So here we are with another poor, sad, and demented recluse, born of social stigmas and cheeto addictions, and--

...oh, wait. This isn't Pariah's interview.

This next individual is born of self-conceptualization, and self-accuatlization....free-will, and molded destiny. A man of few short sentences, and many paragraphs. The King of Legos and Champion of the Informal Lunch. The original Graemlin Abuser! And, a man so humble, he requires multiple top-pics for this interview!

Ladies and Gentlemen.....Captain on the Bridge!!

Quote:






Captain Sammitch


1.) What is your full name?

    Philip Marvin Smith. And I’ll save you some time by pointing out my initials and laughing. Har. My father’s name is Marvin, and I’m proud of the name, but needless to say not of the initials. Though since I was born in 1982, I think the condition was still a bit under the pop-culture radar, so I’m hoping the initials were a completely innocent decision.


2.) Where do you currently reside?



    I live in a town called Bourbonnais, Illinois, which is about an hour southeast of Chicago in Kankakee County, the easternmost county in Illinois. It’s a small town, but if you factor in the adjacent small town of Bradley and the moderate-sized town of Kankakee, the population comes to about seventy or eighty thousand. That may not be small to all of you, but for someone who grew up in Cleveland with its half a million people and who spends a lot of time in Chicago with its six or so million people, it’s tiny. There’s not much here except for a few average-sized shopping centers, the community college, and Olivet Nazarene University – mine and Chewy’s alma mater, from which Killconey and sweetmarlene will be graduating in about five or six weeks.


3.) I'm from Mississippi. So, more than seven cows is a 'metropolis' for me. Anyway, what is it you do for a living? Are you still in school?

    I graduated last May with a BA in music, but I am most likely entering graduate school this fall at either The Ohio State University or the Chicago College of Performing Arts in search of a Master of Musical Arts degree in theory and composition. At the moment, I am working at Target here in town, just trying to make a buck and stay ahead of rent and bills. Ultimately, I see myself teaching music at the university level, but I also anticipate a fairly active career as a composer. My ultimate dream would be to work on scores for television and film.


4.) The porn industry looks forward to the future, I'm sure. So, what hobbies are you into? What do you do in your spare time? What's fun for Phil?

    I enjoy a wide variety of things in my spare time. I do the mandatory nerdy things like play video games and the occasional RPG with Killconey (henceforth to be referred to as Dan) and the guys. I even have a sizable collection of Legos that I tinker with occasionally, though only casually – except when it comes to Evil Stevie's Pirate Game, one of my favorite current hobbies.



It’s just a hobby!!!


    I am also an avid reader and writer. But I also enjoy a number of athletic and outdoor activities. I played baseball in high school and ice hockey on a recreation-league level, and I participate in either sport whenever an opportunity presents itself. I enjoy just about any kind of outdoor activity, whether it’s mountain biking over what few significant hills we have around here or just throwing a football around with some friends.


5.) So, do you ever throw a 'Lego Football' around? Huh? Combing your hobbies? Betcha' never thought of THAT, did you, smart guy? Yeah, thought so...

Okay, where does the name "Captain Sammitch" come from?

    Back in high school, I was part of a traveling youth choir that toured churches across northern Ohio. One of my good friends from that choir and I spent a lot of time talking about comic books and fiction and making up comics and fiction of our own. Our two most entertaining ‘superheroes’ were Cap’n Sammitch (a large man whose costume consisted of a foam-rubber BLT), and his sidekick Squid Man (a skinny little guy who wore a hat shaped like a squid).

    On one of our longer tours, we scrounged for materials, threw together some crappy costumes, and shot a short little movie on a friend’s camcorder in the state park where we basically ran around and played pranks on random people in our choir. It soon became apparent that the Cap’n Sammitch costume fit me better than my friend, and I was better at doing the character’s voice, so we switched roles. Someone got ahold of our video and showed it at the end of that weekend, and from that point on, I was Cap’n Sammitch.

    While I no longer have the costume and I have no memory of what became of the video, I used the name as my first screen name on AIM and most everywhere else on the Internet. That’s pretty much the story right there.


6.) I think that's up there with being rocketed from the doomed planet Krypton, and, being the son of a mermaid and lighthouse keeper. More the latter, I would think. And, damn, I wish you still have the video. Movie night at the RKMBS! Ha!

Okay, moving a bit into serious territoty...what is your deepest personal pain? Why does it bother you? Is it something you could ever overcome, or, like James T. Kirk, do you "need" your pain? Is it a defining attribute to your personality? Would you say this is true for everyone?

