RKMBs Forums .::Important::. RDCW Tuesday Night Havoc 9.20.05

Lightweight Faggot Title: Johnny Evil versus Spandex Monkey Man

*Johnny Evil's music hit as the two time Lightweight Faggot Champion made his way down to ringside on a pair of crutches. Ariel and Big Fat Elvis accompanied him, helping him into the ring. As the trio made their way in, Johnny Evil addressed the crowd.

JE: As you people can clearly see, I am not able to compete tonight. As I was injured last week when Spandex Monkey Man dropped Big Fat Elvis on top of me, requiring me to have multiple operations on my knee.

Monroe: That's not what happened!

MarcuM: That's exactly what happened! Stop being so biased, Monroe!

Monroe: He's lying to the fans!

JE: Now as this match was scheduled, and I will not be able to compete for the forseeable future, I have been ordered by RDCW officials to come out here and forfeit the championship to the number one contender, Spandex Monkey Man. So, Spamm, come on out here, and I'll give you the belt.

*Spamm's music hits as the superhero heads down to ringside. He looks a bit unhappy. He steps into the ring and takes the mic.

Spamm: Johnny, I just want you to know that this isn't how I wanted to win the championship and that I take no pleasure in your injury. Once you've recovered, if I'm still the champion, you have a shot at the belt no questions asked.

JE: I know, Spamm, and thanks.

Johnny Evil hands Spamm the belt and raises his hand in the air as the crowd applauds. As Spamm moves to pose with the belt, Johnny hits him from behind with one of his crutches.

Monroe: That. . .that. . .

MarcuM: evil?

Monroe: That evil bastard!

Johnny motions for BFE to pick up Spamm and hold him. BFE does so as Johnny takes another shot with the crutch, barely managing to stay on his own feet.

As Johnny picks up the belt and prepares to nail Spamm with it, the arena goes dark.

Monroe: What's this?

MarcuM: I got a bad feeling about this.

"Cemetary Gates" cues up as the Dark Lords (Grimm, Darth, and Pig Iron) head down to ringside. The Dark Lords storm the ring and beatdown Johnny and BFE. Pig Iron hits BFE with a flying Pig on the Wing as Darth and Grimm pummel Johnny Evil. Darth puts Johnny in a Sabre Stretch and releases him into a vicious Triple 6 Bomb from Grimm.

The trio then turn to BFE, beating down the Elvis impersonator as Ariel helps Johnny out of the ring. Finally, Spamm makes his way back to his feet as he realizes who's left in the ring with him. The Dark Lords beatdown Spamm, hitting him with a double chokeslam before picking him up and carrying out of the ring and to the back. The crowd is left in stunned silence.

Monroe: Fans. . .I'm not quite sure what we just witnessed here. . .

MarcuM: The Dark Lords just beat the hell out of everyone! That's fucked up! That ain't right!

Monroe: Fans. . .we'll be back with our main event!


Big Cheese Title - #1 Contender’s Match – Three Man Elimination Rules

As his entrance music played, Captain Sammitch was the first to come to the ring. As the crowd cheered and chanted his name, he played up to the crowd, hyping them even further. Then HBK’s music started and Shawn Nocheals entered the ring. Finally, as “Bad Company” blasted over the speakers, Balls Nasty came out. With all three men in the ring, staring each other down, the match was set to go. However, there was no referee to start the match…

“Faded” cued up and Joe Mama walked out to the ring in his black jeans, work boots, and his Red Sox jersey (#33). All three men looked ready to jump the Big Cheese Champion as he dropped off his Big Cheese Title, grabbed a microphone and entered the ring.

JM: All I wanted to do tonight was sit back, drink a few beers, and watch you three tear each other apart. Maybe I’d hang out with the announce crew and talk about how Captain Sammitch’s life passed before his eyes the last time we locked up and he has a new lease on life. Maybe I’d talk about how Balls Nasty’s turn to Scientology just makes him a gayer version of Tom Cruise…without the charm. Or maybe I’d talk about how much I love watching the former Hellion and GM of the RDCW work through his midlife crisis. But I can’t do that tonight. Y’know why? Because the refs are too scared of this match to officiate it. They think you three pose as much danger to them as you do to each other. So Doc, in his infinite wisdom, drafted me to referee the #1 Contender’s Match.

