag Title weighs 20 pounds, and so does The Hardcore Porn Title!
Howdy:
Howdy: You had nothing to do with me getting the Hardcore Porn title!
JLA: I had everything to do with it. I showed you how to be a winner AND I helped you in your first title defense. You had a very easy defense, since Balls Nasty was practically beat by the time the match started. I put him through a glass chamber the week before at WarGasms, so he was in no shape to compete that night.
You know, Howdy...you never did thank me for softening him up. Or thank my country for saving your country's ass in WWII.
How about a simple "Thank You"?
Howdy is boiling with anger.
Howdy: Better yet, how about a FUCK YOU! You interview yourself! Gibbon!
Captain Howdy storms off, leaving Jeeves and MisterJLA in the ring.
JLA: Shoot. Guess I *do* have to interview myself. So Champ, last week you took the IC Championship from Joe Mama. How did that feel?
JLA: Glad you asked. It was terrific! Joe Mama and PenWing, the supposed top two individual wrestlers in this company, couldn't knock off the Greatest Tag Team of All Time! AND, I picked up a shiny new title in the process: The Inter-Cunt-Inental Championship! I now have three belts, and made Joe Mama my bitch yet again! I heard him downplay last week earlier, but he's got to be pissed that this is the second time I took a belt from him, the first being when Howdy and I defeated him and his ex-boyfriend King Snarf for the Tag Gold!
JLA: Speaking of gold, MisterJLA: tonight you can add a *fourth* title to your collection: The RDLL Tag Championships, held by the Legbreakereseseseseses 4 Hire!
JLA: Good point! The RDLL is a dying, joke federation, but I'll gladly merge their belts with ours.
As for the Legbreakereseseseseses 4 Hire, I wouldn't hire those guys to wash my car, much less break someone's legs. They will lose...badly tonight.
JLA: Final question, champ, or should I say "champs"?
JLA: (Still reading from the cue card) Good one, Howdy. (Recovering) I mean, JLA. Fire away.
JLA: What's the deal with Chesty? Didn't she give the "thumbs down" gesture when she heard your name during a recent Dark Lords interview?
JLA: That poor girl has been brainwashed by Darth. Her association with him is the Devil's work! Repent Chesty, repent!
I haven't given up on her. Maybe if I kick Darth's ass, his voodoo witchcraft spell over her will be broken!
I may have to try that...but for tonight, I'll have to be happy with adding one more title to the JLA Trophy Room!
Cut to commercial...