    Damn, this is gonna be long-winded – I apologize in advance. Okay. Everyone has something – the difference isn’t so much in the source of one’s pain as it is in the nature of it… and whether or not they have confronted it.

    Many of you may have heard this story before, but I am adopted. My birth mother was a drug user. She used several different substances while she was carrying me, and I was born with cerebral palsy. Beyond that, I was abused – more accurately neglected – as an infant, which ultimately left me with some deep-seated psychological issues.

    Fortunately, my birth mother did probably the only good thing for me other than bring me into the world, and I was adopted by two very loving parents – a Nazarene minister and an elementary teacher who couldn’t have children of their own. I had corrective surgery to eliminate all but the faintest traces of CP when I was five, but I only truly faced the psychological stuff once I reached college.

    Dropping the name ADHD and scrawling out a prescription only go so far by themselves, and though medication helped me deal with things in middle school and high school, I only really began to deal with everything with the help of professional counseling.

    I’m still a work in progress, but to be honest, I am not ashamed of who I am, nor am I angry about the past anymore. It’s my own ‘thorn in the flesh’, and it reminds me that I am not perfect, that I am a work in progress, and that I have definite limitations… but it also drives me to push back those limitations time after time and do things that many people with my physical and/or psychological impediments rarely accomplish. To be honest, I am almost glad for that, at least.


7.) That's a really good answer. I was not aware of that story. Good stuff.

So, what's your relationship with Mr. Chewy Walrus? Alt-ID? How do you know him? Give me a little insight on knowing the man as opposed to knowing the screen name.



    Ah, Esteban. I have to say, of all my college roommates (Dan doesn’t technically count because I didn’t room with him until after graduation), Stephen was hands-down the easiest to befriend, the most fun to hang out with, and the one who challenged me to improve myself the most. I roomed with him my sophomore and junior years of college, and those were fun times. As you know, Chewy was the one who got me to start posting here...


{...everyone looks over at Chewy with glaring eyes...}

    ...and who first got me into stuff like comics and other nerdy things (though Killconey was the one who yanked me headlong into the world of gaming), and also the one who got me to start hanging out with people other than my fellow music majors. I probably wouldn’t have had much of a social life in college if it weren’t for him. We had many intriguing philosophical debates (remember that Chewy is a very good choice for those sorts of talks) but also a lot of casual chats about movies, TV shows, music, you name it.

    I’d have to say I benefited the most from being around Steve, and I kinda miss the big guy. He’s got a lot to say, but you don’t often get to hear it since he is even more averse to conflict than myself. You might think he’s just a funny guy with a few interesting ideas, but you’ve got no idea until you get him to really open up and tell you what’s on his mind. This kid is going places. Get to know him, if you don’t already.


8.) So, ex-boyfriend, then. Why didn't you just say that to begin with?

Fight Club time: If you could get into a fist-fight with anyone on these boards, who would it be?

I am sure everyone is eagerly anticipating the imminent and inevitable contest of will with the mighty Chewy Walrus, or wondering if I’d throw down with my current roommate Killconey, or at least hoping I’d try and put Pariah in his place. But to be honest, I have no desire to inflict physical pain on anyone on these boards. I guess I’d pick either Steve or Dan, because I’m sure the whole thing would end with everyone rolling on the floor laughing… or as Dan put it, “You’d both be busy trying not to fight while fighting each other.”


I'm coming for you, little man!!


9.) You are part of the Writer's Block of writers on these boards. Why? What does it do for you? What do you feel about writing? What does it fulfill in your life? Is it something you would want to do professionally? Or, do you prefer it stay a hobby?

    Writer’s Block was my in-road to the RKMBs. It’s a great release and an opportunity to express and to hone my creative abilities. I enjoy a good story, and I enjoy telling a good story, but being able to share in the creation of a story with a widely diverse group of people is on some levels even more exciting.

    As far as the craft of writing itself I have, I feel, been blessed with a gift for turning a phrase and using words in a powerful way, and it is my responsibility to practice and improve upon those gifts and to share them with others. I am sure I will be writing on an academic level my entire career, but as far as the writing of fiction goes, that’ll probably remain a hobby for a good long while. I’m a bit too busy writing music to spend more time writing words.


10.) asks: Eternal fame or immortal wisdom?

    Neither is attainable, as far as I am concerned. As human beings, we are neither eternal nor omniscient – though I know who is. Given the choice, I guess I would choose wisdom, as it would help me better spend my time on Earth and leave it better than it was when I showed up.


11.) You know, why does everyone take that question so literally? Jeez...

Curiosity: What is your greatest pet-peeve? What pushes your buttons faster than anything else? Why?

