The Cheesedome goes pitch black. The crowd cheers in anticipation. Speakers begin pumping “Let’s get it started.” The crowd pops madly. Fireworks shoot off into the top of the dome . Out comes a bigger Captain Sammitch wearing a Peyton Manning jersey, white warm up pants, and some sleek New Balance sneakers. The crowd continues to go nuts as his obscured form gets into the ring.
Marcum: “Wow..I likes me some Sammitch.”
Monroe: “You like anything edible.”
Marcum: “No, I mean Captain Sammitch.”
Monroe: “ Ohhh, Captain Sammitch is here. Sammitch time.”
The lights come on and the crowd begins to boo as Pig Iron is obviously in the ring wearing Captain Sammitch’s clothing.
Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..”
Monroe: “ What in God’s name?”
Marcum: “ Here I thought we were getting the Captain. What does this mean?”
Pig Iron: “ Hmmm. A second ago you were all cheering me. That was unusual. Ooohh? Could it be these clothes I am wearing? I suppose clothes DO make the man. Well, on Park Avenue maybe. But here in the Cheeesedome clothes mean nothing. They are but textiles woven by little Pakistani children, sweating, slaving to make a dollar a day. Just so the Captain can wear his Colts jersey. Aaahhhh, I admire those kids. They have a buck more than they had before “Thanks, Captain.” I’m sure they appreciate it. But, I appreciate that work ethic displayed by those tiny troopers. Because kids, if you work hard and take your vitamins like the Captain you too can be a worldwide sensation. But I know come Halloween Handjobs there is one sensation that the Captain will know all too well…………..PAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.”
Monroe: “Why doesn’t he just leave?”
PI: “ I am sick and tired of Doc Paraplegic giving corporate directives. Spouting inane and ludicrous demands. The bureaucracy that is the RDCW must be torn asunder. I will go through the corporate pretty boys….the poster children bought and paid for as the voices of the RDCW..Doc Paraplegic’s mouth pieces that are The Sudden Death Connection.”
Crowd: “ Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Sammitch, Sammitch, Sammitch…Sammitch.”
PI: “ Booo…hiss all you like, but you know that you want wrestling my way. The Dark Lord way. Violence, hate, anger, destruction, WHOAAYAAHHS ALL. Whooaayaaahssss Offffff PPaaiinnnn. Do you want Doc Paraplegic to come in here and destroy your RDCW? DO YOUUUU? Do you want lame, scripted storylines brought forth and acted by the likes of the SDC and the Allied powers? Do you want them to win when they are told? To lose when they are told? I SAY THEEEE NAAYYYYY!”
Pig Iron rips off his jersey and warm up pants and throws his NB shoes into the audience.
Marcum: “This guy has some issues folks. He’s one of those conspiracy guys. Hey, someone take that mic.”
PI: “ The Dark Lords are bringing truth back to the RDCW. The Dark Lords are bringing the WHooayahhh spirit back to the RDCW. Pig Iron is bringing painnnn back to the RDCW. You will see, one on one what pain feels like , to feel your back twist and truncate, and your ribs crack, and the blood and sweat will blind your eyes. I will drive you and all those you represent into the gutter where your corporate excrement belongs. You will see a waaaooyyyaahhhh..a woooayyah of ppaaaiiin. You will feel iron and steel. You will feel the kiss of sweet concrete, and the lashing of flesh and bone across your body as you flail for courage and the energy of the crowd inside the Cheesedome. Bring all you may if you must..your little buddy Chewy, Penwing…you can even bring the paralyzed powers of JLA. Know that this is real, this is Falls Count Anywhere… ….anywhere, Captain… I will not go quietly, you will have to destroy me, before I let you destroy RDCW…Anywwhheeaooahhh , Captain, anywheeaaaaoohhhh…to rid the RDCW of the scourge that is corporate wrestling led by the false prophet that is Doc Paragon I will fight you anywhere.
Crowd: “ BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Monroe: “He’s Mad, Mad I tell you.”
Sirens blare through the Cheesedome..
Cue sound bite over the speakers….
Winston Churchill: “We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!”
Aces High blasts through the Cheesedome…..