Joe Mama took of his Varitek jersey, revealing referee stripes, and tossed it to the crowd.

JM: Let’s get this thing started!!!

Joe Mama motioned to the timekeeper, who rang the bell, and the match began.

Monroe: There are three solid competitors in this match. The question is, which one will come out on top?

Marcum: The better question is, will Joe Mama be able to keep control of this match? Or does he even want to?

The three competitors clashed in the center of the ring, taking turns bludgeoning each other with various chops, punches, and kicks. The big men turned on Captain Sammitch and started working him over, backing him into a corner where they took turns alternating between punching and choking him. Joe Mama was steady in his counts to break the chokeholds, but didn’t try to pull either Nocheals or Nasty away from Sammitch.

Monroe: Shouldn’t Joe Mama be pulling them out of the corner?

Marcum: He’s letting them fight it out! He either wants his challenger nice and weak going into Uncircumcised or he wants his challenger to prove himself!

As Captain Sammitch slid to the mat, semi-conscious Shawn Nocheals, sensing his opening, drove a fist into Balls Nasty’s face. The Scientologist stumbled back and HBK pushed his advantage by using a Fuck-Off Slam to send Balls Nasty crashing to the ring floor. Then Nocheals went back to the corner, dragged Sammitch to the center of the ring, and…

Monroe: Shawn Nocheals puts the Crippler Cuntface on Sammitch! He may tap out!

Joe Mama knelt in front of Captain Sammitch, looking for any sign of the submission. Sammitch, running on adrenaline and pain, struggled to reach the ropes or break the hold. With nowhere to escape, it looked like Sammitch was about to be the first man eliminated…until Balls Nasty reentered the ring and planted his boot right across HBK's face. Then Nasty rolled Nocheals away and turned Sammitch onto his back for the pin. As Joe Mama made the two count, Nocheals grabbed Nasty's ankle and pulled him out of the pin.

Both men stared each other down; each visibly upset with the other's meddling. Nasty delivered a Knife-edge chop to Nocheals's chest, but HBK stood strong and returned the hit as a show of endurance began in the ring with each chop landing with more intensity. Balls Nasty finally threw a punch to the side of Nocheals's head and followed up with an Irish Whip. But Nocheals was ready and executed a Fucking Cuntline on his return that sent both men over the top rope and to the outside of the ring. Captain Sammitch was able to recover and ran to the far ropes to attempt a flying tacking on both his opponents, but Joe Mama stood in his way and demanded that Sammitch stay back.

Monroe: Is Joe Mama working in Sammitch’s best interest? Or is he somehow trying to screw him over?

Marcum: Who knows why he does what he does? The flying tackle easily could’ve backfired! Or it could’ve taken out both, or all three, men!

Nocheals got to his feet and walked over to Nasty. HBK grabbed Nasty's hair to pull the man to his feet when Balls countered with a low blow. Nasty pulled himself to his feet and began to stomp on Nocheals. From the ramp, El Superbeasto entered at ringside with a steel chair. He snuck up behind Nasty and delivered a devastating blow to the back of the head with the chair. Balls Nasty fell to his knees as Superbeasto connected with another chair shot to the back. El Superbeasto dropped the chair and took a few steps back then he removed the protective mat to expose the Cheesedome's concrete floor.

Monroe: Oh my gawd! What's he doing?!

Marcum: Balls Nasty is about to learn that you don't fuck with The Family!

El Superbeasto picked Nasty up off the floor and walked him over to the exposed concrete. The Giant Luchador then executed a Chokeslam to Oblivion on the concrete. Blood began to pool around Balls Nasty's head. Finally Joe Mama began the count. Nocheals rolled himself back into the ring as El Superbeasto made his way to the back. Joe Mama then finished the ten count, eliminating Balls Nasty from the bout.

Monroe: Why did Joe Mama wait so long to start the count???

Marcum: He wanted to let the big men battle a bit! Who knew that a third big man would decide the first elimination?