    I’m a pretty patient individual and I don’t get pissed off all that easily, but I would have to say smugness is right up there. I can’t stand when people act like they’ve got all the answers – especially when they obviously don’t. This is painfully obvious in the Deep Thoughts forum, but I often encounter it in real life as well. It’s tempting for anyone of above-average intelligence to believe they know more than the people they’re talking to, and on a message board like this, with a number of individuals of above-average intelligence, that tendency rears its ugly head a lot.


{...Pro looks into a mirror...shrugs...passes it on to the next poster...}

    Seriously, people – none of us has all the answers. So pull your heads outta your asses and listen before you start talking.


12.) Saucy time: If you could spend a romantic weekend on a private Caribbean island with any of the females on this board, which one would you pick? AND, if you could spend a porn-style gangbang monkey-fuck session on a private Caribbean island with any female on this board, would your choice be any different?

    Romantic weekend anywhere… I’d definitely have to say Cowgirl Jack.




    The girl has it all – she’s talented, funny, very intelligent, has high standards she wouldn’t compromise, and come on…



I rest my case.


    As for part B… Well, I’ve made a few choices I’m not too proud of regarding intimacy in the past, so I’m quite a bit more cautious about what I’d do with whom. But if I could take my pick of who I’d wanna get down with, I’d still have to say CJ. (I can’t wait to hear from an Angry Walrus on this one!)




    I don’t mean to say anything disparaging about the other female posters on here (and no, Meeko’s not in that group because she doesn’t post anymore and I never thought of her as just another RKMBs poster), but this is a no-brainer. HOT, HOT, HOT!!! And because of my answer for part A of this question, I don’t feel I’d regret it later.


13.) I think someone has a crush. And an erection.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Is it something that's possible to accomplish? If so, what steps could you take to do so? And, what's holding you back?

    I think I would want to talk less and listen more. You have probably noticed I talk a hell of a lot.


...what? Nooo...never....

    Even though I feel I have a lot to say, I don’t have a monopoly on the flow of ideas, and there is still a lot I’d love to learn. The best way to do that is to practice listening to what others have to say rather than always throwing in my own two cents. It’s part of putting others before myself, and it’s also a great way to learn more about other people and get a little closer to what makes them tick. It’s just gonna take a lot of practice, in my case.


14.) Are you religious? If so, what are your beliefs, specifically? Also, what's your take on religion as a whole?

    Brace yourself – another long-winded answer.




    I believe God made everything. If you can get past the poetic language of the Genesis narrative, you realize it’s only really trying to get two points across – that God was directly responsible for the universe getting here (whether He chose to do it all at once or by setting up the ultimate row of dominoes and knocking them down perfectly to lead to existence as we know it), and that God had and still has a special purpose for human beings. God gave human beings the capacity for creative thought and free will, and to me, the fact that we are capable of conceptualizing those things at all is proof enough of their existence.

    In the functioning of the universe, there are consequences for everything, and the majority of things we observe and experience are consequences (“positive” or “negative”) of someone exercising their free will. (The rest are just natural “shit happens” things.) Human beings are inherently flawed as a result of abuses of human free will, but the good news is that the story doesn’t end there. I believe God decided to come down here and be one of us, and that Jesus was both human and divine. I love what one thinker said on the matter: “If Jesus were not fully God, He would not be able to help us, and if He were not fully man, He would not know to help us.”

    Jesus Christ was and is the ultimate example for how to live, but more importantly, I believe His sacrifice removed that which separated us from our Creator, and everyone who chooses to accept His sacrifice turns over management of their lives to God. We will always have free will, but in my own personal experience, I have found that living my life by what God reveals to me through faith, reason, Scripture, and experience has always helped me make choices that turned out better in the long run, whether or not they were temporarily advantageous for me.

    To me, religion is something human beings make up to rationalize things they do, which are typically things they’ve initiated. The way I personally choose to live is a response to what I believe God initiated – first by creating humanity and then by saving humanity. I live that way because in my experience, I’ve found that there’s no other way for me to live that brings me more fulfillment. In my opinion, you’re not going to find spiritual fulfillment by just doing things – it takes trusting in something beyond yourself to totally change you, and I believe that ‘something’ is God, through Jesus Christ. Everyone must find their own way – but that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s more than one way. I hope that answers your question.


15.) Not only does it answer the question, I think it previews 'The Matrix IV' nicely...

So, like ninety-percent of the posters here, you get your ass reamed on a daily basis. Jokes, ribbing, tooling...call it what you will. What are your feelings on this? Does it affect you personally? If so, why? Do you find it a form of affection in a way? Or, do you take it as something hurtful and cruel?

    There are levels to it, really. I can tell when someone is just playing around and when they’re really seriously trying to get at me. But in general, I make one distinction. I have no problem with people making fun of people for stuff they have control over (i.e. a predilection towards fornication with one’s socks), and I have no problem with people teasing me about stuff like my Lego hobby and my other nerdy tendencies.

    I do, however, frown upon poking fun at things one can’t control (i.e. residing in a parent’s basement long after the average age at which people ‘leave the nest’). The previous several sentences most likely detracted heavily from my argument, and I am aware of that. Stuff like accusing random people of being gay, that’s always gonna happen here, and I don’t think it should be taken seriously. I’m okay with posters ribbing each other, but I do think most of the people here can tell when someone can or can’t take the joke, and it is important that people acknowledge when someone really doesn’t want to be made fun of over a certain thing (i.e. the rex sock thing is really tired by now)


...dead-tired. I mean, fuck! Get some originality and MOVE ON...

    ...and show a trace of maturity by respecting that poster’s wishes. As for me, if I have a problem with stuff you’re saying about me, I’ll let you know.


16.) If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you love to be remembered for most? This could be something you have or have not accomplished already. Even something that is or is not possible to accomplish, really.

    I would love to be remembered as a real person, with blemishes and struggles, who nonetheless did his best to rise above them. I would like to be remembered as someone who genuinely cared about other people and did his best to befriend everyone he could. Finally, I would want people to remember me as a talented and clever person who made the most of what he was given and left the world a better place than he found it. One’s individual deeds will fade into distant memory, but if you can internalize and strive for an ideal that is bigger than yourself, your own memory will always live on – even if nobody remembers your name – in the values and the people you strive for.


17.) I think someone has a 'Jesus complex'...

What are your feelings on such drugs as Marijuana? Legalize or no? What about other illegal narcotics? Would you agree that there is a theme of hypocrisy on the part of the drug companies, and the federal laws that are designed to support their position of power and control? If not, why?

    I think I can speak with some authority on this, as I grew up in a pretty rough East Cleveland neighborhood and either witnessed or was influenced by drug-related crimes on many occasions. I feel that there are three reasons people use mind- and body-altering substances.

    One, they are attempting to rise above their circumstances and somehow gain control of their situation through controlling their own state of mind and body. Two, they have lost all hope in rising above their circumstances, and seek instead to obliterate them with, bury them under, and wash them away in their weapon of choice. Three, they’re just looking for a good time, and not overly concerned with any possible consequences of what a particular substance might do to them. If you want to address the issue, you’ve got to address these three sets of circumstances and attempt to understand why people do what they do.

    Beyond that, there are some substances that regardless of the reason for their use should most likely not get used. Pot has a number of carcinogenic substances in it, as does tobacco, hard drugs like heroin and cocaine are no-brainers (pun intended), hallucinogens can make you do potentially deadly things to yourself and others… the list goes on.

    This isn’t so much about control as it is about valuing our own lives, but if you want to be honest, everyone’s controlling someone who uses those things. If it’s not the government or the pharmaceutical firms, it’s the dealer on the corner, or the cartels who grow and ship the stuff, or the gangs whose control over their three or four city blocks depends on the ebb and flow of their product, or even just the guy who owns the corner convenience store who gets to set the price on the pack of smokes he’s selling you. No matter what your poison of choice is, the real issue isn’t addiction to a particular substance, it’s the supply and demand of human commodities like hope, control, sanity, and pleasure that drive our most mundane and our most desperate choices. What you choose to put in your body has a lot more to do with how much of those you have, and if people knew where and how to find other sources of those human commodities, we wouldn’t have the problems we’re having with the substances that act as surrogate sources of said human commodities.


18.) Fair enough, and, one of the more articulate answers I've read on the subect. Well done.

Hypothetical time: You've just been elected as President, having run on the independent Dark Horse ticket. What would your first year be like? What do you want to tackle first, and how would you do it?

    Fun! First of all, I would establish a committee for the intense scrutiny of any screenplays or even proposals for film sequels, and I would sign an executive order forbidding Disney from making any more animated sequels – some ‘speech’ sucks too much to be free.

    Seriously, though, I would freeze the accrual of interest on the debts owed to the US by impoverished nations – they’re gonna have a hard enough time paying that amount off as it is. I would push for equivalent contributions of money and materiel to the UN for all G-8 and Security Council member nations – if everyone wants the same say, they need to pay in the same amount. I would use trusted and closely-monitored and audited international corporations and relief/charity organizations to pass benefits directly to the people of nations that preserved peace and stability in their regions. I would destabilize dictatorial governments through the use of repeated private shows courtesy of Ashlee Simpson and Carrot Top – just sit back and watch totalitarian after totalitarian blow their own brains out.