Joe Mama turned as Nocheals and a fully rested Sammitch traded blows in the center of the ring. Once again, HBK took the advantage and Irish whipped his opponent into the ropes. But Sammitch was able to duck under the Fucking Cuntline, and stop his own momentum. Nocheals ricocheted off the ropes and into a Sammitch (Power) Slam. Captain Sammitch rushed to the top of a ring corner and, as Joe Mama was making the five count, attempted a Sammitch Splash. But Nocheals blocked it with his knees and Captain Sammitch rolled off in obvious pain. As both men lay in the ring, Joe Mama seemed to enjoy the view from one of the corners.

Monroe: Shouldn’t he be making a count out?

Marcum: There’s no way he’d do that! This match is to determine whom he’ll be facing at Uncircumcised! He wants a clear winner! Let ‘em get up and fight!!!

Once again, Nocheals was the first to his feet. As Sammitch struggled to get up, Nocheals hit him with a Cunt-Fu Kick, sending him out of the ring and onto the floor. HBK tried to follow him out to continue the fight, but Joe Mama stepped in front of him and forced him back to the center of the ring. Then Joe walked to the ropes and started the ten count. At three, Nocheals tried to move past him and get out of the ring but Joe Mama once again pushed him back to the center. Nocheal started yelling at Joe Mama, demanding that he let him get to Sammitch. But Joe Mama yelled back for him to stay back while he counted. Joe Mama restarted the count out and, this time, Nocheals stayed back…slipping out of the ring through the opposite ropes. At seven, Nocheals grabbed Sammitch and rolled him into the ring. Joe Mama continued the count. At nine, Nocheals reentered the ring. This time Nocheals and Joe Mama went nose to nose; Nocheal shouting about the continued count that almost cost him the match, Joe Mama pointing to his referee stripes, the bell keeper, and the ramp.

Marcum: Y’know, both men make a good point. Joe Mama IS the ref! But he should’ve let Shawn Nocheals out of the ring to beat on Sammitch!

Monroe: This is one of the strangest matches I’ve ever seen! And I saw King Snarf battle the cast of Saved By The Bell!

Joe Mama continued to shout at Shawn Nocheals, who took a step back and flashed him the English bird. But, in stepping back, he moved right into a waiting Captain Sammitch, who delivered three Sammitch (German) Suplexes. Then he moved to lock in the Sammitch Submission, but Nocheals was able to turn it into a small package. Fortunately, Sammitch was able to kick out. Shawn Nocheals attempted the arm bar that would set up a second Crippler Cuntface but was hit with a super kick.

Marcum: Oh, the IRONY!!!

Nocheals stumbled back but Sammitch pressed the advantage with a Sammitch Spin, sending HBK into the corner. Not wasting any time, Sammitch rushed to the corner and set up the Sammitch Slam. Nocheals crashed to the center of the ring and Captain Sammitch covered him. Though Joe Mama took his time with the count, Captain Sammitch did get the pin.

Monroe: Captain Sammitch did it! He’s facing the Big Cheese Champion at Uncircumcised!

Joe Mama raised his arm as Captain Sammitch celebrated in the center of the ring. Then Joe Mama stepped out, grabbed the Big Cheese Title, and returned to the ring. He showed it to Sammitch, who nodded and pointed to it, saying a few things to Joe Mama. Joe Mama nodded, draped the Title belt over his own shoulder, and offered his right hand for Captain Sammitch to shake. Sammitch debated whether to accept the gesture, looking to a decidedly mixed audience. Joe Mama went back and grabbed a microphone, then walked over to Sammitch.

JM: C’mon now…you won the match. You get the Title shot. Don’t be a poor winner. These fans want to see you and I shake like true competitors.

Joe Mama moved the microphone into his left hand and re-offered his right hand to shake. After another pause, Captain Sammitch relented and the two men shook hands while the audience cheered. Then Joe Mama pulled Sammitch towards him so they were nose to nose and brought the microphone up to his mouth.

JM: At Uncircumcised, I’m going to finish the job I started at Wargasms. I’m going to end your damn career!!!

Captain Sammitch: Give it your best shot!!!

The two men stared each other down, still shaking hands, as Havoc came to a close.