    At home, I would do what I could to clean up Capitol Hill – limiting the ability of lobbyists and special interest groups to monopolize the attention of the legislators. The most hard-nosed and obstructive of lobbyists would also receive Ashlee Simpson/Carrot Top shows until they started learning to play well with others.

    Once a day, I would have one random everyday American come into the Oval Office (after extensive security screening and background checks of course) and tell me what they would like to see happen in their country. Since my independent ticket won the election, I am assuming that would allow third parties to receive federal money for campaigning; I would try to do other things that allowed more groups of people to exchange ideas instead of living with two parties constantly sniping at each other across the aisles. I would provide bigger tax credits for corporations that maintained a workforce comprised mostly of US citizens. I would make enrollment in welfare-to-work programs compulsory for all able-bodied unemployed citizens between 18 and 65 currently receiving unemployment and/or welfare checks from the government. Those are just a few of the ideas I have, but I’ve given you enough long-winded answers as it is.


19.) And your State of the Union would be seventeen hours long! Heh. No seriously, I'm generally not looking for more than "Legalize pot and prostitutes" for this question, so, well said there.

Now, why do you come to these boards? What's the attraction? Any posters you wish to mention?

    Geez… why don’t I come to these boards? This place is great – I can engage in meaningful exchanges of ideas with individuals from all corners of the globe… or I can sit back in my chair and read yet another Chris Oakley implosion and laugh hysterically. I can debate the cultural significance of The Mamas And The Papas, or I can thank GOD for Peter J. Pappas. I can discuss the way different writers have handled the interactions of heroes within the JLA, or I can...




    The list goes on. There are so many people that make this place great. Of course, it wouldn’t be Rob’s Damn Boards without Rob, and I have always appreciated all the hard work he does and all the gay jokes he shrugs off to keep this place going strong.

    The Writer’s Block guys have always provided me with a good laugh and a good read, and I’ve really come to enjoy the fun we all have in the RDCW… I will have the Heavyweight Cheese Championship belt around me soon!

    Some of the Deep Thoughts guys occasionally manage to rise above the partisan sniping, trolling, and spamming to provide some genuine food for thought – props to Wednesday and G-Man for keeping the place almost under control. Wednesday also provides the boards with a tremendous volume of photographs of attractive women in various stages of undress; major props for helping keep the male libido alive and well. (Think you’ll ever diversify and post some women with a bit more substance? )

    Some posters transcend infamy in any one forum – the ones that come to mind include the aforementioned PJP and MisterJLA, Joe Mama, Jaburg, Nowhereman (that lousy Welsh CUNT ), rex (who I have to say is a much better sport than I once thought), basams and the other non-existent NBz, Mxy, King Snarf, URG who am real man, Aussie-Dave, jereremys and glacys (grrrrrrrrrrrs), klinton (even if he’s a priss sometimes ), Beardguy, and the list goes on. I would like to tip my hat to the small but dedicated contingent of female posters who have put up with endless barrages of bullshit from us guys – the charmingly uninhibited Sneaky Bunny, the lovably oblivious Princess Elisa (;P), the incomparable Cowgirl Jack , Uschi (you lovely weirdo you), lor, harley, and any other girls I may have missed because they may or may not post next to never.

    I am impressed with the showing from the various n00bz here, particularly big pimp tim, Cross, Karla, and Knutreturns. PCG, for all his bandwagoning and petty sniping, is deep down a good kid, even if a cursory examination reveals no evidence to support this assertion.

    Finally, it is wonderful that so many of my real-life friends have come along and joined this board.




    Meeko (even though she probably won’t ever read this), sweetmarlene, Killconey, and Chewy Walrus, you guys are all fantastic, and I’m really glad we’re able to hang out on these boards when we can’t in real life. I’m sorry if I omitted anyone, you can lambast me for it after you’ve read this.


...ahem...

    Thanks very much to all of you for giving me a place where I can speak my mind and interact with so many interesting individuals! Rob’s Boards has definitely made life that much more enjoyable for me!


20.) In the legendary novels The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, author Douglas Adams states the answer to life, the universe, and everything is, simply, "42". What's your answer?

    Almost that simple. Love God and love other people. Everything else will fit into those two things, not always easily, but more readily than anything else I try to wrap my mind around.






Great job, Phil!!